The Best 62 Lemon Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Lemon jokes. There are some lemon kumquat jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these lemon pear puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Lemon Jokes and Puns

Half full, Half empty.

Now you might think that the glass is half full, and you might think that the glass is half empty, but engineers know that the glass is actually two times larger than it needs to be.

Politicians, on the other hand, have assured me that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge,

While surrealists think that the glass is half of a slowly rotting lemon.

Physicists happen to know that you can never know how much water is in the glass because just by measuring it you've changed the outcome.

Neutralists decline to comment.

This Joke Is A Real Lemon

A barman was very proud of the fact that he could squeeze a lemon so that no more juice would come out of it He made a standing offer of $1000 to anyone who could get more juice out of a lemon after he'd squeezed it. Every night big, burly regulars at the bar attempted to get more juice from a lemon he'd squeezed, but no one could produce so much as a drop. But one night, a little bloke walked in and said he'd heard of the standing offer and would like to try. The barman said 'How do you think you could succeed when all these blokes have failed?' And the little guy said: 'Just give me a chance and I'll show you'.

So the barman, thinking his regulars would enjoy the joke, picked up a lemon and squeezed it. After squeezing all the juice he could out of it, he handed the dried ring to the little bloke and said: 'Here you go.' The little bloke took the lemon and squeezed it and managed to get one, two, three for fix, SIX more drops of juice. Amazed, the barman said: 'Well, here's your $1000. But what do you do for a living? Are you a professional bodybuilder or what?' And the little bloke said: 'No, I work for the Tax Department.'

Woman and her Cat

What did the woman do when a lemon tree fell her cat?

Nothing, she just stood there with a sour puss

Lemon joke, Woman and her Cat

Lemonade Stand

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

"Mother Superior," said the novice nun . . .

"I have to confess that last night I committed the sin of fornication. Six times."
The Mother Superior thought a minute, then sliced up a lemon and handed it to the novice.
"Here, my child," she said. "Take and eat all of this."
"Will this absolve me of my sin?" asked the novice.
"No," said the Mother Superior. "But it will get that smile off your face!"


two groan worthy jokes I made up over breakfast

1.Q. What do you get when you cross a Triceratops and a lemon?
A. A Dino-sour

2.Q. Were do robots go to worship?
A. Mech-a

Sick Lemon and Sick Bird

What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment

What do you give a sick lemon?

Lemonade

Lemon joke, Sick Lemon and Sick Bird

What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon?

He got lemonaids.

Lemonade

A man stumbles upon a little girl's lemonade stand and asks, "How much for a glass?" "First one's twenty-five cents," she responds. He hands her the money, downs the lemonade, and asks for another. "The second cup is twenty-five dollars", she states. Confused, the man asks, "Why?"

"This one has the antidote."

Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.

Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?"

Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."

So there's this lemon...

And he's running down the street.
He trips and falls on the sidewalk, leaving him with a nasty gash on his arm.
Luckily, another lemon walks by and patches him up with a Lemonaid kit.

(It's really bad, but the joke inspired my username. Just had to share.)

You can explore lemon lime reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean lemon blueberry dad jokes. There are also lemon puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A nun joke.

A young nun has a man sneak into her room and rape her. When the man leaves the young nun runs to the mother superior and tells her what happened.

"Quick, suck on this lemon" The mother superior tells her, handing her half a lemon.

"Will that stop me getting pregnant?" Says the young nun.

"No" says the mother superior "but it will wipe that smile off your face."

Today I was offered sex

I was offered sex today, with a 21 year old girl, in exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available scented lemon or vanilla.

- Source - facebook though it was funny so I though I'd share.

I adore children.

A little salt, a squeeze of lemon - perfect.

Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.

"A lemon tree, Watson".

My other half and I went to a restaurant.

I said to the waitress, "Can I have the lemon grilled salmon?"

"Do you want anything on the side?"

I said, "I can't answer that with my wife sitting next to me."

Lemon joke, My other half and I went to a restaurant.

Dr Watson asks Sherlock Holmes...

"Holmes, why are you spreading fruit juice on my buttocks?"

"Lemon entry dear Watson, Lemon entry"

Bad holiday joke

I love Hollandaise sauce, and put it on everything, but the lemon juice in it reeks havoc on my dentures. My dentist said he has just the thing: dentures made of chrome. Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

My girlfriend is always such a sourpuss.

Maybe I should stop using lemon flavored condoms.


Why did the lemon turn green?

Because he had lime disease

What's your favorite preservative salt, vinegar, lemon?

Mine's embalming fluid.

My daughter keeps rubbing lemon skin all over herself.

I think she's pozest.

How do you help a lemon?

Lemon-aid.

Sherlock was working on his garden, when Watson walked over and asked what he was planting.

"What are you planting?" said Watson.

"It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

Sherlock and Watson were walking through an orchard...

As they walk Watson keeps asking Sherlock to identify the trees they are seeing. After some time they approach a clearing and in the centre is a lone tree.
Watson asks "Sherlock what is that tree with yellow skinned fruit?"
Sherlock smiles and replies "That's a lemon tree, my dear Watson"

TIL my ex uses lemon juice for her complexion...

No wonder she always looks sour

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'

Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, 'Who are you?'

The second man replied, 'Income tax officer.'

"Doctor, Doctor I think I have a disease" said the Lemon

"I'm so sorry to tell you this", replies the doctor, "You've got Lemonaids."

What do you get when you ask a lemon for help?

Lemon aid

I was offered sex from a 21 year old girl today

In exchange for that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standing with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner now available with lemon or vanilla.

What do you give to an injured lemon?

Lemon-aid.

Courtesy of my daughter.

Tell me, Sherlock, where do lemons come from?

A lemon tree, dear Watson.

Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced: "The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door."

"Good grief, Holmes," said Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?"

"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

What do you give a sick lemon?

Lemon-Aid

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?

An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

What do you get when you cross a German with a lemon?

Sauerkraut.

Watson found Holmes busily painting the front door bright yellow.

"What on earth is that, Holmes?"

"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

Why should a lonesome man never have the sex with a lemon?

... because of lemonaides!

Where do baby citrus fruits go to learn?

A lemon tree school

Sherlock had a lemon, and Watson asked him where it came from. Sherlock said...

A lemon tree, my dear Watson.

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

What's a lemons worst nightmare?

Lemonaids

What do you call a cat who eats a lemon?

A sourpuss.

Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes' diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...

To which Sherlock replied, Why, that's a lemon tree, my dear Watson.

I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...

turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.

Batman went to a restaurant.

Shortly after being seated, the waiter asks if he would like a drink.

"Water." Batman says in his gruff voice.

"Would you like ice and a lemon?"

Batman looks at him and says: "Justice."

Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his sister in a pile of lemon peels?

It was in zest

What do you call a helpful lemon?

Lemonade

I was offered sex by a 22-year old woman in exchange that I'd advertise some detergent powder for her

Of course I said no because of my strong will power. Which is just as strong as Vanish. The super strong detergent powder now 20% off and available in scented vanilla or lemon.

What's lamer than a lemon but cooler than a cucumber?

A radish.

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.ο»Ώ

A husband and wife are getting ready for a costume party. Since they have nothing on hand to wear for the event, the husband suggests to his wife that she should put a lemon between her legs as he puts the potato between his. Confused, she asks what it's all about.

The husband says, "Honey, you be the sourpuss, and I'll be the dictator."

What's a monkeys favourite dessert?

Lemon Morangutan Pie.

I'm sorry.

What do you call sibling lemon peels getting romantically involved with each other?

Inzest

What kind of lemon performs for charity?

Lemon Aid

My dad was looking for lemon creams online (true story)

He clicks on a link to a supermarket webpage and says to access this page you must accept cookies.

Don't mind if I do he responded and accepted.

Still haven't received those cookies yet.

If lemons could get STDs, what would they get?

Lemon-AIDS.

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today…

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a man with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon and vanilla scents!

Needless to say the search for the stolen lemon tree

Remained Fruitless

Give a man a fish

Give a man a fish, and he'll ask for a lemon.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll leave work early on Fridays.

Bob's first day in heaven:

God:... You're about to get your wings!

Bob:... Lemon pepper or BBQ ?

God:.... Get out.

What do you get when you have a cat that eats a lemon?

A sour puss

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the lemon citrus jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working lemon tangerine piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes