JokoJokes

Let Me Guess Jokes

131 let me guess jokes and hilarious let me guess puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about let me guess that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Let Me Guess Short Jokes

Short let me guess jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The let me guess humour may include short guessing game jokes also.

  1. I believe every child should be given a chance... ...and that's why if they can guess the number I'm thinking of, I'll let them go...
  2. I tried to cheer my mentally challenged friend up... ...but I guess I shouldn't have said "Don't let an extra chromosome get you down."
  3. Last night i was in bed with my girlfriend, she said "turn the light out and put it in me!" It was still hot! Guess I should have let the bulb cool down first!
  4. I let my goats get whatever they want, they are spoiled rotten I guess you could say I have a bleeting heart
  5. I got fired from my job for assuring my clients that I will never let them down I guess being an elevator operator isn't my forte
  6. A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck... Bar tender looks at him and says, "I guess I'll let you hang out but you better not start anything."
  7. So, this fortune teller came in to buy a sweatshirt, but we were out of her size... Let me guess. She's a medium?
  8. My son got sent home from school today.. My son got sent home from school today for letting a female student jack him off
    Thats the third school this month.
    I guess teaching might not be for him.
  9. If you made a guess, would google be male or female? Definitely a female, she won't let you finish a sentence without trying to finish it for you!
  10. My mom and dad insist that i pay them for letting me stay in their basement I guess thats why they're called PAYRENTS

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Let Me Guess One Liners

Which let me guess one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with let me guess? I can suggest the ones about hard to guess and easy to guess.

  1. I don't hear people talk about beyblade anymore.. Guess they've just let it r.i.p.
  2. Let's play Clue: Royal Edition I'm guessing Charles, with a pillow, in the bedroom.
  3. I stopped using my Bayblades I guess I.... let them RIP
  4. Guess what stores are opening in Afghanistan? Targets.
    I'll let myself out.
  5. I guess I support Jim Crow Laws. Cause I let black guys come in the back.
  6. I keep getting let down I guess that's why they call it depression
  7. The airport bar wouldn't let me open a tab... I guess they thought I was a flight risk

Let Me Guess Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about let me guess you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hey guess what jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make let me guess pranks.

Three people get arrested and are taken into holding for questioning.

The officer talks to the first girl, asking, "What's your name?" She says, "Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He asks the second girl, "What's your name?" She responds with, "Yo Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He talks to the guy and says, "Let me guess, your name is Yo Yo Yo." The guy replies with, "No, it's Bubbles."

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game.

Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so. "I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!" They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half. They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister. "I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

One morning a boy walks in to class late
His substitute teacher asks him "Where have you been"
He replies "Throwing pebbles at a car"
15 minutes later a girl walks in the teacher asks 'where have you been' she answers "throwing pebbles at a car"
2 hours later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty the teacher asks "Let me guess you were throwing pebbles at a car" she answers "No miss, I am pebbles"

A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, "Where have you been?"
The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill."
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, "Where have you been?"
The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill."
Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, "Where have you been?
Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill." and the girl says, "No, I am blueberry hill."

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.


Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.
She took my hand and took me to our bedroom.
The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over.
She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.
And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”
The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
“Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?”
“Yes. Speaking.”
AEC guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!”
“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.
“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy.
“What are you saying? It’s in your files. HOW?”
“Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.”
“GOD! This is too much.”
“Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.”
“I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.”
That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
“What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.
“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC, “It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”
“PAY you? And if I refuse?”
“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”
“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.
“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.
He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

A woman pregnant with triplets goes into a grocery store and gets shot 3 times in the stomach during a robbery...

She is rushed to the hospital and all known tests are run on her. The doctor approaches her and tells her the children are all fine, but it's too late in the pregnancy to safely remove the bullets. They would fall out in their own time.
The woman gives birth to 3 healthy kids. Two girls, and a boy.
16 years later, the first little girl comes running in yelling "mommy mommy! I was peeing and a bullet fell out!"
The mother reassures her daughter and explains the story to her.
The next week, the second little girl comes running in yelling "mommy mommy! I was peeing and a bullet fell out!"
So again, the mother reassures her daughter and explains the story.
The next week, the boy comes in distraught. There are tears running down his face and he is crying hard.
The mother takes a look at him worried and says "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet fell out?"
The boy responds "no! I was m**... and I shot the dog!"

Yikes, I guess no one is safe.

Doctor Dave had s**... with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
Dave, don't worry bout it. You aren't the first doctor to have s**... with his patient, and you wont be the last…and your single to…let it go!
but invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.
Dave, Dave, Dave…
…You're a veterinarian…

Another blonde joke.

A blonde has her hair dyed brown. A few days later she's out driving through the countryside when she stops her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she says to the shepherd, If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one? The shepherd agrees, so the blonde thinks for a moment and says, 352. The shepherd is amazed, You're right! Which sheep do you want? The blonde picks the cutest animal. The shepherd says to her, Okay. How's this for a bet? If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?

3 Men walk into a bar.

They all walk into the bathroom. 1 guy comes out and the bartender ask "What where you guys doing in the bathroom?" The man said "blowin bubbles." The bartender just shrugs. The second man comes out and the bartender ask "What are you and your friends doing in the bathroom?" The man said "Blowin bubbles!" the bartender wondered but also shrugged it off. The third man walks out and the bartender says "Let me guess, your blowin bubbles?" The man hesitated and then said "No sir, I am bubbles."

A young man shows up...

...to pick up a girl, Carrie, for their first date. When he rings the doorbell, Carrie's father answers the door and says, "Carrie is still getting ready, but she'll come downstairs in a few minutes. Why don't you come in and tell me what your plans are for this evening?"
The young man replies, "Well, sir, I guess I just figured we'd go to a soda shop or see a movie or something."
To which the father replies, "Well, those are nice ideas, but you know what Carrie really loves? She loves to screw. Why, she'd screw all night if you let her. Why don't you two do that?"
To which the young man delightedly replies, "Well, yes, that sounds like a great idea!"
Just then Carrie comes down the stairs and the couple leaves.
A few minutes later she bursts back into the house, slams the door and yells, "d**... Daddy, it's called the twist!"

Deer Season

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, here I am.

A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot

with three bullets to her w**.... Miraculously she and all her children survived. However, a bullet had embedded in each of the three children. The doctor decided it would be best to leave the bullets. A few months later she gives birth to two beautiful daughters and a son, with no health complication.
~~~13 years later ~~~
The mother had decided that it would be best for the children if she never told them about the shooting. One day when one of her daughters was using the washroom she peed out the bullet. She freaked out and ran to her mother, "Mom, mom I was just using the washroom and I peed out a bullet, what is going on?!" And the mom decided it was time to come clean. "I was shot 13 years ago, and a bullet has embedded in you and your brother and sister..." A few days later her other daughter comes running "Mom, mom I was just using the washroom and I peed out a bullet, what is going on?!" and the mother responded "I was shot 13 years ago, and a bullet has embedded in you and your brother and sister..." A few days, not to the mothers surprise her son came running "Mom, mom..." "Wait, let me guess , interrupted the mother, you were using the washroom and you peed out a bullet?" "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

Be careful of your aim

A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" So she goes, "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

A haggard old woman walks into a bar.

She's holding a paper bag. She climbs up on the bar and holds up the bag.
"Any of you guys guess what's in this bag gets some tail!"
There's an uncomfortable silence until a smartass in the back yells "Yeah! Is it an elephant?"
"Close enough, let's go."

Jesus walks into a bar....

..He sees a Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor sitting next to each other at a table. Jesus notices that the three men all looked quite sad. He approaches them and asks, "What is wrong my children?". The Pastor says, "I just found out i have an inoperable brain tumor and i only have months to live". Jesus then decides to heal the Pastor. He thanks Jesus and leaves. He turns to the Priest and says, "What is wrong my son?". The Priest replies, "Jesus, I just found out that I have type two diabetes." Jesus then heals the Priest. He thanks Jesus and leaves the bar to pray to God. Jesus then turns to the Rabbi and says, "Let me guess, You also have a health issue that you would like me to heal?". The Rabbi turns to Jesus and says "Yes i do, but you stay away from me. I'm on disability benefits."

Adult book store

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"George," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke," he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"George," the guy answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke," he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; George," he said.
"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

A prison guard asked three prisoners how they got in jail...

The first prisoner replies, "I was blowing bubbles in the park."
The second replies "I was also blowing bubbles in the park."
When the guard gets to the third prisoner he says "let me guess, you were blowing bubbles in the park."
Then the third prisoner replies "no, im bubbles."

Driving in Scotland

(First post here, let me know if i need to fix anything please).
An American decides to visit Scotland. While there, he decides to rent a nice car to explore the country. Not long on the road he is pulled over by a police officer. The officer approached the vehicle and asks the American,
"I don't the way you were drivin' back there. Have you been drinkin' today?"
"No officer I haven't." To which the officer replies,
"Well, I guess ya wouldn't mind proving yurself with a breathlizer test, would ya?"
"If you will stop pestering me, than no, I wouldn't mind." The American blows and the machine reads a flat .00. "See? I told you I haven't been drinking. May I go now?" The officer was skeptical and retorted,
" The danm thing must be broken! Gimme that!" The officer blows and the machine immediately starts ringing. Registering a .38."Guess it's working, don't let me pull ya over again." To which the American promptly drives away. Only to get pulled over three miles later, by the same officer, for the fourth time that day.

Out on the Town

A man is standing n**... on a street corner.
A cop walks up and tells him "Sir you can't be doing that here unless you have a good excuse, I am going to take you to jail."
Yes Sir I have a good excuse. I was at my girlfriend's apartment... we started drinking... next thing you know she jumps up and says... "Lets get n**... and go to town. "
I guess I beat her here.

Three brothers eating soup

A mom has three sons and she's making them soup, While she's not looking a cupboard above the stove opens and a box of beebee's falls in the soup. She keeps cooking, serves them lunch and they go back outside to play. Ten minutes later the first boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later the second boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later, the oldest boy comes in and the mom says 'Let me guess, you were taking a pee and a beebee came out?' He says 'No, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

A young couple on their wedding night. . .

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began u**....
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the u**... continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
She finally said, "Don't tell me, let me guess . . . smallcox?"

Three Vampires in a bar

Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first one signals the bartender and says, " I'll take one pint of blood."
The bartender says ok and served him the pint of blood.
The second vampire signals the bartender and says, " I'll take two pints of blood."
The bartender says ok and serves him the two pints of blood.
The third vampire signals the bartender and before he can order the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want three pints of blood."
The vampire says, " No, actually I will just take a cup of hot water."
The bartender looks confused and ask, " Oh ok, but what for?"
The vampire pulls out a t**... and says, "Because I have a tea bag"

Jesus, Moses and an Old Man go golfing

and they come up to the par 3. Moses steps up to take a swing and plop, right in the pond. So he steps up to the water, raises his hands and separates the water. He strolls up and chips it into the hole for a birdie. Jesus' turn and he plunks it in the drink, too. He walks on the water, takes a swing and chips it in for a birdie.
The old man steps up to the tee and takes a swing. And, you guessed it, he drops it into the water. Just then a fish swims up and gobbles the ball, a hawk comes flying in from the sky and swoops up the fish. Over the green, the bird lets go of the fish, who slams against the ground. letting the ball go... which rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, quit showing off."

Three ducks...

...were caught trespassing on someone else's property and got arrested. In the court hearing the judge asked why they were trespassing. The first duck said they did it because they were getting late and it was a short cut to get home. The judge then asked why they were so late. The first duck replied "I lost track of time blowing bubbles on the beach". The judge says alright and asks the second duck why he was late. The second duck said "I was also blowing bubbles on the beach." The judge turns to the third duck and says "Let me guess, you were also blowing bubbles?" The third duck replied "No, I am bubbles."

When I get home...

When I get home, the first thing I do is s**... down to my boxers, and let out a f**... that could stun a full grown yak.
I guess that wasn't what the interviewer meant when she said "make yourself at home".

A Jewish man goes to speak to his Rabbi...

He says, "Rabbi, you'll never guess what happened to me! My son converted to Christianity."
The Rabbi responds, "*You'll* never guess what happened to *me*! My son converted to Christianity too. Let's pray to God, maybe He'll have an answer for us."
After some prayers, God responds to them: "You'll never guess what happened to ME!"

The Camping Trip

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

Cletus and Ricky make a bet.

Cletus was having an unlucky day fishing at the creek as he spots Ricky walking towards him with a large bag over his shoulder. Cletus asks Ricky "what's in the bag?" Ricky replies that its a bag full of chickens. Cletus, hungry and with no fish to fry, asks Ricky "Say, how about if I guess how many chickens you got in the bag, you let me have one of 'em?" Ricky tells Cletus, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this bag I'll let you have all five of them."

My wife and I tried to join a catholic church...

We met with our town's catholic priest this past Sunday to talk about becoming catholic. He gave us a long list of requirements we would have to fulfill (what we could/couldn't eat, say, do, etc.) and at the end of our meeting he said, "Oh yeah and one more thing, until next Sunday you must abstain from s**...."
I hesitantly looked at my wife, "Okay... I guess that's okay." So the week went by and we met the next Sunday before mass to talk with the priest. He started, "So how'd it go this week?"
"Pretty good..." I began. "Except for one thing. It was really difficult to go a whole week without having s**...... Yesterday, my wife bent down to pick up a box of cereal, and I couldn't resist. We tore each other's clothes off and went at it right there on the floor."
"Well I'm sorry," replied the priest. "But we can't let you into the church."
"That's okay," I said. "They won't let us back into Walmart again either."

Two Russian sailors decide to quit drinking,

but they still have a bottle of v**... left, and they refuse to let it go to waste, so one says:" Anatoli, i shall hold the bottle in one hand behind my back, if you can guess which one, we will drink it, if not, i will throw it overboard." They agree on this. The first sailor hides the bottle, the second guesses:"Left!"
"Keep guessing, Anatoli, keep guessing."

Whats for Dinner

A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me, sometimes."
The little girl screams to her Brother,
"Don't eat it, it's an a**....."

Have you been on Cherry Hill

One day, a boy walked into class late.
"Why are you late?" The teacher asks.
"I was on top of cherry Hill." He takes his seat.
5 minutes later, another boy walks into class late.
"Why are you late?" The teacher asks.
"I was on top of Cherry Hill." He takes his seat.
5 minutes later, a girl walks into class late.
"Now let me guess .. you were on top of Cherry Hill?"
"No, I am Cherry Hill."

A doctor has three patients lined up for breast exams...

The first comes in and takes her shirt off. The doctor sees a red letter "H" on her chest and asks what it is. She tells him "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and is so proud he keeps his sweatshirt on during s**... and the ink runs."
The next woman enters and disrobes, and there is a blue "Y" on her body. The doctor asks and she tells him how her boyfriend goes to Yale and is so proud he won't take his sweatshirt off, even during s**..., and the sweat caused a stain.
His last patient comes in, and she has a red "M" on her chest. The doctor thinks this new phenomenon is strange, but he knows a pattern when he sees it. He says to her, "Let me guess, you have a boyfriend that goes to Maryland, right?" "No," she replies, "I have a girlfriend that goes to Wisconsin, why?"

A pregnant woman goes to the bank.

A Pregnant Woman goes to the Bank and she gets shot 3 times in the stomach by a Robber.
Miraculously though her 3 triplets somehow managed to absorb the bullets in the w**....
The doctors cannot explain it and after a lot of research they still couldn't explain how it happened.
16 years later her oldest triplet came running down the stairs.
"Mum! Mum! I had a p**... and a bullet came out!" her daughter yelled.
"The doctor said this might happen" the mother said as she reassured her.
The next day her second daughter came down the stairs.
"Mum! Mum! I had a p**... and a bullet came out!"
And again the mother reassured her.
The third day her son came running the down the stairs yelling "Mum! Mum!"
"Let me guess you had a p**... and a bullet came out" the mother said.
"No! I was m**... and shot the dog!"

Three vampires walk into a bar...

The first vampire walks up to the bar and the bar man asks what he can get him.
Vampire 1 responds "A nice warm cup of blood"
Bartender says "coming right up"
Vampire 2 pipes up and says "make mine cold!"
After the bartender hands the second vampire his drink he turns to the third vampire.
The bartender asks " let me guess, you want a cup of blood as well?"
Vampire 3 sits down and says "actually may I get a glass of hot water?"
Bartender is in shock and asks "hot water? But why?"
Vampire 3 takes a used t**... out of his coat pocket and responds
"I'm having tea"

Ski trip [n**...]

Three friends were on a skiing trip in Aspen. After a long day of snow and mountain activity, they returned to their cabin. In an attempt to stay warm, they decided to all three sleep on the same bed.
The next morning, the man on the right side woke up extremely happy, and woke his friends. "Guys! I had the most amazing dream! I dreamed that I got a h**... from a really cute redhead! It felt so real!"
Stunned, the man on the left side said "no way! I had the same dream! And it felt so real! Except I got a h**... from a hot brunette! Ned, let me guess. You had a similar dream about a blonde giving you a h**...?"
The man in the middle says "nah I just had a dream that I was skiing."

75 story hotel

Phil, Jim, and John were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a . After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear the elevators were broken, and they now had to climb 75 flights of stairs.
Phil said to Jim and John,"let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something more interesting. Hmm, I'll tell jokes the first 25 floors, Jim, you can sing songs the next 25 floors and John you can say your collection of sad stories."
The others agreed and they started the climb for their hotel room. At the 26th floor Phil stopped with his jokes and Jim started his songs. At the 51st floor songs stopped and John's sad stories started.
"I guess I'll begin with my saddest story first. I forgot the room key in the car."
(EDIT) FIXED THE GRAMMAR d**...

I guess this is why they don't let kids be lawyers

You just know one would've gotten Jared off.

A french guy, an italian guy and an amarican on a plane.....

Among others, there are three guys on a plane. One is french, the other is italian and the third one is american.
The american says: "I bet I can guess where we are without looking outside, just by extend my arm out of the window". The other two go "Well, lets see". So he puts his arm outside the window and sais "we just passed New York". "How do you know?" "Because I touched the Liberty Statue".
The French guy says "I can do this too", stretches out his arm and says "We are in Paris, I just touched the Eiffel Tower".
The italian, unimpressed, puts his left arm outside, gets it back in in a second and says "Well, we are in Naples" The other two are surprised "How do you know? What did you touch?"
And he answers: "Nothing, my watch was just stolen".

A teacher...

A teacher is playing a guessing game with her students:
"Alright class, I'm thinking of something: it's round, it's red"
An enthusiastic student interrupts
"Teacher! Teacher I know what it is, It's a tomato!"
"No, it's an apple" replied the teacher, "But I like the way you think".
"Let's try again, I'm thinking of something: it's long, it's yellow"
The same student interrupts again "Teacher! Teacher I know what it is, it's a banana!"
"No, it's a pencil" replied the teacher, "But I like the way you think".
Having gotten the hang of the game the student says "Teacher I have one for you, I'm thinking of something: it's in my pants, it's hard, it's got a head on it"
Blushing and embarrassed the teacher shrieks "GO TO THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE!!!!"
"No teacher its a quarter" he replied "But I like the way you think".

An Atheist...

Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."
The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? h**.... He made over 60,000 Jews toast."
God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."
The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."

Marriage jok

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

**Suggestion for you**

At a formal event, roll your tie up into a little bundle right below the knot. Then ask someone, "Which of the 2 flaps do you think will unravel first?" After they guess, let it unravel and go "It's a tie!".

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing! They just WAVED.
SEA what I did there?
I'm SHORE you did.
Let MINNOW if you are not getting it.
SHELL I continue??
No?.. I guess I'll stop WHALE I'm ahead.
Thanks ladies and gentlefish

A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar...

A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in, just don't start anything."

Theres Mama Bird, a Baby Bird, and a Brother Bird

One day baby bird comes up to mama bird and asks, "mama, how come my beak is different than brother bird?" Mama bird, caught off gaurd for a second, lets out a sigh and says, "baby bird. Ive been waiting for the right time to tell you this, but I guess this is as good a time any. Baby Bird the truth is...you're adapted."

Kyiv subway. A middle-aged woman enters the train.

Young guy stands up from his seat and lets her sit down.
Woman: Young man, are you from Lviv?
Guy: Why do you think so?
Woman: You are the only one to give me a seat.
Guy: You are right, I'm from Lviv. And you must be from Donetsk.
Woman: Yeah. But how have you guessed it?
Guy: You haven't even thanked me.

An astronomy teacher prepared two boxes filled with joke cards. The first box was designed with asteroids and the second one with comets. He then let one of this students pick a box...

The student picked the one designed with asteroids. He pick one card and read the joke out loud to the class. The class, however, doesn't find the joke funny. Seeing this, the professor made the student pick another card on the same box. Same thing happened. The confused student look at his teacher and said,
"Sir, I think there is no funny joke in this asteroid box."
The teacher then replied,
"Hmmmm..That's strange. I guess the real joke is in the comets."

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times in the gut.

They rush her to the hospital and everything turns out ok. The babies are all fine.
12 years later one of her daughters comes to her worried "mom mom mom i was peeing and a bullet came out!"
"Thats strange." Says the mom.
A few days after that her other daughter rushes up "MOM MOM MOM i was peeing and a bullet came out!"
"Thats really strange" says the mom.
A few more weeks pass without issue, then her son comes up to her "MOM MOM MOM" she cuts him off "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out."
"NO! I WAS JACKING OFF AND I SHOT THE DOG!"

I'm guessing Trump has been Rick Rolled too many times ...

Because he just gave you up, let you down and deserted you.

A redhead walks into the Dr. Office.....

She sits down on the examining table and tells the Doctor "I think I am going to die. I hurt all over. I touch my arm and it hurts, I my head and it hurts. I touch my abdomen and it hurts."
The doctor looks at her and says, "Let me guess that you are naturally blonde."
"Why yes, How did you guess?"
"Because you have a broken finger."

Google - Boy or Girl?

Teacher : Google is a girl or a boy..?
..
..
..
Student: Google is a Girl.....because it won't let you complete
the whole sentence and start guessing, suggesting.....and
you ask only one question.....
but get hundreds of irrelevant answers in seconds...

Is Google a boy or a girl ?

Google is a Girl because it won't let you complete
the whole sentence and starts guessing, suggesting and
you ask only one question,
but get hundreds of irrelevant answers in seconds...

Wife asks husband, if she dies will he remarry?

I don't know... yeah I probably would i guess.
What about the house? would you sell it?
No he says, I like our house.
What about our bed, would you buy a new one?
No I like our bed and would keep it.
Ok, the wife now asks, what about my golf clubs?
Would you let your new wife use them?
No way he says, she's left handed.

Blueberry Hills

A boy walks into school n**..., and he is late. "How come you are late?", asks the teacher. "I was on top of Blueberry Hills", says the boy.
The next day, a different boy walks into school n**... and he is late. "You're the second one in a row, how come you are late?", says the teacher getting more frustrated now. "I was on top of Blueberry Hills", says the boy.
The next day a girl walks into school n**... and she is late. "Let me guess, you were on top of Blueberry Hills?", asks the teacher annoyed. "No, I am Blueberry Hills".

A Driver gets Pulled Over

A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."
Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."
Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."
Driver: "Me neither."

My uncle killed himself and then proceeded to kill two others

I guess be careful who you let drive

Teacher : Why didn't you write your homework? Pupil : My dad is in a hospital

*7 days later* T : why didn't you write your homework this time?
P : my dad is still in the hospital.
T : wow, this must be serious.
*1 month later*
T : Let me guess, you didn't do your homework because your father is still in the hospital.
P : Indeed.
T: well, how come?
P : he's a doctor.

A duck walks into a bar

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a shot. Bartender asks "what's your name, what's your problem?" Duck replies "name's Larry, I've been in and out of puddles all day, I don't want to talk about it". A little while later a second duck walks in. Bartender asks "what's your name, what's your problem? " second duck responds "name's curly, I've been in and out of puddles all day, I don't want to talk about it. " Finally, a little while later a third duck walks in. The bartender looks at him and says "let me guess, your name is Moe". The third duck replies "no, the name is Puddles, whatever you're going to ask, I don't want to talk about it".

The Blonde that wanted to prove she wasn't dumb.

A blonde woman kept getting told she was dumb because she was blonde.
She decided to dye her hair black and show people how smart she was.
She approached a farmer with a herd of sheep and asked him.
-"Sir, if i can guess how many sheep you have there, will you give me one?"
-"Well ma'am, i suppose, if you guess the exact number i'll let you have one".
-"Alright, you have 134 sheep".
-"I'll be d**..., that's exactly right, well, pick the one you like".
-"THIS ONE!"
-"If i guess the natural color of your hair, can i have my dog back?"

A woman is doing some grocery shopping...

She's going to the checkout line and the cashier says:
"Coke... mayo... some corn flakes... a bottle of wine... some chips. Let me guess, you're single right?"
The lady goes "Well... yeah, how do you know?"
The cashier answers, "Because you're ugly"

Two Ranchers make a deal.

One rancher has the largest bull in Texas and the second rancher has the best milking cow in the county. They decide to mate the two and split the offspring between them.
They lead the bull to the cow, but the cow walk away disinterested. The bull tries to mount the cow, but the cow walks away and won't let the bull get near her. The owners watch as the bulls repeated attempts are met with a cold response.
The bull's owner leans over to the cow's owner and asks,"Did you get your cow from Ft. Worth?"
The cow's owner, astonished, replies, "Yea, I did! How did you guess?"
"My wife is from Ft. Worth."

Three ducks got arrested and went to court

The first duck gets up on the stand, the judge says "Tell me your name and what you did wrong." The first duck says "my name is Quack and I got busted for blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge says "Ok, you go to jail for 3 days."
The second duck gets on the stand and the judge says the same thing. The duck says "My name is Quack Quack and I got caught for blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge sends him to jail for 3 days
The third duck gets up on the stand and the judge says "Let me guess your name is Quack Quack Quack?" The duck says
"Nah, im Bubbles."

Bubbles

At a bar 3 men go into the bathroom.
After about 10 minutes one comes out. Just to make sure nothing was wrong the bartender asks, "What were you doing in there?"
The man replies, "Blowing bubbles."
Then, another 10 minutes later another guy comes out. Once again the bartender asks, "What we're you doing in there?"
The man replies, "Blowing bubbles."
Then, the last guy comes out. The bartender asks, "What we're you doing, let me guess, blowing bubbles?"
The man, confused, says, "I am Bubbles."

As the photographer snapped pictures, I posed provocatively and gave my most s**... looks to the camera, even grabbing my c**... for effect! I felt wild and sensual and free...

I went over to the computer to see the results, as I was keen to see if they had captured the essence of my being.
"I guess so." growled the officer. "Now let's go stand for the police lineup and then we'll be done here."

A manager has two great employees...

A manager has two great employees, Jack and Jill. Due to budget constraints, he knows he has to fire one of them. He decides to meet with each employee, be upfront with them, and then make his sad decision. Both of them are outside of his office, and he asks Jill to step inside. Less than 15 seconds later, Jill storms out of there and slams the door behind her.
Jack walks in and says "I guess you decided to let her go?"
Boss man has a bewildered look on his face and says "I never even got the chance to! All I said was 'I'm trying to decide whether to lay you or j**....'"

A woman is pregnant with triplets and is shot in the stomach 3 times...

The babies seem unharmed and she gives birth a few weeks later, 2 girls and a boy.
8 years later one of the girls comes to her crying and says she just peed out a bullet, so her mother explains what happened.
A year after that the second daughter comes to her crying, the mom asks why and she has also peed out a bullet, the mom explains what happened.
5 years later the boy comes to her crying and the mother asks "let me guess, you peed out a bullet?" To which the son responds "No, I was jacking off and shot the dog"

I saw a very large woman in a bar wearing a T-shirt that said 'I'm a Man-Eater'

I walked up to her, shot her a grin and she told me "Let me guess, you've got a joke about how many men I've eaten?"
I simply told her she spelled manatee wrong.

An old man and an old woman are sitting around a retirement home.

The old man says to the old woman: "I bet you can't guess how old I am."
The woman says "I'll give it a shot, let me try something."
She reaches down his pants and starts feeling around his privates while focusing intently.
"You're 85." she guesses.
"Wow, you're right! How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."