Left Jokes

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?

LEFT WING DESTROYED

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships. I'm left wondering...

Is it my wife or my girlfriend that's cheating?

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

My wife left me for an Indian guy

It's okay, I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows

Saw a cute girl at work today.

I told her I get off in five minutes and she smiled. Then I said I finish work in one hour and she left.

My grandfather's favorite joke.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where ya left it.

[My grandfather suffers from dementia and for some odd reason he remembers this joke and continues to tell it.]

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.

I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

A girl takes a black guy home.

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.

They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"

To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground

Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot

Apparently Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary Clinton this election

She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth

I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early.

She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick.

In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school?

Mumbai!

Had a house party last night

...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.

See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.

*

I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.

She was lack-toes intolerant.

I went to an Oasis gig with my sister in 1995.

When they came out onto the stage I shouted, "Go Oasis!"

Then my sister left.

How do you tell if OP has left the hotel?

Username checks out

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...

What's the difference between America and cheese?

If left for a while, cheese develops culture.

My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure...

Oh wait, she's back. She just went to the bathroom.

The wife caught me cross-dressing

So I packed her things and left

My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye."

I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs

I called the Suicide hotline today

They left me hanging

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

Trump has two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'.

In the left side, there's nothing right.
In the right side, there's nothing left.

I was in a Uber today and the driver said,

"I love my job, I'm my own boss.
Nobody tells me what to do…"

Then I said "turn left"

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

Why didn't the Japanese guy get a high five?

Because Logan Paul left him hanging.

Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the right sock, no matter where it is located in the universe.

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

Never try to hi-five Logan Paul

You won't be the first person he's left hanging.

My wife left me because I'm insecure and paranoid.

Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?

The Trump card.

I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. But that didn't faze me. As I left, I told 'em...

"I'll be returning"

If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals..

Left and right

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

Who was that?

I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta.

Now I have a Ford Focus.

My wife is furious at me because I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right left away.

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.

Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."

I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

A drunk driver is being interrogated

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..

Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.

Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?

Detective : well, I would have turned for the one guy

Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.

My 3 year old daughter asked

My 3 year old daughter asked: Where does poo come from?

I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: You just had breakfast?

Yes , she replied.

Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what's left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo.

She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: And Tigger?

After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

I couldn't find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...

So I was having sex with this woman...

I had her bent over her kitchen table, giving it to her good. When all of a sudden we heard a car door slam out front.

Oh god, she said, it's my husband. Quick, use the back door!

Well, I probably should have left at that point, but it's not an offer you get everyday...

My husband has left me because I'm insecure

Oh no he's back, he just went to get coffee :)

Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.

In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.

Good! said God. Sit at my right side. Then God asked, Doberman, what do you believe in?

The Doberman answered, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.

Aha, said God, you may sit on my left.

Then God looked at the cat and asked, And what do you believe in?

I believe, replied the cat, that you are sitting in my seat.

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

My girlfriend left me because of my unhealthy obsession with USSR memorabilia...

She said there were too many red flags!

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.

She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

Two men are playing golf when one realizes he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, Surely, it's not going to rain today?

And she replied, Yes it is, and don't call me Shirley.

That was when I realized I'd left my phone on Airplane mode.

I don't usually brag about going to expensive places

But I just left the gas station.

Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

A girl I was dating invited me over to her place. When I went into her room, she had a Soviet banner draped on her wall. I left immediately.

It was a big red flag.

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure.

Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Where ever you left it 🤷‍♀️🤭

My wife left me because I couldn't stop doing impressions of pasta

And now I'm cannelloni

My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back. She just went out to bring me a cake.

A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

My wife left me because she said I'm insecure.

No, no. Wait. Here she comes. She just went to the bathroom.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction

But I know I can win her back

My colleagues call me The Computer .

Nothing to do with my intelligence. I just go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests.

My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging

My Boss calls me 'the computer'

Nothing to do with my intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:

"Doctor, where is the heart?"

To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left nipple"

The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.

A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper

"Elderly woman wants to commit suicide, shoots herself in the knee"

my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa

kenya believe it?

and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them

I'm in an age gap relationship.

I'm 40, she's 19.

Anyway, we went out for a meal, as soon as we walked in the restaurant people shot me dirty looks, then the whispering started "nonce", "pervert" "paedo.

My girlfriend got upset and we left.

Completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.

In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may sit on my left" said God.
Then God looked at the cat and said" and what do you believe in"?
The cat replied " I believe you are sitting in my seat".

My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.

He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.

He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

A man takes a stool at the bar and orders a drink. Then he asks the man to the right of him…

How tall is a Penguin, this tall?

No, they're much shorter than that , he answers.

He looks to the man at his left- How tall is a penguin, this tall?

Nowhere near that tall! , says the other man.

The man puts his head in his hands.

The bartender, witnessing all of this asks the man Everything okay, Sir?

The man responds No, I just ran over a Nun .

My blind wife left me

At least she isn't seeing anyone else

A man went to his doctor

Doctor: I have good and bad news for you. Which one would you like to hear first?

Man: I'd like to hear the good news first.

Doctor: alright, you still have a week left to live.

Man: how about the bad news?

Doctor: I forgot to tell you last week.

What does the cake say at the government printing office retirement party?

This cake intentionally left blank

My wife left me because she said I was obsessed with astronomy

What planet is she on?

Left a review for my pest control company:

Con's: The pesticide they used made me go blind

Pro's: Haven't seen a bug all year

A man goes before Saint Peter...

Saint Peter asks 'Where were you born?'
The man thinks for a moment and says 'Austria-Hungary, Lemberg.'
'Where did you go to school?'
'Poland, Lwow.'
'Where were you married?'
'The Ukrainian S.S.R., Lviv.'
Surprised, Saint Peter asks 'Where was your first child born?'
'In the German Reich.'
'And where did you die?'
'At home in Lvov, in the Soviet Union.'
Astonished, Saint Peter shouts 'My, you moved around a lot!'
'What are you talking about? I never left the city!'

Did you know that Davy Crockett had three ears?

He had a left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.

Obit

This printed in a Texas newspaper :

The oldest cowboy in Texas died this week at the age of 106.

On his birthday he was asked his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.