Lid Jokes
60 lid jokes and hilarious lid puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lid that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Lid Short Jokes
Short lid jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lid humour may include short mouth jokes also.
- My girlfriend told me to move out as i am no help around the house. So as i walked out i tightened the lids on all the jars in the kitchen.
- If Abraham Lincoln was alive today... He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.
- If elvis Presley was alive today, what do you think he'd be doing right now? Scratching at the coffin lid, screaming Let me out!
- Remember if you lose a sock in the dryer.... ....it comes back as a Tupperware lid, that doesn't fit any of your containers.
- I always leave a penny on the toilet lid after I take a dump Just so that a cent is covering the odor
- A kid was born without eye lids, so they used the spare skin from his circumcision to form some. Everything turned out fine, except... the doctor said he was a little cockeyed.
- Take everyone's eye lids and noone bats an eye. Take everyone's brains and everybody loses their minds.
- What would Kim Jong-Il be doing if he was still alive today? Scratching at the lid of his coffin.
- My SO is giving me the silent treatment, so I tightened all the lids of our jars. Now she'll have to talk to me.
- She claims to love to travel on her Tinder profile.... Starts screaming the second you shut the trunk lid.
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Lid One Liners
Which lid one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lid? I can suggest the ones about casket and yoghurt.
- Will caskets with clear lids ever catch on? Remains to be seen.
- Ants Dancing Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
A: The lid said, "Twist to open." - Always use a lid when boiling water. It'll make it boil a lid-le faster!
- What would Lady Diana do if she were still alive? Scratch the lid of her casket.
- What do you call a glass container with a bad lid? A loose-seal ball jar
- I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
- Why did the Green Giant get a new lid? Because he always spills the beans.
- What do you get for every sock that goes missing A tupaware container with no lid
- Did you know they sell lids for frisbees? I just disc covered them.
- £650 for a coffin lid on eBay...
- Why don't men like toilet lid covers? It only delays knowing the lid might still be down.
- Today someone asked me if I lifted I told them I lift oreo lids
- If John Lennon was still alive today he'd be scratching furiously at the lid.
- Would you like a lid and tray with your order? Do you offer juggling lessons instead?
- The best m**... weapon would be a Tupperware lid because nobody would ever find it.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Lid Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about lid you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hood jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lid pranks.
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a s**... count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
Al Sharpton goes to Best Buy
Al Sharpton heads into best buy and is browsing the appliance section. He calls over a young white male employee.
Al: Hey young man, I'd like to register a complaint.
Best Buy Guy: What seems to be the issue sir?
Al: Well you see son, all of these washers are white! This is outrageous!
Best Buy Guy: (opens the lid and points inside the machine) Well if you look inside sir, you'll see that all the agitators are black.
How do you turn the light on after s**...?
You open the coffin lid.
Sugar
A blonde would wake up every morning, go into the kitchen, carefully open the lid of the sugar container, look into it and then close it.
This made her new boyfriend very curious. So one day he asked her why she did that. She replied, "My doctor asked me to check my sugar level every day."
Someone invites their friend over to their house for the first time and shows them around.
Admiring an ornate jar with a lid, the friend picks it up and asks about its importance.
"Oh, those are my father's ashes." comes the reply which startles them, causing the jar to slip between their fingers and shatter on the floor in a cloud of grey dust.
"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY!" profuses the panicked friend, but they're reassured- "Relax! My dad can put his smokes out in a mug until he buys another one."
A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck
and says make me one with everything. The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. Where's my change? the monk asks. The vendor replies, change comes from within
Q: What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive today in 2022?
A: Knocking on the lid of his coffin.
Hee hee!
How are a lid on a sewer and a pair of men's underwear the same?
They're both manhole covers.
Why do they call it extra v**... olive oil?
You have to unscrew the lid...
What's worse than eating out your grandmother?
b**... your head on the coffin lid.
I think I might be gender fluid because today I felt like a woman.
I couldn't get the lid off a jar of jam.
Old People And Nastiness
A very old couple wanted to have children, so they went to their doctor and told him their problem. The doctor gave the couple a tiny jar and told them to fill it up. About a week later, the couple came back.
"I tried with my right hand until it gave out, and I tried with my left hand until it gave out," said the man.
"And I tried with both hands until they gave out," said the woman. "And we still can't get the lid off the jar."
What's the worst part of going down on grandma?
Hitting your head on the casket lid,
I tried b**...-chugging for the first time. Took an entire bottle of v**....
Had no effect on me though. Nobody told me you were supposed to take the lid off.
Why did the tupperware get a divorce?
Because he blew his lid when she tried to contain him
Did you hear Hef's f**... had to be postponed....
They couldn't shut the lid on the casket. (wink)
My Wife Saw Me l**... A Yogurt Lid And Said "Why Don't You Lick Me Like That?"
My Wife Saw Me l**... A Yogurt Lid And Said "Why Don't You Lick Me Like That?"
"Because Yogurt Tastes Better"
The Divorce Is Next Tuesday
Mr.Bond caught pants down
"Ah, Mr Bond, I-"
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
"-wasn't expecting you."
If Marilyn Monroe were alive right now, what would she be doing?
Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
What would Ronald Reagan be doing if he were alive today?
He'd be scratching at the lid of his coffin yelling, "Let me out! I'm alive! Let me out!!"
As a teacher, I find it difficult to group young, vibrant children by ability and put them into meaningless boxes...
... you have to really push down hard to close the lid.
A friend was complaining about how hard it is to cook eggs sunny side up...
I told him to put a lid on it.
So a lady with Parkinson's orders a grande decaf peppermint soy latte no whip
and I forgot to put the lid on.
A woman goes to the doctor and says, Could you please prescribe me something against my headaches?
OK, says the doctor, take this and come back in two weeks.
After two weeks, the lady is back and complains, I'm sorry doctor. I've been using this for the past two weeks, I followed the instructions on the package, but nothing happened.
The doctor is concerned, That's unusual Mrs Grimky, what were the instructions exactly?
Well, keep the lid tightly s**... on at all times.
If MLK were alive today...
he'd be scratching at the lid of his coffin screaming, "Let me out! I'm not dead! Let me out! I'm alive!"
Last night I had a Tupperware party that went on till 4 in the morning.
Might have lasted even longer but the cops came round and we had to put a lid on it.
Whats the worst part about going down on your grandmother?
b**... your head on the lid of the coffin.
What's grosser than g**...?
Giving your grandmother o**... s**......
And then hitting your head on the coffin lid.
A man is attempting to donate s**... at a s**... bank...
... but he's having difficulty finishing, and so takes a while.
Eventually he manages, so he screws the lid on, and heads back into the reception to deposit the cup.
But by now a long line has formed with other men attempting to do the same thing - all the way to the door.
Furious, he marches up to the receptionist at the front of the line and says, "This is unacceptable - I can't wait this long, I have places to be! I need you to process my sample right now."
The receptionist turns to him and replies, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to go to the back of the line; we have a strict first-come first-served policy."
There was a man that was completely infatuated with Beethoven.
This man had heard a rumor that Beethoven was buried with his final masterpiece that nobody had ever seen or heard. In a fit of madness he went to the great masters grave and dug it up. When he finally reached the lid of Beethovens coffin he pried it open and to his amazement Beethoven was busily erasing the music the man had sought.
"What are you doing?" cried the man.
Beethoven glanced up at him and said, "Hey, shut the lid and leave me alone. Can't you see that I'm decomposing".
