Legally Jokes

102 legally jokes and hilarious legally puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about legally that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Find legally appropriate jokes that will leave you in stitches! From legally blind quips to puns from the Legally Blonde movie, these lawful jokes are sure to be properly funny.

Funniest Legally Short Jokes

Short legally jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The legally humour may include short technically jokes also.

  1. The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn't share the flatbread recipe Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.
  2. Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians. Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.
  3. President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states. Solid, liquid and gas.
  4. How to win the war on drugs 1) legalize all drugs.
    2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.
  5. I don't see why racists are upset with Harriet Tubman being on the $20 bill... They can finally legally own a black person again.
  6. The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week... Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.
  7. Just had the following conversation in court Judge: State your name.
    Me: Not Guilty
    Judge: What?
    Me: I had it legally changed.
    Judge: You're Not Guilty?
    Me: Thanks, I'm outta here
  8. Hopefully, Biden will never be the leader of my country Because if he is, something's gone wrong with the Canadian legal system
  9. Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32? To keep alcohol out of the high schools.
  10. As a Hilary supporter in Colorado, I'm still happy with the outcome of the election. Since proposition 106 passed I can legally kill myself now that trump won.

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Legally One Liners

Which legally one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with legally? I can suggest the ones about morally and legalized.

  1. The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today Now you can legally blow the cartridges.
  2. Bruce Jenner should legally change his name to Trans
  3. My best friend was my partner in crime until homosexuality was made legal.
  4. I've heard that U2 has never paid legal any legal fees Their lawyers all work pro-Bono.
  5. How do you get a Russian to the legal alcohol limit? Sober him up for a week or two.
  6. Where did the two bananas settle their legal dispute? The court of A-peels
  7. What device can make prostitution legal? A camera.
  8. I'm pitching a show about magical arts in the legal system Subpoena the Teenage Witch
  9. How does a pregnant woman in Texas get a legal abortion? Trespass.
  10. What do you call 18 year old wheat? Barley legal.
  11. What do you call a Mexican with white privilege? Legal
  12. Why didn't the lawyer steal his coffee? He wanted legal grounds.
  13. I always wanted to be a teacher... That way I could legally give students the D
  14. On which day of the week is it legal to marry the 8-bit Nintend console? Wednesday.
  15. What is the legal loop hole in breaking and entering laws? The Santa Clause

Legally Allowed Jokes

Here is a list of funny legally allowed jokes and even better legally allowed puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot? Myself.
  • If the Doctor doesn't show up to your surgery You're legally allowed to die in 15 minutes.
  • Once we reach 15 months with the current president Are we legally allowed to leave?
  • Tom Waits for fifteen minutes and then he is legally allowed to leave.
  • How to legally rob a bank If a bank teller is gone for 15 minutes, you're legally allowed to rob it.
  • In Japan, people are now legally allowed to have 3 maternal guardians. Here in the states, however, we don't get Mother 3.
  • What did the minute hand say to the hour hand at 6:30? "In 15 minutes I'm legally allowed to point left."
  • Do you know why Michelle Obama is no longer legally allowed in schools? Because she has fire-arms.
  • Did you know there is a country where you are legally allowed to have s**... with children? Yeah it's called Vatican City
  • An important rule of s**... for men If she doesn't come in 15 minutes you are legally allowed to stop trying.

Legally Blind Jokes

Here is a list of funny legally blind jokes and even better legally blind puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • All my life, I tried to look on bright side of everything... Now with my cornea damaged, I'm legally blind.
  • Never argue with somebody legally blind about spear fighting... they can hardly see your point.
  • I need a lawyer! I'm legally blind.
  • We need to keep bump stocks legal... How else are the blind going to shoot?
  • My dad said cant you see your meme and vine references are ruining this family! So I said I can't see I'm legally blind.
  • My grandma's lost almost all her eyesight but she hasn't been diagnosed as legally blind by a doctor yet. So right now she's still illegally blind.
  • Why was my blind friend arrested? Because he wasn't legally blind.
  • What did Daley Blind say at the optometrist? I'm legally Blind.
Legally joke, What did Daley Blind say at the optometrist?

Legally Blonde Jokes

Here is a list of funny legally blonde jokes and even better legally blonde puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I bleached my hair on my 18th birthday. "I guess now you're legally blonde," my dad chuckled.
  • Did you hear that the actress from Legally Blonde was stabbed? Reese... Erm... Reese... No, with a knife.
  • "I just heard that that one actress from Legally Blonde, Reese... 'whatever her last name is' got stabbed to death walking to her car last night." "Witherspoon?"
    "No, with a knife."
  • How did the actress from Legally Blonde die? Witherknife
  • I pirated a copy of "Legally Blonde" today. It was Illegally Blonde.
Legally joke, I pirated a copy of "Legally Blonde" today.

Cheerful Legally Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!

What funny jokes about legally you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean legitimate jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make legally pranks.

If two women get legally married, and eventually end up divorced...

Which one gets 3/4s of everything?

So Juan, Pablo, and Jose are all attempting to cross the border legally...

A border guard stops when he sees only one of them has the correct papers, and says
'Whoa whoa whoa there can be only Juan!'
I'll see myself out


Don't know why she legally changed her name to 'Up' though.

Oscar Pistorius' new book deal

I thought I'd share a joke I just heard from a topic on a call-in radio show.
Radio DJ: "Should Oscar Pistorius profit from a book deal about the night he shot his girlfriend?"
Caller: "No he should not. I think you'll find that legally he doesn't have a leg to stand on."

Jersey Shore star Mike Sorrentino was indicted on tax charges today

The Situation does not look good legally.

From the turn of the 18th century, to the mid 1960's b**... and w**... were legally forbidden from entering into i**... marriages. The reasoning behind this restriction?

It produced mixed results.

I don't get why everybody hates on ISIS....

Their drug policy, for one, is incredibly progressive. Women get s**... legally over there all the time!

Did you hear that actress from Legally Blonde was stabbed?

Me: Yeah. She was stabbed in California, in broad day light. The one from legally blonde. Reese....Something.... with-er... um...with-uh... ..ummm...
Friend: Witherspoon?
Me: No. With a knife.

When a r**... divorces his wife

She's still legally his sister.

The Bag of almonds was tried for m**....

He was deemed legally sane, even though everyone could see he was nuts.

Fun Presidential Trivia

The annual salary of Commander-in-Chief is legally set at $400,000 per year. Except for our next one, who will only make $316,000 (or 79% to every man's dollar).

Did you know...

Handcuffs are legally binding

I legally changed my name to Edward Genocide... can call me Ed G.

How to be rich for the rest of your life...

Legally change your name to "Rich"

Jarred from subway started playing guitar in jail.

It's the only way he can legally finger a minor.

Neglecting to use a blinker while driving is a lot like i**... immigration.

You can't come over here if you can't do it legally.

Did you hear about the guy who was held legally liable for clogging his friend's toilet?

The judge determined that he failed to exercise "doo diligence"

TIL that nobody living in my country can legally be buried in it.

It may be because they're alive

A woman implanted an advanced artificial intelligence into her old Nintendo gaming system so she could legally marry it. When did they get married?

On Wednesday

What do Holland and Saudi Arabia have in common?

You can legally get s**... in both.

Name change

Did you hear about the guy who legally changed his name to 'Username'? When he died, all the headlines read: "Username checks out!"

It's official, when the clock strikes midnight

we can all legally have s**... with kids from the 90s!

Why can't women in Texas legally get tattoos?

It is the code of the west... never draw on a woman.

I waited for the judge to speak over the silence in the court...

Judge: your name?
Me: Not guilty!
Judge: what?
Me: Had it legally changed
Judge: you're Not Guilty?
Me: Thanks. I'll take my leave!

How many Mexicans does it take to drink legally in the US?

Twenty Juan

What's the difference between John Brennan and a Nevada h**...?

Brennan can no longer legally handle sensitive material

My friend has everything, a loving family, is married with a baby, a great house...

I just don't understand how one can legally marry a baby

My friend Bert disliked his name

... so he studied all the rules and laws about legally changing it. In case you have any questions about name-changing, feel free to ask him - he is now an ex-Bert.

A man forgot his glasses before executing a robbery.

Because he couldn't see, he was easily captured and arrested. A month later, his trial began and he pleaded guilty.

Later, his friend walked up to him whom he hadn't seen since before the robbery. His friend said, Why did you do this? The robber replied, I didn't know it was against the law, i'm legally blind!

I'm going to legally change my name to Hindsight

and then run for office in 2020

Irving Lipchitz always hated his name. As soon as he turned 18, he petitioned to have it legally changed.

The judge was very understanding and asked Irving if he had any outstanding debts, and confirmed he had no criminal history. His character confirmed, the judge granted his wish: and what would you like your new name to be son?
DAVID Lipchitz.

Why don't penguins get legally married?

Because they're animals and have no concept of marriage.

Why couldn't the molecule split up?

It was in a legally bonding contract.

If you buy cabbage from Coles you are legally obliged to buy carrots and mayo as well

It's called Coleslaw

BREAKING: American Jazz musician sentenced to 12 months in prison, legally changes name

Felonious Monk will be eligible for parole in 6 months

Biden has won so many times in Michigan now

he's legally required to change his name to Ohio State.

I met a sorceress in the desert once

She told me I could have all the churned dairy products and preserved fruit I could ever want, but first I had to marry her and sign a legally binding agreement that she would get it all back if we ever got divorced
Until that day I'd never believed the legends of the prenup butter and jelly sand witch

I work for a company that legally changes names

A woman named Tina came in the other day and I was really impressed. I'm gonna Mary her
(it's my cake day... take er easy)

My girlfriend and I are now in a long distance relationship

I still see her all the time, I'm just not legally permitted to be within 1,000 ft. of her.

Can you go to jail for this?

A d**... enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this d**..., but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.
She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; what are you in for?"
She responds, "possession."

I finally got a name change!

My name is now legally Joe, but for some reason people stopped taking me seriously.
They think I'm Joe King

Waitress: your meal comes with poached eggs, will that be ok?

Me: No, I will only eat them if they are legally obtained.

How do birds legally show where they live?

Proof of perches

What's the difference between a fetus in the US and a politician in the US?

The fetus is legally required to become a human being.

A guy walks into his kitchen and sees his roommate writing on a piece of paper

Guy: what's up?
Roommate: Im legally changing my name to Dragon Ball Z.
Guy: wait, what, can you even do that?
Roommate: yea, it's a lot of paperwork tho.
This isn't even my final form.

Legally joke, A guy walks into his kitchen and sees his roommate writing on a piece of paper