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Leaving Early Jokes

90 leaving early jokes and hilarious leaving early puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about leaving early that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Leaving Early Short Jokes

Short leaving early jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The leaving early humour may include short leaving work early jokes also.

  1. I asked my boss, Can I leave work early today? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
    Me: It's 49 past 70 o clock.
    Boss: You're fired.
  2. Q & A Teacher: First one to answer the next question gets to leave early.
    (Johnny immediately threw his bag out the window)
    Teacher: Who threw that bag?
    Johnny: I did! Bye guys!
  3. An Understanding boss — Boss, can I leave work two hours early today? My wife wants me to go shopping with her.
    — That's out of the question.
    — Thanks, boss! I knew you wouldn't let me down.
  4. "Hey Boss..." "My wife asked me to go on a shopping tour with her today. Can I leave early?"
    Boss: "No!"
    "Thank you Boss! I knew I could count on you!"
  5. Give a man a fish Give a man a fish, and he'll ask for a lemon.

    Teach a man to fish, and he'll leave work early on Fridays.
  6. A tiny bucket asks to leave work early because he's sick His boss looks him over. Alright you can, i notice you are a little pail.
  7. I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early today. He said only if you make up the time I said okay. It's quarter past a million
  8. What happens when you make your SO leave the concert early with you? You'll never hear the end of it.
  9. Coming in early and leaving late are generally great and admired qualities. Some women just don't appreciate a strong work ethic I suppose.
  10. I have named my bed Dr. Bed. That way I can leave work early for my "doctor's appointment."

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Leaving Early One Liners

Which leaving early one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with leaving early? I can suggest the ones about leaving work and leaving school.

  1. I always arrive late to work... ...but I make up for it by leaving early.
  2. What do you call Batman when he leaves church early? Christian Bail
  3. Why did the riot cop leave for work early? Because he had to beat the crowds.
  4. Why did the cannibal leave the party early? He was fed up with people.
  5. Why did the oyster leave the party early He pulled a mussel
  6. Why did the fish leave the disco early? Because he pulled a mussel.
  7. Why was the doctor forced to leave work early? The hospital ran all out of patience
  8. Why did the cops leave the ball game early? They wanted to beat the crowd.
  9. Why did Ron Artest leave the stadium early? He wanted to beat the fans.
  10. Why did the French Police leave early for work? They wanted to beat the crowd.
  11. Why do French riot police leave early for work? So they can beat the crowd.
  12. Why did the French ZOG officer leave early for work? So he could beat the crowds.
  13. Why did the shrimp leave the night club early? Because he got laid by a muscle
  14. Why did the gravedigger leave work early? He felt de-shoveled.
  15. Why did the jew leave the party early? He had gas.

Leaving Early Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about leaving early you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean leaving job jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make leaving early pranks.

Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.

I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… "Were you fired?"

So a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde all work in a very small office

One day their boss Ms. White tells them, "Hey guys, I am going to knock off a little early. I'll see you tomorrow."
Well, the three ladies start talking and they all decide that since the boss wasn't around, they were going to leave too.
The red head went to meet her friends at a bar, the brunette called her boyfriend and went to a movie, but the blonde just went home.
When she got there she heard noises coming from her bedroom. She carefully peeked in and saw her boss and her husband passionately knocking the boots.
Well, she dashed out of the house as quietly as she could and went to the mall until it was her normal time to go home.
The next day Ms White told her three workers she was leaving work early again. And again the three discussed sneaking out early. The blonde said, "No way! The last time we did that, I almost got caught!"

There was a Gay guy named Billy

Billy was dating a bisexual guy named Jordan. Recently, however, Jordan has started going to parties on Friday nights without inviting Billy. Billy, thinking that Jordan was ashamed of dating a guy, asks to go with him one day.
When they arrive at the bar, he notices that Jordan is not holding his hands like he usually does. When they walk in, a short, drunk blonde girl who wraps her arms around his waist. Jordan introduces the girl as Jean, who tells Billy that she's heard a lot about him. Billy wonders if he told her about their relationship and starts to get jealous. He tells Jordan that he's going to go home early.
Jordan follows him to the door and asks why he is leaving. Billy just says that he is not having fun and tells him to have fun with his "friend". Jordan realizes what this was all about and tells him that the girl was just someone he used to date. She recently had a child and he wanted to know whether the child was his or not.
Billy doesn't believe Jordan's story. He rolls his eyes and starts walking away again. However, Jordan stops him and looks him right in the eye. Then, he says, "Billy, Jean is not my lover. She's just some girl who said that I am the one. But the kid is not my son."

An amateur golfer playing in his first tournament

was delighted when a beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested he come over for a while. The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he really couldn't stay all night but that he'd be glad to come over for a while. Twenty minutes later they were in he bed making love. When it was over, he got out of bed and started getting dressed.
"Hey," called the girl from beneath the covers, "where do you think you're going? Arnold Palmer wouldn't leave so early."
At that he the golfer stripped off his clothes and jumped on top of her. After they'd made love a second time, he got out of bed and put his pants back on.
"What are you up to?" she called. "Jack Nicklaus wouldn't think of leaving now." So the golfer pulled off his pants and s**... her a third time, and afterward he started to get dressed.
"C'mon, you can't leave yet," protested the girl. "Tiger Woods wouldn't call it a day."
"Lady, would you tell me one thing?" asked the golfer, looking at her very seriously. "What's par for this hole?"

Incognito

Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms.
In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.
About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:
"When we spent the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?"
"Why, yes I did."
"And did you use my name?"
"Why, yes how did you know?"
"Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"

A Child Didn't Attend School

Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. *You* should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"

So a Blonde Brunette and a Redhead are all assistants to a powerful lady C.E.O.....

The C.E.O tells the ladies she is leaving for the day and for them to watch things/do her work while she is out. When the C.E.O. leaves, the Redhead says, "Man this is the 3rd time this week she's done this to us!"
The Brunette starts to gather her things and replies: "that's it, I'm outa here." The Redhead shakes her head in agreement but the Blonde rejects the idea. Soon enough the Brunette and Redhead leave and advise the Blonde to do the same. Eventually the Blonde leaves but just decides to go home and spend time with her husband. The next day the Brunette and Redhead arrive early to work and are greeted by the C.E.O. storming past them and locking herself in her office, her face full of shame and embarrassment. The Blonde arrives, late and looking flustered. The Brunette and Redhead ask the Blonde if they know what's wrong with the C.E.O., she replies, "aww I knew she would be mad, all I wanted to do was surprise my husband by coming home early, and instead I end getting caught by my boss in my own home!"

Consequences of taking off early from work

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead who all worked in the same office. Every Friday, their boss would leave the office early to go home. One day the brunette says, "You know, we should leave early too when our boss leaves next friday!" The other two eagerly agree and set a plan in motion.
Next Friday, after their boss leaves work early, the three leave work early too. The Brunette goes to a restaurant to have an early dinner. The redhead goes to a bar. And the blonde goes home. Upon walking through the door, the blonde hears noises coming from the bedroom she shares with her husband. She walks to the door and peeks inside to find her boss and her husband having s**.... She closes the door, gets back in her car, and goes back to work, only to return home at her usual time. On Monday, the three friends get together to discuss their Friday adventures. The Brunette and the Redhead agree that they want to do it every Friday that their boss leaves.
The Blonde says, "No way! I almost got caught!"

A man is busy at work and forgets that it is his wife's birthday...

When he gets home, his wife is completely enraged. "I DEMAND THAT YOU GET ME SOMETHING THAT CAN GO FROM 0-200 IN 5 SECONDS OR LESS!". The man cowers under his wife and nods his head.
The next morning the man leaves early for work and puts a small package on the driveway. When his wife wakes up, she looks outside and sees the package. Confused, she grabs her coat and runs outside. She rips up the paper, expecting to see keys, but instead there is a weight scale.
The man has been missing for several days.

Dad joke

I work with this guy in his 60s and every time he comes in late he always says "Well I came in late so I have to leave early to make up for the time." and he loves it no matter how many times he says it.

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The bartender pours him his drink and asks, "What happened?"
"I came home early from work today...and found my wife having s**... with my best friend"
The bartender pours him a second drink - "That's awful, what did you say to your wife?"
"I told her we were through. 'Pack your bags, and leave!'"
"What about your friend?"
"I waved my finger at him, looked him straight in the eye, and told him...bad dog."

Sad loss

I woke up early as the sun shined brightly through my bedroom window. Usually the light was filtered though the leaves of a beautiful old elm tree that had been in our backyard for generations. Yesterday we had to cut her down as she had been stricken with Dutch Elm Disease. I slowly wiped a tear away then thought to myself, "Why am I being so sentimental over a tree, it's just a simple piece if wood?" My wife sensing that something was wrong asked, "What's the matter honey?" I responded, "Oh nothing, I just never thought mourning wood could be so hard." She enthusiastically sat up and said, "Well, let's have a look. I'll be the judge of that."

Johnny's wife Suzy is upset...

...Johnny has forgot their anniversary.
Suzy says, "If tomorrow I don't see a shiny, metal object that can go from 0 to 300 in a few seconds by tomorrow, I'm leaving you!"
The next day, Johnny wakes up early and goes to work. Suzy wakes up, looks into the driveway and sees a big box sitting there. Suzy runs down and opens it.
Inside she finds bathroom scales.

I left work yesterday at 4:59 instead of 5:00

I was technically leaving early, but the difference was minute.

I may not show up to work on time, but d**... I leave early.

3 ladies at work (yes it's yet another Blonde joke)

Three ladies all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they'd all leave a few minutes after her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy happy happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.
"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

What did the yoga teacher say when someone asked if she wanted to leave the party early?

Namaste

Give a man a fish, and he'll ask for a lemon; teach a man to fish and he'll leave work early on Fridays.

Today I came late

So I will leave early.

There's a special running course around the White House.

Every president does this before they leave office, and records their times in a special book dating back to the early 19th century. Obama recently completed it, knowing he had to get it done before January. He did 9:25 and was quite pleased with it. He wondered if he had set the record, but then he found out that Bush did 9:11.

Ask Jeeves

A rich married couple went out to a fancy dinner, leaving their butler Jeeves behind.
Halfway through the dinner the wife excuses herself and tells her husband she'll see him at home later.
Jeeves is suprised to see the wife home so early. She smiles and then directs him to her bedroom.
Once they're both in the bedroom the wife gets close to Jeeves and asks him softly to remove her dress for her.
He does so.
She then leans closer to Jeeves and gently asks if he could take off her bra and p**....
As asked Jeeves removes the bra and p**... of his master's wife without hesitation.
The wife leans close enough to whisper into Jeeves ear, "Now don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again."

May Sound like a Joke to Some

Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery,
vomits and falls down on the floor...
Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.
Next day wen he gets up he expects her to be really angry wid him....
He prays that they should not have a
fight..
He finds a note near the table...
"Honey..your favorite breakfast is ready on the table,
i had to leave early to buy grocery...
i will come running back to you, my love.
I love you. ...
He gets surprised and asks his son..,
'what happened last night..?
Son told...,"
when mom pulled you to bed and tried
removing your boots and shirt..
you were dead drunk and you said......
" Hey Lady ! Leave Me Alone...
I M Married !!!

My girlfriend and I had to leave the restaurant early today due to insensitive people calling me a nonce and peadophile all because I'm 33 and my missus is 16.

It totally ruined our 10yr anniversary.

What did the yoga instructor say to his date when she wanted to leave early?

Nah ma, stay.

A jealous woman, while on a road trip with her friends, would call her husband everyday to check on him.

Her: Where are you?
Him: At home hun.
Her: Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me so I know you are home?
Him: Sure Hun .
Whirrrrrrrrrr
Him: There you go.
Her: Ok. Talk to you later...
This went on for a few days. She would call him and ask him to run the food processor, which he would do.
One day she called her children and asked : Where is dad?
Kid: No idea. He leaves early in the morning and comes back late in the night.
But he takes the food processor along wherever he goes.

d**...

When my wife wants to leave party too early and I don't, we aggreed on 15 minutes d**... xhen we get home. I throw sticks in the yard and she gets them back.

Why does the interstellar traveler always leave home way too early?

Because the early bird gets the wormhole.

Blonde at work

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having s**... with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

Why'd the nervous couple leave the o**... early?

They were afraid that someone would come between them.

What do bankers have in common with your worst boyfriend?

They both come early and leave late.

Why did the prawn leave the night club early?

Because he pulled a muscle.
Saw this outside my local fishmongers.

Why did Metta World Peace (Ron Artest) leave the basketball game early?

He wanted to beat the crowd.

Yoga Joka

A yoga instructor decided to let their class leave early. One straggler was left behind. The instructor asked, "Aren't you going to leave?" To which the student replied, "Namaste".

Never have a party p**... as a getaway driver

They always leave early

I decided to leave work an hour early today.

The flight attendants started freaking out when I grabbed my parachute though.

What did the Humpback say to the s**... who was leaving early to get a species change?

You should stay a whale.

A lawyer, a teacher, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar

The lawyer leaves early because she wants to be home in time to tuck her five-year-old in.
The teacher leaves a little later to make sure his teenage son gets home at a reasonable hour.
The anti-vaxxer stays and has several more rounds because... well.

A man suspicious of his wife

A man used to call her wife every day to check on her as he was suspicious that she was leaving home everyday to meet a guy. He would ask her on the phone to turn on the vacuum cleaner to make sure she was home. One day he came home early and didn't find his wife. He asked the neighbor if they saw her. "She left and took the vacuum cleaner with her as she does every day" the neighbor said.

I had to leave work early to day .. I had a appointment with a horse doctor.

How that horse became a doctor is beyond me

What do you call a bunch of 12 year olds that leave too early?

A p**... evacuation

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"

Every Friday Mrs. Jones ask the class a question.

The kid that answers correctly gets to leave class early.
Timmy has never been that kid. But this Friday he decided it was his turn. Friday comes around and Timmy is ready. The class sits down and is listening for the question. Timmy pulls some marbles out and rolls them across the floor. The teacher turns around and says to the class.
"Alright kids, who's the comedian with the black b**...?"
Timmy yells, "Chris Rock, See ya Monday Teach!"

The meek little husband came home from work

and found his wife in the arms of a stranger man. Angrily he threw his hat and coat to the floor and screamed.

"So that's the kind of a wife you are! I leave you early in the morning, I work like a dog all day and I come home after midnight and what do I find -- NOTHING TO EAT! That I won't stand for!"

Once upon a time there was a teacher in a small village

This teacher is known to have s**... many girls in the village. After a few months, he decides to move out from the village. Before he leaves, a villager asks him the secret of how he has slept with this many girls. He answers "Silently enter the room, walk near her and blow in her neck".
The villager bids farewell to the teacher and goes back his house. He silently walks near his wife and blows in her neck just like he was told.
Then his wife says "Oh Mr.Teacher, you wouldn't come this early"
(Turkish joke, sorry for translation mistakes)

An intern proudly greets his boss as she walks in the office...

"I took the pleasure of getting here early and doing a few tasks to help your day go smoother. I even pruned the ivy hanging on your wall."
She glared at him and stormed into her office and sure enough, almost half of the plant's leaves were in the garbage leaving the poor ivy looking pathetic. "What have you done!?! This plant is plastic!"
The intern smiled and said, "I don't think so, I did the same thing a few months ago and it grew back nice and full!"
The boss yelled, "NO IT DIDN'T! I BOUGHT A NEW ONE!"

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend's yacht.
Then we'll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.

"The person who answers this last question gets to leave early" said the teacher

"Now what is the sum of three and two, multiplied by the square root of 6 " the teacher asked.
The class began scribbling furiously. All except for Bobby. Bobby raised his hand and the teacher called on him.
"5" answered Bobby confidently. He began to pack up his things and walk to the door.
"Not quite correct Bobby" the teacher said "so you don't get to leave early"
"You didn't say it had to be correct...Just that someone had to answer"

A teacher told his students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted, angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!" He replied, "Of course! Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, he came to my desk, smiled and asked, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" I shrugged, "I don't know..."

"I'll tell you in nine months!"