Librarian Jokes
139 librarian jokes and hilarious librarian puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about librarian that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for a good laugh? Check out our article on librarian jokes! From naughty librarians to hot librarians and beyond, we've got jokes about all types of librarians - from school librarians to retirement librarians and even curators and custodians! Plus, check out our bookcase of favorite puns to up your librarian humor game!
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Funniest Librarian Short Jokes
Short librarian jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The librarian humour may include short library books jokes also.
- I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia. She whispered: "They're right behind you."
- Librarian: Can I help you? Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Dave: No...
Librarian: One day that will work. - I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
- Have a turkish joke A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"
- A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?" The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."
- A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles. The librarian asks "hard back?"
The guy replies "yeah little heads too." - I asked a librarian if there are any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs. She replied "Yes, it's up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left."
- A frenchman walks into a library And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."
- I went to the library today and asked where I could find books on greases, oils and lubricants. The librarian suggested I try the non-friction section.
- Did you hear about the bar for West African bookstore workers with anti government views? Liberian Libertarian Librarian Libations
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Librarian One Liners
Which librarian one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with librarian? I can suggest the ones about library and book and author.
- If We're Going to Arm the Teachers All I ask is that the librarians get silencers
- Why do librarians hate tennis? Too much racket.
- I'D LIKE TO GIVE A BIG SHOUT OUT TO LIBRARIANS! oh... sorry...
- What do you call a kebab prepared by a librarian? A shush-kebab
- A man goes into a library and asks for a book on cliffhangers... The librarian says;
- What do you call a sunburned librarian? Well red.
- A conversation between a cobra and a librarian -Shhhh
-Shhhh
-Shhhh
-Shhhh
- Why did the librarian hush the mime? Because actions speak louder than words.
- I used to date a periodicals librarian… …but we broke up because she had too many issues.
- The naughty librarian showed me.. The do me decimal system... And I'm all in.
- What’s a librarian’s favorite color? Read.
- "I work in a thousand story building" Said the librarian
- Why are librarians so shy? Their occupation makes them very shelf conscious.
- Ask Any Librarian, What's The Opposite of Capitalism? lowercasism
- I was told that I needed to read the room So I am now a librarian.
Librarian Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny librarian day jokes and even better librarian day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I wasted the whole day looking for an Indian cookbook at the library today. I asked the librarian for help, but I was too embarrassed to tell her I couldn't even find the naan fiction section.
- A boy walks into a library.... and asks if he can borrow *"It's the Last Day of School. Forever"*. Looking shocked and surprised, the librarian says, "No dear, you've got to bring it back next week."
Reference Librarian Jokes
Here is a list of funny reference librarian jokes and even better reference librarian puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why can't you check out librarians while at the library? They're for reference only.
- Old librarians never die, they just lose their references.
Hot Librarian Jokes
Here is a list of funny hot librarian jokes and even better hot librarian puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Man walks into a library and orders an incredibly hot curry. "This is a library", says the librarian
"Oh, sorry", replies the man
"*I'd like to order an incredibly hot curry please*", he whispers
Cheeky Librarian Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about librarian you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bookshelf jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make librarian pranks.
A man walks into a library
A man goes to a library, walks to the librarian's desk and says:
"I'd like to have a large burger with french fries and a coke please!!"
Surprised the Librarian says: "But sir, this is a library."
"Oh, I'm sorry", says the man and he whispers:
*"I'd like to have a large burger with french fries and a coke please.."*
Library joke
Why are librarians so lonely?
They're always by them shelves
Just wanted to see if that library joke checked out
Sorry for all the library jokes, I'll put them on hold
A guy walks into a library...
and says to the librarian, "I'll take a hamburger and fries."
The librarian looks at him and says, "This is a library, you idiot."
The man says, "Oh sorry!" and whispers, "I'll take a hamburger and fries."
I have a librarian friend and a grocer friend who rarely want to hang out with me
because they're just too shelf conscious.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the library and asks for their best book on
s**...! Librarian says "Oh, we are out of copies on that. People who take it never returns it"
I walked into the library the other day
I walked into the library the other day and asked the librarian if he still had that mouldy old book on giving your child up for adoption.
"It was vile so I got rid of it."
"That's the one."
A gentleman walks into a library...
A gentleman walks into a library, goes over to the librarian and says, "I'll take a cheeseburger, a medium fry, and a small chocolate shake.". Confused, the librarian replies, "Sir, this is a library!". The gentleman is very embarrassed. He softly whispers, "I'm terribly sorry. I'll take a cheeseburger, a medium fry, and a small chocolate shake.".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the library and asks for the book "Psycho the r**..."..
The librarian slaps him and says it's "Psychotherapist"!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How is a librarian like a s**... addict?
Their favorite past time is between the covers.
Silly Billy went in a library and said, " I would like to have a pizza."
Librarian - " Sir, this is a library."
Billy goes near his ear
and whispers - " I would like to have a pizza."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Doctors
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They're gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''
My husband doesn't like my new job as a librarian in the prison.
He says it has more cons than prose
Where does a librarian sleep?
Between the covers.
I will now show myself to the door.
What were the political views of the librarian?
She wanted open borders.
A guy says to a librarian "I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"
The librarian says "I'm sorry sir but this is a library".
The guy says *whispering* "Oh, sorry, I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book about autofellatio
"Well," says the librarian "We actually do have a book on that subject. It's that one over there, with the broken spine."
A Blonde Walks into a Library
A blonde walks into a library and slams a book on the desk.
She says, "This is the worst book I've ever read!! There's no plot and it has way too many characters!!"
The librarian says, "So that's what happened to our phonebook."
A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library...
A Dictionary and a Thesaurus are in a library. The librarian who has taken good care of them for years and years is retiring. Understandably, the Dictionary and Thesaurus are both sad.
The Thesaurus says to the Dictionary "I can see how distraught you are."
The Dictionary responds "You don't even know the meaning of the word."
The Thesaurus then says "But I know what it's like."
I went to the library today and said, "I'd like to check these books out."
The librarian said, "Sorry, that's actually against the rules."
"Huh?!"
The librarian replied, "You see, checking them out only makes them shelf conscious."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a man goes to a library and asks for a book on s**............
Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on s**....
The librarian said, "j**... mate, you won't bring it back!".
"What time does the library open?" The man on the phone asks.
"Nine AM," came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine AM?" The man said in a disappointed voice.
"No not till nine!" The librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine?"
"Who said I wanted to get in? I want to get out."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Japanese man goes into a library and asks for a book on s**....
The librarian replies "Get out of here, you won't bring it back"
Ginger librarians are:
Well read.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a library and checks out a book on s**....
He walks out and the librarian then turns to her work associate and says, He's not bringing that book back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Midget Discrimination
A midget asks the librarian, Do you have any books on midget discrimination? The librarian replies, Top shelf .
A man walks into a library
and is greeted by the librarian behind the front desk.
He slaps a $10 bill on the desk and says to the librarian - "I'll have two budweisers please"
The librarian, taken aback, responds - "Sir, this is a library!"
The man quickly replies back - "Oh, sorry!"
*whispers* "I'll have two budweisers please"
I went to the library and asked if they had any books on shelves...
The librarian replied, "Yes, all of them."
I asked the librarian if he had any books on harassment.
He said "no" so I asked him 35 more times.
I asked my librarian if she had a book on short term memory loss...
I asked my librarian if she had a book on short term memory loss...
i asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
i said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a library
And says to the librarian "Hi! I would like an 8 ball of coke and an ounce of w**... please."
The librarian says "Sir, this is a library!"
The man says "Sorry" and then leans in closely and whispers " I would like an 8 ball of coke and an ounce of w**... please."
I walked into a library.
"Have you got any books on single life?" I asked the librarian.
"Sorry," she said. "They're all taken."
A blond walks into a library while talking on her phone.
When she gets to the front desk she says, "I will have two cheese burgers and s large french fry."
The librarian looks and her and says, "ma'am, this is a library."
The blond looks around and sees all of the shelves full of books. She is very embarrassed, hangs up her phone, and leans forward to whisper, "I will have two cheese burgers and a large fry."
I asked the librarian if she had any books on skepticism.
She said, "No."
I said, "Hmm, let me check."
A blonde walks into a library (*not the whole joke)
She says to the librarian "Hiiii, I'd like a cheeseburger, some fries, and a coke."
The librarian says, "Lady, this is a library!"
Embarrassed, the blonde apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a cheeseburger, some fries, and a coke."
There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day he did his job without missing a beat. One day though, he didn't show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that...
Turns out he had become shelf aware.
A German goes into a library and asks if he can borrow a book on war.
The librarian says, 'No, you've already lost it twice, you'll only lose it again!'
A blonde walked into a library
Wait that's not the whole joke!
And she asked the librarian, Do you have pasta?
The librarian rolled her eyes and answered, Miss, this is library.
The blonde whisper, Do you have pasta?
Blonde walks into a library and searches around for an hour.
Eventually she approaches the librarian with a book in her hands.
"Ah, learning all about fire I see", says the librarian, "very interesting".
"Well, no actually... " replies the blonde, "my boyfriend sent me out to get something, but this is the closest I could find".
"I'm sure I can help", says the librarian, "what did he ask you to find?"
"A book of matches"
What did the trans-textual book say to the librarian?
"Did you just assume my genre?"
I walked into a library and asked the librarian, "do you have a bookmark?"
He replied, "Of course I have a book, this is a library!"
I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said.
"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"
American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.
Librarians will be issued silencers.
I asked the librarian if they had any books on language barriers.
She said, "What do you mean?"
I said, "Exactly."
The Librarian
What time does the library open? the man on the phone asked.
Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.
9 am, came the reply. And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?
Not until 9 am? the man asked in a disappointed voice.
The librarian began to get angry.
No, not until 9 am, said the librarian. Why do you want to get in before 9 am?
Who said I wanted to get in? the man sighed sadly. I want to get o
What do librarians call breathalyzers?
The DUI decimal system
A snake and a librarian in a library
\-Ssssssssss
\-Sssssssss
\-Sssssssssss
\-Ssssssssss
I asked the librarian if she had any books on embarrassing situations.
She said, "Sorry, I don't work here."
A woman walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on Euphemisms
The librarian took her up the back alley and let her have it
In Turkey, a prisoner goes to the prison library and asks for a book.
The librarian answers Unfortunately, we do not have the book here. But the author.
Libraries have really expanded in terms of what they can help with - I just saw a man bring his laptop to the help desk asking how he can check the weather
The librarian had to show him how to use windows
A man walks into a library
and asks for a book on suffocation, and the librarian says
"Would you like a bag with that?"
a lady visits her husband in a prison
A lady visits her husband in a prison. After talking to him she talks to a prison administrator:
"Shouldn't my husband be treated better? All this hard work he has to do!"
"What hard work?" asks the administrator "he's a librarian here."
"Well," replies the lady, "he was telling me something about digging a tunnel every night..."
I went to the library looking for a copy of the Kama sutra...
I couldn't find it. So I complained to the librarian.
They Replied "Ah that's cause it's in a different position every week"
I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where the dystopian fiction books were.
She said, "next to the poster over there, but I don't see why you'd want to read those. We just got a bunch nonfiction biography books, go check those out instead".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Idk if this one's been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit s**...
The librarian says frick off I know your not gonna return it.
A man walks into a library and says "You got any books on floors?"
The librarian says "Unfortunately no, we store our books on shelves like everyone else".
A man walks into a library...
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for the Encyclopedia of Loud Noises.
The librarian responds: "Absolutely! Which volume would you like?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small p**...?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four surgeons
Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.
The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."
The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.
The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the a**... and head are interchangeable."
A woman walks into a library and asks for a book on childbirth.
The Librarian says "Try over there in the c section."
Did you hear about the librarian that was killed in an earthquake?
She was crushed by a title wave.
