Legally Jokes
97 legally jokes and hilarious legally puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about legally that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Find legally appropriate jokes that will leave you in stitches! From legally blind quips to puns from the Legally Blonde movie, these lawful jokes are sure to be properly funny.
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Funniest Legally Short Jokes
Short legally jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The legally humour may include short technically jokes also.
- The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn't share the flatbread recipe Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.
- President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states. Solid, liquid and gas.
- How to win the war on drugs 1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service. - Just had the following conversation in court Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You're Not Guilty?
Me: Thanks, I'm outta here - Hopefully, Biden will never be the leader of my country Because if he is, something's gone wrong with the Canadian legal system
- Biden has won so many times in Michigan now he's legally required to change his name to Ohio State.
- It really is weird it took so long for America to legalize gay marriage Considering they have four fathers
- What do you get with legalized prostitution and a highly competitive marketplace? The best bang for your buck.
- According to Scientists atom's are as old the universe So therefore your honour she was legal
- What's the difference between a fetus in the US and a politician in the US? The fetus is legally required to become a human being.
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Legally One Liners
Which legally one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with legally? I can suggest the ones about morally and legalized.
- The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today Now you can legally blow the cartridges.
- I've heard that U2 has never paid legal any legal fees Their lawyers all work pro-Bono.
- How do you get a Russian to the legal alcohol limit? Sober him up for a week or two.
- Where did the two bananas settle their legal dispute? The court of A-peels
- What device can make prostitution legal? A camera.
- I'm pitching a show about magical arts in the legal system Subpoena the Teenage Witch
- How does a pregnant woman in Texas get a legal abortion? Trespass.
- What do you call 18 year old wheat? Barley legal.
- What do you call a Mexican with white privilege? Legal
- Why didn't the lawyer steal his coffee? He wanted legal grounds.
- I always wanted to be a teacher... That way I could legally give students the D
- On which day of the week is it legal to marry the 8-bit Nintend console? Wednesday.
- What is the legal loop hole in breaking and entering laws? The Santa Clause
- How do birds legally show where they live? Proof of perches
- Where do pints go to settle their legal troubles? The Supreme Quart
Legally Allowed Jokes
Here is a list of funny legally allowed jokes and even better legally allowed puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If the Doctor doesn't show up to your surgery You're legally allowed to die in 15 minutes.
- Once we reach 15 months with the current president Are we legally allowed to leave?
- Tom Waits for fifteen minutes and then he is legally allowed to leave.
- How to legally rob a bank If a bank teller is gone for 15 minutes, you're legally allowed to rob it.
- In Japan, people are now legally allowed to have 3 maternal guardians. Here in the states, however, we don't get Mother 3.
- What did the minute hand say to the hour hand at 6:30? "In 15 minutes I'm legally allowed to point left."
- Do you know why Michelle Obama is no longer legally allowed in schools? Because she has fire-arms.
Legally Blind Jokes
Here is a list of funny legally blind jokes and even better legally blind puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- All my life, I tried to look on bright side of everything... Now with my cornea damaged, I'm legally blind.
- Never argue with somebody legally blind about spear fighting... they can hardly see your point.
- I need a lawyer! I'm legally blind.
- My dad said cant you see your meme and vine references are ruining this family! So I said I can't see I'm legally blind.
- My grandma's lost almost all her eyesight but she hasn't been diagnosed as legally blind by a doctor yet. So right now she's still illegally blind.
- Why was my blind friend arrested? Because he wasn't legally blind.
- What did Daley Blind say at the optometrist? I'm legally Blind.
Legally Blonde Jokes
Here is a list of funny legally blonde jokes and even better legally blonde puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I bleached my hair on my 18th birthday. "I guess now you're legally blonde," my dad chuckled.
- "I just heard that that one actress from Legally Blonde, Reese... 'whatever her last name is' got stabbed to death walking to her car last night." "Witherspoon?"
"No, with a knife." - How did the actress from Legally Blonde die? Witherknife
- I pirated a copy of "Legally Blonde" today. It was Illegally Blonde.
Cheerful Legally Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about legally you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean legitimate jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make legally pranks.
If two women get legally married, and eventually end up divorced...
Which one gets 3/4s of everything?
So Juan, Pablo, and Jose are all attempting to cross the border legally...
A border guard stops when he sees only one of them has the correct papers, and says
'Whoa whoa whoa there can be only Juan!'
I'll see myself out
TIFU
Don't know why she legally changed her name to 'Up' though.
Oscar Pistorius' new book deal
I thought I'd share a joke I just heard from a topic on a call-in radio show.
Radio DJ: "Should Oscar Pistorius profit from a book deal about the night he shot his girlfriend?"
Caller: "No he should not. I think you'll find that legally he doesn't have a leg to stand on."
Jersey Shore star Mike Sorrentino was indicted on tax charges today
The Situation does not look good legally.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
From the turn of the 18th century, to the mid 1960's b**... and w**... were legally forbidden from entering into i**... marriages. The reasoning behind this restriction?
It produced mixed results.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't get why everybody hates on ISIS....
Their drug policy, for one, is incredibly progressive. Women get s**... legally over there all the time!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bruce Jenner should legally change his name to Trans
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When a r**... divorces his wife
She's still legally his sister.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't see why racists are upset with Harriet Tubman being on the $20 bill...
They can finally legally own a black person again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Bag of almonds was tried for m**....
He was deemed legally sane, even though everyone could see he was nuts.
Fun Presidential Trivia
The annual salary of Commander-in-Chief is legally set at $400,000 per year. Except for our next one, who will only make $316,000 (or 79% to every man's dollar).
Did you know...
Handcuffs are legally binding
I legally changed my name to Edward Genocide...
...you can call me Ed G.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Clinton gets elected, federal employees will be LEGALLY allowed to consume cannabis!
If you smoke, you have to say "I did not inhale"
and if you do edibles, you have to say "I did not s**..."
How to be rich for the rest of your life...
Legally change your name to "Rich"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Neglecting to use a blinker while driving is a lot like i**... immigration.
You can't come over here if you can't do it legally.
Did you hear about the guy who was held legally liable for clogging his friend's toilet?
The judge determined that he failed to exercise "doo diligence"
TIL that nobody living in my country can legally be buried in it.
It may be because they're alive
A woman implanted an advanced artificial intelligence into her old Nintendo gaming system so she could legally marry it. When did they get married?
On Wednesday
Name change
Did you hear about the guy who legally changed his name to 'Username'? When he died, all the headlines read: "Username checks out!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's official, when the clock strikes midnight
we can all legally have s**... with kids from the 90s!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An important rule of s**... for men
If she doesn't come in 15 minutes you are legally allowed to stop trying.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between John Brennan and a Nevada h**...?
Brennan can no longer legally handle sensitive material
My friend has everything, a loving family, is married with a baby, a great house...
I just don't understand how one can legally marry a baby
My friend Bert disliked his name
... so he studied all the rules and laws about legally changing it. In case you have any questions about name-changing, feel free to ask him - he is now an ex-Bert.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Life hack
If you beat your kids at a burger king it legally changes from child a**... to a whopper jr.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I legally walked out of a restaurant I had food at even though I was broke
Walking out of a restaurant is not i**...
Chief Justice John Roberts is visiting the White House for Thanksgiving
Trump is desperately trying to have himself legally declared a turkey.
Why can't you legally evict a ghost from a person's body?
Because Possession is nine tenths of the law
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In which country can you legally have s**... in front of the neighbors' kids
All of them, you cannot be a human though
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to get s**... legally
Drop rocks into your eyes
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know there is a country where you are legally allowed to have s**... with children?
Yeah it's called Vatican City
A man forgot his glasses before executing a robbery.
Because he couldn't see, he was easily captured and arrested. A month later, his trial began and he pleaded guilty.
Later, his friend walked up to him whom he hadn't seen since before the robbery. His friend said, Why did you do this? The robber replied, I didn't know it was against the law, i'm legally blind!
I'm going to legally change my name to Hindsight
and then run for office in 2020
Irving Lipchitz always hated his name. As soon as he turned 18, he petitioned to have it legally changed.
The judge was very understanding and asked Irving if he had any outstanding debts, and confirmed he had no criminal history. His character confirmed, the judge granted his wish: and what would you like your new name to be son?
DAVID Lipchitz.
Why don't penguins get legally married?
Because they're animals and have no concept of marriage.
Why couldn't the molecule split up?
It was in a legally bonding contract.
BREAKING: American Jazz musician sentenced to 12 months in prison, legally changes name
Felonious Monk will be eligible for parole in 6 months
I met a sorceress in the desert once
She told me I could have all the churned dairy products and preserved fruit I could ever want, but first I had to marry her and sign a legally binding agreement that she would get it all back if we ever got divorced
Until that day I'd never believed the legends of the prenup butter and jelly sand witch
I work for a company that legally changes names
A woman named Tina came in the other day and I was really impressed. I'm gonna Mary her
(it's my cake day... take er easy)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Can you go to jail for this?
A d**... enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this d**..., but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.
She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; what are you in for?"
She responds, "possession."
I finally got a name change!
My name is now legally Joe, but for some reason people stopped taking me seriously.
They think I'm Joe King
Waitress: your meal comes with poached eggs, will that be ok?
Me: No, I will only eat them if they are legally obtained.
