Leans Jokes
106 leans jokes and hilarious leans puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about leans that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Leans Short Jokes
Short leans jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The leans humour may include short isle jokes also.
- What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef!
A cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
A cow with 2 legs?
YO MAMA - Every time I put my key in the ignition, a light comes on that says, "depress clutch to start." So I lean down and tell the clutch, "Everybody likes brake and accelerater better than you."
- Einstein is on a train leaving New York. He leans over to another passenger and asks, "excuse me, do you know if Boston stops at this train?"
- The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza. Now they'll have the time as well as the inclination.
- An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:
Where were you on the night of October to April? - A senior citizen is sitting at a bar.. A young woman walks in and sits down a couple seats over. The old man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans over and asks "So, do I come here often?"
- My buddy Joe has lost a lot of weight on the new dolly parton diet. It's made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean.
- She dimmed the lights. She leaned in. She looked straight into my eyes. I kissed her.
And now I am arrested by the police for misbehaving with the optician. - Two little boys are at a wedding when one leans over to other and asks: "How many wives are we allowed to have?"
His friend answered "Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer!" - Just saw a poor girl crying in the library, devastated about something. So I pulled up a chair, leaned in and said "You can shut up or go outside, I've got an exam tomorrow".
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Leans One Liners
Which leans one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with leans? I can suggest the ones about lobs and lettuce.
- Sometimes I tuck my knees up into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
- Why does the Leaning Tower of pisa lean? Because it's Italic.
- Beer doesn't make you fat It makes you lean; against walls, doors, toilets, etc.
- If you see someone doing a crossword Lean over and tell them seven up is Lemon-lime
- Why is the leaning tower of Pisa in Italy? It's Italicized
- Why do the Pakistanis love lean cows? Because they are moo-slim.
- what do you call a cow with two legs? lean beef.
- Opportunity only knocks once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.
- Since I lost weight I've stopped giving money to the homeless. Lean and mean.
- They asked me not to lean over the edge of that tower in Paris. Eiffel.
- Why is the tower of Pisa leaning? Becouse she was faster then the Twin Towers.
- What's a ghost's favorite data type? BOO-lean!
- How I roll 1. Crouch down.
2. Lean my head forward. - Today I leaned it is not appropriate to call your brothers boyfriend A brotherfucker.
- "Pikachu, use astonish!" *Leans into opponent's ear*
"Jet fuel can't melt steel beams."
Laughable Leans Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about leans you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ledge jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make leans pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
A tourist is eaten by a python at the zoo.
Two tourists from the Czech republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.
Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks him: "Which of these pythons ate your friend, the male or the female one?"
"That one! That one!", exclaims the Czech, pointing at the male snake, bloated with its stomach full. The caretaker runs up behind the satiated snake, cuts it open and pulls out ... a feeder pig.
"Oh no, it must have been the other one", yells the tourist. So the keeper cuts open the female snake, and sure enough, out comes the tourist.
In the end, the tourist could be revived, and miraculously, both snakes managed to live through the events, but there's still a lesson to be learned here: Never trust someone who tells you the Czech is in the male.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, This Blind Guy Walks Into a Bar...
And takes a seat in front of the bartender.
"Would you like to here a great blonde joke?" He asks.
The bartender leans in close and says,
"Well, the priest and rabbi to your right are blonde. The two cheerleaders to your left are blonde and, to top it all off, I'M blonde. You still want to tell that joke buddy?"
The blind guy takes a moment to think about it and says
"Nah. I'd rather not have to explain it five times."
Short joke my dad used to tell me
A man sees a pretty girl in a bar and asks if she wants to go back to his place.
"I can't," she says, "I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He leans over and says, "That's okay, I brought my moped."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Newfie Joke
A Newfie was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table
later when I'm drunk."
A married couple is lying in bed.
The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint...
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
May I have a piece of gum?
Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have s**.... Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have s**... right then and there.
The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men in a park.
A creepy guy walks up to another man in a park.
Creepy guy leans close to the man and whispers "do you have any n**... photos of your wife?"
The man angrily says "certainly not".
Creepy guy says "would you like to buy some?"
Blondes At The Bus Stop.
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver - "will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head, "no, I'm sorry, it won't" he says.
The other blonde leans inside and asks, "how about me?"
A little girl is attending her first wedding...
And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Two women meet in heaven...
There's these two women meeting for the first time in heaven who's names are Carol and Lydia. Carol leans over and asks Lydia what the cause of her death was. Lydia says, "Well I froze to death. How did you die?" To which Carol replies "I died of a massive heart attack." Very concerned, Lydia asks "What caused the heart attack?" Carol starts then explaining on how she thought her husband was cheating on her. And how she had come home early to catch him in the act but, to her surprise, only found her husband sitting in the den reading a book. But convinced there was another women in the house, she frantically started destroying the house looking for the other women until she was so exhausted that her heart just stopped working. Amazed at the story, Lydia looks at Carol and says, "If you would have looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work...
He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again and chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 2 hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close and lops off his head. Bob puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 3 hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room. He walks over to Bob and says, "I'm sorry, but your friend didn't make it." Bob is distraught and says, "But the miracles of modern medicine have samed him before. Why couldn't you reattach his head?" The doctor replies, "We would have been able to, but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
A man goes to his proctologist for an exam...
The doctor tells him to drop his drawers and let him know when he feels his thumb. After a few seconds, the doctor asks the man if he can feel it and the man replies no. A few seconds later, the doctor asks again. This time the man says yes he can feel the doctors thumb. At this point, the doctor leans over and waving both thumbs at the guys face says Surprise!
Wittle Wabbit
little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Elevator joke.
A man and a woman are in an elevator.
The man leans over to the woman and asks, 'Can I smell your v**...?'
The woman, shocked, replies, 'Absolutely not!'
He says, 'Huh. Must be your feet then.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Blondes on a Street
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You d**..., it's me!"
A drunk walks into a library
Walks to the clerk and says "barkeep get me 2 beers and a shot!" The clerk replies "sir this is a library" the drunk leans close and whispers "bartender get me 2 beers and a shot"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...
A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)
Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"
Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!
A magic show...
Two friends, Bob and Hank, are watching a magician perform. Mildly amused by the standard tricks and illusions they have seen so far, their attention perks up when they see the beautiful assistant come out from behind the curtain for the saw the lady in half trick. As she is climbing into the box, Bob leans over and whispers, That's some hot broad. I'd ask her out, wouldn't you?
Nah, Hank says, I'd probably get the half that eats.
The Pope and Hillary Clinton
The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display , but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that is possible; show me."
His Holiness then backhanded Hillary and knocked her off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land.
A guy is sitting alone at the bar
when a hot girl comes up to him. She leans to his ear and whispers in a seductive tone:
"For $100 I'll do anything, as long as you can describe it in no more than three words!"
She leans back, and the man thinks about the offer for a second and answers:
"Paint my house"
So the Judge says "OK, I see that circumstance and duress made you eat the endangered spotted owl. NOT guilty." Then he leans over and whispers "Between you and me, what does a spotted owl actually taste like?"
The accused says "A cross between a bald eagle and an Amazon Imperial Parrot."
You know you're in for a rough Prostate Exam...
...when you get into "position" and, right after the doctor snaps his gloves on, the nurse leans forward and gives you the "safe word"
A Hot Romance
While watching a romantic movie, my wife leans over and whispers in my ear "I want you to make me sweaty and wet." So I shut off the fan.
A student comes to a young professor's office hours...
She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
Drunk in a Taxi
So, a drunk climbs gracelessly into the back of a taxi and says "Drive."
As they pull from the curb, he leans forward and asks the driver, "Do you have room up front for a large pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of beer?"
The driver replies, "Sure!"
The drunk bends over the seat and says, "HHUURRRRGGHHHHHH!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy is hit by a bus...
...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:
"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"
To which the little boy replies:
"How can you think about s**... in a time like this?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Underwear stuff
So my uncle leans in close to my 7 year old cousin, and with all the seriousness in the world, asks him "if there's one thing you could change in your life, what would it be?" And without a moments hesitation, the little brat goes "me u**...".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband is with his wife at his mother-in-law's f**......
Suddenly, the husband starts crying. His wife leans in and whispers to him:
"Why are you even crying? You never liked her anyways."
"I thought I saw her move."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump, a white worker , and a Mexican worker are sitting at a table.
A waiter comes over carrying 10 cookies on a plate. Before the waiter even gets a chance to set the plate on the table, Donald Trump reaches over and takes 9 cookies and stuffs them in his pocket. He then leans over to the white worker and says "watch out, that r**... is looking at your cookie."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A h**... is lying on a hammock in his backyard drinking a beer while his wife mows the lawn.
His neighbour leans over the fence and says, "That's disgusting. You let your wife do all the work while you just lie there and drink beer. You should be d**...-well hung!"
"I am," replies the h**.... "That's why she mows the lawn for me."
Trump & Trudeau
Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were we discussing politics when Donald leans in close and says:
Donald: You know Justin, if the US were a Dictatorship I would be a Dictator.
Justin: Yea, I suppose so Donald.
Donald: And you know if the US were a Monarchy I would be a Monarch.
Justin: That's also true Don, but I hate to break it to you, the US is a Country.
The ultimate Dad Joke
A father, on his deathbed, with his son crying over him.
Son: "I'm so sad"
Father: "Hi sad"... leans in and whispers, I'm dead."
Keels over and dies.
The Wishing Well
A man and his wife walk over to a wishing well, the man throws a coin in the well and makes his wish.
The woman goes and throws her coin in but leans to far over the well, falls in and dies.
The man exclaims "It Worked!"
I got slapped at the club the other day
I went dancing at a local club, hoping to get a little action since it's been a while. I met this gorgeous girl and asked her to dance, a little emboldened by the alcohol. After the first song with her body so close to mine, she leans in and says "You smell good! Whatcha got on?"
I said, "Well, I have a hard-on but I didn't know you could smell it."
There's an old man on his deathbed...
... sensing his time is near he beckens for his wife to join his side. She sits down next to him and clutches his hand and leans in to hear what he has to say.
In a shakey voice he says: "Maybel, when I die, I want you to marry Jenkins."
Taken back a moment, she looks at her husband and says: "Jenkins?! Why, I thought you hated him!"
The old man cackles and in his last breath he says "AND I STILL DO!"
A man was driving along the motorway
When all of a sudden, he sees two crisps (potato chips) walking along the side of the road.
Perplexed by this and concerned for their safety he leans out and shouts "Hey! You two want a lift anywhere?", to which the crisps stopped and replied "No thanks mate, we're Walkers".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a library
And says to the librarian "Hi! I would like an 8 ball of coke and an ounce of w**... please."
The librarian says "Sir, this is a library!"
The man says "Sorry" and then leans in closely and whispers " I would like an 8 ball of coke and an ounce of w**... please."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Choochie Green was a h**... in a little town,
One Sunday morning she's decides to go to church. She gets all dressed up, in her finest mini skirt and top. She arrives early to ensure a seat up close. While the rest of the congregation files in, the priest notices her. He leans over to the alter boy and ask "Is that Choochie Green?" The boy squints and leans forward and replies "I don't think so, just the way the lights hitting it"
A Liberian man goes through the line at a grocery store
The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, I couldn't help noticing... What accent do you have?" The man replies, "I'm Liberian." The cashier leans forward and quietly whispers, "*My bad. what accent do you have?"*
A blond walks into a library while talking on her phone.
When she gets to the front desk she says, "I will have two cheese burgers and s large french fry."
The librarian looks and her and says, "ma'am, this is a library."
The blond looks around and sees all of the shelves full of books. She is very embarrassed, hangs up her phone, and leans forward to whisper, "I will have two cheese burgers and a large fry."
A bus breaks down and the driver pops the hood to investigate
A blonde passenger who is a certified mechanic comes out with her toolbox, eager to help and show off her training and also give blondes a good reputation for a change. She leans behind the bus driver and sees a loose bolt, so, helpful, she asks: "Fancy a screw driver?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Oliver Twist steps up to the master and says...
"Please Sir. I want some more."
The master leans over the table and glowers down at the boy. "Everyday you ask for more, and everyday you get a thrashing for it. Now tell me boy, is the gruel really that good?"
"No Sir, but I love the thrashing."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two gold diggers are sitting in a bar...
The women are scoping out the men looking for their next find when a man walks up to the bar next to then and takes out a diamond-covered wallet.
"Hello there, you seem like a kind and interesting person! I'm Jennifer", she says as she goes in for a handshake.
The man replies "Listen, I know how you women are and you just like me because of my diamond wallet!"
She leans over to him, "No darling! It's what's on the inside that counts!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bill Clinton and Al Gore decide to go eat out at a diner
After giving them some time, the waitress comes and asks if they are ready to order.
Bill goes, "Yes, I'd like to have a q**... please."
"A q**...?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the menu."
Al Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it is pronounced 'Quiche'..."
A man and a woman are making love...
...when the man notices a picture of another man on the lady's bedside.
The man panics and asks, "Who is this? Is this your husband?"
The woman smiles and says, "No... You're so hot when you're jealous!"
The man is still panicked and asks, "Boyfriend?"
The woman shakes her head.
The man is slightly relieved and asks, "Then who is it? Your father? Brother?"
The woman replies, "No..." She leans into his ear and whispers, "That was me before the surgery."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.
How about a q**...? asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.
His friend leans across the table and says, Dude, it's pronounced quiche .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man brings his wife to his first domestic a**... support group
As they sit down, the man beside him leans over and whispers in his ear:
"You hittin' that?"
A little girl walks into a pet shop
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper bends down to her level, smiling, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl leans forward and whispers, "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to a f**... ...
After the regular round of eulogies and speeches and well wishers, he leans over the pew and asks the widow:
"Mind if I say a word?"
No, of course not , she says. "Please do."
The man stands up, clears his t**... and says:
"Abacus"
Then promptly sits down.
The widow leans back and says: "Thanks, it's the little things that count .
A priest notices a little boy down the street
Trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
Talk with God
God: you'll be alive for 70-80 years ideally
Man: great! I'll make the most of it!
God: you will be unconscious for 1/3 of your time alive
Man: uh...
God : *leans in* that'll be your favourite part
A pony walks into a bar
Says to the bartender Let me get one Apple martini
bartender leans in closer and says what?
Pony says one. Apple martini, please .
Bartender asks, something about a Bikini?
Pony starts to get a little frustrated but manages to say a little louder now ONE APPLE MARTINI
Bartender said oh! It's hard to hear you, you're a little horse
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen are driving in a car
p**... turns to p**... and says: "Hey p**..., can you check if the indicator is working?"
p**... leans out of the window and shouts: "YES! no. YES! no. YES! no."
This summer was driving down the highway when it saw police lights flashing in its rear view window...
It, being the good summer it is, pulls over and the cop approaches its car window. The officer leans in and says, Summer, do you know fast you were going?
Summer, without hesitation, lights a cigarette and puffs, I don't know, Sir. Too fast?
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you'll be safer if you stand up.
A Nun walks into a bar, looking like she hasn't washed in weeks.
She leans up against the bar, clothes all covered in dirt, stinking to high heaven, and lights up a cigerette.
The barman says, "You know, thats a filthy habbit Sister!"
"I know, I know", she replies, "but I haven't got anything else to wear."
A drunk man is sitting on a bar stool.
He leans over and asks the guy on his left, did you shpill your drink on me? The guy says no I did not. He then leans over and asks the guy on his right, did you shpill your drink on me? No, I certainly did not.
Then I guess it must have been an inside job.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So on a flight, there is a woman who is sneezing.
Now see, this woman is sneezing very vigorously. Eventually, a man leans over and asks 'what's wrong?'
The woman replies, 'I have a very rare condition wherein every time I sneeze I o**....'
The man replies, 'oh why that sounds terrible! What medication are you taking for it?'
The woman smiles and replies, 'pepper'.
A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night
She leans in to my mom and says
When is Mother's Day?
My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says
Nine months after fathers night
A man walks into a pharmacy to buy some condoms
The pharmacist takes note and says Big night tonight eh?
The man responds Yeah, meeting the new girls' parents for dinner tonight and I'm trying to get lucky.
He heads to his girlfriend's house later that night and sits down before eating to pray.
And pray
And pray
After a few minutes his girlfriend leans over and says I didn't know you were so religious
He leans over and says I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is sitting at her husbands f**... listening to the eulogies
She turned to the man next to her and asked if he would say a few words.
Certainly , he says and walks up to the mic
A few words the man says before sitting back down
That's exactly what I needed to hear says the woman.
A man sitting behind her leans forward and asks, Do you mind if I say a word?
Not at all she replies
He stands, walks forward and clears his t**....
Bargain he says before returning to his seat
Thanks , says the woman, that means a great deal
Another man then takes the mic and simply says many .
Thank you, that means a lot says the woman
A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers "The wife did it".
[Better when spoken aloud:] A young man is nervous about his wedding night.
On the day of the wedding, he asks his dad what he should do. "It's easy, son. Just kiss her on the navel and tell her you love her."
So, that night, the newlyweds remove their clothes and get on the bed. The young man leans down, gently kisses his bride on the navel and says "I love you!"
"Lower!" she says.
\[In a bass voice:\] "I love you, I love you!"
Joe Biden and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
As they are waving to everyone, Biden leans towards Trump saying,
Did you know, that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? Also, this joy will not be merely a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts, and for the rest of their lives, whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Come on, show me!
So Biden slapped him.
Just finished building an Ikea shelf. I'm going to name it Joe.
It's a bit shakey and leans slightly to the left.
Me: Thanks for always being there for me. *leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: Sir, please just pay for your stuff and leave.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man boards a plane with six kids
After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No, I work for a c**... company, these are customer complaints."
A drunk man is shouting "twenty five" while
Looking at the open manhole infront of him....
Another man comes seeing the drunk man shouting
"Twenty five" again and again while looking inside the open manhole.he asks why he is doing that...
Drunk man doesn't replies....
He keeps shouting "twenty five" while ignoring what other man says.
Man gets curious whats inside manhole.he leans over to see whats in. But the drunk man kicks him inside the manhole....
Drunk man after that..." Twenty six......"
Student doing test: The unit of power equivalent to 1 joule per second is called the [....]
Friend leans over: Watt is the answer
Student: I don't know, I've been trying to figure it out
9 and 5 walk into a haunted house...
9 leans over and whispers "I'm squared."
5 laughs and replies "I'm not, that would be irrational."
Joe is hiring a hitman from a well respected mafioso to kill his business partner.
The man asks, "How do I know you won't just let him pay you twice as much, and then kill me?"
The mob boss leans back and says, "Well Joe, you can always get the insurance policy."
"Insurance policy?"
"Yeah. For five times the fee I absolutely guarantee that the other guy can no longer afford to."
A dying kid makes a wish to meet Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne sits at the side of the hospital bed and asks the kid if he was a fan of wrestling.
The kid says yeah, and that he knows his only weakness.
Dwayne looks puzzled, and asks what it is.
"Come closer" says the kid.
Dwayne leans in, and the kid shows him his open palm. Dwayne looks confused, and the next second the kid slaps him full power across the face.
"Paper beats rock."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young boy passes a brothel on his way home from school when
the lady of the house leans forward and waves her pinky finger at him. "Hi little boy", she laughs.
He asks her, "why do you wave like that?"
She holds up her pinky finger again, "well, that's how little 'it' is".
The next day the boy strolls by and the lady does the same. "Hi little boy" she jests, waving her pinky finger in the air.
The little boy puts a finger in each corner of his mouth, stretching it as wide as possible and says, "hiya big lady".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly Rabbi and an elderly Priest are good friends in the retirement home.
One day the priest asks, "So tell me, Benjamin, be honest now, have you ever had bacon?" The old rabbi sighs and leans back, "Ashamedly yes. One day, In my youth, I gave into temptation and had bacon wrapped shrimp with cheese sauce....Now tell me Sean, be honest now, have you ever had s**...?" The old priest sighs, leans back and says, "For my sins, yes. Once, in my youth, I gave into temptation and had a one night stand my housekeeper." The Rabbi leans in closer, "It's better than bacon, isn't it."
A man rides a pony into a bar
A man charges through the front door of his local saloon, perched on the back of a pony. He rushes to the bar and says Bartender, I need a hot tea, as quick as you can!
The bartender, taken aback, says Sir! You can't ride that thing in here! And why do you so desperately need a hot tea?!
The man leans forward, looks the bartender square in the eye, and slowly pets the pony's mane.
Mister , he exclaims, I'm feeling a little horse .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.
The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have b**... sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank you, I want just the bread.'
The clerk asks: 'OK, but tell me - why the bread? I never imagined vampires like bread so much.'
The vampire looks at him, leans closer and says: "There is a huge car c**... at the intersection. I want to dip.'
The numbers game
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. 'Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!' goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:
'Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!'
