Library Jokes
132 library jokes and hilarious library puns to laugh out loud. Read places jokes about library that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article contains a collection of library jokes perfect for students, librarians, and book lovers alike. From library card puns to Harvard jokes, and even shelf-related humor, it's sure to make you laugh no matter the occasion - be it Halloween, April Fools, or even Christmas! Ready to get your lol-on? Read on for some of the best library jokes around.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Library Short Jokes
Short library jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The library humour may include short librarian jokes also.
- A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".
- Breaking News Trump's personal library just burned down The fire consumed both books and he hasn't even finished coloring the second one
- I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered: "They're right behind you."
- Some friends wanted to get married at the public library, but they couldn't... Because it was booked.
\-My pop - I got kicked out of the library today... Apparently putting the feminism books in the sci-fi section was not acceptable.
- Have a turkish joke A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"
- A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?" The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."
- A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles. The librarian asks "hard back?"
The guy replies "yeah little heads too." - Boss: Why do you- Me: *sshhh*
Boss: What is your biggest wea-
Me: *sshhh*
Boss: (whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library. - I got fired from my job at the library... Apparently the book on women's rights doesn't belong in the fiction section.
Share These Library Jokes With Friends
Library One Liners
Which library one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with library? I can suggest the ones about books and licence.
- A black kid asked me if there was a colored printer in the library...
- My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library. I said it's for shelf-defense.
- I walked into a library. I said, "Have you got any books on..."
"Telepathy?"
"Yes." - I just got a new job at a prison library. It has its prose and cons.
- Why did the clock get kicked out of the library? It tocked too much.
- What kind of building is the tallest? Libraries, because they have the most stories!
- I couldn't get a place at the local library ...........they were completely booked
- A man goes into a library and asks for a book on cliffhangers... The librarian says;
- Why are libraries so strict? Because they have to go by the book.
- What building has the most stories? A Library!
- What do you call a dog in the library? A hush puppy.
- I tried to schedule an appointment at the library. They were overbooked.
- I was reminiscing at my old school's library... looking back at my shelf.
- What's small, very limited, and rarely expands? The Xbox one's exclusives library.
- What is the definition of a Barbarian? It's someone who cuts hair in a library.
Library Books Jokes
Here is a list of funny library books jokes and even better library books puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present They're due back at the library today.
- I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books. I should probably get that checked out.
- A frenchman walks into a library And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."
- I went to the library today and asked where I could find books on greases, oils and lubricants. The librarian suggested I try the non-friction section.
- I think it's smart for Texans to remove books from libraries... They're going to need more fuel for the fires after the Power Grid fails again
- I got kicked out of the library today I got kicked out of the library for putting the women's rights book in the fiction section
- Did you hear there was a fire in George Bushes personal library? It was awful! Most of his books hadn't even been colored in yet.
- A German goes into a library and asks if he can borrow a book on war. The librarian says, 'No, you've already lost it twice, you'll only lose it again!'
- I called the library to try to make a reservation... But they said they were fully booked.
- I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said. "Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"
Library Card Jokes
Here is a list of funny library card jokes and even better library card puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why can't accountants get library cards? They're book-keepers.
- I went to court today because i took a piece of literature from the library without my card They threw the book at me.
Library Congress Jokes
Here is a list of funny library congress jokes and even better library congress puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do congress and an old library book have in common? Bent over pages
- Chuck Norris one checked the Library of Congress for typos during his lunch hour.
- Chuck Norris can check out books from the Library of Congress.
Library Christmas Jokes
Here is a list of funny library christmas jokes and even better library christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Christmas in the Library What is the librarians favorite Christmas song?
Silent Night
Hilarious Fun Library Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about library you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean toolbox jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make library pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked for a book on s**... in the library...
There weren't any, no one ever returned them.
So I was in a public library and saw a homeless man I had seen around town on facebook.
It got pretty depressing because the page wouldn't load every time he tried to click 'home'...
Library joke
Why are librarians so lonely?
They're always by them shelves
Just wanted to see if that library joke checked out
Sorry for all the library jokes, I'll put them on hold
A guy walks into a library...
and says to the librarian, "I'll take a hamburger and fries."
The librarian looks at him and says, "This is a library, you idiot."
The man says, "Oh sorry!" and whispers, "I'll take a hamburger and fries."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A visitor to Harvard asks a professor...
A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"
"Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."
"Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at, j**...?"
A drunk walks into a library
Walks to the clerk and says "barkeep get me 2 beers and a shot!" The clerk replies "sir this is a library" the drunk leans close and whispers "bartender get me 2 beers and a shot"
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
I almost bought a huge library out of old computer programming books...
...but the ascii price was way too high.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Day in the Library
A guy is looking for a place to sit in the crowded library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."
So I was in the library the other day...
My black friend comes over and ask me where the color printers were at. I looked up and said "it's 2015 man you can use whatever printer you want".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the library. I said,"Can I borrow a book about s**...?"
The guy said,"We did have one, but we never got it back."
I asked my friend about his time in prison.
"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."
Psychology vs Law
A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy,
He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table,
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The GUY then responded in a loud voice:
"Rs.5000/- FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:
"I study law and I know how to screw people."
Sean Connery was in his private library.
He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".
A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice: $1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hey girl, are you an overdue library book?
Cuz I'm gonna stuff you in the back of my car then forget about you
A guy walks in a library:
- Do you have motivational books here?
- Yes darling, right there, 3rd row, the second shelf.
- Do you have any books closer?"
Where does Sean Connery keep his guns?
In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.
A guy says to a librarian "I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"
The librarian says "I'm sorry sir but this is a library".
The guy says *whispering* "Oh, sorry, I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"
BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground...
Both books were completely destroyed.
The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.
This girl winked at me and said she wanted to go somewhere quiet.
So I took her to the library.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book about autofellatio
"Well," says the librarian "We actually do have a book on that subject. It's that one over there, with the broken spine."
A Blonde Walks into a Library
A blonde walks into a library and slams a book on the desk.
She says, "This is the worst book I've ever read!! There's no plot and it has way too many characters!!"
The librarian says, "So that's what happened to our phonebook."
A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...
A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.
The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."
The Dictionary responds "You don't even know the meaning of the word."
The Thesaurus then says "But I know what it's like."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a man goes to a library and asks for a book on s**............
Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?
Just saw a poor girl crying in the library, devastated about something.
So I pulled up a chair, leaned in and said "You can shut up or go outside, I've got an exam tomorrow".
"What time does the library open?" The man on the phone asks.
"Nine AM," came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine AM?" The man said in a disappointed voice.
"No not till nine!" The librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine?"
"Who said I wanted to get in? I want to get out."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Japanese man goes into a library and asks for a book on s**....
The librarian replies "Get out of here, you won't bring it back"
Which is the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has many stories.
Okay, I'll show myself out.
You wanna know why I got kicked out of the library?
I moved all of the women's rights books to the fiction section.
I walked into a library.
"Have you got any books on single life?" I asked the librarian.
"Sorry," she said. "They're all taken."
Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.
Because actions speak louder than words
A blonde walks into a library (*not the whole joke)
She says to the librarian "Hiiii, I'd like a cheeseburger, some fries, and a coke."
The librarian says, "Lady, this is a library!"
Embarrassed, the blonde apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a cheeseburger, some fries, and a coke."
There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day he did his job without missing a beat. One day though, he didn't show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that...
Turns out he had become shelf aware.
Man walks into a library and orders an incredibly hot curry.
"This is a library", says the librarian
"Oh, sorry", replies the man
"*I'd like to order an incredibly hot curry please*", he whispers
A man walks into a library
And asks if there are any book's on poor eyesight
I haven't seen any, says the barman
A blonde walked into a library
Wait that's not the whole joke!
And she asked the librarian, Do you have pasta?
The librarian rolled her eyes and answered, Miss, this is library.
The blonde whisper, Do you have pasta?
I bought a dictionary from the library and realized someone had ripped out pages from the beginning.
They also ripped out pages from the end. It just went from bad to worse .
The Librarian
What time does the library open? the man on the phone asked.
Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.
9 am, came the reply. And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?
Not until 9 am? the man asked in a disappointed voice.
The librarian began to get angry.
No, not until 9 am, said the librarian. Why do you want to get in before 9 am?
Who said I wanted to get in? the man sighed sadly. I want to get o
A snake and a librarian in a library
\-Ssssssssss
\-Sssssssss
\-Sssssssssss
\-Ssssssssss
Turkish Political Humor
Current Turkish gallows humour: A prisoner goes to the prison library, asks for a specific book. The guard tells him, "we don't have that book... but we do have the author." From Moshik_Temkin on Twitter
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about s**....
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
I went to the library looking for a copy of the Kama sutra...
I couldn't find it. So I complained to the librarian.
They Replied "Ah that's cause it's in a different position every week"
Why does the library have so many floors?
CAUSE IT'S FULL OF STORIES!!!
I'm so sorry
Once upon a time a boy asked a girl in a library
Do you mind if I sit next to you the girl shouts I don't want to spend the night with you everyone starts staring at him the boy feeling embarrassed sits at another table. A minute later the walks up to him and says I study psychology you must feel embarrassed the boys shouts $300 dollars is to much for one night everyone starts starring the girl then the boy whispers I am a lawyer I know how to make someone guilty.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small p**...?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"
A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
The girl answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!!"
All the people in the library started staring at the boy and he was embarrassed.
After a few minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said to him," I study psychology and I know what man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy responded with a loud voice,"$300 for one night. That's too much!!"
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make someone guilty."
I caught a guy looking up children's skirts in the library.
I never even knew they had a section for that.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
What are you reading, old man? he asks.
I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.
I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.
How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to h**...? asks the KGB agent.
I already speak Russian."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University ...
A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University and found himself lost in the yard. He stopped a professor who was walking by and said to him, "Howdy Pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"
The professor couldn't believe his ears. "What did you say?" he said.
The Texan again said, "Howdy pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"
The professor became indignant, "You can't talk like that at Harvard University. I mean, you've ended your sentence with a preposition. Try to do better!"
The Texan shuffled for a second and said, "Well pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at...a**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A depressed man walks into a library
Depressed man: do you have any books on s**...?
Library staff: yes it's on the third shelf over there
Depressed man: walks to third shelf
Depressed man after a few minutes: I can't seem to find any.
Library staff: yep it's awful cause they never bring them back
A boy asked a girl in a library, Do you mind if I sit next to you?
The girl replied with a loud angry voice; I don't want to spend the night with you! All the people in the library started looking at the boy and felt embarrassed. After a few minutes the girl walked calmly to the boy's table and said: I study psychology and I known what the man is thinking, I guess you felt pretty embarrassed, huh? The boy replied loudly: $300 for one night? That's too much! And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the boy whispered in her ear, I study law I know how to make someone guilty
A woman walks into a library and asks for a book on childbirth.
The Librarian says "Try over there in the c section."
[Library] Me: I want to learn more about corals.
Librarian: You'll find them under C.
Me: I already know where they live, sir. I wanna learn more.
I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure…
So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.
The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
