Lenin Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Lenin in Warsaw

A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.

Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.

First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, but—where was Lenin?

The director answers: In Warsaw.

An old Soviet joke..

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

Why can you never trust a car made in the Soviet Union?

They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin.

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...

The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving."

After sitting in the dark for a while, Gorbachev breaks the silence and says "Hey, any of you guys wanna pick up some McDonalds?"

Bought a Russian car...

The salesman said it was the krem de la kremlin, but every time it's putin gear, it keeps stalin. My wife said, "Crimea river, I'm not lenin you my car!"

A Russian university valedictorian (from my Russian history prof)

A valedictorian at a Russian university was giving his graduation speech. As a finale, the Party Secretary who was in attendance asked the young man two rehearsed questions: "Who is your mother?"

"The Party," the young man replied.

"And who is your father?" the Party Secretary asked next.

"Lenin," the valedictorian said.

Then, unrehearsed, the Party Secretary asked a third question: "And what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"An orphan."

Lenin in Poland

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland."

The artist is confused; "Lenin never went to Poland" he claims. The commissioner doesnt care about the facts however, and just wants the painting.

When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.

One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

Lenin,Stalin and Gorbachev were riding on a train...

When it came to a halt,the engineer said,"Our engine has failed,What shall i do?"."Let the invincible spirit of the people pulls us on!" Lenin declared."Shoot the engineer!" offered Stalin.And Gorbachev suggested, "Close the shades and we can pretend we're moving forward."

What score did Lenin get on his exam paper?

...Full Marx

Old Russian joke from Soviet times

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly, the train stops.

Lenin suggests: "Perhaps we should announce a subbotnik (volunteer work-program), so that workers and peasants will fix the problem."

Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "If the train does not start moving, the driver will be shot!"

Khrushchev then chimes in, "Let's take the rails from behind the train and use them to lay the tracks in front".

Then Brezhnev says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!"

original me and a friend created!

A: Knock Knock!

B: who's there?

A: a communist

B: a communist who?

A: stop Stalin, and open the door!

*opens the door*

A: thanks for Lenin me in!


i think i made this up, but if somebody already made this up, oh well then!

I was forced to drop out of communism class...

I wasn't Lenin anything, my grades were Stalin, and my Marx were terrible!

Lenin, on his death bed, said to Stalin: How will you rule if so many do not wish to follow you?

Stalin calmly smiled at him: Don't worry, those who won't follow me, I'll make them follow you

What's a Russian's favorite clothing material?

Lenin

My Russian automobile is getting pretty shitty at this point...

Soviet, I'm Lenin towards Putin that Stalin, Ruski thing on Craigslist

Lenin should have known Communism would fail.

All the red flags were there.

1945. Lenin's ghost comes to visit Stalin

Stalin tells the undead Lenin: "See, comrade Lenin, you doubted that the Soviet people will follow me, but in fact they do!"
To which Lenin replies: "Increase the food rations, or else the Soviet people will follow me".

What did the communist say to his co-worker?

Quit Stalin and start Lenin me a hand

What do communists make their beds with?

Lenin.

Do you like my Russian leader puns?

Ivan practicing.

And if you need to borrow money I'll Lenin to you.

What do you call it when Lenin, Trotsky, and Stalin get together for a drink?

A communist party

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland."

When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. A voice calls out, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

Soviet Russia used to have a leader who was also a singer in a rock band.

He's none other than John Lenin.

You know who could really get a party started?

Lenin.

What type of fabric does communist Russia use?

Lenin.

I was working with a Russian...

... we were running late but he wasn't russian enough, so I told him there's no time for stalin, but he was just lenin it be.

Lenin, stop Stalin

We gotta Putin a good leader

Grammatical error

My friend was peer-reviewing my essay on the Russian Revolution in class today, when he pointed out that I had written lenin instead of Lenin. I looked him dead in the eye and said, "You never capitalize lenin."

Different ethnic groups in the USSR have a meeting.

Each group has a representative, who must talk about what it is like living in the soviet union (and praise lenin and communism along the way if they don't want to get killed).

The Chukchi people live in Siberia, and haven't had it so great under soviet rule. Their representative begins to speak.

"After the revolution, in 1922 when the soviet union was formed, we had 1 feeling: cold."

"A few years later, we began to have another feeling: hunger."

This raised some eyebrows.

"And now we have 3 feelings: cold, hunger, and a great appreciation for the communist party."

Vladimir Lenin and Nadezhda Krupskaya are sitting on the veranda of their dacha.

Krupskaya turns to Lenin and asks, "Vladimir Ilich, if you were to die, would you want to be buried or cremated?"

Lenin replies, "I don't give a shit. They could make me a mummy for all I know."

How did Lenin do in his school tests?

He had full Marx

Question in a Soviet radio.

"What is your favorite historic figure and why Lenin?"

Did you hear the one about the three russians who robbed a bank?

The first was Stalin the cops, the second was Putin the money in the bag, and the third was Lenin a hand to the second.

Who was Russia's most famous popstar?

John Lenin

Soviet beds

In soviet union, we do not have two person bed, we have the three person bed.

Why?

Because comrade lenin is always with you!

What does Lenin say when he his angry?

I will hit you so hard that it will leave a Marx.

I saw Lenin pick his nose the other day...

Communists have no class...

What's the best way to become a Russian leader?

Stop Stalin! Just Putin the effort and start Lenin it happen!

Did You Know Lenin Had a Motorcycle?

Yeah! He had a 4-stroke!

What's a communists favorite fabric?

Lenin

What are Russian clothes always made out of?

Lenin.

- How can I find Lenin square?

- You just multiply Lenin by Lenin

Lenin, Hitler, and Stalin were in a plane crash. Who was saved?

The Russian people

"The Fault in our Tsars"

By Vladimir Lenin

What do you call a communist pop star?

John Lenin.

What's a communist's favorite singer?

John Lenin

Sovietskoye

Semyonov, a local party secretary, stopped Kagonovich on the street.

"Comrade," he asked, "why don't you come for ideological instruction every Tuesday and Thursday evening?"

"I don't need it," said Kagonovich.

"Who was Karl Marx?" asked Semyonov.

"I don't know."

"Who was Vladimir Lenin?"

"I don't know."

Semyonov went on and on.

Finally Kagonovich interrupted, "You ask me who is this and who is that. Let me ask you! Who is Rudolf Ulyanov?"

"I don't know," replied the secretary.

"Ah!" said Kagonovich. "But I know that one. While you are at ideological instruction every Tuesday and Thursday night, Rudolf Ulyanov is screwing your wife!"

Where does Lenin take his showers?

Behind the Iron Curtain!

What are the funniest lenin jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Lenin? Well, here are the best Lenin puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Lenin pick up lines to share with friends.

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