The Best 54 Legally Jokes

If two women get legally married, and eventually end up divorced...

Which one gets 3/4s of everything?

So Juan, Pablo, and Jose are all attempting to cross the border legally...

A border guard stops when he sees only one of them has the correct papers, and says
'Whoa whoa whoa there can be only Juan!'

I'll see myself out

TIFU

Don't know why she legally changed her name to 'Up' though.

Jersey Shore star Mike Sorrentino was indicted on tax charges today

The Situation does not look good legally.

The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.

From the turn of the 18th century, to the mid 1960's Blacks and Whites were legally forbidden from entering into interracial marriages. The reasoning behind this restriction?

It produced mixed results.

Did you hear that the actress from Legally Blonde was stabbed? Reese... Erm... Reese...

No, with a knife.

I don't get why everybody hates on ISIS....

Their drug policy, for one, is incredibly progressive. Women get stoned legally over there all the time!

Did you hear that actress from Legally Blonde was stabbed?

Me: Yeah. She was stabbed in California, in broad day light. The one from legally blonde. Reese....Something.... with-er... um...with-uh... ..ummm...

Friend: Witherspoon?

Me: No. With a knife.

Bruce Jenner should legally change his name to Trans

When a redneck divorces his wife

She's still legally his sister.

The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today

Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

How did the actress from Legally Blonde die?

Witherknife

"I just heard that that one actress from Legally Blonde, Reese... 'whatever her last name is' got stabbed to death walking to her car last night."

"Witherspoon?"

"No, with a knife."

I don't see why racists are upset with Harriet Tubman being on the $20 bill...

They can finally legally own a black person again.

The Bag of almonds was tried for murder.

He was deemed legally sane, even though everyone could see he was nuts.

I legally changed my name to Edward Genocide...

...you can call me Ed G.

I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot?

Myself.

If Clinton gets elected, federal employees will be LEGALLY allowed to consume cannabis!

If you smoke, you have to say "I did not inhale"

and if you do edibles, you have to say "I did not swallow"

As a Hilary supporter in Colorado, I'm still happy with the outcome of the election.

Since proposition 106 passed I can legally kill myself now that trump won.

How to be rich for the rest of your life...

Legally change your name to "Rich"

Never argue with somebody legally blind about spear fighting...

they can hardly see your point.

Jarred from subway started playing guitar in jail.

It's the only way he can legally finger a minor.

Neglecting to use a blinker while driving is a lot like illegal immigration.

You can't come over here if you can't do it legally.

Did you hear about the guy who was held legally liable for clogging his friend's toilet?

The judge determined that he failed to exercise "doo diligence"

TIL that nobody living in my country can legally be buried in it.

It may be because they're alive

I always wanted to be a teacher...

That way I could legally give students the D

What do Holland and Saudi Arabia have in common?

You can legally get stoned in both.

Name change

Did you hear about the guy who legally changed his name to 'Username'? When he died, all the headlines read: "Username checks out!"

It's official, when the clock strikes midnight

we can all legally have sex with kids from the 90s!

Once we reach 15 months with the current president

Are we legally allowed to leave?

Why can't women in Texas legally get tattoos?

It is the code of the west... never draw on a woman.

An important rule of sex for men

If she doesn't come in 15 minutes you are legally allowed to stop trying.

I waited for the judge to speak over the silence in the court...

Judge: your name?
Me: Not guilty!
Judge: what?
Me: Had it legally changed
Judge: you're Not Guilty?
Me: Thanks. I'll take my leave!

Tom Waits

for fifteen minutes and then he is legally allowed to leave.

How many Mexicans does it take to drink legally in the US?

Twenty Juan

If the Doctor doesn't show up to your surgery

You're legally allowed to die in 15 minutes.

What's the difference between John Brennan and a Nevada hooker?

Brennan can no longer legally handle sensitive material

My friend has everything, a loving family, is married with a baby, a great house...

I just don't understand how one can legally marry a baby

My friend Bert disliked his name

... so he studied all the rules and laws about legally changing it. In case you have any questions about name-changing, feel free to ask him - he is now an ex-Bert.

Did you know there is a country where you are legally allowed to have sex with children?

Yeah it's called Vatican City

A man forgot his glasses before executing a robbery.

Because he couldn't see, he was easily captured and arrested. A month later, his trial began and he pleaded guilty.

​

Later, his friend walked up to him whom he hadn't seen since before the robbery. His friend said, Why did you do this? The robber replied, I didn't know it was against the law, i'm legally blind!

I'm going to legally change my name to Hindsight

and then run for office in 2020

Irving Lipchitz always hated his name. As soon as he turned 18, he petitioned to have it legally changed.

The judge was very understanding and asked Irving if he had any outstanding debts, and confirmed he had no criminal history. His character confirmed, the judge granted his wish: and what would you like your new name to be son?

DAVID Lipchitz.

Why don't penguins get legally married?

Because they're animals and have no concept of marriage.

Why couldn't the molecule split up?

It was in a legally bonding contract.

If you buy cabbage from Coles you are legally obliged to buy carrots and mayo as well

It's called Coleslaw

BREAKING: American Jazz musician sentenced to 12 months in prison, legally changes name

Felonious Monk will be eligible for parole in 6 months

Biden has won so many times in Michigan now

he's legally required to change his name to Ohio State.

I met a sorceress in the desert once

She told me I could have all the churned dairy products and preserved fruit I could ever want, but first I had to marry her and sign a legally binding agreement that she would get it all back if we ever got divorced

Until that day I'd never believed the legends of the prenup butter and jelly sand witch

I work for a company that legally changes names

A woman named Tina came in the other day and I was really impressed. I'm gonna Mary her

(it's my cake day... take er easy)

My girlfriend and I are now in a long distance relationship

I still see her all the time, I'm just not legally permitted to be within 1,000 ft. of her.

Can you go to jail for this?

A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.

She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; what are you in for?"

She responds, "possession."