leaves Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious leaves puns

A little girl asks her mother, Mommy, how was I born?

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.

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If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

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Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kate Dannaher?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"

"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."

Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?"

He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads."

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With the rise of self-driving vehicles...

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew you could do it!

W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor.

H- how much you pay him?

W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.

H- I hope you gave him bread.

W- Do I look like a fucking baker?

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10 year old boy walks on his parent's room while they were having sex

Parents stop and looked, laugh a lot and then carry on
boy leaves the room in disgust.
2 days later, father walks down stairs to find boy on top of grandmother, naked and fucking her ultra hard and fast,
boy turns to father and says "not so funny when it's YOUR mum, IS it?!

EDIT- My English is not that good yet btw anyone cares to PM me the joke with proper punctutation and proper english

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My town never changes population.

Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

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A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...

"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"

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Why does Britain like tea so much?

Because tea leaves.

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Two introverts walk into a room...

One leaves

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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Yet another redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies see him sad at the bar they ask what went wrong, he explains...

"My mom just told me I'm adopted"

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Pavlov is sitting at a bar...

...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.

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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks: 'Why the long face?''

The horse, incapable of human speech, shits on the floor and leaves.

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Yttrium-barium-copper oxide walks into a bar

The bartender tells him, "We don't serve superconductors here."

He leaves without resistance.

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What's my dog's favourite part of the tree?

The bark.

What's my bank's favourite part of the tree?

The branches.

What's my elephant's favourite part of the tree?

The trunk.

What's my father's favourite part of the tree?

The leaves :(

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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves you behind and never comes back.

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A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"

Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall

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You know the times have changed...

When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

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A horse walks into a bar

So a horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, why the long face? The horse, incapable of communicating, shits on the floor and leaves.

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A woman and a man standing in an elevator...

The man asks: "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to donate my blood"
"How much do they pay for that" - asks the man
"About $30"
"Wow, all that blood for $30? I'm going to donate sperm now, and the sperm bank is giving me $100". Frustrated, the woman leaves the elevator.
The next day they meets again, and the man says: "Nice to meet you again, where are you heading today?". "Two teh spehm bahnk" - she replies with her mouth full

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A husband leaves his money in the attic...

His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.

The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."

A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, " I knew he should have put it in the basement."

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What's the best way to overcome depression?

Love it, so it leaves you as well.

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A programmer goes on a walk

A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."

He never returned.

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A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

CEO comes up and asks his salary.

The man replies - $1000

The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !

The man leaves.

The CEO asks workers - who was this guy ?

They reply - a pizza delivery man.

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A piece of string walks into a bar

The bar tender says sorry we don't serve you kind round here

The string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and walks back into the bar,

The bartender says sorry aren't you the same guy from before

The string replies I'm a frayed knot

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Why does the population of Detroit never change?

Because as soon as a baby is born, some guy leaves town.

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Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tire...

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few minutes later, Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, 'take what you want big boy!', so I took the bike.''

"Good on ye'' says Murphy, ''I'm sure the fuckin knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway"

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Paddy and Murphy

...are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home". So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

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Teacher, "Why is your cat in class today?"

Teacher, "Why is your cat in class today?"

Kid, "Because I heard my dad tell my mom, "I'm going to eat that pussy once our son leaves for school today."

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Why did Jimmy bring his cat to school?

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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Cum leaves the body at almost 30 miles per hour, which means it is illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

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Sexy Math Time

So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year.
The 54 year old wife reads the note, shrugs and writes one of her own.
When her husband gets home he reads the note, it says:
I know that you've been cheating on me with an 18 year old, but I have an 18 year old of my own and we all know 18 goes into 54 far more than 54 goes into 18.

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What do you call a man having a seizure in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

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With self-driving cars

it won't be long before we have country songs where your truck leaves you too.

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What are the most funny Leaves jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Leaves? Well, here are the best Leaves dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Leaves pick up lines to share with friends.

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