Leather Jokes
103 leather jokes and hilarious leather puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about leather that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a laugh? Check out this hilarious collection of jokes revolving around leather, including leather jackets, boots, leather pants, upholstery, lingerie, vegan leather, and more! Perfect for a leather anniversary celebration.
Funniest Leather Short Jokes
Short leather jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The leather humour may include short rubber jokes also.
- A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps. The next day he pooped his pants.
- I think i am allergic to leather. Every time i wake up with my shoes on, i have a huge headache.
- Money cant buy you happiness. But I'd rather have my tears hit designer Bugatti leather than the composite foam in my car.
- I saw a climate scientist eating pasta out of a pink leather bowl He was eating carb on dyed ox hide
- If you're starting a stealth build in skyrim Make sure to use leather armor, because it's made of hide.
- Why do assassins and thieves always wear leather armour in videogames? Because it's made from hide!
- My dad owns this reversible leather belt. On one side, it was this smooth brown leather. On the other side, he would beat me.
- "You give me one leather jacket and I invest it and give you two leather jackets" "I don't know man, that sounds like a Fonzie scheme to me."
- I love the smell of brand new cars. You cant imagine my disappointment when i got my new Tesla. No smell of new leather, only Elon's Musk
- Nike have unveiled a pair of trainers made from pineapple leather to appeal to Vegans... They tried other fruits, but reviews said the ones made from bananas felt too much like slippers.
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Leather One Liners
Which leather one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with leather? I can suggest the ones about silk and meat.
- Leather armor is the best for sneaking because it's literally made of hide.
- Why does leather armor make you better at sneaking? Because it's made of hide.
- What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.
- What's the main use for leather in the world? Holding cows together
- I like my women like I like my books. Leather-bound.
- Why do rogues wear leather armoe? Because it's made of hide.
- Frozen 2 dialog: Anna: I prefer you in leather.
Kristoff: ? - Why is denim better than leather? It's has superior jeans
- How do you distress a leather jacket? By telling it punk is dead!
- I will stay in this fancy leather for one hour. I prefer you in leather, anyway.
- Why is leather jacket good for camouflage? Because it is made of hide.
- What is vegan leather made out of? Vegans
- Why do men like women in leather pants? Because thev smell like a new car.
- Why should you wear leather when playing Hide and Seek? Because it's made of hide.
- Q: What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A: Married.
Leather Jacket Jokes
Here is a list of funny leather jacket jokes and even better leather jacket puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I blew all of my money on leather jackets and juke boxes... I'm worried that I may be caught in a Fonzey scheme.
- How many child laborers does it take to make a leather jacket? Just one of you don't mind short sleeves.
- What wears a leather jacket, and would kill you if it fell from a tree? An elephant wearing a leather jacket!
- A friend asked me for a cowboy hat, a leather jacket and a whip..... He wanted to be Indiana Jones.
Amusing Leather Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about leather you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean plastic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make leather pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a b**... convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask
Whoops, wrong sub
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
All men are l**...
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about n**... women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about n**... women. When I shower, I think about n**... women. When I watch TV, I think about n**... women. It seems everything makes me think of n**... women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Bus Stop Blonde
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,
and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be good samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body?!
I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."
What do passengers of airplanes with leather seats die of?
Acute infart.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three ladies meet up for a drink
Three ladies meet up for a drink once a week.
The first lady says: "The other night, when my boyfriend got in from work, I surprised him. I was standing in the hallway, wearing these tall leather boots, a corset, long black silk gloves, and lots of makeup. I looked him in the eye and said 'Hello there, big boy.' He grabbed me, flung me to the floor and we made love right there and then and it was AMAZING."
Next week they meet up again.
The second lady says to the first one: "I took a tip from you. The other night my fiance came home from work, and I was standing in the bedroom wearing high heels, a tiny skirt, a see-through top and heavy makeup. I said 'Hello there. Big Boy.' and he flung me on the bed and it was unbelievable! He was like a wild animal!"
The third lady, married for ten years and seeing things get a bit stale in the bedroom, decides she needs a piece of the action.
She dresses up in thigh high leather boots, a tiny black skirt, a cleavage-tastic corset, long black gloves and she puts on the sluttiest makeup job in the history of s**... makeup jobs. She waits in the kitchen, thinking that when hubby gets home he may do something really sordid like make love to her right there on the kitchen table.
Sure enough, he comes home and walks into the kitchen.
She looks him in the eye and says: "Hello there. Big Boy."
He looks back at her and says: "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've adapted this from an old joke, I hope you enjoy.
A man was hiring for a factory, he called in the first applicant from the waiting room and asked him a few questions. Then, for his final question he asked him, "Will you make a sentence with the word 'great'?"
The applicant replied after some thought "Oh, I have a leather jacket and I think it's really great!"
The boss let him go and called up the next applicant. They talked for a while and then he asked him "Will you make a sentence with the word 'great' in it?"
Without any hesitation the applicant says "I have a leather jacket and I think it's really great!!"
The man realizes that they're catching on, so he calls the next applicant in. They talk for a while and then he says "I would like you to make a sentence", the applicant cuts him off
"with GREAT!"
"no, actually I would like you to make a sentence with the word 'fascinate'"
"Not Great?"
"No, fascinate."
The applicant pauses for some time.. then he replies
"I have a leather jacket, and I think it's really great. It has 11 b**..., but I only fasten eight."
Three learned gentlemen are discussing 'savoir faire'...(joke full of fuffery, told to me by a man who wore a fez all the time)
The first one takes a healthy belt of his brandy, leans back in his leather chair and says, "Mes amis! Savoir faire is something one does not learn easily. No sir! For example, a husband comes home earlier than he planned to. He opens the door and sees another man's coat hanging on the rack. Without a word, he heads out to the local bar and has a smoke and a drink and reads a good book, then returns home and gives his wife a passionate kiss. *That* is savoir faire!"
The second gentleman admires the amber color in his glass, puffs on his pipe and says, "No, no, here's what it is. A man comes home from work early. He heads up to his bedroom, opens the door, and he sees his wife in bed with another man. He waves nonchalantly and graciously says, '*continuez, monsieur!*' and walks around the block for an hour or two, smelling the crisp autumn evening. That, my friends, is savoir faire."
The third man rests his glass on the table and says, "Gentlemen. You've found yourself in a familiar situation. A glance across a crowded room, an accidental touch of the hand, and suddenly you're in bed with a woman you've just met. You hear footfalls on the stairs. The door opens and the woman's husband enters. He puts on his hat, gives a nonchalant wave of his hand and graciously says, '*continuez monsieur!*' And you are *able* to continue. That is savoir faire!"
The mini skirt.
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
Leather Worker
There is a doctor who has collected foreskins the entire 20 yrs he has been a Dr, after he retires he takes them to a leather worker to see what he can do with them, the guy tells the Dr to come back in a few days, so the Dr. leaves and returns after 3 days, he goes to the leather worker and says "What did you make me?" the guy pulls out a wallet, the Dr. says "A wallet is all you made? I brought you in 50,000 foreskins and all you made was a wallet?" the leather worker says "It's a wallet now, but if you rub it a few times, it turns into a suitcase."
I don't understand people wearing leather or fur...
Don't they realize that animals are suffering because of their sense of fashion? They should put themselves into the animals' skin and try to understand.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Several months
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have s**... with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Oprah goes to the doctor for a check up
After the usual tests, the doctor asks oprah who is n**... to please crawl around the outside of the room, after which she gets dressed and asks the doctor what that test was for, he says, it wasn't a test, "I am getting a new leather couch this week and wanted to know where it would look the best"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Shoe Crack!
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchased them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red p**... tonight?"
Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Luigi , I do wear red p**... tonight, but how do you know?"
Luigi answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa , do you wear white p**... tonight?"
Rosa answers, "Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?"
He replies, "I see the reflection in my new$300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?"
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no p**... tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!" Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Luigi , I wear no p**... tonight..."
Luigi gasps, "Thanka Goda ....I thought I had a CRACK in my$300 Armani leather shoes...!"
What did the illiterate man say upon realizing the couch he just purchased was made of fake leather?
Oh for faux sake!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What black & White and cool as f**k?
A fridge with a leather jacket on.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two woman in an argument at a clothes store.
**1st Woman:** You should return that leather jacket you just bought.
**2nd Woman:** Why would I do that?
**1st Woman:** because it looked better on the first cow.
Betsy the cow applied to leather crafting college early decision.
Unfortunately she was defurred.
Best Fashion Link 4 U.S: Shinny Black Leather Jackets
These Cheap Leather Jacket has been carefully designed and created with substantial interest to details maintaining quality at affordable best prices.
I probably shouldn't have spent $500 on that pair of leather sunglasses...
But hidesight is 20/20, I suppose
A Priest dies and..
... is waiting in line at heavens gate.
Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
God to the guy : Who r u ?
Guy : I am Bus driver "Express Service"
God : Take this gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.
God to the Priest : Who r u ?
Priest : I am a priest & spent 40yrs preaching good to people.
God : Take this cotton robe and enter heaven.
Priest : God, how come that foul mouthed, rash driver gets a gold & I spent all my life preaching good get cotton.
God : Results, my son, results.
While you preached, people slept, when he drove, people really prayed...
Its Performance, not Position that Counts !!
The circle
A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"
A cell phone rings in a full mens locker room, the man answers the phone
He puts it on speaker.
Man: "Hello!"
Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I'm at the mall and i just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?
Man: "Sure!"
Woman: "Oh, and i just stopped by at the Lexus dealership and saw one i really liked, can i have it?
Man "How much is it?"
Woman: "$90,000."
Man: "Well if it's that much i want it with all the features."
Woman: "Ofcourse, one more thing. I just finished talking to Sarah, and the and the house i wanted is back on the market, they're asking 980.000 for it."
Man: "Ok, make an offer for 900.000, if they don't take it offer them the extra 80k if that's what you really want."
Woman: " Thank you so much honey, love you, bye!"
Man: "Love you too, bye."
The man hung up, everyone in the locker room was staring at him in astonishment. The man then calmly looked around and asked "Ok, whose phone is this?"
I caught my girl cheating with my best friend on my new leather couch...
Of course I yelled at him.. He's not allowed on the couch.
(Made this one up this morning.. Still playing with the wording)
There's a nun at my church who occasionally does stuff involving leather.
And I'm okay with that, I really am. Just so long as she doesn't make a habit out of it.
Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle...
Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over.
His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that." "Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised.
They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police.
They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," the farmer explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"
What was the name of the landmark 1973 federal court decision that gave women everywhere the right to wear leather?
Roe vs. Suede
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I met a girl who was into leather and b**....
She tied me up and stole my wallet.
A man is talking to his wife
When our neighbor Steve got a new leather sofa, you made me buy a better sofa. When he took his wife on a vacation you made us go on a better vacation. But now I am not sure what to do.
Did he get something new?
Yes, a mistress.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a c**... in leather p**...?
What do you call a pair of sadomasochists who break up as soon as the going gets tough?
Fair leather friends
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I ordered a leather sofa off the Ikea website last week.
They sent me a dead cow and some instructions on how to skin it.
Why was the leather shoe separated from the white shoes?
Because it was a-part-hide
What's thicker than an essay's skull?
Their fake leather wallet...
Terrible Headache
A patient to a doctor:
- Doc, I guess I am allergic to leather shoes. Whenever I wake up with my shoes on, I feel terrible headache.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest
Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"
There are several types of vests designed to protect a person...
There's Life Vests - designed to protect a person from drowning.
There's Bullet Proof Vests - designed to protect a person from bullets.
There's High Visibility Safety Vests - designed to protect a person from getting hit while near traffic.
There's Leather Vests - designed to protect a person from road rash when laying down their motorcycle.
And there's Sweater Vests - designed to protect a person from women.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How can you tell when a w**... guy gets a promotion?
He's got a leather couch on his lawn.
After my dad died, we found an old book hidden away in his study.
It was bound in some sort of leather, and emblazoned with the title TO SUMMON THE DREADED ANCIENT ONE .
When we opened it, all it contained was gran's phone number.
The best gear to wear for playing hide and seek is a leather poncho with Sketchers.
You'd literally be wearing hide and sneakers.
why do gay frenchmen like to wear leather?
because it's cuir.
Why do North Koreans make leatherware so well?
Because they have Supreme Leather.
How was your job interview yesterday?
Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting foron the table....
He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop...
He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "The wolf of wall street" movie...
So I took the laptop and left...
Left... ?? Then what ??
Nothing...
30 minutes later he called me up, begging me to return his laptop to him coz all his work and important documents were in it.....
So I asked him:
Will you buy it ??
How did your interview go yesterday?
\- Well, I entered the office and found the interviewer sitting on a large black leather chair. He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to go outside with it and then come back and try to sell it. He thought himself as Leonardo DiCaprio from the Wolf of Wall Street.
\- So what did you do?
\- Well, obviously I obliged. I took the laptop and left the room.
\- Then what?
\- Nothing. 30 minutes later he called me up. Begging me to return it cause all his important documents were in it. So I asked him: will you buy it?
Abraham wandered into Sam's pawnshop and placed a leather coat on the counter.
How much will you give me for this jacket?
Sam checked it over. $20, and that's the best he replied.
But that jacket is worth $100" argued Abraham.
Sam was adamant. $20 or nothing.
Are you sure that's all it's worth? pressed Abe.
Positive
Okay, said Abe. "Here's your $20. The jacket was hanging in your doorway and I was wondering how much it was worth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the s**... club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.
"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.
"Then...what are you here for?"
With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."
What did the stubborn, fabric-bound book say to the leather books?
I will not be suede!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Leatherface gets a bad rap but deep down he is a true romantic trying to help others.
He's just trying to Stihl their beating hearts.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
What do you get when you combine a feminine wig and a leather sandal?
A Mirkinstock.
I told my friend that collard greens tasted like shoe leather. She said of course,
they're soul food.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A detetive was hired for a job
he found out the m**... was a leather container for carrying documents almost immediately
it was a brief case
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Middle Class Sexting.
So this girl I'm seeing sent me a picture of herself in a crotchless leather catsuit she'd bought from Marks and Sparks, she then proceeded to text exactly what she would do to me in it. That wasn't just any s**... text. That was an M&S s**... MMS and SMS.
For his birthday my son asked me to buy him an armchair.
I've looked around and I can only find ones made from wood or leather.
A mohel collected all the foreskins in a jar, for the duration of his thirty year career.
Upon his retirement, he brought them to a local leather shop and requested a custom piece.
"What should I make?" asked the leathersmith.
"Surprise me," said the mohel.
A week later he returned to find the result. A wallet.
"There were hundreds of foreskins there, and all you can produce is a wallet?"
"Wait, the best part.. if you rub it, it turns into a briefcase."
There was a mohel who had the odd habit of keeping the foreskins in a box in a closet.
One day he noticed that they'd naturally tanned into very supple leather, so he took the boxful to a bag maker, to see if anything could be done with them. The craftsman told him to return in a month.
When he did, he was presented with a shaving kit.
"All of that leather, and this was all you could make of it?!"
"Well, it may be a shaving kit now, but if you rub it a bit, it becomes an overnight bag, and if you rub it a lot, it becomes a two-suiter."
