Lecture Jokes
106 lecture jokes and hilarious lecture puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lecture that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a way to open your lecture in an unique and humorous way? This article provides several joke examples to grab the attention of your audience. Learn how to harness extremes, psychology and the professor's own life in creating a memorable opening. Find out this unconventional method here!
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Funniest Lecture Short Jokes
Short lecture jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lecture humour may include short conference jokes also.
- At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang? The professor replied, Sorry. No Time.
- When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.
- My 5 year old son found videos meant for adults only... ...but he obviously couldn't understand the advanced calculus lectures from my university, so he stopped watching.
- In a huge lecture hall once I only had four international students turn up - English, French, Spanish and German. I asked if they could all see me. They said... Yes, Oui, Si, Ja
- Professor opened with this in first year engineering lecture: What do engineers use for birth control? Their personalities
- Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University. It's about time.
- I don't understand why people pay so much to go to college when they can get a wife and get free lectures day and night
- I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, I'll never be there on time.
- My Lecturer asked me why i was failing my class "Is it ignorance or apathy?", he said.
Honestly, I don't know and I don't care. - What do you call a scientific talk about the psychological impact of cannibalism? A Hannibal Lecture.
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Lecture One Liners
Which lecture one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lecture? I can suggest the ones about presentation and lesson.
- I was just at a lecture about how to fasten metal together. Riveting stuff.
- Why is the algorithms lecturer so fat? Because he always minimises the running time.
- I took a class on 'The Silence of the Lambs' It was a Hannibal lecture.
- What did the vegan give the homeless guy? A lecture.
- Gotta go to a lecture on drilling techniques. Talk about boring.
- My wife has a contract to give lectures... It's called a marriage license
- In today's Criminology class we will learn about cannibalism. It's my Hannibal Lecture.
- Kermit the Frog decided to become a college professor. His lectures are ribbiting.
- Why was the math lecture so long? The professor kept going off on a tangent.
- Imagine if Hannibal was a university professor I'd love to go to a Hannibal Lecture!
- I've been in chemistry lectures all day... I'm absolutely Bohred to death!
- My music teacher gave a lecture about gun control the other day It was a glock and spiel
- Chuck Norris does not listen to lectures.
Lectures listen to Chuck Norris. - I don't often tell Mom jokes. But if I do, she ends up giving me a lecture about it.
- Lecturer: "have any of you heard of pavlov's dogs?" Student: "... It rings a bell."
Laughter Lecture Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about lecture you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean thesis jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lecture pranks.
The Perfect Question
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the
equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on
Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the
lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war?
And, will Russia take part in it?"
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"
The general replied, "All indications point to China ."
Everyone in the audience was shocked.
A third officer remarked,
"General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5
billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"
The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In
modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters,
but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the
Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews
fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."
After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the
auditorium asked,
"Do we have enough Jews?"
A cow joke
Our professor started our lecture on ketosis of dairy cows by telling us about an exciting new research project at our veterinary school's dairy facility. They are working with NASA to launch some cows into outer space to orbit the earth. The title of the project is The herd shot round the world.
Cynical Meanings
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Naughty Professor
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
First time
A boy gets a call from his girlfriend. She tells him her parents are going out for the night so they will have the house to them selves. She then tells him she thinks ready to do it for the first time and that he should get some condoms. The boy is elated and runs over to the pharmacy to get the condoms. It's his first time so he has no idea which sort he has to get. The pharmacist notices the boys inexperience and proceeds to lecture him on the art of putting on condoms, of making love and advices him to buy a pack of twenty condoms. The boy thanks the man for the advice, buys the condoms and leaves. That evening he arrives at his girlfriends house just as her parents are leaving. The girlfriens introduces him to her parents and takes him inside where the boy immediately starts to pray. After ten minutes of fervently beseeching the lord the gril stops him. "I never knew you were so religious." The boy looks at her with fear in his eyes, "I never knew your dad whas a pharmacist."
You fall asleep in lecture
and when you wake up you cannot remember what class you are in. A demonstration is happening at the front of the class. How do you figure out where you are?
If the demo moves its biology, if it stinks its chemistry, and if it doesn't work its physics.
So a Lecturer tells a joke in the class. . .
. . .and then one of the students raises his hand and says "but sir you told that joke last year" the lecturer replies "if you can repeat things then so can I"
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy
who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Johnny steals a pencil
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher saying that he stole a pencil from his classmate. His father is furious.
"Johnny, you never never never never steal a pencil from a classmate. This is unacceptable. I can't believe you did this. You're grounded for two weeks. And besides, you know that if you ever need a pencil, you can just say something. You can just mention it and I'll bring you dozens of pencils from the office."
-From a lecture by economist Dan Ariely
A professor of a class...
...is giving a lecture to a very diverse group of students: an African student, a Haitian student, a Chinese student, and an American student. He says to the class, "Today we are going to have an open discussion about the relief of world hunger in other countries."
The African student says, "Hunger? What's that?"
The Haitian student says, "Relief? What's that?"
The Chinese student says "Open discussion? What's that?"
The American student says "There are other countries?"
The Priest Who Lost His Bike
A Rabbi and a Priest are very close friends. Every weekend they would go out together and ride their bikes. One Day the Rabbi was waiting for the Priest, but when the Priest showed up, he didn't have his bike! "What happened?" asked the Rabbi "Where's your bike?" "I don't know." the Priest replied, "Someone must have stolen it!" "That's unacceptable!" the Rabbi screamed, you must find out who did this!" "But how?" asked the Priest. "I have an idea! You should give all of your people a long lecture about the ten commandments and when you get to the 8th one (Thou shall not steal) scream at the people until on of them gives in to stealing your bike." "Good idea!" the Priest replied. Next week the Priest show up with his bike! "You found your bike!" the Rabbi said happily, what happened?" "Your idea worked perfectly!" the Priest said, "I was screaming at the people about the ten commandments, and right before the 8th one, was the 7th (Thou shall not commit adultery) and then I remembered where I left my bike!
A toast to Dad jokes...
Two women knocked at my door and asked what bread I ate.
I said white and they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke.
After a real objectionable example of that one day, the female students got together and decided that next time, when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison.
The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Have you heard about the shortage of prostitutes in India?"
Now all the female students stood up and headed toward the exit.
The professor continued: "Oh, ladies, please wait, the boat to India doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
Two students are deciding whether to go to their lecture or the pool on a wonderful summer day...
The first says "How should we decide?"
The second says "How about a coin toss?"
"Sure, you can call it."
"Okay, if we toss the coin and it stays in the air, we'll go to the lecture."
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
I came up with this during lecture after a dyslexic moment, thought someone may like it.
I was laughed out of academia
During my English lecture I presented a strange contraction followed by a misplaced period.
What did Hannibal Lecter say to the philosophy professor after the lecture?
I can smell your Kant.
So Einstein was tired of giving the same lectures over and over...
One day, his chauffeur gave him an offer, "Dr. Einstein, I have driven you and listened to your lectures so many times I memorized each and every single word. Since you're so tired of giving lectures, why don't we switch places? I'll give the lectures, and you can be my chauffeur."
Einstein thought why not?
Everything was going well until during one lecture, a mathematician asked 'Einstein' a rather difficult question. With some quick thinking, 'Einstein' said..
"That question is so elementary, even my chauffeur can answer it!"
A rookie police officer notices an older man driving through the middle of a small town at 2 am….
and it had been a pretty slow night and so he decided to pull in over to see if he needed any assistance.
"Where are you going sir?," asked the young officer.
"I am on my way to attend a lecture concerning the negative effects of alcohol on interpersonal relationships," said the man.
"Who would hold such a lecture at this time of night?" asked the officer.
"That would be my wife," said the man.
Why did all the students from Alabama skip the archaeology lecture?
They were already experts in relative dating.
You're not supposed to understand, it's.. (science joke)
A student is in biology lecture when the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's chemistry."
So the student later takes a chemistry lecture and the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's quantum mechanics."
So the student later takes a quantum mechanics course and the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's quantum mechanics."
A university professor stood up in front of his class of 300 and proclaimed that the number of people in the class was a vector
After he had finished his sentence there were only 100 people left.
(I got bored in a lecture ^...I'm^so^sorry )
Walked in lecture hall mid-lecture and the professor yells "CAN I HELP YOU?!"
"No thanks, I'm just browsing."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The best part about Ray Lewis being on ESPN is..
I can hear a guy with six kids by four different women lecture me about commitment & dedication.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Before I begin today's lecture
I'd like to relay an anecdote from my days as a student. My classmate and I both loved the same girl. In the end, she chose him and I was left with heartbreak. But my classmate was left with heart failure. Which brings me to today's subject: s**... and its complications.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.
So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the plan.
In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a p**... makes £2000 per night."
All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."
My music teacher gave the saxophones a lecture on always keeping their cases with them.
Because unprotected sax is really unsafe.
Anita Sarkeesian and Zoe Quinn walk into the UN..
Then proceed to lecture them on bullying.
What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture...
What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland?
Aurora boring Alice.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last week I gave a lecture on s**... dysfunction
Nobody came.
If I was a sick professor giving a lecture...
Ibuprofen
My wife tried to lecture me about "mansplaining"...
...but, as usual, she had it all wrong.
Albert Einstein Begins a Lecture on General Relativity:
Ok, let's get started, so here is the gravity of the situation...
Why can't you tell a Philosophy Student a good joke?
You need to give a three hour lecture and turn in a research paper on "What is 'good'?" first.
A computer science student...
...was writing a note to his crush before lecture. The student next to him grabbed the note.
The first student tried to grab it back. You can't see that, it's private!
The second student protested, But we're in the same class
God's Gift
Difference between talent and god's gift:
A man can give lecture for 2 hrs on any subject.
-This is talent.
A woman can give lecture for 2 hrs without any subject.
-This is god's gift.
A professor finished giving his lecture on clocks right before class ended
time was on his slide
Everyone lectures Americans about our politics..
We use our military to lecture the rest of the world's on theirs.
A history professor was given a boring lecture about Russian dictators
Finally, an exasperated student exclaimed,"stop, you're putin me to sleep"
Bill O'Reilly is holding a lecture about nuclear physics. When he starts taking about bosons he warns his audience:
"Caution: you're about to enter the no spin zone."
I once attended a lecture on psychedelic drugs
It was about punchline expectations. According to the unicorn, anyway.
Staticd
After statics class today and one of my classmates asked if I was excited about today's lecture. I told him, I wasn't moved by it.
A man comes home drunk late at night.
He hears his cuckoo clock strike four a.m.
Vaguely remembering he promised his wife to be home before midnight, his mind races to come up with a plan: He imitates the clock's call some more times, and his wife will be none the wiser. When he finally goes to bed, his wife doesn't say a word; no lecture, no tirade.
The next morning, his wife says "You'll have to take the clock for repairs, dear."
"Why's that, it worked so nicely when I got home at eleven."
"Yeah, well first the clock called four times, then seven more times, then it gave a burp, hit the wardrobe and got some serious hiccups, that's not normal for a clock."
A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....
When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."
A student busts into a lecture hall right as the professor is finishing his lecture
The student says professor sorry I'm late, do you mind summarising the lecture for me in 2 minutes.
The professor says, No need son, it will all be on the exam
A father gets a phone call from his son's teacher
A father is at work when he gets a call from his son's teacher.
"Hello Mr. Johnson, I was in the middle of a lecture today when your son just got up and left the room without a word. I'm very worried about him, is he alright?"
The father just laughed and said "oh you have nothing to worry about, Billy has been sleepwalking since he was 5 years old!"
A communist mistakenly walked into an economics lecture in a local university
When he realised it was a mistake, he said to himself "whoops, wrong class".
A caveman walks into an auditorium
He sits down in the front row and a janitor walks by. The janitor turns to the caveman and says, "Hey, the anthropology lecture doesn't start for another hour. You're early, man."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A s**... therapist is speaking to a group of married men.
At the start of his lecture he has all the men stand up
He asks, "All the men who have s**... more than once a week please sit down". About half the men sit.
The he says, "OK, now all the men who have s**... more than once a month please sit down". At this point, there is only one man left standing. He has a big smile on his face.
The therapist asks the last man standing, " how often do you have s**...?"
Still grinning, the man says "Once a year"
The therapist is surprised and says, "Once a year???, why are you grinning"
The man replies, "Tonight's the night!"
My computer science professor was fired for giving a lecture in Octal
My school has very strict policies regarding eight-speech.
One day in a Sunday school class, there was a girl happily paying attention during the teacher's lecture
but there was a boy behind her that kept poking her with a stick. During this, the teacher began to call on the girl and ask her questions.
Teacher: Who do we believe in?
*poke
Girl: God!
Teacher: Very good. Who died for our sins?
*poke
Girl: Jesus Christ!
Teacher: Excellent! What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 6th child?
*poke
Girl: If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half.
My local fisherman keeps trying to lecture me about how the litter from single-use plastics flows downstream into spawning grounds.
I see he's up-to-date with current events.
Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar
So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.
'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked the Asian man behind the seafood counter for some chilled prawns...
He gave me a lecture on how disgusting it was for me to be s**... a**... by children and threatened to call the police.
"My patients doesn't last long"
-Said the morally questionable surgeon with poor grammar
(Just thought of this while ignoring a differential equations lecture)
My coding professor did a lecture about recursion.
It got nowhere.
In Electromagnetic theory lecture
Prof Bhatt : What is BxA for a thin straight current carrying conductor?
Me : Wired Flux.
Bhatt : Ok.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was supposed to give a lecture on h**... today, but it was cancelled at the last minute.
Apparently it's a sore subject for a lot of people.
In what class did ISIS lecture about foreign lands?
In Jihadgraphy, of course!
A lecturer had reached one of his most important points
"He who gives in when he is wrong is wise: but the man who gives in when he is right is..."
"Married," someone shouted from the audience.
A Greek philosopher's lecture on knowledge was really confusing and frustrating.
Episteme off.
8-year old Billy comes home from school with a note from his teacher.
It says, "Billy stole a pencil from the student next to him." Billy's father is furious. He goes to great lengths to lecture Billy and let him know how upset and disappointed he is, and he grounds the boy for two weeks.
Finally, he concludes, "Anyway, Billy, if you needed a pencil, why didn't you just say something? You know very well that I can bring you dozens of pencils from work."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son told me this joke when he was two. "Knock knock..."
"Who's there?"
"Boo."
"Boo who?"
"CHICAGO"
He's almost 13 now, so... even if you downvote me straight to h**..., this works out.
Because I can just give him a lecture over why it's all his fault, and then I will be a successful parent today.
So this dude's giving a lecture
about how two negatives can make a positive but two positives can't make a negative, when a voice from the lecture hall shouts:
"Yeah, Yeah!"
Heard this one during a real science lecture two years ago.
"In the event of a tornado, you will want to hide in a safe spot." said the teacher. "A good place to hide would be one with the least number of windows. So where should you hide?"
One of the intellectuals thinks for a moment and then raises his hand. The teacher calls on him.
"You should hide outside!"
P.S: In the event of a tornado, hide in a basement, closet or bathroom. Don't die.
How do students in catholic school get informed that the lecture has ended?
Christian Bale
My wife suggested I should read Pride and Prejudice, but I said no.
I'm too good for it, and I have a feeling it'll try to lecture me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An medical forensics professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.
Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear. Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's a**..., withdrew it, then licked his finger. Now you must do the same, he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
Second, the professor continued, you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's a**..., but licked my index finger?
