Life Advice Jokes
36 life advice jokes and hilarious life advice puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about life advice that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Life Advice Short Jokes
Short life advice jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The life advice humour may include short advice jokes also.
- I wasn't sure about how to ask the love of my life to marry me So, I decided to ask her husband for advice.
- What life advice did the Jewish cannibal give to his friend? Keep your friends close, but your enemies kosher
- Since breaking up with my girlfriend, my dad has been there to offer me plenty of life advice. Which is rich coming from him, considering he was dating my girlfriend.
- The other day I was climbing a tree with a friend He was talking about life and I had some advice so I said alright I'm going out on a limb here...
- Some life advice. My parents always gave the best advice "Sometimes we can't fix what is broken, sometimes it's better to make something new"
So they had my little brother. - Although "Appreciate the little things" is good life advice, It's not something to say in bed.
- My personal trainer was giving me advice. He said, "You have to have a life outside the gym."
I was so offended that I walked out with my sleeping bag. - I got great life advice from the old asian lady at the massage parlor "If you want Happy Ending, don't pick young pretty girl."
- I was on one side of the river and a homeless man was on the other side. He asked me for life advice so I wrote something down. I just didn't know how to get my point across to him.
- My cremated aunt used to give great advice. She always told me that you have to urn your place in life.
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Life Advice One Liners
Which life advice one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with life advice? I can suggest the ones about marriage advice and life hack.
- My dad always said: "When life gets you down, shred cheese." That was grate advice.
- Life Advice Always keep your words soft and sweet - In case you have to eat them later.
- Research offers simple advice to living a long life Avoid dying.
Life Advice Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about life advice you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bad advice jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make life advice pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have s**... with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A fat lady (To a health expert): "Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness.
"
Health expert: "Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time."
Fat lady: "At which particular time?"
Health expert: "Whenever anybody asks you to eat."
Impressing Chicks On The Beach
A scrawy guy has a hard time attracting women on the beach....so he goes to the life guard and asks for advice and the lifeguard tells him "Next time...wear a speedo 2 sizes small and drop a potato inside" the guy decides to follow the advice
The next day...the scrawny guy comes back and all the women run away in horror except for the lifeguard. The guy asks the lifeguard "You told me this would work!"
The lifeguard shook his head and said "The potato...goes in the front"
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?
Cheers
A man goes to his rabbi.
He says to the rabbi, "I think my wife is trying to poison me but I have no idea why". The rabbi, concerned about the distress the Jew was experiencing says "Don't worry, I will talk to your wife." A few days pass and the man returns to his rabbi still fearing for his life. The rabbi sits him down and says to him "My child, I spent several hours speaking to your wife, follow my advice, take the poison."
So I have this friend Jonathan...
Jon's been on a bit of a dry spell with the ladies lately. I suppose I should tell you a bit about Jonathan. He's a bit hard of hearing, but the ladies still love him despite that and his slightly diminutive stature, probably because he's usually the life of the party, buying drinks, etc. Anyway, back to the problem at hand.
We went to lunch the other day at a nice, quiet cafe. We started chatting about the usual, work, sports, whatever, but it came clear that Jon actually had invited me to give him some advice. He told me about his dry spell and of course I wanted to get to the root of the problem. A few minutes pass in silence. Finally, I ask, "Can I ask you a question?"
"WHAT?"
(Oh right, the hearing thing) "I said, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?"
"OK!"
"WHY DO YOU KEEP GETTING TURNED DOWN?"
"TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT!?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old farmer, back in times of kolkhoz
lives his life peacefully until one day he realizes he doesn't feel as good as usual. He proceeds to visit a local doctor, old friend of his. Doctor makes standard check and finds nothing. He tells farmer to drop his pants for further inspection and as farmer does so the doctor sees farmer is not wearing any underwear. He tells him to get a pair of underpants "They are *cleanliness* and *warmth*, you will feel better!" Farmer takes the advice and gets back home to continue plowing field. He continues doing so, until he needs to take dump. He stops his tractor, heads to side of field near some bushes. As he has used, he drops the pants, sits and does his deed. After he is done, he pulls pants back and turns around get rid of his accomplishment he sees nothing but clear ground. "Wow, **cleanliness** indeed!" - he thinks.
The farmer heads back to resume working, sits down and says- "Ah, and finally there is the **warmth**."
Saw others translating Russian and Romanian jokes and thought I'd share two Hungarian ones (but be warned, Hungarian humor is terrible)
György had a headache and asked his friend for advice, and his friend said he could cure the headache by hammering a nail into the place it hurt. So he lined up the nail and was getting ready to hit when he saw György cringing. "What are you scared of?" the friend asked, and György replied, "I'm scared that you'll miss!"
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A man says to a woman, "I wish you would bring your smile over to my place."
The woman replies, "Aren't you a ladies' man!"
And the man replies, "No, I'm a dentist."
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Still reading? You're crazy! Okay, here's a "bonus" one.
An electrician enters the room in the hospital where they keep the patients on life support and he calls out, "Take a deep breath, everyone! I need to change a fuse!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Relationship Advice
A middle-aged factory worker finds that his love-life has fallen a bit flat lately. During lunch, he asks his buddy:
"Hey man, do you and your wife do anything special to keep s**... interesting? Like...I dunno, do you say anything special to your wife during s**...?"
"Nah." Says the other guy. "I don't keep the phone by the bed."
Praying For Nothing?
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above:
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three guys and a woman are playing golf...
The woman is having the round of her life as she steps onto the 18th green after hitting a beautiful shot 10 feet from the pin. If she makes this putt, she will beat the course record that has been around for over 50 years.
So she says the guys, "If one of you help me make this putt, I will give you a b**...."
This lady is drop dead gorgeous so they are all excited.
The first guy steps up and says, "Okay you want to give it a soft touch, it's downhill and to the right."
The second guy pushes him out the way and says, "No No! Give it a firm tap, it's flat and slightly left."
The third guy is standing there not doing anything so the lady asks, "Don't you have any advice for me?"
He looks over at her and says, "I say it's a gimme."
My Dad's Advice
My Dad gives me odd advice. The other day he said to my face, LaaDeeDa, you might die tomorrow so, live every day like it's the last day of your life! You might get hit by a bus tomorrow! It's weird because he is a bus driver.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
5 advices to men for a happy life
1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Life Advice
Never argue with an idiot. They'll drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
Iron was talking to his good friend Aluminum...
About his girlfriend Oxide. Aluminum told Iron that he should just dump her. "You don't need that kind of negativity in your life", he said. So Iron took his advice and sent Oxide packing, but Aluminum swooped in immediately after and started seeing Oxide himself.
Needless to say, things got a little heated and Iron had a total meltdown.
Long life
A old friend of mine passed the other day, she was 107 years old, I asked her once what her secret to living so long was, she told me that when she was a child she asked her great grandfather the same question and he told her to sprinkle a teaspoon of gunpowder on top of her oatmeal every morning, and she and all her family has followed that advice, it worked apparently, she left behind 7 children, 17 grandchildren, 29 great grandchildren, 42 great great grandchildren, and a 40 foot crater where the crematorium used to be...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I met a t**... the other day and he was giving me life advice.
"Just be yourself," he told me.
Fatherly advice
When I was a little boy I fell off my bike and scraped my knee. My dad ran to me picked me up and told me to "shake it off."
Years later while playing baseball I was hit with a wild pitch, my dad called out from the stands "Shake it off son."
Before going off to college my long time girlfriend dumped me. Of course just like everything else in life when I was hurt my dad with his infinite wisdom once again told me to "shake it off."
Due to all the years of his great fatherly advice I knew exactly what to say when he was diagnosed with parkinson's disease.
My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, "Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on".
I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctors advice
My doctor told me I have to give up half my s**... life.
I asked which half, thinking about it or talking about it?