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Legal Jokes

121 legal jokes and hilarious legal puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about legal that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Make your next Christmas party a laugh riot with these hilarious legal jokes for lawyers. From lawsuits to violations and more, these jokes will leave everyone in stitches. Put your entertaining skills to the test and add these legal jokes to your repertoire!

Short legal jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The legal humour may include short laws jokes also.

  1. The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn't share the flatbread recipe Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.
  2. Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians. Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.
  3. President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states. Solid, liquid and gas.
  4. How to win the war on drugs 1) legalize all drugs.
    2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.
  5. I don't see why racists are upset with Harriet Tubman being on the $20 bill... They can finally legally own a black person again.
  6. The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week... Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.
  7. Just had the following conversation in court Judge: State your name.
    Me: Not Guilty
    Judge: What?
    Me: I had it legally changed.
    Judge: You're Not Guilty?
    Me: Thanks, I'm outta here
  8. Hopefully, Biden will never be the leader of my country Because if he is, something's gone wrong with the Canadian legal system
  9. Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32? To keep alcohol out of the high schools.
  10. As a Hilary supporter in Colorado, I'm still happy with the outcome of the election. Since proposition 106 passed I can legally kill myself now that trump won.

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Which legal one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with legal? I can suggest the ones about proper and reasonable.

  1. The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today Now you can legally blow the cartridges.
  2. Bruce Jenner should legally change his name to Trans
  3. My best friend was my partner in crime until homosexuality was made legal.
  4. I've heard that U2 has never paid legal any legal fees Their lawyers all work pro-Bono.
  5. How do you get a Russian to the legal alcohol limit? Sober him up for a week or two.
  6. Where did the two bananas settle their legal dispute? The court of A-peels
  7. What device can make prostitution legal? A camera.
  8. I'm pitching a show about magical arts in the legal system Subpoena the Teenage Witch
  9. How does a pregnant woman in Texas get a legal abortion? Trespass.
  10. What do you call 18 year old wheat? Barley legal.
  11. What do you call a Mexican with white privilege? Legal
  12. Why didn't the lawyer steal his coffee? He wanted legal grounds.
  13. I always wanted to be a teacher... That way I could legally give students the D
  14. On which day of the week is it legal to marry the 8-bit Nintend console? Wednesday.
  15. What is the legal loop hole in breaking and entering laws? The Santa Clause

Here is a list of funny legal tender jokes and even better legal tender puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you know that chicken strips are a new form of currency in some areas? They're considered legal tender
  • I once tried to pay for something with an 18-year-old piece of chicken. When the cashier said, "sir, we can't accept this",
    I said, "why? It's legal tender."
  • What do you call a gentle loving lawyer? Legal Tender
  • What does the yen and a thirteen year old have in common? In Japan, they're both legal tender.
  • What is chicken used as currency called? Legal tender
  • Paying for things with hugs Because it's legal tender.
  • Nintendo recently acquired a printing press Word is, they're using it to create legal Nin-tender
  • How did the steak chef at the courthouse like his paycheck? In legal tender
  • I put my USDA inspected chicken s**... in my wallet. Now my legal tender is safe.
  • Why is it i**... to burn money to a crisp? Cuz then it wouldn't be legal...*tender*

Here is a list of funny perfectly legal jokes and even better perfectly legal puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Jesus Perfect? Honor your father and mother?
    He disrespected Joseph, his legal adopted Dad, a lot by hanging out with his deadbeat birth father.
  • It's perfectly legal to kill someone in dream.
  • Did you hear about the new law that passed? If you're living in Oklahoma, it is i**... to be buried in Texas... But once you die, it's perfectly legal.
  • The legal system is like bleach, Works perfectly for w**..., but not with colors.
Legal joke, The legal system is like bleach,

Here is a list of funny legal advice jokes and even better legal advice puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Help, I just sunk the wrong submarine and I need legal advice Whoops! Wrong sub.
  • I just found out I've been being recorded by a hacker on my computer for the past couple of days; I need some legal advice. I admitted to being the real slim shady
  • [Nsfw] What do you call it when getting ad hoc legal advice from a friend turns into a night of s**... passion? IANAL s**...

Here is a list of funny legal studies jokes and even better legal studies puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My friend Bert disliked his name ... so he studied all the rules and laws about legally changing it. In case you have any questions about name-changing, feel free to ask him - he is now an ex-Bert.
Legal joke, My friend Bert disliked his name

What funny jokes about legal you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean logical jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make legal pranks.

Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the g**..., make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

By legalizing Cannabis and same-s**... marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be s**...."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
Edit1: a typo
Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to w**... except quebec.

They only get oui'd

There were three friends...

There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."

My teacher put these onto our Word of the Day test in class today.

What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch? Chicken Spocks!
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
What is a polygon? A dead parrot!

A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...

The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"
The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."
"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"
"Yep. What's your third question?"

The lawsuit seeking 'personhood' status for chimpanzees

Evidence in this lawsuit clearly demonstrates that the legal definition of "person" is badly flawed,
and needs to be corrected by excluding liberal lawyers.

A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...

it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.
The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"
A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"

whats a similarity between colorado and saudi arabia?

It's legal to get s**...

Apparently there's a voluntary organization trying to gain legal rights for apes.

I guess you could say their work is Pro-Bonobo.

Congratulations to Alabama for making same s**... marriage legal

Now the men can finally marry their brothers

An American and an Australian are chatting in a bar.

An American and an Australian are chatting in a bar.
After both ordering their drinks, the Australian asks the American "So what is it that you do for a living?"
"Oh" the American responds. "I help my clients by representing them in court, and also advise them in other legal matters."
In a thick Australian accent, the other man replies "You're a lawyer."
And the American says "No really, it's the truth."

Did you know Kim Khardashian's dad was a member of OJ Simpsons legal team?

So the whole family has a history of getting black guys off

What do you get with legalized prostitution and a highly competitive marketplace?

The best bang for your buck.

Alabama changed the legal drinking age to 33.

They're trying to keep it out of high schools.

The owner of Bell Incorporated has just died...

The first in line to receive the inheritance is the owner's son, who gladly accepts it. However, the company lawyer says that he needs to take a photo of him for legal purposes. After developing the photo, he sends it off to the employees in the company to announce their new boss. He says "Here's the fresh prints of Bell heir".

What happened to the man with a legal f**... when he went to court for his parking ticket?

He got off on a technicality

If my Sky Internet gets any slower

by the time this video has downloaded the girl in it will be legal.

What do you call it when a non-binary gendered couple has a legal dispute over custody of their children?

A transparency review.

The UK Government has decided to make l**... legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

In the UK it is legal to have s**... with a girl when she leaves school...

So, 3.15pm??

An American, a Chinese, a Russian, a German and a Syrian passenger are on a train...

The American starts to toss legal documents out the train's window.
The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat?"
The American replies, "We have too much of these."
---
Then the Chinese begins throwing rice out the window.
The German asks, "Vy are you doing zat now?"
The Chinese replies, "We got lay too much of that lice."
---
The Russian then flicks dashcams and v**... out his window.
The German asks, "Vat's the matter vith those?"
The Russian replies, "They're too common where I'm from, comrade."
---
The German looks at the Syrian guy.
#The Syrian guy, nervous, exclaims, "Don't you fooking dare!"

I recently had s**... with a girl who I thought I was legal age

A wave of horror came over me when I noticed her toe tag said "15 years old"

Why should polygamy be legal?

Any guy willing to take multiple wives is punishment enough!

(Original) Did you hear about the guy who had a s**... attraction to the legal system?

He got off on a technicality.

Millenials are Killing the Coat Hanger Industry

more than half of them support legal abortions.

What's the difference between a cop and a criminal?

It's legal to defend yourself when a criminal robs you.

A feminist has taken legal action against a shopping mall Santa.

She claims he called her a h**... three times.

I can't wait until I'm legal to drink..

only eating all these years has left me thirsty. I have heard good things about water

Now that w**... is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for i**... possession.

My unemployed alcoholic father has a brilliant legal mind.

Unfortunately he's never passed a bar.

By legalizing Cannabis and same-s**... marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be s**...." [Leviticus 20:13]

I went to see a s**... therapist.

She said, "How many times have you had s**... in the past month?"
"Twice," I replied. "I'm too preoccupied with other things."
"Children?" she asked.
I said, "No. They were of legal age."

A doctor & a lawyer are talking at a party.

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

Legalising w**...

My campaign for legalising w**... is going well, I've placed posters everywhere, I call it _Propaganja_.

w**... yourself for money is legal in the United States

Just take a look at our politicians.

I went to Coles to buy a cabbage but apparently it's a legal requirement to buy mayonnaise and carrots too.

It's Coles Law.

The police arrested me for paying for s**... with a child.

Apparently they aren't legal currency.

Did you hear about the man with a legal f**...?

He got off on a technicality.

If snoop dogg dies before p**... becomes legal in the US,

He will be rolling in his grave.

What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in common?

In both countries, it's legal to get s**....

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Not, not "Argh." Too obvious.
Not the "C" either. Everyone has heard that one.
"Without a P he's irate hahahahaha!" Blah blah blah. Nope.
Give up?
A letter of marque. It makes his profession semi legitimate, provides for a legal way to store his wealth in his homeland, and allows him to attain social prestige far above his station if successful enough.
Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

"b**...".

Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.

Today the president signed a bill making it against the law to get up out of a chair.

I tried to sue but the judge said there was no legal standing.

Why can't the Infiniti car company trademark ∞ ?

Because the legal battle would be endless.

In France it's legal to marry someone dead.

On an unrelated note, there's recently been an increase in the sales of s**....

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".

According to Scientists atom's are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

Gillian Anderson of the x files just lost custody of her 12 year old boy following a long legal battle.

She is now Gillian Withouterson.

Breaking: CNN legal analyst caught m**... on a Zoom call

Guess you could say he just couldn't keep his Toobin his pants

By legalizing Cannabis and same-s**... marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be s**...."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

Where do pints go to settle their legal troubles?

The Supreme Quart

w**... is legal, but haircuts are not

It took them over 50 years, but the hippies finally won

By legalizing Cannabis and same-s**... marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be s**...."

Did you know it's legal to let cannibals eat you?

It might cost an arm and a leg, though.

It's no longer legal to use hash marks to count in Afghanistan

This is because of the new tally ban rule.

LifeProTip: Change your legal name to "Probably Fraud" with your phone company.

That way you can call anyone you want and just leave a message without any risk that they would actually pick up the phone.

He who lies with a man as with a woman must be s**... (Leviticus 20:13)

Fortunately both are legal in Canada.

There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.

They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof, and even the best estimates are that they won't turn a profit until 2034. The steaks have never been higher.

A man is in legal trouble after harassing a sea cow at the p**... Mansion.

He's been charged with crimes against Hugh's manatee.

As of today it is legal for fruit to get married in Finland

Sadly the new law restricts one type of fruit to large elaborate wedding ceremonies............
Cantaloupe

Breaking News: Legal alien lived a lavish lifestyle for years by impersonating music icon Sting.

Today he finally turned himself into the police.

Is "I don't remember" considered a legitimate legal response?

Because it sure as heck doesn't work with my wife.

What did the w**... sellers create when they went legal?

A "joint"-stock company.

Legal joke, What did the w**... sellers create when they went legal?

jokes about legal