Lies Jokes
137 lies jokes and hilarious lies puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lies that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores the nuances of telling lies as a joke. We'll look at why people use white lies or fibs and how to do it tenderly and without lyin. Whether you're trying to make someone laugh or keep a conversation moving, understanding when and how to lie as a joke can be a useful tool.
Funniest Lies Short Jokes
Short lies jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lies humour may include short lying jokes also.
- What weigh more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman? The woman. They always lie about their weight.
- What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump? George Washington couldn't tell a lie.
Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth.
Donald Trump can't tell the difference - A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified... "See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"
The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..." - A 60 year old billionaire walks into a bar with his gorgeous 25 year old wife Friend: How did she marry you?
Billionaire: I lied about my age
Friend: You said 45?
Billionaire: No! I said 90! - Why are women so bad at parking? Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.
- Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie. 100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.
- A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
- "Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?" "I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"
"Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'" - In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth... and Trump can not tell the difference
- Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said "You're a lot like a math exam."
I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"
She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."
Share These Lies Jokes With Friends
Lies One Liners
Which lies one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lies? I can suggest the ones about truth and illusion.
- What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.
- Voldemort:so I just have to lie? pinocchio: yep.
- What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.
- What do you call a priest who always lies? A pathological friar.
- My laziness is like the number 8. Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.
- Why must 8 always stand up? If it lies down, it's forever.
- What does a liar do after he's dead? He lies still...
- Chuck Norris once took a lie detector test The machine confessed everything
- The ladies call me Subway. Because I have poor quality meat and lie about being 6 inches.
- Three things that never lie..... Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants
- What happens to lawyers after they die? They lie still.
- What is the biggest lie in the Universe I have read and accepted the terms and conditions
- What do cheaters do after they die? They lie still
- Why do archaeologist lead sad lives? Because their career lies in ruins.
- How does an attorney go to sleep? First he lies on one side, then the other!!
White Lies Jokes
Here is a list of funny white lies jokes and even better white lies puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If a white lie is a harmless lie that doesn't really matter Then does that mean that black lies matter?
- Why did Walt Disney fire Snow White? 'Cause she kept sitting on Pinocchios' face singing 'tell me lies, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies'.
*Joke's from my Dad and his friend* - I told a little white lie... or a little black lie,
because all lies matter - Snowy White and the 7 dwarves... Snowy White and the 7 dwarves were lying in bed feeling happy...but happy didn't like it and got out...
- What is a white supremacists least favorite month? JEW-LIE
- It's ok to occasionally tell white lies. Don't ever tell black lies though. Because Black lies matter.
- What did the Redditor say on opposite day? Sometimes white lies are OK and it's not always gaslighting .
- Just realised that the mirror on snow white is Sir Mix A Lot Because it likes big butts and it can not lie...
- The first white lie I heard was this is our land.
- What's a red house made of? Bricks.
What's a yellow house made of?
Yellow bricks.
What's a blue house made of?
Blue bricks.
What's a white house made of?
Lies.
Here Lies Jokes
Here is a list of funny here lies jokes and even better here lies puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- One day, when Donald Trump is dead, in his tombstone, we'll read: "HERE LIES DONALD TRUMP" "EVEN THOUGH HE'S DEAD, HE'S STILL LYING!"
- A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless. The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"
- When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying. It's Trudeau.
- I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying. I can also tell when they're standing.
- They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
- An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes? A nervous wreck!
I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile. - Just back from the zoo. Saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures. It was bread in captivity.
- My wife keeps using the old 'men can't multitask' stereotype.. So i said that's a lie.. I can make love to you AND think of your sister at the same time
- What's a quality you look for in a good lawyer? Lie-ability
(Just getting started in comedy and want to test a few of my jokes here). - I just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume. Turns out he's navajo.


Hilarious Lies Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about lies you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fake jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lies pranks.
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face
Top 3 lies told by Wyoming cowboys
1) I own this truck.
2) I won this belt buckle in a rodeo.
3) I was just helping that sheep over the fence.
Man walks into Bar with a Dog ...
Man walks into Bar with a Dog and orders 2 Glasses of Whiskey.
He & his Dog empty the Glasses.
Girl behind the Bar is surprised and asks - Can your Dog perform any other tricks?
Man-Yes, He can fully satisfy a Woman.
Girl is too curious.. Deciding that she'll test the dog, she undresses and lies in full expectation.
Dog looks at her and does nothing....
Man to Dog: It's always the same with you, now this is the last time I am showing you how to do it..
A fish lies on the ground outside of his tank, dead.
The two remaining fish in the tank talk to each other:
"What happened?!"
"I don't really know... He just yelled 'EVOLUTION!' and jumped out."
Husband and Wife 40th Anniversary
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting a headstone that reads: 'Here lies my wife, cold as ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reading: 'Here lies my husband, stiff at last."
-Sacha Guitry
What are the two biggest lies when working for a large corporation?
"Hello. I'm from the head office and I'm here to help you"
"Welcome. We're glad to have you"
There are three kinds of lies:
1. Lies
2. d**... lies
3. Working from home
The three biggest lies in Wyoming...
"I won this belt buckle in a rodeo, my trucks paid for and I was just helping that sheep over the fence."
During a fight, the husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife: Cold As Ever!"
"Oh yeah?" retorts the wife. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
So this atheist explorer is in trouble...
...with a tribe of savage cannibals. He's cornered with no possible way out when he exclaims in his desperation 'God, I'm s**...!'
Suddenly the clouds part and a booming voice says 'No son, you are not. Take that rock near your right foot and throw it at that old cannibal with the large headdress!'
The explorer obeys, and the chief of the tribe lies dead on the ground.
The voice says 'NOW you're s**...!'
A farmer walks past a tombstone that says: Here lies a lawyer, an honest man, a man of integrity.
The peasant crosses himself and says scared: "Blessed v**..., three men buried in the same grave!"
After s**..., a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette.
As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke w**... after s**.... After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be s**...."
m**... should've been legalized at the same time as same s**...-marriage
because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be s**...
How does a lawyer sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Cr
p**... rings his new girlfriend's door
p**... rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says p**..., 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
A dying lawyer
Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
I once saw a headstone that read "here lies a politician and an honest man."
I wonder how they fit two people in one casket.
Getting in bed
An old couple prepares to go to sleep. The man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you on the floor?"
The old woman replies, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
So a redhead, brunette, and blonde walk into a bar...
This bar has a magic mirror that consumes anyone who lies
The redhead comes in and says "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world" and she gets s**... in
The brunette comes in and says "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world" and she gets s**... in
The blonde comes in and says "I think-" and she gets s**... in
What do you call a mother who lies about being a father?
transparent
What lies at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
A man lies n**... on the beach...
But because his private parts aren't as tanned as the rest of his body, he place a hat on it. A few minutes later a lady walks by, fully n**.... The lady jokinly said to the man "Well, if you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat for me..." The man answered in return "Well, m'lady, the hat would raise itself, if you weren't that ugly."
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.
Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks,
"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
A little boy and his father are walking in a cemetery
...and come across a gravestone that reads "here lies a lawyer and a good man"
The boy asks his father "Dad, why did they bury 2 men in 1 grave?"
A lawyer named Strange died.
His friends asked the tombstone inscriber to write "Here lies Strange, an honest man and a lawyer" on the headstone. The inscriber suggested this would confuse people, who would think three men were buried there. He suggested "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." "Whenever anyone walks by," he explained "they'll be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"
At first I wondered.. How on earth does Hillary Clinton sleep at night?
Then I realised - First she *lies* on one side, then she *lies* on the other.
What lies on the bottom of the ocean and sweats?
A nervous wreck...
If I ever get a dog, I'll name her Robbery
When I get to store, I'll tell "Get down, Robbery". Dog lies and the whole store too.
Why did President Trump cross the road?
"I didn't cross the road. I have never crossed the road. More lies of the MSM. Sad!"
Two kids were talking...
Kid 1: I bet you're a v**...
Kid 2: I was a v**..., until last night!
Kid 1: Lies!
Kid 2: Ask your sister.
Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!
Kid 2: You will in about nine months!
What's the first ingredient in a push up bra?
Start with two cups of lies.
A man dies and goes to heaven...
He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
The Bible says 'a man who lies with another man should be s**...'
I mean, it's not essential, but it helps.
A man is walking through a cemetery
when he sees a headstone that reads, "Here lies John, an honest man and a lawyer."
"How about that," he thinks. "Three men buried in one grave!"
A v**... goes to a brothel for his first time.
The woman takes him into a room and says, "We're going to try this position called 69. I think you'll like it."
He lies down on the bed. She gets on top and they start going at it. Everything is fine for the first few minutes, and then she lets out a huge f**..., right in the guy's face. She apologizes and they get back to business.
A few minutes later, she rips another f**..., bigger than the first one.
"Oh my god! I'm so sorry! Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," he says. "I don't think I can take another 67 of those, though."
Rorschach humor
Heard joke once: Man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci.
Donald Trump does not tell lies.
He said everyone would be covered under his Healthcare plan.
He just forgot to mention that the poor would be covered by 6 feet of dirt.
How many Republicans does it take to change a light-bulb?
None.
Trump lies, tells them it was changed and they sit in the dark.
A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell
She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.
She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"
"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"
Make me happy and sad with one sentence
A wife and a husband lies in bed and the man asks : wife, I bet you can't make me with one sentence happy and sad at the same time...
The wife replies that's easy : in comparison to all your best friends you have the biggest one 😅
A man who lies with another man should be s**....
It helps. Thats all I'm saying!
There is a magic mirror that will make anyone who lies disappear.
First, an old lady stands before it and tells herself, "I think I look young." And *p**...* she vanishes.
Next, an ugly woman looks at her reflection and says, "I think I am beautiful." And *p**...* she also disappears.
Then, a blonde woman takes her turn with the mirror. "I think..." and *p**...* she's gone.
The world is full of lies and deception:
The label on the door said "Ladies" but there was just a toilet.
Somebody, somewhere, has m**... while thinking of you
And other lies you can tell yourself
Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.
He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?
St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.
The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.
Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?
St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
I before E, except after C.
We ***feign agreeing***, but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has influenced the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***leisure*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike.
The Bible says it's okay to be gay
So long as you're high
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be s**...."
What do you call a bison that is good at telling lies?
Bluffalo.
LEGIT :)
Legalizing gay marriage and m**... at the same time now makes perfect Biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be s**.... Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
Do you think they can bury two people in the same grave?...
I've just been wondering ever since I saw a headstone that said, "here lies a lawyer and an honest man".
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
(I'll see myself out.)
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face
On Monday, h**... told 1 lie.
On Tuesday, he again told 1 lie.
On Wednesday, he told 2 lies.
On Thursday, 3.
On Friday, 5.
On Saturday, 8.
And on Sunday, h**... told 13 lies.
That is the fibber-n**... sequence.
A man dies, goes to heaven, and sees a wall full of clocks.
The man asks God what all the clocks are for, and God explains, "these are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."
Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's George Washington's", God answers. "The hands have never moved, indicating he never told a lie."
"Incredible," the man responds. "And whose clock is that?"
God responds. "That's Barack Obama's. The hands move, but very rarely, which means he doesn't lie much in his life."
"Where is Donald Trump's clock?" the man asks.
"Trump's clock is in Jesus' office," God says. "He uses it as a fan."
Wrong number perhaps
A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.
"This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies."
"I'll say he has," the woman replies, "I don't have a son."
p**... rings his new girlfriend's door bell
p**... rings his new girlfriend's door bell, holding a
big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips
her knickers off and says
'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says p**...,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'
After many years of sadness and suffering, I tearfully buried my loving wife today.
She insisted that she wasn't actually dead, but that b**... told lies.
A crying jewish man goes to the synagogue
He stumbles to the floor and just lies there, sobbing and crying.
Suddenly he hears a voice from above: "What's wrong my child?".
"Oh", cries the man, "it is horrible. My son got baptized."
"Happened to me too", says the voice. "In the end I had to write a New Testament".
PS: Translation of a German joke, I hope it still works in English.
An elderly couple are making their f**... arrangements.
They get to choose what is engraved on each other's headstones.
Husband says, "Here lies Karen. Quiet at last"
Wife says, "Here lies Kevin, stiff at last"
What do you call it when a man lies about his p*nis size?
A Phallacy!
What's Orange and Lies Constantly?
A rotting clementine, but I like where your head's at.
What do you call a lizard that tells damaging lies about you?
A slandermander
My 9 year old daughter just now. Where do people get their lies from?
From the lie-brary
Earthquakes are confusing
We know where the fault lies but we have no one to blame
My wife left me for another man.
All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with s**... seemingly the only way out.
And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.
My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties
Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?
The school phoned me today and said, "Your sons been telling lies."
"Well, he's b**... good, I ain't got any kids." I replied.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."
I said, "Tell him, he's b**... good. I don't have any kids
A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.
He says to her:
'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and when our son died in a car c**...?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'
'yes'
'you know what?'
'no'
'i think you bring me bad luck'
A dad buys a lie detector robot and it slaps anyone who lies
The dad asks his son, where were you today ? And the son says, at school and the robot slaps him. Then the son says ok, ok, ok,... I was watching Kung Fu Panda . Then the robot slaps him again. So the sons says fine...I was hanging out with a girl. And the dad goes what? You're too young to hang out with girls I never hung out with girls at your age and the robot slaps him. Then the mom starts laughing and says well he is your son after all and the robot slaps her.
What lies on its back a hundred feet in the air?
A centipede.

