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Leaned Jokes

84 leaned jokes and hilarious leaned puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about leaned that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Leaned Short Jokes

Short leaned jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The leaned humour may include short leaning jokes also.

  1. What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef.
    What do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground beef.
    What do you call a cow with two legs?
    Yo momma.
  2. What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef!
    A cow with no legs?
    Ground beef!
    A cow with 2 legs?
    YO MAMA
  3. Every time I put my key in the ignition, a light comes on that says, "depress clutch to start." So I lean down and tell the clutch, "Everybody likes brake and accelerater better than you."
  4. Einstein is on a train leaving New York. He leans over to another passenger and asks, "excuse me, do you know if Boston stops at this train?"
  5. The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza. Now they'll have the time as well as the inclination.
  6. What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef.
    What do you call a cow with one leg?
    Steak.
    What do you call a cow with two legs?
    Your mom.
  7. Sometimes, I will squat to the floor, hug my legs, and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
  8. An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:
    Where were you on the night of October to April?
  9. Sometimes I put my head in between my both my legs and lean forward... ...because that's how I roll
  10. A senior citizen is sitting at a bar.. A young woman walks in and sits down a couple seats over. The old man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans over and asks "So, do I come here often?"

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Leaned One Liners

Which leaned one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with leaned? I can suggest the ones about leans and lifted.

  1. Sometimes I tuck my knees up into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
  2. Why does the Leaning Tower of pisa lean? Because it's Italic.
  3. "Talk dirty to me!"she begged. "Alright," he said leaning closer, "Volkswagon diesel!"
  4. Beer doesn't make you fat It makes you lean; against walls, doors, toilets, etc.
  5. If you see someone doing a crossword Lean over and tell them seven up is Lemon-lime
  6. Why is the leaning tower of Pisa in Italy? It's Italicized
  7. Why is the tower of Pisa leaning? Cause it has better reflexes than the twin towers.
  8. Sometimes I like to grab my ankles and lean forward But that's just how I roll.
  9. Why do the Pakistanis love lean cows? Because they are moo-slim.
  10. what do you call a cow with two legs? lean beef.
  11. Opportunity only knocks once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.
  12. Beer makes you lean On walls, toilet, and refrigerators
  13. Since I lost weight I've stopped giving money to the homeless. Lean and mean.
  14. They asked me not to lean over the edge of that tower in Paris. Eiffel.
  15. Why is the tower of Pisa leaning? Becouse she was faster then the Twin Towers.

Leaned joke, Why is the tower of Pisa leaning?

Hilarious Fun Leaned Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter

What funny jokes about leaned you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pondered jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make leaned pranks.

The usher in church greets one of their members...

and says "Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"
The member says,"I am in the Lord's army".
The usher asked,"Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"
The member leaned over and whispered,"I'm in the Secret Service."

Taxi Story

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

The Silent f**...

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.
She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent f**.... What do you think I should do?"
He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

I'm not trying to say that the customer service in my bank is bad...

But when i went in the other day, and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me.

I was at the dentist yesterday

As he was inspecting my teeth, he poked and prodded and scraped one of my back molars that was particularly sore. He leaned closer for a better look, and said to me, "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen! That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen!"
I was kind of offended. "Doc, I'm not s**... or deaf, you didn't have to repeat yourself."
"I wasn't repeating myself, that was the echo!"

True Story from South Carolina

A real estate agent said she saw a for sale sign leaned against a stump in front of a house. She saw a car in the driveway and decided to stop and inquire about the property. She rang the bell, an old man appeared, she explained who she was and asked how much the house was listed for. The old man laughed and said "Lady the house aint for sale, the stump is."

A little girl walked into a pet shop and asked in the sweetest lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shop keeper's heart melted, he got down on his knees to her level, asking: "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like this cute widdle bwown wabbit over here?"
The little girl leaned forward and said: "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

A man approached the check in counter

A man approached the check in counter, he had a flight booked to Miami. He leaned over to the lady and said "Miss I have a special request, I would like my green bag to go to London, and my red bag to go to Hawaii"
Confused, the check in lady said "I'm sorry sir we can't do that"
The man responded "Thats great news, because thats what happened last time"

Terrifying Story

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".

A sailor is being asked by a reporter

"Was there ever a situation in your voyages when you were afraid?"
"Yeah, once we were transporting a container of 500.000 dolls. A storm just started and the ship leaned hard on its side. At that moment all the dolls cried "MAMA"...That's when I s**... myself with fear."

An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear "Give us a kiss, luv!"

"No!", replied the nurse
"Oh go on!", said the man
"No!", replied the nurse again
"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick p**... on the cheek?"
"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be w**... you off!"

A car broke down on a Native Reservation...

...so the driver got out to see what was going on. He lifted the hood, looked in, and noticed there was something wrong with the motor piston. Without any tools or cell service, he sighed, shut the hood and leaned on his car and waited for a passerby. Finally, a truck came around the bend so he waved it down and the truck pulled over. Inside was a few Native Americans, and asked, "what's wrong?"
"Piston broke", he replied.
"So are we. Get in."

David Cameron: Tax evasion is morally wrong, I leaned that from my father.

The tax evasion bit, not the morally wrong bit.

My girlfriend invites me to her home, and she wasn't there, but her sister, who leaned in and said:

''We should have s**... right here, when my sister isn't here.'', I got up, and ran to my car, when my girlfriend stood there with a smile. ''I knew I could trust you!'' she said when she hugged me and kissed me passionate.
Moral of the story: Always keep condoms in the car.

Did you hear about the Doctor who fell down the well?

He was taking a break at work and leaned too far over a well and fell right in! Guess he should have tended to the sick and left the well alone.

A doctor was visiting a patient

She asked him 'doctor am I going to die?'
Out of pity the doctor told her the truth, 'we are all dying slowly, some just faster than others.'
The patient said, 'how fast am I dying.'
The doctor leaned over and said 'you are the usain bolt of dying.'

First Pitch or ...

One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the baseball diamond. When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you that you get to throw out the first pitch."

Just saw a poor girl crying in the library, devastated about something.

So I pulled up a chair, leaned in and said "You can shut up or go outside, I've got an exam tomorrow".

My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things in her ear...

So I leaned forward and said: "dishes, bathroom and laundry."

A married couple came upon a wishing well

The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a quarter. The wife decided to make a wish, too but she leaned over too far, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

A man leaned sadly against a wall.

His friend came up to him.
Friend: "Hey, whatcha doing?"
Man: "Practicing being rejected."
Friend: "By yourself?"
Man: "I asked a girl if she could help me, and she said no!"

So there were a group of guys drinking at a bar...

When another customer leaned over and asked what they were celebrating.
"My buddy here is going to be a Doctor!"
"Really? What specialty?"
"He's going to be a gynecologist!"
"Really? I was this close to being a gynecologist!" He said, holding his fingers about an inch apart.
"What did you end up doing?"
"I'm a proctologist."

Father Sullivan and Rabbi Cohen were sitting on a park bench discussing the differences and similarities of their respective religions.

After some time, a young boy rode by on a bicycle. Father Sullivan leaned over and whispered to Rabbi Cohen, wow look that kid, I'd really like to screw him.
To which Rabbi Cohen replied, what do you mean 'screw him'? Screw him out of WHAT?

Once when I was a teenager

...I stopped at the drugstore to purchase some of those "necessary supplies." I told the pharmacist, "Better give me a dozen, I've got a hot date tonight with the school t**...!" When I got to her house, her mother insisted I join them for dinner. I offered to say grace, and I prayed and prayed and prayed. When I finished, my date leaned over to me and said, "Why, Paul! I had no idea you were so religious!" I replied, "And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

A rabbi and a priest

A rabbi and a priest were at a communal dinner when a dish of roast pork was served.
The priest leaned into the rabbi's ear and whispered, "You planning on eating that buddy?"
The rabbi chuckled and replied, "Not today. But I'm definitely planning to have some at your wedding."

During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

Wow, that's impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.
"Oh, I know", replied Melania, but neither does the parrot."

What is one thing you leaned how it was made, and then wish you didn't know how it was made?

First world countries.

A serial r**... was caught and put on trial

and the prosecutor asked the r**... "What inspired you to do what you did?"
He replied, "Your honor, I couldn't have r**... those women because I am gay!"
A look of relief spread across the judge's face and he leaned back contently in his chair... "Finally, some biblical justification to punish you!"

Smart waitress

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

Snail hunting

This is an old joke my father used to tell me.
A German, Spaniard, and Frenchman all decide to go snail hunting. After an hour had passed they meet back together to compare their catch. The German had a full bucket and the Spaniard had half a bucket, but the Frenchman's bucket was empty.
"Where are your snails?"
"I found a lot of them, but every time I leaned over to grab one, WHOOOOOSH it was gone"

She was 18 and he was 35.

Just the two of them. She knew that today is the day, she had been waiting for it. He laid her on her back and leaned above her. She got goosebumps and sweaty palms.
I'm scared she said quietly.
You'll be fine, i'll be quick he replied.
Within a few minutes the tooth was out and she could get up from the dentists' chair.

A nail walks into a bar...

What would you like? The bartender asked.
And so the nail ordered many drinks. After a great many drinks the bartender went to approach the nail again and advice him to go home. To his surprise the nail was nowhere to be seen. Naturally, the bartender leaned over the counter to see the nail buried within the floorboards.
My, what's happened here? The bartender asked.
I'm hammered, the nail replied.

The Pope and Trump are in front of a large crowd

The Pope leaned over to Trump and whispered in his ear, With one wave of my hand everyone in this room will rejoice.
Trump whispered back, Prove it.
So the Pope raised his hand and slapped him.

Today, I got to kiss my crush. I leaned in, ready for the big moment, with the suspense building up...

Then my lips hit the mirror

I gave my girlfriend the last of my pancake today

She leaned over in a whisper and said,
"Pancucked"
I honestly didn't expect it and I almost died.

Meanwhile at the bar

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"

"Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the STD clinic."

A jewish father was on his death bed with his family around him...

He whispered
"son, come close"
And his son leaned forward so he's inches away from his father. The father grabs a watch from his night stand, a very fancy one, and whispers
"son, this watch has been worn by multiple generations, your great grandfather, your grandfather, and me."
The son with tears on his face says
"Yes father, what about it"
And his father, with his last breaths says:
"We'll, son... Wanna buy it?"

A man and a woman were sitting next to each other in bar.

They were having a casual conversation when she suddenly leaned over and asked him, "You smell amazing, what do you have on?"
The man smiled an impish grin and replied, "I have a hard-on but I didn't know you could smell it!"

How many wives

Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?"
His friend answered, "Sixteen... four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:
Burrr… gurrr… King.

I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.

Once a boy leaned to pick up something lying on the floor holding his collars stuck to his chest

Father: Son why are you holding your collar?
Son: Once Miss Hannah forgot to hold up her collar and both her lungs came out and dropped down.

This hideous woman came stumbling up to me in a club with whiskey breath. She leaned into my ear.

"s**...?" she asked.
"Male," I replied.

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw in your laundry.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."
We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."

There was a Russian man who was a collector of supernatural oddities.

An American man heard about him, and decided to try his luck at making a quick buck. He arranged a meeting, and presented a thin gauzy cloth to the man.
"This may look like cloth, but it is actually 100%, genuine ghost skin."
The Russian man leaned in, carefully examining the cloth, and running his finger lightly across it. He then turned and looked the American square in the eyes.
"I call boo sheet."

She dimmed the lights. She leaned in. She looked straight into my eyes.

I kissed her.
And now I am arrested by the police for misbehaving with the optician.

A Mathematician, an Electrician and a Lawyer are having a job interview.

The Interviewer asked the three Men, "What's the answer to one plus one?"
The Mathematician instantly replied, "Two!"
The Electrician went away, measured lots of things, and eventually came back and gladly said, "Two"
The lawyer looked around, closed the door, leaned in towards the interviewer, and quietly said, "What would you like it to be?"

Watch where you eat or it'll watch you

I ordered Chinese from a local place, went to pick it up and as I was driving home, heard the bags rustling and moving
I thought w**... is that?
Has something gotten into the bag?
I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
I was driving so I pulled over, leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the orange chicken!
I thought it's got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down.
And there it was
A Peeking Duck

Two electricians are standing on a ladder leaned against a utility pole...

...when an elderly lady was passing below them. One of the electricians calls her.
\- Excuse me, ma'm! Could you pass us that wire, so we don't have to climb down?
\- This one, young man?
\- Yes, that one! Thank you so much, ma'm, you're very kind!
\- No problem, dear!
After the lady passed him the wire, and left, the electrician tells his mate:
\- See, Fred? I told you this was the neutral wire, but no, you had to insist that it was the phase line!

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.

She leaned over and whispered, "They're right behind you. . ."

I was once in a pretty serious relationship with a cake

We went on several dates over the course of a few weeks. The chemistry was great and I thought we really had a connection. One special night I leaned in close to my cake and whispered, I love you."

The cake burst into tiers.

Two old ladies are sitting at church ...

One of the ladies leaned over and whispered "the sermon is so long my b**... fell asleep". Her friend whispered back "I know, I heard it snoring."

Today I leaned it is not appropriate to call your brothers boyfriend

A brotherfucker.

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, Are all of those kids yours? He replied, No, I work for a c**... company. These are customer complaints.

A man walked into a pharmacy.

"Do you have anything to cure hiccups?" he asked.
The pharmacist didn't reply.
Again, the man asked "Excuse me, I asked if you have anything for hiccups?"
Still the pharmacist stayed silent.
The man started getting annoyed. "Can you hear me? I'm looking for something fo-"
Suddenly the pharmacist leaned over the counter and slapped the man across his face.
"There, you're not hiccuping anymore, are you?!" The pharmacist said triumphantly.
The man replied angrily "No but my wife waiting in the car is."

I ordered from this Chinese restaurant recently

(won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home heard the bags rustling and moving. I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
Because I was driving at the time, I pulled over, leaned forward picked the bag up put it on the passenger seat and there it was again more rustling and little eyes looking out from the bag. I thought it's got to be a rat or mouse or something so I carefully pulled the bag open....And there it was ...
A peeking duck.

I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.

We walked through the door and I handed him our card:
"Barney. Talking dog."
The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."
"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"
"Rough."
"What goes on top of a house?"
"Roof."
"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth."
Just then the agent grabbed us both and tossed us out into the street.
Barney was just sitting there, looking forlornly at the ground and shaking his head.
"Knew I should have said Hank Aaron."

Went to a Pentecostal church recently

And was sitting there as the pastor approached and told me, You will walk today. I told him, I'm not crippled. He leaned in and insisted, You WILL walk today! I simply nodded. But when I went to the parking lot, I saw someone had stolen my truck.

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house the week before Christmas.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.
The younger boy began praying at the top of his voice. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE!"
the older brother leaned over and nudged his younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
"No, but Grandma is!" the little brother replied

As a good deed, I leaned over and hugged someone who looked disappointed.

The guy at the u**... didn't seem to appreciate it, though.

Bar

One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he used to work, when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came in and sat next to him. She told him she had just had a fight with her husband, a police officer, and needed to get out of the house for a while.
They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned over to John. "Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about six-five just walked in. And he's got a gun."
Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he said, "kiss me on the lips."

Got a Tinder match.

Our first meet up, we were standing there when she leaned closer and whispered, I see that bulge in your jeans. If you pull that out, maybe we'll BOTH have a nice evening.
So, I pulled out my wallet and paid for both movie tickets.

I visited the library the other day.

I asked the librarian where the books on paranoid delusions were kept.
She leaned in close to me and whispered,
"They're behind you!"

Seminar

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. He addressed the men: For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower? Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it? The rest of the story is not pleasant.

Judge

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. Isn't it true, he bellowed, that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
The prosecutor again blared, Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, Sir, please answer the question.
Oh, the startled witness said, I thought he was talking to you.

50 Jokes for 50 US States Part II

# Alaska
An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, 'Where were you on the night of October to April?'
Disclaimer: This is not my joke. And I sure hope that its not a repost from any of the subs. I am sure that there will be numerous variations out there. So just wanted to let you know that I read it on Reader's Digest Issue 1/09, finding it funny, I wanted to share with the jokers here.

A woman sat next to a man at a bar

She leaned over and whispered into his ear "I want you to make me feel like a real woman."
The man finished his beer, stood up, took off his shirt & said "I need this ironed."

Leaned joke, A woman sat next to a man at a bar