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Left Turn Jokes

123 left turn jokes and hilarious left turn puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about left turn that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Left Turn Short Jokes

Short left turn jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The left turn humour may include short wrong turn jokes also.

  1. If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals.. Left and right
  2. I was in a Uber today and the driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss.
    Nobody tells me what to do…"
    Then I said "turn left"
  3. Two blondes are going to Disney Land At the turn off, they see a sign saying "Disneyland left"
    They went home crying.
  4. I asked Siri " surely it isn't going to rain tomorrow" and he replied " yes it is, and don't call me Shirley"...turns out I left airplane mode on
  5. A blonde was driving on the way to disneyland. She came to an intersection and stopped, she saw a sign that read, 'Disneyland Left'. So she pulled a U-turn, cried and drove home.
  6. A blond is driving to DisneyLand... She sees a sign saying "DisneyLand left" so she turns around and drives home.
  7. Riding with Uber earlier.. The driver said,
    "I love my job, I am my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."
    Then I said, "Turn Left.
  8. Tips to reduce weight…
    First turn your head to the right and then to the left.
    Repeat this exercise whenever your offered something to eat!
  9. I had a few drinks last night so I left my car and took a bus instead Turns out I can't drive a bus very well when I'm drunk either
  10. Asked my iPhone, Surely I don't need an umbrella today? . Siri replied Yes, and don't call me Shirley . Turns out I left Airplane mode on.

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Left Turn One Liners

Which left turn one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with left turn? I can suggest the ones about turning and left leaning.

  1. I tried teaching my dog how to dance, but it turns out... ...he's got 2 left feet.
  2. My fiance left me at the altar... Turns out she wasn't as into human sacrifice as I was.
  3. Why does Ben Shapiro hate NASCAR? Because the cars only turn left
  4. What do you call making four left turns while vaping? A Juulers loop.
  5. The changes with NASCAR were bound to happen...... They've been turning left for years.
  6. How many liberals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they turn left.
  7. If you're turning left with your car, which wheel steers less? The spare one! :P
  8. My wife left me because of my obsession with Cher. If I could turn back time
  9. I went to that restaurant that turns people into ducks. They left me with a bill.
  10. How do you tell a dyslectic to take the left turn on the road? Turn toward your side!
  11. Why won't Derek Zoolander vote for Hillary Clinton? Because he can't turn left.
  12. GPS: Take a left turn in 500 feet Feminist: Did you just assume my destination??
  13. My life is a lot like that driver who signals right, but turns left.
  14. How did the girl with no feet turn left? Widdershins.
  15. Why can't a UPS driver not drive in NASCAR? They can't make left hand turns

Left Turn Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about left turn you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean turn signal jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make left turn pranks.

Memory Lane...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.
A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.
Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.
Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.
The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"
"No, I'm not," says the man.
"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"
"I'm tonight's DD."
"Designated Driver?"
"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."

So you're in bed...

So you're in bed with a hot girl to the right side of you and a gay man to the left of you. Who would you turn to face?
be careful with whom you chose

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister...

Are skinny dipping in the forest one day. Joking and talking philosophy and such. Suddenly they hear a large group of locals walking down the path toward them. To their dismay, they realized that they left their clothes hanging on branches on the other side of the path and would have to run past everyone to get them.
The minister gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the oncoming people to get his clothes.
The priest, in turn, gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the people to his clothes.
Finally the rabbi gets out of the water, covers his face and runs as fast as they can to his clothes.
As they dress the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,
"Why did you cover your face and not your g**...?"
"Well I don't know about you guys, but in my congregation they know me by my face."

A Blonde on her way to Disneyland...

...saw a sign that said "Disneyland, Left", so she turned around and went home.

Well, this is awkward...

A priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. They both look left and right and to their surprise see nothing but Mexicans. After this moment of confusion, the Rabbi turns to the priest and says "You know what? I think we're in the wrong joke...."

Three men and a parachute

So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to c**.... There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.
The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.
The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."
The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."
To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."

Why did the Wright brothers turn their aircraft 90 degrees west when their dad walked in the cockpit?

because three Wrights make a left.

A student goes up to his professor after class...

A student goes up to his professor after class and asks him to define a dilemma. The professor says "I'll do you one better and give you a perfect example. You're laying in bed n**... with a gorgeous n**... g**... the right of you, and a n**... gay guy on your left. Who do you turn your back to?"

I found a TV on the sidewalk in front of a house.

The owner had left a note. "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."
I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"

A gnome walks into a bar...

and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."

Rodeo Position

Two old cowboys are sitting around a campfire and drinking. Somewhat drunk and not in the best frame of mind one turns to the other and say's I miss my missus, but when we make love it's always the same . Somewhat taken aback, but curious nonetheless, the other cowboy asks how's that? We always use the old m**... the old cowboy replies. Thinking about this the other cowboy says If you want some excitement you need to try the Rodeo position . The cowboy says What's that?
Well you start off d**..., behind her. Then you lean forward and with your right hand grab her right breast, and with your left hand grab her left breast, with your face beside her head you whisper gently in her ear, Yep feels just like your sister , and then hold on for dear life.

A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi

A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi and says: "RABBI RABBI! you're not going to believe what happened to me! My son turned Christian and left the house!"
The Rabbi says: "Well, you're not going to believe what happened to me! MY son turned Christian and Left the house."
"Well, what are we going to do?!" Asked the man.
"Let's pray to God and ask him for advice" the Rabbi answers.
They both look up and say: "God, God, you're not going to believe what happened to us! Both our sons turned Christian and left the house"
God responds: "well, you're not going to believe what happened to ME!"

Two men wanted to go to a nearby park

They drove about 5 minutes to get there. Once they did, they found a sign which read "Park left".
"Too bad," they said to each other as they turned around to go home.

A First Mate turns to his Captain and says...

"Captain! There is a light ahead and we are receiving a transmission that we should veer to the left."
The Captain grabbed the radio and said, "This is a fully armed battleship. Veer right or be destroyed."
The voice on the radio responded, "This is a lighthouse. Your move."

I knew this guy who was so dumb...

he saw a road sign that said, "Disney Land Left", so he turned around and went home.

I left my house for a five-mile-run this morning. But when I got a block away, I had to turn around and go back because I forgot something.

I forgot I can't run five miles.

If I have 10 guns and a Federal Law forces me to turn in 8 of them, how many will I have left?

Thats right... 10.

An Irishman is driving to the airport

While driving, he sees a sign that says "Airport left".
So he turns around and goes home

Matthew McMonaughey's Lincoln doesn't make left turns...

It just goes all right, all right, all right.

Two hunters were driving down a narrow two lane road in an off-road jeep, and saw a sign that said 'Bear Left'...

They turned around and went home.

Two Polish guys are hunting for bears in the woods.

They come across a fork in the road with a sign that says "BEAR LEFT" They both turn around and go home.

a husband is about to die...

he goes out with his friends to give them the bad news. he tells them he has an announcement to make
-" i wanted to thank you guys for being there for me, i want to inform you that i have AIDS and i will die in a week. "
everyone was devastated cried and left with their heart a little broken.
when the man arrived home, he told his wife everything. after finishing she screamed:
-"AIDS! why did you tell them you have AIDS? you have cancer, not aids!"
the man turns to his wife and says.
-"im going to die, but im going to make sure no one goes to bed with you too".

"Hey Dave!"

A guy is sitting in the left field bleachers of a baseball stadium, watching the game. In the first inning, someone pretty far behind him yells, "HEY DAVE!" The guy turns around and can't find who was yelling it.
This happens again in the fourth inning, and once more in the seventh. Frustrated at this point, the guy turns around and yells, "MY NAME'S NOT DAVE!!!"

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring...

When she was in a good mood, it turned blue.
When she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead...

How to lose weight easy

Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.

Two bats...

were in a cave thirsty for blood. One bat looks to the other and says, "I'm going to look for blood, stay here I'll be back".
He flies out of the cave and returns after a long time with blood dripping out of his mouth.

Excited, the other bat asks him "Where did you find so much blood??".
The other bat says, "you go out of this cave and turn left".
"Yes", replied the other bat, excitedly.
"Then you see a tree"
"Yeah"
"Well, I didn't".

when her husband came home

I was having s**... with this beautiful woman at her place when her husband unexpectedly arrived home early. She turned to me and said " quick use the the back door ". In retrospect i should of just left but you don't get an offer like that everyday...

I just watched a film where a man's wife is brutally murdered and his son is left physically disabled...

...Then in a twisted turn of events, his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
Finding Nemo is a real thriller!

The wife left a note by the TV today saying "Its not working, I'm leaving"

I plugged it in, turned it on, nothing wrong with it s**... cow!

Three blondes were driving to Disneyland...

Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. When they were close to the destination they saw a sign: Disneyland Left . They stopped, started to cry and finally turned around and drove back home.

I was in a cab once

And the driver starts by saying "I love my job, I own my business, work my own hours, and no one tells me what to do..." Then I said, "Turn left".

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.
Pasteurization.

My girlfriend of two years just left me.

Turns out the police didn't exactly approve of our relationship.

So, there was this rich dude...

One day, as he is driving his fancy car down the road, he is singing to himself I love my BMW, I love BMW. He was so wrapped up in his song he missed a turn and hit a tree. Surprisingly he survived, but instead of calling for help he was crying out my BMW, oh my BMW. Just then a good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!" The rich dude, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of r**... and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the r**... before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

Hurricane Irma

Right now Irma is signaling for a left turn.
But it's Florida so, you know, you can't really be sure whats going to happen.

Turned you on

Yesterday I saw a sign above a stove and it was written
"Please turn me off! How would you feel if somebody turned you on and then left?"

I was in a taxi yesterday and the cab driver was telling me how he loves his job because he is his own boss and no one can tell him what to do

Just as he finished speaking I told him to turn left

I left my wife last night. It turns out I like my women like I like my coffee....

Without a bunch of other dude's d**... inside of it.

2 blondes were driving to Disneyland...

They see the sign, "Disneyland left." So they turned around and went home.

Matthew McConaughey just bought NASCAR

And he's making racers drive the opposite direction. Now instead of making left turns, they're going all right, all right, all right

Why did h**... fail his drivers ed?

He used his turn signals on the two left turns but failed at the 3rd r**...

Do you know the definition of Dilemma?

Lying in a bed n**... between two people, on your left is a gay guy and on the right is a super model, which one do you turn your back to?

My wife left me a note on the fridge saying this isn't working

I opened it up and the light turned on and the beer was cold. No idea what she's talking about.

I turned on the radio and forgot I had the volume maxed out.

Now my left and right ear hertz a lot.

Two blondes decided

To drive to Disneyland. Those both jumped into the car and started driving. After 13 hours of straight nonstop driving, they see a sign which reads, *** Disneyland - Left ***.
So they turn around and go back home.

I took a cab the other day,and the driver told me, I love my job; I own this car; I have got my own business; I am my own boss; NO ONE tells me what to do.

I said, Turn left here mate.

A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.

While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. "
The blonde look around and says
" Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes..."

Movies

Friend 1: I just watched a film in which a man's wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and has to chase thr kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
Friend 2 : Uhhh....what was it called?
Friend 1: Finding Nemo

Black eyes

A guy arrives at work with two black eyes. His colleagues quite naturally asked what happened. He explained, I was in an elevator with a gal in front of me that had her skirt rucked up in her crack. So I pulled it out and patted her skirt smooth for her. She then turned around and socked me in my right eye. So then they asked, how'd your left eye get black? Well I could tell that she didn't like what I did so I reach out and tucked it back in!

The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless.

Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.

Women are allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia now, however they can only turn left ...

Because you know... There are no women's rights there...

I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so s**... because I left them on top of my car

Turns out I lost them on my own accord

A man walks into my bar with 2 black eyes

So I ask what happened? He says "well I was in church and when we all stood to sing the hymn, the lady in front of me had her dress stuck up in the crack of her a**.... So I decided to reach up and pull it out for her. She turned around and punched me in my right eye." So I asked "what happened to you left eye?" "Well thought, maybe she wanted it there. So l shoved it back in."

Thief breaks into a house

A thief broke into someone's house at night. Out of nowhere he hears "Jesus is watching you". He turns to the left, nothing, then to the right, still nothing. He hears it again "Jesus is watching you". He looks up and sees a parrot.
Thief: "What's your name?"
Parrot: "Moses"
Thief: "What idiot names their parrot Moses?"
Parrot: "The same idiot that names his rottweiler Jesus"

[Late]If there's a blue house on the left and the red house is on the right where's the white house?

Idk they turned the lights off

So NASCAR has decided to ban confederate flags at all events...

Looks like all those years of turning left rubbed off on them.

How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.

It's strange to see all these NASCAR fans upset with NASCAR for taking a progressive stance.

Normally they seem to like seeing things turning to the left.

My buddy's wife left him after he lost his feet in a car accident.

Turned out she was lack toes intolerant.

I wonder where my girlfriend is...

It has been about a month since I have last seen my girlfriend, I am really worried, she left me a note on the xbox one which said "This isn't working." but I turned it on and it worked just fine.

A drunk driver is being interrogated

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that o**... to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the o**...
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."
But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."
The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*YOU\* turn to the left to avoid a collision!"
The light flashes back "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

A robber enters an old couple's home in the middle of the night...

As he is grabbing things, the couple wake up and confront him. The robber has a gun and says he would have left quietly but now he is gonna have to kill them.
"But before I do that," says the robber, "I want to know your names. What's your name, woman?"
"Linda," the wife replies meekly.
"Well, that's my mother's name. I can't kill you." Then he turns to the husband and says, "And what's your name?"
"Frank, but everybody in town calls me Linda."

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

iPhones map app has major problems

iPhone map app has a major problem. The voice directed me to "turn left then bear right" .... but it was really just a cat sitting there.

Pasta joke trilogy

My girlfriend refused to believe a spaghetti bike could work. You should've seen her face when I rode pasta.
Things took a turn for the worse when I was fired from my job at the pasta factory. Fusilli mistakes.
To top it all off, my girlfriend said she couldn't stand me touching pasta all the time, so she left.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.

Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he's the one with the most money. Now there's only one left; McConaughey. DiCaprio turns to him and says,
Well what does that leave you with?
Matthew thinks about this for a while, until he finally turns to the two of them.
I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.