Lesson Learned Jokes

78 lesson learned jokes and hilarious lesson learned puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lesson learned that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Lesson Learned Short Jokes

Short lesson learned jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lesson learned humour may include short lessons learned jokes also.

  1. I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again. I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.
  2. News: Hillary Clinton concedes her defeat to Donald Trump in a private phone call. Safe to say she's learned her lesson with emails!
  3. Now that we've learned all this year's terrible lessons... ... I can't wait until 2020 is hindsight.
  4. I told my mate i was on my way to a filipino lesson He said "Hey i've been wanting to learn a new language, can i tagalog?"
  5. Love your neighbor as you love yourself is an important lesson. It's how I learned to give a hand-job!
  6. Before taking lessons, Elton John first learned how to play the piano by ear. I still think it was easier to use my fingers.
  7. If there's a lesson to be learned from the Oscar Pistorius tragedy, It's that cyborgs are not to be trusted.
  8. A mathematician was charged with a DUI That day, he learned an important lesson - to never drink and derive.
  9. I think that the powerful, elite titans of industry have learned an important lesson from this whole Harvey Weinstein ordeal. Never hire a board of directors.
  10. the ironic thing about SCHOOL SHOOTINGs... America never Learns from them. I mean if there's anywhere to learn a friggin lesson it's in a school!

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Lesson Learned One Liners

Which lesson learned one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lesson learned? I can suggest the ones about valuable lesson and lesson.

  1. I wish prostitutes would learn a lesson from eBay ...and do away with insertion fees.
  2. My wife asked me if I learned anything at my first Improv lesson. I said no.
  3. The two most valuable lessons I've learned in life: 1) never reveal everything you know.
  4. Educational video website got hacked I hope they learned their lesson.
  5. There is a lesson behind every joke. If you don't learn anything, you are the joke.
  6. I learned my lesson from prison size matters
  7. I went to jail after dropping the soap. I mean gel, learned my lesson the first time.
  8. Lessons learned from Star Trek: Nemesis... Remember to always backup your Data!
  9. Learn to Speak Goat in 10 Days - Lesson 1: Bae.
  10. Why is learning linux s**...? All of the lessons are full of sudo science
  11. When you learn more, it's called a lesson When you learn less, you're called a m**....
  12. I learned a very important lesson at Mount Rushmore. The best presidents were s**....

Lesson Learned Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about lesson learned you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean learnt jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lesson learned pranks.

In 1666, Chuck Norris caught the Plague.
The Plague learned its lesson, and has stayed away since then.

A tourist is eaten by a python at the zoo.

Two tourists from the Czech republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.
Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks him: "Which of these pythons ate your friend, the male or the female one?"
"That one! That one!", exclaims the Czech, pointing at the male snake, bloated with its stomach full. The caretaker runs up behind the satiated snake, cuts it open and pulls out ... a feeder pig.
"Oh no, it must have been the other one", yells the tourist. So the keeper cuts open the female snake, and sure enough, out comes the tourist.
In the end, the tourist could be revived, and miraculously, both snakes managed to live through the events, but there's still a lesson to be learned here: Never trust someone who tells you the Czech is in the male.

The Lumberjack Joke

Two lumberjacks, Bob and Screwball, are working in a mill. All is well until Screwball accidentally leans too far forward and gets his arm chopped off. Bob says "Oh no!", puts the decapitated arm in a plastic grocery bag and drives to the nearest hospital.
The next day, Bob shows up for work at the mill as usual, expecting to have to work twice as hard since Screwball is gone. But when he opens the door, Screwball's right there, arm totally healed, working away as if nothing happened. Bob keeps his confusion to himself and the day goes on as normal.
Screwball, the idiot he is, hasn't learned his lesson, and carelessly leans too forward again. This time, his leg gets chopped off. Bob quickly puts the dismembered leg in a bag and rushes off to the hospital.
Bob goes into work the next morning not knowing what to think. Trusty old Screwball is working away, as if his leg was never gone. Bob is no longer worried. Screwball does the same thing he did the two previous days, leans too far forward, and gets his head chopped off. Bob does what is fairly standard procedure by now - he puts his head in a bag and drives to the hospital.
After a little while, Bob decides to visit his friend. He asks a nurse about him, and the nurse says, "Oh, that guy? He would have made it, but some idiot put his head in a bag and he suffocated to death."

1000 Years.

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven, St. Peter looks upon them and says "Though you are all good men, you have sins to absolve before i can let you enter the great kingdom!" So St. Peter takes them off to purgatory.
The first man had an addiction to s**.... St. Peter took this man to a room, inside were hundreds of women fully n**.... The man runs in the room excited as can be as St. Peter says " Ill be back in 1000 years to see if you've learned your lesson."
The second man was a serious alcoholic. St. Peter takes this man to his room and inside there was an endless supply of every type of alcohol imaginable. St. Peter says again, "Ill be back in 1000 years to see of you've learned your lesson."
The third man was a chronic pothead. St. Peter takes him to his room, which is filled with endless amounts of m**..., bongs, and pipes. St. Peter again says, " I'll be back in 1000 years to see if you've learned your lesson."
1000 years pass and St. Peter returns to the first room, the s**... addict inside is so releived, and repents. St. Peter allows him into heaven.
The alcohol speeds out the door as St. Peter opens it. He begs for forgiveness and is allowed in.
St. Peter opens the potheads door only to find him joint in one hand pipe in the other, rocking feverishly. The pothead looks up at St. Peter shaking and says " You got a light, man?"

A boy wants to play the bass...

... So his mother buys him a bass and takes the boy to his first lesson. An hour later he comes back, and his mother asks him what he learned. "This is a G, " says the boy, playing a G, "this is an F, this is a B," and continues to play random notes. The mother smiles politely and applauded his good work. The next week, she takes him to another lesson. This time, the boy doesn't come back for 4 hours. She goes to the place where he's having his lesson, and asks the instructor, "What kind of lesson takes 4 hours?" The instructor replies, "What lesson? He just played a gig!"

A black man and a Czechoslovakian man are walking in the woods...

A black man and a Czechoslovakian man are walking in the woods when they are attacked by a bear. They take off running, and naturally the black man outruns the Czechoslovakian man. The bear tears the Czechoslovakian man apart and devours him.
The black man frantically sprints all the way to the nearest ranger station for help. He and the ranger head back out with a rifle to the exact spot where the Czechoslovakian was eaten and find not one, but two bears--a male and a female. The black man tells the park ranger that the male bear ate his friend, so the ranger shoots it and cuts open it's stomach, but finds nothing.
Lesson learned. Never trust a black man who says the Czech is in the male.

A man decides he wants to learn to play bass.

He signs up for lessons and the first day the instructor says to him "today we're learning E." and he just plays E over and over again. The next lesson the instructor says he'll be teaching him A and he plays A over and over again. The third lesson is D and he plays D over and over again. At the end of the lesson the instructor says "next lesson we'll learn G" but the guy replies "I can't make the next lesson, I have a gig."

So a young man comes to his first ever Karate lesson

He steps through the doors of the dojo and sees three groups being taught moves by an instructor
He is directed to the first line where one of the Sensei's is teaching them how to block a hit
The man quickly learns the move and advances to the second group, proud of his achievement
The second line is taught one by one to perform a simple throw, but the man struggles as he has always lacked upper body strength
After many tries he finally succeeds but he decides karate is just not for him.
The young man turns around and walks towards the door, however on his way out the Sensei calls out his name and says:
"Hey, didn't you forget the punch line?"

A woman gets a golf lesson.

A woman goes to her local golf course and gets a lesson from the course pro. After the lesson she decides to play a round to reinforce what she learned. But after only 20 minutes the golf pro sees her back at clubhouse. "What happened" asks the pro. She replies "I was stung by a bee while playing and didn't feel like continuing". "Oh no, where at" replies the golf pro. She says "between the first and second hole".
"Oh, I see" says the pro, "your stance is too wide".

I met the girl of my dreams, but it turned out she was my cousin...

Lesson learned: Don't flirt at family reunions

30 r**... walk into a bar..

..they're not the brightest, you would have thought they'd learned their lesson

Two old friends meet in bar...

[translated from Turkish]
-Hey Jack! How have you been! It's been months!
-Bonjour Monsieur ! Indeed, it's been a while
-"Bonjour Monsieur"? What's this French?
-Mais biensur !
-Don't screw with me Jack. I know you don't know French. We both went to the same school and we never had any French lessons!!
-No, no! I'm learning via the radio. 99.3 FM. Every day at 10AM you have French lessons. Very easy, I suggest you try.
-Oh, ok, cool I'll give a try tomorrow.
Next morning he calls Jack:
-Yo Jack, I have those old radios with a needle for tuning. Does it work with those old radios too?
-Sure! Scroll to 99, then go a little further to the right.
-Oh cool! Thx!
-Mais de rien !
-oh! s**... already...
Couple of weeks later, he meets Jack again. And Jack asks:
-Salut mon ami, How is your French?
- Shhhszzzzoussssshzzziuhli! (static noise)
[probably not the best written joke :/]

A poor boy came by selling candies. I called him and gave him $50 bill for the whole bag. Amazed, he gave me his entire bag. He was very happy, his face said it all.

That day I learned a life lesson: there will always be hope and time to get rid of a fake bill.

If the wasp hadn't of stung me I wouldn't have killed it.

The lesson learned is that violence bee gets violence.

I was at my GF's house hanging with her and her smoking hot younger sister

My girlfriend leaves the room leaving me alone with her sister. She's been gone for a while when her sister climbs up on top of me and says "we should have s**... right this second, any way you want it, before my sister gets back". I immediately throw her off and start walking out. My girlfriend is waiting outside the room and kisses me, saying I won her trust.
Lesson learned: always keep c**... in the car

Tried to take lessons to play the steel drums..

...but the only music you learn to play is heavy metal.

Today I've teached my son a lesson by eating his homework...

... tomorrow he will learn that even if you tell the truth people often don't believe you.

A math teacher went to school drunk...

He told the class that they were going to learn derivatives and then proceeded to pass out. He was removed from the school and fired immediately. The lesson?
Don't drink and derive

Maths lesson

Jimmy comes home from school and his mum asks him what he's learned
today. "I learned that if I have three apples and Jenny gives me two more apples, I'll have five apples."
"That's right," says his mum. "So if you have four bananas and I give you three more, how many will you have?"
"Dunno. We haven't done bananas yet."

Two men learn the lessons of why not to snort curry powder like c**...!

One's got a dicky tikka and the other's in a deep korma.

I try to teach my dad a new lesson every day.

They say it's good to learn from your mistakes.

I got my girlfriend pregnant and I learned a very important lesson

The price difference between a c**... and an abortion.

I told my girlfriend she'd get Sax lessons for her birthday

Offended she asked: "s**... lessons? Isn't it good enough?".
"Oh no honey, I meant the saxophone.
So you can finally learn how to blow."

There was a bay guard

He had this job for many years, but he retired at 45. He decided that he would try to make juice and sell it for extra cash.
He bought everything needed, and began. However, he could never make any juice. He learned a valuable lesson that day:
Bay guards can't be juicers.

A Bass Teacher is excited about getting a new, young student.

The kid is comes in for his first lesson and learns all the notes on the E string.
Next week he comes in and the instructor shows him all of the notes on the A string.
The third week comes, the teacher is waiting, but the kid never shows up. Annoyed, he calls him to see where he is.
The kid picks up and says,
"Oh, sorry man, I got a gig..."

An elderly woman appears in court for stealing

A can of peaches from the grocery store. The judge asks "how many peaches were in that can?" To which she replied "about 6 your honor."

"Very well then. 6 days in detention for you. I hope you've learned your lesson." When you suddenly hear her grumpy husband in the crowd "she also stole a can of peas!!"

When I was a kid...

...I wanted to be a magician. My parents being the supportive people they are, helped me learn how to perform magic. My father even taught me half of a two-part lesson on disappearing tricks. I'm still waiting for the part on how to reappear.

My dad passed away a few months ago, today would've been his 61 birthday. Blame him for my sense of humor.

My sister messaged me. "How are you doing?"
I Responded. "My elbow hurts and I have a cold sore on my tongue."
"Two lessons learned, don't fight a h**... and don't kiss one."
Super deflect..

A Farmer Sends his Son to Town for Supplies

He tells him to visit the commons as there are sure to be reputable merchants selling their wares at this time of year.
But on the way the son gets waylaid by a strange man with big flashy signs advertising the latest in imported tools. All his neighbors are also there buying this man's tools, so the farmer's son goes along with what they are doing.
When the son gets home, he tries to fit his oxen with a newly acquired yoke but it doesn't fit right. When he finally gets it on the oxen and tries to plow the field, the yoke snaps in half.
The farmer tells his son "I hope you have learned a valuable lesson. The real yoke is always in the commons."

My husband cheated

I caught my husband cheating. I'm not going to lie, I didn't handle it in the most mature way possible. I threw an iron at him and took quite a bit of money from him.
Then later we had a heart to heart and decided never to play Monopoly again. Lesson learned.

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"
"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"
"That's great son!"
The next week rolls around.
"What did you learn at your second bass lesson son?"
"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4..5 notes on the A string!"
"That's great son!"
The next week rolls around.
"What did you learn at your third bass lesson son?"
"I blew it off I had a gig."

Teacher: "What's the most important thing to learn in a chemistry lesson?"

**"Don't lick the spoon."**

My Grandfather used to tell me , There are no Mistakes , just lessons learned from.

Which is funny cause he was a surgeon.

As I have learned from my electrochemistry lessons...

The wrong combination of metals can \*potentially\* cause corrosion.

A teenager gets a bass guitar and a month of lessons for his birthday

After he comes home from his first lesson, his mother asks:
What did you learn in your first lesson?
I learned all the notes on the E string!
The next week he comes home and mom asks:
What did you learn this week?
I learned all the notes on the A string!
After the third week the son returns home rather late and his mother asks again:
What did you learn this week?
I couldn't make it, I had a gig

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly."
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the bathroom door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."

A person is taking guitar lessons

and he's getting upset that he isn't learning as quickly as he'd like to. So he tells the instructor this and the instructor says, "You'll get the hang of it eventually. Don't fret."

Why do kids at Catholic schools learn s**... ed faster?

Because their lessons are more hands-on.

Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.

After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.
Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.
Two in one direction, then one to the side.
Hm, funny how the knight moves.

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.
She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok
Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to feed himself and his family. The second bird wakes up late everyday and cant find anything to eat. So what did you learn from this.
Son: i learned that the bugs that wake up early gets eaten by birds

Cake Day Joke!

An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me – you do not want that parrot!
She said, I can teach it good manners.  
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, Did you learn your lesson? It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet. 
The parrot said Brr… Yes I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?

For son's birthday, Dad buys him a bass guitar...

...and pays for 5 lessons.
After the first lesson, the boy gets home and Dad asks "What did you learn today?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the E string." the son says proudly.
After the second lesson, the dad asks "What did you learn this time?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the A string." the boy says.
After the third lesson, the Dad waits at home for what seems like hours. Around 2am, the son finally comes home, smelling of whiskey and cigarettes.
"Where the h**... have you been?" Dad demands.
"Sorry dad, I had a gig!"

A lesson from my life as a monk

I learned a lot during my years at the monastery. One thing I still remember is that our vow of poverty meant that we were expected to go to great lengths to look after our one robe, including mending and from time to time dying them to their regulation dark hue.
One thing that surprised me was how rough and scratchy the dye made the material over many years.
Old habits dye hard.

A fifteen year old kid gets an upright bass and starts to take lessons.

After his first lesson, his dad asks him, "what did you learn today?" "I learned to play the A note." After his second lesson his dad asks again, and he responds "I learned to play the D note." After his third lesson his dad asks again and he responds, "I learned to play the E note." After the fourth lesson his dad asks, and the kid responds, "I don't need lessons anymore. I've got a gig with a bluegrass band."