Learned Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

Forget everything you learned in college...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'

'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

"Forget everything you learned in college...

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college."

"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."

A mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,

"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".

I just read through six pages in a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system!

It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle

Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead

I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.

I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

One day Bruce Wayne learned that his great great great great great great grandmother encountered a vigilante who called himself "The Man of Bats..."

It was his Nana's Nana's Nana's Nana's Batman.

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.

I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

How I learned to miknd my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."

The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!

"Forget everything you learned in College"

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"That works out because I never went to college."

"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here"

A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"

She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.

He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.

He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"

The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black bastards."

Today i learned

TIL that dyslexia is the same forward and backwards

What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?

...banned from the zoo. (Learned that the hard way)

On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

Today I learned that "Wet Floor" signs…

…are not a request…

I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was...

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

I learned a few things today.

1. I'm gonna be a dad!
2. I'm gonna be an uncle!
3. My sisters not on the pill.

What's the difference between E.T. and a Mexican?

E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.

I always thought the hole in boxer briefs was a messy idea...

until I learned it goes in the front.

In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did

So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson

What's the difference between an illegal alien and E.T.?

E.T. learned English and went home.

The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.

Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.

And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.

Why did the American start shooting the river?

He learned fish swim in schools

I learned my lesson about speeding today, and I'll definitely make sure it never happens again...

I didn't get pulled over or anything, it's just that I got to work 20 minutes early.

What's the difference between E.T and illegal immigrants?

E.T actually learned English and wanted to go home.

If there was one thing I had learned from Tetris,

Is that my mistakes pile up until the point I cant do anything about them anymore

When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes.

Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.

Sorry, tuba players...

A father decides to put his son in a music class. The teacher assigns him the tuba and the dad goes home, leaving his kid there.

When the child comes home, the dad asks "What did you do today?"

The child said "I learned how to play the C Note!"

The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"

The child said "I learned how to play the G Note!"

The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"

"I joined the orchestra!"

New sex technique

A man and his wife are in bed and things start to heat up. After a little bit of foreplay the man suddenly stops. His wife asks "What's wrong? Is it me?" The man replies " No I learned this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."

What's the difference between E.T. and an illegal immigrant?

E.T. learned the language, and eventually went home.

When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear.

After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

First day of school

One day, a mom took her son to his first day of school. When they were walking to school, he looked all excited, but when his mom came back to pick him up, he looked disappointed. Trying to cheer him up, the mother asked what he had learned today at school. "Apparently not enough," he said. "I have to come back tomorrow!"

Funeral

Emily died last week after she fell in the lake.

It's a shame she never learned how to swim.

We brought a life preserver to her funeral.

It's what she would have wanted.

First joke I ever learned

An elderly man arrives home from bingo and his wife comes running up to him.

"Thank goodness you're home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!"

He responds, "*A* Lunatic? There were hundreds of them!"

Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi?

He's still alive.




(Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)

I taught my parents something today...

...I guess they learned from their mistake

Johnny's parents hired a tutor to help him with statistics

after his first session with the tutor, his parents asked him how it went.

johnny said "well, today i learned that correlation is not equal to causation"

johnny's mother was pleased: "so hiring this tutor is really helping you understand statistics!?"

johnny responded "well, not necessarily."

I called an old classmate and asked what he was doing.

He replied that he was working on a project involving "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment".

I was impressed...

Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

A man walks in for an interview

Interviewer: forget everything you learned in college. You won't be needing any of that here.

Man: good that I didn't go to college then.

Interviewer: sorry we can't hire you.

I called an old University classmate and asked what he was doing.

He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics,
aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed..

However, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes
with hot water under his wife's supervision.

[NSFW] a man and a woman are having sex

A man and a woman are having sex and suddenly he stops moving and after a minute he continues. The woman asks "Honey, what was that?" The man explains: "This is a new technique I learned on the Internet: it's called buffering."

A neighbor's wife knocks on the door

She says "Your kids can't play with our children any more."
"Why?" the man asks, shocked.
"They keeping on calling the other kids gay, you should watch your language around them!"
The man replies "They couldn't have learned it from me, otherwise they would have been calling them faggots"

Studying for finals is like playing Tetris

just when you seem to get the facts to fit together, all that you thought you learned disappears.

Phantom Pregnancy

I recently learned that goats can have what's called a "phantom pregnancy." It's when their body thinks it's pregnant when it isn't.

I kid you not.

I was at my GF's house hanging with her and her smoking hot younger sister

My girlfriend leaves the room leaving me alone with her sister. She's been gone for a while when her sister climbs up on top of me and says "we should have sex right this second, any way you want it, before my sister gets back". I immediately throw her off and start walking out. My girlfriend is waiting outside the room and kisses me, saying I won her trust.


Lesson learned: always keep condom in the car

Koala bear and prostitute

This is the first dirty joke I ever learned.

A koala bear walks into a brothel picks out the best looking girl and heads upstairs with her.

While up there he eats her out like a madman doing things she's never even heard of.

After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.
The girl stops him and demands payment.

The bear doesn't understand. She has him look up prostitute in the dictionary, a person who trades sex for money. Still a little confused he asks what does it say about me.

Koala bear, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves.

We learned about the orbitals of an atom today...

It was pretty Bohring.
.
.
.


I'll let myself out.

What are the funniest learned jokes of all time?

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