Lieutenant Jokes

41 lieutenant jokes and hilarious lieutenant puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lieutenant that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover hilarious lieutenant jokes from the military service that take aim at the second lieutenant all the way up to the lieutenant colonel, from Lieutenant Dan to Lieutenant Uhura. Laugh at jokes about firefights, commanding officers, and sarges!

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Funniest Lieutenant Short Jokes

Short lieutenant jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lieutenant humour may include short sergeant jokes also.

  1. My caller id said "private caller", so I ignored it. I only pick up if it says "lieutenant caller" or higher.
  2. The phone rings, and Dad asks: What does the caller ID say? Mom: It's a private caller.
    Dad: Don't answer that. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
  3. What did Lieutenant Worf say when he made rainbow T-shirts with his son? Today *is* a good day to dye!
  4. My mom bought me tin soldiers but I lost all the generals and smashed the lieutenants and sergeants Now I just play with my privates.
  5. My niece is a sophomore at West Point. She's already had five majors, and three Captains and two Lieutenants.
  6. Why did Lieutenant Uhura tone down on the use of extreme fetishes in the bedroom? Because William Shatner.
  7. I heard Orville Redenbacher served in the Army. They called the guy under him "Lieutenant Kernel".
  8. What did the lieutenant vulture say to the enlisted vultures who stopped eating a dead cow to salute? Carrion.
  9. I now understand why the Brits have leftenants instead of lieutenants Otherwise they'd be renting bathrooms during combat.
  10. What did the General say to the Lieutenant who was supposed to be putting mortar shells in? "Comrade, stop Stalin, and start Putin!"

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Lieutenant One Liners

Which lieutenant one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lieutenant? I can suggest the ones about officer and commander.

  1. What do you call a person who lives in a toilet? A lieutenant.
    I'll show myself out.
  2. What military rank do you hold while using a pay toilet? Lieutenant
  3. What do you call someone who lives in a bathroom? A lieutenant.
  4. Did you hear about the lieutenant that had to watch a corn field? He's a colonel now
  5. What did Lieutenant Worf find in Captain Pickard's private bathroom? The captain's log.
  6. Why did lieutenant Uhura smell bad? ...because William Shatner
  7. Where Did Lieutenant Paul Armstrong Go During The Bomb Strikes In WW2 Everywhere.
  8. What do you call a lieutenant on the run from the law? ...a Warrant Officer.
  9. What did the Lieutenant say before one of his soldiers died? Drop dead and give me 20!
  10. Why was Lieutenant Uhura Brown? Because William Shatner...
  11. What do you call a vegetarian BLT? A Lieutenant.
  12. What do you call an ant in the army? A lieutenant.

Lieutenant Colonel Jokes

Here is a list of funny lieutenant colonel jokes and even better lieutenant colonel puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why was a Lieutenant Colonel of the US army music program fired, along with one of his direct subordinates? He was caught f**... A Major.
Lieutenant joke, Why was a Lieutenant Colonel of the US army music program fired, along with one of his direct subord

Quirky and Hilarious Lieutenant Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.

What funny jokes about lieutenant you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean captain jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lieutenant pranks.

A rather drunk lieutenant formed up the platoon:

"Soldiers, why is the formation so crooked?"
"Because the Earth is round!" - someone called out.
"Who said that?"
"Galileo, step forward!"
"But he has died long ago!"
"So then?! People here are dying, and no one is reporting this to me?"

*Joke was translated from Bulgarian*

How much of s**... is work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of s**... was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

Dad joke about phones....

A phone call comes through to a families home and the son looks at it and yells "Dad should I take this"
The dad yells back "who is it calling?"
Son: "It says private caller"
Dad: "Don't answer!! We only take calls from lieutenant callers or higher!!"

A Russian officer is called into a meeting with his superior at their base camp

His boss starts:
"Comrade Lieutenant, it has come to my attention that you have been selling half of our fuel reserves on the black market"
"Yes Captain, it's true..."
"That's most unfortunate Lieutenant..."
"To be honest Captain, I know you sell army supplies too."
"I know..."
"Then what's the problem if I do it?"
"Because I already sold the other half."

General Custer is addressing his men at the Little Bighorn. He says "well boys, I've got some good news and some bad news."

"The bad news is that the Sioux are camped right down the hill. Come morning they're going to overrun us. They'll ride roughshod over our whole company and leave us all killed, then probably mutilate our corpses beyond recognition when they're done."
His lieutenant asks, "what's the good news General?"
Custer says "Well, we won't have to ride through Nebraska again."

So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers...

I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.


As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant? ", I asked. He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive. "I asked, "What's the difference? "He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education. "

What did Lieutenant Dan say after getting his new legs blown off?

"Oh, the iron knee!"
Note: Old joke I made up and told friends in high school, before realizing his new legs are not actually made of iron. Hope the joke is still amusing though

A seasoned general, surveying the battlefield with his lieutenant, sees an enemy soldier with his arm in a hole full of water

"Let's avoid him", the general says to the lieutentant. "He's well-armed."

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peacekeeping mission.
During a briefing on landmines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

I'll never forget the time in Iraq when the order came to fix bayonets.

I said, "Lieutenant, we are surrounded and running low on ammo. I don't think now is the right time for equipment maintenance."

Lieutenant joke, Why was a Lieutenant Colonel of the US army music program fired, along with one of his direct subord