Lied Jokes

Following is our collection of sang humor and lying one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Lied puns for adults, dirty liar jokes or clean extramarital gags for kids.

There is an abundance of agnostics jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 66 funniest jokes on lied. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any untruthful witze you can hear about lied.

The Best jokes about Lied

A mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,

"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

"I've just had sex education in school today, Dad!

You lied to me!

You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"

I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.

My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.

I lied about my age

A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did she marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 45?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.


They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.

They lied, everyone else has clothes on.

Why are most women bad at parking?

Because they have been constantly lied to about what 6 inches are

WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!

Apparently you have to wear clothes too.

A child and Human Origin

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"


So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."


The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."


The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"


His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Two atheists were lost in a desert.

Two atheists were lost in a desert. They had run out of supplies and were wandering aimlessly.

One morning, they encountered a Muslim. The Muslim asked, "What are your names?"

The first, figuring the Muslim would be more likely to help a fellow Muslim, lied and said, "My name is Mohammed."

The second stayed honest and said, "My name is Dave."

The Muslim gave Dave a hearty breakfast. He turned to "Mohammed" and said, "Fasting is so hard, isn't it?"

What has four wheels and can't support a family?

A liberal arts major.

I lied about the wheels.


Frustrated Prostitute.

There was this hard working prostitute who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart. The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said,

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Turns out we've all been lied to about French fries. The first fries weren't actually cooked in France.

They were cooked in Greece.

''Mr president, what would you say is your best lie to the American people?''

"I have never lied to the American people."


"Excellent choice, Mr president. Thank you."

They said a mask was enough to go to the grocery store.

They lied. Everyone else had clothes on

When I went to Heavan...

I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him

Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.

He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?

St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.

The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.

Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?

St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

A Guy Proposing To His GF...

She interrupted him and said: but I have one flaw you should be aware of: I fart alot! Like a lot!
He giggled and said it's alright I have a problem with my nose too, I can't smell that well.

After three days of them living together ,
The guy is opening the windows of the apartment,
And the wife is crying and shouting YOU LIED TO ME, YOU CAN SMELL!,
The guy responded: no I didn't but it is getting hard to walk around here! my eyes are burning!


A man goes to heaven, but the first thing he noticed was a wall covered in clocks.

He asks an angel "What are those clocks for?"

"Each clocks shows represents each human on Earth. Every time they lie, the clock goes a head by one minute. For example, this is the Pope's clock, it has never moved, meaning never in his life has he lied."

The angel goes on. "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. It's only moved twice, meaning Lincoln only lied twice!"

The man asks "Is there clocks for other politicians?"

The angel says "Clocks of other politicians? We use those as ceiling fans for the offices."

A man dies and goes to heaven, where he is greeted by billions of clocks and Saint Peter waiting for him.

"What are all of clocks for?" The man asked St. Peter.

"My child, the clocks only move when a person lies. You see that one as only moved twice because that is Abraham Lincoln's clock, and he has only lied twice." St. Peter replies.

"Why has that clock not moved yet?" He asked.

"That clock is for Mother Teresa, for she has never lied."

"Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The man asked.

"Oh, Jesus is using it as a celing fan in his office."

Why are women bad at parking?

Because they're consistently lied to about what 6 inches looks like.

A man died and went to heaven

As St. Peter showed him around,Β he couldn't help but notice all the clocks on the wall. So, being curious, he asked "What are all of these clocks for?" "Those are lie clocks. Each person on earth has one, and when you lie, the hands move. This one is mother Teresa's. It's never moved, showing that she's never lied. This is abe Lincoln's. It's moved twice showing he had told only two lies."Β 

"That's incredible" said the man

"Where's Trump's?" he asked

"Oh it's in God's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

Why can't women get close to the curb when they parallel park?

Because they're constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

A child asked his father:

"How were people born"? So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and had babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him: "We were monkeys, then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

What is green and has wheels

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Black Lives Matter movement organizers lied about total number of followers.

It turns out the movement is only three fifths as big as they say it is.

They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket..

They lied, everyone else had their clothes on.

A man dies and goes to Heaven...

He is greeted at the pearly gates and sees billions of clocks. He asks the angel what they are for. The angel responds that they show how many times a person has lied. The man sees the Abraham Lincolns has moved only twice and the St. Mary's hasn't moved at all. Then, he asks where Obama's is. The angel responds "it's in Jesus's office. he's using it as a ceiling fan"

An old woman calls her doctor.

She said she is tired of living and want to know the best way to kill herself. The doctor says, " Im sorry ma'm but i cant help you kill yourself!" The old woman tells him, "Fine, i will just jump off of a building then." The doctor didn't want that, so he said "Very well. Lay down in your bed and shoot yourself two inches below your left breast." So, the woman called all of her loved ones one last time, got her husbands old shotgun, lied down in bed, and blew her left kneecap off.

My sex-ed teacher lied to me

They said I would have sex when I was older

How were people born?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

My Acceptance Speech

"I would like to thank my arms, for always being by my side. My legs, for always supporting me, as best they could. As for my fingers, well I could always count on them. And finally my hips, for they never lied."

I lied awake all last night waiting for the sun to come up...

And then it dawned on me.

They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.

They lied, everybody else had clothes on.

Did you hear Lance Armstrong lied

The ball of some people

My wife had to die because she lied about her weight one time too much.

Bungee jumping...

Once there was a mirror that killed anyone who lied...

1st person :Β I think I dont smoke (died).

2nd person :Β I think I love my wife (died).

Karen :Β I think.. (died)

Did you hear about the Greek bricklayer who lied a lot?

He would always con Crete.

Joke from my neighbour, Slade.

I'm no longer with a girl because she lied about her weight.

She died in a bungee jumping accident.

I bought my first brand new iPhone and I was so excited

My friends had been telling me how much they love their's but mine's been nothing but trouble from WiFi problems to dropped calls to rebooting out of nowhere. I'm starting to think my friends lied to me or maybe I just got a bad apple.

A man died and went to Heaven.

He was greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. He saw a wall of clocks that had names on them. He asked Saint Peter what they were for. He replied "They are lie clocks, and every time you lie, the hands move one minute." He showed him George Washington's clock, which was at 12:00, and he told him this meant he had never lied. He then showed him Bill Gates' clock, which was at 1:30, which meant he had lied 90 times. The man asked where Trump's clock was. Saint Peter said "It's in Jesus's office. He uses it as a ceiling fan"

Why are women so bad at parallel parking?

Because they're constantly being lied to about what six inches looks like.

My Son Lied in School

Today I got a call from the school, saying he was lying about stealing from other students.

I don't have a son at school.

Pinocchio lied while going down on her.

She was taken aback.

I bought a cow last week...

The old farmer who sold her to disclosed that only 3 out of the 6 teats produced milk. I brought home and went to milking only to find that he lied and not a single teat produced milk! It was an udder failure.

So a staircase said something to me the other day...

Actually I lied, it just stared at me.

Sorry it's a bit Long but worth it

A kid walks up to his dad and ask how were humans created his dad said Adam and eve had babies and their babies had babies and so on t kid then goes ask his mom the same question his mom replies we were once monkeys then we evolved to humans the kid goes back to his dad and says you lied to me which the dad replies no your mother was talking about her side of the family

At least everyone can agree on one thing

As president, Trump speaks the truth almost as often as Obama lied

I was lied to about the Hunger Games...

It's absolutely nothing like Top Chef.

You know when you lie, things can get out of hand very quickly.......

For example I heard about a girl who lied to her husband about how she got pregnant and now there is an entire religion.

Sex Survey Says

The Kinseys did a survey of sexual practices in a town.
Half the town admitted they masturbated.
The other half lied.

My buddy invited me to a party at his place, saying "tons" of people would be coming.

It turned out to be pretty lame. When I arrived, his place was dead silent and he seemed to be the only person there.

However, I checked the living room and found he hadn't lied; your mother was sitting on the couch.

There were three ants in a queue. The first ant said "there are 2 ants behind me". The second ant said "there's one ant behind me". The third ant said "there are 2 ants behind me". How is this possible ?

The 3rd ant lied.

School is NOT prison

I always wonder why people call school "Prison". I've been going to school for almost 11 years and i have not once seen 6ix9ine. ffs people lied to me.

What's green and rolls?

Grass. I lied about the rolling part.

Did you hear the one about that kid who lied about having brain cancer for awards and upvotes?...

Apparently he hasn't heard the concept of "karma"

I'm an honest, hardworking kind of guy.

I lied, I'm too lazy to even come up with a good punchline for this.

My ex called me today, begging me to look at an MRI she had recently

She said it would prove she had been acting crazy due to brain damage. Having been lied to so many times before I scoffed. Told her I wasn't having any of her psycho schematic bullshit

Remember when Hollywood said that they'd move to Australia if Trump won?

They lied as well as a politician. Guess we know who's the next president going to be.

Dog bite

A boy sees a man sitting on a park bench with a dog laying next to him. The boy asks the man, "does your dog bite?" The man replies "no." The boy goes over to pet the dog, who then jumps up and bites the boy's hand. With tears in his eyes, the boy cries "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The man responds "I lied."

What's brown and sticky?

My car, I lied about the colour, oh, and the sticky bit.

A classic...

A man is sitting on a park bench, enjoying the day. Next to him sits a dog.

A jogger comes by and asks, "Does your dog bite?"

"No," replies the man.

The jogger reaches over to pet the dog, who promptly bites him.

"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" exclaims the jogger, nursing his hand.

The man looks up at the jogger and says, "I lied."

Newly wed 70-year old

Marty is with his fellow septuagenarian friends. During a thoughtful pause between all the joking and grousing he reveals that he and his new bride are having some issues with sex. The friends had previously warned Marty that his bride-to-be only wanted him for his money and now they rallied around him.

"You lied by saying that you're only 50 years old. And now she's disappointed that you have sex infrequently," ventured a friend.

"Yes, I lied," Marty confessed. "I said that I was 90 years old. And now she's upset that it's in frequently."

> mandatory: this is not mine; not OC

I lied to my wife about what I was doing.

I told her I was laminating copies of my newest novel. But that was only a cover for my story.

Lying is a sin! I heard a woman lied to her husband about sleeping with another man.

Now there's a whole religion over it.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes