Lieutenant Jokes
38 lieutenant jokes and hilarious lieutenant puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lieutenant that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover hilarious lieutenant jokes from the military service that take aim at the second lieutenant all the way up to the lieutenant colonel, from Lieutenant Dan to Lieutenant Uhura. Laugh at jokes about firefights, commanding officers, and sarges!
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Funniest Lieutenant Short Jokes
Short lieutenant jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lieutenant humour may include short sergeant jokes also.
- My caller id said "private caller", so I ignored it. I only pick up if it says "lieutenant caller" or higher.
- What did Lieutenant Worf say when he made rainbow T-shirts with his son? Today *is* a good day to dye!
- My mom bought me tin soldiers but I lost all the generals and smashed the lieutenants and sergeants Now I just play with my privates.
- My niece is a sophomore at West Point. She's already had five majors, and three Captains and two Lieutenants.
- Why did Lieutenant Uhura tone down on the use of extreme fetishes in the bedroom? Because William Shatner.
- I heard Orville Redenbacher served in the Army. They called the guy under him "Lieutenant Kernel".
- What did the lieutenant vulture say to the enlisted vultures who stopped eating a dead cow to salute? Carrion.
- What did the General say to the Lieutenant who was supposed to be putting mortar shells in? "Comrade, stop Stalin, and start Putin!"
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Lieutenant One Liners
Which lieutenant one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lieutenant? I can suggest the ones about officer and commander.
- What military rank do you hold while using a pay toilet? Lieutenant
- What do you call someone who lives in a bathroom? A lieutenant.
- Did you hear about the lieutenant that had to watch a corn field? He's a colonel now
- Why did lieutenant Uhura smell bad? ...because William Shatner
- Where Did Lieutenant Paul Armstrong Go During The Bomb Strikes In WW2 Everywhere.
- What do you call a lieutenant on the run from the law? ...a Warrant Officer.
- Why was Lieutenant Uhura Brown? Because William Shatner...
- What do you call a vegetarian BLT? A Lieutenant.
- What do you call an ant in the army? A lieutenant.
- What did the Lieutenant say before one of his soldiers died? Drop dead and give me 20!
Quirky and Hilarious Lieutenant Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about lieutenant you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean captain jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lieutenant pranks.
A rather drunk lieutenant formed up the platoon:
"Soldiers, why is the formation so crooked?"
"Because the Earth is round!" - someone called out.
"Who said that?"
"Galileo."
"Galileo, step forward!"
"But he has died long ago!"
"So then?! People here are dying, and no one is reporting this to me?"
*Joke was translated from Bulgarian*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How much of s**... is work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of s**... was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
Dad joke about phones....
A phone call comes through to a families home and the son looks at it and yells "Dad should I take this"
The dad yells back "who is it calling?"
Son: "It says private caller"
Dad: "Don't answer!! We only take calls from lieutenant callers or higher!!"
A Russian officer is called into a meeting with his superior at their base camp
His boss starts:
"Comrade Lieutenant, it has come to my attention that you have been selling half of our fuel reserves on the black market"
"Yes Captain, it's true..."
"That's most unfortunate Lieutenant..."
"To be honest Captain, I know you sell army supplies too."
"I know..."
"Then what's the problem if I do it?"
"Because I already sold the other half."
Education
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant? ", I asked. He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive. "I asked, "What's the difference? "He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education. "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did Lieutenant Dan say after getting his new legs blown off?
"Oh, the iron knee!"
Note: Old joke I made up and told friends in high school, before realizing his new legs are not actually made of iron. Hope the joke is still amusing though
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peacekeeping mission.
During a briefing on landmines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
I'll never forget the time in Iraq when the order came to fix bayonets.
I said, "Lieutenant, we are surrounded and running low on ammo. I don't think now is the right time for equipment maintenance."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was a Lieutenant Colonel of the US army music program fired, along with one of his direct subordinates?
He was caught f**... A Major.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does Boomhower describe the g**... of the Lieutenant from the Reno Police Department?
Dang ol' Dangle dangle.
A new private arrives at an army base
The major in charge asks him if he has reported to his lieutenant.
The private replies, "there isn't one, Sir"
The major says, "No, you must report to him."
"Sir, may I ask you a question?"
"All right"
"Suppose you take 'rifle' and remove the 'f'. What remains?"
The major replies, "Rile, I suppose."
"And what if you removed the 'f' from 'draft'?"
"I guess it would be 'drat' then."
"And what about from 'lieutenant'?"
Confused, the major responds, "but there's no 'f' in 'lieutenant'."
The private replies, "that's what I've been telling you the whole time—there is no effin' lieutenant!"
The starship Enterprise is about to face annihilation from a superior ship, but Picard comes up with a cunning plan.
"We'll beam Lieutenant Worf on to their ship to offer our unconditional surrender", says Picard
"But Captain", interrupts Riker, "they might not take us seriously if you send Worf. It might be wise to send Commander Troi".
"Nonsense! Put him in a wooly sweater, a wooly hat and gloves, and they be completely smitten. Then when they are lulled into a false sense of security, Worf can unleash his suprise attack!"
"But captain, how can you be sure it'll work?"asks Riker
"It's a classic strategy number 1, Worf in sheep's clothing".
