Leonardo Jokes

What are some Leonardo jokes?

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.

I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."

Who's Leonardo Dicaprio's least favorite Sesame Street character?

Oscar

im so sorry

What's the difference between Leonardo Dicaprio and Sesame Street?

Sesame Street has an Oscar.

Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie

Tom hanks says "I'll produce it"

Leonardo DiCaprio says "I'll direct it"

Matthew McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...

So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.

What's the difference between a South African prison and Leonardo Dicaprio?

A South African prison has an Oscar

When I'm feeling down.

I just remind myself that I've won just as many Oscars as Leonardo Dicaprio

How was your job interview yesterday?

Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting foron the table....

He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop...

He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "The wolf of wall street" movie...

So I took the laptop and left...

Left... ?? Then what ??

Nothing...

30 minutes later he called me up, begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it.....

So I asked him:

Will you buy it ??

Why did Leonardo DiCaprio visit Sesame Street?

It was his only chance to see an Oscar

What's 18 inches long and never gets used?

Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.

How did your interview go yesterday?

\- Well, I entered the office and found the interviewer sitting on a large black leather chair. He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to go outside with it and then come back and try to sell it. He thought himself as Leonardo DiCaprio from the Wolf of Wall Street.

\- So what did you do?

\- Well, obviously I obliged. I took the laptop and left the room.

\- Then what?

\- Nothing. 30 minutes later he called me up. Begging me to return it cause all his important documents were in it. So I asked him: will you buy it?

A joke from work

Four famous actors get together and decide to dress up as famous artists for Halloween.

Leonardo DiCaprio says he'll go as Da Vinci since they have the same first name.

Tom Cruise says he'll go as Van Gogh so they have two painters.

Bill Murray says he'll go as Beethoven since he likes his music.

Arnold Schwarzenegger just looks at them and says "I'll be Bach."

What do a common garbage can and Leonardo DiCaprio have in common?

No Oscar!

Oscar

If you're Leonardo, you must have got it by now.

The Monks and the Merchant. A joke penned by Leonardo Da Vinci

Franciscan begging Friars are wont, at certain times, to keep fasts, when they do not eat meat in their convents. But on journeys, as they live on charity, they have license to eat whatever is set before them. Now a couple of these friars on their travels, stopped at an inn, in company with a certain merchant, and sat down with him at the same table, where, from the poverty of the inn, nothing was served to them but a small roast chicken. The merchant, seeing this to be but little even for himself, turned to the friars and said: "If my memory serves me, you do not eat any kind of flesh in your convents at this season." At these words the friars were compelled by their rule to admit, without cavil, that this was the truth; so the merchant had his wish, and eat the chicken and the friars did the best they could. After dinner the messmates departed, all three together, and after travelling some distance they came to a river of some width and depth. All three being on foot--the friars by reason of their poverty, and the other from avarice--it was necessary by the custom of company that one of the friars, being barefoot, should carry the merchant on his shoulders: so having given his wooden shoes into his keeping, he took up his man. But it so happened that when the friar had got to the middle of the river, he again remembered a rule of his order, and stopping short, he looked up, like Saint Christopher, to the burden on his back and said: "Tell me, have you any money about you?"--"You know I have", answered the other, "How do you suppose that a Merchant like me should go about otherwise?" "Alack!" cried the friar, "our rules forbid as to carry any money on our persons," and forthwith he dropped him into the water

A man approached me on the train...

...and said "Remember Leonardo DiCaprio," and then ran away.

Later when I was grocery shopping, the same man came over to me and said "Remember Leonardo DiCaprio," and then ran away.

Then at night, when I was at a bar, the man came, said "Remember Leonardo diCaprio," and ran away.

When I had gone to bed and was trying to fall asleep, he entered my room, said "Remember Leonardo DiCaprio," and ran away.

At that point I had gotten tired of him so I called the police. They asked if I could tell them anything about him. "I do not know his name," I told them, "but he reminds me of Leonardo DiCaprio."

When I first meet someone I always want to talk about that movie with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio...

but the Titanic is a terrible ice breaker.

Some actors were planning to make a movie on famous composers

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks were all making a movie about famous composers. Leo said, "I'd like to play Beethoven." Tom said, "I'd like to play Mozart." Arnie said "I'll be Bach"

I already used my wishes

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

What do you call a 15th century Renaissance painter who is also a crab?

Leonardo da Pinci

What's pretty and expensive but has no use?

Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar shelf.

Leo's First Oscar

Leonardo DiCaprio in the delivery room.
Leo: "What is it doc?!"

Doctor: "It's a bo-"

Leo: "NO! NO! LIKE WE REHEARSED!"

*Doctor sighs, handing the baby boy to Leo*

Doctor: "And the "Oscar" goes to Leonardo DiCaprio for the role of Father in Conception.

What's it called when you cut off Leonardo DiCaprio's head

DiCapritation

More girls chase after me everyday than Leonardo, Channing Tatum and Ronaldo combined

-Bus driver

A Swedish bartender is found to be the spitting image of Leonardo DiCaprio

As it turns out, they have the same amount of Oscars, too.

I want to be like Leonardo DiCaprio from Inception.

He has a dream job.

What did Leonardo DiCaprio name his son?

Leonardo DiCapriSun

Hollywood Halloween

Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone were discussing their next Halloween costumes. They wanted to get away from the typical scary characters and do something different.

Bruce: 'how about historical figures? I'll go as Freud.'

Sly: 'ok, sounds good. I'll go as Leonardo Da Vinci.'

Arnold Schwarzenegger overhears their discussion, walks over and replies 'I'll be Bach.'

What do Leonardo Dicaprio Babe Ruth have in common?

They both won when neither of them were competing against black people!

There should be a fictional biopic about Leonardo DiCaprio's fight for his oscar.

But I guess whoever plays him will win an Oscar for it.

Did you hear about the man who cut his own head off after the Academy Awards?

He was Leonardo DiCapitated.

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Mathew McConaughey are in a coffee shop to discuss a new movie:

Clooney: I'll direct.

DiCaprio: I'll act.

McConaughey: I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.

What did Leonardo DaVinci call his house?

The DaVinci Abode

How to make Leonardo jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Leonardo to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Leonardo? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Leonardo pick up lines to share with friends.

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