Legs Jokes
185 legs jokes and hilarious legs puns to laugh out loud. Read human body jokes about legs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Brighten up your day with these hilarious Legs Jokes! From no legs to bowlegged, laugh out loud at these jokes that cover all types of legs. Learn why skinny legs and long legs can cause someone to go pant-less, why you should never spread your legs in public and why a chicken with broken legs can't afford a new pair of pants. Go on and have a giggle, even if you have an amputated leg!
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Funniest Legs Short Jokes
Short legs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The legs humour may include short laces jokes also.
- What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Yo momma. - What is something with 8 eyes, 8 leg, and 8 hands? 8 pirates
My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him. - Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition? It's so that they'll end up in a cast.
- What's green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table.
- "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?" "Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"
"Not this time. Our dog died." - I had my leg x-rayed today. The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "披萨卷2.54披萨卷" - what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon? I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.
- What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life? Fred and George Weasley.
- Why have sumo wrestlers began shaving their legs? They were getting tired of being mistaken for feminists
- I like the smell of mothballs. But it can sometimes be hard getting their little legs apart.
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Legs One Liners
Which legs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with legs? I can suggest the ones about heels and hips.
- You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes? 8 Pirates
- What's E.T. short for? Cus he's got little legs
- I just flew in from Chernobyl And boy are my arms legs.
- What has 132 legs and 8 teeth? The front row of a Toby Keith concert.
- Where do you find a cow with no legs? Where ever you left it 🤷♀️🤭
- Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.
- Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? To avoid being mistaken for feminists.
- What do you call a cow with no legs? My severely diabetic sister.
- I have a dog with no legs I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.
- How do you call a cow with no legs? You don't, because cows don't have phones.
- What has 72 legs and 26 teeth? The first row of a country concert.
- What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A pitbull coming from the childrens play ground
- What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's lost at sea? Bob.
- Where do you find a dog that has no legs? Where you left it.
- Why do sumo wrestles shave their legs? So that you can tell them apart from feminists
No Arms No Legs Jokes
Here is a list of funny no arms no legs jokes and even better no arms no legs puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.
- A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms." - What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A happy pitbull
- Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off? He's dead.
- I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.
- Awwww If you watch Jaws backwards it is a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms & legs to disabled people.
- Vader has a pretty sweet suit. It must have cost at least an arm and a leg.
- Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs? A. Anything you want, there's nothing he can do about it.
- I would like to thank my arms For always being by my side
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me
And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them - What is brown and has got four legs and an arm? A Rottweiler on a children's playground.
No Legs No Arms Jokes
Here is a list of funny no legs no arms jokes and even better no legs no arms puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I have 3 eyes, 5 legs and 6 arms, what am I ? A liar
- What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
- Shout out to my arms for always being by my side... & my legs for being there every step of the way
- A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs "I know" said the doctor.
"We had to amputate your arms" - How much does a red lightsaber cost? An arm and a leg
^^ - A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs! The doctor replies I know, I amputated your arms.
- I saw a guy at an ATM with no arms, and a peg leg He asked if I would help him check his balance... so I pushed him over
- I have 2 heads, 5 arms, 372 legs, and 6684324 eyes. What am I? A liar
- Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."
[A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News'] - If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks Cost me an arm and a leg!
No Arms And Legs Jokes
Here is a list of funny no arms and legs jokes and even better no arms and legs puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I? A liar.
- What do you call the boy with no legs and no arms? Names.
- What has four legs and one arm? A pitbull terrier in a childrens' playground
- What has eight legs, two arms, two wings, and three heads? A person on a horse holding a chicken.
- What do you call a pirate with 2 arms, 2 legs and 2 eyes? A beginner
- Whaddaya call a guy with no arms or legs trying to water ski? Skip.
- What do you call a drummer with no arms and no legs? A headbanger
- What has four legs and one arm? An attack dog in an elementary school.
- The hitchhiker A guy with 3 eyes, one leg, and no arms is hitchhiking. Suddenly a nice English gent pulls over and says "eye, eye, eye, you look 'armless, hop in."
- Ordered some Christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card. Cost me an arm and a leg.
Legs Amputated Jokes
Here is a list of funny legs amputated jokes and even better legs amputated puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's a phrase you can't stand to hear? "Sorry sir, but we had to amputate both legs.."
- After my leg amputation I asked if I could keep my leg. The doctor asked 'Why?' I said:''Because it's my right!'
- Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident… but I'm now recovering, I'm all right now.
- How did the woman feel after her legs were amputated? Defeeted
- My friend had trouble dating until he got his legs amputated. After that, nobody stood him up again!
- A patient wakes up and yells "I can't feel my legs!!!" The doctor says, "Of course you can't! I amputated your arms."
- Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel. It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.
- A patient wakes up from surgery and exclaims 'Doctor! Doctor! What's wrong with me? I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replies: Yes, well I'm afraid we had to amputate both your arms.
- Doctor says I need an amputation, but I can't afford it.. It'll cost me an arm and a leg.
- DOCTOR DOCTOR Doctor Doctor, I can't feel my legs!
Yes, I'm very sorry Mr Smith, we had to amputate your arms
No Legs Jokes
Here is a list of funny no legs jokes and even better no legs puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?" The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!"
"Not this time son, our dog is dead" - What's Mary short for? She's got no legs.
- British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k
- I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you... I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...
- What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance? Thank you for your service
- Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So people don't confuse them with feminists.
- I went to a bar last night and I saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said "Wow, great legs."
She giggled and said "Really?"
I said "Yea, most tables would've collapsed by now." - As I spread my girlfriend's legs I thought to myself... This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.
- Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket
-Dan Regan - I used to have a dog with no legs named Cigarette And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
Laughable Legs Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about legs you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean arms jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make legs pranks.
I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
How about some Little Johnny...
Little Johnny asks his Dad "What's between mom's legs?"
The father answers: "Paradise, my son."
Little Johnny asks again: "What's between your legs?"
The father replies: "The key to paradise."
Little Johnny says: "Piece of advice Dad, change the lock the neighbor has a duplicate key."
So..the wife and I were in town shopping....
..and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.
I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".
She got really upset with me..in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.
Fat g**... a table
I went to bar , and there was a fat girl dancing on the tables
" nice legs" I said
" you think so?" She replied
" Sure,most tables would have collapsed by now!"
What has 12 hands, 12 legs, and 12 eyes?
12 pirates.
n**... Wife's New p**...
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless p**... in an attempt to spice up her dead s**... life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless p**...?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair" the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .
What's big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell from a tree it would kill you?
A pool table.
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for the day.
Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.
Legs Up
Nina comes home after school and asks her mother "mommy, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?". Mother responds: "I don't think that's true, Nina. Why do you think so?". "Because I just walked past the neighbours house" Nina says "and the lady was screaming 'Oh God, i'm coming', so it was a good thing daddy was lying on top of her, otherwise she would have really gone too!"
What has 3 teeth and 100 legs
An unemployment line in Tennessee.
That pig is a hero.
One day two farmers are chatting and farmer 1 notices that farmer 2 has an odd pig.
Farmer 1: "hey why does that pig over there only got three legs?"
Farmer 2: "oh that pig, he's a hero. bout a month ago there was a fire at my house and that pig came in, and pulled my whole family out of the house while we were sleeping."
Farmer 1: "oh, so it lost the leg in the fire?"
Farmer 2: "no, a pig like that you don't eat all at once."
Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".
An old married couple are driving down the road.
They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.
She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."
"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.
"But what about the smell?" she asks.
The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."
the three legged pig joke reminded me of a joke my dad once told me
a scientist was doing an experiment on a frog in his lab, he placed the frog down on the floor and said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped 4 feet and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 4 legs, jumps 4 feet"
he then cut off one of the frogs legs and again said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped only 3 feet this time and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 3 legs, jumps 3 feet"
he cut off a 2nd leg and said "Frog jump!". this time the frog only jumped 2 feet and so he noted
"frog with 2 legs, jumps 2 feet"
he then cut off a 3rd leg and again said "Frog jump!". the frog only jumped a foot and so he noted
"frog with 1 leg, jumps 1 foot"
the scientist then cut off the frogs last remaining leg and said "Frog jump!, Frog jump!, FROG JUMP!!!!!" but the frog did not move. so he noted
"frog with 0 legs, deaf"
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter - He won't come anyway.
But you could call him "cigarette" and take him out for a drag.
How to be insulting
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
My grandfather's favorite joke.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where ya left it.
[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]
My favorite joke from The Sopranos
A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "What? Do you expect me to spread my legs for you now?" says the wife. The husband replies, "honey, I love you, but i think a vase will work just fine."
Credit to Uncle Jun.
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
Chinese Sick Day
h**... Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something h**... Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for s**.... That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"
A joke most likely to get me banned by Ellen Pao
So, a man walks into a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
The flattered woman replies, "You really think so?"
The guy says, "Oh of course! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
What walks on eight legs until the age of one, four legs until the age of twenty, and two legs after?
The Weasley twins
A husband asks his wife...
Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes?
Wife: Honey, of course I would.
Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears?
Wife: Absolutely sweetheart.
Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair?
Wife: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?
Husband: I just sprained my wrist...
What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs?
An army.
What has 100 legs but can't walk?
50 pairs of pants.
What's got two eyes, but can't see, two wings, but can't fly, and two legs, but can't walk?
A dead bird.
I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs.
I stand corrected.
What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea...
Had a house party last night
...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"
A couple finds a wounded skunk on the road. 'Where do I put it?' the lady asks...
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, Look, it's shivering … it must be cold. What should I do?
He says, Put it between your legs.
She says, What about the smell?
He says, Hold its nose.
My 5 year-old son caught me having s**... with my wife.
He asked, "Dad, what are you doing with Mom?"
"I was just pushing the air out of her tummy." I replied.
"It's no use, I saw our neighbor blowing air between Mom's legs every morning after you leave for work."
So, I brought my girlfriend some flowers today...
she looked at me, sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."
so I asked her, "why, don't you have a vase?"
hahahahaha
just kidding...
I don't have a girlfriend
A man brings home flowers to his wife
A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.
Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"
His wife replies "For the flowers of course"
He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"
My son came home from school and I immediately asked him:
"Hey son, what has 4 legs but isn't alive?"
"Dad, you told me that one yesterday" he said, looking annoyed. "It's a chair."
"Not this time son...the mailman ran over your dog today."
A wife comes home late one night
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
Chinese man calls in sick
h**... Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what h**..., I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for s**.... That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
I went shopping with my wife today...
When I came across a group of women in short skirts.
I looked over to my wife and said "Ooh, I bet you wish you had legs like *those*"
She didn't say anything, but I could tell she was upset; I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into Waitrose.
A blind man and his mistress.
A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.
After bathing, she came out n**..., spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything OK at home?
He replied, Yes, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can see very clearly now.
A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."
A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"
A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs
A man loses his legs in a train accident
and when hes rushed to hospital
the only available transplant are a child's
so he gets the surgery
and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain
the nurse runs up and says
'sir is it your legs'
and the man goes
'no'
'its my kidneys'
A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs
She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That's nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
What do you call a mouse on 2 legs
Friend "i dont know"
Me "mickey mouse"
Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs"
Friend "donald duck"
Me " all ducks idiot"
I went to a pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table...
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Scientists found out that c**... hear through their legs.
A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.
A man walks into a Bar.
A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, May I buy you a cocktail?
"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."
A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than s**......
so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?
Literally the guy you asked for
A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, Looking for a guy that won't beat me, won't run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.
Three days later, there's a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there's a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. Dear Amy, he says, I have no arms so I couldn't even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can't run away on you. I'm your guy.
That's very nice, says Amy, surprised, but how will you be able to satisfy me?
His smile widens, You did hear the knocking, didn't you?
What's better than being able to use disabled parking spots?
Legs
What do you call a black guy with severed legs?
**AN AMBULANCE, CALL HIM AN AMBULANCE**
What is E.T. Short for?
Because he has small legs.
Dad: What has 4 legs and isn't alive?
Me: You can't fool me dad! Its a chair!
Dad: Not this time son. Get a shovel, the dog's dead
Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.
It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.
I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.
I couldn't help thinking,
'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'
