Length Jokes
84 length jokes and hilarious length puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about length that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores comedy through the lens of length. Learn about the best medium length jokes, long length jokes, and short length jokes. Discover the jokes related to distance, measure, and hair length that will have you laughing.
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Funniest Length Short Jokes
Short length jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The length humour may include short size jokes also.
- Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim. Within arm's length, to be specific.
- Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth ... but then they realized No Man's sky was invented already.
- I just opened up a gym where my entire staff asks you a series of annoying questions every so often for the length of your stay. Welcome to Jehovah's Fitness.
- arm's length what do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
a speech impediment - Because hippos are surprisingly dangerous, zoologists use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate the length of their backs. This is called finding the hippotenuse.
- Apple employee pick-up lines. "Are you a play button? Because I'd zero-length swipe that."
- Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off? He writes everything in shorthand now
- A man is walking down the street with a length of string trailing behind him ... Why are you pulling that string along ? asked a nosey cop. The mans answer? You try pushing it !
- What kind of poultry is good at dancing? A twerkey!
Apologies for the awful joke. Thought of it this morning and it made me laugh for an unreasonable length of time. - What is the definition of eternity? It's the length of time between when you come and when she leaves.
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Length One Liners
Which length one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with length? I can suggest the ones about short and height.
- Which is more important to women, length or girth? Turns out it's consent.
- Shoutout to the Ampersand for both increasing & decreasing the length of the word "and".
- Does length matter? Short answer: no. Long answer: yes.
- What do you call a half-length lightsabre? A slightsabre
- What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length? A Kylometer
- My beard is at its optimal length. If it gets any longer things get a bit hairy.
- I don't like my hands I always keep them at arm's length
- A year has the same length of an hour. Four letters each.
- I would go to any lengths to find a good measuring tape.
- I've taken every male enhancement on the market You won't believe the lengths I've gone.
- If North Korea released a rocket launch blooper video... It'd be a feature-length film
- Whats the scariest part about Stephen King Novels? The length
- I was sorry to hear I'd failed the analogy course... It hit me like a length of ham
- What did the tailor say to his customer after shortening the length of his pants? A-hem!
- How do you calculate the length of rosemary? Sprigonometry
Long Length Jokes
Here is a list of funny long length jokes and even better long length puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I had a 1 year long-distance relationship with a woman I'd never met, but when I finally met her supposedly length mattered
- How long is an Asian name? Depends on the length of the stairs.
- "How long is your wait?" "I don't know, how heavy is your length?"
Inches Length Jokes
Here is a list of funny inches length jokes and even better inches length puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So I entered a race where we had to sprint the length of a 12 inch ruler It was a foot race
Short Length Jokes
Here is a list of funny short length jokes and even better short length puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I have a fear of missing targets at short distances So I aim to go to great lengths to solve my phobia.
Howlingly Hilarious Length Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about length you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean width jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make length pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[garden of eden]
**Snake:** Pssst! want an apple?
**Eve:** No thanks, I do not sin.
**Snake:** What's the length of the opposite side of a 30° right triangle with a hypotenuse of 20?
**Eve:** 10
**Snake:** Thanksss
**Adam:** How did you calculate that?
**Eve:** Oh no.
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.
"I'm a professional. In over twenty years, I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
Raisin Bread
A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "Is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man: "but it's quivering a bit!"
So I was making this image...
There's this cat, and he's trying to find out how much cheese there is in a gyro. He knows its radius and length, but he asks "I can haz cheez density?"
Yeah, I know, it's not very funny.
I should probably stop using math and feta memes.
Pool
Went for a swim in one of those infinity pools earlier...couldn't finish a length :-(
2 Polish Guys
Were trying to measure the height of a flagpole. They had a tape measure with them and were trying to climb the flagpole, measure in hand. A man walks by and says, "why don't you guys just lay it on the ground and measure it?" One of the Poles replies, "Because we want to measure its height, not length!"
What's the length of the world's smalest possible sea creature
A PLANCKton unit
Lets make a circle!
One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.
The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said..... "I declare myself to be on the outside."
"Of course I won't laugh."
Said the nurse. "I am a professional. In over 20 years of working here, I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay, then," Said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to suppress a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very bad at laughing at the mans part she composed herself as well as she could. "I am very sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor, as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"Its swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
Dinner with Girlfriends parents..
Ambitious boyfriend visits a chemist store to buy some condoms for the evening..
The store owner recommends him some new flavoured and textured codoms and the guy talks at length with him on the evolution of condoms and finally buys a pack of six..
Upon reaching his girlfriends place in the evening he is introduced to his GFs father.
He bows down before him as a mark of respect and is in that position for sometime
"I didnt know you believed in the asian custom of bowing" says his GF.
In a nervous murmur, he exclaims "I didnt know that your father was a chemist!"
Why do older polygons make sure their sides all stay an equal length?
It keeps you regular.
Birthday Party
My friend's college mentor told her this story:
"So, my friend turned 32 last week, and we wanted to do something for his birthday so we put together a really quick party, only about half a minute long, and when the party ended, he was really confused and asked about the length of the party."
It was his thirty second birthday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do men and Subway have in common?
They both exaggerate the length.
'Of course I won't laugh,' said the nurse.
'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' said Dave, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen',he said.....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In school, we had an assembly on bullying
The teacher spoke about a young gay boy, being bullied because of his sexuality. She spoke in length about his life, and the verbal a**... he suffers. She then asked a question, 'How do you think he takes it?' Apparently, 'Up the a**...!' wasn't a suitable answer.
What two words will, when heard, get any Trump supporter to rant at length about Hillary Clinton?
"Donald" and "Trump".
The rope joke
A man is walking down the street one day when he notices another man coming towards him, dragging a length of rope. It's about 20 feet long and not tied to anything, so as they pass the first man says, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your rope. May I ask why you're pulling it along?"
The second guy laughs and says, "You really need to ask? Have you ever tried to push a rope!?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a h**... that can backflip the entire length of a field?
A Park-w**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer from the bartender
As he is sipping his beverage, he looks down and sees a gorilla sitting at the other end.
He asks the bartender, *"What's with the gorilla?"*
The bartender says, *"Oh, that's Mable. She does a trick. Want to see it?"*
*"Sure"*
So the bartender whistles and Mable comes lumbering down the length of the bar.
The bartender pulls out a heavy steel pipe and hits the gorilla in the side of its head. The gorilla drops to its knees and starts giving the bartender a b**....
*"Wow!"*, says the guy.
The bartender says, *"Pretty amazing, huh? You want to try?"*
The guys says, *"Yeah, sure! Just don't hit me so hard."*
Every man has one of me, though i differ in length. Their wives use me after marriage. What am I?
Last name.
I think women have a better vocabulary than men...
Because they understand that it's the utility of the word and not it's length that really matters.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's a r**...'s favorite length of metric measurement?
A mulletmeter.
A friend of mine was given a new iwatch but he was suspicious someone was using it to spy on him.
Ever cautious he told me he likes to keep it at arms length.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To whoever stole my full length mirror...
Please go take a good hard, long look at yourself.
An old lady told me this
You know how rubber gloves are made? They hire all kinds of people; black guys, white guys,boys, girls, men, women; and have them all dip their hands in liquid hot rubber. You get all manner of gloves from this. Big ones, small ones, medical gloves, elbow length cleaning gloves. The more durable the glove, the longer they have to hold their hand in the molten rubber.
Betcha can't guess how condoms are made?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a mans exaggeration of his length?
w**...'s round up.
A trick with a tie
Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?
Dad: Let's see it.
Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?
Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?
Dad: I have no idea.
Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):
It's a tie, dad.
One for the Mathematicians
Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flagpole.
They only have a measuring tape, and they have not been able to slide the tape up the pole.
A mathematician asks what they are doing, and they explain.
The solution is easy, she says. She pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it.
After she leaves, one of the engineers says,
That is so typical! We tell a mathematician we need the height – and she gives us the length!
Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.
It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.
Taking the side length that's opposite of an angle in a right triangle is very much frowned upon.
It's considered a sin.
Fun Fact: A male chameleons tongue is 1-1.5 times their bodies length and can fire in & out really fast.
Another fun fact: female chameleons are very happy.
What does changing a password and my wife have in common?
They both keep saying "the input provided does not meet the minimum length requirements."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If God says m**... is wrong,
then why did God make our arms the perfect length to reach it?
The only Physics Problem which could not be solved by topper of the class is,
Find the force required to LOWER THE BAR of mass (m) and length (l) which is at a height (h).
My roommate complained about me peeing in the shower, but to my way of thinking it's just a sensible way to save water.
Also, it's not like I'm going to miss from less than arm's length away.
And even if I do splash on her feet, it rinses right off at once.
Pennywise the clown talked to me about the idea of multiplying a prism's length width and height.
It spoke volumes to me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Favorite interactive joke from my childhood.
You go to shake someone's hand and continue shaking it for the whole length of the joke.
F1: hey my name is ***** what's yours?
F2: my names ****
F1: nice to meet you. Do you live in a house?
F2:yes
F1: I live in a shack... do you use the toliet?
F2:yes
F1: I have to use a can...... do you use toliet paper?
F2: Yes
F1: I use my hands
First trip to the USA
My friend and I visited the USA. We landed at LAX and after an epoch, we cleared Homeland Security and got our luggage.
My friend immediately pulled out a pair of brown, furry, shoulder length gloves and pulled them on. I stared at him. He looked ridiculous - the gloves even had claws.
"What are you doing??" I asked incredulously.
""Exercising my freedom. Now I'm here, I have the right to Bear arms!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Finally found the perfect length of time to smoke w**...
For twenty minutes
Snakes are the fastest growing animals, said a kid to his father.
The father: how did you know ?
The kid: my old brother killed a 40-inch-long snake, and everytime he tells the story the snake's length increases by 20 inches.
