Leaving Work Jokes

139 leaving work jokes and hilarious leaving work puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about leaving work that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Leaving Work Short Jokes

Short leaving work jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The leaving work humour may include short leaving job jokes also.

  1. I can't stand homeless people Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.
  2. I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great... I just kneaded the dough
    I'm sorry, I'll leave now...
  3. Wife: The neighbour kisses his wife every morning before he leaves for work. Why don't you do that? Husband: I guess I don't know her that well
  4. She left me a note, on the fridge... "It's not working anymore, I'm leaving you".
    I opened up the fridge and it is working. She left me for nothing, that idiot.
  5. Did you hear about the man who worked with horses his whole life? He had a stable job.
    I guess uh.. I'll just leave
  6. I got fired today. My boss told me when you come to work you leave your problems at the door . I told him to stand outside.
  7. Don't Kiss! Wife: "Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
    Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."
  8. As I was leaving work for the day, my boss tried to get me to stay back and finish a report. I told him it sounded like a job for Tom. Tom Orrow.
  9. A germ walked into a bar The bartender said "We don't serve your kind here; you'll have to leave."
    And the germ said "But I work here- I'm staph!"
  10. Normally the wife picks up our four kids at school, but today she sent me a text, "Working late. Please pick up kids <3" It was really hard deciding which two to leave behind.

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Leaving Work One Liners

Which leaving work one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with leaving work? I can suggest the ones about quitting work and quitting job.

  1. I always arrive late to work... ...but I make up for it by leaving early.
  2. Why did the riot cop leave for work early? Because he had to beat the crowds.
  3. I used to work at a cats home , but I had to leave. They reduced meowers.
  4. Leaving work, my coworker said, "Hasta lasagna!" I replied, "Pasta la vista!"
  5. Do you work at the bank? Because you need to leave me a loan.
  6. Got a new puppy… …but my work said I couldn't take pawternity leave
  7. Why was the doctor forced to leave work early? The hospital ran all out of patience
  8. A Bachelor is like a new detergent it works fast and leaves no ring.
  9. My boss keeps telling me not to be late So i always make sure to leave work right on time
  10. What did the buffalo say to his boy before leaving for work? Bye, son.
  11. Why did the French Police leave early for work? They wanted to beat the crowd.
  12. Why do French riot police leave early for work? So they can beat the crowd.
  13. Why did the French ZOG officer leave early for work? So he could beat the crowds.
  14. Whenever I go home from work... Have to make sure to leave an hour to sober up!
  15. Why did the gravedigger leave work early? He felt de-shoveled.

Leaving Work Early Jokes

Here is a list of funny leaving work early jokes and even better leaving work early puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I asked my boss, Can I leave work early today? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
    Me: It's 49 past 70 o clock.
    Boss: You're fired.
  • An Understanding boss — Boss, can I leave work two hours early today? My wife wants me to go shopping with her.
    — That's out of the question.
    — Thanks, boss! I knew you wouldn't let me down.
  • Give a man a fish Give a man a fish, and he'll ask for a lemon.

    Teach a man to fish, and he'll leave work early on Fridays.
  • A tiny bucket asks to leave work early because he's sick His boss looks him over. Alright you can, i notice you are a little pail.
  • Coming in early and leaving late are generally great and admired qualities. Some women just don't appreciate a strong work ethic I suppose.
  • I have named my bed Dr. Bed. That way I can leave work early for my "doctor's appointment."
  • I had to leave work early to day .. I had a appointment with a horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor is beyond me
  • I decided to leave work an hour early today. The flight attendants started freaking out when I grabbed my parachute though.
  • I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… "Were you fired?"
  • Give a man a fish, and he'll ask for a lemon; teach a man to fish and he'll leave work early on Fridays.

Leaving Work Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about leaving work you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean leaving school jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make leaving work pranks.

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"b**...! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone, mother said, going upstairs.

But I couldn't help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his s**... little peach shoes, taunting.
Nobody's going to wear those, I said. They're s**....
But on he worked.

A Pakistani living in England (offensive)

A pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human f**... and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."

" I love to pamper my wife "

I love to pamper my wife after she's had a stressful day at work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot water running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her

A man visits his doctor...

and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

"Oh man, Juan Valdez died this morning."

Ok, so it's not a 'joke' joke, but that's what you say. Maybe at work, at the bar with friends. Say it in a lull in the conversation. If you're really good, say it while scanning the paper or a news site.
Some people go, "oh!" And some people say, "wait, the Colombian coffee merchant?" and some people say, "oh my god, he *did?*" People always say something.
And then *you* say, "he did, he was assassinated. Someone from a drug cartel shot him with a golf gun. Bizarre story."
And you leave it there.
And if someone presses further, perhaps mention how terrible it must be to get shot by a golf gun.
And you'll eventually be asked, "what's a golf gun?"
To which you say, "don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"


How to rescue the economy:
Dear President Obama,
Patriotic retirement:
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force;
pay them $1 million a piece severance with stipulations:
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.
All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".

Have any you ever tried to throw out a garbage can ?

I leave it on the curb everyday, and its always there when I get back from work.

A black man starts work on a construction site in Liverpool.

The other workers nickname him "w**...".
Feeling upset by this, the black man goes to speak with the foreman. The foreman laughs and tells him, "But we all have nicknames. We've got m**... and p**..., they're Irish. Wac from Liverpool. And Mack from Scotland".
The black man was still not happy, so the foreman shouted at his men, "m**..., Mack, p**..., Wac leave the w**... alone!"

Today just wasn't my day.

I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Finally leave the house for work and the doorknob comes loose and just breaks off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom..

I bought a used Mercedes last week...

... and I'm really happy with everything about it, except that the windshield wipers always seem to leave streaks on the driver's side while the passenger side is spotless. I tried replacing the blades, but that didn't work. So I called the guy I bought it from to see if he had any advice, and all he said was "I noticed that too. I guess the glass is always cleaner on the other side of the Benz."

A lawyer is about to go home for the night...

...when a client shows up, asking for his council. The lawyer decides to stay late and work with the client. Afterwards, the client asks how much he owes for the lawyer's time.
"One hundred dollars," the lawyer responds.
The client pays him and walks out, at which point the lawyer realizes it's two hundred dollar bills stuck together. This leaves the lawyer with a moral dilemma...
Does he tell his partner?

Dad joke

I work with this guy in his 60s and every time he comes in late he always says "Well I came in late so I have to leave early to make up for the time." and he loves it no matter how many times he says it.

This math joke usually leaves people speechless

What did the mathematician say after she ate a huge meal at a feast?
^I ^over ^eight.
It leaves the speechless because they usually look at me with confusion. Its hard to make this joke work, verbally.

Need a Break!

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that I would do something crazy. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office....
When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked him, "And where do you think you're going?"
He replied, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!"

The human brain is an amazing o**....

It keeps working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 52 weeks
a year, from before you leave the w**..., right up until you find religion.

Kiss The Mirror

A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.

$1 Beers $3 PB&J's $4 h**...

A man leaves work one Friday and passes a bar with a sign outside that reads "$1 Beers $3 PB&J's $4 h**...
He walks in and sits at the bar. A beautiful woman in her mid 20's comes over and asks what he would like. The man orders a beer. She asks if he'd like anything else. The man replies yes, "are you the one who gives the h**...?" The woman says "yes" the man says "Then go wash your hands I want a PB&J

Going to Vegas

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."

Went to our annual work party last night...

They played 'The Twist' so I twisted. They played 'Jump' so I jumped. Then they played 'Come on Eileen'...I was asked to leave shortly after that.

Man walks into a bar and orders 4 beers.

Drinks them, and leaves.
Next week same time does the same thing: orders 4 beers, drinks them, and leaves.
The third week; same thing. The bartender is curious so he asks. "well, I moved here few weeks ago. Back home my 3 brothers and I met every Thursday after work for a beer. Since I was feeling homesick I figured I would keep up the tradition even if I had to do it alone."
This goes on for several weeks until one week the man comes in and orders three beers and a coke. Bartender says, "I hate to pry but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away?"
The man chuckles and says, "No nothing like that. I decided to quit drinking."

In the words of Bill Murray...

An Irish man knocks on the door of an old lady, he says he's broke and looking for work. The old lady says "Sure, I'll pay you to paint my porch." So she gives the Irish man some paint and he leaves.
One hour later the man comes back, "Are you already done?" the lady asked, "Aye." said the Irish man, "But it's not a porch it's a Mazda."

s**... Pleasure is like a gas station

Sometimes you just fill up and leave
Sometimes you do none of the work
Sometimes you have to pay the person filling
Most of the time you end up at a Self Serve

I Hate My Life

I hate my life. I'm 22 and work at a fast food restaurant where my coworker hates me with a burning passion.
I'm extremely underpaid and if I ask for a raise my boss will kill me. I hate my town and the people in it. But I can't leave because I don't have a license.
And do you want to hear the worst part?
I live in a pineapple under the sea.

Obama bans hiring bias against ex-cons seeking federal jobs

He was quoted as says, "well, we politicians need somewhere to work after leaving office".

I guess some things will never change...

I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave.
Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.
She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is $400 a week.
"I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and replied,
"With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."

TIL about GMO Corn

Scientists have been working on developing drought resistant corn that will be a better crop for regions that do not get as much rain. They have developed a strain of corn that has stoma on the underside of the leaves that are stiffer.
It is hard pore corn.

What's more annoying than a monkey trying to steal your banana?

Working at a Tesco supermarket in Produce, putting out loose bananas on display, and while trying to do so, customers keep barging their way in to you and remove the lovely bananas you just put there and leave with a remark on the lines of, "Sorry, I'm just going to ruin your display, HA HA".

I work in the hole punching business. You can call me at 1-800-448-2-463.

I always leave a good first impression!
PS. I work for a printer\publisher and thought of this one while I was punching holes today. I hope the punchline isn't too convoluted.


A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"

My 5 year-old son caught me having s**... with my wife.

He asked, "Dad, what are you doing with Mom?"
"I was just pushing the air out of her tummy." I replied.
"It's no use, I saw our neighbor blowing air between Mom's legs every morning after you leave for work."

A man is sued and goes to court...

A man is sued for calling a lady a cow during a heated exchange at work. The man is asked by the judge to pay a small fine to the madam which he does immediately. Just before leaving the courtroom, the man and the judge have the following conversation:
"Your honor, may I ask you a question?"
"By all means sir"
"If i were to call a cow a madam, would I still have to pay a fine?"
"Of course not, that's crazy"
"Thank you your honor"
The man then turns to the woman and says:
"Have a good day madam"
And proceeds to walk out of tthe courtroom
(My dad just told me this in Serbian and it sounded better but this sort of works. Hope you get some gags!)

A guy is bored of s**... with his wife

* Friend: But whats wrong then? Why are you bored?
* Man: I just don't know man, it's not there anymore.
* Friend: Did you already try to spice things up and be a little creative?
* Man: Creative, what are you talking about?
* Friend: Well, we like to get into role playing and play doctor for an hour. Works every time.
* Man: A whole hour?!? How do you keep that up?
* Friend: First I leave her in the waiting room for about 45 minutes.

The wife left a note by the TV today saying "Its not working, I'm leaving"

I plugged it in, turned it on, nothing wrong with it s**... cow!

Best remedy for insomnia

Imagine, that it's morning already. You have to get up and leave for work.

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.
CEO comes up and asks his salary.
The man replies - $1000
The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !
The man leaves.
The CEO asks workers - who was this guy ?
They reply - a pizza delivery man.

I asked a hippy if he wanted to leave the party we were at. Know what he told me?

Nah, imma stay.
(Works better if you read it aloud)

A rich Brit comes home from a long day of work...

He says to his most trusted servant: "I had such a long day, I'd love to have some proper tea."
The servant leaves the room and comes back 30 minutes later. "What took you so long?" says the rich Brit angrily.
"I bought you a new 4 bedroomed house. I hope it's ok."

A priest, a monk, and a Rabbi walk into a barbershop.

A priest walks into a barbershop. After he gets his hair cut, he goes to pay. The barber says "I do not charge men of faith." The next day the priest leaves twelve eggs in front of the barbershop as thanks.
Soon after, a monk walks into the same barbershop and gets his hair cut for free. The monk leaves twelve apples by the door as thanks.
A few days later, a Rabbi walks into the barbershop. He gets his free haircut. The next day the barber comes to work to see twelve Rabbis by the door.

Two Jews leave Russia

One goes to Israel and the other goes to Germany. When they get together a year later, one of them says,
"Abram, I'm doing great. I opened my own business in Haifa. The weather is nice, and everyone speaks my language!"
"You know, Khaim," says Abram. "I'm not doing too bad myself. I live in Munich and work in a crematorium. You won't believe it friend, but I'm actually burning Germans!"

Last night a man attacked me.

Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my t**... with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.
It said : *Self-defense courses.*

Guy comes home and finds a note on the fridge..

..from his wife. It says "I'm sorry honey, it's not working. I'm leaving, I'll be at my sisters".
Guy is a bit confused, so he opens the fridge and the light comes on. He says "that's weird, seems to be working fine to me. Seems a bit dramatic?"

My German friend, Sepp, was leaving to go home.

I said, "Goodbye Sepp."
He said, "Thanks. I've been working out."

Chinese Sick Leave

Wong calls his boss in the morning telling him he was feeling sick and couldn't come to work.
His boss says, "You know what Wong? Sometimes when I feel sick I ask my wife for s**.... I feel better then. You should do the same."
Wong agrees and three hours later he calls his boss again.
"I do what you say and I feel better now. I come to work in a while... By the way, you have very nice house."

I have a f**... about leaving work.

I get off at 4:30 every day.

When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door.

I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. "What's your secret?". If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

A wife leaves a note for husband..

The note reads
"Dear Hon,
I've already left for work. I've prepared dinner for you and it's on the stove. Don't worry, I already turned on the stove, all you have to do is light your lighter. Remember, I love you."

As I was leaving for work this morning, I saw that my dear, sweet wife left a card for me on the table. It said, "Get better soon!"

I'm not sick or anything, I'm just bad at s**......

g**... new guys! They are doing so much better than me, and they don't even have to leave their house cause they work from home!

I guess you could say The House Always Wins.

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, This isn't working. I am leaving, good bye.

I opened up the fridge and it seems to be working just fine...and she says I'm the s**... one?

I Used to work in a pathology lab...

I was forced to leave when one of my reports said "Cause of Death: Autopsy"

I got sent home from work after the HR manager told me to leave my problems at the door.

She wasn't happy when I asked her to step outside.

Robert died...

He was working on the local brewery and fell inside the beer tank, drowning. It is believed he didn't suffer as footage shows him leaving the tank twice to take a leak.

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant. He tells the waiter: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him: "Sorry, we don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man angrily leaves, comes back 15 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him again: "Sorry sir, I already told you. We don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man leaves again, comes back 20 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter shouts at him: "Get out of here now! I told you 2 times already: WE DON'T SERVE DRUNK PEOPLE!"
The man asks him: "Dude, is there a restaurant you don't work at?"

I had a douchbag whale as a flatmate once...

I had this d**... whale as a flatmate once. He was really messy and never paid rent. Eventually the time came where I thought enough was enough and told him to leave, but, stubborn as he was, that didn't really work at all. So I hatched a plan. Late at night, when he was asleep, I secretly attached some wheels to his belly and pushed him out the door and back into the ocean and this time it worked wheely whale.

What do you call friend who works for an insurance company?

A friend with benefits

I'll leave now

I tried to build a car out of spaghetti, my wife lost her temper and said it would never work and threatened to leave me, anyway, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta. After a while my obsession got the better of me and she walked out..

Now I'm feeling cannelloni.

How many Reddit board members does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just leave you in the dark and tell you they're working on it.

Found out my wife's been lying to me.

Every morning, she says she's leaving me but when I get back from work, she's still there.

The meek little husband came home from work

and found his wife in the arms of a stranger man. Angrily he threw his hat and coat to the floor and screamed.

"So that's the kind of a wife you are! I leave you early in the morning, I work like a dog all day and I come home after midnight and what do I find -- NOTHING TO EAT! That I won't stand for!"

So.. When Mr Freeze leaves a crime scene..

So... when Mr Freeze has left a crime scene, you know its his work because people are frozen/there are frozen objects around right?
I would go as far to say thats him leaving his "Cooling Card"

A cartographer is asked to make a giant topographic map

He is very meticulous, agonizing over every little detail on the map. After months of work, he nervously presents it to his client, who says it's perfect and commissions another big project. As he leaves the meeting, the cartographer takes a deep breath, turns to his assistant, and says, "I was really worried he wouldn't like it, but that was a huge relief."