Lettuce Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

I just got fired from the grocery store for being too violent...

...all I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"

Doctor doctor

A guy goes to the doctor.


'doctor' he says ' I think I've got a lettuce up my bum'

'bend over then and let me have a look' the doctor says.

The guy bends over and the doctor has a good look and a rummage around.

' I'm afraid that I think you're right ' he exclaimed, ' and I'm afraid it looks like that's just the tip of the iceberg '

What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch?

Seizure salad

(OC) one I thought up this morning

What did the vegetarian lion say before going hunting?

"Lettuce prey"

What do you do with epileptic lettuce?

You make a seizure salad.

One of everything.

A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.

He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."

He says, "I am. How did you know?"

She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."

Attention everyone: there is a national lettuce shortage

everyone please romaine calm

What do you call a chicken looking at lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

So a woman is at a supermarket...

She is loading all her items on the conveyer belt for the chasier to scan.

Her items are; A litre of milk, a carton of eggs, and a head of lettuce.

The cashier looks at her and says, "Are you single?"

The customer, shocked at her assumption says, "Yes, I am. How did you know?"

The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn't lettuce leaf

A woman goes to a supermarket

A woman goes to a supermarket. After gathering her items, she goes to the checkout counter.
The cashier looks at the items she bought: a jug of milk, a carton of eggs, & a head of lettuce
The cashier says "You must be single"
The woman says "Oh my god, how did you know?"
The cashier responds:
"Because you're ugly."

I trapped a bunch of vegans in my basement

I'm not actually sure if If they're vegans, but they keep shouting lettuce leaf!

Asked my dad what LGBT stands for

He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?"
Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish".

[True story. My dad is not an idiot either, totally normal human.]

You must be single.

A woman was walking to the checkout at the supermarket when she passed a drunk man leaning against a newspaper rack. Obviously being someone she didn't want to engage in conversation, she walks past him and starts unloading the contents of her cart onto the conveyor belt.

1 head of lettuce

A bag of flour

4 oranges

A loaf of bread

A pack of toilet paper

A flat of water

And two pounds of ground beef.

The woman is about to check out when she notices the drunk man has been watching her the entire time, he yells out with such conviction:

"You must be single!"

The woman was indeed single and knew she shouldn't engage this drunk man, but she looked at what she had bought and nothing jumped out at her that should broadcast her relationship status. She responds:

"You're right! I am single. But how on earth could you tell?"

Slurring his words, the man replies:

"Cuz' yer ugly."

Who won the race?

Who won the race? The lettuce, the tomato or the faucet?

The lettuce was a head, the faucet was still running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

A man wishes to join an exclusive local church's congregation...

...and during his interview with the pastor, he's asked if he's ever engaged in any unusual sexual activity. He looks down, embarrassed, and sighs deeply.

"Well, yes, actually. Just last week, my girlfriend had dropped a head of lettuce. When she bent over, and I saw her shapely rear silhouetted by the light nearby, I ... I just couldn't help myself. I had to have her, so I made love to her right then and there."

The pastor replies, "I'm terribly sorry, sir. We can't allow that kind of behavior here. Premarital sex, even in a loving relationship, is against our doctrine."

The man shrugs, seemingly expecting the rejection. He stands up and begins walking to the door. "Hey, padre? Don't feel bad," he says. "We're not allowed in Wal*Mart any more either."

I couldn't decide how much lettuce to buy

Until someone helped me think it through. Turns out, two heads are better than one.

What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce?

Chicken Caesar Salad

A woman goes to the doctors with a piece of lettuce sticking out the top of her underwear

The doctor says "that looks nasty", the woman replies "that's just the tip of the iceberg"

Lettuce Tomato

A teenage couple was at the boys house and wanted to have relations. The only problem was, they were sleeping on the top of a bunk bed with the boys little brother asleep on the bottom bunk. They came up with a plan, they would say "tomato" for harder and "lettuce" for softer while having sex.

So as they are doing the deed and the girl is saying "Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Tomato!" Then the younger brother says, "Hey, can you two stop making sandwiches? I just got mayonnaise on my face."

What did the priest say before eating his salad?

"Lettuce pray"

Conveyor Belt

A man was shopping at his local supermarket where he selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

He unloaded his items on the conveyor belt to check out, and the cashier said "You must be single."

The young man was a bit startled by this proclamation,
but he was intrigued by the check-out girl's intuition, since he was indeed single. He looked at his six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about his selections that could have tipped off the cashier.

Curiosity getting the better of him, he said "Well, you
know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The cashier replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage.

Lettuce pray.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.

What did the veggies say, as they sat down for supper?

"Lettuce, pray."

[NSFW] Two brothers in a bunk-bed

There were two brothers sleeping on a bunk bed.
The older brother, on top, was having sex with his girlfriend, but they knew they had to be discreet about what they were doing, so as to not corrupt the younger brother.

The couple decide they will come up with code-words:
Lettuce = harder
Tomato = switch positions
Ham = faster

As they're having sex, the girl is yelling "lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce, ham!!"

After they're finished, the younger brother shouts up and says "you guys are sloppy sandwich makers, how did you get mayonnaise on me all the way down here?!"

What did the D.J. say to the Vegetable Farmer?

Lettuce turnip the beet.

Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?

The lettuce was a head and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

What did the vegetables say at the garden party?

Lettuce turnip the beet

I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist here, but are we truly to believe that the Titanic sunk after being hit by an iceberg?! Do they think we're stupid fools!?

I've been throwing lettuce at the window for hours now and it hasn't even scratched, let alone put a hole in it.

A woman went to a grocery store..

She gets a shopping cart and went to buy the stuff she needs.
First, she bought a tray of eggs.
Next, 3 bottles of milk.
And last, lettuce.

Now that she's done, she went to the cashier and puts her groceries on the conveyer belt.
The clerk, saw the stuff she bought.
He noticed the tray of eggs, the bottles of milk, and the lettuce.
The clerk told the woman, "You must be single."
And the woman, was so shocked and surprised on what the clerk said, "Yes, I am single! How do you know?" asked the woman with a shocked expression.
And the clerk responded, "Because you're ugly."

Today I had Libertarian salad.

Lettuce alone!

Could not decide how much lettuce to buy, until I got a second opinion

two heads are better than one.

Lettuce, tomato, onion, green peppers...

Wrong sub.

Why was the lettuce embarrassed?

It saw the salad dressing.

A vegetable joke:

One day, Mr. Lettuce and Ms. Kale got into a fight over who wears green better. Ms. Kale looks at Mr. Lettuce and says, "I will kale you" and Mr. Lettuce says, "Lettuce fight"

My dad's favorite joke

Two men go out to lunch. One man orders a BLT, but the waitress says "We're out of BLTs." The man contends they cannot be out of BLTs, and asks whether they have bacon. The waitress answers in the affirmative. The man asks whether they have tomatoes. Again, the waitress answers "yes." The man asks whether they have lettuce, and the waitress states they are indeed out of lettuce. The man asks whether he can have cabbage instead of lettuce, and the waitress agrees to arrange for this.

When the food arrives, the man who ordered the BLT begins to dissect the sandwich. He wipes the mayonnaise off the bread and wipes it on the side of the plate. He sets the tomatoes aside, and crumbles the bacon and puts it on top of the tomatoes. He then begins rolling up the cabbage and stuffing it into his ear. His friend is confused and embarrassed, and asks the man to stop, saying "Why are you doing that with the cabbage?"

The man answers: "Because they were out of lettuce."

What do you call a Mexican crossed with an octopus?

I don't know, but it sure can pick lettuce.

What did the vegetable say to the dj?

lettuce turnip the beet

I went to the doctors with a lettuce just poking out of my bottom...

The doctor asked why I was so concerned. I replied, I think it's just the tip of the iceberg

What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce?

Chicken Cesar Salad

What did the reverend say before eating his salad?

Lettuce Pray.

What do vegetarians say at a rave?

Lettuce Turnip the Beet

Why did the chicken stare at a piece of lettuce?

Because chicken sees a salad.

What did the salad say before being eaten

Lettuce go.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2%milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice,a head of romaine lettuce, a two pound can of coffee, and a one pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " Cause you're ugly."

I'm epileptic. My friend dumped a bunch of lettuce on me.

I am now a seizure salad.

What did the garden say when he liked the music?

LETTUCE. TURNIP. THE BEET!

What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce?

Chicken-caesa-salad.

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

What do vegetables say at parties?

Lettuce Turnip the Beet

what did the priest say before he ate his salad?

lettuce pray

Sandwich making

Two brothers shared a bedroom, bunk beds. The older brother had the top bunk. He wanted to bring his girlfriend over to spend the night. He tells his girlfriend if she wants it faster say lettuce, harder say tomato.

The younger brother wakes up hearing, "lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce, tomato." He yells up to his older brother and says, "I know you guys are making sandwiches up there but can you stop dropping the mayo!"

Never question a drunk!

A 37 year old woman at the super market says: NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK . . . . I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. Can of coffee
A 1 lb. Package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated -- 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found "Mr. Right." I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.....

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said -- 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly'.

A guy goes to the doctor with a pain in his rear end

The doctor has a look and says, "This is could be serious, you seem to have a lettuce leaf stuck in there. I can remove it easily enough, but it may just be the tip of the iceberg."

What did the carrot say to the DJ?

Lettuce Turnip The Beet

They say two heads are better than one

But sometimes I just don't need that much lettuce.

What did the fruit say to the vegetable?

Lettuce be grape friends.

Vegetables

What did the cucumber say to the cabbage when they got kidnapped by the tomato?

Lettuce go

What do you call half a head of lettuce?

The Romaine-der

What do you call a Chicken staring at lettuce?

Chicken Caesar Salad

When does a sandwich cook?

When it's bakin' lettuce and tomato

What do you call a chicken looking at a piece of lettuce?

Chicken caeser salad.

Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?

Because they're in-bred!

A waiter says to a customer "Excuse me, miss, but you appear to have some lettuce stuck in your pants."

"That's just the tip of the iceberg." She replies.

What do you call it when a chicken stares at a lettuce?

Chicken Cesar salad

What did the DJ say to the farmer?

Lettuce, turnip, the beet.

I know, it was corny.

What did the Priest say to the Church of Vegetables?

Lettuce pray.

What do you call a chicken staring intently at a piece of lettuce?

A chicken ceaser salad.

A boy takes his girlfriend to his room to have sex, while his little brother is sleeping on the bottom bunk

They climb up to the top bunk.

The boy turns to the girl and says "Okay, in case my brother wakes up, we'll use codewords say 'tomato' if you want me to go faster and 'lettuce' to change position."

She agrees, and they start having sex. At first, the girl whispers "lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato".
Five minutes in, she is getting louder, almost screaming "lettuce, tomato!!"

Suddenly, the little brother wakes up, and shouts "Can you guys stop making sandwiches up there?! You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed!"

I'll have an Italian BMT on Cheddar bread with everything but lettuce. A squirt of mayo and yellow mustard too please.

Oops. Wrong sub.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly"

A man is on his death sentence and gets to choose his last meal.

So he asks the guard for a romaine lettuce salad, but the guard replies "You can only choose a meal, not how you want to die."

You must be single.

A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries. The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman was surprised & replies, "Yes, how did you know?" The clerk answers, "Because you're ugly."

A vegan invited my friends and I to a vegan restaurant....

the food really lettuce down.

I ordered the Club Salad for lunch..

I asked waitress "What all comes in the club salad?"

She said "Lettuce, turnip, the beat"

When I was in middle school, my "friends" used to force me to eat vegetables until I almost threw up.

They even started sending me pictures of vegetables on the internet, threatening to make me eat lettuce until I was sick. To this day, I still suffer from the effects of their rampant and traumatic fiber-bullying.

What do you call a Chicken with lettuce on its eyes?

Chicken Caesar salad.

A man sends some lettuce through the mail

A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.

The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".

What are the funniest lettuce jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Lettuce? Well, here are the best Lettuce puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Lettuce pick up lines to share with friends.

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