The Best 83 License Jokes
Following is our collection of funny License jokes. There are some license permission jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these license certification puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest License Jokes and Puns
A teenager gets pulled over for speeding...
The cop says "License and Registration please."
As the teenager is grabbing it out of the glove compartment, the cop then says, "Ya know, I've been waiting for a stupid kid like you all day."
The teenager says, "Well officer, I got here as quick as I could."
A 10 year old girl opens her mother's purse, and finds her driver's license
Later, the girl says to her mom, "I know how old you are." The mom asks, "How old am I?" The girl says, "You're 34." The mom says, "You're right!"
The girl then says, "I know how much you weigh." The mom asks her how much, and the girl says, "135 pounds." The mom is a little puzzled, but says, "You're right on that, too."
Finally, the young girl says, "I know why daddy divorced you."
The mother freaks out, and asks, "Why is that?!?!?!"
The girl says, "Because you got an 'F' in Sex."
The Polish eye exam.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters
~~'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'~~ 'C Z W I K S N O S T A C Z'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
NY Driver's license.
A recently arrived Polish immigrant is taking eye test to get a driver's license in New York. The examiner shows him a card with the following letters:
C Z A J K O K I W S
The examiner asks - Can you read this?
The Polish replies - Read??! I know this guy!!
A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver
A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driving her car. The blonde cop says "You were going pretty fast back there. Can I see your license?"
The blonde driver looks confused.
The blonde cop says "Its a little square thing with your picture on it"
The blonde driver reaches in her bag and hands the cop her makeup mirror.
The cop takes the mirror, looks at it and exclaims "Well why didn't you tell me you were a cop? On you go. Have a great day".
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Drivers License?
Because she got an F in sex.
A story about a Redneck and a Game Warden.
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it's fish.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man.
I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
I said Jesus take the wheel.
He said I no have license, amigo.
Why was the blonde nymphomaniac sad after she got her driver's license?
She got an F in sex.
An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
A blonde is pulled over by a police officer...
"May I see your License Ma'am?"
"You know you cops really need to get your act together... One day your buddy takes my license away, and the next you ask for it"
You can explore license registration reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean license drivers license dad jokes. There are also license puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver...
"Are you aware of what you were doing?" The officer asks.
"Speeding?" "Yes, now show me your license and registration please." The driver with a puzzled look asked "What is that?" "The thing with your face on it." So the blonde driver looks through her purse and finds an eyeshadow palette with a mirror attached and shows it to the officer. "Oh, it's okay, you're a police officer."
A blonde is speeding down the highway...
When a female officer, another blonde, spots her and pulls her over. She asks the driver for her license...
Blonde driver says, "What's that?"
Blonde Officer : "Its a square with your face on it."
The blonde driver ruffles through her bag and after a few seconds produces a square make-up mirror and hands it to the blonde officer. The officer looks into the mirror and says to the driver, "Why didn't you tell me you were a cop? I woulda let you go!"
THE STAGES OF SUCCESS
At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is...having friends.
At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is...having sex.
At age 35 success is...having money.
At age 50 success is...having money.
At age 60 success is...having sex.
At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is...having friends.
At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants
Life hack for driving
Always get your driver's license picture taken when your stoned. That way, the police will think you always look that way.
I got a new tag on my car
On the front of my car, there's a license plate that says "Dodge."
That's not the manufacturer, it's a suggestion.
Why were the melons upset when they were denied a marriage license?
Because it means they *cantaloupe*
A police officer stops a driver...
A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy's driver license and says, "This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive."
The guy replies, "I have contacts".
The cops says, "I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses"
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
What's your name?
A cop pulls a guy over and asks for his license and registration.
The driver responds, "I don't have a license or registration, Officer."
"Tell me your name then," the cop demands.
"Mr. Kret," the driver says.
"TELL ME YOUR FULL NAME," the officer barks, sufficiently irritated.
The driver smiles..."Itza C. Kret."
A man gets pulled over by a cop...
And he takes the man's driver's license. He reads it and looks back at the driver.
"It says here that you need corrective lenses", the cop said. "Where are your glasses?"
The man replies, "But officer, I have contacts."
The cop glares at him. "I don't care who you know."
My drivers license says I'm an organ donor,
but jokes on them because I own a piano.
A drunk guy calls a radio station...
...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."
A teenager got his driver's license...
...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car.
The father said, "If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car."
One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, "Son, I'm proud of you. You have brought your grades up and studied the Bible every day. But you still haven't gotten a haircut!"
His son said, "Dad, in my studying of the Bible, I found that many great people had long hair. Samson had long hair. Moses, Noah, and John the Baptist had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair."
His father said, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"
A driver gets pulled over . . .
A man gets pulled over for rolling through a stop sign. While the officer is doing the routine license check, he spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
The cop tells the driver, "I'll let you off this time, but you need to take those penguins straight to the zoo." The driver was happy to get off with just a warning, so he agrees.
The next day, the officer sees the same car in another part of town, with some penguins peeking out the back windows.
He pulls over the driver again. "Hey, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo just yesterday!"
"Your sure did," says the driver, "and what a great idea that was. We had so much fun that today I'm taking them to the beach!"
A blonde woman was speeding
down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
Today i realised why my Dad divorced my mom
I saw her driving license. she has an F in sex
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish...
and he'll be fined for fishing without a license.
My uncle always believed that "Between duct tape and WD-40 you can fix just about anything."
I still can't believe it took seven years before he lost his medical license.
A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist...
A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.
The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."
The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.
She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."
To most religious people, the holy books are like a software license.
Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree"
Polish immigrant
A newly-arrived Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license.
He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters:
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.
Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy."
There is a sign in my town that reads "DRIVE SLOW AUTISTIC CHILD"
First of all, he has a name.
Secondly, if he has his license he should know good and well how to drive and there is no need to single him out like that.
Another blonde joke...
A blonde was speeding on a highway when a policeman pulled her over.
The policeman walks up to the blonde and say "excuse me ma'am can I see your driving license and registration."
The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took my license away and then today you expect me to show it to you."
A woman goes to the pharmacy and asks for cyanide.
The pharmacist looked stunned and couldn't believe what she had asked for but he was still curious.
"Why would you want to get cyanide?"
The women replied, "My husband has been having an affair and I want to poison him."
The pharmacist tried to reason with the woman, " I can't do this for you. I would lose my license and you and I would go to prison for this."
Then the woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband and a woman going into a motel. Upon closer inspection the woman in the picture was the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looks at the woman and says, "Why didn't you just say you had a prescription?"
An officer pulls over a speeding blonde woman
After she rolls down her window, he asks her to take out her license.
She angrily exclaims "Yesterday you guys took away my license and now you expect me to have it on me?"
Blonde gets caught speeding.
The cop is also a blonde.
Cop: Let me see your driver's license.
Driver: What's that?
Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.
Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.
Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.
(
A blonde girl gets pulled over by a blonde police officer for speeding...
The Police officer asks for a drivers license & the blonde starts going through her bag looking for it.
She's getting increasingly frustrated as she looks for the drivers license & asks the police officer for assistance.
The blonde asks: "I'm having trouble finding it... Can you please tell me what it is suppose to look like?"
The officer responds: "Sure, it's just a square that has your picture on it."
After a bit more rustling through her bag, she pulls out a square mirror and hands it to the police officer.
The police officer looks at the mirror and says: "Oh, I'm so sorry... I didn't realise you were a police officer! You can go"
I told two twins their matching outfits are cute...
"Did your mom buy you matching clothes?" I asked politely.
To which they answered, "We're not twins and could we see your license and registration please."
Did you hear about the guy whose license said he needed to wear glasses while driving?
He was pulled over by a cop one day and the cop tells him that he's going to jail for driving without his glasses.
"But officer I have contacts!"
"I don't care who you know buddy you're still going to jail!"
A blonde gets pulled over for speeding.
Cop: "You were speeding, can I see your license?"
Blonde: "Of course not!"
Cop: "Why is that?"
Blonde: "You just took it away from me yesterday, and now you expect me to show it to you!"
A cop stoped a guy for speeding
"license and registration," he asked. After handing them over, the cop reviews his license, looks at his face, and says, "it says here you need glasses". The guy politely protested, "officer, I have contacts". The cop shot back, "I don't care whom you know; you still have to wear your glasses".
A Welsh guy was getting his driver's license.
He had to take a vision test, so they showed him a line of letters that said: B W N S T R Y D D W L L
They asked, "Can you read the letters?" The man replied, "Are you kidding? I'm *from* that town!"
My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?"
I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"
A 7 year old girl
A 7 year old girl was looking at her mother's driving license card. It was written " SEX: F", she then started laughing until the mother asked why she was laughing. The girl said " I can't believe you are so bad at sex that you got an F. Now i understand why daddy is always with the maid.
If I photoshopped a medical license
Would that be a doctored image?
Had my medical license revoked today.
Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.
12 years wasted as a veterinarian.
I let the autistic kid have my seat on the bus.
And that, is how I lost my job _and_ my license.
A pickpocket is a victim of a motorcycle hit-and-run.
A police officer comes to his aid.
"Do you remember his license plate?" he asks.
"No" says the pickpocket weakly, "but here's his wallet."
A blonde gets pulled over by a blonde cop
Blonde cop: May I see your driving license?
Blonde driver: Driving license? What's that?
Blonde cop: The thing with your face on it
Blonde driver: Alright
Blonde driver: Reaches in her handbag and hands over her makeup mirror to the cop
Blonde Cop: Sorry, we didn't know you were a police woman as well. Carry on!
A German was pulled over by police in France.
The French police officer takes the German man's license, and then asks for the German's name.
"Heinrich Klimt" the German responds.
"Age?" Asks the officer. "31" the German responds.
"Occupation?" The police officer asks.
"No, no" the German replies, "Just visiting".
The police officer inspected my drivers license carefully.
"Driver, I see you have a class 3 license that requires you to wear glasses whilst driving. I can't help but notice you are not wearing glasses."
"I've got contacts," I explained.
"I don't care who you know, driver," declared the officer. "You're under arrest."
:-P
My wife's car got stolen while she was out the other day.
I said , Were you able to see what the guy looked like?
She replied, No, but I got the license plate number!
A blonde gets pulled over for speeding
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The officer replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the officer. "Here it is," she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Yo mamma's so fat...
She had to get her drivers license photo from Google earth!
A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde
The police officer asks the blonde, "Can I see you license and registration, please?". The blonde then asked, "What is that?", the police officer says, "That thing with your face on it", the blonde then pulls a mirror out of her purse, and hands it to the police officer. The police officer then says, "Oh, my bad, if I knew you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over."
A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver
The cop tells the driver "License please."
"What is a license?" the driver answers.
The cop replies "it goes in your wallet, has a picture of you on it..."
As the blonde driver digs through her purse, after a while she pulls an object out, looks at it for a second, smiles, says "Found it! Here you go officer!" and hands a mirror to the cop.
The cop takes off her aviators, looks in the mirror, rolls her eyes, and hands it back to the driver.
"If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over!"
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.
In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"
Police officer: Sir, I'm going to need to see your driver's license.
Driver: You guys got a lot of nerve.
Police officer: Excuse me?
Driver: One day you take my license away and the next day you ask me to show it?
Valentines special! $500.00
We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.
A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.
Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.
The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.
Officer: What is your age?
Tourist: 31 years old.
Officer: Occupation?
Tourist: No, just visiting.
A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver
"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"
The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".
His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."
Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't going to go far with a stolen car..."
A voice comes out of the trunk "Did we pass the border yet ?"
Joke translated to English from German
A blonde is driving home when she gets pulled over by a police officer.
"Mam, may i see you driving license?!"
"What's a driving license? "
"You know this thing in your purse with your face on..."
She starts digging through her purse, finds her cosmetic mirror, and hands it over to the policeman.
The policeman takes a look at the mirror and responds-
"Should have told me right away your a police officer too "
I drove my friends to the pub without a license.
If I'm honest, I don't know how they're still open.
At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...
At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having sex.
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.
A thief took my Microsoft Office license key
I'll come and get you thief! You have my Word
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.
The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop…
When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth:
"I did it for the car, ma!"
A state trooper is sitting at the end of a tunnel and pulls over a motorist for speeding.
License and registration the officer says.
No problem replies the motorist.
What are you doing out so late sir? the officer asks.
Just had a late night at work he replies.
Really? What do you do for work? the officer says.
Well...I'm an asshole stretcher he says.
An asshole stretcher?
Yeah, I take assholes and stretch them as far as you want, up to 6 feet
What would anyone do with a six foot asshole?! The office exclaims.
Well, the state gives them a car and puts one at the end of a tunnel!
I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts...
They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.
Blonde vs Traffic cop who will win?
Traffic cop stops a blonde that sped by him. He asked her for her license, and she replied by asking: "What is a license?" He explained that a license is a square thing with your face of it. The blone ruffles around in her purse for a while, pulls out a small mirror and gives it to the traffic cop. He looked at it and said: "Oh! I see you're a traffic cop too, you're free to go."
I got arrested for fishing without a license at a dubstep festival.
The arresting officer yelled "drop the bass!"
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license.
.
The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it."
"Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over.
The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
LPT: NEVER hang your drivers license from your rearview mirror!
You risk being pulled over for driving with a suspended license.
Are you Blonde?
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
I've heard it said men have been in charge and called the shots throughout history. So explain this to me:
Why do you need a new fishing license every year while your marriage license never expires?
The last time I went through a TSA checkpoint at an airport I was wearing my contact lenses.
The TSA guy looked at my driver's license, looked at me, and looked at his my driver's license again. He started to turn to get his supervisor. I said "if you want, I'll put my glasses on, I have them with me." He looked bewildered, but he cleared me through all by himself.
Now I understand the whole Superman / Clark Kent thing.
A cop pulls over a car swerving all over the road
After the cop tells the driver why he stopped him and asks for his license and registration, he notices an open, half-empty bottle sitting on the floor.
Cop: Sir, what is that bottle between your feet?
Driver (burping): Uh, it's a bottle of water officer.
Cop: I can see from here that it's a bottle of red wine.
Driver (shocked): Oh my god, it is? Praise Jesus and his miracles!
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
After filing out his paperwork he had to take an eye exam. The clerk showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
"Can you read this?" the clerk asked.
"Read it?" the Polish man replied. "He's my uncle."
A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and begins to cry
The bar tender takes notice and asks "hey, what's wrong"
"I've been caught sleeping with my patients, I'm going to loose my license."
"You're crying because of that? My cousin sleeps with his patients all the time, you have nothing to fear."
"Oh yeah? Is your cousin a veterinarian?"
A blonde driver and a blonde cop....
A blonde woman is speeding down the highway and gets pulled over by a blonde cop, the cop goes up to the blonde's window and says "I need to see your license ma'am." The driver says she doesn't know what that is and the lady officer says "It's that little thing in your purse with your face in it." The driver pulls out her compact mirror and holds it up to the cop, "You mean this?" The blonde cop looks at the mirror and says, "I'm so sorry ma'am, I didn't know you were a cop, have a nice day."
License
An immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card with the letters, "C-Z-W-I-X-N-O-S-T-A-C-Z." "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the guy replied, "I know the guy."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the license passport jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working license policewoman piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.