left Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious left puns

My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

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My wife left me because I'm insecure and paranoid.

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My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

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Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"


I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

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I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...


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Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?

LEFT WING DESTROYED

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My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge

"This is not working I'm going to my mum's house."

So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold.

- What the hell did she mean?

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My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

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How do you tell if OP has left the hotel?

Username checks out

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It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...

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My girlfriend left me because she didn't like that I had a name for my penis

I guess I'll have to take Matters into my own hands

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My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

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The wife caught me cross-dressing

So I packed her things and left

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My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye."

I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.

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I called the Suicide hotline today

They left me hanging

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Why didn't the Japanese guy get a high five?

Because Logan Paul left him hanging.

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My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs

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I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.

She was lack-toes intolerant.

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I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta.

Now I have a Ford Focus.

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Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?

The Trump card.

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I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

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A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

The man: Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy: That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man: That's terrible, but couldn't you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?

The guy: No…they are all at the funeral!

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I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

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I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early.

She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick.

In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

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My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure...

Oh wait, she's back. She just went to the bathroom.

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When my wife left, I was sad and lonely

So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol.
She's going to go fucking nuts when she gets back from work.

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Apparently Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary Clinton this election

She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth

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Two female police dog handlers are walking their dogs

One says to the other, "I left my panties at the police station." The other says, "Let the dog have a whiff of your cunt and he'll go and fetch them."

Fifteen minutes later, the dog returns with her panties, her baton, a broomhandle and two of the inspector's fingers.

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I need you to masturbate.

Employee : Sir, you called me?

Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do?

Boss : Do it again.

Employee : (after a few minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?

Boss : Do it once more.

Employee : I'm really sorry sir, but I don't have any stamina left now. I can't do it anymore.

Boss : Very good, here are my car
keys, drop my daughter home.

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What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school?

Mumbai!

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I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. But that didn't faze me. As I left, I told 'em...

"I'll be returning"

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After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

Who was that?

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Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

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I went to a prostitute and asked her if I could do her Greek style. "Sure" she said

So I fucked her in the ass and left without paying.

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What are the most funny Left jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Left? Well, here are the best Left dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Left pick up lines to share with friends.

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