The Best 78 Lessons Jokes

Lessons.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow in the back shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

A man decides he wants to learn to play bass.

He signs up for lessons and the first day the instructor says to him "today we're learning E." and he just plays E over and over again. The next lesson the instructor says he'll be teaching him A and he plays A over and over again. The third lesson is D and he plays D over and over again. At the end of the lesson the instructor says "next lesson we'll learn G" but the guy replies "I can't make the next lesson, I have a gig."

Hopefully you guys get it.

A man was looking for a person to teach him martial arts, so he goes in to see a supposed ninja to ask for lessons. When he walks in he sees the ninja slicing at a fly with his sword, but not being able to kill it. The man says, "How can you teach me martial arts if you can't even hit a fly!?" The ninja then reply's, "Oh, don't worry, that fly won't be having any children."

My ex-girlfriend said that she misses me all time

She also said that she's taking lessons to improve her aim.

The two most valuable lessons I've learned in life:

1) never reveal everything you know.

Why don't they have driving lessons and sex ed on the same day in Saudi Arabia?

They don't want to overwork the camel.

A woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so bad that she ran to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, What's wrong?

I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.

So I'm a male nurse, and I work in hospice. It's a great company, and sad sometimes, but it has taught me some great life lessons.

1) Pull your skeletons out of your closet now, or they'll come out while you're dying.

2) Love the one you're with.

3) I don't need to worry about finding true love. All the demented women seem to love me like it's the first day we met.

I am going for dancing lessons.

We did the waltz yesterday and it was really hard.

I just feel like I'm always taking 2 steps forward and 1 back.

My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil

I still don't know how much she charged him though.

The EU has said that more needs to be done to help the Syrian refugees, especially the children.

May I recommend swimming lessons?

My wife didn't finish her Morse code lessons before going sailing.

She seems to alright though she keeps sending me messages to send her an SMS but I haven't got a reply yet.

Lessons learned from Star Trek: Nemesis...

Remember to always backup your Data!

I applied for art school

I had no port folio, had never drawn in my life and absolutely no talent.

I was furious when they rejected me because I was the perfect candidate.

Surely if anyone needs lessons it's me!

My ex-wife is so evil that she has lessons with Satan every Sunday...

I just don't know how much she charges him.

You know what is ironic about Whitney Houston dying in her bath tub?

She was taking swimming lessons at that time

I love my biology teacher....

**He gives great life lessons**

My university offers sex education lessons....

Guess I should sign up for intercouses.

I asked my mom why she forced me to go to to singing lessons as a kid

She said singing is a skill I need to a choir.

What do you call it when a gorilla takes martial arts lessons?

Kong-fu

Why did the Chemistry teacher give every student Sodium Hydroxide at the beginning of every semester?

So they'd have a strong base for their lessons

Tried to take lessons to play the steel drums..

...but the only music you learn to play is heavy metal.

I asked my mom why I had to go to singing lessons.

She told me it was a skill I needed to a choir.

The reason why I didn't get my dog dance lessons.

He's got two left feet.

Flight Lessons went ok...

Until they told me to air-a-lell park...

What did EA give Sean Murray for a parting gift upon leaving EA?

Game dev lessons.

When I was fourteen years old, my father gave me an advice for my swimming lessons..

I listened, went to the lesson and after coming back, I talked to him.

Me: "Do you remember what you said earlier? You should put a potato in your speedo to impress the girls! I did that."

He: "So, how did it work?"

Me: "Well, you should've told me to put the potato in the front of my speedo."

Two men learn the lessons of why not to snort curry powder like cocaine!

One's got a dicky tikka and the other's in a deep korma.

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear

And the doctor says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."

(So much subtler as a spoken joke. If you don't get it, consider you're grammar lessons!) ;)

Why can't Mexican schools have sex-ed classes and driving lessons on the same day?

Not enough donkeys

Those of you here for the yodelling lessons....

Please form an orderly orderly orderly queue

You can tell who runs the country by the amount of clothes they wear. Regular people can't afford too much, they are the less-ons

...and the people who run the country are the more-ons.

How do you make a fruit punch ?

Give it boxing lessons !

I told my girlfriend she'd get Sax lessons for her birthday

Offended she asked: "Sex lessons? Isn't it good enough?".

"Oh no honey, I meant the saxophone.

So you can finally learn how to blow."

A student is taking private tutoring lessons on the middle east. The tutor asks if the student has any more questions, to which the student replied...

"Iran out of questions"

TIL: On an average week in Chicago, there are around a hundred shootings and five to ten people are killed.

Those people need to take lessons or something. Their aim must be awful.

TIL Jimi Hendrix didn't die

God just wanted guitar lessons

Last night I went to a trendy new bar and was approached by a beautiful young lady who said "Hey there handsome, do you come here often?"

to which I replied "no, I usually come at home, but I am open to new experiences". These English lessons are finally paying off.

My dad passed away a few months ago, today would've been his 61 birthday. Blame him for my sense of humor.

My sister messaged me. "How are you doing?"
I Responded. "My elbow hurts and I have a cold sore on my tongue."
"Two lessons learned, don't fight a hooker and don't kiss one."

Super deflect..

Before taking lessons, Elton John first learned how to play the piano by ear.

I still think it was easier to use my fingers.

I used to get so excited about French lessons...

Sometimes a little 'Oui' would come out.

In my Horticulture class we were supposed to grow cucumbers, but I didn't pay attention to the lessons.

You could say I was in a pickle.

Ski trip

My skiing lessons started out good, but it went all down hill from there.

[During swimming lessons]

Business lessons: Ending your contract with a specialist logistics company in favour of going with the lowest bidder is...

One of the Bidvest mistakes you can make.

Children in florida during the hurricanes,

They all got free swimming lessons in the comfort of their home.

Free singing lessons at the church children's choir are like Facebook:

If it's free, you are the product!

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, what's wrong? I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.

My grandmother recently called in to a contest on the radio.

The contest was giving away free skydiving lessons to the first caller.
My grandmother called in, and she was the first caller, so they gave her the papers for the free lessons.
She started the lessons a few days later. When the instructor opened the plane door and told her to jump off, my grandmother looked down to the ground, she started to regret taking the lessons. she said "Help, I've gotten up and I can't fall down."

One day, Hot Dog Bun Boy came home from school...

His mother saw him come in looking pretty glum and asked, "What's the matter Hot Dog Bun Boy? Did something happen?"

Hot Dog Bun Boy replied, "I was in my history class and it's so frustrating that there are no lessons at all about Hot Dog Buns like us! It's so unfair!"

The mother came up to Hot Dog Bun Boy and gave him a consoling hug. She then said, "I know son, it's not fair. But in the end, history is written by the wieners."

A couple just finalized their adoption of a Japanese baby.

Shortly after, they signed up for Japanese lessons and explained that they had just adopted a baby.

"How nice!" said the teacher.

"Yeah," they agreed. "He'll be talking in a couple years and we want to be able to understand him!"

"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive."

I think they've hired Naymar.

Why isnt there driving lessons and sex ed on the same day in the Middle East?

The goat needed a break.

Putin been giving Trump lessons on how to play chess

But the only thing Donald could remember was that it's important to block The Queen.

I enroled in courses of hypnosis

The first lessons didn't please me and so I determined to pay direct for a year in advance and not to attend there

I heard an Iraqi guitar tutor is offering to teach guitarists songs in obscure tunings

Lessons will be in BAGDAD

I just passed my mixology exam.

Despite missing most of the lessons, I somehow muddled through.

My Grandfather used to tell me , There are no Mistakes , just lessons learned from.

Which is funny cause he was a surgeon.

As I have learned from my electrochemistry lessons...

The wrong combination of metals can \*potentially\* cause corrosion.

A teenager gets a bass guitar and a month of lessons for his birthday

After he comes home from his first lesson, his mother asks:

What did you learn in your first lesson?

I learned all the notes on the E string!

The next week he comes home and mom asks:

What did you learn this week?

I learned all the notes on the A string!

After the third week the son returns home rather late and his mother asks again:

What did you learn this week?

I couldn't make it, I had a gig

Flying lessons

A guy is telling his buddy about his flying lessons and the guy teaching him says he is Eigth degree black belt and a raging homosexual and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I have to jump out of the plane. Buddy "Well did you jump?" "Yea a little at first"

I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless

now I've got 200 squatters!

A person is taking guitar lessons

and he's getting upset that he isn't learning as quickly as he'd like to. So he tells the instructor this and the instructor says, "You'll get the hang of it eventually. Don't fret."

My wife has weekly lessons with Satan on how to be more evil...

I can vouch that what ever she charges him is well worth it!

Why do kids at Catholic schools learn sex ed faster?

Because their lessons are more hands-on.

They say John Mayer made a deal with the devil...

Nobody knows what John got, but the devil got guitar lessons!

A cop sees a dancing suspect

Cop: Suspect is engaging in high-profile break-dancing in the main square

Radio: Copy that

Cop: I've had a couple breakdance lessons but I'm no way as good as him sir

I signed up for German language lessons recently. They replied, and I am kind of worried now.

They said, We have ways of making you talk.

My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like....

Always use very precise language or you could be misunderstood.

I remember it vividly because we were at their farm and I was helping my uncle Jack off a horse as she was telling me that.

Now that we've learned all this year's terrible lessons...

... I can't wait until 2020 is hindsight.

On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, What are all these buttons for?

He said, Those are to keep your shirt closed.

On my first day of taking flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, Wow! What are all these buttons for?

He said, Those are used to keep your shirt closed.