Lemon Jokes
117 lemon jokes and hilarious lemon puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lemon that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with these zesty lemon jokes. Get ready to pucker up with these flirty lemon, raspberry and lime inspired jokes that are sure to leave you in a twist! Get ready to laugh, giggle and squeeze in all the fun with these zesty, zingy lemon jokes!
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Funniest Lemon Short Jokes
Short lemon jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lemon humour may include short citrus jokes also.
- Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00? Those are the pie rates of the carribean.
- Gordon Ramsey goes to Australia and makes a lemon meringue pie. The whole audience cheers! "That's strange," he says, "I thought Australians usually boo meringue."
- Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting. "A lemon tree, Watson".
- Sick Lemon and Sick Bird What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonade - What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions? An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
- Watson found Holmes busily painting the front door bright yellow. "What on earth is that, Holmes?"
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson." - Well my father always told me, "when life gives you lemons, chances are you're in the fruit aisle and shouldn't overthink the situation
- Sherlock had a lemon, and Watson asked him where it came from. Sherlock said... A lemon tree, my dear Watson.
- If life gives you lemons, politely thank life, then, when life's not looking, throw the lemons into a duck pond.
- "Doctor, Doctor I think I have a disease" said the Lemon "I'm so sorry to tell you this", replies the doctor, "You've got Lemonaids."
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Lemon One Liners
Which lemon one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lemon? I can suggest the ones about citrus fruit and lime.
- What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon? He got lemonaids.
- Tell me, Sherlock, where do lemons come from? A lemon tree, dear Watson.
- What's a lemons worst nightmare? Lemonaids
- You can't put a price on slippery lemons.
- What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-Aid
- When life gives you lemons... ... a simple surgery can give you melons.
- If you see someone doing a crossword Lean over and tell them seven up is Lemon-lime
- How are synagogues like lemons? They're full of acidic juice.
- What do you give to an injured lemon? Lemon-aid.
Courtesy of my daughter. - What do you get when you ask a lemon for help? Lemon aid
- If life gives you lemons... Apply it on your hair, it's good for preventing dandruff.
- What do you call a cat who eats a lemon? A sourpuss.
- What's a monkeys favourite dessert? Lemon Morangutan Pie.
I'm sorry. - How do you help a lemon? Lemon-aid.
- What happens when life gives you pickles instead of lemons? You dill with it.
Lemon Juice Jokes
Here is a list of funny lemon juice jokes and even better lemon juice puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- TIL my ex uses lemon juice for her complexion... No wonder she always looks sour
- Dr Watson asks Sherlock Holmes... "Holmes, why are you spreading fruit juice on my buttocks?"
"Lemon entry dear Watson, Lemon entry" - How do you cause a geopolitical crisis? Add lemon juice to milk and the Kurds will separate
- What is the similarity between lemon and banana? Can't make mango juice outta them.
- The next person who asks me for a mixture of apple juice, pineapple juice and lemon juice is gonna get a punch. Ecks dee
- Lemonaid What kind of juice do you get from sick lemons?
LemonAIDS - Why was Jamie Oliver cleaning the floor? There was lemon juice oliver.
- when life gives you lemons make apple juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
- You people remind me of lemons.... You're sour, some people like you, and your juices can be squeezed out for money.
- If you want a clean microwave, use lemon juice. If you want a dirty microwave, use olive juice.
Lemon And Lime Jokes
Here is a list of funny lemon and lime jokes and even better lemon and lime puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked my wife for one of those lemon-lime sodas... When she brought back a Coke I said "you only did this out of Sprite."
- Why did the lemon turn green? Because he had lime disease
- I made a miniature lemon-lime pie... It was a little tart
- My friend was showing me around her loft. She said, "It's a bit eratic."
I said, "I know, there's lemon and lime peels everywhere." - A key lime pie costs $3.50 in Cuba, a lemon meringue pie costs $4.50 in the Dominican Republic... These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
- Limes are the best sour citrus fruit. And lemons are absolutely sub-lime.
- What do you get when you cross a lemon and a lime? Sprite.
- Why couldn't the lemon and the lime have s**...? Because that would be inzest.
- What happened to the man who had s**... with the mountain dew? he got lemon lime disease
Ridiculous Lemon Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about lemon you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean peach jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lemon pranks.
Half full, Half empty.
Now you might think that the glass is half full, and you might think that the glass is half empty, but engineers know that the glass is actually two times larger than it needs to be.
Politicians, on the other hand, have assured me that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge,
While surrealists think that the glass is half of a slowly rotting lemon.
Physicists happen to know that you can never know how much water is in the glass because just by measuring it you've changed the outcome.
Neutralists decline to comment.
This Joke Is A Real Lemon
A barman was very proud of the fact that he could squeeze a lemon so that no more juice would come out of it He made a standing offer of $1000 to anyone who could get more juice out of a lemon after he'd squeezed it. Every night big, burly regulars at the bar attempted to get more juice from a lemon he'd squeezed, but no one could produce so much as a drop. But one night, a little bloke walked in and said he'd heard of the standing offer and would like to try. The barman said 'How do you think you could succeed when all these blokes have failed?' And the little guy said: 'Just give me a chance and I'll show you'.
So the barman, thinking his regulars would enjoy the joke, picked up a lemon and squeezed it. After squeezing all the juice he could out of it, he handed the dried ring to the little bloke and said: 'Here you go.' The little bloke took the lemon and squeezed it and managed to get one, two, three for fix, SIX more drops of juice. Amazed, the barman said: 'Well, here's your $1000. But what do you do for a living? Are you a professional bodybuilder or what?' And the little bloke said: 'No, I work for the Tax Department.'
Woman and her Cat
What did the woman do when a lemon tree fell her cat?
Nothing, she just stood there with a sour p**...
Lemonade Stand
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
"Mother Superior," said the novice nun . . .
"I have to confess that last night I committed the sin of fornication. Six times."
The Mother Superior thought a minute, then sliced up a lemon and handed it to the novice.
"Here, my child," she said. "Take and eat all of this."
"Will this absolve me of my sin?" asked the novice.
"No," said the Mother Superior. "But it will get that smile off your face!"
two groan worthy jokes I made up over breakfast
1.Q. What do you get when you cross a Triceratops and a lemon?
A. A Dino-sour
2.Q. Were do robots go to worship?
A. Mech-a
Lemonade
A man stumbles upon a little girl's lemonade stand and asks, "How much for a glass?" "First one's twenty-five cents," she responds. He hands her the money, downs the lemonade, and asks for another. "The second cup is twenty-five dollars", she states. Confused, the man asks, "Why?"
"This one has the antidote."
What do you call it when you eat a lemon at sunset?
The Golden Sour.
Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.
Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?"
Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."
So there's this lemon...
And he's running down the street.
He trips and falls on the sidewalk, leaving him with a n**... gash on his arm.
Luckily, another lemon walks by and patches him up with a Lemonaid kit.
(It's really bad, but the joke inspired my username. Just had to share.)
A nun joke.
A young nun has a man sneak into her room and r**... her. When the man leaves the young nun runs to the mother superior and tells her what happened.
"Quick, s**... on this lemon" The mother superior tells her, handing her half a lemon.
"Will that stop me getting pregnant?" Says the young nun.
"No" says the mother superior "but it will wipe that smile off your face."
Today I was offered s**...
I was offered s**... today, with a 21 year old girl, in exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available scented lemon or vanilla.
- Source - facebook though it was funny so I though I'd share.
I adore children.
A little salt, a squeeze of lemon - perfect.
My other half and I went to a restaurant.
I said to the waitress, "Can I have the lemon grilled salmon?"
"Do you want anything on the side?"
I said, "I can't answer that with my wife sitting next to me."
Did you hear the one about the s**... promiscuous citrus fruit?
He got lemon aids.
Bad holiday joke
I love Hollandaise sauce, and put it on everything, but the lemon juice in it reeks havoc on my dentures. My dentist said he has just the thing: dentures made of chrome. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
My girlfriend is always such a sourpuss.
Maybe I should stop using lemon flavored condoms.
What's your favorite preservative salt, vinegar, lemon?
Mine's embalming fluid.
My daughter keeps rubbing lemon skin all over herself.
I think she's pozest.
What do you call a lemon that has s**... with its family?
In*zest*uous
Sherlock was working on his garden, when Watson walked over and asked what he was planting.
"What are you planting?" said Watson.
"It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."
Sherlock and Watson were walking through an orchard...
As they walk Watson keeps asking Sherlock to identify the trees they are seeing. After some time they approach a clearing and in the centre is a lone tree.
Watson asks "Sherlock what is that tree with yellow skinned fruit?"
Sherlock smiles and replies "That's a lemon tree, my dear Watson"
A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people
and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'
Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, 'Who are you?'
The second man replied, 'Income tax officer.'
An old fire mage asks his granddaughter to help him set up a "Face Book".
After she helps him sign up, add some friends, and pick a profile picture, he decides to write a short profile description as well.
"What would you like it to say?" says the granddaughter.
"Well, first, I am a fire mage, and I... love lemon meringue."
The granddaughter nods "mm-hmm" and begins typing:
"Pie-romancer."
I was offered s**... from a 21 year old girl today
In exchange for that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standing with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner now available with lemon or vanilla.
Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced: "The m**... lives in the house with the yellow door."
"Good grief, Holmes," said Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?"
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."
What do you get when you cross a German with a lemon?
Sauerkraut.
Why should a lonesome man never have the s**... with a lemon?
... because of lemonaides!
Where do baby citrus fruits go to learn?
A lemon tree school
What do you say to a lemon that just lost his job and went through a divorce?
Zest la vie.
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes' diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...
To which Sherlock replied, Why, that's a lemon tree, my dear Watson.
Just before bed I take a dose of yeast with some Lemon Pledge.
It helps me rise and shine in the morning.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
Batman went to a restaurant.
Shortly after being seated, the waiter asks if he would like a drink.
"Water." Batman says in his gruff voice.
"Would you like ice and a lemon?"
Batman looks at him and says: "Justice."
Did you hear about the guy who had s**... with his sister in a pile of lemon peels?
It was in zest
What do you call a helpful lemon?
Lemonade
I was offered s**... by a 22-year old woman in exchange that I'd advertise some detergent powder for her
Of course I said no because of my strong will power. Which is just as strong as Vanish. The super strong detergent powder now 20% off and available in scented vanilla or lemon.
What's lamer than a lemon but cooler than a cucumber?
A radish.
I was offered s**... with a 21 year old girl today.
I was offered s**... with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
A husband and wife are getting ready for a costume party. Since they have nothing on hand to wear for the event, the husband suggests to his wife that she should put a lemon between her legs as he puts the potato between his. Confused, she asks what it's all about.
The husband says, "Honey, you be the sourpuss, and I'll be the dictator."
What do you call sibling lemon peels getting romantically involved with each other?
Inzest
What kind of lemon performs for charity?
Lemon Aid
I was offered s**... with a 21 year old girl today…
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a man with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon and vanilla scents!
Needless to say the search for the stolen lemon tree
Remained Fruitless
Give a man a fish
Give a man a fish, and he'll ask for a lemon.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll leave work early on Fridays.
Bob's first day in heaven:
God:... You're about to get your wings!
Bob:... Lemon pepper or BBQ ?
God:.... Get out.
What do you get when you have a cat that eats a lemon?
A sour p**...
Why is Lemonade bad?
Because it's Not-tea by nature.
Tonight I made salmon for supper
As it was gently cooking in a warm bath of garlic, herbs, lemon, wine, and onion I got a visit from a Fish and Wildlife officer. He said sir we have reason to believe that salmon has been poached
Joke 2#
What do you give to a sick lemon?
LEMON AID
What do you get if you crossbreed a dinosaur with a lemon?
A dinosour
Which fruit is most like a number?
... nine, ten, a lemon, twelve, ...
I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.
My friend gave me a lemon
I didn't really like it.
But I kept eating it.
Until the bitter end.
Sherlock Holmes enters Baker Street...
...with a basket of lemons.
Watson asks, "where did you get so many lemons from, Holmes "?
To which Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson."
What does a Single Lemon have in Common with Rocky?
Sliced alone
Managed to drop one of the classics today.
Wife and Daughter are sat watching something while I'm doing the Tesco shop on my phone. - Strawberry jam is on the list, I seize my moment
Y'know what i say
- now I think about it…. I like strawberry jam… and I like blackberry jam … but I don't like lemon preserve
That just a curd to me
Priceless!!!
What do you call it when a lemon is being helpful?
Lemon aid.
what do you give a lemon that needs medical attention?
Lemon-aid.
Sherlock Holmes returned to 221B Baker Street
He was carrying a box of lemons in his arms.
When Doctor Watson saw the box, he asked "Well where did those come from?"
And Holmes answered "A lemon tree, my dear Watson."
