Leave Jokes

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'
They hold up the sign to cars passing by.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.
From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his house?

Because he was Snowden

In honor of 3/14... TIL the man who discovered Pi had his wife, Edith, leave him over his obsession with math.

Which just goes to show you, you can't have your Pi and Edith too.

Why did Gollum leave the room every time Sam and Frodo lit their pipes?

He couldn't stand being around such filthy habitses.

A code tester walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders ten beers. Orders 2.15 billion beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders a nothing. Orders a cat. Tries to leave without paying.

What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture

I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great...

I just kneaded the dough
I'm sorry, I'll leave now...

What's the difference between America and yoghurt?

If you leave yoghurt alone for long enough it develops its own culture

A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

Money or s**...

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a h**.... I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

Give a man a jacket

He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.

Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting n**... in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see n**... chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a n**... girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went to a bar.

They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

My wife said she would leave me if I didn't stop making Pokémon references...

'You need to make a choice' she said 'It's either me or the s**... pokémon references!'
'I understand', I replied, holding back tears. 'Sandra, I choose you!!!'

I recently watched my wedding video backwards.

I love the part where I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends.

Give a man a jacket, and he will be warm for the day.

Teach a man to jacket, and he will never leave his house.

Why are hurricanes named with female names?

Because when they come, they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car with them.

I'm never going bungee jumping.

I came into this world due to broken rubber, I'll be d**... if I leave because of it.
**

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

I'll leave now.

Your favorite drink must be ginger ale.....

cause you leave every girl in Canada Dry.

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

A piece of string walks into a bar...

And asks for a Beer.
The barman says: "I'm sorry we don't serve pieces of string".
So the piece of string walks outside, ruffles himself up, walks back into the bar and says: "Can I have a Beer please".
The barman replies: "Aren't you that piece of string I just asked to leave".
To which the piece of string replies: "No, I'm a frayed knot".

Bill Withers Duck joke

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Leave it in the oven till it's Bill Withers.

A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.
Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.

I'm going to leave this world just like I entered it..

With me crying and the people around me celebrating.

My father taught me the first rule of theatre

"Always leave them wanting more"
A great man. Terrible anaesthetist.

A woman threatens her boyfriend

A woman threatens her boyfriend :
"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"
- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.
- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"

What's the difference between an Australian and a p**... of yogurt?

Leave a p**... of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.

Just burned 2,000 calories.

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

"We Do Not Have A Child s**... Colony On Mars."

They are free to leave the dome whenever they wish.

Maybe if I fall in love with my anxiety

it'll leave me too.

75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house.

90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of r**... and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the r**... before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

Why are most hurricanes named after women?

When they come in, it's exciting and wet, but after they leave, half your s**...'s gone.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Northern Irishman walk into a bar

The Englishman wants to leave, so they all have to.

When a woman wears a bikini, they leave 90% of their body exposed.

Men, being the gentlemen that we are, only look at the other 10%.

I don't always kiss my wife goodbye when I leave the house...

But I always kiss my house goodbye when I leave my wife!

Leave a man on a plane and he flies for a day.

Throw a man off a plane and he flies for the rest of his life.

What's the difference between the USA and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

"Sir, you'll need to leave, you can't pee in the pool."

"But everyone pees in the pool!"
"Yes, but not from the diving board."

I hate when people don't leave a s**... note.

Would it kill them to write few sentences?

"Say something positive about gay men"

"Not only do they leave more girls for us, they take another dude with them"

My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking

And then I saw her face...

I used to sell home security systems.

It was super easy.
I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?
The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.

Knock, knock

*shouting thru door*
Just leave it outside, Thank you!
(2020 update)

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I'm pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me
*later at dinner*
Her dad: *coughs* I need water
Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"

So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?

But when I cuddle another guy I'm a creep and need to leave the morgue immediately

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.
Third and most important.
3. He should be great in bed.
One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."
The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the h**... are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"
I think You're mistaken my lady.
Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"

If Biden is elected, I stay in the country

If Trump is reelected, I stay in the country.
This is not a political post, I just can't leave because coronavirus.

A black man walks into a restaurant..

There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."
The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."
The black man smiles, looks at the white man and says, "Sir, when I was born I was black, when I am sick I'm black, when I'm cold I'm black, when I'm angry I'm black and when I sad I'm black.
But you, sir, when you're born you're pink, when you're sick you are green, when you're cold you turn blue and when you're angry you turn red.
And you have the nerve to call me colored!"

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.

Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.
The biologist says - They must've reproduced!
The physicist says - This must be a measurement error!
The mathematician says - If one more person enters, the house will be empty!

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!
(Please don't kick us out, just lettuce leave)

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing I'm a Believer ...

Then I saw her face...

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend's yacht.
Then we'll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.

As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"
"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."

It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or

When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis."

I replied, "That's 15 love."

A teacher told his students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted, angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"

At breakfast, the wife asks her husband What would you do if I won the Lotto?

He says, I'd take my half and leave you.
She says, "Great. Here's $6, I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.

A Jew walks into a church to see what it's all about

Before the pastor begins his sermon he exclaims: "Jews are not welcomed in this church! All Jews must leave immediately".
The Jew gets up, walks to the podium on which is standing a magnificent statue of Jesus, picks it up and says: "come on Yossle we are not welcomed here"

What do you call the space between 2 artificial b**...?

Silicone Valley......
I'll leave and close the door behind me