lets Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious lets stories

What are the best lets puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Lets? Well here is a complete list of the top lets jokes:

The costume party (Sorry if this is a repost. Best joke I know.)

A man, lets call him jim, goes to his buddys costume party wearing nothing but a pair of pants.
Jim's friend walks over to him and says "hey, jim... uh what are you supposed to be?"
Jim smiles and says "well im a premature ejaculation."
His friend looks puzzled and asks "okay, well why arent you wearing any shoes... or a shirt?"
Jim laughs and says "I just came in my pants!"


So a newlywed couple is in bed after their wedding day when...

The husband lets out a massive fart and the wife says " What was that?"
The husband responds "A game. Im winning 7-0" later the wife lets out a fart and says "7-7!"
The wife follows up with another poot and claims the score 14-7. Finally the the husband fart so explosively that he shits the bed. The wife says "What does that mean?"
The husband replies "halftime switch sides."


lost wife

Santa & Banta both lost their wives and were searching for them when they bumped into each other "Where are you hurrying to?" asked Banta

"I lost my wife!"

"Really? Even mine. How did yours look like?"

"hmm... She was tall, slim, had huge tits, sexy soft and sweet ass, she was wearing a mini skirt at last, What about you?"

"Forget mine lets search for yours!" replied Banta.


A pastor goes hiking

as he comes around a corner on the trail he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian." In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and stops where it is. It looks upwards and begins to give thanks: "Thank you Father, for the meal I am about to eat..."


Firetruck game

Boy: Lets play the firetruck game.

Girl: How do you play?

Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say, "red light" when you want me to stop.

Girl: Okay :)

*Few seconds later*


Boy: Firetrucks don't stop for red lights ;)


A husband and wife are talking about their relationship...

and the wife suggests they each pick one person that they can have sex with without the other getting mad. The husband agrees and lets the wife go first. She thinks about it for a bit and settles on Brad Pitt. The husband nods his head and says "The neighbor."


A Sadist, a Rapist, a Murderer, a Necrophiliac, a Pyromaniac, and a Masochist find a cat...

"Lets torture it!" says the Sadist

"YEAH, lets Torture and then we RAPE it!" says the Rapist

"YES!! Lets Torture and rape it then KILL it!" says the Murderer

"OH YEAAHH! lets torture, rape, kill and then RAPE IT AGAIN!!!" says the Necrophiliac

"YES! lets torture, then rape it, then kill it, then rape it again, and then BURN!! IT!!" says the Pyromaniac.

And the Masochist goes



Honey, let's get naked!

This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, "Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dining table and eat our dinner!"

As they sat at the dining table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!"

The husband says, "That is because you have your breasts in the soup!"


Arrows & Targets

A boy gets a bow & arrow for his 10th birthday. He walks outside and starts shooting his arrows. Later his father walks in on him and exclaims, "Wow each of these arrows landed in a target great job! Lets go out for ice cream!" So his father and he go out for the ice cream after it's finished his father asks, "how did you do it?" Then the son says, "It wasn't hard. I just shot arrows and drew circles around them."


What did one condom say to the other while passing a gay bar?

Lets go in there and get shit faced.


Why is Kim never satisfied with sex?

Because Kanye never lets her finish.


Best Jokes


Ok, so lets share our Christmas cracker jokes. Mine was awful.

A bottle of lemonade fell on a barmans head. Why wasn't he hurt? It was a soft drink.


What did one unemployed cancer cell say to the other?

Lets get Jobs!


Ambulance game

a boy said to a girl "lets play the ambulance game" girl asked "how do u play that?"
the boy said "i run my fingers up your legs and you say red light when you want me to stop"
girl "OK"
after sometime girl screams
red light
red light
ahh ahh red light
boy "ambulance doesn't stop at red light stupid"


How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Lets go ride bikes!


A chemist, a physicist, and an economist...

are all trapped on a desert island, trying to figure out how to open a can of food.

"Let's heat the can over the fire until the can explodes" says the chemist.

"No, no," says the physicist, "lets drop the can onto the rocks from the top of a tall tree"

"I have an idea," says the economist. "First, we assume a can opener..."


The difference between a Republican and a Democrat . . .

A Republican sees a man drowning 50 feet from the pier. He throws the man a 25 foot rope, and expects him to swim half way.
A Democrat sees a man drowning 50 feet from the pier. He throws him a 100 foot rope. Then lets of of his end.


A chicken and a egg

A chicken and a egg are sitting wondering which came first

Egg: "Well you must have obviously come second"

The chicken says "Really huh?"

Chicken: "Lets see who can fit up the others ass"

Egg: "....."

Chicken: "I thought so"


Jenga Towers

At Highschool we have a test every week and my teacher lets the person with the highest score bring in their favourite board game. For years, my favourite game has been Jenga, the falling towers game.

So on friday the 8th in the first week of September I finally get the highest score and the teacher tells me I can bring in a board game on monday.

mfw I walk into class on 9/11 with Jenga and I'm a muslim...


A policeman sees two boys, one with batteries, the other with fireworks

He charges the first boy and lets the other off.


Two guys were out hunting. . .

Two guys are out hunting and while they were walking one of them grabs his chest and falls forward

Panicked the other guy calls 911 and says I think my friend is dead . . .

The operator says "ok calm down first lets make sure he is dead."

It goes silent on the hunters end and then you hear a gunshot. . .

The guy gets on the phone and says "okay, now what?"


A Priest and a Rabbi See a 8yr Old Boy.

The priest says, "Lets Fuck Him." Rabbi says, "Out of what?"


Priest and a rabbi

A priest and a rabbi were walking down the side walk. On the other side of the street they see a 12 year old boy. The priest says "Lets go fuck him." The rabbi looks for a minute and then says "Out of what?"


So a small white guy...

Goes to prison for a wrong place at the wrong time crime. As they shut his cell door, he turns around and sees Bubba. Bubba says hey lets get one thing straight you wanna be the husband or the wife? The small white guy thinks for a minute and thinks I don't want to fucked in the ass... So he says to bubba I want to be the husband. Bubba says good...now get over here and give your wife a blow job!!!!


A blonde goes to the doctor

The blond says: "Doctor, doctor, look! Anywhere I touch myself it hurts!
-she continues to touch random places on her body she even pokes the doctor's nose and still she lets out a groan-
-The Doctor looks at her and thinks to himself and thinks, and then blurs out-
"Your finger is broken"


The word of the day is legs...

Lets go home and spread the word


My local college has a scheme that lets student earn their tuition by working in the on campus bakery.

The opportunity isn't open to everyone. It's run on a strictly knead to know basis.


Two whales were swimming in an ocean...

They notice a submarine and one of them says:
- Lets flip it over using our rain-blow
- Alright, lets do it

They successfully flip it over and one of them says:
- Lets swallow the sailors

To which the other whale replies:
- Dude, I'm here for the blowjob. Not to swallow the seamen


I have a superpower

I have a superpower that lets me move so fast that when I run all you can see is a quick fuzzy shape. I will use this power to kill former secretaries of the treasury. They will call me Aaron Blurr.


About a Russian fisherman

A Russian fisherman named Boris goes fishing one day.

He catches a goldfish, which says "Don't eat me! If you let me go, I'll grant you one wish."

Boris replies "Alright, I want to piss Vodka"

The goldfish grants his wish, and Boris lets it go.

When he comes home, his wife Natasha asks how the fishing went, but he hurriedly left for the bathroom. He took a glass from the kitchen first.

When he took a piss in the glass, he was amazed that his wish came true. He smelled it, and it smelled like vodka. He looked at it, and it looked like vodka. He tasted it, and it tasted like the best vodka in the world.

He ran downstairs and yelled "Natasha, taste this!"

She replied "It's amazing! Where did you get it?"

To what he replied "Ah, that's a secret!"

So this continues for a few weeks, when Boris comes to bed with only 1 glass of Vodka.

Natasha asked him "Why do you only have 1 glass, when there are 2 of us?"

And so Boris smiled and said "Natasha... Tonight you drink straight from the bottle."



A small crowd gathers at a bus stop. A busty blonde in a tight top and even tighter miniskirt shows up same time as the bus. Being a gentleman, a man lets her onto the bus first.

She goes to take her first step up the bus stairs, her legs are unable to take the step. The miniskirt was far too tight. Smiling apologetically to everyone, she reaches back to unzips the zipper a little. She attempts to step up the stairs, again, the skirt is still too tight. She reaches around her back, unzips the zipper a little. Smiling once more, she attempts to step up. Sigh, the skirt is still too tight, she reaches behind her a third time.

Two large hands grab her by the waist, lifting her up and placing her at the top of the steps. "Get your hands off me! How dare you touch me," she squealed.

"Ma'am, as much as I don't mind," the gentleman paused,"you were pulling down my zipper".



Three guys are at the gates of heaven. The angel Gabriel tells them that he has to know how they died before he lets them in. The first guy says "I came home to my apartment on the 4th floor to find that I had been robbed! I was looking around to see if the thief left any signs, and check out the damage, and I saw someone outside the balcony hanging for their life. Thinking they were the thief, I smashed their fingers with a hammer and they fell. Miraculously, they survived. So I pushed my refrigerator off the balcony and it fell on top of them and killed them. Realizing what I had done, I had a heart attack and died. Gabriel says "Well, you obviously were in shock, and you clearly were remorseful, so I'll let you in." The second guy says "I was doing pull-ups on my 5th floor balcony railing when I slipped underneath the rail and fell. Luckily I managed to grab onto the 4th floor railing and was hanging on for dear life when this crazy guy ran up and started pounding at my fingers with a hammer. I fell to the street below, but miraculously I survived. The last thing I saw was him pushing his fridge off the balcony, and it fell on me and killed me." Gabriel says "Although you were reckless, it wasn't your intent, so go on in." The third guy says "I was robbing this guys apartment, and heard him unlocking the door, so I jumped into the fridge."


Drunk Guy

Drunk guy goes to the coffee shop and tells the waiter "give me three coffees, one for me, one for you, and one for your f@king mother." the waiter lets it slide. Drunk guy orders again "give me three cups of coffee one for me, one for you and one for your f@cking mother." Waiter kicks his ass and brings him his coffee. Drunk guy calls the waiter again. Thinking he learned his lesson, goes to see what he wants. Drunk guy says "bring me two cups of coffee..." the waiter grins. Drunk guy ".... One for me and .... One for.... your f@cking mother, no more coffee for you because coffee make you lose control."


A man and his chicken...

Once upon a time there was a man, lets call him George. Now George had a pet chicken, and he loved this chicken to death. He did everything with his chicken, he walked with it, he talked with it, he even bathed with it. One day George decided he wanted to go to the movies, and decided he would bring his chicken along with him. So, chicken in hand, he drives to the movie theater. When he gets to the theater he buys two tickets. The employee who sold George his tickets ask "Who is the other ticket for?". George responds "Oh its for my pet chicken here". The employee then tells George that he can't bring a chicken to the movies. So being crafty George walks into the alley next the the movie theater and shoves the chicken down his pants, he then walks back into the theater and takes a seat. About half way through the movie he decides that the chicken could probably use some air so he unzips his fly. Sitting next to George were to woman and one says to the other "Oh my the man next to me just unzipped his fly!". The other responds "So what? You seen one you seen'em all!". And woman number one responds "Yeah but this ones eating my popcorn..."


Yuppie buys a house in the country

A Yuppie decides to buy a plot of land in the countryside and build a house. Unfortunately, his neighbor is an old farmer who likes to spread his cows' manure on his fields every time the Yuppie throws a backyard cookout.

So one day the Yuppie sees the farmer and lets him know that he's going to have one of his cookouts the coming Sunday, and asks the farmer if he could delay his spraying until the next day.

The farmer thinks about it for a second, and then replies

"Yup, I can certainly see how you city folks might be bothered by the smell of cow manure. But did it ever occur to you how my cows felt about the smell of your bar-b-que?


Hungry bats

Heard from my father- So there is this family of bats who are out of luck. Not a single prey in a week. Everybody is hungry and desperate for food and then one of the younger bats (lets call him Gary) shows up with his mouth dripping blood. Everyone is envious about Gary's catch and ask him where he made the kill. Gary denies getting any food. Everyone calls bullshit. After a lot of persuation, he gives up and asks everybody to follow him. He flies to one of the trees in the woods and says "Do you see that tree?"
"YES!!" roar the crowd in anticipation.. Gary turns around and says "Well, I didn't."


There was a costume part with the theme of being an emotion...

...As a guest arrives dressed in green, the hosts shouts out "Envy!", and lets him in.
A lady comes dressed in red. The host says, "Anger!" and lets her in.
A couple arrives only wearing the color blue, and the host says "Depression!", and lets them in. A little later, two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of pudding with his penis stuck in it, and the other guy has his penis in a hollowed-out pear.
"Wait a minute," the hosts says to them. "This is supposed to be an emotion party!"
The first guy says, "Yeah, and I'm fucking dis-custard."
The second guy says, "And I'm deep in dis-pear."


So a man walks into a bar...

He says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 that I can piss into that glass over there without missing a single drop."
The bartender looks at the glass and sees it's a good 10 ft. away so he said, "Young man, you've got yourself a bet."
So the man unzips his pants and lets loose. He's pissing everywhere. All over the bar, the tables, the bar stools, everywhere. The bartender is laughing with piss dripping down his face and he says, "Son, you just lost $100."
The young man seems to not care and tells the bartender to wait a second while he walks over to the pool table where a few people are playing and talks to them for a while. He comes back, sets the money on the table. The bartender asks him why he seems so happy that he lost the bet. They man says, "You see those guys over there? I bet them $500 each that I could piss all over your bar, and not only would you not be mad, you'd be happy."


A priest, a lawyer and a teacher with his students were on a plane

The plane was going through some heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the pilot got on the speaker and said the plane is going down. The stewardess broke the bad news: only 3 parachutes for the passengers. The lawyer said to the priest and teacher, "Perfect! One for each of us. Lets GO!"

Then the teacher screamed "What about the CHILDREN!?!"

The lawyer responded "Fuck the children!"

The priest coyly glances around "But... is there time?"


Harry's wife lets him go to the strip club for his b-day...

For being faithful to her and bieng a good husband. When they enter the club, A hooker comes over to Harry and says,

"Hey Harry, You want the usual?"

When his wife asks, Harry says that it is a co-worker, who must be working for extra money.

Later on they are approached by another hooker, again asking Harry if he wants his usual lap dance. Harry tells his wife that she must've mistaken him for a different Harry. The head for the bar, and the Barman says,

"Howdy, Harry! Vodka Martini, same as always?"

At last Harry's wife storms out of the bar in disgust, Harry following and trying to explain. Outside the club, the Doorman says,

"Bloody hell, Harry! You sure have picked up an ugly one this time!"


A blonde calls Customer Service sounding very angry...(OC)

She says "I Downloaded an App on my phone and now it gave me a Virus!!"

The Customer Service rep tries to calm her down.

"Calm down. What does this Virus do?"

"It won't let me go back to my home screen!"

"Alright, do you know what app you downloaded?" Asked the Customer Service rep.

"Toddler Lock!" Answered the blonde.


By the way, for iPhone users (And some Android..)

Toddler Lock is an app that lets you color and make shapes. It won't let you get back to the homepage or pull down the notifications until you tap the corners counter-clockwise. It's usually meant for toddlers.


The Pearly Gates and the Brothers

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 3 black guys arrive.

St. Pete looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."

St. Pete goes over to God's office and chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Pete: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Pete goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."

"Who. The black guys?" asked God.

"No. The Gates."


Grad School Interview

Ted Kaczynski was the Unabomber but very few people remember that he was also a professor at Berkley with his own graduate students. Here is a list of his interview questions for the perspective candidates.

1) How are you?

2) Did you find my office OK?

3) Are you a cop? Legally, I think you have to tell me if you are, right?

4) Good. Lets say you find that someone had accidently left, what I think most people would agree is a completely reasonable manifesto in the copier, what would you do?

5) Complete the following sentence; Snitches get…..

6) Using your geometry skills, fit these components into this rectangular wooden box.

7) Take this package to the post office…..this is a timed event.


manager told me this one at dinner last weekend

Working in the field of engineering, things can get pretty dull...so here it goes.

There once was a man, lets call him John, who applied for a position at Tyco to manufacture Tickle-me Elmos. He figured he would make the cut as he knew the hiring manager. John landed the job and was told he'd be needed right away.

John reports to duty the next day and is immediately greeted by a man storming out of the building who obviously just got fired. On his way out he tells the John "Watch out, sales are down...you might be next."

Once John reports to his manager(friend), he inquires about sales being down to which the manager responds, "Yes indeed, sales are down because quality has depreciated." John asks why and the manager says, "People aren't testing the Elmo dolls seriously, you need two test tickles not just one"


At the School of Meteorology one of the students approaches the professor after the lecture.

She starts asking questions about the lecture, and accidentally lets lets a fart got, no sounds but very smelly. The professor's face cringes, she notices this and quickly says: "Ehm, what's the weather going to be like this week?" Professor replies: "Shitty"


Lets play a game of Take It or Leave It...

Guy 1: Alright, let's play a game of Take It or Leave It. Basically what you do is I'll say an item and you say whether you want to take it or leave it.

Guy 2: Okay

Guy 1: A ferrari

Guy 2: Take it

Guy 1: A million dollars

Guy 2: Take it

Guy 1: A dick

Guy 2: Leave it, of course!

Guy 1: Wait, so you'd leave the dick in your mouth?!

(Feel free to do this to your friends xD)


Little johnny

Ms. Apple was teaching her class of first graders the alphabet. She was going around the room to each student and would ask them recite the alphabet.
When she saw little johnny was next she was prepared for the worst, as johnny has had a reputation for acting up.
She cautiously asks johnny to say the alphabet and he says, "abcefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz".
Ms. Apple is relieved, since this is the first day she has taught the alphabet she is surprised that he only left out one letter. She lets johnny know that he forget one letter. To wich johnny responds, "sorry ms.apple I didn't realize you wanted the d.


Cowboy and a Priest

So a redneck cowboy is driving down the road in his truck, in a rush to get to his girlfriends house. All of a sudden he sees a priest on the side of the road hitchhiking. "Ahh shit!" says the cowboy, "no matter how big of a rush Im in, i can't leave a priest out here hitchhiking" So the Cowboy pulls over and lets the priest in the car. "Thank you son, it sure is a long way back to the monastery from here" So the two of them continue down the road making small talk, when the cowboy sees another hitchhiker up the road but this one is a black guy. "Hmmmm" thinks the cowboy "I can't ignore someone in need with a priest in the car, but there's no way I'm giving that black guy a ride. I know... Ill pretend to fall asleep, drift to the side and run his ass over. It'll all look like an accident!" So the cowboy pretends to nod off at just the right time, and all of a sudden he hears a THUMP! "Oh my gosh, did I just hit that poor black man!?" the cowboy exclaimed. "No" said the priest, "you missed his black ass, but luckily I got him with the door"


What is a joke that never dies?

I haven't heard this joke in forever, (lets say since i was 5) and i heard it yesterday and it KILLED me!!!! As well as others in the classroom :) A man walks into a bar

ouch. XD



You've red some of the best lets jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about lets. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty lets gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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