legal Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious legal stories

What are the best Legal puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Legal? Well here is a complete list of Legal dad jokes:

Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

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A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...

The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"

The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."

"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"

"Yep. What's your third question?"

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A blonde tried to sell her old car

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

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A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...

it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.

The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"

A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"

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Congratulations to Alabama for making same sex marriage legal

Now the men can finally marry their brothers

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Are you aware you broke the speed limit?

A man and his wife were driving on the motorway when a police car signalled for them to pull over.

Having stopped, the police officer walked over to the car and asked the man to unwind his window:

''Sir, are you aware of how fast you were just driving?''

The man replies, ''I'm sure I didn't break the speed limit officer.''

''Well I just clocked you at 78''

''Impossible officer, I never went over 70.''

''I can assure you sir, you were well over the legal speed limit''

''Well I can assure YOU that I never went over 70!''

At this point the man's wife interrupts: ''Excuse me officer, you're wasting your time''

''How so?'' replies the policeman

''There's no point arguing with my husband after he's had this much to drink''

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Question from a Legal Ethics Law School Final Exam

A potential client comes into John's office and says he has been out of jail for 3 years and wants to check to make sure he is now officially off probation. John agrees to investigate. He tells the client it will cost him $100 if the matter can be handled with a simple phone call but he will have to bill by the hour if it requires any further investigation like writing a letter. The client agrees. He hands John a $100 bill and leaves the office. As John goes to put the money in a drawer he notices the client accidentally gave him two $100 bills stuck together.

Does John have to share the extra $100 with his partners?

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With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

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Apparently there's a voluntary organization trying to gain legal rights for apes.

I guess you could say their work is Pro-Bonobo.

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An American and an Australian are chatting in a bar.

An American and an Australian are chatting in a bar.

After both ordering their drinks, the Australian asks the American "So what is it that you do for a living?"

"Oh" the American responds. "I help my clients by representing them in court, and also advise them in other legal matters."

In a thick Australian accent, the other man replies "You're a lawyer."

And the American says "No really, it's the truth."

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21st Birthdays

A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink.

So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July."

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The World's Most Hardcore Biker

The world's most hardcore biker walks in to a bar while he's riding his bike across the country. He's wearing his ratty jeans, combat boots and his ragged leather vest showing off all his less than legal achievements. As he walks in, all eyes in the building fall upon him, his very stride exuding machismo and danger.

He spots a dead, stuffed gator at the end of the bar and swaggers up to it. He eyes it for a moment and whips out his cock, stuffs it in the gator's mouth, and slams down as hard as he can on it's head, making the jaw and teeth bite down on his fully erect member.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHER-FUCKERS THINKS YOU CAN DO THIS SHIT!?" he shouts to the awe stricken bar, then takes a long, hard pull from a bottle of cheap bourbon.

A small, dainty man in daisy dukes saunters up to the biker, places his well groomed hand upon his shoulder and whispers softly in to his ear

"I can sweety, but you gotta promise not to hit my head so hard."

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Did you hear about the new law that passed? If you're living in Oklahoma, it is illegal to be buried in Texas...

But once you die, it's perfectly legal.

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How police officers argue with lawyers

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. The sheriff asks for license and registration.

The lawyer asks, "What for?"

The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently.

The lawyer, thinking he knows everything about the law says "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle."

The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

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My teacher put these onto our Word of the Day test in class today.

What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch? Chicken Spocks!

What animals are on legal documents? Seals!

What is a polygon? A dead parrot!

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whats a similarity between colorado and saudi arabia?

It's legal to get stoned

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What do you call a TV reality show where a 50 year old white man is trying to get laid?

To catch a predator.

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Why do white girls walk around in groups of 3 and 5?
Because they can't even!

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Why do white people have so many pets?
Because owning people is not legal anymore

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So a man seeking legal advice steps into a small law firm's office...

...and says to the man sitting at his desk, "Excuse me sir, are you a lawyer?" "Yes I am," says the lawyer.
"What is your fee?" the man responds.
"$25,000 for every four questions" the lawyer answers
"Isn't that terribly expensive?" the man asks, shocked
"Yes. What's your fourth question?" says the lawyer.

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The lawsuit seeking 'personhood' status for chimpanzees

Evidence in this lawsuit clearly demonstrates that the legal definition of "person" is badly flawed,


and needs to be corrected by excluding liberal lawyers.

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In relation to the top stories in the news.

Top gear is cancelled in England but at least top gear is legal in Ireland.

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LEGAL JARGON!

Q: What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian?
A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!

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Law Interpretation

Alex failed in the final Law Exam & decided to make a deal with the Professor.

Alex: Sir, Can I ask you one question?

Professor: Yes.

Alex: If you can answer this question, I will accept my final marks, if you cant, you will have to give me an "A" grading.

Professor agreed.

Alex asked: What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give The student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

The following day, Professor asked same question to his students. He was shocked when all of them raised their hands......

He asked one student. He answered:
Sir, you are 65, married to a 28 yrs old woman, this is legal but not logical. Your wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal. Your wife's boyfriend has failed in his exam & yet you have given him an "A", this is neither logical nor legal

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[Fixed] What's the different between weed and pussy?

Using 6 year old weed is legal ^where ^^I ^^^am

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Is marrying your first cousin legal in California?

Maeby.

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Nintendo recently acquired a printing press

Word is, they're using it to create legal Nin-tender

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The Purge: American Cops

For just 365 nights a year, murder is legal!

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Another Lawyer Joke

A man's having a few legal issues, so he phones his lawyer and asks, 'How much would it cost me to ask you three questions?'
'It'd be $800', replies the lawyer.
'$800 for three questions?', replies the man, outraged.
'Yep, $800' says the lawyer.
'That's a lot of money, isn't it' the man retorts, gradually getting angrier,
'Yes, I suppose it is' says the lawyer, 'Now, what was your third question?'

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Have you heard about the free, legal, new release movie download service?

Yeah, all that you need to do is hack into Sony's email server.

HAHAHA... topical.

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It's perfectly legal to kill someone in dream.

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I met this girl in a bar and we talked about our jobs and how she really enjoyed working at the local quarry.

I took her home and the following morning I woke up to the sound of police sirens.

Turns out it's not legal to have relations with a miner.

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What do you call a horse who has just turned 18?

barley legal.

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Want to hear another joke about Ebola?

You'll probably get it this time, i promise!


So I recently started spamming Nigerian e-mail adresses with the following;

"Have 50 boxes of ZMapp experimental Ebola vaccine. Need to send to you. Please send deeds and all legal documents for your property to me so I know where to send them.

All the best
ZMapp Distribution Services"


Jokes on you this time suckers!

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A female philosophy student fails her exam...

A female philosophy student fails her exam. Frustrated she approaches her tutor and asks her "Do you know anything about the subject you teach?" She replies "Of course, I wouldn't be a tutor otherwise."
The girl says " Ok, I'll ask you a philosophical question. If you can answer it, I'll accept my failure, If you can't give me full marks." The tutor accepts. The girl asks "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?" The tutor gives this a lot of thought. Finally she gives up, eats humble pie and gives the girl full marks. A few days later the tutors curiosity gets the better of her and phones the girl. She asks "Ok fair enough, I've given you a pass, full marks too, now whats the answer to that question?"
She says "The fact that you, a 50 year old woman, are married to a 25 year old man, is legal but not logical. The fact that your husband is having an affair with a 20 year old girl, is logical but not legal. And the fact that you have given an unearned pass to your husbands lover is neither legal nor logical."

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There were three friends...

There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.

The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."

The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."

The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."

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A woman is pregnant with twins when she gets into a car accident...

...she wakes up in the hospital and the doctor says her twins have already been delivered, a boy and a girl. But since she wasn't around to name them, they had to ask her brother to give them legal names.

The woman was worried, because her brother was a bit of an idiot. "What did he name them?" she asked.

"He named the girl Denise," the doctor said.

"Oh, that's a nice name," she said in relief. "What did he name the boy?"

"Denephew."

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How did the steak chef at the courthouse like his paycheck?

In legal tender

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A funny Law joke.

I heard a guy on the radio talk about his work with a non-profit law firm which protects the legal rights of apes.

I guess you could say his work is, 'pro bonobo'.

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Drunk driver

A cop pulls over a car, walks up to the window and knocks on it. The driver rolls down the window and immediately a really strong smell of alcochol emerges.

Cop- "Sir, wtf, you are way over the legal limit and could have killed someone, explain yourself"

Dude- "Sorry officer, but can you excuse me, I was way too drunk to stand up and walk home so I took the car"

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Why don't people get married in North Korea?

Well, all marriages are legal in North Korea, but no one has them because there's no rice to throw.

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My ex-girlfriend...

Bent my car's hood,but it was my fault a little bit too I was just a little bit over the legal speed.

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When weed becomes legal the ATF will be the bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Marijuana and Firearms. Just add blowjobs to that and you have my Xmas list.

Who wouldn't want to work there?

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Oscar Pistorius has sacked his legal team.

He has now hired Celtic as he heard they lost both legs and still managed to win.

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Paddy's 18th birthday

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him "
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"

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Legalizing weed is like Global Warmaing

............................. In that only the people who are passionate about it display it proudly to everyone else. Global Warmers (that's what I call them) know everything that you do is wrong and hurting the world and throw it in your face for not doing it and Marijuana enthusiasts (stoners) know everything that's wrong that you do that weed can cure and throw it in your face for not doing it

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Mickey mouse files for devorce

Mickey Mouse goes to see his solicitor about filing for divorce from Minnie Mouse.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you, Mr Mouse, that prominent teeth are not a legal grounds for divorce" says the solicitor

"I not talking about her teeth." Says Mickey, "I said she was 'fucking Goofy'!"

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best legal jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 46 puns about legal. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty legal gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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