Licking Jokes
129 licking jokes and hilarious licking puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about licking that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for a good laugh? Get ready to laugh out loud with our collection of hilarious jokes about licking. These jokes range from tongue-in-cheek window licking puns to jokes about licking lollipops and even dogs! Who said laughing isn't contagious? Let’s get the party started and see how many times you can wipe the tears from your eyes.
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Funniest Licking Short Jokes
Short licking jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The licking humour may include short licked jokes also.
- I always used to lick the bowl clean. Until my parents told me to flush it like everyone else.
- I asked my mum if I could lick the bowl when she was finished. She replied "why can't you flush it like everyone else"
- I must be in the minority, but I always lick my knife when I'm done None of the other surgeons seem to do it !
- Do you really have to lick the knife? she asked. Sorry, force of habit. Lots of people do it though, don't they? I said. Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor.
- they asked a 100year old grandpa why were all the women still crazy about him? grandpa said nothing! just gently licked his eyebrow
- Is it weird to lick a knife after your done using it? Because the other surgeons looked at me in disgust today.
- Yesterday I accidentally sent a n**... picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamp.
- I guess I must be in the minority, but I always lick the knife when I'm done. None of the other surgeons seem to do it.
- My DNA results came back 39% German, 27% Irish, 19% Beagle and 15% Pug. Turns out my dog licked my sample.
- I always used to ask my mom if I could lick the bowl... ... She'd always say "No! Just flush it like a normal person!"
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Licking One Liners
Which licking one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with licking? I can suggest the ones about kissing and tongue kissing.
- My gf broke up with me after I licked her toes… …i guess I got off on the wrong foot.
- "Mommy, mommy! Can I lick the bowl?" "No, flush it like everyone else"
- "Mummy, can I lick the bowl?" "No Samantha you can flush like everyone else does"
- Why are cats and daughters equal in Alabama? They both lick their paw.
- Mommy can I lick the bowl.. No! Flush it like a normal person.
- Mum, can I lick the bowl? No! Flush the toilet like everyone else.
- I just told my best friend I loved her. She wagged her tail and licked my face.
- Friend just randomly licked my bleeding cut Then they said "no hemo"
- Dinosaur Jokes (2 of 3) What do you call a lesbian Dinosaur?
A Lick-a-lot-a-pus - Where do cats learn to clean themselves? At a Cat Lick school.
- Why did the walrus lick the envelope? Because he was looking for a good seal.
- Q: Why did the chicken lick the toad? A: To get to the other side.
- I like my men, like how I like my dogs. Loyal, easy to look after and always licks me.
- How do you help a choking pig? With the Ham-Lick maneuver of course
- Why do dogs lick themselves? Because they can't make a fist
Licking Out Jokes
Here is a list of funny licking out jokes and even better licking out puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Do you really have to lick the knife? she growled angrily. Sorry, force of habit. I chuckled. Lots of people do it though, don't they? Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.
- Two cowboys sitting on a fence watching a dog lick his nuts.. One says to the other, "man I wish I could do that" then the other says, "doncha think you should at least pet him first"
- my girlfriend says she can lick the honey from a beehive so gently that the bees won't even know she's there she's a keeper
- Daughter: Can I lick the bowl, Mommy? Mother: No you little freak, get back in there and flush like everyone else.
- With all this controversy about being friend zoned made me nervous,so one day I bent down and hugged my best friend and told her I love her,and she licked my face and wagged her tail!
- Two homeless guys are watching a dog lick it's nuts... ... One says to the other
"I wish I could do that"
The other scoffs and replies
"you'd wanna ask him first" - A child comes out of the bathroom and sees his mother baking a cake "Mommy, can I lick the bowl?"
"No sweetie, you have to flush like everyone else!" - The most inappropriate thing to say to the queen of England, I lick your stamps all the time.
- Why will the U.S. Post Office never issue a Donald Trump stamp? Because 60 percent of Americans would spit on the front side, and 40 percent would lick the back side.
- Pick up line: Girl are you an oreo? Cos I wanna open you up and lick all the good stuff inside
Dog Licking Jokes
Here is a list of funny dog licking jokes and even better dog licking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A dog goes and licks a tree. The dog exclaims ruff...bark
- Yo momma is so ugly her momma had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to lick her.
- I wish my girlfriend was like my dog Could lick peanut butter off me any time of the day
- What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog? A dog who can lick himself from across the room
- Q: Why does a dog lick himself?
A: He can't make a fist. - What happens when a backwards dog licks a small boy? You know where priests get it from.
- How do you get a dog to lick itself clean like a cat? Cover it in peanut butter.
- A dog is lying on the grass l**... his b**...... A guy looks and says to his friend, "I wish I could do that."
His friend says, "You better pet him first. He looks pretty mean." - Two men and a dog sitting out on the porch. The dog is l**... itself.
One man says to the other, "I wish I could do that!" He responds "he'll bite you." - Two r**... watching a dog lick its b**...... The first r**... says, "I wish I could do that." The second r**... says, "I reckon that dog would bite you."

Finger Licking Good Jokes
Here is a list of funny finger licking good jokes and even better finger licking good puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the cannibal go to KFC? He heard it was finger l**... good.
- Why is there no toilet paper at KFC? Cause its finger l**... good.
- Why doesn't KFC have toilet paper? Because it's finger l**... good
- Why doesn't KFC have toilet paper? Because it's finger l**... good
- If a proctologist works part time at KFC.... Is it still finger l**... good?
- Why doesn't the Kentucky Fried Chicken use toilet paper? It's finger l**... good.
Window Licking Jokes
Here is a list of funny window licking jokes and even better window licking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Some b**... wrote the word "m**..." on my window last night. Took me three hours to lick it off.

Amusing Licking Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about licking you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean chewing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make licking pranks.
Two men were walking down the street when they saw a dog l**... himself.
Two men were walking down the street when they saw a dog l**... himself.
One man said "I wish I could do that."
The other man said "You should probably just pet him first."
I tried to find out why my cat kept l**... itself...
turns out its actually quite tasty.
I caught my friend l**... my tv today.
So much for the high def l**... screen.
There once were two drunk guys..
They were sitting outside, when a dog comes along and started l**... his nuts.
The first guy leans over to his buddy and says " Hey man, I wish I could do that."
To which his friend replies, " Don't you think you ought to pet it first"
A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...
The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"
The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"
The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts furiously l**... it off, meowing loudly. "See - he does it voluntarily and with songs!"
How do blind people know when they're done wiping?
The dog stops l**....
little Johnny
Was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "'Cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now; If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was l**... her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was s**... the cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one s**... the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
Finger l**... Good
Little Timmy was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Timmy, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Timmy, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Timmy says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was l**... her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was s**... her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one s**... the cone."
"No," said Little Timmy, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Santa and Banta
Santa: Why did people stop printing stamps with photo of Pamela Anderson?
Banta: Because people started l**... the wrong side of it for pasting them on the envelopes..
Do It Yourself?
Two Guys are walking down the street after leaving the bar. When they look across the street and see a dog l**... himself. The o**... goes to the other, "man I wish i could do that", and then his friend says, "Don't you think you should try petting him first?"
My ex-boyfriend told me giving head is like l**... a lollipop...
...but being a woman with little patience, I don't think he appreciated me getting bored and--'
My mom told me this, my dad yelled 'STOP' from the other room before she finished!
Hope it's not a repost, heard this on the radio today...
Cheech and Chong are partying down in Tijuana, when they spot a dog up the road a ways.
Looking closer, they see the dog is frolicking about in the intersection, having a great time l**... himself.
Cheech exclaims, "Man! I wish I could do that!"
Chong replies, "well... maybe you should try to pet him first, man."
Two guys walking down the street spot a dog l**... his privates...
"I wish I could do that," one says.
"Don't," the other replies. "The dog would bite you."
Two men see a dog l**... its n**...
The first man says, "I wish I could do that." The second man says, "What do you mean? Anyone can lick a dog's n**...."
There is a dog in the front yard l**... himself.
Two old men sitting on the front porch. There is a dog in the front yard that is l**... himself.
First man, "I wish I could do that."
Second man, "That dog would bite you!"
Two drunks are walking down the street...
...when they come across a dog, sitting on the kerb, l**... it's privates.
They watch for a while before one of them says "I wish I could do that."
The other looks at him and says, "Wouldn't you like to make friends with him first?"
I hired a p**... to indulge my food f**....
She said that for $500 we could spend the night l**... food off each other's bodies, although if I wanted guacamole it was $1.80 extra.
Cold water
A city boy was spending the summer with his grandfather on a farm.
The first night, the food was good but the plate looks a bit dirty.
The boy asks his grandfather about it and he says "That's as clean as cold water can get them."
The next night, the plates are even more g**... but all the grandfather will say is "That's as clean as cold water will get em"
The following day, the boy see's a dog l**... dirty plates. The grandfather said "I see you met our dog, Cold Water"
Ariana Grande should stop l**... donuts...
and lick deeznuts.
2 guys walking down the road...
they see a dog, l**... its junk.
"I wish I could do that."
"Uhhh....you might want to try petting him first."
A son comes to his grandpa..
... And asks him "Grandpa, how comes all girls still like you?"
"Eh, eh, my lil' son...", said the old man l**... his eyebrow
My dog was l**... his nuts. My friend said, I wish I could do that.
I said, You better pet him first, he's kind of mean.
Two older gentlemen are sitting in the patio drinking coffee. one of the gentlemen is accompanied by his dog.
The dog starts l**... himself and the dogless gentlemen says: I wish I could do that. The dog owner replies: you might want to pet him first.
So a father and son are sitting outside an icecream shop.
And three women walk out, one l**..., one s**... and one biting the icecream cone. The father asks the son, "which one of those girls is married?" The son replies "obviously the one s**... the cone"
"No son, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
Sorry for grammar. I smart
Two guys are walking down the road and they see a dog l**... himself.
First guy says, "Boy I sure wish I could do that."
Second guy says, "I think you should try to pet him first."
Little Johnny is in class...
The teacher asks the class, "there are 5 birds on the line, someone shoots one bird, how many are left?"
Johnny says none, because when the gun went off, there birds flew away. The teacher says, no there are 4 but I like the way you're thinking.
Johnny says ok teacher, there are 3 women sitting on a bench eating ice cream cones. The first one is lightly l**... the ice cream, the second is biting the ice cream and the third one gobbles the whole cone down. Johnny asks, which one is married? The teacher says, the one that gobbles the ice cream cone down? Johnny says, no, it's the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you're thinking.
I think h**... was gay.
After all, he sure loved l**... the poles.
Two Drunk Englishmen
...were walking down a street, late at night when the come across a dog l**... it's own b**....
The first Englishmen points to the dog and says "I wish I could do that"
The second Englishman looks at the dog, and says "I reckon you could, but you better ask it permission first!"
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer...
I find that l**... her n**... and a light gentle f**... usually does the trick...
Walking Down The Street
One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog l**... its own t**.... One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!" His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, "I should say so! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?
Two vampires meet in the street
One have the face full of blood and was l**... the corner of the mouth, so the other one said:
-Wow, what a feast! where do you find it?
-Well... do you see that tower behind the church?
-yes
-I didn't
My Wife Saw Me l**... A Yogurt Lid And Said "Why Don't You Lick Me Like That?"
My Wife Saw Me l**... A Yogurt Lid And Said "Why Don't You Lick Me Like That?"
"Because Yogurt Tastes Better"
The Divorce Is Next Tuesday
Two guys watch a dog l**... itself...
one: - "I wish I could do that."
other: - "If you give it a biscuit it will probably let you."
I kissed a girl in the club and she said, "Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like l**... an ashtray."
"You non-smokers have some funny habits," I replied.
"Why does that guy always get all the women?"
"I don't know...he isn't very handsome or rich"
"And he's a terrible conversationalist - all he does is sit there l**... his eyebrows"
So a man and a wife were walking....
The wife sees a dog l**... itself and whispers to her husband
"I wish I could get down like that."
The husband replies "I suggest you ask if you can pet em first"
I like my women like I like my dogs
Wild, loyal, and l**... her own privates.
Me: *licks lips in anticipation*
I'm nervous, I've never bungee jumped before.
Instructor: Please stop l**... my lips.
Two men saw a dog l**... his chimchilly...
Two men were walking home one day. They saw a Pitbul happily sitting on the grass, l**... his private parts, cleaning himself.
The one man turned to his friend, "Dude, I wish I could do that."
His friend turned to him, with a worried look on his face, "But aren't you scared the dog will bite you?"
I once ate out a girl with Tourettes.
I kept on l**... and she kept on ticking.
johnny in the math class
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is l**... her ice cream, one is s**... her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one s**... her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
So a guy walks into a bar...
So a guy walks into a bar and there is a dog l**... himself, The guy says "Man I wish I could do that" Bartender says "Give him a biscuit, he'll let ya"
My first time bungee jumping.
*Licks lips nervously*
Me: This is my first time bungee jumping.
Instructor: Can you please stop l**... my lips.
Hands sticky and tingling he kept on. Still s**... and l**... he tilted his head back as he had it t**... into his mouth letting the sticky juices flow down his t**....
Grape was his favourite flavour and this was his favourite popsicle.
Jim and Dave are walking down the street when they see a dog l**... his private parts....
"I wish i could do that" says Jim
"Give him a biscuit and he will probably let you"
Two guys are walking home when they see a dog l**... its c**...
o**... looks to the other and says "I wish I could do that." The second guy responds, "Maybe you should try petting him first."
Two Irishmen are walking along the beach and they see a dog turned around l**... himself.
One of the Irishmen says, Don't ya wish you could do that?
And the other says, Sure, but I'd be afraid he'd bite me!
A dog is l**... his private parts
Two men are watching a dog lick his private parts.
First guy says, "I wish I could do that."
Second guy says, "You should probably pet him first."
A man is riding through the desert on his horse...…..
.….The rider is like "Man! I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!" Then suddenly the horse goes "Meow!" and starts l**... himself.
A Couple having s**... in the garden at night....
He says "I wish i had a torch" she says "So do I, you've been l**... that slug on the grass for the last ten minutes"
A small, plain looking guy is sitting by himself in a bar.
All evening girls walk up to his table, talk to him for a bit and then they both head out the door and come back 30 minutes later.
Another guy, getting no action at all, beckons over the bartender and asks if he knows what the guy's secret is.
"Beats me" says the bartender. "All he does is sit there l**... his eyebrows."
First time bungee jumping...
ME: [l**... lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: Don't lick my lips again.
A guy notices a crowd of women at the end of the bar
Curious, he walks toward the end and sees an immensely ugly guy being hit on by several ladies. He sits next to another fella and asks "So, what's this guy's deal? Is he rich or famous?" "Dunno," says the other guy, "he just sits there l**... his eyebrows."
My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for l**... the bowl after I finished.
I guess she's used to most people just flushing.
Two country men are sitting on the front porch with the dog
The dog starts l**... himself between the legs and one man says Hey look at that, I wish I could do that
The other man says That dog would BITE you!
The wife caught the dog l**......
My wife walked in from work today and saw the dog l**... marmite out of my a**....
"Don't let him do that!" she screamed, "It's disgusting."
"That's your opinion" I said, "This is his second jar, he absolutely loves the stuff."
g**... walks into a pub with his terrier
He walks up to the bar to order a drink, whereupon his dog starts l**... its b**....
Another guy already at the bar looks wistfully at the dog and says to the owner Gee mate that's a skill eh, wish I could do that. .
The owner replies Give him a biscuit and he might let you.
Me: *l**... lips in anticipation* I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
I'm so pale...
I'm so pale that when I went outside last winter, the neighborhood kids said, "Hey, look! Frosty's on a diet!"
I'm so pale that when I worked in the ice cream parlor and was giving a kid his vanilla cone, he started l**... my hand.
I'm so pale that my house is listed as haunted. It was built last year!
I'm so pale that when I went to confession, the priest told me to eat a clove of garlic.
There's a man standing with his dog.
The dog is sitting there furiously l**... his b**....
Another man walks past and says jees I wish I could do that!
The first man says, yeah well I'd pat him first .
Two teenage boys are walking down an alley
when they see a stray dog l**... its c**....
The one boy says, Man, I really wish I could do that.
His friend responds, I don't know, you'd better pet him and see if he's friendly, first.
Two guys are walking down the street and come across this dog l**... his b**....
o**... says "Man, I wish *I* could do that". The other guy responds "Maybe you should pet him first!"
A man walks into a bar
And sees a dog by the fireplace l**... its b**....
The man goes to the bar and orders his drink and says to the barman while pointing his thumb towards the dog and says ha, I wish I could do that
The barman replies give him a biscuit and he might let you
My friend came over to visit the other day.
He saw my German Shepherd in the corner l**... his b**... and said "boy...I sure wish I could do that."
I said "well you should probably pet him first, he can be pretty mean."
I heard they found Harry Potter l**... packages in the mailroom again...
Parceltongue
Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts l**... its nuts. Steve says "i wish I could do that"
To which John replies "probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya"
A teacher asks little Johnny a question...
-If there are five birds in a powerline and someone shoots one, how many birds are left?
-None because they will get scared away from the gunshot"
-Four but I like the way you think
-I have a question for you then. There's three women eating ice cream, one's s**..., one's l**... and one's biting. Which one is married?
-The one l**....
-No, the one with the wedding ring but I like the way you think.
Joke of the day
Teacher: "Billy if there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?"
Billy: "none the others flew away"
Teacher: "the awanser is 4 but I like the way you think"
Billy: "i have a question for you miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 l**..., 1 biting and 1 s**.... Which one is married?"
Teacher nervously awansers: the one s**...
Billy: the awanser is the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think
Two elderly gentlemen sipping their beer outside a pub...
One points to a dog l**... its g**... and says:
"Hey Bert, I wish I could do that"
Bert marks a pause, and replies:
"Well, I'm sure he'd let you if you gave him a biscuit"
Two guys were walking down the road when they came upon a male dog l**... his self.
o**... says I wish I could do that and the other guy says you better make sure he'll let you pet him first...
"An interesting title" doesn't sparks interest
Two men are walking down the street when they happen upon a dog l**... his b**..., The first man says " Boy, I wish I could do that" The second guy says" I tried once and he bit me".
My Service Dog
Just left Walmart where a lady asked me what kind of dog i had. I said a GSD service dog. Very rudely she yells what type of service? I said he is a BLD. What's a BLD? She asked as she has her face in my dog's face allowing him to lick her......Now with a straight face I said "He is my b**... l**... dog. I can't find any toilet paper anywhere because of all you hoarding a**... people, so he licks my a**... clean...... The cashier lost it and walked away from the register.
I was walking down the street with my friend when we noticed a large Golden Retriever l**... its b**...
My friend said: What I wouldn't give give to be able to do that!
I told him…
If I was you, I would pet him first..
Two drunks stumble out of a bar
... and see this rough looking big dog sitting outside of the bar and l**... his b**....
Drunk 1: "Man! I wish I could do that!"
Drunk 2: "Dunno, Bob... He looks kinda mean. I'd try petting him first"
Two hobos are at the train yard looking to hitch a ride to the next town.
One hobo sees a dog l**... himself and says "Man, I wish I could do that"
Other hobo says "Maybe you should pet him first."
l**... the beaters.
I remember my mom baking cakes when I was a kid. She used an electric mixer. If I had been good, when she was done mixing she would let me lick the beaters. If I had been really good she would turn it off first.
Dog joke
One day there was two men walking down a street and they saw a dog l**... its b**.... The one man says I wish I could do that . The other man looks at him and says well you better pet him first.

