Left Turn Jokes
123 left turn jokes and hilarious left turn puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about left turn that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Left Turn Short Jokes
Short left turn jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The left turn humour may include short wrong turn jokes also.
- If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals.. Left and right
- I was in a Uber today and the driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss.
Nobody tells me what to do…"
Then I said "turn left" - Two blondes are going to Disney Land At the turn off, they see a sign saying "Disneyland left"
They went home crying. - Tips to reduce weight…
First turn your head to the right and then to the left. Repeat this exercise whenever your offered something to eat! - I had a few drinks last night so I left my car and took a bus instead Turns out I can't drive a bus very well when I'm drunk either
- Gifted child! My parents always said I was a gifted child. Turns out they meant someone left me on their doorstep in a box.
- My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working" Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.
- If I have 10 guns and a Federal Law forces me to turn in 8 of them, how many will I have left? Thats right... 10.
- Why did the Wright brothers turn their aircraft 90 degrees west when their dad walked in the cockpit? because three Wrights make a left.
- When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring... When she was in a good mood, it turned blue.
When she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead...
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Left Turn One Liners
Which left turn one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with left turn? I can suggest the ones about left leaning and turn signal.
- I tried teaching my dog how to dance, but it turns out... ...he's got 2 left feet.
- My fiance left me at the altar... Turns out she wasn't as into human sacrifice as I was.
- Why does Ben Shapiro hate NASCAR? Because the cars only turn left
- What do you call making four left turns while vaping? A Juulers loop.
- The changes with NASCAR were bound to happen...... They've been turning left for years.
- If you're turning left with your car, which wheel steers less? The spare one! :P
- My wife left me because of my obsession with Cher. If I could turn back time
- I went to that restaurant that turns people into ducks. They left me with a bill.
- How do you tell a dyslectic to take the left turn on the road? Turn toward your side!
- Why won't Derek Zoolander vote for Hillary Clinton? Because he can't turn left.
- GPS: Take a left turn in 500 feet Feminist: Did you just assume my destination??
- My life is a lot like that driver who signals right, but turns left.
- How did the girl with no feet turn left? Widdershins.
- Why can't a UPS driver not drive in NASCAR? They can't make left hand turns
- What did the French guy say when he forgot to tell his driver to turn left? Oh, gosh!
Left Turn Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about left turn you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean left hand jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make left turn pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yo momma is so n**... she made Right Guard turn left!
One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land.
When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home.
Memory Lane...
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......
.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.
A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.
Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.
Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.
The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"
"No, I'm not," says the man.
"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"
"I'm tonight's DD."
"Designated Driver?"
"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."
So you're in bed...
So you're in bed with a hot girl to the right side of you and a gay man to the left of you. Who would you turn to face?
be careful with whom you chose
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister...
Are skinny dipping in the forest one day. Joking and talking philosophy and such. Suddenly they hear a large group of locals walking down the path toward them. To their dismay, they realized that they left their clothes hanging on branches on the other side of the path and would have to run past everyone to get them.
The minister gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the oncoming people to get his clothes.
The priest, in turn, gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the people to his clothes.
Finally the rabbi gets out of the water, covers his face and runs as fast as they can to his clothes.
As they dress the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,
"Why did you cover your face and not your g**...?"
"Well I don't know about you guys, but in my congregation they know me by my face."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Well, this is awkward...
A priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. They both look left and right and to their surprise see nothing but Mexicans. After this moment of confusion, the Rabbi turns to the priest and says "You know what? I think we're in the wrong joke...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men and a parachute
So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to c**.... There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.
The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.
The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."
The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."
To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."
A gnome walks into a bar...
and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Rodeo Position
Two old cowboys are sitting around a campfire and drinking. Somewhat drunk and not in the best frame of mind one turns to the other and say's I miss my missus, but when we make love it's always the same . Somewhat taken aback, but curious nonetheless, the other cowboy asks how's that? We always use the old m**... the old cowboy replies. Thinking about this the other cowboy says If you want some excitement you need to try the Rodeo position . The cowboy says What's that?
Well you start off d**..., behind her. Then you lean forward and with your right hand grab her right breast, and with your left hand grab her left breast, with your face beside her head you whisper gently in her ear, Yep feels just like your sister , and then hold on for dear life.
A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi
A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi and says: "RABBI RABBI! you're not going to believe what happened to me! My son turned Christian and left the house!"
The Rabbi says: "Well, you're not going to believe what happened to me! MY son turned Christian and Left the house."
"Well, what are we going to do?!" Asked the man.
"Let's pray to God and ask him for advice" the Rabbi answers.
They both look up and say: "God, God, you're not going to believe what happened to us! Both our sons turned Christian and left the house"
God responds: "well, you're not going to believe what happened to ME!"
Two men wanted to go to a nearby park
They drove about 5 minutes to get there. Once they did, they found a sign which read "Park left".
"Too bad," they said to each other as they turned around to go home.
My laptop got left outside during a storm. I tried turning it on and the screen blew and the keyboard started smoking.
That's the first time I've seen the rain set fire to a Dell.
My wife and I decided to go out for the day. We went for a long stroll in the park, bought some ice creams and sat by the pond, feeding the ducks. Eventually she turned to me and said, "Have you had a nice day?"
I said, "Yes thanks. It was 1987, the sun was shining and I'd just left school."
I hurt my foot a few days ago
Tripped over the stairs and partially separated my left big toenail. It's getting better, but it still hurts a fair bit.
Yesterday I was walking to class with a female friend of mine who's a cell biology major. I hadn't told her yet about what happened, so eventually she said "So why are you limping, anyway?"
I turned to her, looked her straight in the face, and without missing a beat, I said:
"My toe, sis!"
Why did the Guy took a left turn and drove off the hill?
Because he didn't had the *right* mindset ...
A First Mate turns to his Captain and says...
"Captain! There is a light ahead and we are receiving a transmission that we should veer to the left."
The Captain grabbed the radio and said, "This is a fully armed battleship. Veer right or be destroyed."
The voice on the radio responded, "This is a lighthouse. Your move."
I left my house for a five-mile-run this morning. But when I got a block away, I had to turn around and go back because I forgot something.
I forgot I can't run five miles.
An Irishman is driving to the airport
While driving, he sees a sign that says "Airport left".
So he turns around and goes home
Matthew McMonaughey's Lincoln doesn't make left turns...
It just goes all right, all right, all right.
Two hunters were driving down a narrow two lane road in an off-road jeep, and saw a sign that said 'Bear Left'...
They turned around and went home.
"You know the newest cars drive themselves. And they found that by turning an equal amount left and right, you end up going straight."
"I swear, officer."
Two Polish guys are hunting for bears in the woods.
They come across a fork in the road with a sign that says "BEAR LEFT" They both turn around and go home.
a husband is about to die...
he goes out with his friends to give them the bad news. he tells them he has an announcement to make
-" i wanted to thank you guys for being there for me, i want to inform you that i have AIDS and i will die in a week. "
everyone was devastated cried and left with their heart a little broken.
when the man arrived home, he told his wife everything. after finishing she screamed:
-"AIDS! why did you tell them you have AIDS? you have cancer, not aids!"
the man turns to his wife and says.
-"im going to die, but im going to make sure no one goes to bed with you too".
"Hey Dave!"
A guy is sitting in the left field bleachers of a baseball stadium, watching the game. In the first inning, someone pretty far behind him yells, "HEY DAVE!" The guy turns around and can't find who was yelling it.
This happens again in the fourth inning, and once more in the seventh. Frustrated at this point, the guy turns around and yells, "MY NAME'S NOT DAVE!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You hear in his will Prince left a bunch of large musical instruments to churches?
Turns out he was *a big o**... donor.*
How to lose weight easy
Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two bats...
were in a cave thirsty for blood. One bat looks to the other and says, "I'm going to look for blood, stay here I'll be back".
He flies out of the cave and returns after a long time with blood dripping out of his mouth.
Excited, the other bat asks him "Where did you find so much blood??".
The other bat says, "you go out of this cave and turn left".
"Yes", replied the other bat, excitedly.
"Then you see a tree"
"Yeah"
"Well, I didn't".
Turns out I have colon cancer. I'm getting part of it removed tomorrow.
All I'll have left is a ;
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the U.S., why are liberals better racecar drivers than conservatives?
They only take left turns.
I just hopped in an Uber...
The driver explained how much she loved her job. She was her own boss and no one could tell her what she ha...
Siri: *Turn left in half a mile*
I just watched a film where a man's wife is brutally murdered and his son is left physically disabled...
...Then in a twisted turn of events, his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
Finding Nemo is a real thriller!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The wife left a note by the TV today saying "Its not working, I'm leaving"
I plugged it in, turned it on, nothing wrong with it s**... cow!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bird lands in a bush between two others..
He turns to one on his right and asks s**... ? The other bird replies angrily No spit! . He looks at the bird to his left Hmm thorny subject .
"Police Traffic Stop"
Police: "Driver, step out of the vehicle!! Put your hands up! Take two steps to the left! Take two steps back! Now do the Hokey Pokey, but don't turn yourself around!"
I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."
So here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.
Pasteurization.
My girlfriend of two years just left me.
Turns out the police didn't exactly approve of our relationship.
So, there was this rich dude...
One day, as he is driving his fancy car down the road, he is singing to himself I love my BMW, I love BMW. He was so wrapped up in his song he missed a turn and hit a tree. Surprisingly he survived, but instead of calling for help he was crying out my BMW, oh my BMW. Just then a good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!" The rich dude, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
People say it's never too late to turn around and do something with your life
Cool, that means I have a lot of time left I can waste playing games all day before I do
A man walks into a bar.
He's lost his job, his wife left him, and his car was just stolen. He makes his way to the counter and orders a beer to drown himself in, sitting down next to a joke.
The joke turns and says to him, baffled: "This isn't how it's supposed to go."
The man replies "*You're* telling *me*?"
Hurricane Irma
Right now Irma is signaling for a left turn.
But it's Florida so, you know, you can't really be sure whats going to happen.
Turned you on
Yesterday I saw a sign above a stove and it was written
"Please turn me off! How would you feel if somebody turned you on and then left?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I left my wife last night. It turns out I like my women like I like my coffee....
Without a bunch of other dude's d**... inside of it.
A wife leaves a note for husband..
The note reads
"Dear Hon,
I've already left for work. I've prepared dinner for you and it's on the stove. Don't worry, I already turned on the stove, all you have to do is light your lighter. Remember, I love you."
Matthew McConaughey just bought NASCAR
And he's making racers drive the opposite direction. Now instead of making left turns, they're going all right, all right, all right
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did h**... fail his drivers ed?
He used his turn signals on the two left turns but failed at the 3rd r**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you know the definition of Dilemma?
Lying in a bed n**... between two people, on your left is a gay guy and on the right is a super model, which one do you turn your back to?
I turned on the radio and forgot I had the volume maxed out.
Now my left and right ear hertz a lot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yesterday, I saw a man standing all alone.
Even though he was turned away from me, I sensed something in his demeanor that suggested he could use some help. So being considerate, I approached him, placing a hand on his shoulder and asking " Do you mind if I join you? "
He certainly left the u**... in a hurry.
A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.
While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. "
The blonde look around and says
" Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes..."
Black eyes
A guy arrives at work with two black eyes. His colleagues quite naturally asked what happened. He explained, I was in an elevator with a gal in front of me that had her skirt rucked up in her crack. So I pulled it out and patted her skirt smooth for her. She then turned around and socked me in my right eye. So then they asked, how'd your left eye get black? Well I could tell that she didn't like what I did so I reach out and tucked it back in!
So my friend asked me for advice on things he could do to turn on his girlfriend.
I replied make sure you replace her batteries, and flip the switch to the left.
During winter break, I visited Paris...
My mother, a fan of operas, brought me to experience one. The performance was phenomenal. Audience members were crying. I'll admit I shed a tear, but when I left the opera house, I found more people crying too! At first, I thought the music could be heard from outside, but it turns out, it was just the tear gas down the street.
A few Indian pilots went to Russia for the training of modern MiG-27 aircraft
Russian instructor:
Press this button to takeoff.
Press this button to turn the plane right.
Press this button to turn the plane left.
Pressing this button to go up.
At the end of the training, Indian pilots stood up and asked.
But how will we bring the plane down?
The instructor took a deep breath and said "Do not worry about it and leave this job to Pakistan"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so s**... because I left them on top of my car
Turns out I lost them on my own accord
A guy who is blind in his left eye and a guy who is blind in his right eye decide to team up.
After they combine forces, they realize they weren't specific enough.
Guy number 1 turns to guy number 2 and says "Didn't see that coming."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Thief breaks into a house
A thief broke into someone's house at night. Out of nowhere he hears "Jesus is watching you". He turns to the left, nothing, then to the right, still nothing. He hears it again "Jesus is watching you". He looks up and sees a parrot.
Thief: "What's your name?"
Parrot: "Moses"
Thief: "What idiot names their parrot Moses?"
Parrot: "The same idiot that names his rottweiler Jesus"
[Late]If there's a blue house on the left and the red house is on the right where's the white house?
Idk they turned the lights off
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So NASCAR has decided to ban confederate flags at all events...
Looks like all those years of turning left rubbed off on them.
How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
It's strange to see all these NASCAR fans upset with NASCAR for taking a progressive stance.
Normally they seem to like seeing things turning to the left.
My buddy's wife left him after he lost his feet in a car accident.
Turned out she was lack toes intolerant.
I wonder where my girlfriend is...
It has been about a month since I have last seen my girlfriend, I am really worried, she left me a note on the xbox one which said "This isn't working." but I turned it on and it worked just fine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk driver is being interrogated
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that o**... to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the o**...
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea
"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."
But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."
The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*YOU\* turn to the left to avoid a collision!"
The light flashes back "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
A robber enters an old couple's home in the middle of the night...
As he is grabbing things, the couple wake up and confront him. The robber has a gun and says he would have left quietly but now he is gonna have to kill them.
"But before I do that," says the robber, "I want to know your names. What's your name, woman?"
"Linda," the wife replies meekly.
"Well, that's my mother's name. I can't kill you." Then he turns to the husband and says, "And what's your name?"
"Frank, but everybody in town calls me Linda."
iPhones map app has major problems
iPhone map app has a major problem. The voice directed me to "turn left then bear right" .... but it was really just a cat sitting there.