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Lied Jokes

103 lied jokes and hilarious lied puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lied that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the most deceitful jokes you can use to fool your friends and family! These 'Lied Jokes' use clever puns to disguise simple truths with clever schemes. Enjoy the art of deception with these sike-i-lied, psych-i-lied, and sung jokes!

Funniest Lied Short Jokes

Short lied jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lied humour may include short song jokes also.

  1. What weigh more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman? The woman. They always lie about their weight.
  2. What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump? George Washington couldn't tell a lie.
    Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth.
    Donald Trump can't tell the difference
  3. A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified... "See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"
    The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..."
  4. A 60 year old billionaire walks into a bar with his gorgeous 25 year old wife Friend: How did she marry you?
    Billionaire: I lied about my age
    Friend: You said 45?
    Billionaire: No! I said 90!
  5. Why are women so bad at parking? Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.
  6. Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie. 100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.
  7. A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
  8. "Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?" "I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"
    "Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
  9. In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth... and Trump can not tell the difference
  10. Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said "You're a lot like a math exam."
    I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"
    She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."

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Lied One Liners

Which lied one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lied? I can suggest the ones about ling and song lyric.

  1. What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.
  2. Voldemort:so I just have to lie? pinocchio: yep.
  3. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.
  4. What do you call a priest who always lies? A pathological friar.
  5. My laziness is like the number 8. Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.
  6. Why must 8 always stand up? If it lies down, it's forever.
  7. What does a liar do after he's dead? He lies still...
  8. Chuck Norris once took a lie detector test The machine confessed everything
  9. The ladies call me Subway. Because I have poor quality meat and lie about being 6 inches.
  10. Three things that never lie..... Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants
  11. What happens to lawyers after they die? They lie still.
  12. What is the biggest lie in the Universe I have read and accepted the terms and conditions
  13. What do cheaters do after they die? They lie still
  14. Why do archaeologist lead sad lives? Because their career lies in ruins.
  15. How does an attorney go to sleep? First he lies on one side, then the other!!

Lied joke, How does an attorney go to sleep?

Amusing Lied Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends

What funny jokes about lied you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean laden jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lied pranks.

A m**... was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,

"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".

I was lied to about the Hunger Games...

It's absolutely nothing like Top Chef.

Did you hear Lance Armstrong lied

The ball of some people

A classic...

A man is sitting on a park bench, enjoying the day. Next to him sits a dog.
A jogger comes by and asks, "Does your dog bite?"
"No," replies the man.
The jogger reaches over to pet the dog, who promptly bites him.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" exclaims the jogger, nursing his hand.
The man looks up at the jogger and says, "I lied."

A child and Human Origin

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

A man dies and goes to Heaven...

He is greeted at the pearly gates and sees billions of clocks. He asks the angel what they are for. The angel responds that they show how many times a person has lied. The man sees the Abraham Lincolns has moved only twice and the St. Mary's hasn't moved at all. Then, he asks where Obama's is. The angel responds "it's in Jesus's office. he's using it as a ceiling fan"

You know when you lie, things can get out of hand very quickly.......

For example I heard about a girl who lied to her husband about how she got pregnant and now there is an entire religion.

Lying is a sin! I heard a woman lied to her husband about sleeping with another man.

Now there's a whole religion over it.

I had the shingles on my house redone, and the contractor lied to me about his pricing.

I was expecting it for free, he said it was going to be on the house.

I'm no longer with a girl because she lied about her weight.

She died in a bungee jumping accident.

I lied to my wife about what I was doing.

I told her I was laminating copies of my newest novel. But that was only a cover for my story.

So a staircase said something to me the other day...

Actually I lied, it just stared at me.

My buddy invited me to a party at his place, saying "tons" of people would be coming.

It turned out to be pretty lame. When I arrived, his place was dead silent and he seemed to be the only person there.
However, I checked the living room and found he hadn't lied; your mother was sitting on the couch.

Black Lives Matter movement organizers lied about total number of followers.

It turns out the movement is only three fifths as big as they say it is.

My Acceptance Speech

"I would like to thank my arms, for always being by my side. My legs, for always supporting me, as best they could. As for my fingers, well I could always count on them. And finally my hips, for they never lied."

I lied awake all last night waiting for the sun to come up...

And then it dawned on me.

Why are women bad at parking?

Because they're consistently lied to about what 6 inches looks like.

What has four wheels and can't support a family?

A liberal arts major.
I lied about the wheels.

Frustrated p**....

There was this hard working p**... who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart. The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".

s**... Survey Says

The Kinseys did a survey of s**... practices in a town.
Half the town admitted they m**....
The other half lied.

What is green and has wheels

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

"I've just had s**... education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have s**... before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.

When I went to Heavan...

I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him
Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan

Why are most women bad at parking?

Because they have been constantly lied to about what 6 inches are

Why can't women get close to the curb when they parallel park?

Because they're constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

Dog bite

A boy sees a man sitting on a park bench with a dog laying next to him. The boy asks the man, "does your dog bite?" The man replies "no." The boy goes over to pet the dog, who then jumps up and bites the boy's hand. With tears in his eyes, the boy cries "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The man responds "I lied."

I lied about my age

A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!
Friend: "How did she marry you?"
Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"
Friend: "You said 45?"
Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

Newly wed 70-year old

Marty is with his fellow septuagenarian friends. During a thoughtful pause between all the joking and grousing he reveals that he and his new bride are having some issues with s**.... The friends had previously warned Marty that his bride-to-be only wanted him for his money and now they rallied around him.
"You lied by saying that you're only 50 years old. And now she's disappointed that you have s**... infrequently," ventured a friend.
"Yes, I lied," Marty confessed. "I said that I was 90 years old. And now she's upset that it's in frequently."
> mandatory: this is not mine; not OC

My Son Lied in School

Today I got a call from the school, saying he was lying about stealing from other students.
I don't have a son at school.

Two atheists were lost in a desert.

Two atheists were lost in a desert. They had run out of supplies and were wandering aimlessly.
One morning, they encountered a Muslim. The Muslim asked, "What are your names?"
The first, figuring the Muslim would be more likely to help a fellow Muslim, lied and said, "My name is Mohammed."
The second stayed honest and said, "My name is Dave."
The Muslim gave Dave a hearty breakfast. He turned to "Mohammed" and said, "Fasting is so hard, isn't it?"

There were three ants in a queue. The first ant said "there are 2 ants behind me". The second ant said "there's one ant behind me". The third ant said "there are 2 ants behind me". How is this possible ?

The 3rd ant lied.

My s**...-ed teacher lied to me

They said I would have s**... when I was older

A Guy Proposing To His GF...

She interrupted him and said: but I have one flaw you should be aware of: I f**... alot! Like a lot!
He giggled and said it's alright I have a problem with my nose too, I can't smell that well.
After three days of them living together ,
The guy is opening the windows of the apartment,
And the wife is crying and shouting YOU LIED TO ME, YOU CAN SMELL!,
The guy responded: no I didn't but it is getting hard to walk around here! my eyes are burning!

At least everyone can agree on one thing

As president, Trump speaks the truth almost as often as Obama lied

My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had s**... education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have s**... before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.

My ex called me today, begging me to look at an MRI she had recently

She said it would prove she had been acting crazy due to brain damage. Having been lied to so many times before I scoffed. Told her I wasn't having any of her psycho schematic b**...

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.

He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?
St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.
The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.
Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?
St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

Remember when Hollywood said that they'd move to Australia if Trump won?

They lied as well as a politician. Guess we know who's the next president going to be.

My wife had to die because she lied about her weight one time too much.

Bungee jumping...

A child asked his father:

"How were people born"? So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and had babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him: "We were monkeys, then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

What's brown and sticky?

My car, I lied about the colour, oh, and the sticky bit.

I bought a cow last week...

The old farmer who sold her to disclosed that only 3 out of the 6 teats produced milk. I brought home and went to milking only to find that he lied and not a single t**... produced milk! It was an udder failure.

School is NOT prison

I always wonder why people call school "Prison". I've been going to school for almost 11 years and i have not once seen 6ix9ine. ffs people lied to me.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said,

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

I'm an honest, hardworking kind of guy.

I lied, I'm too lazy to even come up with a good punchline for this.

Did you hear about the Greek bricklayer who lied a lot?

He would always con Crete.
Joke from my neighbour, Slade.

I have to admit that I lied at my interview when asked if I perform well under pressure

I hate working on this submarine

What's green and rolls?

Grass. I lied about the rolling part.

WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!

Apparently you have to wear clothes too.

They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.

They lied, everyone else has clothes on.

Pinocchio lied while going down on her.

She was taken aback.

Why are women so bad at parallel parking?

Because they're constantly being lied to about what six inches looks like.

Sorry it's a bit Long but worth it

A kid walks up to his dad and ask how were humans created his dad said Adam and eve had babies and their babies had babies and so on t kid then goes ask his mom the same question his mom replies we were once monkeys then we evolved to humans the kid goes back to his dad and says you lied to me which the dad replies no your mother was talking about her side of the family

Did you hear the one about that kid who lied about having brain cancer for awards and upvotes?...

Apparently he hasn't heard the concept of "karma"

I bought my first brand new iPhone and I was so excited

My friends had been telling me how much they love their's but mine's been nothing but trouble from WiFi problems to dropped calls to rebooting out of nowhere. I'm starting to think my friends lied to me or maybe I just got a bad apple.

How were people born?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket..

They lied, everyone else had their clothes on.

They said a mask was enough to go to the grocery store.

They lied. Everyone else had clothes on

''Mr president, what would you say is your best lie to the American people?''

"I have never lied to the American people."
"Excellent choice, Mr president. Thank you."

They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.

They lied, everybody else had clothes on.

Turns out we've all been lied to about French fries. The first fries weren't actually cooked in France.

They were cooked in Greece.

Once there was a mirror that killed anyone who lied...

1st person : I think I dont smoke (died).
2nd person : I think I love my wife (died).
Karen : I think.. (died)

I took a sick day and lied that I had constipation

My boss bought it and even said he hopes I get well soon and stop being so full of s**...

I was told that a mask and gloves were enough to go shopping with...

I was lied to. Everyone else had clothes on.

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won't get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who's lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

What's green and has four wheels?

It's grass, I lied about the wheels.

Over Christmas dinner, I accidentally let it slip I'd lied about my degree in biology.

Me and my big face-hole thingy.

Why did Robinhood steal from the rich?

He actually didn't he instead limited what the working class could trade in stocks in order for the rich to make money. Disney lied.

Sorry, mom. I hope dad would feel the same way

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

A man dies and goes to Heaven...

When he meets Peter, he sees billions of clocks behind him.
"What's the deal with those clocks?" the man asks.
"Each of these clocks is bound to a person on Earth, either dead or alive," Peter replies. "Every time they lie, the pointers shift."
Peter then gives some examples: "This one is Mother Theresa's. It says 00:00, because she never lied. This one is Abraham Lincoln's. He lied twice..." etc.
The man, curious, then asks: "So... where's Mark Rutte's clock?"
"Oh, it's in my office: I use it as my fan!"

Dated a gold digger once.

I date this girl once, she was a solid 10. She was smoking hot, and crazy in bed. Things went south though, she claimed I lied about how much money I had.
And I was like my exact words where, that I has worth between 40 and 75 million dollars .
So what if it was only $2,165. It is still between $40- $75,000,000.

The crab

A female crab saw a male crab walking straight, not sideways, like other c**... did.
'This guy is really really special', she thought, and asked him out. Soon they were married.
A few days later she saw him walking sideways just like the other c**..., and was disappointed and angry.
'You lied to me!' She said. 'I thought you were different and special!'
The crab said 'Oh honey, you know I can't drink that much every day!'

The teacher told the girls in the class to start screaming and running out of class every time John lied

It was the perfect revenge prank
Once John entered, the teacher asked why he was late, he answered They're building a s**... club right across my house
The girls then started screaming and running out of class, John just looked confused and said
chill out h**... they're not hiring yet

An 60 guy introduced his friend to his new trophy wife

When they alone without the wife they asked him : "how did you got such a hot wife? "
He said: " i lied about my age"
"did you tell her that you are fifty?" asked one of his friends
"no i told her i am eighty" replied the man

When I was younger, I was told my Prime would come at around 26 or 27 years old.

They lied though, I'm 28 and still can't afford my own account.

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old g**... like you. How did you pull it off?"
"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."
"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.
"There is no way she could believe you were 40". John shakes his head again.
"So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"
John smiles and says "85".

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, I have no naughty books!
The machine quickly hit him.
His father saw that and scolded his son, When I was your age, I didn't have such books!
The machine quickly hit him.
The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, Oh, you are truly father and son!
The machine quickly hit her.

Why are women so bad at backing up their vehicles?

Because we're constantly lied to about how long 6 inches is.

I asked my wife what she wanted for our wedding anniversary.

She said nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.
So I bought her nothing.
She lied.

If I had a dollar for every time Amber Heard lied in court

I'd have enough money to fulfil her charity pledge.

I confronted my housekeeper after she lied about servicing my house.

I just wanted her to come clean.

Lied joke, I confronted my housekeeper after she lied about servicing my house.

jokes about lied