The Best 70 Legs Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Legs jokes. There are some legs between your legs jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these legs guy with no arms and no legs puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Legs Jokes and Puns
I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Yo momma.
So..the wife and I were in town shopping....
..and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.
I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".
She got really upset with me..in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.
nsfw Wife's New Panties
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."
Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".
What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
My severely diabetic sister.
How to be insulting
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
[NSFW] Anne recently noticed she had hair growing between her legs...
Frantic, she asks her mom what's going on.
Her mother replies, "Don't worry sweetie, the part where the hair grows is called the Monkey. Be proud that your Monkey is growing hair."
The girl sighs in relief, and later at the dinner table she smiled and told her older sister Beth, "I've got hair growing on my Monkey."
The sister laughs and replies back, "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
My grandfather's favorite joke.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where ya left it.
[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]
Why do sumo wrestles shave their legs?
So that you can tell them apart from feminists
You can explore legs bowlegged reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean legs no arms and legs dad jokes. There are also legs puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
Chinese Sick Day
Ho Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"
Why does a milking stool only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
What walks on eight legs until the age of one, four legs until the age of twenty, and two legs after?
The Weasley twins
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
To avoid being mistaken for feminists.
A husband asks his wife...
Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes?
Wife: Honey, of course I would.
Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears?
Wife: Absolutely sweetheart.
Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair?
Wife: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?
Husband: I just sprained my wrist...
Where do you find a dog that has no legs?
Where you left it.
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So people don't confuse them with feminists.
A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?"
The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!"
"Not this time son, our dog is dead"
What has 100 legs but can't walk?
50 pairs of pants.
What's got two eyes, but can't see, two wings, but can't fly, and two legs, but can't walk?
A dead bird.
What has 72 legs and 26 teeth?
The first row of a country concert.
As I spread my girlfriend's legs I thought to myself...
This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.
Had a house party last night
...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"
What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?
Fred and George Weasley.
what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon?
I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.
Why have sumo wrestlers began shaving their legs?
They were getting tired of being mistaken for feminists
So, I brought my girlfriend some flowers today...
she looked at me, sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."
so I asked her, "why, don't you have a vase?"
hahahahaha
just kidding...
I don't have a girlfriend
"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?"
"Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"
"Not this time. Our dog died."
I just flew in from Chernobyl
And boy are my arms legs.
How do you call a cow with no legs?
You don't, because cows don't have phones.
What's E.T. short for?
Cus he's got little legs
A man brings home flowers to his wife
A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.
Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"
His wife replies "For the flowers of course"
He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"
A wife comes home late one night
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
Chinese man calls in sick
Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
A blind man and his mistress.
A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.
After bathing, she came out naked, spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything OK at home?
He replied, Yes, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can see very clearly now.
I went to a bar last night
and I saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said "Wow, great legs."
She giggled and said "Really?"
I said "Yea, most tables would've collapsed by now."
A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."
A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"
I have a dog with no legs
I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.
A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs
She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That's nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
I like the smell of mothballs.
But it can sometimes be hard getting their little legs apart.
I went to a pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table...
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than sex...
so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?
You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes?
8 Pirates
What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
The front row of a Toby Keith concert.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A Pitbull coming from the childrens play ground
What do you call a black guy with severed legs?
**AN AMBULANCE, CALL HIM AN AMBULANCE**
What is E.T. Short for?
Because he has small legs.
A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident
He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."
Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.
It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.
I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me
My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.
I used to have a dog with no legs named Cigarette
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
Thank you for your service
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.
1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.
Third and most important.
3. He should be great in bed.
One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."
The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the hell are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"
I think You're mistaken my lady.
Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"
Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean
Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.
Einstein: asks a question.
Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.
Einstein says: Okay, it's your turn.
Mr. Bean asks: What's an animal that has four legs, but when it's crossing a street, it has three legs and when it's on the other side of the street, it has only two?
Einstein: Thinks hard for a while.
Einstein says: I give up. *Gives 1000 dollars to Mr. Bean*
Einstein asks: What is it?
Mr. Bean: gives a dollar to Einstein.
What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?
8 pirates
My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby.
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground & rolled around in pain.
She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor. Reluctantly he agreed. She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside. She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken"
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's lost at sea?
Bob.
Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Where ever you left it 🤷♀️🤭
What's a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What's a cow with 3 legs?
Lean beef.
Now, what's a cow with 2 legs?
>!Your Mom!<
What has eight legs, two arms, two wings, and three heads?
A person on a horse holding a chicken.
What has two horns like a rhinoceros, four legs like a rhinoceros, a tail like a rhinoceros, looks just like a rhinoceros, but is not a rhinoceros?
A picture of a rhinoceros.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox?
Bill.
What's Yoda short for?
It's because he's got little legs!
I had a robot named Sir Kit
One day I accidentally spilt some water on it and something caused it's legs to retract. It was a Short Sir Kit
Why don't we have tires instead of legs?
Because we would be too tired to move.
Why can't fish stand still?
Because they don't have any legs.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the legs hind jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working legs toes piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.