Left Hand Jokes

109 left hand jokes and hilarious left hand puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about left hand that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Left Hand Short Jokes

Short left hand jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The left hand humour may include short right hand jokes also.

  1. When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left. I don't want to intimidate her with the competition right away
  2. Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.
  3. Did you know that Jim Carrey lost the use of his left hand for a month in 1997? He was all righty then.
  4. Can secretaries really write memos with both their left and right hands at the same time? Or is that just stereotyping.
  5. I got a new pair of gloves today but they're both 'lefts' Which, on the one hand, is great
  6. I went to the prosthetic limb store to buy some new hands "Two of each hand please." I say to the man at the counter.
    "We're all out of left hands sir." He responds.
    "All right then."
  7. My girlfriend broke up with me so I started dating her twin sister I'm not left handed but i'll have to make do until the doctor removes the cast
  8. How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Just have the keybord player do it with their left hand.
  9. Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident… but I'm now recovering, I'm all right now.
  10. If you have a green ball in your right hand, and a green ball in your left Then you have kermit the Frog's undivided attention

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Left Hand One Liners

Which left hand one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with left hand? I can suggest the ones about right handed and lefty.

  1. Don't date a left handed girl... righty tighty
    lefty loosey
  2. Being left handed is unacceptable... It's just not right .
  3. I never date left handed women Righty Tighty
    Lefty Loosey
  4. Why is programming in Django hard? You can only use two fingers on your left hand.
  5. My friend stirs soup with his left hand. But I stir soup with a spoon.
  6. Why are North Koreans always left handed? Because they have no rights.
  7. Never argue with left handed people. They're not right.
  8. The Infinity Gauntlet was for the left hand Even Thanos had priorities.
  9. I can eat sugar with my right OR my left hand. I'm ambi-dextrose.
  10. There's nothing wrong with being left-handed But, there's nothing right about it either.
  11. Did you hear about the man whose left hand and foot got amputated? He's alright.
  12. Never date a left-handed woman. You know what they say... Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
  13. What do Jesus and my left hand have in common? They both have three hangnails.
  14. I feel like cheating on my partner today. My left hand is looking real fine.
  15. What's ironic about having a left handed pen It's for righting.

Left Hand Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about left hand you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean left field jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make left hand pranks.

A groaner just for you...

Q. What do you have if you are holding a mothball in your right hand and a mothball in your left hand?
A. A **VERY** large moth...

My 5yo son just told me this joke and it made me chuckle so thought I'd share... "Mom, if I had twenty apples in this hand (shakes left hand) and twenty apples in this hand (shakes right hand), what would I have?..."

"Massive hands!"

In school, the teacher warns her students...

..."I will not tolerate any excuses for any kind. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious injury or even the death of a relative, but whoever misses this exam will fail the class."
The class's wise-guy says:
"But teacher, what if tomorrow I arrive to class completely exhausted from last night's amazing s**...?"
The teacher says:
"Well I guess you'll have to do the exam with your left hand, then."

Husband has 6 months to live

Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"
She says she supposes so, eventually.
"Will he sleep in our bed"?
She says of course he will.
"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"
"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a s**... test.

The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his s**... with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says:
"I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as well, same with my granddaughter. Even the neighbour and her daughter couldn't get it done! Doctor, could you open this bottle for me?"

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a s**... count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to m**... regularly.

The other 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand.

Husband says to his wife.

Husband: If I died would you date another man.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him move in to our house.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him use my Golf Clubs.?
Wife: Definitely not.
Husband: Is that because they are personal to me.?
Wife: No it's because he is left handed...

A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.

Lawyer: "Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?"
Woman: "if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I'm not cooking for him for three days straight."
Lawyer: "Well is he beating you?"
Woman: "Him? I'd throw him through the window, with my left hand only"
Lawyer: "How about being faithful?"
Women: "That's where we get him! The second child is not from him."

Marriage jok

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

If you've got one mothball in your right hand and one mothball in your left hand what have you got?

A big f**...' moth.

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

A mime in my town was arrested by the police after he broke his left hand in a bar fight.

He still….has the right to remain silent.

Was driving through downtown Pigeon Forge and dropped this one…

So Pigeon Forge, Tennessee (US), is a HUGE tourist trap. We're talking zip lines, roller coasters, Ripley's Believe it or Not museum, Ferris wheels, life sized King Kong, etc.
Anywhoo, I was driving the family through this insanity when my wife pointed out a building to the kids and said look at that one with all the giraffes on top! I wonder what that is! Without missing a beat I said, Welcome, to Giraffic Park! And hummed the theme song while navigating through a left hand turn. I was proud and laughed out loud at my own joke. My 7 year old loved it.

I ordered a ham and cheese at Subway

The sandwich artist began making my selection, using his right hand to place the slices of ham.
Suddenly, he pulled his hand away and cried out in pain.
Ouch! Hand cramp!
Before I could ask if he was ok, he finished stacking the slices of ham with his left hand.
Lucky for you I'm hambidexterous he said.

In my world, a t**... is when I use both my right AND my left hand.

Problem is: together they gave me the clap.

Scientists have discoverded that left handed people...

...have more advantages in day to day life than no handed people.

An Irishman walks into a bar, carrying a penguin under his right arm....

A crocodile on a leash in his left hand, and a parrot on his shoulder. He walks up to the bartender and says "I'll have three pints of Guinness please".
The bartender looks at the Irishman.
Looks at the penguin.
Looks at the crocodile.
Looks at the parrot.
Looks back to the Irishman and says,
"What's all this supposed to be then? Some kind of joke?"

A joke Alexa told me during my morning routine

Happy international Left Handers day
On the other hand if you don't want to celebrate that's all right

Once a man met the great chessmaster Gary Kasparov on a plane seat beside him

The grandmaster says "would u like to play a game of chess for a $100 per game?" The man replies "I know who you are mate I would never be able to beat you". Gary thinks a bit and says "I will play with my left hand" the man accepts.
Afterwards when he recites his story to his wife he says "I lost 1800 dollars to that man he is such a great player even with his left hand".
The wife says, "YOU FOOL!!"
"He was a lefty and u didn't realise it"

How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb

None, because the keyboard player can do it with his left hand

What do you get when you hold a mothball in your left hand and a mothball in your right hand?

A rather excited moth

Rodeo Position

Two old cowboys are sitting around a campfire and drinking. Somewhat drunk and not in the best frame of mind one turns to the other and say's I miss my missus, but when we make love it's always the same . Somewhat taken aback, but curious nonetheless, the other cowboy asks how's that? We always use the old m**... the old cowboy replies. Thinking about this the other cowboy says If you want some excitement you need to try the Rodeo position . The cowboy says What's that?
Well you start off d**..., behind her. Then you lean forward and with your right hand grab her right breast, and with your left hand grab her left breast, with your face beside her head you whisper gently in her ear, Yep feels just like your sister , and then hold on for dear life.

If I die first, will you remarry, asks the wife.

I'm in good health so why not, says the husband.
Will she live in this house
Its all paid for so yes.
Will she drive my car.
Its new so yes.
Will she use my golf clubs.
No, she's left handed.

What do you have....

...when you have one green ball in your right hand, and one green ball in your left hand.
Answer: Complete control of the Jolly Green Giant.

My doctor says I'm not eating a balanced diet...that's absurd.

I eat as many cookies with my left hand as I do with my right!

Husband chatting to wife.

Husband says to his wife.
Husband: If I died would you date another man?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him move in to our house?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him use my Golf Clubs?
Wife: Definitely not.
Husband: Is that because they are personal to me?
Wife: No it's because he is left handed...

The Tea Survey

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits.
'I always stir my tea with my left hand,' said The Englishman.
'I always stir my tea with my right hand,' said The Scotsman.
How about you?' the Irishman was asked.
'Oh me?' said the Irishman, 'I always use a spoon.'

A man was making a robot out of whatever he could find

The head was an old toaster, the torso a series of welded wrenches and bolts, the arms and legs bits of rebar. It wasn't pretty, so he gave it an ugly name: Brek.
The thing worked fine, but it wasn't terribly balanced. The left hand was heavier than the other, so it always leaned to the left. While looking for something to balance it, he had Brek hold his cup of milk. As luck would have it, that was exactly what he needed - the robot was perfectly balanced.
Because milk is part of a balanced Brek fist.

Being left handed I was always told I was more creative but all I noticed was that I smudge the words when writing with pencil.

I guess it's a blessing and a cursive

I searched Google for "How to cheat on my girlfriend."

The first result was "I hope you used the left hand to type that."

Wife asks husband, if she dies will he remarry?

I don't know... yeah I probably would i guess.
What about the house? would you sell it?
No he says, I like our house.
What about our bed, would you buy a new one?
No I like our bed and would keep it.
Ok, the wife now asks, what about my golf clubs?
Would you let your new wife use them?
No way he says, she's left handed.

After a failed surgery...

Mother: doctor, how is my son?
Doctor: well...
Father: please doctor, tell us he is all right.
Doctor: Well, his left hand is, he is gonna be all right.

If I have a cricket ball in my left hand and a cricket ball in my right hand

I then have the undivided attention of a very large cricket.

Did you know?

People who are left handed on average score higher on tests than ones who suffer from infant mortality.

A serial killer leaves his mark on his victims by cutting off their left hand and right leg.

Authorities say something sinister is afoot.

TIL that Matthew McConaughey's left hand is never seen in any of his movies.

...because he's "all right, all right, all right."

Old People And Nastiness

A very old couple wanted to have children, so they went to their doctor and told him their problem. The doctor gave the couple a tiny jar and told them to fill it up. About a week later, the couple came back.
"I tried with my right hand until it gave out, and I tried with my left hand until it gave out," said the man.
"And I tried with both hands until they gave out," said the woman. "And we still can't get the lid off the jar."

I never can think of a title

A man was in a terrible car c**... and he was alright. How is this?
He lost his left hand

A left handed man was arrested the other day...

They say his smear campaign ruined a number of decent characters.

Why do left handed people always write incorrectly?

Their right hand has nothing left and their left hand has nothing right.

Left handed people in the past.

Why did people back in the day not accept left handed people?
Because it wasn't right.
I'm sorry bye.

Left handed people can't do anything right.

That... that's it. That's the joke. You don't get it? Then you're probably left handed.

Why are left handed girls more fun?

Righty tighty lefty loosey

Two Blondes were working down the road from a mans house.

One blonde (who was n**...) would take a shovel and dig a hole about 3-4 feet deep.
The second blonde (who didn't like cats) would then take the shovel and then put the dirt back in the hole.
They did this for about 4 hours on 6 different spots.
The man (who was left handed) was quite curious and went to the blondes and asked them what they were doing.
"There's usually another blonde who plants the tree but shes sick today"

Why are there more right handed people than left handed people?

God was probably just feeling all right that day

My wife trained me from m**... while she was trying to be romantic and holding my right hand....

She never saw my left hand coming

I dont really trust left handed people

they are sinister

I went to the doctor today

There i was, left hand on my left shoulder, finger up my but, when all of the sudden i had a right hand on my right shoulder as well...
Worst dentist ever...

I've always wanted to get the word LAZY tattooed on my left hand

Ive just never gotten around to doing it.

My buddy called me his right hand man...

He's left handed

If Timmy has 5 apples in his left hand and 6 in his Right, what would Timmy have?

Massive Hands

What's a tacky store for left handed merchandise in quebec or Paris called?

How Gauche.

In an attempt to become ambidextrous, I've been writing everything with my left hand.

After two weeks, it still doesn't feel right.

My doctor was a prejudice against left handed people. Today he correctly diagnosed me with a disease because I was left handed.

I guess he was right.

h**... time.

Hold your right ear with your lett hand and your nose with your right hand, then hold your left ear with your right hand and your nose with your left hand, and repeat and repeat.

I opened a left handed store that didn't end up working out

Everyone kept telling me it just wasn't right.

If you could have s**... with one person you've had s**... before..

would it be with your right or left hand?

If I write with the wrong hand that I've lost a limb to Lefty Loathin' Larry...

Then the right hand is my left hand, and my right hand is what's left!

Tom Brady and Chad Johnson were out downtown late at night.

Chad told Tom to go buy some gum for them, then gave Tom a quarter. After around 10 minutes Chad notices Tom hasn't come back yet, so he goes to look for him. After 5 minutes of looking Chad sees Tom being drug across the street, and in the mans left hand he holds the quarter that Chad gave Tom. Chad yells loudly, "HEY MAN GIMME MY QUARTER BACK!"

He got his name, how exactly?

In the movie Rocky , it's explained by our hero, the reason why you would call a left handed fighter, a southpaw - reason being that this one left handed fighter from the south, would point his left paw to the south, reminding the audience that he was a southern boy.
That's all good and fine, I just hope mr. Eastwood didn't get his name in a similar way...

I hear you never date left handed woman..

Him: Nope..
Her: why though?
Him: Righty tighty , lefty loosey

I know the area where I live like the back of my hand!

The back of my left hand, specifically. I live in Michigan.