Leash Jokes
68 leash jokes and hilarious leash puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about leash that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funny jokes about everything from collars and straps to the infamous off-the-leash pooch! Whether you're looking for something lighthearted to make you chuckle or a gag that could help bite the leash of boredom, this collection of jokes is sure to get you laughing.
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Funniest Leash Short Jokes
Short leash jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The leash humour may include short collar jokes also.
- Local police canine unit got all their leashes stolen today. However, the case had to be closed due to the police having no leads.
- A crazy guy went inside a police station A crazy guy went inside a police station and stole all the K-9 units' leashes. Police says they have no leads
- A blind man is swinging his dog around on its leash like a helicopter. A shocked onlooker asks "What are you doing?" The blind man replies "Oh, just looking around."
- A blind person walks into a bar, picks up her guide dog by the leash and starts swinging it above her head. The bartender asks what she's doing, and the blind girl responds: "I'm just looking around"
- How to blind parachutist know they're close to the ground? The feel the leash go slack!
(heard this one while listening to some irish tunes) - To the lady at Tesco who had her kid on a leash... I'm sorry I asked if he was a rescue, and very thankful you didn't sicc him on me.
- Please give me an advice... Our kid found a collar and a leash in our bedroom. how to explain to him that we are not buying him a dog?
- A man walks into a restaurant with an alligator on a leash. He asks the waiter, "Do you serve children here?"
"Of course."
"Then I'll have pasta and my alligator will have some children." - An angry man is walking through the bazaar with a bear on a leash And he yells: Where's the guy that sold me a ''hamster'' last week?!
- I like my women like I like my dogs With fur not hair, on my leash, and frothy at the mouth
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Leash One Liners
Which leash one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with leash? I can suggest the ones about rope and fence.
- How does the blind skydiver know he's about to land? The dog leash slackens.
(Cr - How a blind skydiver knows he's going to land? Guide dogs leash gets loose
- How does a blind parachutist know when to pull his rip-chord? The leash goes slack...
- To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue
- What do you call an Arab riding a camel with a goat on a leash? Bisexual.
- What do you call a dog without a leash It's called a dog
- I was gonna make a joke about my dog being a freak on a leash... But it was too korny
- What do you call a pig on a leash? Pulled Pork
- Everybody hates on child leashes..... But a child leash could have saved harambi
- Did you hear about the man that rented his dog? It was leashed.
- How do you walk a chicken on a leash? You pullet.
- Why couldn't the dog sell his house? Because he couldn't get out of his leash.
- Been taking my cat to the park for leash training.
- Using a novelty invisible dog leash and collar Chuck Norris won the Westminster Dog Show.
- What do you call a trumpet on a leash? A trumPET
*Edit Also why is this Marked Politics?
Off The Leash Jokes
Here is a list of funny off the leash jokes and even better off the leash puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How does a blind skydiver know when to pull the parachute? When the leash goes slack.
Howlingly Hilarious Leash Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about leash you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dog collars jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make leash pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just got this in an email: The ITALIAN f**......
The ITALIAN f**......
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual f**... procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a f**... like this. Whose f**... is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked
and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in
the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her. She didn’t survive either."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The f**... Dog
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian f**... procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian f**... like this. Whose f**... is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men...
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
A man, walking with a brick tied to a dog leash...
A policeman is walking down the road when he sees a man with a brick tied to a dog leash. He decides to go and humor him, walks up to the man and says, "Hello sir, I like your dog!"
The man looks at the brick, then the policeman, and says, "It's not a dog, it's a brick."
The policeman replies, "Oh, sorry, I thought you ... never mind," and walks off, puzzled.
As the policeman goes out of sight, the man turns to the brick and says, "We fooled him, didn't we Buddy? Yes we did, yes we did!"
An Irishman walks into a bar, carrying a penguin under his right arm....
A crocodile on a leash in his left hand, and a parrot on his shoulder. He walks up to the bartender and says "I'll have three pints of Guinness please".
The bartender looks at the Irishman.
Looks at the penguin.
Looks at the crocodile.
Looks at the parrot.
Looks back to the Irishman and says,
"What's all this supposed to be then? Some kind of joke?"
Joke my Grandpa told me. Pastors have the best jokes.
A blind man walks in to a store with his dog. He walks to the center of the store and starts to swing his dog around by the leash.
The store owner tries to stop the man "what do you think you are doing?"
The blindman replies "Just taking a look around."
The bull
A farmer is driving his tractor through his field when he spots his neighbor's five year old walking an enormous bull with a leash.
"Hey sweety! Where are ya headin' with that big bull?"
"Hiya Mr. Johnson! Imma takin' it to Maynard's t'mount his cows."
"Good, good... but cantya daddy go instead?"
"Naw, Mr. Johnson... the bull has t'go."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A f**... procession crawls through the centre of town
At the front is the hearse carrying the coffin. Behind this is a man with a big grin on his face and holding a leash which is attached to a big scary looking dog. Behind him are hundreds of mourners, except they're all men.
An onlooker approaches the man with the dog and asks, "excuse me, who is in the hearse?"
"My mother in law" the man chuckles.
"Oh really? Well, that explains the grin. But what's with the dog?"
"Oh, the dog killed her."
"The dog killed her?"
"Yes. I've trained the dog to kill mother-in-laws. It's awesome."
"Wow."
"I know right."
"So... um..."
"Mhm?"
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Sure," the man says, "but" he jerks a thumb at the procession behind, "you'll have to join the queue."
Seeing Eye Dog lol
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.
The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again.
Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. S
hocked, the manager runs over and says, "Mister, is there a problem – is there something I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies, "No thanks – I'm just looking around
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between an old-time o**... grinder and a h**... addict?
One has a monkey on a leash and the other has a monkey on his back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is walking along when he sees a f**... procession going by
A man is walking along when he sees a f**... procession going by, the longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is the f**... for?"
"Well, it's nothing special, really, the f**... is for the mother-in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman attacked and killed her."
"That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is standing on a street corner when a f**... procession drives by.
It consisted of 2 hearses, followed by a man with a small dog on a leash and he was followed by a long line of men in single file.
He asked the man with the small dog;
"Whose in the first hearse?"
"My wife," the man replied.
"What happened to her?" he asked.
"Dog killed her."
"Whose in the second hearse?"
"My mother in law."
"What happened to her?"
"Dog killed her."
"That dog?"
"Yup," he said.
"Can I borrow him."
"Get in line."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man saw an unusual f**... procession
At the head of the procession was a man leading a labrador on a leash, following 2 slowly moving hearses. He cannot contain his curiosity and walks alongside the man at the head of the procession to offer his condolences.
"Sorry for your loss, who's in the hearse in front?"
"My wife"
"How did she die, if you dont mind my asking?"
"See this dog?" Says the bereaved man pointing to his labrador, It attacked and killed her."
"Dear me, who's in the second hearse?"
"My mother in law, she was trying to shield my wife from the dog and it attacked and killed her too."
They walk on for a little while longer in silence, when he asks
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
A blind man walks in to a department store
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.
As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, but he notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.
Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.
Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"
The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."
Hillary Clinton walks into a bar...
Hillary Clinton walks into a bar with a pig on a leash.
The bartender looks at them and says "You can't bring that cow in here!"
Hillary replies, "It's a pig, not a cow."
The bartender says "I was talking to the pig."
A man was walking along the street with a brick on a leash, when ...
A man was walking along the street with a brick on a leash, when a lady came up to him and said: "What's your dog's name?". The man replied: "It's not a dog lady, it's a brick on a leash!". The woman walked away shaking her head. When she was gone, the man turned to the brick and said: "We sure fooled her, didn't we rover?"
A blind man was walking downtown and he stumbled upon the fish market.....
As he enters the market with his seeing eye dog all of a sudden he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are
you doing?!!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A tough guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.
When he has everyone's attention, he grabs the alligator by the mouth, opens it, and let's it chomp down on his c**.... He counts to ten, then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle and it lets go. When the applause dies down, he offers $1,000 to anyone that can do that . The bar is dead quiet, and finally a little old lady raises her hand. I'll try it...but just don't hit me that hard on the head with the beer bottle .
A guy goes skydiving for the first time...
... and while he's in the plane he's looking at his fellow jumpers. He's quite surprised when he sees that among them is a blind man, with his guide dog. After a bit of internal debate about minding his own business, curiosity wins out and he decides to just ask.
"Excuse me, but are you blind?"
"Yes I am."
"I'm sorry to pry, but I really want to know how you know when to pull the cord, since you can't see."
"Oh, the leash goes slack."
*Told to me by a sick sick sick friend over 20 years ago.
*Pardon formatting; mobile.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She called the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you do then your woman is out of the kitchen?
You go tighten the leash.
sorry gals..
What is the difference between women and batteries?
Batteries have a plus side..
I'm done..
A Married Couple Go to A Pet Shop.
The person on the floor greets them and says, "Hello, welcome to our pet shop! How can I help you?" The wife responds, "Could you find me a pet leash?" The sales floor person responds, "Sure! Right this way!" And the husband replies, "Don't forget one for the dog!"
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What would a sadistic Sean Connery s**... shop be called?
Lash But Not Leash
The big duck
A man at an airport see a guy with a giant duck on leash
He asks : "Wow, where did you find this ?"
"Well, i found a magic lamp with a genie that granted me one wish, i can let you try it"
So the other guy grabs the lamp and starts to rub it
A genie come out : "I grant you one wish"
" incredible, I wish for a billion !"
Suddenly, a pillion appeared.
"But this is not what i asked for !"
And the other guy says "You really think i asked for a big duck ?"
A lady walks in to her psychiatrist's office with a duck on a leash...
The doctor takes a look and says, "How can I help you, ma'am?"
"Thank you, doctor. But, it's not me, it's my husband. He thinks he's a duck."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A fool is walking down the street, dragging a brick on a leash behind him.
A cop sees him and says to himself: "I'll make fun of him."
He walks up to him and says: "Gee, you've got a nice dog!"
The fool replies, "Are you crazy? That's a brick!"
The angry cop walks away.
The fool turns to the brick and says, "We got him, didn't we, Rex?"
Only Batman can protect the pig
A guy walks into a bar with a pig dressed all in black on a leash and orders a beer. "Um, what's with the dressed up pig?" the bartender asks. "It's my pet pig. He's dressed all in black for his own safety. This way no one can bully or harrass him," the guy tells the bartender. "Because Batman is sworn to protect goth ham."
I was walking my dog through the neighborhood when his leash broke, he ran off, and headed straight into a Chinese restaurant.
I ran inside and found him in the kitchen. To my horror, he was peeing on all the cookware! The cooks were yelling at him angrily, so I stepped in and said, "Please don't be mad at him. I'm the one who said he needed to go on a wok."
Was seeing a girl who had "I'm a dog person" on their dating profile.
I found it strange that she never introduced me to her dog though so I thought it might have died and never brought it up.
Around our 6 month anniversary she asked if we could spice things up. I said sure.
I was on the bed waiting and she came in on all fours wearing a wolf fursuit and a leash in her mouth.
I wonder what she is up to sometimes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mark went for a walk in the park.
As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"
He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"
There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.
"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands.
Mark was taken aback. "You.. you know my name?! ..and can ***talk***?"
"Oh?" the man lifted his head. "I'm sorry, she can't pronounce her B's".
