Licence Jokes
45 licence jokes and hilarious licence puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about licence that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for some fun and entertaining jokes about licences? Look no further! This article brings you some of the funniest licence plate, driver's licence and TV licence jokes around. Find out why your car registration is like a cruise ship, or why an interstate licence is like a butterfly. Laugh out loud with these hilarious licence jokes!
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Funniest Licence Short Jokes
Short licence jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The licence humour may include short license jokes also.
- If you refuse to pay your TV licence in England, you can be sent to prison… Where, ironically, you'll get plenty of BBC…
- Why is this fair? A guy in my class asked out a girl and he got a girlfriend. So I asked out a girl and lost my teachers licence. -\_-
- What do you call someone who gets their driver's licence as soon as they can? Someone who's driven.
- The cow goes 'moo.' The horse goes 'neigh'. The pig goes Can I see your licence and registration?
- Saw a licence plate today that said "LUVSHOES" Couldn't decide if they love fashionable footware or easy women..
- When you grow up poor like I did, it's not unusual to be in your twenties without a vehicle or licence... You just sort of learn to run with it.
- Today my friend told me he likes justin bieber. He got hit by a bus. Now i lost my bus licence.
- probably the most embarrassing moment of my life was when i soiled myself at grade school in front of the entire class i lost my teaching licence that day
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Licence One Liners
Which licence one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with licence? I can suggest the ones about copyright and loan.
- What kind of driver doesn't need a licence? A screwdriver
- I once woke up in the middle of an operation. It nearly cost me my medical licence.
- My local off-licence has started hosting a book club. First up is Tequila Mockingbird.
- What is the most dangerous animal? A T- Rex...
He's licenced to carry small arms. - Guns need a licence to bear Chuck Norris.
- My dad left me 2 weeks ago Ahh nevermind, he was just getting his car licenced
- Why did the beekeeper need a licence? To drive on the hiveway
- Caitlyn Jenner's licence plate UCIM2FMN8
- What did the pig say to the drunk man? Licence and registration please.
- Why did h**... lose his drivers licence? He was too hard on the gas
- Electric cars **Do you need a current licence to drive an electric car?**
- How do you know James bond is british? He needs a licence to kill.
Fun-Filled Licence Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about licence you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean permit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make licence pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A police officer pulls a man over
"Licence and registration!" - the police officer says.
"Certainly, officer!", replies the civilian.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?", asks the officer.
The civilian replies: "I assume you are collecting donations for the policemans' ball."
"Sir, the police doesn't have b**....", the officer says.
There is a moment of silence, and then the officer just hands the civilian his documentation, goes back to his car and drives away.
A woman staying in a hotel was taking a shower after a long days work when she heard a knock on her door.
She went to the door, looked through the door-hole and saw it was her friend Steve. She wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.
"I finally got my racing licence!" exclaimed Steve.
"Good for you." the woman said, and closed the door, left the towel by the door and got back in the shower. A second knock came, and she saw it was John, another friend of hers. Again she wrapped the towel around her and opened the door.
"I won the lottery!" John said, and the woman congratulated him and went back to her shower. for the third time, a knock on the door came. she looked through the peephole and saw it was Tom, her blind friend. she didn't bother putting on a towel.
"What is it Tom?! This is the third time I have been interrupted while showering!"
Tom gleefully replied:
"I can see!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife got into a car c**...
The Cops suspended her licence, and slapped her with a fine. She tried to argue that the guy was drinking and speaking on the phone. The Cops didn't care, they said he has a full right to do what he wants on his own front porch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
First day driving on your own
It's a joung guy's first ever drive on his own after getting his licence.
He is driving on the motorway when his Mum calls him and say:"honey be careful, I heard on the radio that an idiot is driving on the wrong side of the road!", and he replies:" are you sure it's just one idiot, becose it looks like everyone is"
A man gets pulled over in Newfoundland
The cop looks at his licence, looks at the man, looks at the licence again and looks at the man once more.
Cop - sir, you need to be wearing glasses!
Man - I have contacts.
Cop - sir, I don't care who you know, you need to be wearing glasses!
Man pulls over to the side of the road next to two guys
Man: Awwww, look at this ! How cute are you !
Guy: Sir...
Man: You are so cute ! Are you twins??
Guy: Sir, I...
Man:Your mom even got the same clothes for both of you, you must be twins !
Guy: Sir, turn off the engine, and give me your licence and registration.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I remember when I got my first drivers licence...
Poor Jim Halenburg, age- 32, and s**...- Male. He never got his wallet back.
So I was reading licence plates...
The first car was from Minnesota, had 6 numbers, and at the bottom said "10,000 Lakes". I thought to myself "They must put the State Slogan there." The next car was from Arkansas, had 6 numbers, and at the bottom, it read "Disabled"
Murphy's Car Is Stolen
Murphy's wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off. Naturally she reported the matter to the police.' What did he look like?, the sergeant asked. 'I don't know she replied, but I got the licence plate'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Muslim, a Hindu and a m**... walk into a bar
The bartender says, "Ah the people you run into when you lose your liquor licence."
I need advice.
My wife and I were walking back to our car thru the Wal-Mart parking lot and I saw a wallet laying on the ground.
In it was the usual stuff, business cards, drivers licence, credit cards and $200.00.
I know that if you find a wallet or purse with a something in it with an address on it,
you can drop it in any public mail box and they will deliver it to the person that lost it, which intend to do.
my dilemma is about the $200.00.
Do I tell my wife about it or keep it all to myself?
A car
A police officer stopped a car on the highway and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said: "You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?" The man thought, and said back: "Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!" His wife told the cop: "Don't listen to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk".
All of this talking made a passenger in the back of the car wake up, and he blurted out: "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. Why didn't you change the number plate?" A knock emerged from the trunk of the car, and the person in the trunk said: "Are we at the border yet?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl ask her mom how much she weighs
The mom replies, "That is not a question you ask other people." As the girl is walking to school her friend recommends looking at her mom's drivers licence because it has all her mom's information. The girl then proceeds to look at her mom's drivers license and then reproaches her mom and says "you weigh 135lbs! And you are also 5' 6" tall." The mom replies "you're correct" the girl continues to say "I also know why daddy broke up with you!" The shocked mother then inquires how the little girl knows. The little girl says "Because you got an F in s**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police officer
A police officer stops a speeding car and approaches the driver
Police: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Driver:" Nope"
Police: "Can I see your Licence?"
Driver: "Sorry officer, it has expired"
*The officer raises an eyebrow*
Officer: "Can I see your Registration"
Driver: "You don't want to do that, this car is actually stolen"
* The officer begins to tense*
Officer: "Open up your trunk!"
Driver: "you definitely don't want to do that, there is a dead h**... in there"
The police officer calls back up. 5 policemen approach and search the car. They find no dead h**..., the car isn't stolen and the licence isn't expired.
One of the officers approaches the driver and says: "Sorry sir, there seemed to be a mistake. One of the officers said that you stole a car with an expired licence and killed a h**...."
Driver: "Yeah, I bet he told you I was speeding too"
A blonde was driving a bit too fast, and was pulled over by a female blonde cop
A blonde was driving a bit too fast, and was pulled over by a female
blonde cop.
The cop asked the woman for her driving licence. The blonde driver
fumbled through her overstuffed handbag but just couldn't find her
licence. The cop said, "C'mon ma`am, it can't be that hard to find. It's rectangular and has your picture on it."
The blonde driver continued rifling through the handbag and found
the only rectangular object in it: a small mirror. She looked in it, saw herself, shrugged, and handed it the cop.
The blonde cop took one look and said, "Why didn't you tell me
you're a cop? Have a nice day."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandmother's p**...
My grandmother got pulled over for speeding. She rolled down her window and talked to the cop. He asked for her registration, and she said,
"Sure, i'll give it to you, but i want to warn you, I've got a Colt 45 in the glovebox."
As he reviewed her licence and reg, the cop asked her about any other weapons she had.
She admitted she had 2 other revolvers- one under her seat and one in her purse.
"3 pistols in your car!" said the cop, "What are you so afraid of?"
She said, "I am not afraid of anything!"
(did i read this here?)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
London Lawyer v Glasgow Cop
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and Registration, Please.
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
/end
This isn't actually i**... in Scotland (beating lawyers, not failing to come to a stop :P ), but the joke is still funny
