Life Expectancy Jokes

42 life expectancy jokes and hilarious life expectancy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about life expectancy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Life Expectancy Short Jokes

Short life expectancy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The life expectancy humour may include short longevity jokes also.

  1. Barbies promote unrealistic expectations of women's bodies. Women's heads are much harder to put back on in real life.
  2. Life expectancy of AIDS patients can be 30-40 years. No wonder all the africans want to get it, it could triple the length of their lives.
  3. My momma said "Life is like a box of condoms..." Runs out faster than you expect, and your mistakes will outlive you.
  4. I don't understand why people do all of these marathons for cancer If I was to do one, I would expect a trophy, not a life threatening disease
  5. The bible purposely leaves out the decade of Jesus' life in his 20s because he was clearly a ladies man... I mean, he can turn water into wine, and was well hung. What do you expect!
  6. I was doing a lab on nuclear decay and at first it worked like expected, but when 3/4 of the material had decayed it suddenly stopped It seems like there will never be a half life 3
  7. The average life expectancy of alligators is about 50 years... So there is no rush, you indeed can see it later.
  8. My family's last name is 'Expectation' The entire family is currently in the hospital because of my stepdad, he started with me and said that for once in his life he'd beat all expectations
  9. Girls like bad boys, so why can't I get a girlfriend? I'm bad at literally everything. (If you came here expecting a joke, I'm sorry, the joke is my life)
  10. Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.

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Life Expectancy One Liners

Which life expectancy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with life expectancy? I can suggest the ones about lifetime supply and lifetime.

  1. Statisticians give low paid workers an expected life of 68.7 years That's mean
  2. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
  3. Why does Japan have a high life expectancy? It is full of anti - occidents
  4. Always borrow money from a pessimist.
    He won't expect it back.
  5. My expectations in life are so small... A priest try to m**... them.
  6. Life is a lot like s**...... It's way too short and rarely lives up to the expectation.
  7. My s**... life is falling apart... But what do you expect a corpse to do?

Playful Life Expectancy Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group

What funny jokes about life expectancy you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean end of life jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make life expectancy pranks.

My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side

One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together she asked me if she should change anything in her life. I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better. At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.
After the first day, I didn't see anything. To be expected of course, these things take time. Three days later, nothing. A week later, nothing. Two weeks later, and I finally started to see something. Thank god for that, I thought she knocked the light out of my eyes for good.

A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her s**... life.

Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.
She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"
He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."
Then she says, "And the s**... life?"
He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

Say what you will about Trump's Presidency, but you can't overlook what he has accomplished in terms of healthcare specifically life expectancy...

He managed to turn one year into something that feels like an eternity.

A recent study shows that m**... twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%. I've done the maths. I am immortal.

I'm a Latino nurse and while I was doing my rounds, one of the surgeons burst out of the operating room and told me to help finish the operation.

I cut the patient's o**... on the wrong spot but luckily I miscalculated and saved their life. No one thought I could do it and I shocked them all. Nobody expected the Spanish missed the incision.

Not what he was expecting....

A hot divorcee moved in next door to an elderly man who has been lonely for most of his life. A couple of weeks later, she stops at his house for a moment. "I'm ready", she says to him, and his package starts to rise-----he can't help himself! "I wanna blow off some steam, get drunk, and get laid! Can I ask you something before I do that?" The man replies, "Sure!" and is so hard, he can't think clearly. "Can you watch my kids?" the divorcee asks.

You know when things are getting bad when people only want their kids to live a long and healthy life they will enjoy...

And you have to wonder how their children are going to handle the pressure of those unrealistic expectations?

You go your whole life making a great pumpernickel dip, and then BAM, one day you get 20 people asking for the recipe.

Nobody expects the spinach inquisition.

Patient: What's my life expectancy?

Doctor: 120
Patient: 120 what? Days? Weeks? Months?
Doctor: 119

A lesson from my life as a monk

I learned a lot during my years at the monastery. One thing I still remember is that our vow of poverty meant that we were expected to go to great lengths to look after our one robe, including mending and from time to time dying them to their regulation dark hue.
One thing that surprised me was how rough and scratchy the dye made the material over many years.
Old habits dye hard.

My wife thinks I'm obsessed with golf.

It came to a head in an argument at about 11.30 last night, when she yelled: Golf! Golf! Golf! That's all you ever think about!
It frightened the life out of me. Well, you don't expect to meet anyone on the 14th green at that time of night.

Why do German cats have significantly lower life expectancy?

Because they have nein lives.

When life gets you down, remember the immortal words of Monty Python.


There are creatures in my house…

… who sit in the same spot all day long, expect food to come to them, and leave silky white stuff everywhere.
Such is life with male teenagers.

One reason not to die.

Its bad for your health and can drastically reduce life expectancy.

Opportunity mars rover is fairly similar to Anti-Vax child.

Life expectancy of 90 days, but lives to die 14 years later.


You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…

Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I'm expecting a serious discount on that car !!!!

How to solve issues with life expectancy

The doctor has given me four months to live.
I shot the doctor, The judge gave me 20 years.
Problem solved

Well, you know what Monty Python always say...

A man sees his friend looking rather melancholy and tries to cheer her up. After listening to her woes he says to her "Well, you know what Monty Python always say..."
She rolls her eyes "Always look on the bright side of life?"

Today I lost my cool, when this obnoxious, mediterranean exchange student barged into our art class. I was trying to paint the kiwi fruits we had on display for a still life. Really messed up my painting.

Nobody expects the spanish in kiwi-session.