Let Me Show You Something Jokes

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Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...
As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...
As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"
Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"
So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"
The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"
Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...
The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"
Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"

Jewish Business

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5"
The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

An experienced customs officer is having a shift on the border

At some point he sees a man pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat. He stops him at the border.
"What do you have in this sack?"
"Well let me check."
The officer opens up the bag and indeed it's full of sand. He searches it throughly, but there's nothing else, so he lets the man go.
The next day the same man shows up, again pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat, and again there was nothing but sand in it.
After a few days of this playing out, the customs officer holds up the man a little longer.
"Listen pal, I've been in this job for 10 years now, I can recognize a smuggler from a mile away. I have no definite proof, but I know you have been taking something past this border and it's driving me crazy. Let's make a deal - you tell me what you are smuggling and I won't stop you any more. So what is it?"
And the man replied.

First day at McDo

So, since it's your first day we start with something easy: here is the broom, swipe the floor please.
But I have a major in gender studies!
Ah sorry, didn't know that. So let me show you first how to use the broom...

Any legal experts here?

So there is an expensive international Amphibian Show. You have been preparing for this show all year, and you have one main prize frog and another frog you just have as a backup insuring against the first one being hurt or something. The day comes, but now this first frog gets injured so you are trying to decide in letting the first frog compete anyway, or to use the backup frog. You make the final decision of using the second frog, no backsies.
Are you then committing international insurance frog?

Jesus and Moses return to earth for a vacation.

They are walking around a lake, and Moses says, "Well J-Naz, it has been a hot minute or two, but let's see if we can still perform miracles." Moses raises his arms, and the waters in the lake part, showing a dry pathway on the bottom of the lake.
Jesus says, "That's pretty gnarly Momo, I bet I can still walk on the water." Jesus steps on the lake and sinks immediately. He tries six more times, and each one is a failure. Finally, Jesus, soaking wet, sits on the bank of the lake and says, "I just don't get it. You were able to perform your miracle with ease. Why can't I?"
Moses replies, "I bet it has something to do with the holes in your feet."

"Ok children, lets play a guessing game..."

"Ok Jimmy", said Ms. Par, " I have something behind my back that is round, orange and is a piece of fruit, what is it?"
"That's easy" says Jimmy, "Its an orange!"
"Nope, its a tangerine, but it shows you're thinking."
Jimmy holds up his hand and says " Ok Ms. Par, I have one for you." the kid reaches into his front pocket and says, "In my hand is something stiff, with a red tip and is about one inch long. What is it?"
"JIMMY!!!!!" exclaims the teacher
The kid smiles, takes his hand out of his pocket and says
"Nope, its a match.... But it shows your thinking!"

Three man die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven . . .

. . . where they are met by Saint Peter.
''In order to get in,'' He tells them, ''you must each produce something representative of the holidays.''
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. '' This represents a candle of hope.'' Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. ''These are bells.'' He's allowed in too.
''So,'' Peter says to the third man, ''what do you have?''
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red p**....
''What do these have to do with Christmas?'' asks Peter.
''They're Carol's.''

Entrance to Heaven

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. In order to get in, he tells them, you must each produce something representative of the holidays.
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. This represents a candle of hope. Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. These are bells. He's allowed in too.
So, Peter says to the third man, what do you have?
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red p**....
What do these have to do with Christmas? asks Peter.
They're Carol's.

An old woman walks to the bank with two big bags...

An old woman walks to the bank with two big bags, and one of them has a hole with lots of money being dropped. A policeman notices it and lets her know. Then, he asks:
"May I ask how you have that insanely big amount of money?"
"Of course! It's a nice story!"
The lady tells him her the story:
"A few years ago, a football stadium was built next to my house. This is very annoying because when there's a match, lots of people are shouting at the streets, and also, when the match finishes, some of them come to pee at my garden! That's why I started to do something: when there's a match, I hide in a bush, waiting for someone to come and pee. When they are ready, I show up with my big secaturs and I tell them: if you want to keep you manly parts, you'll have to give me all the money you have!"
The policeman then asks:
"Oh, ok, and... what do you have in the other bag?"
The old lady, with a big smile, says:
"Well, not everyone had enough money!"

There once was an old cathedral in rural England...

There once was an old cathedral in rural England. It was near a small village and most of the people that lived there attended church every week. This was a sad time for the people of this village, as the much beloved bell ringer for the church had fallen ill and died.
The head minister of this cathedral had taken the death quite hardly, as he had been good friends with the man. Reluctantly, he put up a notice in the village square that they would be needing a replacement bell ringer. He knew that a man for the job was needed before the f**... of the old ringer.
Now, the day after notice was posted, the minister was in his study reading when a young man no older than 20 walked in. The minister looked up and asked, "What can I do for you, young man?"
The man, visibly eager to speak, replied, "I'm here about the posting you've made. I want to be the next bell ringer." There was an enthusiasm on this man's face that caught the minister's attention.
The minister, somewhat recognizing this enthusiasm, inquired, "Well that may be something we could discuss. But first, I must know, have I seen you here at the church or around town? You seem rather familiar."
"No, sir, I don't believe we've met before," the man replied.
"Ah, well then, it's very nice to make your acquaintance," said the minister. He reached out to shake the young man's hand, when he noticed something very out of the ordinary. The man had no arms! The minister pulled back his hand and apologized for the gesture.
"It's no problem, sir, I've been without them for my whole life, I'm quite used to that." The man redirected the conversation back to the job. "Now, I'd really like to talk about becoming the next bell ringer!"
The minister, slightly taken aback, wondered whether the armless man was serious. "My dear boy, surely you must be joking. You've got no arms! I mean no offense, but there is no way you could pull those heavy ropes to ring the bells."
The young man still had an eagerness about him, insisting that the minister give him a shot. "I can do it, let me show you! Please sir, I know I can do it. Come with me up the bell tower and I'll show you!"
At this point, the minister was wondering whether the man had some sort of brain damage as well. There was absolutely no way a man with no arms could ring those bells. But, being the generous man that he was, the minister decided to at least humor the man and go up into the bell tower with him.
Once they reached the top of the tower where the bells were held, the minister asked how the young man was going to ring them. "Like this," he simply replied with an odd smile on his face. The man took some step back towards one open arches that made up the bell tower, disregarding the ropes that hung next to him. He began walking slowly, then burst into a sprint, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell.
The minister couldn't believe it. This armless man had just mad the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard come out of that bell. Astounded, he turned to the man and exclaimed, "Dear boy, did you really just do that?"
Unfazed, the young man responded excitedly, "Yes sir! Would you like me to do it again?" Without waiting for an answer, the man once again stepped back to the arch, took a running start, jumped, and smacked his forehead against the bell.
Now, the minister was truly speechless. Although his previous thoughts about brain damage were almost certainly proven, he simply could not believe how beautiful the sound was that the bell made. He looked at the man, seeing no sign of harm to his head, but only a smile that showed how confident he was. The minister then made the final decision to make this young man the next bell ringer.
A few days had passed, and it was time for the f**... for the former ringer. Nearly the entire village showed up to mourn his passing. As the f**... dragged on as only funerals can, the newly appointed ringer made his way up the tower to give the bells a good BWONG-ing after the final eulogy had ended. This was his biggest break, his chance to show the entire village that he could be a great ringer. The excitement from that first day had swelled up until this point.
He listed for the sound of the last "Amen" from the congregation. It was his time now. The armless man closed his eyes to take it all in. After a deep sigh, he took some steps back, broke into a run, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell. Then, to his surprise, he tripped on a large old nail as he landed, stumbled toward one of the arches, and, unable to balance himself, fell out of the tower to his death.
The f**...-goers heard this strange sound and all rushed outside to see what was the matter. To their surprise, they found the newly appointed ringer dead on the ground. The crowd began talking among themselves, wondering who knew this man and whether any of his family was present. One man thought he had recognized the deceased man earlier with a family, but couldn't quite put his finger on it whether it was him or not. Everyone could agree that this man looked familiar.
As the minister finally reached the body through the crowd, he knelt down and wept beside him. A woman in the crowd asked, "Father, did you know who this man was?"
"No," he solemnly answered, "but his face sure rang a bell."

Scientists decide they don't need God.

Some time in the future, not to terribly long from now there is a big scientist convention. At this convention they decide that there is no need for God anymore, scientists can do everything that God can do. So they choose a delegate to find God and inform Him of their decision and kindly ask Him to go do something else.
The delegate sets out in search for God. For forty years he wanders the world exclaiming out loud, "God!! Where are you, we need to talk." Eventually God gets tired of this guy's haranguing, takes pity on him. He forms a body and goes before the scientist.
"God, " trembles the scientist, "I've been chosen to tell you that since people can do everything you can do, we don't need you anymore."
"Really," says God.
"Yes. We can make new animals from base materials, change matter to energy, control the weather, heal illnesses and injuries. I could even make a person."
"Okay," says God, "let's have a little test, Show me that you can make a man." God and the scientist are suddenly surrounded by all the apparatus of a modern laboratory.
The scientist agrees, and reaches down to pick up a handful of dirt.
"STOP." shouts the Lord. "You get your own dirt!"

There were two elderly people living in a nursing home...

Let's call them Fred and Ethel. Now both Fred and Ethel were widowers and got quite lonely. They would just go about their day, seemingly down all the time because their companion was no longer with them. Both of them would just stare vacantly at the tv watching reruns of older shows. One day, Fred walks up to Ethel and says, "Would you like to watch tv together?" Ethel looks up with a smile and says, "Yes."
While they are watching tv, Fred asks Ethel if she would put her hand on his lap. He says that by doing this they can both feel that long lost connection of another human being. Ethel obliges but states that in no way would it lead to s**... or anything of that sort. Fred seems fine with the arrangement. A week goes by and they watch tv together that way when one day Ethel succumbs to pneumonia. She is taken to the hospital and given antibiotics. She returns a week later to find Fred watching tv with another woman, Ruth.
Devastated, she walks up to Fred and exclaims, "I can't believe this is happening. I thought we had something special Fred." Fred stammers out an apology. Ethel asks, "What is it that she has that I don't, Fred?" to which he replies, "Parkinson's."

So, a mother takes her daughter to a doctor...

A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother asked the
doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and
I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, "Madam, I
believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little girl has never
even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She turns to the girl and
said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as kissed a man!"
The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently
he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued staring
until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this
happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one
was going to show up."

A young man shows up... pick up a girl, Carrie, for their first date. When he rings the doorbell, Carrie's father answers the door and says, "Carrie is still getting ready, but she'll come downstairs in a few minutes. Why don't you come in and tell me what your plans are for this evening?"
The young man replies, "Well, sir, I guess I just figured we'd go to a soda shop or see a movie or something."
To which the father replies, "Well, those are nice ideas, but you know what Carrie really loves? She loves to screw. Why, she'd screw all night if you let her. Why don't you two do that?"
To which the young man delightedly replies, "Well, yes, that sounds like a great idea!"
Just then Carrie comes down the stairs and the couple leaves.
A few minutes later she bursts back into the house, slams the door and yells, "d**... Daddy, it's called the twist!"

Talented Pets

A t**... goes into a bar and says to the barman 'Gimme a shot of your finest whiskey and I'll show you something amazing.'
The barman agrees and the t**... pulls out a hamster from his pocket and puts it on the piano stool. The hamster then begins to play the most incredible music that anyone in the bar had ever heard.
The t**... gets his shot of whiskey and says 'Another shot of that whiskey for something even more amazing'
The barman agrees and the t**... pulls out a frog, and places it on top of the piano. The frog starts to sing along with the hamster in the most beautiful tenor voice, cadencing perfectly with the hamster.
As the barman is pouring out the whiskey a man comes over to the t**... and says 'I'll give you $10000 for that frog, right here.' The t**... agrees and pockets a check while the man walks away with his frog. Meanwhile, the barman looks in disbelief and says to the t**... 'What're you doing? Those two could've made millions, let alone $10000.' The t**... turns to the barman and says 'Ah, but what he doesn't know, is that the hamster is also an excellent ventriloquist'

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

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