learned Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious learned puns

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

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Forget everything you learned in college...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'

'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

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"Forget everything you learned in college...

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college."

"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."

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A mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,

"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".

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I learned yesterday that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

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I just read through six pages in a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

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A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

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I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system!

It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

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Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..."
So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar.
I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.

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I learned recently that 9/10 men masturbate regularly

You don't want to know how the last guy does it...


Note: all my jokes I post here are originals I'm working on, so as always, feedback is good yadda yadda yadda

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When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle

Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead

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I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.

I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

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One day Bruce Wayne learned that his great great great great great great grandmother encountered a vigilante who called himself "The Man of Bats..."

It was his Nana's Nana's Nana's Nana's Batman.

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Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

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McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

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After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.

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How I learned to miknd my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."

The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!

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A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"

She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.

He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.

He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"

The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black bastards."

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Today i learned

TIL that dyslexia is the same forward and backwards

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What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat?

...banned from the zoo. (Learned that the hard way)

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On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

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Today I learned that "Wet Floor" signs…

…are not a request…

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I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was...

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

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I learned a few things today.

1. I'm gonna be a dad!
2. I'm gonna be an uncle!
3. My sisters not on the pill.

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What's the difference between E.T. and a Mexican?

E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.

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I always thought the hole in boxer briefs was a messy idea...

until I learned it goes in the front.

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Did you hear the one about the giraffe who learned Karate?

He looked like a fucking idiot.

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What's the difference between an illegal alien and E.T.?

E.T. learned English and went home.

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I recently learned how to suck my own dick...

Sorry if I sound full of myself.

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How I learned to mind my own buisness.

I was out for a walk and passed a mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting: "13... 13... 13..."

The fence was too high for me to see over, but I saw a small gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on in there.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting: "14... 14... 14..."

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The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.

Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.

And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.

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Sometimes I stop suddenly when I have sex with my girlfriend.

She asks, "Why did you stop?"

I reply, "Oh, it's something I learned in porn. It's called buffering."

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I learned my lesson about speeding today, and I'll definitely make sure it never happens again...

I didn't get pulled over or anything, it's just that I got to work 20 minutes early.

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What's the difference between E.T and illegal immigrants?

E.T actually learned English and wanted to go home.

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What are the most funny Learned jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Learned? Well, here are the best Learned dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Learned pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes