liar Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious liar puns

A sexual predator, a pathological liar, and a racist walk into a bar

The bartender says, What'll it be, Mr. President?

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Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..."
So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar.
I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.

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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.

"Well, neither would Pete,"

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I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I?

A liar.

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Wife comes home and finds her husband sipping coffee with another woman

She starts swearing at her husband immediatelly.

He stops her: 'Don't shout at me, this woman has come to see you.'

'Me? You cheating liar, I don't know her at all!'

'OK, let me introduce you then. This is Carol, wife of your lover…'

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Both of them?

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs an get me slippers?

No bother, he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.

Fook off you liar! .

I'll prove it, Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, Both of them, Paddy?

Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?

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What does a liar do after he's dead?

He lies still...

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I have 3 eyes, 5 legs and 6 arms, what am I ?

A liar

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Marriage

Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*

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MY WIFE IS A LIAR!

'That wife of mine is a liar.' said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

'How do you know?' the friend asked.

'She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley.'

'So?' the friend replied.

'So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!

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Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy,

who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both."

"Fuck off you liar!"

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"

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A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.

He sits down and drinks coffee.

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I have 2 heads, 5 arms, 372 legs, and 6684324 eyes. What am I?

A liar

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A rapist, a bigot, and a pathological liar walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What'll you have, Mr. President?"

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I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I?

A liar.

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My chemistry teacher is a damn liar!

He said that alcohol is a solvent. I've been drinking for years and it hasn't solved any of my problems.

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A liar, a murderer, and a cheater walk into a bar.

The New England Patriots must be in town.

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I have 7 legs, 5 eyes, and 9 arms. What am I?

A liar

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I'd call myself a politician, but then I would just be a liar...

So, basically, I would be a politician.

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And then there's me...

A man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful girl. He said to her, "you're pretty!"
"I know." She said, arrogantly.
"You have a beautiful figure!"
"I know." She said again.
"It must be nice to be born with such beautiful features!" He said.
"It is." she replied.
"And then there's me, I was born a liar." He said, before promptly leaving the bar.

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[NSFW] An Orc and an Elf are sitting at a tavern looking at a pretty hobbit girl.

"I took her on a date last night," bragged the Orc.
"And she let me reach under the table and diddle her hairy twat!"

"Liar." Says the Elf.
"It's true! She loved it. Go ask her." Says the Orc.

So the Elf approaches the pretty Hobbit.
"Is it true that you went on a date with that Orc?"

"Oh yes, he was wonderful." Says the hobbit. "Best foot massage I ever had."

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LIAR

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

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Liars

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, Next Sunday, I'm going to preach on the subject of Liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand. Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Smiling, the preacher said, You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark only has 16 Chapters.

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A man who could talk to animals visits a farmer

English is not my native language so I apologize for any error.

A man who could talk to animals visits a farmer.

"What do you want here?" says the farmer

"I can talk to animals"

"I don't believe you!"

"I'll show you!"

So they go to the chicken and the man says: "Who fucked you yesterday night?"

"The cock!"
The farmer was amazed and said, now let's see with the cow!

"Who fucked you yesterday?" asks the man to the cow.

"The bull!"

The farmer couldn't believe it and the sheep was passing nearby.

"I'll ask the sheep now!"

"No don't ask her she's a fucking liar!"

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A liar, a cheat, and a bigot walked into a bar...

"Let's make America great again!" he said.

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A man decides to buy a lie detecting robot

because he wanted to make sure that he was always getting the truth from his family. Anytime the robot detected a fallacy, it would slap the liar. The man decided he would try out his new toy at the dinner table.

"So son" said the father "have you finished your homework tonight?"

"Of course" he replied. *SMACK*

"Well, what were you doing?" Asked the father, adamently.

"Ok, ok." He replied "I was watching a movie at a friends house."

"What were you watching?"

"Toy Story"

*SMACK*

"What were you *really* watching?" Said the father.

In a quiet voice the boy spoke "I was watching porn"

"WHAT?!" Exclaimed the father "WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE I *NEVER* LOOKED AT PORNOGRAPHY!"

*SMACK*

The wife, who had been watching this whole event unfold chuckled and said "Well, he *is* your son."

*SMACK*

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A liar, A cheat, and a sore loser walk into a bar.

The bartender says:

What'll it be Mrs.Clinton?

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What happens to liars when they die?

They lie still

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Paddy's Slippers

Murphy calls in to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!"

"Hold on - I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

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At the sister's

Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?

She's a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister's!

So? Maybe she was.

Yeah, no way. I was at her sister's the whole night!

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Liars tend not make eye contact,

which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.

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Condoms are available in three sizes:

Small, medium, and liar.

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Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking along.

Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking along.

They see a sign: "Contest for World's Most Beautiful Woman." Snow White goes in, later comes out smiling, wearing a crown.

They walk along and see another sign: "Contest for World's Strongest Man." Superman goes in, later comes out smiling, wearing the belt.

They walk along and see a sign: "Contest for World's Greatest Liar." Pinocchio goes in, later comes out with his head down crying.

"Who the hell is Mitt Romney?" Pinocchio sobs.

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A liar, a murderer, and a thief walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "what will it be, Mrs. Clinton?"

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Liar

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You fucking lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

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What are the most funny Liar jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Liar? Well, here are the best Liar dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Liar pick up lines to share with friends.

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