Leave Jokes
153 leave jokes and hilarious leave puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about leave that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores different types of leave jokes, from maternity to paternity, annual to sick, and even nut and hit and leave! Learn how to make your own jokes, and why people often forgo or withdraw from a situation with humor. Discover the lighter side of departure with these humorous leave jokes.
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Funniest Leave Short Jokes
Short leave jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The leave humour may include short quit jokes also.
- If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States
This is not a political post, I just want to travel - I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
- A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case. - With the rise of self-driving vehicles... With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too
- At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you. Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
- A girl walks into a dry cleaner She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
- My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I'm obsessed with horse Racing. I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....
- You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody? That's common sense leaving your body.
- I got to a party and the host said, Make yourself at home , so I got comfortable. Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.
- My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants? Because he took a leek!
(Please don't kick us out, just lettuce leave)
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Leave One Liners
Which leave one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with leave? I can suggest the ones about escape and exit.
- Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?
A: 1 GB
- My town never changes population. Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
- Hey girl, are you a parked car in July? Because I want to leave a baby in you.
- Why does Batman leave his lower face visible? So cops can see that he's white
- My girlfriend told me she will leave me if I don't support Trump... I said ok.. Biden
- Why does Britain like tea so much? Because tea leaves.
- My friend just quit his job at BMW. He gave no indication he was leaving.
- Two introverts walk into a room... One leaves
- Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant? Because he got cold feet.
- How do you surprise a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet
- If Hillary wins, I'm moving to... Benghazi. At least I know there, she'll leave me alone
- When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you behind and never comes back.
- Knock, knock *shouting thru door*
Just leave it outside, Thank you!
(2020 update) - You know the times have changed... When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.
- What's Obama say to Biden when he leaves the room after a argument? Good bi-den
Hit And Leave Jokes
Here is a list of funny hit and leave jokes and even better hit and leave puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Last night, I was hit in the face with one of those mini beer cans Don't worry, I'm fine. But it did leave a small brews.
- A persistent banker wouldn't stop hitting on me! Even after I asked him to leave me a loan.
- What is the similarity between the Titanic and the Toronto Maple Leaves? They looked pretty good until they hit the ice.
- What's the difference between my dad and a baseball? The baseball doesn't leave a mark when it hits me
- A man walks into a bar... and let's just say he was knocked out for awhile.
E: anyway, i'll take my leave...and not hit the bar - Clubbing I never have a good time going out to clubs. I can't seem to hit on any girls. All my friends pay to get in and hopefully leave with a one night stand. I pay to stand for one night.
Parental Leave Jokes
Here is a list of funny parental leave jokes and even better parental leave puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Everyone brings joy to this house. Some when they enter, and others when they leave. A sign I saw at my parents friends' place.
- A parrot named Nigel leaves home and returns home,4 years later, speaking Spanish It's pretty common, all the language majors I knew moved back in with their parents too.
- I was shocked by that story of the parents who kept even their adult children captive in the house. Personally, I couldn't wait for my kids to leave.
- Today I told my parents that I needed a change in my life and couldn't live with them anymore Although I have to say, it was sad making them leave the house
- I was going over to my this girl's house and my parents told me to leave a good impression. So I punched the side of their car.
- My wife and I were leaving for our night. The babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.'
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent. - I'm really confused. Why do parents always leave the baby changing station with the same baby?
- Apparently teachers in NJ get really great parental leave Because my dad has been on paternal leave for the last 20+ years
- How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her? By leaving a plunger in the toilet
- I can't stand stories about parents leaving their kids in hot cars. Really boils the blood
Sick Leave Jokes
Here is a list of funny sick leave jokes and even better sick leave puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer. Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a transformer. I'm leaving you."
Me: "No baby wait, I can change..." - Her : I'm leaving . I'm sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every hour . Me : Wait . I can change .
- Why did the faucet take a sick leave? He wasn't filling so well.
- Sorry. Due to the sick and twisted nature of the people on this reddit, I will not be leaving.
- A tiny bucket asks to leave work early because he's sick His boss looks him over. Alright you can, i notice you are a little pail.
- Working for Jesus would be terrible. One day, one of Jesus' disciples walked up to him to ask for a sick leave, and He replied "and you are healed."
- Why did Mr Sultana leave Mrs Sultana Because he was sick of raisin' kids
- Why are social media managers on sick leave so often? Because they easily get viral.
Refused Leave Jokes
Here is a list of funny refused leave jokes and even better refused leave puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does an Indian who refuses to leave say? Namaste.
- Why I am leaving this sub: She refused to do as I had asked. I do not have tolerance for disobedient submissives.
- I Want To Bring Joy To The World But she refuses to leave the house.
- My girlfriend's refusal to learn the difference between baking soda and washing soda leaves me foaming at the mouth
Maternity Leave Jokes
Here is a list of funny maternity leave jokes and even better maternity leave puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If U.S. taxpayers had to pay maternity leave.... The right to abortion would be the first amendment.
Charming Humor Leave Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about leave you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean withdraw jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make leave pranks.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy
who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his house?
Because he was Snowden
3 priests at lunch
So three priests are out to lunch.
One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church,
"I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."
The second priest relates to the first,
"I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't go away."
The third priest says,
"Well, I baptized my bats; confirmed them and made them the newest members of my parish, haven't seen one since."
In honor of 3/14... TIL the man who discovered Pi had his wife, Edith, leave him over his obsession with math.
Which just goes to show you, you can't have your Pi and Edith too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Gollum leave the room every time Sam and Frodo lit their pipes?
He couldn't stand being around such filthy habitses.
A code tester walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders ten beers. Orders 2.15 billion beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders a nothing. Orders a cat. Tries to leave without paying.
My ex girlfriend and I had a safe word...
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great...
I just kneaded the dough
I'm sorry, I'll leave now...
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Money or s**...
A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a h**.... I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."
Give a man a jacket
He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two boys are in the woods...
...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting n**... in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see n**... chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a n**... girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"
Give a man a jacket
Give a man a jacket and he can leave the house during Winter.
Teach a man to jack it and he'll never leave the house.
Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?
Crackers always leave crumbs.
A dying grandma tells her grandchild....
A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."
Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict :
Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote?
They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife said she would leave me if I didn't stop making Pokémon references...
'You need to make a choice' she said 'It's either me or the s**... pokémon references!'
'I understand', I replied, holding back tears. 'Sandra, I choose you!!!'
Why are hurricanes named with female names?
Because when they come, they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car with them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make a blind person scream?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My 5 year-old son caught me having s**... with my wife.
He asked, "Dad, what are you doing with Mom?"
"I was just pushing the air out of her tummy." I replied.
"It's no use, I saw our neighbor blowing air between Mom's legs every morning after you leave for work."
I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.
I'll leave now.
Your favorite drink must be ginger ale.....
cause you leave every girl in Canada Dry.
My girlfriend says she's going to leave me because I have a gambling problem
But I think she's bluffing.
I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...
It's my screen savior...
A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery
The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"
The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."
With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"
To some people, the words "Do Not Touch" leave them terrified
Especially when it's written in Braille.
I visited Stockholm
At first the place depressed me and I wanted to leave. Now, I love the place so much and want to stay forever.
Bill Withers Duck joke
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Leave it in the oven till it's Bill Withers.
A church has a rat problem
The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.
Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.
I'm going to leave this world just like I entered it..
With me crying and the people around me celebrating.
My father taught me the first rule of theatre
"Always leave them wanting more"
A great man. Terrible anaesthetist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman threatens her boyfriend
A woman threatens her boyfriend :
"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"
- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.
- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"
John was unable to choose between two girls...
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"We Do Not Have A Child s**... Colony On Mars."
They are free to leave the dome whenever they wish.
Maybe if I fall in love with my anxiety
it'll leave me too.
75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house.
90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.
If you leave a grape out in the sun, it'll shrivel and dry up...
Just raisin awareness
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Northern Irishman walk into a bar
The Englishman wants to leave, so they all have to.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We need to start giving hurricanes Arab names
Nobody is going to leave for Irma but if Muhammad was coming the whole country would evacuate
Which knight did King Arthur leave in charge of constructing the round table?
Sir Cumference
Who did King Arthur leave in charge of security?
Sir Veillance
Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...
One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.
The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the same night".
The man smiles and confidently says "oh he didn't, I hung him to dry him up!"
I don't always kiss my wife goodbye when I leave the house...
But I always kiss my house goodbye when I leave my wife!
What's the difference between the USA and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.
If you are Russian when you go to the bathroom and you are Finnish when you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?
European
"Sir, you'll need to leave, you can't pee in the pool."
"But everyone pees in the pool!"
"Yes, but not from the diving board."
Went to a Black Church to listen to gospel. The preacher came over and said "YOU WILL WALK TODAY!!"
I told him I wasn't paralyzed, but he said it again with even more enthusiasm.
After the service I went to leave. My car was gone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate when people don't leave a s**... note.
Would it kill them to write few sentences?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The best way to lose weight is to eat n**... in front of a mirror.
The restaurant will ask you to leave before you can eat too much.
What's the opposite of a waterfall?
A firefly!
I will now leave.
My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking
And then I saw her face...
I told a poltergeist that I'd give him $10,000 to leave my home forever
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?
The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I'm pregnant?
Me: Leave that to me
*later at dinner*
Her dad: *coughs* I need water
Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?
But when I cuddle another guy I'm a creep and need to leave the morgue immediately
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.
1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.
Third and most important.
3. He should be great in bed.
One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."
The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the h**... are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"
I think You're mistaken my lady.
Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"
If Biden is elected, I stay in the country
If Trump is reelected, I stay in the country.
This is not a political post, I just can't leave because coronavirus.
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<
A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.
Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.
The biologist says - They must've reproduced!
The physicist says - This must be a measurement error!
The mathematician says - If one more person enters, the house will be empty!
So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.
However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.
We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend's yacht.
Then we'll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.
Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.
It's called a Ted Cruise
A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.
As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"
"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or
When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child
