Life Insurance Jokes

Following is our collection of humor and one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Life Insurance puns for adults, dirty jokes or clean gags for kids.

There is an abundance of jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 31 funniest jokes on life insurance. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any witze you can hear about life insurance.

The Best jokes about Life Insurance

Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance?

Neither because they live in America.

So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn't have a life insurance

His answer? "Because I want you to be truly sad when I'm gone" :(

Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance?

Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."

Life Insurance joke, Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance?


James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:

" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"

" -Terrible."

" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"

" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."

" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"

" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."

" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"

" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."

" -Oh thank God! How is she?"

" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."

" -Well, at least you got the company."

" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."

" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"

" -Yeah, HIV."

An old man wants to get life insurance

The employee working at the insurance company asks:

'How old are you, sir?'

'I'm 102.'

'102?! And you wanna get life insurance at *your* age? You know what? Come back tomorrow.'

'Tomorrow ain't good. We'll be celebrating my dad's birthday.'

'Your dad's birthday?! How old is he?'

'He's 139.'

'Okay, come back next week then.'

'Next week is definitely a bad time for me. We're gonna have a week-long party for my grandfather's wedding.'

'Your grandfather's weddig?! How old is he?'

'He's 164.'

'And he wants to get married at *his* age?'

'Nah, he doesn't, it's just that his parents are forcing him...'

Two retired gentlemen meet while on the beach in Florida

They sit down and strike up a conversation.

"So you moved down here after you retired. What did you do before?"

"I was in the sporting goods business. I started out selling socks from a cart. Before long I had a little store. The business grew, slowly at first, but after thirty years I owned the biggest sporting goods store for fifty miles. I wanted to slow down a little and enjoy my success, but none of the kids were interested in the business, and I had a hard time finding a buyer. Then, tragically, the store burned to the ground. Luckily, I had good insurance. It paid off more than enough to retire on, so here I am! What about you?"

"My story is much the same. I spent my life in the shoe business, until a flood wiped me out. Insurance saved me as well. I decided not to rebuild, just moved down here to relax."

"Wow, that's something. I have one question, though."

"What's that?"

"How do you start a flood?"

A hurricane walks into a bar

The owner doesn't have insurance so his life is pretty much ruined.

Life Insurance joke, A hurricane walks into a bar

Awful Neighbors

"There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leashes.
Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked in her life. Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for his racist comments.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs.
They are both out of control.
God, I hate living near Buckingham Palace! "

A man dies in an accident

He never drank, nor smoked. He never had sex and never indulged in anything unhealthy.

The Life Insurance Company refused the claim on the note that 'How can someone have died if he had never lived in the first place?'

How much is Trump's life insurance payout?

One pence

The female Praying Mantis devours the male right after mating.

It's easier to collect life insurance than child support.

Serious question here...

Does Lightning McQueen get car insurance or life insurance?

A man's estranged father passed away suddenly...

and he was unable attend the funeral. But when he discovered that he was the beneficiary of the life insurance and with the sudden passing and him being his fathers only family, he was overcome with guilt so he contacted the funeral home to make the arrangements and asked that his father have all the best and be buried in a beautiful casket and in a lovely cemetery at the top of a hill.

Well, the next month, he gets a bill for a considerable some, which seemed fair, so he paid it. But then the next month he got another bill. He decided, sure there was probably some residual balance, so he paid it as well.

The following month he got yet another bill from the funeral home, which seemed odd. So he called them to ask about it. "Didn't you say you wanted your father to have all the best when he was buried?"

"I did."

"Well we rented him a tux."

A salesman knocks on a door

A salesman knocks on a door, as soon as the door opens he throws a mound of dirt on the floor of the house. The house owner begins to confront the salesman in a state of rage but before he can say anything the salesman pulls out a vacuum and sucks up the dirt with ease. The salesman says "I'm here to sell you this vacuum!" The house owner, amazed at the display, immediately buys the vacuum. Another salesman sees this exchange and goes up to the same house later that day. This salesman knocks on the door, as soon as the house owner opens the door the salesman shoots him dead. He then proclaims "I'm here to sell you life insurance!"

(be easy I just thought of this joke myself)

How much is Hillary Clinton's life insurance?

Just one bill.

Your mama's so stupid

She killed herself for life insurance

Life Insurance joke, Your mama's so stupid

I should start selling life insurance for ISIS members.

I'm sure it's gonna be a booming business.

I just got life insurances

It makes me happy knowing that now my life is worth something.

My life as an actor is finally paying off!

The other guys insurance company isn't too happy about it though.

My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

A man going to jail buys life insurance....

....To protect his ASSETS!

I gave my dad a pad on the back to say "Good morning". He said "Social distancing."

I replied, "I thought you already bought life insurance."

Why did the Polack kill himself?

He was trying to collect on his life insurance policy.

Chuck Norris doesn't buy life insurance, life buys Chuck insurance.

What do you calls a life insurance agent ripe with flesh eating bacteria?

A lepper-con

What's the best way to make money with a plus-size modeling agency?

Life insurance policies.

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say."

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary.
You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to you.

A 97 year old man goes in the insurance and says to the insurer: β€œHello my son.

I want to have a life insurance policy.”
Perplexed by the old man, the insurer asks: β€œSorry for the indiscretion, but why do you want to make life insurance?”
β€œYou know my son I will travel with my father in Europe.”
Even more perplexed the insurer, asks: "Again, sorry, but how old is your father?”
β€œ127. ”
β€œ127? And what will you do in Europe?”
He answers: β€œWe will go to the wedding of my grandfather.”
Even more shocked the insurer asks: β€œAnd how old is your grandfather?”
β€œHe is … Oh, 150.”
And the insurer ready to hear everything now, asks: β€œOh well, how come your grandfather wants to get married at this age?”
β€œBullshit, you know his parents are pressing him!”

Messing with Chuck Norris is the only thing that will get you disqualified from a Colonial Penn Life Insurance policy - at any age.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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