and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Lettuce spray
...all I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"
A guy goes to the doctor.
'doctor' he says ' I think I've got a lettuce up my bum'
'bend over then and let me have a look' the doctor says.
The guy bends over and the doctor has a good look and a rummage around.
' I'm afraid that I think you're right ' he exclaimed, ' and I'm afraid it looks like that's just the tip of the iceberg '
Seizure salad
What did the vegetarian lion say before going hunting?
"Lettuce prey"
You make a seizure salad.
A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.
He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."
He says, "I am. How did you know?"
She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."
everyone please romaine calm
Chicken sees a salad.
She is loading all her items on the conveyer belt for the chasier to scan.
Her items are; A litre of milk, a carton of eggs, and a head of lettuce.
The cashier looks at her and says, "Are you single?"
The customer, shocked at her assumption says, "Yes, I am. How did you know?"
The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."
It wouldn't lettuce leaf
A woman goes to a supermarket. After gathering her items, she goes to the checkout counter.
The cashier looks at the items she bought: a jug of milk, a carton of eggs, & a head of lettuce
The cashier says "You must be single"
The woman says "Oh my god, how did you know?"
The cashier responds:
"Because you're ugly."
I'm not actually sure if If they're vegans, but they keep shouting lettuce leaf!
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?"
Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish".
[True story. My dad is not an idiot either, totally normal human.]
A woman was walking to the checkout at the supermarket when she passed a drunk man leaning against a newspaper rack. Obviously being someone she didn't want to engage in conversation, she walks past him and starts unloading the contents of her cart onto the conveyor belt.
1 head of lettuce
A bag of flour
4 oranges
A loaf of bread
A pack of toilet paper
A flat of water
And two pounds of ground beef.
The woman is about to check out when she notices the drunk man has been watching her the entire time, he yells out with such conviction:
"You must be single!"
The woman was indeed single and knew she shouldn't engage this drunk man, but she looked at what she had bought and nothing jumped out at her that should broadcast her relationship status. She responds:
"You're right! I am single. But how on earth could you tell?"
Slurring his words, the man replies:
"Cuz' yer ugly."
Who won the race? The lettuce, the tomato or the faucet?
The lettuce was a head, the faucet was still running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
...and during his interview with the pastor, he's asked if he's ever engaged in any unusual sexual activity. He looks down, embarrassed, and sighs deeply.
"Well, yes, actually. Just last week, my girlfriend had dropped a head of lettuce. When she bent over, and I saw her shapely rear silhouetted by the light nearby, I ... I just couldn't help myself. I had to have her, so I made love to her right then and there."
The pastor replies, "I'm terribly sorry, sir. We can't allow that kind of behavior here. Premarital sex, even in a loving relationship, is against our doctrine."
The man shrugs, seemingly expecting the rejection. He stands up and begins walking to the door. "Hey, padre? Don't feel bad," he says. "We're not allowed in Wal*Mart any more either."
Until someone helped me think it through. Turns out, two heads are better than one.
Chicken Caesar Salad
The doctor says "that looks nasty", the woman replies "that's just the tip of the iceberg"
A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.
So as they are doing the deed and the girl is saying "Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Tomato!" Then the younger brother says, "Hey, can you two stop making sandwiches? I just got mayonnaise on my face."
"Lettuce pray"
A man was shopping at his local supermarket where he selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
He unloaded his items on the conveyor belt to check out, and the cashier said "You must be single."
The young man was a bit startled by this proclamation,
but he was intrigued by the check-out girl's intuition, since he was indeed single. He looked at his six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about his selections that could have tipped off the cashier.
Curiosity getting the better of him, he said "Well, you
know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The cashier replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Lettuce pray.
The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.
"Lettuce, pray."
There were two brothers sleeping on a bunk bed.
The older brother, on top, was having sex with his girlfriend, but they knew they had to be discreet about what they were doing, so as to not corrupt the younger brother.
The couple decide they will come up with code-words:
Lettuce = harder
Tomato = switch positions
Ham = faster
As they're having sex, the girl is yelling "lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce, ham!!"
After they're finished, the younger brother shouts up and says "you guys are sloppy sandwich makers, how did you get mayonnaise on me all the way down here?!"
Lettuce turnip the beet.
The lettuce was a head and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
Lettuce turnip the beet
I've been throwing lettuce at the window for hours now and it hasn't even scratched, let alone put a hole in it.
She gets a shopping cart and went to buy the stuff she needs.
First, she bought a tray of eggs.
Next, 3 bottles of milk.
And last, lettuce.
Now that she's done, she went to the cashier and puts her groceries on the conveyer belt.
The clerk, saw the stuff she bought.
He noticed the tray of eggs, the bottles of milk, and the lettuce.
The clerk told the woman, "You must be single."
And the woman, was so shocked and surprised on what the clerk said, "Yes, I am single! How do you know?" asked the woman with a shocked expression.
And the clerk responded, "Because you're ugly."
Lettuce alone!
two heads are better than one.
Wrong sub.
It saw the salad dressing.
One day, Mr. Lettuce and Ms. Kale got into a fight over who wears green better. Ms. Kale looks at Mr. Lettuce and says, "I will kale you" and Mr. Lettuce says, "Lettuce fight"
Two men go out to lunch. One man orders a BLT, but the waitress says "We're out of BLTs." The man contends they cannot be out of BLTs, and asks whether they have bacon. The waitress answers in the affirmative. The man asks whether they have tomatoes. Again, the waitress answers "yes." The man asks whether they have lettuce, and the waitress states they are indeed out of lettuce. The man asks whether he can have cabbage instead of lettuce, and the waitress agrees to arrange for this.
When the food arrives, the man who ordered the BLT begins to dissect the sandwich. He wipes the mayonnaise off the bread and wipes it on the side of the plate. He sets the tomatoes aside, and crumbles the bacon and puts it on top of the tomatoes. He then begins rolling up the cabbage and stuffing it into his ear. His friend is confused and embarrassed, and asks the man to stop, saying "Why are you doing that with the cabbage?"
The man answers: "Because they were out of lettuce."
I don't know, but it sure can pick lettuce.
lettuce turnip the beet
The doctor asked why I was so concerned. I replied, I think it's just the tip of the iceberg
Chicken Cesar Salad
Lettuce Pray.
Lettuce Turnip the Beet
Because chicken sees a salad.
Lettuce go.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2%milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice,a head of romaine lettuce, a two pound can of coffee, and a one pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, " Cause you're ugly."
I am now a seizure salad.
LETTUCE. TURNIP. THE BEET!
Chicken-caesa-salad.
A chicken sees a salad.
Lettuce Turnip the Beet
lettuce pray
Two brothers shared a bedroom, bunk beds. The older brother had the top bunk. He wanted to bring his girlfriend over to spend the night. He tells his girlfriend if she wants it faster say lettuce, harder say tomato.
The younger brother wakes up hearing, "lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce, tomato." He yells up to his older brother and says, "I know you guys are making sandwiches up there but can you stop dropping the mayo!"
A 37 year old woman at the super market says: NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK . . . . I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. Can of coffee
A 1 lb. Package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated -- 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found "Mr. Right." I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.....
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said -- 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly'.
The doctor has a look and says, "This is could be serious, you seem to have a lettuce leaf stuck in there. I can remove it easily enough, but it may just be the tip of the iceberg."
Lettuce Turnip The Beet
But sometimes I just don't need that much lettuce.
Lettuce be grape friends.
What did the cucumber say to the cabbage when they got kidnapped by the tomato?
Lettuce go
The Romaine-der
Chicken Caesar Salad
When it's bakin' lettuce and tomato
Chicken caeser salad.
Because they're in-bred!
"That's just the tip of the iceberg." She replies.
Chicken Cesar salad
Lettuce, turnip, the beet.
I know, it was corny.
Lettuce pray.
A chicken ceaser salad.
They climb up to the top bunk.
The boy turns to the girl and says "Okay, in case my brother wakes up, we'll use codewords say 'tomato' if you want me to go faster and 'lettuce' to change position."
She agrees, and they start having sex. At first, the girl whispers "lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato".
Five minutes in, she is getting louder, almost screaming "lettuce, tomato!!"
Suddenly, the little brother wakes up, and shouts "Can you guys stop making sandwiches up there?! You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed!"
Oops. Wrong sub.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly"
So he asks the guard for a romaine lettuce salad, but the guard replies "You can only choose a meal, not how you want to die."
A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries. The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman was surprised & replies, "Yes, how did you know?" The clerk answers, "Because you're ugly."
the food really lettuce down.
I asked waitress "What all comes in the club salad?"
She said "Lettuce, turnip, the beat"
They even started sending me pictures of vegetables on the internet, threatening to make me eat lettuce until I was sick. To this day, I still suffer from the effects of their rampant and traumatic fiber-bullying.
Chicken Caesar salad.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Lettuce? Well, here are the best Lettuce puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Lettuce pick up lines to share with friends.