Leaving Job Jokes

103 leaving job jokes and hilarious leaving job puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about leaving job that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Leaving Job Short Jokes

Short leaving job jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The leaving job humour may include short leaving work jokes also.

  1. After an altercation with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
  2. My dad said "Always leave them wanting more." That's how he lost his job in disaster relief.
  3. Did you hear about the man who worked with horses his whole life? He had a stable job.
    I guess uh.. I'll just leave
  4. Since Trump got elected 2.5 million Americans want to leave the country That's 2.5 million jobs he's already made!
  5. As I was leaving work for the day, my boss tried to get me to stay back and finish a report. I told him it sounded like a job for Tom. Tom Orrow.
  6. Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief.
  7. Had to quit my job as an underwear model because the photographer kept telling me, "I'm just a cashier" and that I "need to leave Macy's."
  8. INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your last job? ME: Because of something my boss said.
    I: It says here you were fired.
    ME: That's the thing he said.
  9. Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.
  10. A bank teller decides to leave his job to go back to college for an education in chemistry. Turns out he had a compound interest.

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Leaving Job One Liners

Which leaving job one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with leaving job? I can suggest the ones about quitting job and quitting work.

  1. My friend just quit his job at BMW. He gave no indication he was leaving.
  2. Got a job cleaning up leaves. I was raking it in.
  3. I used to have a job collecting leaves I was raking it in
  4. Sadly I had to leave my job at the cat rescue centre. They cut meowers.
  5. A tailor decides to leave his job... It didn't suit him well.
  6. What do you do when your job is giving you a headache? You take a leave.
  7. I'm thinking of leaving the rat race and becoming a cannabis farmer. It's a kushy job.
  8. Why did the banker leave his job? Because he lost interest
  9. What do you call a bird that won't leave its cage to do its job? A burden
  10. Why is the Hulk so good at getting jobs? He always leaves a smashing impression.
  11. I had to leave my last job as a waiter at a s**... joint. The tips were all sticky.

Cheerful Leaving Job Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!

What funny jokes about leaving job you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean leaving work early jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make leaving job pranks.

John: "Hey can I borrow some money? I'm broke."
Michael: "Get money from your job."
John: "I got fired."
Michael: "Why?"
John: "My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside."
Michael: "This is why we are friends."

After giving birth, I quit my job.
The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?"
My answer: "Birth control."

My dad used to tell me "always leave them wanting more", which is probably why he lost his job in disaster relief.

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a h**..."
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."

Quasimodo wanted to go on vacation.

He sends out an ad in the newspaper to get someone to ring the bell in his place. Unfortunately, no one responds, but just as he leaves, a man with no arms is at the door. Quasimodo asks why he's there. The man says, I want the job. Quasimodo counters this, saying that he couldn't possibly ring the bell with no arms. The man says, just watch. So, Quasimodo decides to give him a chance. He brings him up the tower to three bells. Quasimodo says, alright, ring the short bell. The man takes a few steps back, prepares himself, and runs right at the bell, jumping at the bell and ringing it! Quasimodo is extremely impressed with this display. Alright, try the medium bell, Quasimodo says. The man takes a few more steps, runs at the bell, jumps, and rings it! Quasimodo is more than impressed. Okay, you've done great. Now I just need you to ring the high bell, and you've got the job, he says. The man walks all the way to the back, runs at the bell, and jumps right out the window! Quasimodo races down the stairs, and by the time he gets to the bottom, the police are on the scene. Quasimodo, do you know this man? The officer demands. After thinking for a little, Quasimodo responds, no, but his face rings a bell.

A Punny way to die

Fred was at his local pub complaining about his neighbour when Artie the landlord takes him to one side. He explains that he used to be in the SAS and for a price he can "make people disappear", it will simply be £5,000 and a deposit.
Fred agrees that he should go ahead but he only has £1 to his name before he gets paid out for his job the next week. As they've known each other for years Artie takes the £1 as a deposit as a gesture of good faith.
The next night Artie follows the victim into a local supermarket where he waits until they are in an isle alone and he strangles the man to death. Turning to leave he spies a shelf stacker who saw everything, he panics and strangles the poor worker too, causing too much commotion to stay hidden he runs out of the store and is captured by the police several blocks away.
The headlines the next morning read:
*Supermarket Shock: Artie Chokes two for a pound!*
I'll show myself out.

An 80 year old man is crying in a park bench...

A young man passing by decides to help:
"What's wrong?" said the young man.
"Well... it's just that I... I'm in love with a 22 year old." said the old man.
"I see, and she doesn't correspond?" said the young man.
"Actually we are married. The problem is that, everyday after I wake up in the morning, we have wild s**.... Then she leaves for work" the old man said.
"That's not bad" the young man said.
"Well, when I she gets home, she makes my meal and gives me a b**.... After we eat, we have more wild s**...." the old man said.
"If you are having s**... all day, then why so glum?" the young man said.
"The problem is I forgot where I live!"

C, Eb, and G walk into a "bar"

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors" So E-Flat leaves and C and G have an open 5th between them.
After a few drinks the 5th is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying,*Excuse me, I'll just be a second"
An A comes into the bar but the bartender is not convinced this realtive of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-Flat hiding at the end of the bar and excalims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in the bar tonight." The E-Flat is not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender who used to have a nice coporate job until his company downsized, says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case as the E-Flat takes off the suit and everything else and stands there au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror he is under a rest. The C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrong doing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

Peace'n quiet in Auz

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild s**..., too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

taxi cab

A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.
Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else until he can mail the fare to the taxi driver.
"You ain't got ten bucks for the cab fare to the airport? Get out of my cab!" yelled the taxi driver.
The man walks to the airport, flies home, and for the next year, he works very hard, and builds back his fortune. He goes back to Vegas, and this time he wins big.
Feeling good about himself, he steps out of his hotel to leave for the airport. At the end of a long line of taxis, he sees the cab driver who refused to help him last year in his hour of need.
He immediately figures out a way to get even with this guy.
He gets into the first taxi and asks what the fare to the airport is. "Ten dollars." says the driver. He then asks how much for a b**.... "What? Get out of my cab."
He proceeds down the line of taxis repeating the process and getting the same results.
He finally gets into the cab with his old friend, and asks him how much to get to the airport. "Ten bucks," says the driver. "Good." he says to the driver.
And as they cruise past all the other drivers in their cabs, he gives them all a smile and a thumbs up.

A man is hiring for an accounting position, and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls.

The first accountant walks in and starts to introduce himself.
Accountant1: I'm here for ther job, I'm great at d-
Boss: what's 2+2?
Accountant1: 4
Boss: get out
Sad, disappointed, and a little confused, the accountant slowly leaves the office. Then a new, fresh accountant comes in.
Accountant2: hey I'm here for the-
Boss: what's 2+2?
Accountant2: 4
Boss: get out.
Just as confused as accountant1, number 2 leaves thinking that if the boss is that s**... he doesn't want to work there anyways. On the way out, a new accountant walks into the office.
Accountant3: hi, I'm here for the ne-
Boss: what's 2+2?
Accountant3: anything you want it to be.
Boss: you're hired.

Why men don't write advice columns...

Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.

Alaskan retirement.

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."
"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some
"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild s**..., too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

The memo

An older man hires a guy every fall and his only job is to use my leaf blower and get the leaves out my yard.
He only pays in checks though. Just so he may write "thanks for the blow" on the memo line.

So the boss wants to fire one of his employees...

When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax. The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said. "I've got to lay you or j**...." "j**...," she snapped. "I have a headache."


How to rescue the economy:
Dear President Obama,
Patriotic retirement:
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force;
pay them $1 million a piece severance with stipulations:
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.
All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".

Nine researchers are stuck debating the findings of a new study.

The results are staggering, leaving the researchers split 5-4 in favor of the conclusion. Across all fields, at least one in two people are incompetent at their jobs.

Two Photons enter a bar.

Two Photons Finish their shift at their job, hop a cab and head to a bar.
They enter the bar and the bartender asks "Are you coming or leaving?" One of the photons replies "Isn't it obvious?"
The bartender replies "No, I'm colorblind.

A man got a job in Ireland...

A man got a job in Ireland. His wife was upset, because they would have to move.
The day before they were to leave, she asked him,
"Are you sure about this?"
He tried to clam her down, saying
"Relax, honey. It's only Tipperary."

Joey the marsupial applied for a job to eat eucalyptus leaves all day.

However, he was declined due to his lack of koalafications.

Did you guys read the article in the paper about what's been happening at the local supermarket?...

Well, in order to cut costs a week or so ago they bought about ten shiny new robots to go around and collect the shopping carts and trash the customers leave behind in the parking lots, basically replacing some of the jobs human employees get paid to do. The article goes on to talk about how, after a few days, the supermarket owner noticed a lot car accidents occuring in the parking lot which he finally learned was caused by glare from the robots. To solve this issue he decided to paint all of the robots black. The next morning none of the robots showed up for work.

A rancher dies and leaves everything to his wife

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

A man goes to a cathouse with only $5 to his name.

"What can $5 get me?" he asked the lady inside.
"Let's see.. well, I can give you a penguin job," she replied.
The call girl unzips the man's pants and leaves them around his ankles, and goes to work with her mouth.
"Oh wow, this is fantastic, you sure know what you're doing!" The man was really enjoying his $5 penguin job.
It was only a short while before the climactic finish was approaching, and he made no delay with vocalizing this.
"I'm going to come, I'm going to come!"
The courtesan quickly stopped, got to her feet, and walked out the door of the room they were in.
"Wait baby, wait, wait! Where are you going?!" The man, pants still down around his ankles, waddled after the woman as fast as he could.
"That's a penguin job, and that'll be $5," she said, with a laugh.

One day while scaffolding...

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.
"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff: "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'
So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

So I got extended sick leave from my job...

What happened is I called up my boss from home, and I said, "Hey, I can't come in today. I'm coming up with something."
And the boss man says, "Don't you mean 'coming down with something?'"
I said, "Yeah, but I'm still coming up with what I'm coming down with."
Now I can stay home for as long as I want. :)

Got Change?

An elderly couple is in financial dire straits. Their pension is running out and things are starting to look desperate.
After several pointless job interviews and attempting to sell some junk from the attic, they reach the sad conclusion that the only hope they have is for the wife to sell her "favors" on the street.
And so, in the morning, the wife leaves the house and doesn't come back until late at night. Her husband is anxiously waiting at the door.
"So, how much did you make?" he asks.
"$719.25", she replies before collapsing on the couch.
"Wha...? Who paid you with a quarter?!?"

A guy goes into a job interview...

The interviewer tells the interviewee at the end of the interview that if he answers this riddle, he will get the job.
"You have two chickens and a fox you need to get across a river. You can only take one animal in the rowboat at a time. If you leave a chicken alone with the fox the chicken will be eaten. What do you do?"
The interviewee thinks about this for a moment. After a brief awkward silence, he gives his answer.
"Well, first I'd buy livestock insurance, then barbecue the the chickens and blame the fox for it."
The interviewer is amazed.
"When can you start?"


So my black friend Treyvon is having some issues with his girl friend (Polly). He told me she gave him an ultimatum. He either has to change his life in a number of ways including getting a stable job and marrying her or she'll leave him and find some one who will. After Treyvon had poured his heart out and told me about what Polly had told him he asked me what i thought. So I gave him my honest opinion. I said " well it sounds like Polly wants a c**...."

The mailman's last day

A mailman was putting in his last shift before he started an office job. He was a popular man in the neighborhood, known for being courteous and prompt with his deliveries. As such, he was lavished with home-baked goods, bottles of wine and gift cards as he made his final rounds.
The mailman's final stop of the day was at the house of a wealthy lawyer, who had always treated the mailman like garbage. When he rang the doorbell, however, it was the lawyer's gorgeous wife, dressed in a revealing negligee, who answered the door. Wordlessly, she led him to the upstairs bedroom where they had the most amazing s**... the mailman had ever had in his life.
As he was about to leave, the lawyer's wife handed him a crumpled one dollar bill. "What was that all about?" he asked.
"Well, last night when I asked my husband what we should do for you, he said 'fuck him, give him a dollar.'"

2 whales

Two Whales, Bob & Brenda, are swimming in the cold arctic waters when Bob spies a boat. "It can't be!" exclaims Bob. "What" asks Brenda. "You see that boat in the distance, Brenda? Well that's the whaler that murdered my parents!" "Oh Bob, that's awful" replies Brenda. "Quick, Brenda, I have a plan! you go port side & I'll go starboard & we'll blow as hard we can out of our blow-holes & sink the boat!" so Bob & Brenda position themselves either side of the boat & blow with all their might. Sure enough, the sea turns to foam & the boat capsises throwing the sailers into the sea. Brenda turns to leave. "Where do yu think you're going?" asks bob. "We're not done yet! Now we're going to eat the sailors!" "Look" replies Brenda "I don't mind doing the b**... but there's no way I'm swallowing s**...!!"

A prestigious neurosurgeon calls a plumber to tend to his leaky faucet.

The problem requires an easy fix and the entire job takes less than two minutes. Before leaving, the plumber says, That will be $200.
The surgeon was astonished. He says, I will be candid with you. I am a neurosurgeon and even I don't charge $100 a minute.
The plumber says, Yeah, I know. Before I switched to plumbing, I was a neurosurgeon too."

My Uncle

When I was a young boy, my Uncle would always tell me "Always leave them wanting more"
Which is probably why he lost his job in famine relief.

A man comes home to find his wife packing...

He says "Hunny, what are you doing"
"I'm leaving you and going to Vegas!"
"I heard you can make $400 a b**... out there!"
The husband starts packing and his wife asks, "What are you doing?"
"I'm coming with you! I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

Title goes here

An employee is getting to know her new co-workers when the topic of her last job comes up.
Why did you leave that job? asked one co-worker. It was something my boss said, she replied.
What did he say? the co-worker quizzed.
You're fired.

A Man Was Walking A Tightrope....

Good joke from *House of Leaves*
There was this twenty five year old guy walking a tightrope across a deep river gorge while half way around the world another twenty five year old guy was getting a b**... from a seventy year old woman, but get this, at the same moment both men were thinking the exact same thought. You know what it was?
Don't look down.

Why did the guy lose his job at the s**... prevention hotline? v2

He kept leaving them hanging.

Obama bans hiring bias against ex-cons seeking federal jobs

He was quoted as says, "well, we politicians need somewhere to work after leaving office".

Bob is being interviewed for a police officer job...

The captain conducting the interview starts with some general knowledge questions. The captain asks "what is the national animal of America?". Bob correctly answers "bald eagle". The next question "how many states are there in America?". Again Bob answers correctly "50 States". The captain asks the last general knowledge question "who killed Abraham Lincoln?". Bob is stumped by this question and thinks for a long time. He finally says "I don't know". Disappointed that the candidate couldn't answer a simple history question he dismisses Bob saying "you really should go find out". Bob leaves the interview and goes home. His wife asks "how'd the interview go?" Bob replies with a big smile on his face, "Great! I've already been assigned to a m**... investigation"

Who's your daddy?

A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee
It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit
"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked
"I have no job" he replied
"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"
"God will provide, I'm sure" was the answer from the intended
"And how exactly will he do that then?"
"God is merciful and will ensure we do not want" he said with all sincerity
"And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?"
"God will ensure he provides bounty for the whole family"
"OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?"
"I don't know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways"
At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,
"What's up friend? You seem troubled"
"Well, I've just met my girl's new fiancé"
"Oh man, bad news?"
"Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I'm God..."

The reason why Sanders' supporters will switch to Trump

With half the American workforce leaving for Canada, they might actually be able to find a job out of college

A man has to leave the country..

A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.
After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."

Two men are sitting at a bar....

The first man tells his buddy, "I saw my boss being beaten up by 3 guys when I was leaving here last Friday."
The second man says, "Did you help?"
The first man replies, "Nope, they seemed like they were doing a good job."

Did you hear about the brake pedal who had to leave his job?

He had to stop when he got depressed

Had a job interview yesterday and was asked how much I was worth so I got up to leave. They ask me if there is a problem?

Yes there is, I can't afford to live off that.

Why did the Sultan leave his job at Mattress City?

He was already a manager at Ottoman Empire

Tired of being beaten again and again by a child, Captain Hook decided to leave Neverland. When he reached the real world, he realized there was a job he was built for.

So he opened an abortion clinic.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: \*leans in way too close\* Leaving it.

Why did the radish leave home after he finished college?

He wanted to put down roots but he couldn't find a job in his field.

A kid gets out of his seat to leave class

"I'll be right back."
He's known for being a bit of a troublemaker, but the teacher can't deny him if he needs the restroom. The teacher says, "Alright, you can go. But first, spell today's vocabulary word, 'pterodactyl'."
He spells out, "T-E-R-O-D-A-C-T-Y-L."
She says to him, "Good job. However, you left out the P. Because it's silent?"
"Yeah," he goes, "and it's dripping down my pants."

The Interview

A man goes into an office for an interview.
He sits down on the opposite side of the table of his interviewer.
*couple hours later*
Interviewer: Hey, everything looks great and you seem like the right person for the job. I just have one more question, it seems that you were unemployed for 4 years. May I ask why?
Man: Oh, I just was going to Yale.
Impressed, the interviewer hires him on the spot and sends him on his way.
However, right before the man leaves, he calls his wife and says:
Honey, I did it! I got the yob!

Look it's Summer now and I'd like to emphasize how dangerous it is to leave your dogs inside the your cars...

Speaking from a personal experience I did it once and lost my job as a police officer.

At a previous job, one of my coworkers would always threaten to leave and just blow glass for a living.

My boss would always respond: I'm gonna change my name to Glass.

Never leave a job half-finished

That's what Grammy Moon used to say, right up until the man she was sent to kill got back up and shot her.

A few Indian pilots went to Russia for the training of modern MiG-27 aircraft

Russian instructor:
Press this button to takeoff.
Press this button to turn the plane right.
Press this button to turn the plane left.
Pressing this button to go up.

At the end of the training, Indian pilots stood up and asked.

But how will we bring the plane down?

The instructor took a deep breath and said "Do not worry about it and leave this job to Pakistan"

Dad joking my way out the door.

As I was leaving the office today heading to a job I said to our receptionist "I'll be black later" to which she instantly replied with "I'll be white here"... I got to the door before it clicked.

Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks strange so she decides to do
a DNA test.
She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What's up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.
Husband: Well you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had wet its diapers and you said, "Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."
That's when I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.🤔

A dying Scottish man is meeting his lawyer at a local tavern to talk about his will.

After a few rounds of whiskey, the Scot admits that he doesn't want to leave his hard-earned fortune to his good-for-nothing, lazy son. But he feels like he had no other choice. He has no other family and no friends.
The lawyer says he could write a clause that would force the son to do something before getting his inheritance, like take up a sport, go back to school or get a job.
Would this really work? asks the Scot.
You bet, replies the lawyer as he downs a shot of whiskey. It'll be strong enough to make your heir curl.

A c**... come to America looking for a job.

A local hardware store owner wants to prove he isn't racist so he hires him.
After he hires him, the business owner asks the c**... what skills the he has.
Nah much mister, mah Engrish nah bery Gud.
The business owner tells him to go work in the supplies department.
The business man goes out to lunch and when he gets back he asks if anyone seen the c**.... Everyone shrugs their shoulders but no one saw him leave.
Fearing the worst the look every for him.
The look high and low and all around the warehouse.
Then someone opens the broom closet, only to hear, Supplies!

First day on the job.

A young man was starting his first job as a bellhop. Keen to make a good impression he asked the supervisor for any tips. Be polite and address the customer by their name was the response. How do I know their names? the boy asked. Check the name tag on their luggage replied the supervisor.
Excited and ready to get going, he greets a rich American couple, grabbing their luggage, glancing at the tags and taking it to their room. As he was leaving he remembered the advice, turned to the couple and said, hope you have a pleasant stay Mr and Mrs genuine cowhide.

A King had to go on a war but he was worried that his wife might cheat and leave him

He locked her in her room and gave the keys to his minister and ordered him that if I don't come back in 10 days then she is yours. Then the king left. After 20 mins as he was riding on his fast horse he heard someone coming from behind. He stopped for the man and once the other horse rider came close the king saw that he was his minister. The minister came towards the king.
The king said, "didn't I give you a job to do?"
The minister said, " your highness about that.... the keys you gave me are wrong"

"Your one and only job is to supply the miners"

The foreman told the asian man before leaving the job site.
Upon the foreman's return a week later he noticed one of the job site workers lackadaisically lounging in the sun.
"Hey Bob! How are ya? Why arent you workin boy?" said the foreman.
"Im too hungry to work. That c**... aint been around much. Been poppin up here and there but no food in sight"
The foreman continued further into the worksite and the responses were similar across the board.
Puzzled. The foreman turned the corner towards the work barracks when suddenly; out of no where the c**... jumped out from behind a barrel and yelled.

A man and his wife are looking for a job

The man, unable to find any employment in his field, decides to apply for anything he can find in the hopes of earning enough to feed his family.
A few days later, he comes home overjoyed. His wife enquires, and he happily said he found a job as a stuntman in a circus! The pay is good, he has great insurance and he begins tomorrow to practice what will be his main act, the human cannonball. They both go to sleep happy, and the next morning the man leaves for work.
Hours pass, and the man comes back home, with a very sad look on his face. His wife enquires, and he explains..
"I went to work, I got into the cannon to be shot but right after that, they fired me!"

Trump is leaving a rally and heading to his limo

When suddenly a would be assassin jumps from the shadows and takes aim. A secret service agent, brand new on the job, shouts Micky Mouse! This startles the assassin and he is captured in the confusion. Later the agents supervisor takes him aside, congratulates him and says but what in the h**... made you shout 'Micky Mouse?!' Visibly embarrassed the Agent replies I got nervous, I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck'

Today i got a wage increase unexpectedly.

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.
Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, By the way, which companies are after you? I responded, The gas, electric and cable company.

jokes about leaving job