JokoJokes

Lecture Jokes

114 lecture jokes and hilarious lecture puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lecture that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a way to open your lecture in an unique and humorous way? This article provides several joke examples to grab the attention of your audience. Learn how to harness extremes, psychology and the professor's own life in creating a memorable opening. Find out this unconventional method here!

Funniest Lecture Short Jokes

Short lecture jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lecture humour may include short conference jokes also.

  1. At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang? The professor replied, Sorry. No Time.
  2. When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.
  3. My 5 year old son found videos meant for adults only... ...but he obviously couldn't understand the advanced calculus lectures from my university, so he stopped watching.
  4. In a huge lecture hall once I only had four international students turn up - English, French, Spanish and German. I asked if they could all see me. They said... Yes, Oui, Si, Ja
  5. Professor opened with this in first year engineering lecture: What do engineers use for birth control? Their personalities
  6. Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University. It's about time.
  7. I don't understand why people pay so much to go to college when they can get a wife and get free lectures day and night
  8. I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, I'll never be there on time.
  9. My Lecturer asked me why i was failing my class "Is it ignorance or apathy?", he said.
    Honestly, I don't know and I don't care.
  10. What do you call a scientific talk about the psychological impact of cannibalism? A Hannibal Lecture.

Share These Lecture Jokes With Friends




Lecture One Liners

Which lecture one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lecture? I can suggest the ones about presentation and lesson.

  1. I was just at a lecture about how to fasten metal together. Riveting stuff.
  2. Why is the algorithms lecturer so fat? Because he always minimises the running time.
  3. I took a class on 'The Silence of the Lambs' It was a Hannibal lecture.
  4. What did the vegan give the homeless guy? A lecture.
  5. Gotta go to a lecture on drilling techniques. Talk about boring.
  6. My wife has a contract to give lectures... It's called a marriage license
  7. What do you call a university class taught by a cannibal? A Hannibal Lecture
  8. In today's Criminology class we will learn about cannibalism. It's my Hannibal Lecture.
  9. Kermit the Frog decided to become a college professor. His lectures are ribbiting.
  10. What do you call a college class taught by a Cannibal? A Hannibal Lecture
  11. Why was the math lecture so long? The professor kept going off on a tangent.
  12. Imagine if Hannibal was a university professor I'd love to go to a Hannibal Lecture!
  13. What do you call a class that teaches how to eat people? A cannibal lecture.
  14. I've been in chemistry lectures all day... I'm absolutely Bohred to death!
  15. My music teacher gave a lecture about gun control the other day It was a glock and spiel

Lecture joke, My music teacher gave a lecture about gun control the other day

Laughter Lecture Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity

What funny jokes about lecture you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean thesis jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lecture pranks.

A cow joke

Our professor started our lecture on ketosis of dairy cows by telling us about an exciting new research project at our veterinary school's dairy facility. They are working with NASA to launch some cows into outer space to orbit the earth. The title of the project is The herd shot round the world.

Drunk lecture

A cop stops a drunk late at night and asks where he's going. " I'm going to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body." Slurs the drunk. " Really? who's giving that lecture at one in the morning?" " My wife."

You fall asleep in lecture

and when you wake up you cannot remember what class you are in. A demonstration is happening at the front of the class. How do you figure out where you are?
If the demo moves its biology, if it stinks its chemistry, and if it doesn't work its physics.

So a Lecturer tells a joke in the class. . .

. . .and then one of the students raises his hand and says "but sir you told that joke last year" the lecturer replies "if you can repeat things then so can I"

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy

who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1 A.M.

The officer asks where he's going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I'm going to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer laughs and says, "Oh really? And who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."

A toast to Dad jokes...

Two women knocked at my door and asked what bread I ate.
I said white and they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m

...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

A linguistics professor is giving a lecture...

She says "Only in few languages, like Russian do two negatives make a positive, but there is not a single language known where two positives make a negative"
A witty student shouts back "yeah right! "

Two students are deciding whether to go to their lecture or the pool on a wonderful summer day...

The first says "How should we decide?"
The second says "How about a coin toss?"
"Sure, you can call it."
"Okay, if we toss the coin and it stays in the air, we'll go to the lecture."

What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?

A hemogoblin.
I came up with this during lecture after a dyslexic moment, thought someone may like it.

What did Hannibal Lecter say to the philosophy professor after the lecture?

I can smell your Kant.

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Why did all the students from Alabama skip the archaeology lecture?

They were already experts in relative dating.

A university professor stood up in front of his class of 300 and proclaimed that the number of people in the class was a vector

After he had finished his sentence there were only 100 people left.
(I got bored in a lecture ^...I'm^so^sorry )

Walked in lecture hall mid-lecture and the professor yells "CAN I HELP YOU?!"

"No thanks, I'm just browsing."

The best part about Ray Lewis being on ESPN is..

I can hear a guy with six kids by four different women lecture me about commitment & dedication.

Before I begin today's lecture

I'd like to relay an anecdote from my days as a student. My classmate and I both loved the same girl. In the end, she chose him and I was left with heartbreak. But my classmate was left with heart failure. Which brings me to today's subject: s**... and its complications.

My music teacher gave the saxophones a lecture on always keeping their cases with them.

Because unprotected sax is really unsafe.

What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture...

What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland?
Aurora boring Alice.

Last week I gave a lecture on s**... dysfunction

Nobody came.

A drunk man

A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol a**... & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"
Man: "My Wife"!!!

My wife tried to lecture me about "mansplaining"...

...but, as usual, she had it all wrong.

Albert Einstein Begins a Lecture on General Relativity:

Ok, let's get started, so here is the gravity of the situation...

Why can't you tell a Philosophy Student a good joke?

You need to give a three hour lecture and turn in a research paper on "What is 'good'?" first.

Guy gets pulled over by a cop at midnight:

"And where are you rushing to sir?"
"Officer, I'm attending a lecture on drinking and driving."
"Is that so? Who is giving a lecture at this time of the night?"
"My wife."

A computer science student...

...was writing a note to his crush before lecture. The student next to him grabbed the note.
The first student tried to grab it back. You can't see that, it's private!
The second student protested, But we're in the same class

God's Gift

Difference between talent and god's gift:
A man can give lecture for 2 hrs on any subject.
-This is talent.
A woman can give lecture for 2 hrs without any subject.
-This is god's gift.

My school does a class on jokes...

But I gave it up after the lecture on setups.
The teacher is SO old...

Everyone lectures Americans about our politics..

We use our military to lecture the rest of the world's on theirs.

A history professor was given a boring lecture about Russian dictators

Finally, an exasperated student exclaimed,"stop, you're putin me to sleep"

A guy is pulled over at 2:00 a.m. for driving 93 MPH....

Cop - hey buddy, where are you rushing at this late hour?
Guy - to a lecture.
Cop - a lecture?!?!? Who gives lectures at 2:00 a.m???
Guy - **my wife!**

I once attended a lecture on psychedelic drugs

It was about punchline expectations. According to the unicorn, anyway.

A man is pulled over at 2am by a state trooper

State trooper: Hey, where you headed at 2 am sir?
Elderly man: I'm just on my way to hear a lecture about the dangers of drinking and staying out late and smoking m**... with friends who are a bad influence.
State Trooper: Really? Who's giving that kind of lecture at 2 in the morning?
Elderly man: That would be my wife, officer.

A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....

When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."

A student busts into a lecture hall right as the professor is finishing his lecture

The student says professor sorry I'm late, do you mind summarising the lecture for me in 2 minutes.
The professor says, No need son, it will all be on the exam

A father gets a phone call from his son's teacher

A father is at work when he gets a call from his son's teacher.
"Hello Mr. Johnson, I was in the middle of a lecture today when your son just got up and left the room without a word. I'm very worried about him, is he alright?"
The father just laughed and said "oh you have nothing to worry about, Billy has been sleepwalking since he was 5 years old!"

A communist mistakenly walked into an economics lecture in a local university

When he realised it was a mistake, he said to himself "whoops, wrong class".

A boy asks a priest about God

A boy goes to his priest and asks him "Is God male or female?" The priest didn't want to lecture him about it so he just said "God is both"
The next day they boy asks him "Is God black or white?" Again the priest replied "God is both"
The next day the boy asked the priest "Is God gay or straight?" Once again the priest replied "God is both"
The next day the boy went to the priest and asked him "Father, is God Michael Jackson?"

It was midnight and a cop pulled over a drunk driver.

Cop:Where are you going so late at this hour, sir?
Driver:To the lecture.
Cop:What? Who does that so late?
Driver:My wife!

A caveman walks into an auditorium

He sits down in the front row and a janitor walks by. The janitor turns to the caveman and says, "Hey, the anthropology lecture doesn't start for another hour. You're early, man."

My computer science professor was fired for giving a lecture in Octal

My school has very strict policies regarding eight-speech.

My math Professor arrived 8 minutes late for our first lecture, 4 minutes late for our second, and now 2 minutes late for our third.

At this rate, he will never be on time.

My local fisherman keeps trying to lecture me about how the litter from single-use plastics flows downstream into spawning grounds.

I see he's up-to-date with current events.

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.
'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.

Walking home drunk

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

I asked the Asian man behind the seafood counter for some chilled prawns...

He gave me a lecture on how disgusting it was for me to be s**... a**... by children and threatened to call the police.

"My patients doesn't last long"

-Said the morally questionable surgeon with poor grammar
(Just thought of this while ignoring a differential equations lecture)

My coding professor did a lecture about recursion.

It got nowhere.

In Electromagnetic theory lecture

Prof Bhatt : What is BxA for a thin straight current carrying conductor?
Me : Wired Flux.
Bhatt : Ok.

I was supposed to give a lecture on h**... today, but it was cancelled at the last minute.

Apparently it's a sore subject for a lot of people.

I don't often tell Mom jokes.

But if I do, she ends up giving me a lecture about it.

A lecturer had reached one of his most important points

"He who gives in when he is wrong is wise: but the man who gives in when he is right is..."
"Married," someone shouted from the audience.

My grade school teacher said to me "Name two pronouns".

Only half paying attention to the lecture, I replied "Who, me?"

A Greek philosopher's lecture on knowledge was really confusing and frustrating.

Episteme off.

8-year old Billy comes home from school with a note from his teacher.

It says, "Billy stole a pencil from the student next to him." Billy's father is furious. He goes to great lengths to lecture Billy and let him know how upset and disappointed he is, and he grounds the boy for two weeks.
Finally, he concludes, "Anyway, Billy, if you needed a pencil, why didn't you just say something? You know very well that I can bring you dozens of pencils from work."

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.

What are you doing out at this time of night? asked the officer.
I'm going to a lecture, said the drunk.
And who's going to be giving a lecture at this hour?
My wife.

My son told me this joke when he was two. "Knock knock..."

"Who's there?"
"Boo."
"Boo who?"
"CHICAGO"
He's almost 13 now, so... even if you downvote me straight to h**..., this works out.
Because I can just give him a lecture over why it's all his fault, and then I will be a successful parent today.

My wife insists I should read Pride and Prejudice , but I said no.

I'm too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.

So this dude's giving a lecture

about how two negatives can make a positive but two positives can't make a negative, when a voice from the lecture hall shouts:
"Yeah, Yeah!"

Heard this one during a real science lecture two years ago.

"In the event of a tornado, you will want to hide in a safe spot." said the teacher. "A good place to hide would be one with the least number of windows. So where should you hide?"
One of the intellectuals thinks for a moment and then raises his hand. The teacher calls on him.
"You should hide outside!"
P.S: In the event of a tornado, hide in a basement, closet or bathroom. Don't die.

Tom was stopped by the cops while walking home at 2am the other night.

The cop asked where him where he was going at that time of night. Tom replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Tom replied, "That would be my wife."

A linguistics professor says

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

How do students in catholic school get informed that the lecture has ended?

Christian Bale

After the physics lecture ended, I asked my professor What happened before The Big Bang?

He said, Sorry. There is no Time.

It's 3 in the morning and an elderly Jewish man is flying down the highway at 105 mph. A state trooper pulls him over.

"Where in the h**... are you racing to at this hour?"
"To a lecture, officer."
"Who gives a lecture at 3 a.m.?"
"My wife."

a drunk joke

a drunk man was pulled over by a cop on the high way
cop:where are you going at this time
drunk man: im going to a lecture
cop:from where are you going to get a lecture at this time of the night
drunk man: from my wife

My wife suggested I should read Pride and Prejudice, but I said no.

I'm too good for it, and I have a feeling it'll try to lecture me.

Lecture joke, My wife suggested I should read Pride and Prejudice, but I said no.

jokes about lecture