Howlingly Hilarious Leg Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?
It's so that they'll end up in a cast.
So God creates Adam...
...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.
God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."
God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."
Adam hesitates..
"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.
God responds "An arm and a leg."
Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"
I had my leg x-rayed today.
The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "披萨卷2.54披萨卷"
A husband sends a text to his wife.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?
If a blind girl says you have a big willy…
She's probably just pulling your leg.
God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"
God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"
British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final
Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k
I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...
I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...
Slip of the Tongue
Joe has a broken leg. Mike comes over and asks, "How you doing', Joe?"
Joe says, "Do me a favor: Run upstairs and get my slippers."
Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters. He says, "your dad sent me up here to have s**... with both of you."
One girl replies, "Get out of here. Prove it?"
Mike shouts down stairs -, "Hey, Joe, both of 'em?"
Joe shouts back, "of course, both of 'em!" What's the point of f**...' one?"
My dog, Grandpa
The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.
That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.
I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.
Grandpa pooped in the living room again.
I had to put grandpa down today.
Grandpa ran away again.
I caught Grandpa h**... my friend's leg again.
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.
Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.
Sorry, but I'm a vet, I specialize in horses.
Come on, please, it can't be that big of a difference?
Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.
You can explore leg amputate reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean leg between your legs dad jokes. There are also leg puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?
He's dead.
My friend went bankrupt after inventing a sandal for people with only one leg.
It was a flop.
There was a man with a wooden leg called Steve.
I wonder what was his other leg was called.
You can't hang a man with a wooden leg,
You need a rope.
What does a pirate say when he puts his peg leg in a freezer?
Shiver me timbers!
After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I'm alone. Can you create me one also?
God replied, Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.
Adam thought for a second and said, What do you got for a rib?
Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia.
Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its hilarious.
What do you call an Asian lady with one leg longer than the other??
Irene
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM
I asked him what he was doing and he said he was checking his balance.
I'm getting my girlfriend a prosthetic leg for Xmas
It's just a stocking filler.
That pig is a hero.
One day two farmers are chatting and farmer 1 notices that farmer 2 has an odd pig.
Farmer 1: "hey why does that pig over there only got three legs?"
Farmer 2: "oh that pig, he's a hero. bout a month ago there was a fire at my house and that pig came in, and pulled my whole family out of the house while we were sleeping."
Farmer 1: "oh, so it lost the leg in the fire?"
Farmer 2: "no, a pig like that you don't eat all at once."
Scientists have discovered why flamingos stand on one leg
Because if they lifted the other one as well, they'd fall.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places...
He said to stop going to those places.
Vader has a pretty sweet suit.
It must have cost at least an arm and a leg.
A zookeeper calls an ambulance and says: "Help, a crocodile took my leg off!"
The EMT asks: "Oh my god, which one?"
"I don't know", the zookeeper says, " those b**... all look the same!"
the three legged pig joke reminded me of a joke my dad once told me
a scientist was doing an experiment on a frog in his lab, he placed the frog down on the floor and said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped 4 feet and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 4 legs, jumps 4 feet"
he then cut off one of the frogs legs and again said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped only 3 feet this time and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 3 legs, jumps 3 feet"
he cut off a 2nd leg and said "Frog jump!". this time the frog only jumped 2 feet and so he noted
"frog with 2 legs, jumps 2 feet"
he then cut off a 3rd leg and again said "Frog jump!". the frog only jumped a foot and so he noted
"frog with 1 leg, jumps 1 foot"
the scientist then cut off the frogs last remaining leg and said "Frog jump!, Frog jump!, FROG JUMP!!!!!" but the frog did not move. so he noted
"frog with 0 legs, deaf"
I invented a sandal for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
What do you call an Irish woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Ilene.
What do you call a Japanese woman with the same affliction?
Irene.
Just got my vaccine, but they stuck the needle in my leg.
I spent the following day thinking my Pfizer killing me
Did you hear that the World Hokey Pokey Champion has died?
At the undertakers, they were putting him into the coffin. They got his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...
Adam spoke to God in the Garden of Eden
"I am lonely" said Adam. "I need someone around for company."
"Very well," said God. "I will create a companion for you. One who will obey your every word, do all your chores along with cooking and cleaning for you."
"Wonderful!" said Adam. "What will it take?"
"For you, it will cost an arm and a leg" said God.
"That seems pretty steep" said Adam. "What could I get for just a rib?"
What goes 99 clunk, 99 clunk?
A centipede with a peg leg
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with one leg?
Steak.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom.
The man who wrote the hokie pokie died recently
They had a real hard time trying to fit him into the coffin though.
It all started when they put his right leg in..
My girlfriend told me she had never heard of condoms...
I thought she must be pulling my leg so I played along. Oh yeah? I said, They're for covering your cigarettes in the rain.
Well one day we were in a pharmacy and she asked the clerk for a package of condoms. He asked what kind, and she said oh, to fit a camel.
How much does a red lightsaber cost?
An arm and a leg
^^
A dumb scientist is experimenting on a fly...
He pulls one leg off and says 'Fly, walk'. The fly walks.
He pulls the second leg off and says 'Fly, walk'. Again, the fly walks.
He continues until he gets to the last leg. Pulling it off, he says 'Fly, walk'. The fly does not walk. He repeats the command, but the fly does not shift a millimetre.
He scribbles down 'After removal of the 6th leg, the fly has become deaf'
Small o**...
A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over.
After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing.
"Your o**...," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."
Hurt, he replied, "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence with.
God answers of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue .
Adam is excited and asks that sounds perfect, what will it cost me
An arm and a leg
….what can I get for a rib?
I saw a guy at an ATM with no arms, and a peg leg
He asked if I would help him check his balance... so I pushed him over
I went to an archaeologist's party where we were excavating a lower leg bone.
It was quite the shindig.
An economists left leg is on fire and his right leg is frozen...
He says "on average I'm perfectly fine".
My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.
My wife put her hand on my leg, winked at me, and told me to spice things up we should try some role-reversal in the bedroom tonight. I thought it was a great idea.
So I told her I had a headache, turned off the light, rolled over and went right to sleep.
A magician lost a leg during his performance.
The audience was suprised he could pull it off.
People in wheelchairs just don't get humor.
They never know when you're pulling their leg.
Firetruck game
Boy: Lets play the firetruck game.
Girl: How do you play?
Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say, "red light" when you want me to stop.
Girl: Okay :)
*Few seconds later*
Girl: RED LIGHT!!
Boy: Firetrucks don't stop for red lights ;)
What do you call an Asian man with one leg?
Tai-Wan-Shu
Why do blondes prefer to buy cars with sun roof?
Because there's more leg room.
There was a father and son..
The father is a war veteran. He also has a prosthetic leg. One day, his son asks..
"Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?"
The father responds, "No, I got shot in the leggy"
I didn't fall for my boyfriend
His third leg just tripped me
Why do midgets wear short dresses?
So they can show off a little leg.
I went to a blind p**... the other day
She told me I was the biggest she'd ever laid her hands on.
I said "nah, you're pulling my leg"
What do you call a cow...
...w/ no legs? Ground beef.
...w/ 1 leg? Stake.
...w/ 2 legs? Lean beef.
...w/ 3 legs? Tri-tip.
...w/ 4 legs? A cow, you d**....
...w/ 4 legs in the air? High stakes.
...w/ 5 legs? Chernobull.
...w/ no hind legs? An udder drag.
...w/ a twitch? Beef jerky.
I could keep going but I've milked this joke dry
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?
Tai Wan Shu
Why snakes avoid hospitals in US?
Because it "cost an arm and a leg" to enter one !
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Note: this is first dad joke I write and make ... hope it can put some smiles on some of people faces .. have a good evening guys
PS : in a second thought .. I should had made it " **Why snakes can't enter into hospitals in US?** " LOL
I used to date a girl who had one leg and worked at a brewery...
She was in charge of the hops...
Why was a man standing in front of an ATM machine with only 1 leg?
He was checking his balance.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks
Cost me an arm and a leg!
A woman with hairy armpits enters a bar..
She sits at the end of the bar and raises her arm to call the bartender and a drunkard would say, "Hey, bartender.. give the ballerina a beer on me.."
This happened two more times and the bartender finally asks, "Tell me, I'm curious.. What makes you say that the woman at the end of the bar is a ballerina? "
The drunkard shrugs and says, "Any woman that could lift her leg that high must be a ballerina."
I absolutely hate it when my tripod loses a leg.
I can't stand it.
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
What do you call an Asian woman with one leg?
Irene
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.
After a few days, she called her husband and asked, How is everything going?
The cat is dead, he replied coldly.
She cried out and said, You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day, and the next day, it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead!
No reply. The wife sighed sadly, Anyways, how's my mom?
She's playing on the roof.
A Pirate's Life
A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:
"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"
" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading a canon it blew me hand clean off".
"What about the eye-patch?".
"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".
"Well, that doesn't qualify an eye patch, now does it?"
"Arrrgh, it was the first day I got me hook".
So Adam was lonely.
God asked Adam, "What's wrong?"
Adam replied, "I'm lonely."
So God said, "Adam, I will make you a partner. She will wash and cook and clean for you; she will listen to what you have to say and never interrupt you. She won't nag you about your actions and she will even bear your children. She will stay loyal to you and never be influenced by other men."
So Adam asked, "Well, what's his gonna cost me?"
"An arm and a leg," God replied.
Then Adam asked, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other
Ilene.
What do you cal an Asian woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Irene
A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.
"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"
"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."
The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.
"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."
The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.
"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."
The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.
"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
My kid is an amputee. For xmas I got her a new prosthetic leg.
It's just a stocking filler
God creates Adam
God creates Adam and it was good. After some time God realizes Adam needs a companion and says to him, "Adam, I have decided to give you a companion. I will give you a woman who will love you and live to please you. She will be intelligent, witty, and above all beautiful. She will cook your meals, wash your clothes, and laugh at all of your jokes."
Adam couldn't believe his luck!
God says, "All this will cost you only and arm and a leg." To which Adam replies, "What can I get for a rib?"
My friends Grandpa told us this when we were about 14, What did the one leg say to the other leg?
Check out Shorty he's growing a beard!
A cop shows up to a gory car wreck (long)
A cop shows up to a gory car wreck and immediately sees several body parts lying around. He takes out his pen and pad to make some notes for his report.
"Left arm - found in ditch"
"Left leg - found in ditch"
~~"Head - found in bulavard~~
~~"Head - found in boulavard~~
*kick*
"Head - found in ditch"
Saw a guy standing on one leg at an ATM.
Saw a guy standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing. He was just checking his balance.
I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas.
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler
I once dated a woman that had one leg longer than the other..
Her name was Eileen
A young black boy walks int to kitchen ...
There he dumps a pound of flour on himself, he goes to his mother and says, " look! I'm a white boy!" His mother slaps him in the mouth and says, "go tell your Father what you jst said!" The boy goes to his fAther and says, " look! I'm a white boy!" His father takes him over his leg and spanks him hard. Then the father asked," okay son , now what have you learned?" The looks at him and says," I've only been a white boy for 8 minutes now an I already hate you black people!"
So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...
and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!" she exclaims, "This is a surprise! But I'll get the vaseline and see what I can do."
A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...
The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:
- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German
- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.
- Well, he...
Suddenly the parrot interrupts him:
- I will fall down, you idiot!
A person goes to doctor. He has pain in every part of his body
Doctor: when you touch your leg, does it hurt?
Patient: yes
Doctor: when you touch your arm, does it hurt?
Patient: yes
Doctor: when you touch your head, does it hurt?
Patient: yes
Doctor: i think your finger is broken!
The Way Women Think
Husband's Message (by text):
"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"
Wife's Response:
"Who's Paula?"
Saw an amputee in the gym today..
Couldn't help but wonder if he skips on leg day.
