Leaving Jokes

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?


A: 1 GB



A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."

A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all

*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*

Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country

Not a political post, I just love to travel

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.

Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or I'm leaving to watch Guardians Of The Galaxy.

She said "I'm on my period and Guardians Of The Galaxy is sold out!"

I said, "It's alright, I'll just sneak in through the rear entrance."

With the UK leaving the EU, the union has some free space.

Exactly 1GB

My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

With the rise of self driving vehicles,

we shall soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.

Joke my dad loved

What's the last thing each tickle-me-elmo doll gets before leaving the factory?


Two test tickles

two deer are leaving a gay bar

one turns to the other and says "I cant believe I blew 40 bucks in there"

I'm leaving you for an NSA officer

"I'm leaving you for an NSA officer," she said.

"But why? What does he have that I don't?"

"He listens to me."

My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."


Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

My girlfriend told me she's leaving me because I'm too cocky.

I told her to close the door on her way back in.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking...

and then I saw her face...

My wife walks into the kitchen

Me: it sure is muggy outside

Wife: if you put all the mugs on the porch I'm leaving you

*Sips coffee out of bowl*

My dog, Grandpa

The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.

That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:

Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.

I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.

Grandpa pooped in the living room again.

I had to put grandpa down today.

Grandpa ran away again.

I caught Grandpa humping my friend's leg again.

And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.

A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.

He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

My wife's leaving me because I'm too arrogant.

I told her to close the door on her way back in.

I like my women how I like my Corona viruses

Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath

Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!"

Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."

Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*

This barista at StarBucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee.

I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote "callthecops".

I didn't bother leaving a tip.

After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange

She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What's up?"

Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."

Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday ..

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, Baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

A father tells his 10 year old son...

"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".

His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.

UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)

Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.

Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(

I regret joining the gym recently..

leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds

A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.

The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"

His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"

My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness.

At least thats what the cat told me.

My wife said,"I'm leaving you as you keep telling everyone you're a Transformer."

I said,"please don't,I can change."

"I'm leaving you!..."

I've had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I'm leaving you!

But honey, what about our child?

What child?!

Oh, so you're not pregnant?

As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...

I said, "So you want me to stay now?".

Now that vehicles are driving themselves...

It won't be long until a country singer writes a song about their truck leaving them too.

If Trump wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

If Clinton wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

This isn't a political post; I just want to travel.

My wife is leaving me because she's fed up with me talking like a news anchor.

More on this story later...

A well executed theft leaving no fingerprints behind is...

... a stainless steal.

My gf told me to leave and never come back...

My gf told me to leave and never come back. As I was leaving she screamed, "I hope you die a slow painful death" so I said, "Oh so now you want me to stay?"

Einstein is on a train leaving New York.

He leans over to another passenger and asks, "excuse me, do you know if Boston stops at this train?"

A man comes home to find his wife packing...

He says "Hunny, what are you doing"

"I'm leaving you and going to Vegas!"

"Why?"

"I heard you can make $400 a blow job out there!"

The husband starts packing and his wife asks, "What are you doing?"

"I'm coming with you! I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

Going to Vegas

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."

Sorry, tuba players...

A father decides to put his son in a music class. The teacher assigns him the tuba and the dad goes home, leaving his kid there.

When the child comes home, the dad asks "What did you do today?"

The child said "I learned how to play the C Note!"

The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"

The child said "I learned how to play the G Note!"

The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"

"I joined the orchestra!"

A wife sends her programmer husband to the store for bread.

As he's leaving, she says, "if they have eggs, get a dozen."

He comes home with 12 loaves of bread

I'm really annoyed, my wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them!

to be fair, it was probably my fault for leaving them on

Got my wife with the greatest dadjoke yet

She was talking about something and I got the rare chance to interrupt her by saying "Hi leaving and taking the kids due to these stupid jokes, I'm dad!"

Her: I'm leaving you because you're too cocky.

Him: Close the door on your way back in.

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, This isn't working. I am leaving, good bye.

I opened up the fridge and it seems to be working just fine...and she says I'm the stupid one?

I'm dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.

I won't be leaving the house.


(Heard this on the podcast Fake the Nation and thought you all would like it.)

My wife said she was leaving me today because he couldn't handle my OCD any more…

I said, "Close the door 5 times on your way out."

Music can really take you to another place

Like this bar I'm in plays nickleback, so I'm leaving

The very spiritual Gandhi walked everywhere, leaving him with impressive calluses. And he ate very little, which made him rather frail. His odd diet also plagued him with bad breath. I guess you could say.....

That he was a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Women are like hurricane...

...when they're coming, they are nice and wet. When they're leaving, they take cars, houses...

I was in a tailor.

I said to the guy, "I need something for a wedding."

"What's that?" he queried.

"A woman that really loves me." I wept, leaving the shop.

My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing...

"And they're off!"

If A Democrat Wins, I'm Leaving,

If a Republican wins, I'm also leaving.

This has nothing to do with politics.

I just really want to travel.

What did the gay deer say after leaving the club?

I can't believe I blew ten bucks in there.

The Tea Party

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).


He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him more. After several cups of 'tea,' and much praise, Mom came home.


"Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.


"Isn't she just the cutest?"


Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"

My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.

Two black guys are walking down the road when they are run over by a drunk-driving cop...

The first guy went through the windshield and the second guy was thrown 50 feet and landed in the ditch.

The first black guy was charged with breaking and entering, and the second guy was charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

Two Photons enter a bar.

Two Photons Finish their shift at their job, hop a cab and head to a bar.
They enter the bar and the bartender asks "Are you coming or leaving?" One of the photons replies "Isn't it obvious?"
The bartender replies "No, I'm colorblind.

" I love to pamper my wife "

I love to pamper my wife after she's had a stressful day at work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot water running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing

She's at the gate... and she's off

What does an Indian kid say before leaving his house for the day?..

Mumbai

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkeys. I thought she was kidding...

...and then I saw her face.

How will we truly reach gender equality?

By leaving the toilet seat at a 45 degree angle for the next person to decide without bias.

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

When I die, I'm leaving my vintage meme collection to my son.

My will will simply say you're the man now, dog

Two deer are leaving a gay bar...

and one say to the other in disappointment "man, I can't believe I blew 20 bucks in there"

We have collected gags that can be used as Leaving pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Leaving, here are one liners and funny Leaving pick up lines.

Joko Jokes