Library Jokes

What are some Library jokes?

A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

In breaking news, Trump's personal library has burned down

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished coloring the second one

I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.

She whispered: "They're right behind you."

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

I work in a library and a black guy asked me if there are any coloured printers...

I said, "Dude, it's 2016 you can use any printer you want."

I got kicked out of the library today...

Apparently putting the feminism books in the sci-fi section was not acceptable.

Have a turkish joke

A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"

A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat

The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

a man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide.........

Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?

A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

So I was at the Library today

.. And a black Gentleman came over to me and asked where the coloured printer was. I replied "Man its 2016 you can use any printer!"

A man walks into a library

and asks the librarian at the info desk if they have any books on Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat. The librarian thinks for a moment before replying "It rings a bell but I'm not sure whether it's there or not."

I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny penises...

The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet."

I said, "Yes, that's the one."

I was in the library the other day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were?

I replied, "Dude, it's 2018, you can use whatever printer you want."

I was sitting in the library...

I was sitting in the library when a black guy came up to me, asking "Where are the colored printers?" I said "Dude... it's 2014, you can use whichever printer you want"

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor...

A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"

"Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."

"Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at, jackass?"

I got fired from my job at the library...

Apparently the book on women's rights doesn't belong in the fiction section.

A man walks into a library...

A man walks into a library and says "Excuse me, miss, but do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian goes to the computer, types a few things in, and says "I don't think it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one..."

A man walks into a library...

And he asks "Excuse me, is The Big Book of Turtles in?"

"Hard back?"

"Yeah, with little heads"

A blonde walks into a library (*not the whole joke)

She says to the librarian "Hiiii, I'd like a cheeseburger, some fries, and a coke."
The librarian says, "Lady, this is a library!"
Embarrassed, the blonde apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a cheeseburger, some fries, and a coke."

I went to the library. I said,"Can I borrow a book about suicide?"

The guy said,"We did have one, but we never got it back."

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.

The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."

The Dictionary responds "You don't even know the meaning of the word."

The Thesaurus then says "But I know what it's like."

A blonde woman walks into a library

A blonde woman walks into a library and talks to the lady at the front desk and says " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

The lady replies "Ma'am, this is a library."

The blonde looks around, then whispers " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

(Credit goes to my dad for this one. He had another one that I can't remember but once I do I'm coming back to post it)

A drunk walks into a library...

He goes up to the desk and slurs: I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake.

The librarian replies: Sir, this is a library!

***whispers*** Sorry, I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.

The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

I asked my friend about his time in prison.

"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."

I was standing in a library

And a black dude walks up to me and asked if i knew where the colored printer was. I told him "dude, it's almost 2018, use any printer you want."

A black kid asked me if there was a colored printer in the library...

A guy says to a librarian "I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"

The librarian says "I'm sorry sir but this is a library".

The guy says *whispering* "Oh, sorry, I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library."

The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?"

A blonde goes into a library.

She walks up to the head librarian's desk and says, "Hi! I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries, and a medium-sized Coke, please."

The librarian stares at her. "Miss, do you realize that this is a library?"

"Oh!" says the blonde. She lowers her voice to a whisper. "*I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries...*"

A man goes to the library and asks for a book

A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on small penises. After checking the computer, the librarian replies, "I don't think it's in yet." He looks at her and says, "Yeah that's the one."

I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.

She said "They're right behind you".

I walked in a Library...

I walked in a library and asked the librarian for a book about small penises. The librarian said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet".

I replied "Yeah, that's the one"

Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.

Because actions speak louder than words

An Englishman comes to Harvard.

Unable to find out the way to the library, he approaches an undergrad. The subsequent conversation is as follows-

Englishman: Excuse me. Could you kindly enlighten me where the library is at?

Undergrad: It's Harvard. People don't end sentences with a preposition here.

Englishman: Oh, I see. Could you kindly enlighten me where the library is at,Β asshole?

I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.

A frenchman walks into a library

And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."

My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library.

I said it's for shelf-defense.

A blonde walks into a library..

she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"

*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."

A Blonde Walks into a Library

A blonde walks into a library and slams a book on the desk.

She says, "This is the worst book I've ever read!! There's no plot and it has way too many characters!!"

The librarian says, "So that's what happened to our phonebook."

I walked into a library.

I said, "Have you got any books on..."

"Telepathy?"

"Yes."

I just got a new job at a prison library.

It has its prose and cons.

A man walks into a library and orders fish and chips.

The librarian says, "this is a library."

The man, says, "oh. Sorry." (Then in a whisper) "I'd like some fish and chips."

So, tonight at the library I asked the librarian if they had any books on turtles

"Hardback?" she inquired. "Yes" I said. "and little heads."

Why does the library have so many floors?

CAUSE IT'S FULL OF STORIES!!!








I'm so sorry

Sean Connery was in his private library.

He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".

i had it all

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.Β 


He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed.


I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym and the library.


"I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.


I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?


"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was granted parole."

I got kicked out of the library today

I got kicked out of the library for putting the women's rights book in the fiction section

Man walks into a library and orders an incredibly hot curry.

"This is a library", says the librarian

"Oh, sorry", replies the man

"*I'd like to order an incredibly hot curry please*", he whispers

A drunk walks into a library

Walks to the clerk and says "barkeep get me 2 beers and a shot!" The clerk replies "sir this is a library" the drunk leans close and whispers "bartender get me 2 beers and a shot"

Did you hear there was a fire in George Bushes personal library?

It was awful! Most of his books hadn't even been colored in yet.

A German goes into a library and asks if he can borrow a book on war.

The librarian says, 'No, you've already lost it twice, you'll only lose it again!'

I went into the library and asked for a book on turtles.

the lady said, "hardback?"

I replied, "yes, with little wrinkled heads"

A man walks into a library...

... then walks up to the lady behind the counter and says: 1 Fish and chips please.

The lady says: Sir, this is a library!

The man says "Sorry" and proceeds to whisper: *1 Fish and Chips please.*

A man goes into the library...

Man: "Do you have the book about small penises?"
Librarian: "It's not in yet."
Man: "Yeah, that's the one."

A man goes to the library

Man : do you have the new book on small penises?

Women : sorry, I don't think it's in yet.

Man : yeah, that's the one!

I couldn't get a place at the local library

...........they were completely booked

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"

Library suicide

A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says "Yeh, I think we do, it should be at the back row on the top shelf".
The man goes and looks, even climbs a ladder to look at the top but still can't find it.
"Still no luck" says the man.
The librarian replies "Oh, the last person who borrowed it mustn't have brought it back"

A man walks into a library...

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Hello, I'd like a hamburger please."

The librarian says, "Sir, this is a library."

The man apologizes, then whispers ^"I'd ^like ^a ^hamburger ^please."

So a girl walks into a library...

...and asks the librarian,"Can I have a cheeseburger and fries?"
The librarian says,"This is a library..."
"Sorry,"The girl whispers,"can I have a cheeseburger and fries?"

A Day in the Library

A guy is looking for a place to sit in the crowded library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."

Psychology vs Law

A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy,
He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table,
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The GUY then responded in a loud voice:
"Rs.5000/- FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:
"I study law and I know how to screw people."

A blonde goes into a library and, speaking clearly and loudly, orders a burger, fries and a milkshake.

The librarian rolls his eyes and says, exasperated, "This is a library, ma'am."
So the blonde leans in and whispers, "Sorry. I'll have a burger, fries, and a milkshake."

Where does Sean Connery keep his guns?

In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.

BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground...

Both books were completely destroyed.
The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on cliffhangers...

The librarian says;

A blonde girl walks into a library and loudly exclaims, "I'll have a cheeseburger with fries"

The librarian stares at her questioningly and says, "Madam, this is a library."

The blonde turns red with embarrassment and apologizes.

She leans in and whispers, "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries."

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice: $1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty.

The Librarian

What time does the library open? the man on the phone asked.

Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.

9 am, came the reply. And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?

Not until 9 am? the man asked in a disappointed voice.
The librarian began to get angry.

No, not until 9 am, said the librarian. Why do you want to get in before 9 am?

Who said I wanted to get in? the man sighed sadly. I want to get o

A man walks into a library.

Man: Fish and chips, please.

Librarian: Sir, this is a library.

Man: \*whispers\* *Sorry. Fish and chips, please.*

A man walks into a library

He asks the librarian "Excuse me, have you got the new book on small penises please?"

"I'm sorry, I don't think it's in yet"

"yes that's the one"

A BLONDE'S THEFT

A blonde goes to the library to get a book. A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."
The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"

Facebook

So I was in a public library and saw a homeless man I had seen around town on facebook.
It got pretty depressing because the page wouldn't load every time he tried to click 'home'...

How to make Library jokes?

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