Legal Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal.

Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.

A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...

The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"

The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."

"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"

"Yep. What's your third question?"

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13]

If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US,

He will be rolling in his grave.

The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in common?

In both countries, it's legal to get stoned.

"Barely legal".

Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.

My best friend was my partner in crime

until homosexuality was made legal.

A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...

it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.

The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"

A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"

What's the best thing about fucking twenty six year olds?

It's perfectly legal to fuck someone my own age.

There were three friends...

There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.

The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."

The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."

The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."

A doctor & a lawyer are talking at a party.

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

Congratulations to Alabama for making same sex marriage legal

Now the men can finally marry their brothers

An American, a Chinese, a Russian, a German and a Syrian passenger are on a train...

The American starts to toss legal documents out the train's window.

The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat?"

The American replies, "We have too much of these."

---

Then the Chinese begins throwing rice out the window.

The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat now?"

The Chinese replies, "We got lay too much of that lice."

---

The Russian then flicks dashcams and vodka out his window.

The German asks, "Vat's the matter vith those?"

The Russian replies, "They're too common where I'm from, comrade."

---

The German looks at the Syrian guy.

#The Syrian guy, nervous, exclaims, "Don't you fooking dare!"

I put my USDA inspected chicken strip in my wallet.

Now my legal tender is safe.

What do you get with legalized prostitution and a highly competitive marketplace?

The best bang for your buck.

The Greek Legal System

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

The police arrested me for paying for sex with a child.

Apparently they aren't legal currency.

Are you aware you broke the speed limit?

A man and his wife were driving on the motorway when a police car signalled for them to pull over.

Having stopped, the police officer walked over to the car and asked the man to unwind his window:

''Sir, are you aware of how fast you were just driving?''

The man replies, ''I'm sure I didn't break the speed limit officer.''

''Well I just clocked you at 78''

''Impossible officer, I never went over 70.''

''I can assure you sir, you were well over the legal speed limit''

''Well I can assure YOU that I never went over 70!''

At this point the man's wife interrupts: ''Excuse me officer, you're wasting your time''

''How so?'' replies the policeman

''There's no point arguing with my husband after he's had this much to drink''

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

3 men are arrested at a public pool, and go to court

The first man steps up to the defendant's stand, and the judge says to him: "State your name and crime."

So the first man says: "my name is Billy your honour, and I was just blowing bubbles in the pool."

So the judge says "well Billy, that is a bit weird, but perfectly legal. You're free to go."

So Billy leaves the courtroom, and the next man is called up

"My name is Bobby your honour, and I was also just blowing bubbles in the pool."

So the judge replies, "well Bobby, as I said to Billy. That is a bit strange at your age, but again, perfectly legal. You are free to go."

So Bobby leaves the courtroom, and the third man steps up.

"Your honour, my name is Bubbles--"

A farmer is transporting donkeys across the interstate.

He is driving at a brisk but legal pace when he was suddenly pulled over by a two state troopers.

The first trooper says, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

The farmer looked at him, puzzled, and replied, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I was going five miles below the speed limit!"

The first trooper angrily looks over at the second and says, "You told me he was speeding!"

Flustered, the second officer replies, "No no no, I said he was hauling ass!"

Why can't the Infiniti car company trademark ∞ ?

Because the legal battle would be endless.

What's the difference between a cop and a criminal?

It's legal to defend yourself when a criminal robs you.

TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye.

Did you hear about the man with a legal fetish?

He got off on a technicality.

By Legalizing Same-Sex Marriage and Cannabis, We Finally Interpreted the Bible Correctly

**A man who lays with another man should be stoned.** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

Question from a Legal Ethics Law School Final Exam

A potential client comes into John's office and says he has been out of jail for 3 years and wants to check to make sure he is now officially off probation. John agrees to investigate. He tells the client it will cost him $100 if the matter can be handled with a simple phone call but he will have to bill by the hour if it requires any further investigation like writing a letter. The client agrees. He hands John a $100 bill and leaves the office. As John goes to put the money in a drawer he notices the client accidentally gave him two $100 bills stuck together.

Does John have to share the extra $100 with his partners?

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

The owner of Bell Incorporated has just died...

The first in line to receive the inheritance is the owner's son, who gladly accepts it. However, the company lawyer says that he needs to take a photo of him for legal purposes. After developing the photo, he sends it off to the employees in the company to announce their new boss. He says "Here's the fresh prints of Bell heir".

What happened to the man with a legal fetish when he went to court for his parking ticket?

He got off on a technicality

How do you get a Russian to the legal alcohol limit?

Sober him up for a week or two.

After committing very heinous crimes, three men are sentenced to 20 years of solitary confinement.

However, they are allowed to have *one* form of luxury for their sentence.


The first man requests a large stack of legal textbooks for his cell. The second man asks for a large stack of medical textbooks. The third man, on the other hand, requests 200 packs of cigarettes.



20 years have passed, and the three men are each released. The first man looks very pleased with himself and says to the wardens, "I've studied so hard I can now qualify as a *lawyer*!"


The second man looks equally proud. "I've studied so hard I can now qualify as a *doctor*," he remarks.



The third man shuffles out of his cell, looking extremely disgruntled. With a very annoyed tone, he says "Does anyone have a match?"

Legalising weed

My campaign for legalising weed is going well, I've placed posters everywhere, I call it _Propaganja_.

Billing

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. 

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. 

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. 

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Apparently there's a voluntary organization trying to gain legal rights for apes.

I guess you could say their work is Pro-Bonobo.

Paddy's 18th birthday

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him "
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Not, not "Argh." Too obvious.

Not the "C" either. Everyone has heard that one.

"Without a P he's irate hahahahaha!" Blah blah blah. Nope.

Give up?

A letter of marque. It makes his profession semi legitimate, provides for a legal way to store his wealth in his homeland, and allows him to attain social prestige far above his station if successful enough.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

What device can make prostitution legal?

A camera.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.


After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"


"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."


The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.


The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.


When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Alabama changed the legal drinking age to 33.

They're trying to keep it out of high schools.

I went to see a sex therapist.

She said, "How many times have you had sex in the past month?"

"Twice," I replied. "I'm too preoccupied with other things."

"Children?" she asked.

I said, "No. They were of legal age."

A blonde tried to sell her old car

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

An American and an Australian are chatting in a bar.

An American and an Australian are chatting in a bar.

After both ordering their drinks, the Australian asks the American "So what is it that you do for a living?"

"Oh" the American responds. "I help my clients by representing them in court, and also advise them in other legal matters."

In a thick Australian accent, the other man replies "You're a lawyer."

And the American says "No really, it's the truth."

Did you know Kim Khardashian's dad was a member of OJ Simpsons legal team?

So the whole family has a history of getting black guys off

I recently had sex with a girl who I thought I was legal age

A wave of horror came over me when I noticed her toe tag said "15 years old"

In the UK it is legal to have sex with a girl when she leaves school...

So, 3.15pm??

The World's Most Hardcore Biker

The world's most hardcore biker walks in to a bar while he's riding his bike across the country. He's wearing his ratty jeans, combat boots and his ragged leather vest showing off all his less than legal achievements. As he walks in, all eyes in the building fall upon him, his very stride exuding machismo and danger.

He spots a dead, stuffed gator at the end of the bar and swaggers up to it. He eyes it for a moment and whips out his cock, stuffs it in the gator's mouth, and slams down as hard as he can on it's head, making the jaw and teeth bite down on his fully erect member.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHER-FUCKERS THINKS YOU CAN DO THIS SHIT!?" he shouts to the awe stricken bar, then takes a long, hard pull from a bottle of cheap bourbon.

A small, dainty man in daisy dukes saunters up to the biker, places his well groomed hand upon his shoulder and whispers softly in to his ear

"I can sweety, but you gotta promise not to hit my head so hard."

21st Birthdays

A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink.

So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July."

Why should polygamy be legal?

Any guy willing to take multiple wives is punishment enough!

Did you hear about the new law that passed? If you're living in Oklahoma, it is illegal to be buried in Texas...

But once you die, it's perfectly legal.

Whoring yourself for money is legal in the United States

Just take a look at our politicians.

(Original) Did you hear about the guy who had a sexual attraction to the legal system?

He got off on a technicality.

The millennium is now legal.

Who wants to be the first person to fuck time itself?

If my Sky Internet gets any slower

by the time this video has downloaded the girl in it will be legal.

What do you call 18 year old wheat?

Barley legal.

What do you call a Mexican with white privilege?

Legal

My unemployed alcoholic father has a brilliant legal mind.

Unfortunately he's never passed a bar.

How police officers argue with lawyers

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. The sheriff asks for license and registration.

The lawyer asks, "What for?"

The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently.

The lawyer, thinking he knows everything about the law says "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle."

The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Why didn't the lawyer steal his coffee?

He wanted legal grounds.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

The prostitute stops screwing the client when they die.

Source: eavesdropping on the legal counsel at work.

A feminist has taken legal action against a shopping mall Santa.

She claims he called her a hoe three times.

I can't wait until I'm legal to drink..

only eating all these years has left me thirsty. I have heard good things about water

What are the funniest legal jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Legal? Well, here are the best Legal puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Legal pick up lines to share with friends.

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