Length Jokes

86 length jokes and hilarious length puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about length that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article explores comedy through the lens of length. Learn about the best medium length jokes, long length jokes, and short length jokes. Discover the jokes related to distance, measure, and hair length that will have you laughing.

Funniest Length Short Jokes

Short length jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The length humour may include short size jokes also.

  1. Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim. Within arm's length, to be specific.
  2. Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth ... but then they realized No Man's sky was invented already.
  3. I just opened up a gym where my entire staff asks you a series of annoying questions every so often for the length of your stay. Welcome to Jehovah's Fitness.
  4. Life expectancy of AIDS patients can be 30-40 years. No wonder all the africans want to get it, it could triple the length of their lives.
  5. arm's length what do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
    a speech impediment
  6. Because hippos are surprisingly dangerous, zoologists use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate the length of their backs. This is called finding the hippotenuse.
  7. Why do all the ladies love Jesus? (spreads out arms to fullest length)
    Because he was hung like this.
  8. Apple employee pick-up lines. "Are you a play button? Because I'd zero-length swipe that."
  9. Arnold Scwharzanegger gets a call from his agent about a feature length film based around classical music. When asked which character he'd most like to play, 'I'll be Bach'.
  10. Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off? He writes everything in shorthand now

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Length One Liners

Which length one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with length? I can suggest the ones about short and height.

  1. Which is more important to women, length or girth? Turns out it's consent.
  2. What do you call a snake that grows to 3.14m in length? A π-thon. (A pi-thon)
  3. Shoutout to the Ampersand for both increasing & decreasing the length of the word "and".
  4. Does length matter? Short answer: no. Long answer: yes.
  5. What do you call a half-length lightsabre? A slightsabre
  6. What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length? A Kylometer
  7. What do men and Subway have in common? They both exaggerate the length.
  8. My beard is at its optimal length. If it gets any longer things get a bit hairy.
  9. I don't like my hands I always keep them at arm's length
  10. A year has the same length of an hour. Four letters each.
  11. I would go to any lengths to find a good measuring tape.
  12. I've taken every male enhancement on the market You won't believe the lengths I've gone.
  13. If North Korea released a rocket launch blooper video... It'd be a feature-length film
  14. Whats the scariest part about Stephen King Novels? The length
  15. I was sorry to hear I'd failed the analogy course... It hit me like a length of ham

Long Length Jokes

Here is a list of funny long length jokes and even better long length puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I had a 1 year long-distance relationship with a woman I'd never met, but when I finally met her supposedly length mattered
  • To whoever stole my full length mirror... Please go take a good hard, long look at yourself.
  • How long is an Asian name? Depends on the length of the stairs.
  • "How long is your wait?" "I don't know, how heavy is your length?"
  • My girlfriend asked me why I always kept her at an arm's length... "...because my d**...'s that long"

Inches Length Jokes

Here is a list of funny inches length jokes and even better inches length puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • So I entered a race where we had to sprint the length of a 12 inch ruler It was a foot race
Length joke, So I entered a race where we had to sprint the length of a 12 inch ruler

Short Length Jokes

Here is a list of funny short length jokes and even better short length puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I have a fear of missing targets at short distances So I aim to go to great lengths to solve my phobia.
Length joke, I have a fear of missing targets at short distances

Howlingly Hilarious Length Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy

What funny jokes about length you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean width jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make length pranks.

[garden of eden]

**Snake:** Pssst! want an apple?
**Eve:** No thanks, I do not sin.
**Snake:** What's the length of the opposite side of a 30° right triangle with a hypotenuse of 20?
**Eve:** 10
**Snake:** Thanksss
**Adam:** How did you calculate that?
**Eve:** Oh no.

Raisin Bread

A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "Is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man: "but it's quivering a bit!"

So I was making this image...

There's this cat, and he's trying to find out how much cheese there is in a gyro. He knows its radius and length, but he asks "I can haz cheez density?"
Yeah, I know, it's not very funny.
I should probably stop using math and feta memes.

2 Polish Guys

Were trying to measure the height of a flagpole. They had a tape measure with them and were trying to climb the flagpole, measure in hand. A man walks by and says, "why don't you guys just lay it on the ground and measure it?" One of the Poles replies, "Because we want to measure its height, not length!"

Einstein, Newton & Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein starts counting "1...2...3..." and Pascal immediately runs away to hide. Instead of hiding Newton knees down and draws a square of one meter side length. Then he steps inside of it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around. He instantly yells "Newton I have found you!" But Newton replies: "No, what you see is one Newton over one square meter - so what you have found is one Pascal."

Why do older polygons make sure their sides all stay an equal length?

It keeps you regular.

What did the tailor say to his customer after shortening the length of his pants?


Birthday Party

My friend's college mentor told her this story:
"So, my friend turned 32 last week, and we wanted to do something for his birthday so we put together a really quick party, only about half a minute long, and when the party ended, he was really confused and asked about the length of the party."
It was his thirty second birthday.

In school, we had an assembly on bullying

The teacher spoke about a young gay boy, being bullied because of his sexuality. She spoke in length about his life, and the verbal a**... he suffers. She then asked a question, 'How do you think he takes it?' Apparently, 'Up the a**...!' wasn't a suitable answer.

What two words will, when heard, get any Trump supporter to rant at length about Hillary Clinton?

"Donald" and "Trump".

The rope joke

A man is walking down the street one day when he notices another man coming towards him, dragging a length of rope. It's about 20 feet long and not tied to anything, so as they pass the first man says, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your rope. May I ask why you're pulling it along?"
The second guy laughs and says, "You really need to ask? Have you ever tried to push a rope!?"

What do you call a h**... that can backflip the entire length of a field?

A Park-w**...

Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender

As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.
He asks the bartender, *"What's with the gorilla?"*
The bartender says, *"Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"*
So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumbering down the length of the bar.
The bartender pulls out a heavy steel pipe and hits the gorilla in the side of its head. The gorilla drops to its knees and starts giving the bartender a b**....
*"Wow!"*, says the guy.
The bartender says, *"Pretty amazing, huh? You want to try?"*
The guys says, *"Yeah, sure! Just don't hit me so hard."*

Every man has one of me, though i differ in length. Their wives use me after marriage. What am I?

Last name.

I think women have a better vocabulary than men...

Because they understand that it's the utility of the word and not it's length that really matters.

What's the difference between a length of pipe and a pale Dutchman?

One's a hollow cylinder, and the other's a sallow Hollander.

A friend of mine was given a new iwatch but he was suspicious someone was using it to spy on him.

Ever cautious he told me he likes to keep it at arms length.

How many canaries can you fit under a Scottsman's kilt?

Depends on the length of the perch.

An old lady told me this

You know how rubber gloves are made? They hire all kinds of people; black guys, white guys,boys, girls, men, women; and have them all dip their hands in liquid hot rubber. You get all manner of gloves from this. Big ones, small ones, medical gloves, elbow length cleaning gloves. The more durable the glove, the longer they have to hold their hand in the molten rubber.
Betcha can't guess how condoms are made?

What do you call a mans exaggeration of his length?

w**...'s round up.

A scientist wanted to study the length of a frog's jump, he began the study by telling the frog to jump, it jumped 10 feet. He then cut off the frog's front legs and told it to jump, it jumped 5 feet. The scientist then cut off the frog's back legs.

He told it to jump once more but it remained motionless. The scientist concluded that when you cut a frog's legs off it becomes deaf.

One for the Mathematicians

Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flagpole.
They only have a measuring tape, and they have not been able to slide the tape up the pole.
A mathematician asks what they are doing, and they explain.
The solution is easy, she says. She pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it.
After she leaves, one of the engineers says,
That is so typical! We tell a mathematician we need the height – and she gives us the length!

What kind of poultry is good at dancing?

A twerkey!
Apologies for the awful joke. Thought of it this morning and it made me laugh for an unreasonable length of time.

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

Taking the side length that's opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon.

It's considered a sin.

Fun Fact: A male chameleons tongue is 1-1.5 times their bodies length and can fire in & out really fast.

Another fun fact: female chameleons are very happy.

What does changing a password and my wife have in common?

They both keep saying "the input provided does not meet the minimum length requirements."

If God says m**... is wrong,

then why did God make our arms the perfect length to reach it?

The only Physics Problem which could not be solved by topper of the class is,

Find the force required to LOWER THE BAR of mass (m) and length (l) which is at a height (h).

I'm disappointed to say I failed my analogy course

It hit me like a length of ham

My roommate complained about me peeing in the shower, but to my way of thinking it's just a sensible way to save water.

Also, it's not like I'm going to miss from less than arm's length away.
And even if I do splash on her feet, it rinses right off at once.

Pennywise the clown talked to me about the idea of multiplying a prism's length width and height.

It spoke volumes to me.

A fathom is a unit of length equivalent to 6 feet, so not respecting social distance would be rather...


Favorite interactive joke from my childhood.

You go to shake someone's hand and continue shaking it for the whole length of the joke.
F1: hey my name is ***** what's yours?
F2: my names ****
F1: nice to meet you. Do you live in a house?
F1: I live in a shack... do you use the toliet?
F1: I have to use a can...... do you use toliet paper?
F2: Yes
F1: I use my hands

A man is walking down the street with a length of string trailing behind him ...

Why are you pulling that string along ? asked a nosey cop. The mans answer? You try pushing it !

First trip to the USA

My friend and I visited the USA. We landed at LAX and after an epoch, we cleared Homeland Security and got our luggage.
My friend immediately pulled out a pair of brown, furry, shoulder length gloves and pulled them on. I stared at him. He looked ridiculous - the gloves even had claws.
"What are you doing??" I asked incredulously.
""Exercising my freedom. Now I'm here, I have the right to Bear arms!"

Finally found the perfect length of time to smoke w**...

For twenty minutes

What is the definition of eternity?

It's the length of time between when you come and when she leaves.

I saw a man pulling a length of rope behind him on the street the other day...

Me: Why are you pulling that rope?
Man: You want to try pushing it!

Snakes are the fastest growing animals, said a kid to his father.

The father: how did you know ?
The kid: my old brother killed a 40-inch-long snake, and everytime he tells the story the snake's length increases by 20 inches.

Length joke, Snakes are the fastest growing animals, said a kid to his father.

jokes about length