Leav Jokes
99 leav jokes and hilarious leav puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about leav that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Leav Short Jokes
Short leav jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The leav humour may include short shape jokes also.
- If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States
This is not a political post, I just want to travel - I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
- A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case. - With the rise of self-driving vehicles... With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too
- At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you. Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
- A girl walks into a dry cleaner She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
- My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I'm obsessed with horse Racing. I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....
- You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody? That's common sense leaving your body.
- I got to a party and the host said, Make yourself at home , so I got comfortable. Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.
- My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants? Because he took a leek!
(Please don't kick us out, just lettuce leave)
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Leav One Liners
Which leav one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with leav? I can suggest the ones about checkup and afterward.
- Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?
A: 1 GB
- My town never changes population. Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
- Hey girl, are you a parked car in July? Because I want to leave a baby in you.
- Why does Batman leave his lower face visible? So cops can see that he's white
- My girlfriend told me she will leave me if I don't support Trump... I said ok.. Biden
- Why does Britain like tea so much? Because tea leaves.
- My friend just quit his job at BMW. He gave no indication he was leaving.
- Two introverts walk into a room... One leaves
- Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant? Because he got cold feet.
- How do you surprise a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet
- If Hillary wins, I'm moving to... Benghazi. At least I know there, she'll leave me alone
- When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you behind and never comes back.
- Knock, knock *shouting thru door*
Just leave it outside, Thank you!
(2020 update) - You know the times have changed... When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.
- What's Obama say to Biden when he leaves the room after a argument? Good bi-den
Heartwarming Leav Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about leav you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean seat jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make leav pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I want to leave this world the way I entered it...
By accident!
I'm leaving you for an NSA officer
"I'm leaving you for an NSA officer," she said.
"But why? What does he have that I don't?"
"He listens to me."
As I was leaving home to start a new life for myself
As I was leaving home to start a new life for myself across the country my mom said" Don't forget to write!"
I thought "That's unlikely... It's a basic skill,isn't it?"
My wife's leaving me because I'm too arrogant.
I told her to close the door on her way back in.
"You're going to leave me for someone younger," my wife explained.
"That's not right," I assured her. "They could be older too."
When to leave your girlfriend?
When your wife's clothes start to fit her.
What never comes but always leaves?
My dates.
The UK is leaving the EU and because of that, Scotland is moving for another Independence Referendum...
So the english are going to get away scot free!
Why don't Leave voters go to the cinema?
Because they're unable to see the big picture.
Always leave the top down in a convertible, even in the rain
Worst case scenario, you get to use the car pool lane.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Leave Apple alone!
All they wanted to do was j**....
Why did I leave my grades at the orphanage?
I couldn't raise them
Do you ever leave a craigslist ad up after you've sold the item just to get that little rush when someone texts you?
Ya me neither.
Never leave Sulfuric Acid in a metal beaker
That's an oxidant waiting to happen.
Before leaving for the convention center on Election night, Hilary told Bill: "Tonight, for the first time in history, America will finally have two presidents sleeping with each other"...
When she got home, Bill was already eagerly waiting in bed, and he said:
"Is Trump on his way or should I drive to his place?"
Never leave duck eggs in your bath tub...
They make the water fowl.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm not saying I leave my wife s**... satisfied...
But my neighbour just asked me to turn down the bass.
What do you say when leaving the Periodic Table of Elements' police station?
Cu Copper.
Before leaving, my mother asked me, "How long will you be travelling through Scandanavia?"
I replied, "Until I'm Finnished."
Why are leaves bad material for parachutes?
because they don't survive the fall (autumn)
If you're leaving the U.S. Embassy in Santiago, make sure to put on a jacket...
It's Chile outside.
Leaving for the Crusades...
*Heard this a long time ago. Just found it again...*
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am
leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend yelling, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why I am leaving this sub.
The j**... hit us, and we're going down fast!
They said to leave the house Spotless...
So I sold the dog.
As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...
I said, "So you want me to stay now?".
I'm going to leave this world just like I entered it..
With me crying and the people around me celebrating.
Leaving work, my coworker said, "Hasta lasagna!"
I replied, "Pasta la vista!"
If you leave a grape out in the sun, it'll shrivel and dry up...
Just raisin awareness
Did you know that when leaves fall off of trees in the Autumn, it's because of nostalgia?
They're trying to get back to their roots.
I don't always leave my sentences unfinished
But when I do,
Why I am leaving this sub
Water leaked into it and I need to get out before it sinks
As I was leaving work for the day, my boss tried to get me to stay back and finish a report. I told him it sounded like a job for Tom.
Tom Orrow.
I always leave the door open for ladies and children
But they never want to get in the van .
Why did 3 leave the country after killing 5?
Because police four-and-six came right after him.
(Edit- reworded punchline)
(Edit 2- no explaination needed :P )
How do you leave Vegas with 1 million?
Come with 2 million
I leave my tinder dates like my kids on christmas.
Dissapointed.
If you leave your spouse, you are divorced. If you leave your fiance...
You are dis-engaged.
When leaving to deliver presents, where does Santa head first?
South.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I always try to leave work 5-10 minutes earlier than when my shift is supposed to end.
I'm a p**... evacuator.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you leave an idiot in suspense?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What leaves a more lasting reminder than a good first impression?
Multiple stab wounds...
I always leave a penny on the toilet lid after I take a dump
Just so that a cent is covering the odor
She said she's leaving me...
... over my dad body.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As I was leaving for work this morning, I saw that my dear, sweet wife left a card for me on the table. It said, "Get better soon!"
I'm not sick or anything, I'm just bad at s**......
Why can't you leave painkillers near a bird cage?
Because the paracetamol.
Why did 5 leave 4 when 6 came along?
To be honest, 4 was a little square. And 6, well 6 was perfect.
What's that about 7? 7 doesn't factor into any of this.
I used to never leave the house without my lucky T-shirt.
I've grown out of it now.
I'm just going to leave this here.
...I wanted a boy.
How do you leave some one in suspense?
I'll tell you later
On leaving a bar with my wife -
I slipped something into her drink which will guarantee me a dirty night in bed.
.
.
.
.
Laxatives.
I'm sure he was trying to leave a good impression
But I told him "battery will get you nowhere."
Didn't seem to phase him though, he just pushed on.
Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended.
It could spell disaster.
Why I am leaving this sub:
She refused to do as I had asked. I do not have tolerance for disobedient submissives.
I tried leaving my old loveseat at the dump a few times, but it kept coming back....
Turns out it was a chaise.
If you leave a Sombrero and Maracas in your Ford Focus
Will it become a Ford Fiesta?
Do you know why no one leaves Istanbul in the winter?
It's hard to quit cold Turkey!
GF: I'm leaving you!
Me: Is it because I create gf nicknames out of names of kitchen appliances?
GF: No, it's because you're always making fun of my height
Me: You know I love you microbabe!
Never leave a job half-finished
That's what Grammy Moon used to say, right up until the man she was sent to kill got back up and shot her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I'm leaving you!..."
I've had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I'm leaving you!
But honey, what about our child?
What child?!
Oh, so you're not pregnant?
Sometimes I want to leave society, live in the woods, and contemplate existence...
But I know that would be Thoreauing away my life.
He's leaving Friday...
Robinson Crusoe.
Don't leave me to my own devices
Pans down to show a phone, tablet and computer.
"Come on let's leave this yoga class, it's getting boring!"
"Namaste"
Leave a marshmallow in the microwave then watch it transforming into Godzilla...
Or just leave the whole bag...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone, mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn't help myself, I sneaked in and watched him making those s**... little peach shoes.
Why do the leaves turn red at the same time each year?
Because the process is autumnated.
I like leaving receipts in my pockets
It reminds me of when I had money.
I can't leave my cat
She kneads me.
I had to leave work early to day .. I had a appointment with a horse doctor.
How that horse became a doctor is beyond me
To keep both Leavers and Remainers happy , why don't we go for the only thing that will keep us IN and OUT of the EU.
Schrodinger's Brexit.
What happens when you don't leave the house for over a month?
Not much at all.
My GF said she's leaving me because of my obsession with TV Dramas. But will she really leave me?...
Find out next week!
Before leaving for a battle, King Arthur puts a strong iron chastity belt on his wife Guinevere and entrusts the key to his most loyal knight, Eddie. Then King Arthur departs.
Five minutes into his journey, King Arthur hears Eddie screaming for him to stop. King Arthur signals his steed to halt and waits for Eddie to catch up.
"Eddie!" the king says, "What's the matter?"
"Your highness," says Eddie. "You gave me the wrong key."
I had to leave the granite industry
It was counter productive
Why can't Ed leave his place in Russia?
Because he's Snowden.
While leaving a grocery store, a customer dropped a bag of flour.
A Scout ran to pick it up.
Don't bother, young man, said the customer.
It's self-rising.
What happens when you leave your citizens to freeze in the cold?
They turn blue.
Leaving my kids a diss track as their inheritance
Call that an ill will
Her : I'm leaving . I'm sick of you wearing a different t-shirt every hour .
Me : Wait . I can change .
I always leave my phone on vibrate
I like the text massages
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Take it or leave it
Medusa never failed making a man hard.
I had to leave my job at the ceramics factory when they introduced the new equestrian range.
It was turning into a horse tile work environment.
