Library Jokes
143 library jokes and hilarious library puns to laugh out loud. Read places jokes about library that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article contains a collection of library jokes perfect for students, librarians, and book lovers alike. From library card puns to Harvard jokes, and even shelf-related humor, it's sure to make you laugh no matter the occasion - be it Halloween, April Fools, or even Christmas! Ready to get your lol-on? Read on for some of the best library jokes around.
Quick Jump To
- Short Library Jokes
- Library One Liners
- Library Books Jokes
- Library Card Jokes
- Library Christmas Jokes
- Library Congress Jokes
- More Library Jokes
Funniest Library Short Jokes
Short library jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The library humour may include short librarian jokes also.
- A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".
- Breaking News Trump's personal library just burned down The fire consumed both books and he hasn't even finished coloring the second one
- I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered: "They're right behind you."
- A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were. I said, "Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want."
- I work in a library and a black guy asked me if there are any coloured printers... I said, "Dude, it's 2016 you can use any printer you want."
- Some friends wanted to get married at the public library, but they couldn't... Because it was booked.
\-My pop - I got kicked out of the library today... Apparently putting the feminism books in the sci-fi section was not acceptable.
- Have a turkish joke A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"
- A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?" The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."
- I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."
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Library One Liners
Which library one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with library? I can suggest the ones about books and licence.
- A black kid asked me if there was a colored printer in the library...
- My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library. I said it's for shelf-defense.
- I walked into a library. I said, "Have you got any books on..."
"Telepathy?"
"Yes." - I just got a new job at a prison library. It has its prose and cons.
- Why does Kim Jong Un have such a big library? Because he's Supreme Reader
- Why did the clock get kicked out of the library? It tocked too much.
- What kind of building is the tallest? Libraries, because they have the most stories!
- I couldn't get a place at the local library ...........they were completely booked
- A man goes into a library and asks for a book on cliffhangers... The librarian says;
- Why are libraries so strict? Because they have to go by the book.
- Couldn't get into the library the other day... ... it was fully booked.
- Why does Kim Jong-un have such a huge library? He is Supreme Reader
- What building has the most stories? A Library!
- What do you call a dog in the library? A hush puppy.
- I tried to schedule an appointment at the library. They were overbooked.
Library Books Jokes
Here is a list of funny library books jokes and even better library books puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles. The librarian asks "hard back?"
The guy replies "yeah little heads too." - I got fired from my job at the library... Apparently the book on women's rights doesn't belong in the fiction section.
- "A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat." "The librarian says, 'It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not!'"
- A man walks into a library and asks where he can find books on paranoia. The librarian whispers, "They're right behind you!"
- A man walks into a library... And he asks "Excuse me, is The Big Book of Turtles in?"
"Hard back?"
"Yeah, with little heads" - A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"
- A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat. The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
- To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present They're due back at the library today.
- I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were. She said "They're right behind you".
- I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books. I should probably get that checked out.
Library Card Jokes
Here is a list of funny library card jokes and even better library card puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- New York is a great city. Today I was at the library, & I asked the librarian for a library card. He told me I first had to prove I was from New York. So I stabbed him.
- Why can't accountants get library cards? They're book-keepers.
- I went to court today because i took a piece of literature from the library without my card They threw the book at me.
- Scientists recently discovered a fossil of a giant bespectacled dinosaur carrying a library card. They wasted no time naming its genus *thesaurus*
- Yo mamma so s**... when she went to the library to get an application for a library card they said: "I need your ID" she gave them an EBT card.
Library Christmas Jokes
Here is a list of funny library christmas jokes and even better library christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Friends, just a reminder to those who received a book from me at Christmas... They are due back in the library this Friday.
- To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas. They're due back in the library this Friday, cheers.
- If anybody received a book from me at Christmas They'll be due back at the library in the next few days.
- To everyone who received a book from me at Christmas... They're due back at the library in two weeks...
- Christmas in the Library What is the librarians favorite Christmas song?
Silent Night - for those who received a book from me this Christmas. They're due back at the library tomorrow.
Library Congress Jokes
Here is a list of funny library congress jokes and even better library congress puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do congress and an old library book have in common? Bent over pages
- Chuck Norris one checked the Library of Congress for typos during his lunch hour.
- Chuck Norris can check out books from the Library of Congress.
Hilarious Fun Library Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about library you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean toolbox jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make library pranks.
A frenchman walks into a library
And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."
I walked in a Library...
I walked in a library and asked the librarian for a book about small p**.... The librarian said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet".
I replied "Yeah, that's the one"
A blonde walks into a library..
she goes up to the librarians desk and says, "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please." The librarian looks at her in disbelief. "Uh, honey, this is a library, and not McDonalds." The blonde is totally taken aback as she looks around and see everyone quietly reading books. She says, "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!"
*whispers* "I'll have a quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and a diet coke please."
So a girl walks into a library...
...and asks the librarian,"Can I have a cheeseburger and fries?"
The librarian says,"This is a library..."
"Sorry,"The girl whispers,"can I have a cheeseburger and fries?"
Library s**...
A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on how to commit s**....
The librarian says "Yeh, I think we do, it should be at the back row on the top shelf".
The man goes and looks, even climbs a ladder to look at the top but still can't find it.
"Still no luck" says the man.
The librarian replies "Oh, the last person who borrowed it mustn't have brought it back"
Did you hear there was a fire in George Bushes personal library?
It was awful! Most of his books hadn't even been colored in yet.
A man walks into a library...
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Hello, I'd like a hamburger please."
The librarian says, "Sir, this is a library."
The man apologizes, then whispers ^"I'd ^like ^a ^hamburger ^please."
A visitor to Harvard asks a professor...
A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"
"Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."
"Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at, j**...?"
A drunk walks into a library
Walks to the clerk and says "barkeep get me 2 beers and a shot!" The clerk replies "sir this is a library" the drunk leans close and whispers "bartender get me 2 beers and a shot"
A blonde goes into a library.
She walks up to the head librarian's desk and says, "Hi! I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries, and a medium-sized Coke, please."
The librarian stares at her. "Miss, do you realize that this is a library?"
"Oh!" says the blonde. She lowers her voice to a whisper. "*I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries...*"
I was sitting in the library...
I was sitting in the library when a black guy came up to me, asking "Where are the colored printers?" I said "Dude... it's 2014, you can use whichever printer you want"
A Day in the Library
A guy is looking for a place to sit in the crowded library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."
I went to the library. I said,"Can I borrow a book about s**...?"
The guy said,"We did have one, but we never got it back."
I asked my friend about his time in prison.
"I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."
A man goes to the library and asks for a book
A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on small p**.... After checking the computer, the librarian replies, "I don't think it's in yet." He looks at her and says, "Yeah that's the one."
Psychology vs Law
A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy,
He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table,
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The GUY then responded in a loud voice:
"Rs.5000/- FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:
"I study law and I know how to screw people."
Sean Connery was in his private library.
He was sat down reading a book when a large encyclopaedia fell and hit him on the head. "Ouch!" He said. "What was that? Who is responsible for this?" He then looked down at the book and noticed what it was. "Oh well" he said. "I guess I've only got myshelf to blame".
A blonde woman walks into a library
A blonde woman walks into a library and talks to the lady at the front desk and says " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."
The lady replies "Ma'am, this is a library."
The blonde looks around, then whispers " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."
(Credit goes to my dad for this one. He had another one that I can't remember but once I do I'm coming back to post it)
I went to the library and asked if they had the book about tiny p**......
The librarian said, "I don't think it's in yet."
I said, "Yes, that's the one."
So, tonight at the library I asked the librarian if they had any books on turtles
"Hardback?" she inquired. "Yes" I said. "and little heads."
A man walks into a library...
... then walks up to the lady behind the counter and says: 1 Fish and chips please.
The lady says: Sir, this is a library!
The man says "Sorry" and proceeds to whisper: *1 Fish and Chips please.*
A drunk walks into a library...
He goes up to the desk and slurs: I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake.
The librarian replies: Sir, this is a library!
***whispers*** Sorry, I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake.
A guy says to a librarian "I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"
The librarian says "I'm sorry sir but this is a library".
The guy says *whispering* "Oh, sorry, I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"
BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground...
Both books were completely destroyed.
The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.
So I was at the Library today
.. And a black Gentleman came over to me and asked where the coloured printer was. I replied "Man its 2016 you can use any printer!"
A Blonde Walks into a Library
A blonde walks into a library and slams a book on the desk.
She says, "This is the worst book I've ever read!! There's no plot and it has way too many characters!!"
The librarian says, "So that's what happened to our phonebook."
A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...
A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.
The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."
The Dictionary responds "You don't even know the meaning of the word."
The Thesaurus then says "But I know what it's like."
a man goes to a library and asks for a book on s**............
Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?
A man walks into a library...
A man walks into a library and says "Excuse me, miss, but do you have that book for men with small p**...?"
The librarian goes to the computer, types a few things in, and says "I don't think it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one..."
A man goes to the library
Man : do you have the new book on small p**...?
Women : sorry, I don't think it's in yet.
Man : yeah, that's the one!
I got kicked out of the library today
I got kicked out of the library for putting the women's rights book in the fiction section
A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library."
The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?"
A man walks into a library
and asks the librarian at the info desk if they have any books on Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat. The librarian thinks for a moment before replying "It rings a bell but I'm not sure whether it's there or not."
An Englishman comes to Harvard.
Unable to find out the way to the library, he approaches an undergrad. The subsequent conversation is as follows-
Englishman: Excuse me. Could you kindly enlighten me where the library is at?
Undergrad: It's Harvard. People don't end sentences with a preposition here.
Englishman: Oh, I see. Could you kindly enlighten me where the library is at, a**...?
Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?
Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.
Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.
A man walks into a library and orders fish and chips.
The librarian says, "this is a library."
The man, says, "oh. Sorry." (Then in a whisper) "I'd like some fish and chips."
A blonde goes into a library and, speaking clearly and loudly, orders a burger, fries and a milkshake.
The librarian rolls his eyes and says, exasperated, "This is a library, ma'am."
So the blonde leans in and whispers, "Sorry. I'll have a burger, fries, and a milkshake."
A man goes into the library...
Man: "Do you have the book about small p**...?"
Librarian: "It's not in yet."
Man: "Yeah, that's the one."
Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.
Because actions speak louder than words
I was standing in a library
And a black dude walks up to me and asked if i knew where the colored printer was. I told him "dude, it's almost 2018, use any printer you want."
A blonde walks into a library (*not the whole joke)
She says to the librarian "Hiiii, I'd like a cheeseburger, some fries, and a coke."
The librarian says, "Lady, this is a library!"
Embarrassed, the blonde apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a cheeseburger, some fries, and a coke."
I was in the library the other day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were?
I replied, "Dude, it's 2018, you can use whatever printer you want."
Man walks into a library and orders an incredibly hot curry.
"This is a library", says the librarian
"Oh, sorry", replies the man
"*I'd like to order an incredibly hot curry please*", he whispers
A German goes into a library and asks if he can borrow a book on war.
The librarian says, 'No, you've already lost it twice, you'll only lose it again!'
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small p**...?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said.
"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"
I went into the library and asked for a book on turtles.
the lady said, "hardback?"
I replied, "yes, with little wrinkled heads"
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about s**....
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
Why does the library have so many floors?
CAUSE IT'S FULL OF STORIES!!!
I'm so sorry
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small p**...?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"
A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
The girl answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!!"
All the people in the library started staring at the boy and he was embarrassed.
After a few minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said to him," I study psychology and I know what man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy responded with a loud voice,"$300 for one night. That's too much!!"
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make someone guilty."
A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
What are you reading, old man? he asks.
I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.
I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.
How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to h**...? asks the KGB agent.
I already speak Russian."
A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University ...
A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University and found himself lost in the yard. He stopped a professor who was walking by and said to him, "Howdy Pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"
The professor couldn't believe his ears. "What did you say?" he said.
The Texan again said, "Howdy pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"
The professor became indignant, "You can't talk like that at Harvard University. I mean, you've ended your sentence with a preposition. Try to do better!"
The Texan shuffled for a second and said, "Well pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at...a**...!"
Boss: Why do you-
Me: *sshhh*
Boss: What is your biggest wea-
Me: *sshhh*
Boss: (whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library.
A depressed man walks into a library
Depressed man: do you have any books on s**...?
Library staff: yes it's on the third shelf over there
Depressed man: walks to third shelf
Depressed man after a few minutes: I can't seem to find any.
Library staff: yep it's awful cause they never bring them back
A boy asked a girl in a library, Do you mind if I sit next to you?
The girl replied with a loud angry voice; I don't want to spend the night with you! All the people in the library started looking at the boy and felt embarrassed. After a few minutes the girl walked calmly to the boy's table and said: I study psychology and I known what the man is thinking, I guess you felt pretty embarrassed, huh? The boy replied loudly: $300 for one night? That's too much! And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the boy whispered in her ear, I study law I know how to make someone guilty
I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.
"Where's the coloured printer?" He said
"Mate, it's 2020 you can use any printer you want" I replied
I called the library to try to make a reservation...
But they said they were fully booked.
I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.
She leaned over and whispered, "They're right behind you. . ."
I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure…
So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.
The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
