A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
It's called 'Facebook'
He asks the clerk 'hello sir may I have a quart of vanilla?'
The clerk politely responds 'Im sorry we're fresh out of vanilla'
The man clearly disappointed says 'ah shucks alright I guess I'll just take a pint of vanilla'
The clerk slightly agitated states 'Sir we are completely out of vanilla. I don't have anymore.'
The man lets out a sigh and says 'ok ok fine I'll just take a cone of vanilla.'
The clerk gives him a blank stare for a moment and says 'sir spell the straw in strawberry'
'S-T-R-A-W'
'Spell the choc in chocolate'
'C-H-O-C'
'Ok now spell the fuck in vanilla'
'But there's no fuck in vanilla'
'THATS WHAT IM TRYING TO TELL YOU'
awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...
Meanwhile, Saint Peter and God are watching the wayward priest, and as he tees off God waves his hand and the ball flies straight and true all the way to the green, bounces once, and goes straight into the hole.
St Pete is confused and asks, "Why didn't you punish him?"
God responds "I did! ....who is he going to tell?"
Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.
A man, lets call him jim, goes to his buddys costume party wearing nothing but a pair of pants.
Jim's friend walks over to him and says "hey, jim... uh what are you supposed to be?"
Jim smiles and says "well im a premature ejaculation."
His friend looks puzzled and asks "okay, well why arent you wearing any shoes... or a shirt?"
Jim laughs and says "I just came in my pants!"
A man is driving across the state to see his wife when he sees a Native American hitchhiker on the side of the road. Thinking he could do with some company, he pulls over and lets the Native man in, offering him a ride home.
The Native man is grateful, but our driver notices that he keeps eying the large bottle of gin on the floor of the passenger seat. Not wanting the guy to get any ideas, he says "Ah, I got that bottle for my wife."
The Native man says nothing for a few moments, then softly replies
"Good trade."
But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.
The plane was going through some heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the pilot got on the speaker and said the plane is going down. The stewardess broke the bad news: only 3 parachutes for the passengers. The lawyer said to the priest and teacher, "Perfect! One for each of us. Lets GO!"
Then the teacher screamed "What about the CHILDREN!?!"
The lawyer responded "Fuck the children!"
The priest coyly glances around "But... is there time?"
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
Lets go ride our bikes
During the night when everyone in the bus were sleeping, one of the gay men got horny.
-Come on, lets do it!
-No, let's not.
-Why?
-Maybe the other travelling people will be bothered and awoken by it.
-No, they won't! They're all sleeping like pigs. Let me show you. ANYONE GOT A LIGHTER?" See, no one answered, because they are all sleeping.
-Alright, let's go.
The morning after, the trip leader asked the travelers if they had a good night of sleep. An old man in the back of the bus replied.
-No, I didn't sleep very well at all.
-Why not?
-I was freezing.
-You could've asked for a blanket.
-I was afraid to ask. There was a guy asking for a lighter, and he got fucked in the ass by someone for three hours.
So there is this border guard and one day he sees a guy crossing the border on his bicycle with two big bags over his shoulder. The guard pulls him aside for questioning.
"What's in those bags?" the guard asks.
"Just sand." the guy replies.
The guard opens up the bags and sees that is seems to be just sand so he lets him go.
The next day the guy comes back on his bike and again he has two big bags over his shoulder. Again the guard pulls him aside.
"What's in those bags?" the guard asks.
"Sand"
The guard opens the bag and finds nothing but sand. He looks a little harder bus still can't find anything wrong.
Over the next decade the scenario repeats over and over. The border guard knows something is up and tries more sophisticated methods to try and figure it out. Dogs, chemical testing, magnets, everything. He never finds anything illegal though.
Finally, the border guard retires. All his friends and co-workers throw him a big party at a restaurant across the border. While at the party, the guard sees the guy. He decides to go and talk to him.
"Hey, it's interesting seeing you here. I'm having my retirement party right now." the guard say to him.
"Congratulations, I just retired this week myself." the guy says.
"Oh really, what job did you have?"
"I was a smuggler."
"I knew it! Well, you got away with it. So please tell me. What was it that you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles"
The mechanical engineer says: "lets check the carborator, it's probably the carborator"
The chemical engineer says: "its most likely the gas line, lets check that"
The electrical engineer says: "no, it has to be the car's circuts"
The computer scientist thinks for a minute and says: "lets all get out of the car and get back in"
... and smoking a joint when a lizard sees him. "Hey man, what are you doing?" asks the lizard. "Nothing, just smoking some weed!", says the koala. "Can I have some?", asks the lizard. "Sure!" says the koala and lets the lizard have a few hits. They sit on the tree, smoking some weed and shooting the shit when the lizard's mouth starts to get dry. "Hey man, I'm going to drink some water because my mouth is getting dry", says the lizard. He then climbs down and goes down to the river to get a drink. A crocodile sees him drinking and asks him "Hey man, why are your eyes so red?" The lizard says "Oh, I was just smoking some weed!" The crocodile then asks the lizard where he got the weed from and the lizard says "I got it from the koala over in that tree." So while the lizard is drinking water, the crocodile walks over to the tree, looks up and yells "Hey man, can I get some of that weed?". The koala looks down, pauses for a bit and says "HOLLLLLLLLYYYY FUUUUUUUUUUCK DUDE! HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"
Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 3 black guys arrive.
St. Pete looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."
St. Pete goes over to God's office and chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to Pete: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"
St. Pete goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."
"Who. The black guys?" asked God.
"No. The Gates."
Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. In order to get in, he tells them, you must each produce something representative of the holidays.
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. This represents a candle of hope. Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. These are bells. He's allowed in too.
So, Peter says to the third man, what do you have?
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
What do these have to do with Christmas? asks Peter.
They're Carol's.
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
The lanlord!
he takes it home and sets it up in its aquarium, and lets it get settled in for a while. After a few hours the guy gets bored and goes up to the centipede and asks, "hey, centipede, you wanna go out and get a drink? check out the ladies? you know, just hang out?" But the centipede doesn't say anything. The guy thinks, "it must be getting used to its new environment or whatever," and he goes to bed.
The next day after work, the guy's watching TV and he gets bored, so he goes up to the centipede again and taps on the aquarium glass, and says "HEY, centipede, you wanna go out, get a drink, maybe check out the ladies? Just hang out or whatever?" and the centipede doesn't say anything. The guys thinks, "that's weird, i wonder if it's sick or something. i'm not sure how centipedes are supposed to act i guess." and he shrugs it off and goes to bed.
The third day, after work, the guy gets bored watching TV and goes to the centipede again, this time getting a little exasperated. "HEY! CENTIPEDE! Do you wanna go out and get a DRINK, check out the LADIES or something?" and the centipede yells back, "I heard you the first time man, I'm getting my shoes on!"
The student makes a call to his dad immediately: "I'm off tomorrow lets go to picnic!"
The dad makes a call to his secretary immediately: " I'm busy tomorrow, lets postpone our date to the next day!"
The secretary makes a call to her husband: "Honey, i'm not going out on a business trip tomorrow, lets hangout!"
The husband makes a call to the teacher: "Honey, my wife is off tomorrow, you don't come.
The teacher makes another call to the student: "Tomorrow we go to school as usual."
When he has everyone's attention, he grabs the alligator by the mouth, opens it, and let's it chomp down on his crotch. He counts to ten, then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle and it lets go. When the applause dies down, he offers $1,000 to anyone that can do that . The bar is dead quiet, and finally a little old lady raises her hand. I'll try it...but just don't hit me that hard on the head with the beer bottle .
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."What's the matter, Darling?"
"Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".
and he says, "I bet you $2,000 that I can sit on your bar stool, spin around and pee nto that shot glass on the other side of the bar.". The bartender says, "Okay, lets see it.". Then the man starts and he pees all over the bar without a single drop landing in the shot glass. The bartender just laughs and then the man pays him the $2,000. The bartender then asks why he took the bet if he knew he couldn't do it. The man replies "I bet the three guys over there that I could pee all over your bar and all you would do is laugh for $10,000."
Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh
............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
One day an old man decided to update his bedroom skills and surprise the wife, so he went to see a prostitute and asked her to teach him something new.
Prostitute: How about I teach you "69"?
Old man: What's that?
Prostitute: Just lay back and let me show you.
After getting into position, the man is really enjoying the new position when the prostitute accidentally farts.
Old man: What was that?
Prostitute: That was nogthing. Just keep going.
So they carry on a little longer until she lets another one really rip. This time the old man gets her off him and wants out.
Prostitute: What's wrong? Weren't you enjoying it?
Old man: I don't think I can handle another 67 of those.
...when the husband lets go a fart, and the wife says what was that?
the husband says that was a touchdown, 7-0.
about 5 minutes later the wife also lets a fart go and says its 7-7.
then a short while passes and the husband lets another ripper go and says its 14-7.
then the wife lets another one go right after that, 14-14.
then a couple minutes later the wife let a little toot go and says field-goal! 17-14.
The husband is laying there trying not to be outdone desperately trying to squeeze one out when all of a sudden he shits the bed!
The wife frantically says what was that?!?
The husband says it's half time, switch sides.
This guy's wife gets a cat and he hates it. So one day, while his wife is gone to work, the guy puts the cat in the back seat of the car, drives a few blocks, and lets the cat out. When he gets home, the cat's sitting there on the front porch.
So the next day, the guy waits until his wife leaves for work again, then throws the cat in the car, drives a mile away from the house, and tosses the cat out. When he gets home, the cat's sitting there again on the front porch.
Well, the guy's furious. So he waits until the next day, then throws the cat in the car, and drives as far and fast as he can, making all the turns and doubling back he can to throw off the cat. He dumps out the cat and heads home, but realizes he can't figure out where he is.
So that afternoon, his wife comes home and answers the ringing phone. It's her husband. He asks, "Is the cat there?"
She says, "Yes."
The guy says, "I'm lost. Put the cat on the phone."
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Rapunzel lets her hair down but I let everybody near me down.
The husband lets out a massive fart and the wife says " What was that?"
The husband responds "A game. Im winning 7-0" later the wife lets out a fart and says "7-7!"
The wife follows up with another poot and claims the score 14-7. Finally the the husband fart so explosively that he shits the bed. The wife says "What does that mean?"
The husband replies "halftime switch sides."
St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself.
St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.
St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly, because a royal flush always beats a good pair.
And lets out a gigantic fart.
The man angrily says, What the hell do you think you are doing? Did you know you just farted before my wife?
The drunk says, My apologies sir. I had no idea it was her turn.
Santa & Banta both lost their wives and were searching for them when they bumped into each other "Where are you hurrying to?" asked Banta
"I lost my wife!"
"Really? Even mine. How did yours look like?"
"hmm... She was tall, slim, had huge tits, sexy soft and sweet ass, she was wearing a mini skirt at last, What about you?"
"Forget mine lets search for yours!" replied Banta.
The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" The Jehovah's Witnesses look at each other and says to the houseowner, "We don't know what to say, we've never made it this far."
3 men go to Heaven. They are greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter says to the 3 men, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only 1 rule in Heaven. Do not step on the ducks. God loves his ducks more than anything else, and you will be punished if you step on a duck." Saint Peter opens the gates, and lets the 3 men in. When they enter, they immediately notice that ducks are everywhere. They would have to be very careful not to step on the ducks.
A few days go by. One of the men accidentally steps on a duck. All of a sudden an angel appears and handcuffs the ugliest looking woman he has ever seen to him. The angel leaves.
A few weeks go by, and one of the other men steps on a duck. Again, an angel appears and handcuffs an extremely ugly woman to him.
The third man is very careful to never step on a duck. 3 years go by, and he never steps on a duck. One day an angel appears and handcuffs the most attractive, beautiful woman the man has ever seen to him. Before the man can question it, the angel disappears. The man looks over at the woman and says, "I don't know what I did, but it must have been something good." The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck."
.
.
Sorry if this joke is really old. It is one my grandfather used to tell me this joke all the time. Just passing it along.
...and the teacher told them they would be dismissed after they matched the quote to the president. She starts with "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Johnny raises his hand, but Sally calls out "FDR"
"Correct!" says the teacher, and lets her leave.
She asks the next quote:
"If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong."
Johnny raises his hand again, but Sarah calls out "Abe Lincoln"
The teacher lets Sarah leave.
At this point, Johnny is getting pretty pissed off and says "I wish all these bitches would shut up."
The teacher asks "Who said that?"
Johnny yells "Bill Clinton" and runs out of the room.
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
A lady is throwing a party where each guest shows up as their favorite emotion. A guest arrives dressed in green. "Envy!" she says, and lets him in.
A lady comes dressed in red. She says, "Anger!", and lets her in.
Two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of pudding with his penis stuck in it, and the other guy has his penis in a hollowed-out pear.
"Wait a minute," she says to them. "This is supposed to be an emotion party!"
The first guy says, "Yeah, and I'm fucking dis-custard."
The second guy says, "And I'm deep in dis-pear."
They've been married for many years, and like a lot of married folk, they have a few inside jokes that they've come up with while married. A special one of these was calling sex, "doing the laundry."
So, one night, the husband, Fred, says to his wife Joanne, "Hey, lets do some laundry," while giving her a sly look. She says oh, my back hurts, I have a headache, etc. And Fred just shrugs and continues. Joanne calls back to Fred a few minutes later, "You know what, I'm feeling better. Let's do some laundry." Fred replies, "It was a small load, I did it myself."
I'll be here all night
After spending several hours wandering through the woods, Bob and Jim are thoroughly lost. Disorientated, they sit down to discuss what to do next. "Hey, I have an idea," says Bob. "If we each fire three shots into the air, someone will hear them and come to help us."
Jim agrees, so each of them fires their shots. An hour later, nobody has come to help, so they decide to fire three more shots. Another hour passes - still no one.
"Okay lets try this one more time" says Bob.
"Dude, this had better work," replies Jim. "These are our last arrows".
They spotted a whaling vessel overhead. The young whale turns to the old whale and says, "Hey, Mom! Thats the boat that killed father. Lets get it!" The mother turns to her daughter, nodding in agreement, and says, "Heres what we will do: I will swim directly under the boat and blow bubbles until the boat capsizes. Then you will come in and attack the sailors who fall overboard." The mother proceeds to swim under the boat and executes her part of the plan perfectly. As the sailors tumble into the water, the daughter yells in excitement, "Mom! Here they come, lets get them!" The mother shakes her head and says lovingly to her daughter, "No, honey, I gave the blow job, you swallow the seamen."
A lot of time went by and they were starting to feel a little horny. So one said to the other
-Man, i never had any gay sex before..not sure i feel comfortable about it..
-Ok, since both of us never had gay sex before and neither of us wants to get fucked, lets play a game. I will ask you a question, If you get it right, I let you fuck me. And if youre wrong, I fuck you. Deal?
-Ok, deal.
-What animal is small and furry and goes "meow"?
-A crocodile
-Correct!
One says to the other, "lets go in there and get shit faced"
A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he shytes in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
Nothing...it just lets out a little wine
Haven't seen this one posted before; apologies if I missed it. I heard this at least 30 years ago.
——
Sarah throws a fancy dress party with the theme emotions .
Her friend Alice turns up in bright colours and glitter. I'm happy! she announces, and Sarah lets her in.
Meg turns up next, dressed entirely in red with her hair spiked up. I'm angry . In she goes.
Then Phil and Dave turn up. Phil is completely naked except for a pear on his dick. Dave is also completely naked except his dick is in a bowl of custard.
What the fuck?! exclaims Sarah. The theme is emotions!
Exactly! replies Phil. I'm deep in 'dis pear and Dave is fucking 'dis custard! .
LETS GO RIDE BIKES
The man lets out a silent fart while the priest is talking.
He then says to his wife "I've let out a silent fart, everyone here will smell it. What do I do?"
His wife then says to him, "You get your hearing aids fixed"
Nothing.. It just lets out a little wine
"Father I am not a virgin anymore"
Father: "Wow that's great! Lets sit down and drink something celebrate about this moment"
Son: "Ok, I can drink with you but I can't sit"
The zoophile says "Lets get a cat and fuck it!"
The sadist sadist says "Yeah, lets get a cat fuck it and torture it!"
The murderer says "Lets get a cat fuck it and torture it and kill it!"
The necrophiliac says "Lets get a cat fuck it and torture it and kill it and then fuck it again!"
The pyromaniac says "Lets get a cat fuck it and torture it and kill it and fuck it again then set it on fire!"
Through all this the masochist has been totally silent so they all turn to him to see what hes going to say. He looks at everyone and says..."Meow!".
The father responds "would you fuck a random man for a million dollars"? The daughter replies " well of course"!
Father says "ok go ask your mom the same question".
The girl returns and says "mom said for that much money, definitely".
The father lets out a long sigh, "well sweetheart, here's the difference.. In theory we're millionaires, but in reality I'm living with a couple of whores".
They look to the left and see a doctor, a lawyer and a rabbi. They look to the center and see a farmer, a pastor and a cow. To the right they see a genie, a salesman and a judge.
The first man turns to his friend and says
"Lets get out of here. This place is a god damn joke."
A nun is taking a bath when someone knocks at the door.
She asks who it is, and the person says, "The blind man."
So she lets him come into the bathroom.
The man enters the room and says, "Nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blind?"
.
.
(from "The Vicar Of Dibley")
as he comes around a corner on the trail he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian." In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and stops where it is. It looks upwards and begins to give thanks: "Thank you Father, for the meal I am about to eat..."
A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:
-Rocky!!
The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more rip. The boy's father is getting nervous:
-Rocky!! be careful now!!
Worried no more the girl fires another one. Feeling exasperated, the boy's father yells:
-Rocky! Get out of there fast! She's gonna sh*t on you!
One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.
The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said..... "I declare myself to be on the outside."
... and as she bends over to look at a diamond ring she accidentally lets one rip.
Hoping that no one had noticed she motions the salesman over and asks him for the price on the ring.
He looks her square in the eye, grins and said " Lady, if you farted just looking at it then you will shit yourself when I tell you the price
There was this farmer who had a bunch of chickens but he couldn't ever get any rooster that would have sex with the chickens. So when he was in town one day, he told some people about his problem and one guy said, "I've got a rooster I can sell you, and he'll screw every last one of your chickens." The farmer says, "Okay, I guess I'll give him a try." So he buys the rooster, brings him back to his farm and puts him with the chickens. As soon as he lets the rooster out, he starts banging chicken after chicken after chicken. The farmer is happy that he finally solved his problem so he goes up to the house and goes to bed. The next day, the farmer goes down to the farm and the rooster is out on the farm screwing all the other animals. The farmer thinks to himself, "That damn rooster is going to fuck himself to death." So the next day when the farmer comes out to check on the farm, the rooster is laying down in the middle of a field on his back. So the farmer walks over to him bends over, looks at him and says, "I was right, you done went and fucked yourself to death." As soon as he says that, the rooster opens one eye and says, "Shhh, the buzzards are circling."
Tammy and Joe worked together at an office. One day, Joe walks by Tammy and says, "Your hair smells nice." Tammy thinks this is a bit odd, but lets it go. The next day, again, Joe walks by and says, "Your hair smells nice." Tammy is getting a little weirded out by this. The next day, it happens again, and Tammy's had enough. She storms to HR and says, "Joe is sexually harassing me! He keeps telling me my hair smells nice!" HR responds, "That's not really harassment. Why does it make you uncomfortable?" Tammy replies, "He's a midget!"
and is being driven in a Limousine. Having never drove one, he asks the chauffeur would he mind if he had a spin. The driver duly obliges and lets the pope take the the wheel.
Enjoying himself a bit too much, he sees a flash of blue before being pulled over for speeding. The officer approaches and when he looks in the window says: "Just give me a sec here."
Frantically he calls the chief: "Hey chief, I have a problem here, I pulled a guy over for speeding but I'm not sure what to do, he's a VIP"
"Well, who is it? If it's the mayor, just forget about it."
"No, he's bigger than the mayor."
"What, the president!"
"No, bigger than that."
"Well who is he?"
"I don't know who the fuck he is, but he's got the pope driving for him!"
My Alzheimer's lets me enjoy this site everyday
The English soldier says, "The English have phenomenal subs. We can stay under for a week without coming up!"
The Chinese soldier quickly replies, "A week! Our subs can stay under for a month, easy."
The American lets out a chuckle and says, "With our nuclear power subs, we can remain underwater for over three months!"
All of a sudden, a U-boat rises from the water and a man comes out. He asks, "Did we win the war?"
One day a male and a female whale are swimming along, when the male whale sees the whaling ship that killed his mother. He turns to the female whale, and says "I have a plan. Lets both take a huge breath of air, swim under that whaling ship, expel all our breath, and see if we can sink it." The female says okay, and they proceed with his plan, and sure enough the whaling ship sinks. But as the whales are swimming away, the male sees the sailors from the ship swimming away, he turns to the female and says "Quick, lets swim over there and eat those sailors." The female whale turns to him and says "Hey now, wait a minute, I was okay with the blow job, but there is no way I'm swallowing any seamen."
Boy: Lets play the firetruck game.
Girl: How do you play?
Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say, "red light" when you want me to stop.
Girl: Okay :)
*Few seconds later*
Girl: RED LIGHT!!
Boy: Firetrucks don't stop for red lights ;)
when he comes across a lone wolf rolling up a joint. He says to him:
"Hey wolf, that's terrible! Don't do that, come with me and lets run together." The wolf is bewildered, yet agrees to go.
So now they both run through the forest when suddenly they encounter a timid bear about to mainline some heroin. The rabbit shouts: "Stop bear! You don't want to do that. Come along with us, and we shall run together. The bear is hesitant but eventually caves in and joins them.
Now all three of them are running together when they come across a lion doing rails of blow. The rabbit says: "Hey lion..." And immediately the lion smacks the shit out the rabbit, and knocks him unconscious. Then he says: "This fucking rabbit makes me run around the goddamn forest every time he pops ecstasy!"
I saw a woman smoking with her baby in the car and it made me feel disgusted with the world we live in.
Who lets a woman drive?
they greet each other and sit down at the family table and begin to get to know each other. During the conversation, the boy feels something terrible brewing in his stomach and decides he can't hold it in anymore. he lets out a silent, but very smelly fart. The Father gets a whiff of the fart, stops mid-sentence and yells,
"Wilson!" while he stares at the dog who is sitting under the boy's chair.
"This is great!" the boy thought, i can fart all I want and he'll blame it on the dog. A few minutes later the boy feels another fart coming so he lets it rip. This time it was slightly audible.
"WILSON!" the dad yells, staring at the dog again.
At this point, the boy thinks it's hilarious that the dog gets blamed every time he decides to fart. A few minutes pass and the boy feels the mother load of all farts coming on. He decides to let it rip as loud as he possibly could and the whole family fell silent when they heard it. The Father looks down at the dog and yells
"WILSON! Get out of there before that kid kills you!"
A man (lets call him Doug. Doug was not a good man, but I digress) finds himself in hell and as he's walking around he notices Hitler and Stalin sitting at a table and arguing furiously about something. Being that he's in hell he thinks to himself "Fuck it, I'm in hell so im gonna see what has Hitler so up in arms." He walks over to the table, sits down and says "Whats going on here? Why the big fight?" Hitler looks up and says "During my time as fuhrer i killed 6 million jews and 3 clowns." Doug stops him and says "Wait why did you kill the 3 clowns?" Hitler gets a smug look on his face, looks over at Stalin and says "You see I told you nobody gives a fuck about the jews!"
...all of them die.
God, being the gracious being he is, decides to give them all one wish before he lets them into heaven.
Down the line they go:
"I wish I was beautiful."
"I wish I was handsome."
"I wish I was attractive."
....
This goes on for a while.
Finally, God comes to the last man. He's been snickering to himself the entire time in line.
God says, "Now sir, what do you wish for?"
Without missing a beat he replies...
"Make em' all ugly again."
and the wife suggests they each pick one person that they can have sex with without the other getting mad. The husband agrees and lets the wife go first. She thinks about it for a bit and settles on Brad Pitt. The husband nods his head and says "The neighbor."
A guy comes home from his job at the pickle factory, and his wife can tell he's got something on his mind. She sits him down and says, "Honey, you seem upset and not yourself. Is there something wrong at work? You can talk to me."
He lets out a long sigh, and says, "This is hard for me to say, and I know you won't understand, but I have this overwhelming urge to stick my dick in the pickle slicer at work. I can't stop thinking about it, and I'm worried that sooner or later I'm going to do it."
Taken aback, his wife pauses for a moment and says, "Ok, wow. I wasn't expecting that. Of course you know that that would be a really terrible idea, right?"
He agrees, the talk a little more and after a while, they let the matter slide. A few days later, he comes home from work in the middle of the afternoon. From his face, she can tell something bad has happened and she asks, "What happened? Why are you home so early?"
He sheepishly looks at her and says, "I can't believe it, but I finally gave into the temptation, and I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer."
Gasping, she asks, "So what happened?!"
"I got fired."
"No, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer."
"She got fired too."
"Lets torture it!" says the Sadist
"YEAH, lets Torture and then we RAPE it!" says the Rapist
"YES!! Lets Torture and rape it then KILL it!" says the Murderer
"OH YEAAHH! lets torture, rape, kill and then RAPE IT AGAIN!!!" says the Necrophiliac
"YES! lets torture, then rape it, then kill it, then rape it again, and then BURN!! IT!!" says the Pyromaniac.
And the Masochist goes
"Meow..."
"LETS GET READY TO MUMBLE!!!"
A German sits alone in a bar, drinking his sorrows away when a Korean walks in and sits right next to him. The German lets out a deep sigh in anticipation of the gloating.
Korean guy: Let's not talk about soccer, alright?
The German looks up: Oh... ok! That would be nice for a change.
Korean: Yeah, sure. How about some other topic? Let's talk about sex, shall we?
German: Alright!
Korean: So... WE FUCKED YOU GOOD, HUH?
Wife: "I'm gonna fire our chauffeur!!! He's such a pathetic driver, this is the third time he almost got me killed...."
Husband: "Dear, lets give him another chance."
One day, while visiting her and sitting by her bed, he sees her breasts rising and falling as she breathes. Seeing this gets him a little frisky, so her sees no harm in having a little feel.
So he reaches out, and give her right breast a little squeeze. As he does this, his wife lets out a slight moan. The man yells for the doctor, who rushes into the room.
"Doctor, she let out a moan!"
"That's great!" said the doc, "It's a good sign... do you know what was happening when she made the noise?"
"Well," the man responds, "I was actually just having a little squeeze of her right breast."
"Interesting," says the doc, "it must be the sexual stimulation. Try squeezing her left breast."
The man does as he is told, and she lets out a slightly louder moan.
"Amazing!" says the doc, "Ok, I think you need to take things up a level. I think you should engage in oral sex. I know it is an intimate activity, so I'll wait outside as you try."
The doc leaves the man to do his thing.
After a few minutes, the doc hears the wife flatline, and the man comes walking out of the room with his head down.
"What's going on?" said the doc.
"She died..." replied the man.
"What?!" said the doc, "What happened?!"
"Well," he replies... "she choked."
Beethoven: You guys want some symphonies tonight!?
Crowd: **cheers loudly**
Beethoven: I can't hear you!
(Slightly Racist - You have been warned)
Jose and Juan, 2 brothers, crossed the border to USA and had no cash. Their plan was to beg on the streets for some money. So the two brothers both got cardboard and made their own signs. Juan says "Lets split up, you go up the street, I do down, we meet here at night."
Jose agrees to the plan and heads up the street with his sign begging for money at a busy intersection. Juan feeling good about his plan goes down the street at another intersection and begs also.
By the end of the day, the 2 brothers meet where they started with all their money. Juan, still feeling good about his plan, shows his younger brother he made $40! While Juan is laughing, his younger brother pulls out $200 from his pockets.
Juan shocked ask his brother, "How did you make so much money?" His brother responded, "Read my sign." Jose's sign reads "Need $20 to go back to Mexico"
(My dad told me this joke when I was 10, I live in LA area)
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."
It lets out a little wine.
An old woman walks to the bank with two big bags, and one of them has a hole with lots of money being dropped. A policeman notices it and lets her know. Then, he asks:
"May I ask how you have that insanely big amount of money?"
"Of course! It's a nice story!"
The lady tells him her the story:
"A few years ago, a football stadium was built next to my house. This is very annoying because when there's a match, lots of people are shouting at the streets, and also, when the match finishes, some of them come to pee at my garden! That's why I started to do something: when there's a match, I hide in a bush, waiting for someone to come and pee. When they are ready, I show up with my big secaturs and I tell them: if you want to keep you manly parts, you'll have to give me all the money you have!"
The policeman then asks:
"Oh, ok, and... what do you have in the other bag?"
The old lady, with a big smile, says:
"Well, not everyone had enough money!"
This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, "Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dining table and eat our dinner!"
As they sat at the dining table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!"
The husband says, "That is because you have your breasts in the soup!"
For being faithful to her and bieng a good husband. When they enter the club, A hooker comes over to Harry and says,
"Hey Harry, You want the usual?"
When his wife asks, Harry says that it is a co-worker, who must be working for extra money.
Later on they are approached by another hooker, again asking Harry if he wants his usual lap dance. Harry tells his wife that she must've mistaken him for a different Harry. The head for the bar, and the Barman says,
"Howdy, Harry! Vodka Martini, same as always?"
At last Harry's wife storms out of the bar in disgust, Harry following and trying to explain. Outside the club, the Doorman says,
"Bloody hell, Harry! You sure have picked up an ugly one this time!"
A woman says to the doctor.
"Hey Doc, the last couple of days I've been having some sort of discharge."
"Alright, well lets take a look. Take off your pants and lay on the bed."
The doctor inserts a finger into her vagina and says
"Ok, how does that feel?"
The woman says
"It feels great, but the discharge is coming from my ear."
So a man wants to join an Alaskan biker gang and is told by the members he has to do 3 things to get in
1. Drink A fifth of jack
2. Wrestle a bear
3. Make love to an Eskimo women
The man slams the fifth and staggers to his bike and they drive off to the bear cave.
The man lets out a roar and charges into the bear cave. The bikers stand outside and can hear grunts and snarls coming from the cave.
20 or so minutes later the man then staggers out the cave, his clothes torn and covered in blood... He looks at the bikers and says
"Alright, where's this Eskimo women I have to wrestle?!"
...and lets in a tiny old Chinese man, who is waiting at the door for the bar to open. As he comes in, he nods to the bartender, saying, "Gimme a jigga, nigga!"
The bartender is fairly jaded to the racist world around him and says nothing, serving the old man a jigger of liquor. The Chinese man downs the drink and as he slaps the glass against the counter, says again, "Gimme a jigga, nigga!"
The black man pours the drink, shaking his head and dreaming of a world in which all men are equal. The Chinese man drinks the jigger down again, slaps the glass against the bar and says, "Gimme another jigga, nigga!"
The bartender is at the end of his rope now, and says, "Listen, buddy. I own this bar. You can't come in my place and use racist epithets against me and expect service. Come here," he says as he starts to take off his apron, "See what I mean." He hands the apron to the Chinese man, sets the guy behind the bar and walks outside so he can enter and return, pretending to be a customer.
He walks back into the establishment, steps to the bar, and says, "Gimme a drink, Chink!"
The Chinese man, polishing glasses and playing the part of bartender, looks up and says, "We don'ta serve nigga here."
God lets the bus driver in, but denies entry for the priest. The priest exclaims:
-Why was that man let in? He gambles, drinks, sheats on his wife and is a bad father figure to his kids.
I on the other hand have served you my entire life.
God replies:
-That might be, but when you preach, everybody falls asleep in the church. When he drives the bus, all the passengers pray.
Now they find themselves in a giant cauldron full of water over an open fire. The water is getting warmer and warmer and both of them realize they're done for. So they're sitting there not sure what to do when one of them lets out a chuckle. "how could you laugh at a time like this?" says the other one, "we're both about to die!".
"I know...but I just peed in their soup."
When suddenly, one of them gasps, grabs hit chest, and collapses on the floor, eyes open and non-responsive.
In a panic, the other hunter dials 911: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?!"
"Sir, please calm down. First of all, lets make sure he's dead"
There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard
"Okay, so now what?"
A small crowd gathers at a bus stop. A busty blonde in a tight top and even tighter miniskirt shows up same time as the bus. Being a gentleman, a man lets her onto the bus first.
She goes to take her first step up the bus stairs, her legs are unable to take the step. The miniskirt was far too tight. Smiling apologetically to everyone, she reaches back to unzips the zipper a little. She attempts to step up the stairs, again, the skirt is still too tight. She reaches around her back, unzips the zipper a little. Smiling once more, she attempts to step up. Sigh, the skirt is still too tight, she reaches behind her a third time.
Two large hands grab her by the waist, lifting her up and placing her at the top of the steps. "Get your hands off me! How dare you touch me," she squealed.
"Ma'am, as much as I don't mind," the gentleman paused,"you were pulling down my zipper".
A Russian fisherman named Boris goes fishing one day.
He catches a goldfish, which says "Don't eat me! If you let me go, I'll grant you one wish."
Boris replies "Alright, I want to piss Vodka"
The goldfish grants his wish, and Boris lets it go.
When he comes home, his wife Natasha asks how the fishing went, but he hurriedly left for the bathroom. He took a glass from the kitchen first.
When he took a piss in the glass, he was amazed that his wish came true. He smelled it, and it smelled like vodka. He looked at it, and it looked like vodka. He tasted it, and it tasted like the best vodka in the world.
He ran downstairs and yelled "Natasha, taste this!"
She replied "It's amazing! Where did you get it?"
To what he replied "Ah, that's a secret!"
So this continues for a few weeks, when Boris comes to bed with only 1 glass of Vodka.
Natasha asked him "Why do you only have 1 glass, when there are 2 of us?"
And so Boris smiled and said "Natasha... Tonight you drink straight from the bottle."
and flags a taxi. The taxi is extremely suprised to see the pope, and quickly ushers him into his cab. After a few minutes of silence, the pope says to the taxi driver "You know, being the pope, I've always have people drive me places, and I rarely get the chance to drive myself. Would you mind if I got behind the wheel for a little while?" Not wanting to say no to the pope, the taxi driver lets him drive. They get pulled over by the police soon after, since the pope was driving way over the speed limit. The officee walks up to the cab, is about to give them ticket, until he sees the pope. Not sure of what to do in this sitution, he calls his superior. "Sir, I just pulled over this guy for speeding, and he's *really* important. What do I do?" "Well who is the guy, the mayor?" "Nah, bigger than that" " Is he a movie star?" " No, way bigger than that" "Is he the president?" "No, he's bigger than that" "Well then who is he!?" "I dunno, but he's got the pope driving for him!"
Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."
"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"
"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."
A gorilla sees the lion bent over, and runs up and grabs him, then screws the lion up the wazoo. When the gorilla lets go, he takes off running, with the lion roaring and right on his heels. After a few minutes, the gorilla has been able to build up a bit of a lead, but he knows that although the lion can't see him, he is still being chased.
The gorilla spots a typical British camp in a clearing, and ducks into one of the tents. He puts on a khaki shirt, pants, and hat. He exits the tent and sits down in a chair, opening the newspaper and pretending to read it.
The lion comes charging through the camp and yells out, "Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla replies loudly, "You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"
Turning in the direction of the voice, the lion exclaims, "Oh my God - it's in the paper already?!?!"
A lady walks into a jeweler and spots a lovely diamond necklace. She bends over to take a closer look and lets out a very loud fart. The lady was very embarrassed but when she looked around, there was no one there but the manager.
The manager came over to the lady and asked "Can I help you with anything?".
The lady said "Yes, how much for this diamond necklace?".
The manager responded "Lady if you farted when you saw the necklace, you'll shit yourself when you see the price!"
When the engineer gets there, he asks the devil if he can make some changes. The devil says sure and lets him do his thing. Pretty soon, life in hell starts to improve and its not as bad as before. God notices and gets annoyed, he tells the devil that he has to give the engineer to him because hell is supposed to be bad and improvements aren't allowed. The devil refuses because he likes the changes so far. God says if he doesn't give him the engineer then he will sue.
The devil says "oh yeah? and where are you gonna find a lawyer?"
...As a guest arrives dressed in green, the hosts shouts out "Envy!", and lets him in.
A lady comes dressed in red. The host says, "Anger!" and lets her in.
A couple arrives only wearing the color blue, and the host says "Depression!", and lets them in. A little later, two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of pudding with his penis stuck in it, and the other guy has his penis in a hollowed-out pear.
"Wait a minute," the hosts says to them. "This is supposed to be an emotion party!"
The first guy says, "Yeah, and I'm fucking dis-custard."
The second guy says, "And I'm deep in dis-pear."
At some point he sees a man pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat. He stops him at the border.
"What do you have in this sack?"
"Sand."
"Well let me check."
The officer opens up the bag and indeed it's full of sand. He searches it throughly, but there's nothing else, so he lets the man go.
The next day the same man shows up, again pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat, and again there was nothing but sand in it.
After a few days of this playing out, the customs officer holds up the man a little longer.
"Listen pal, I've been in this job for 10 years now, I can recognize a smuggler from a mile away. I have no definite proof, but I know you have been taking something past this border and it's driving me crazy. Let's make a deal - you tell me what you are smuggling and I won't stop you any more. So what is it?"
And the man replied.
"Bicycles."
None. The glass ceiling lets enough light through.
Nothing it just lets out a little wine.
The woman takes him into a room and says, "We're going to try this position called 69. I think you'll like it."
He lies down on the bed. She gets on top and they start going at it. Everything is fine for the first few minutes, and then she lets out a huge fart, right in the guy's face. She apologizes and they get back to business.
A few minutes later, she rips another fart, bigger than the first one.
"Oh my god! I'm so sorry! Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," he says. "I don't think I can take another 67 of those, though."
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "seven points!".
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown! Tie score..."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
So a redneck cowboy is driving down the road in his truck, in a rush to get to his girlfriends house. All of a sudden he sees a priest on the side of the road hitchhiking. "Ahh shit!" says the cowboy, "no matter how big of a rush Im in, i can't leave a priest out here hitchhiking" So the Cowboy pulls over and lets the priest in the car. "Thank you son, it sure is a long way back to the monastery from here" So the two of them continue down the road making small talk, when the cowboy sees another hitchhiker up the road but this one is a black guy. "Hmmmm" thinks the cowboy "I can't ignore someone in need with a priest in the car, but there's no way I'm giving that black guy a ride. I know... Ill pretend to fall asleep, drift to the side and run his ass over. It'll all look like an accident!" So the cowboy pretends to nod off at just the right time, and all of a sudden he hears a THUMP! "Oh my gosh, did I just hit that poor black man!?" the cowboy exclaimed. "No" said the priest, "you missed his black ass, but luckily I got him with the door"
His father said to him
"To be a true Eskimo man you must do three things. Drink a whole bottle of vodka, kill a polar bear with your own two hands and then make love to an eskimo woman."
"Alright lets get started." The man says and he starts chugging the bottle. After a minute or two he finishes it. His father helps him up
"Now for that polar bear." His father says as he leads him out the door. They arrive at the polar bears cave. He stumbles in and after a few minutes his father hears the most violent screaming ever. After a few more minutes he he stumbles out of the cave bruised and bloody and says to his dad-
"Now where's that woman I gotta kill?"
A dad is waiting with his shotgun for his daughters' dates to arrive.
The doorbell rings and the father opens the door to the first young man who says "Hi, I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" Strange kid but harmless, thinks the dad, and he lets the boy in.
The doorbell rings again. The dad answers the door and the new young man says, "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" The father lets him in.
The doorbell rings for the third time. When the father opens the door, the date says "Hi, I'm Chuck..." KABLAM!
But at least they are silent and without any smell.
he gives her a pill and tell her to come back in a week.
after a week she returns and tells him "i still fart a lot but now they smell awful!!"
the doctor tells her "great... now that we fixed your smelling issue, lets address your bad hearing"
i am so so sorry.......
1: "Yo bro, lets cool off in the river"
2: "Hmm nah dude im good"
1: "Awh come on man, you aren't scared of a little water are you?"
2: "Um n-no, im not, alright lets do it"
So they both swim out into the river, but the 2nd man starts to struggle and thrash around
1: "Oh fuck, bro are you good?"
Through mouthfuls of water, the 2nd man says "yeah, fine!", but he was drowning in denial.
Three guys were standing around the golf course talking about how often they have sex with their wives.
The first guys says, "I'm lucky if I get sex once a month. and if we do its just regular old missionary style sex." The other two guys shake their heads in understanding.
The second guy says, "I get to have sex with my wife a couple of times a month and she lets me do it missionary and doggie style." The other two guys again shake their heads in understanding.
The third guy says, "me and my wife have sex every day." His two buddies look at him in amazement and one of them asks, "What kind of sex do yall have?" The guys looks at him and says, "We have hall sex."
His buddies look at him and one says, "Hall sex? I've never heard of that."
The guy looks at him and says, "When we pass each other in the hall we look at each other and say, 'Fuck You'."
A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store.
Young man: I am sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for my wife.
Old man : Sorry. I was also looking for my wife.
Young man: Well maybe we can look together. My wife is 24. She is 5'2". She has short black hair. She is wearing a pink tube top and blue Jeans. What does your wife look like?
Old man: It doesn't matter. Lets look for yours.
A boy gets a bow & arrow for his 10th birthday. He walks outside and starts shooting his arrows. Later his father walks in on him and exclaims, "Wow each of these arrows landed in a target great job! Lets go out for ice cream!" So his father and he go out for the ice cream after it's finished his father asks, "how did you do it?" Then the son says, "It wasn't hard. I just shot arrows and drew circles around them."
Heard from my father- So there is this family of bats who are out of luck. Not a single prey in a week. Everybody is hungry and desperate for food and then one of the younger bats (lets call him Gary) shows up with his mouth dripping blood. Everyone is envious about Gary's catch and ask him where he made the kill. Gary denies getting any food. Everyone calls bullshit. After a lot of persuation, he gives up and asks everybody to follow him. He flies to one of the trees in the woods and says "Do you see that tree?"
"YES!!" roar the crowd in anticipation.. Gary turns around and says "Well, I didn't."
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine :)
A man is standing naked on a street corner.
A cop walks up and tells him "Sir you can't be doing that here unless you have a good excuse, I am going to take you to jail."
Yes Sir I have a good excuse. I was at my girlfriend's apartment... we started drinking... next thing you know she jumps up and says... "Lets get naked and go to town. "
I guess I beat her here.
One hunter says to the other,
"DUCK! THERE's A DEER BEHIND YOU!"
The other hunter, however does not duck, and is subsequently shot.
He falls to the ground, and the shooter immediately calls 9-1-1.
Before the operator can say anything, he screams, "HELP HELP I THINK MY FRIEND IS DEAD!"
The operator says, "Well, first lets make sure he actually dead."
Another gunshot rings through the forest.
The hunter then says, "What should I do now?"
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven points!"
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha! I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Halftime, switch sides."
A man has three daughters and they all have dates on the same night. Now he's a protective father so he sets his shotgun by the door in case he thinks they're too shifty.
The first guy walks in and says, "Hey, I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo, is she ready to go?"
The dad thinks, all right, this guy seems okay and lets Flo go out.
Second guy comes and says, "Hey, I'm Freddy, here to pick up Betty, is she ready?"
Dad thinks, okay, this guy seems okay; so he lets Betty go.
Third guy comes in and says, "Hey, my name's Chuck-" BOOM goes the shotgun.
Last night My wife let me be on top.
I fucking love bunk beds.
He quickly exclaimed: Hell NO!!! She might get pregnant.
Im sorry if the english is bad but im translating this joke from the Spanish:
It's saturday night. The Flash wants to go out and meet some women, so he decides to go and ask Batman to come with him, he runs to the batcave and asks him:
- Hey Bruce! Lets go out to a club tonight and get some pussy!
And Batman answers:
- I Can't, Flash. I already told Robin I will give him driving lessons with the Batmobile tonight.
Angrily, Flash runs away from there and goes to Supermans house. He gets there and tells Superman:
- Yo, Superman! Lets get shitfaced at a bar and score some girls!
To what Superman says:
- I already told Lois i'll take her to dinner tonight man. Im sorry.
Flash is very angry now and decides to go to Wonder Woman's to see whats up with her. When he arrives, he finds her in the bed, completely naked, moaning with her legs sticking up, and always having wanted to have sex with her, in less than one second he takes off his clothes, nails her, and run away home.
Completely confused, Wonder Woman says:
- What in earth just happened?
And the Invisible Man answers:
- I dont know but my ass hurts like hell.
Lets go in there and get shit faced.
Ms. Apple was teaching her class of first graders the alphabet. She was going around the room to each student and would ask them recite the alphabet.
When she saw little johnny was next she was prepared for the worst, as johnny has had a reputation for acting up.
She cautiously asks johnny to say the alphabet and he says, "abcefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz".
Ms. Apple is relieved, since this is the first day she has taught the alphabet she is surprised that he only left out one letter. She lets johnny know that he forget one letter. To wich johnny responds, "sorry ms.apple I didn't realize you wanted the d.
Little Johnny asked his mom about her age.
"Johnny, gentlemen don't ask ladies that question"
Johnny asks his mom about her weight.
"Johnny, gentlemen also don't ask ladies about their weight"
So Little Johnny asks, "Why did daddy leave you then?"
"Johnny lets not talk about that." She then send Johnny to his room.
On his way to his room he trips on his mom's purse and there he finds her drivers license.
He runs back to his mom and proudly says, "Mom! I know all about you now! You are 42 years old, weigh 172 pounds and the reason why daddy left you is because you got an 'F' in sex!"
So I heard this joke when I was younger and was in tears of laughter so I'd thought I'd share it here, it could have been posted before but here it is for those who haven't heard it.
So a guy (lets call him Fred) with a speech problem goes into a hardware shop and asks for a fucket, staff is confused at first and realised he means bucket.
Fred then goes into a pet shop and asks for a cocker spankit, the owner is confused and realises he means cocker spaniel (breed of dog).
Finally, Fred walks into a bakery and asks for a bum, once again, staff are confused at first, but realises he means a bun of bread.
So as he is walking down the street with his newly purchased items his brand new dog runs off the leash and Fred runs after it.
A nearby policeman notices Fred and asks him "what's the trouble mister?" Fred replies, "hold my bum and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it".
The doctor is first. The guillotine comes down and stops halfway. The doctor immediately yells "This is God's will, I must not be killed". The executioner, not seeing anybody protest his claim, lets him go. The lawyer is next. He places his head down, and as the guillotine falls, it comes to a halt right above his neck. "This is an act of God," he exclaims, and is set free. Finally the engineer is about to be executed. He puts his neck down, and as the guillotine falls, yet again it stops right above his neck. He looks up and exclaims, "Hey, I see the problem!"
Tomorrow
Two people audition for the job, a man and a beautiful woman. The circus owner cautions them, "This is a very dangerous job, and my last tamer got eaten."
Neither are fazed by his warnings, and the owner lets the two try taming the lion. The woman goes first, and steps into the cage.
The lion takes a look at her and starts growling.
Just as the lion is about to run at her, the woman pulls off her coat, revealing her naked body.
The lion suddenly stops and begins caressing her body.
The circus owner is impressed and turns to the man, saying, "Can you top that?"
He responds, "Sure, but get that damn lion out of the way."
They decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient. They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
A cop shows up at a farmer's farm and asks if he can check his land for any illegal activities. The farmer tells him that is fine as long as he doesn't go to the field next to the barn. The cop gets angry and shouts at the farmer and takes out his badge. "YOU SEE THIS BADGE !THIS BADGE GIVES ME PERMISSION TO SEARCH YOUR PROPERTY FOR ANYTHING I WANT!" The farmer says ok and lets the cop check his land. About 10 minutes later the farmer goes to the field next to the barn where the cop is. The cop is being chased by a bull. The farmer runs closer and shouts "THE BADGE, SHOW HIM THE FUCKING BADGE!"
An old married couple were in bed one night, about to go to sleep. All of a sudden the old man passes gas, loudly. The wife, annoyed, says "what on earth was that?!"
The old man thinks for a second, then says "Fart Football. 7-nothing!" The wife grumbles and they both go back to falling asleep.
A short time later, the wife lets out a loud fart, followed but a tiny "poof" right after. The husband is amused, "well what was that?!"
"Touchdown with a two-point conversion! 7-8!"
Then, just a few minutes later, the wife lets another yet another small "poof". The old man asked "now what was THAT?!"
"Field goal!"
The old man, not to be bested at his own game, tries to work out the loudest, most offensive fart he can muster. He's pushing, and pushing... When all of a sudden... He shits his pants.
The wife bolted straight up in bed. "WHAT WAS THAT?!?"
The old man replied, "Half time! Switch sides!"
In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple:
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?"
"FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"
So they put out an ad for a new ringer, and on the first day a guy shows up for the job. He climbs the bell tower, and rather unexpectedly, he runs and jumps and hits the bell with his face. He continues to ring the bell this way for the rest of the time. The priest thinks it's weird but whatever, he lets him do his job. Within a couple of days, though, the man runs and jumps and misses the bell, falling to his death in front of the church. As the crowd gathers, someone asks "Who is that man?"
Someone else replies "I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell."
The next day the man's identical twin shows up to replace him as the bell ringer, and the priest hires him. He climbs to the top, runs, jumps, and misses the bell, falling to his death. Once again, the crowd gathers, and someone asks "Now, who was THAT guy?"
Someone else says "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
I was told this joke years ago, and I probably butchered it. The punchline still works, though.
A man wants to buy a dog. He sees an ad on Craigslist,
"Talking dog. Selling for $50"
The man, obviously not believing the ad, calls the owner and says he wants to see the dog. He goes to the house and the owner lets him in and tells him the dog is in the living room.
He goes into the living room, sees the dog and says, "So can you talk?"
The Dog says, "Not only can I talk, but I've lived an extraordinary life. I was an extra in many hollywood films, I was a bomb-sniffing dog in Iraq and I even went to Space as part of project for NASA."
The guy is stunned! He goes back into the kitchen where the owner is waiting and he says, "This dog is incredible, why are you selling him for 50 bucks!?!"
and the owner says, "Because he's a fucking liar!"
and a beautiful woman opens the door wearing lingere.
The woman pulls the mailman inside and begins kissing him and removing his clothes.
Confused but enjoying the situation the mailman lets the woman continue and have sex with him.
Afterwards the mailman puts his clothes back on and the woman hands him a single dollar. Confused he asks "what's the dollar for?".
The woman says "well I asked my husband what we should get the mailman for christmas and he said 'screw him, give him a dollar'".
So a man who who has just died was judged, and sent to hell. When he got there, the Devil stated that there were three doors, each leading to a different punishment, you were set free once someone else picked your door. Behind the first door was one of Satan's demons lashing a man with whips and chains. So the man said " I don't like this one." Behind the second door was a child doing very painful looking stretches that would never start to feel better. The man said, "It's better, but lets see the third door, and it is a poor little child." Behind the third door, it was dark, and rather warm. All the man saw was Bill Clinton and a women (who was very pretty) going at it. So the man thought to himself, "Wow, they call that punishment?!" Then stated to the Devil, "I choose the punishment behind room 3!" The devil replies, "Alright then, you there, behind door three, get your sh*t and get out, your free." A few moment's later, from behind door 3, walks out a beautiful women.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?".
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster".
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box and then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster". He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then"....... he sighed and said, "Third... lets put all these Cornflakes back in the box"
Because Kanye never lets her finish.
Come on. Lets go to lunch. My treat.
... and his little nephew Timmy answers the phone. The man says, "Can I talk to your daddy?"
Timmy says, "No, he's busy."
The man says, "Can I talk to your mommy?"
Timmy says, "No, she's busy too."
The man says, "Well is there anyone else at the house?"
Timmy says, "Yeah, the police."
The man becomes alarmed and says, "What's wrong? Can I talk to one of the policemen?"
Timmy says, "No, they're all busy."
The man gets frustrated and says, "Why is everyone so damn busy?"
Timmy lets out a hushed giggle and says, "They're looking for me!"
hanging on the wings of an airplane. 5 on one wing, and 6 on another, and due to this, theres an imbalance and the plane will crash. So they all decided that one of the blonde has to let go, so the wings are balanced.
After a lot of discussion, one brave blonde decides that she'll sacrifice herself for the others. She lets go, and the rest of the 10 blondes start clapping, applauding her for her bravery.......
Hope you guys like it, nd sorry if its a xpost.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.
Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia."
"Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard.
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia."
"Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"
"It's John."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York."
"Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door.
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas!"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas?"
"FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"
Six nuns are washing themselves all together when the doorbell rings.
One nun goes to the door and says 'who is it?'
An elderly gentleman replies "It's the blind man from the village" so the nun shouts to the others, "don't worry it's just the blind man from the village, I'll let him in."
She lets him in and goes "how can we help?"
The gent replies "I'm just going to go measure your blinds, but nice tits"
Canadian: Lets watch a movie.
American: Have you seen Titanic?
Canadian: What's that about?
American: Yes, it was. A big one that sank.
A farmer insists on vetting his daughters' boyfriends before they're allowed out on dates. One night, a young man appears at the front door, and says to the farmer, "Hello, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" and the farmer lets them go. A second young man comes to the door, and says, "Hi, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?" and off they go. Then a third young man appears and says, "Hi, I'm Tucker..." and the farmer shoots him.
lets move onto the cotton candy in the attic.
On their walk they pass a bar and they decide to go in for a drink. The first woman walks into the bar with her poodle and is stopped by the bartender.
Bartender- You can't have that dog in here.
Woman 1- Its my guide dog. She says as she puts on her glasses.
The bartender apologizes and lets her through. Seeing how easily her friend got through woman 2 puts on her glasses and walks in with her chihuahua.
Bartender- You can't have that dog in here.
Woman 2- It's my guide dog.
Bartender- Since when do they use chihuahuas as guide dogs?
Woman 2- They gave me a fucking chihuahua?!
An older couple is spending time up in the bedroom before turning in for the night. Hubby's reading the paper while his wife is checking herself out in the mirror. Every few minutes, she lets out with a little- "Ooooh!" and "Awww!"
Finally, the husband can't concentrate and puts the paper down.
"Whaaaat? What the hell is going on with you over there?"
"Tsk... it's just that every time I look in the mirror lately, all I see is that I'm getting older and fatter and uglier every day!", she says, pouting. "I could really use a compliment right now."
The husband looks her up and down and says- "Well, there's absolutely nothing wrong with your eyesight!"
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Lets? Well, here are the best jokes about Lets to have fun with.