Leads Jokes

111 leads jokes and hilarious leads puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about leads that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Leads Short Jokes

Short leads jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The leads humour may include short leading jokes also.

  1. For all you non-native English speakers out there... "Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".
  2. My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week. We buried him with a heavy heart.
  3. why do monarchs feel so important? Because small changes in their initial conditions can lead to large-scale and unpredictable variation in the future state of the system.
  4. Did you hear about the chemist who died of lead poisoning? He tried to make himself a Pb&J sandwich
  5. I like metal bands with female lead singers... Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.
  6. Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.
  7. How do you distinguish between a news reporter and a chemist.... Ask them to pronounce "lead".
  8. Whistles I bought a wooden whistle...
    But it wooden whistle
    So I bought a steel whistle...
    But it steel wooden whistle
    Then I bought a lead whistle...
    But it steel wooden lead me whistle!
  9. Why are programmers so good at poetry? Well, all words rhyme in binary.
  10. Silver and lead are sitting at a bar and gold walks in. Silver yells " au, get outta here! "

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Leads One Liners

Which leads one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with leads? I can suggest the ones about leader and headed.

  1. What's the leading cause of dry skin ...towel
  2. How do you turn lead into gold? Start a war.
  3. You can lead a horse to water, but in Flint the water will be lead.
  4. Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped! The Police still have no lead.
  5. Did you guys know Sting has gone missing? The Police have no lead.
  6. Why do archaeologist lead sad lives? Because their career lies in ruins.
  7. What's the leading cause of obesity in women? Wedding rings
  8. I auditioned for a musical about the periodic table I got the lead role!
  9. Sting was kidnapped last night... The Police are looking for a lead.
  10. Do you know the leading cause of homelessness among Eskimos? Housewarming parties..
  11. Recent study shows leading cause of dehydration in children: Bedtime.
  12. Why do the best swimmers come from Flint, Michigan? Because they're always in the lead.
  13. How does the lead singer of Nickelback prove his identity? "Look at this photograph"
  14. What is the leading cause of divorce? Marriage.
  15. What's the leading cause of dry skin? A towel

Leads joke, What's the leading cause of dry skin?

Comedy Leads Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle

What funny jokes about leads you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean leans jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make leads pranks.

Local police canine unit got all their leashes stolen today.

However, the case had to be closed due to the police having no leads.

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican...

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican
and because they are the seven dwarfs,
they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope,
'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency,
but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,
thinks for a moment and answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ...'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares,
silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship,
are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now,
again thinks for a moment and then answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ...
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them
with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope!
Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says,
'I'm sorry, my son,
there are no dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap,
rolling and laughing, pounding the floor,
tears rolling down their cheeks,
as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy s**... a penguin!'
'Grumpy s**... a penguin!'

Mahatma Gandhi...

...walked barefoot a lot, which probably produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. I've heard he also ate very little, which could have made him rather frail. The odd diet he kept leads me to believe he suffered from bad breath. I suppose you could have called him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A priest meets a drunk outside a bar.

The drunk claims to be Jesus, but the priest doesn't believe him. The drunk insists, so the priest demands the drunk prove it. At this, the drunk leads the priest into the bar, upon which the bartender exclaims in disbelief "Jesus Christ, not you again."

Passionate kiss is like spider web

leads to undoing of fly.

Familiarity on the job.

A manager in a large company noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Did you hear about the dog-walker that went missing?

Police say they are following a few leads.

A man goes into confession...

Man - "Father I have sinned. I had s**... out of wedlock."
Father - "Oh that is bad. Who was it with?"
Man - "Oh no, I don't want to say who it was."
Father - "Well was it Mary?"
Man - "No no sir it wasn't Mary."
Father - "Well than it must've been Susie."
Man - "No father it wasn't Susie. I don't really want to say."
Father - "Ok just go ten hail Marys then you should be ok."
The man goes outside and sees his friends waiting for him.
Friends - "How was it?"
Man - "Not bad, I got two great leads!"

Three shepherds

Three shepherds are up in the hills one night and meet up to have a drink. One thing leads to another and eventually one asks, "Have you ever, you know, with the sheep?". And they all look at the ground and mumble that they have. And a few drinks later one asks what their favourite position with the sheep is. So the first says he likes to get the sheep's back legs in his rubber boots and go at it. And the second nods his head and agrees. Then they look at the third and ask him if it's the same for him.
To which he replies, "And miss out on the kissing?"

A Pope and a Jewish Accountant die...

So a Jewish accountant and the Pope die at the same time, and arrive at the pearly gates simultaneously. So St. Peter takes the two of them to where they will be staying for the rest of eternity. Peter leads the accountant to a huge palace, with dames and a heavenly garden. He then leads the Pope to a little shack. The Pope says, "After all of my life's dedication, I get this?" And St. Peter says, "Your Holiness, we have many Popes up here, but this is the first Jewish accountant!"

Favourite football/soccer teams

What's an arthroplasty surgeon's favourite football team? Ipswich Town
What's a jockey's favourite football team? Derby
What's a detective's favourite football team? Leads United
What's a fossil's favourite football team? S'underland
What's a stale meat's favourite football team? Oldham
What's a fit, balding person's favourite football team? Wigan Athletic
What's a pirate's favourite football team? Loot-on (Luton) Town

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.
The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"
So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.
"See that big rock there?" He asks.
The other bat nods.
"I didn't."

"Son, I have some good news and some bad news."

"OK..." he hesitated.
"Well, the good news is...I got you a replacement hamster." I said.
"A...replacement..?" he stopped, as a tear ran down his cheek.
"Yes, and that leads me to the bad news," I added, "You are adopted."

250 dogs escaped from the SPCA

Police are following a number of leads.

I'm directing a film...

... And starring in it, as a shaggy groundskeeper from Northern New England who leads midnight raids on the estate's garden.
I'm the main character, mane caretaker, Maine carrot-taker.

What does a Maple Leads fan do after his team wins the Stanley Cup?

He turns off his Xbox and goes back to bed.

Three of the ugliest people in town were found beaten and lying in the gutter...

Police don't have any leads yet, but they think it was a facially motivated crime

Don't have shower s**...

It's a slippery slope that leads to bath things

A drunk walks up to two priests.

He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The priest shakes his head. "No son, you're not." The drunk goes up to the second priest. "I'm Jesus Christ."
The second priest gives the same answer.
The drunk glares at them for a second. "Look I can prove it. Follow me." He leads them to a bar and walks inside. The bartender takes one look at him and says "Jesus Christ, you're here again?!"

Purchasing a rain barrel often leads to buying more water collecting devices

I guess you could say a rain barrel is a gateway jug.
(Modified from a story heard on NPR) : )

Why couldn't the police solve the case of the flat car battery?

They had no leads.

The US is waking up to news of Brexit 'Vote Leave' win...

Bill Clinton leads 'BJ for Prime Minister' calls.

Spooning leads to forking

But if you fork the wrong dish, you could get knifed.

TIL that vaccines contain a small amount of mercury, a chemical component that leads to autism.

-Idiotic Soccer Mom, 2k16

A boy goes to confessional...

Boy: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been 1 week since my last confession."
Father: "What is your sin?"
Boy: "Fornication with a girl in the parish."
Father: "What girl?"
Boy: "I won't say"
Father: "Was it Sally?"
Boy: "I'm not telling!"
Father: "It was Jane, wasn't it."
Boy: "I'm not going to say!"
Father: "It had to be Jessica"
Boy: "Father, I'm not going to tell you!"
Father: "Fine. Do 3 Hail Mary's and sin no more."
Boy leaves confessional and returns to a friend who is waiting for him on the pew.
Friend: "How'd it go in there?"
Boy: "Went great! I got three new leads!"

A drunk man is stumbling around outside...

He smells of beer and looks absolutely plastered. A priest walks by and asks him why he's getting drunk so early in the day. The man wobbles a bit and belches out "Why, I'm your lord and savior". The priest is, obviously, unconvinced and begins to walk away. The drunk calls out "Look, I'll prove it!" The drunk leads the priest into the building closest to them, a bar. The bartender looks over at the man in shock and says...
"*Jesus christ*! You're back here again?!"

A Young Man in Confessional

A young man walks into confessional.
Tommy: "Bless me father for I have sinned. I've been with a loose woman."
Priest: "Is that you, Tommy? Who was it then?"
Tommy: "I can't tell you father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Priest: "Was it Brenda?"
Tommy: "No, Father"
Priest: "Was it Fiona?"
Tommy: "No."
Priest: "Mary, then?"
Tommy: "No no."
Priest: "Very well then. Say five 'Our Fathers' and four 'Hail Marys."
Tommy went back to his pew. His friend leaned over.
Friend: "So, what happened?"
Tommy: "I got five 'Our Fathers,' four 'Hail Mary's,' and three good leads.

My sister would make a great politician...

...she avoids directly answering questions and always leads the blame to someone else, whether she has proof or not.

Doggy Sherlock Holmes was investigating a case...

Doggy Sherlock: Any leads?
Doggy Watson: Yes, Holmes. Two.
Doggy Sherlock: Excellent, lets take them and go walkies.

"Suspect is an elder female with an extensive criminal background..."

"We don't have any leads, but we'll search every crook and nanny until we find her."

A bad detective will never be able to jump start a car...

They can't find any leads!

A man walks into a bar with his dog

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.
'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done".

Why was the Buddhist sad when he was asked to send his resume to the company as a word document via email?

Attachment leads to suffering.

A blonde calls the front desk of her hotel in a panic.

"Help! I'm trapped in my room!" she says. "How do I get out?"
The clerk at the front desk says, "just go out the door."
"I tried," she says "but one just leads to the bathroom, and the other has a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on it!"

So a farmer walks into a bar with a horse...

He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."
A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."
The man shouts, "You're on!"
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"
The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."

What leads people to Rome?

The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.

Which s**... position leads to ugly children?

Why are you looking at me? Ask your mother

A guy and a girl go on a date and things get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place...

Some flirting and fooling around later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. Watching all this the girl says, You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, replies, Why yes actually. How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she says, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
To which she responds,
"Didn't feel a thing."

What's it called when a woman's birth control impairs her driving and leads to her arrest?


A pastor was giving a sermon on the evils of alcohol.

After endless anecdotes about its evils and dozens of bible passages regarding its sinfulness he concludes quite passionately that if it were up to him he'd dump all the town's booze into the river.
Following this display the organist leads the congregation in a hymn. They sang Shall we gather at the river?

In the original 'Good Will Hunting' script, there is a surprise gay s**... scene between the two straight leads. It was purposely put there as a test to see if studios actually read the script. Harvey Weinstein was the only producer who mentioned the scene

Weinstein said that the s**... scene usually takes place before he approves a movie

Taste of Love

After 10 years of marriage John decides to spice up his s**... life.
He buys various flavored condoms and when he comes home he blindfolds his wife and leads her to the bedroom.
Mary, I want you to go down on me and tell me what flavor c**... I'm wearing!
Wait wait let me put one on first!

Cop Pursuit

Man in boxers leads police on brief chase

Did you guys hear about the Alabama senate race? So far the Democrat leads by 8 points.

If the lead goes into the 12-14 range, Roy Moore might want to date it.

Did y'all hear about...

Did y'all hear about the guys that broke into the police headquarters last week?
No? Well they stole all the toilets. The cops have no leads and nothing to go on.

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

What do you call it when you blow off all your responsibilities and it leads to disaster?

A shirknado.

Did anyone hear that Sting went missing?

Right now The Police have no leads.

Lame search

Guy dies of heart attack and goes straight to the line that leads to the gates of heaven. When in there, the guy immediately behind him asks him: hey, what did you die of? He says: oh, I got earlier from work at home, saw some man's clothes in my house, thought my wife was cheating on me and started searching around the house for her lover, couldn't find him, got really stressed out in the process, had a heart attack and ended up here. To which the other guy says: dude, had you looked in the fridge we'd both be alive now.

I want to make a movie about a woman....

Who leads a totally normal life.
I'll call it SaraNormal Activity.

There was a pet shop burglary near where I live the other night

The police say they don't have any leads

Wich s**... position leads to ugly children?

I don't know either, ask your mother.

A grape is kidnapped and dies of dehydration

At the f**..., the wife of the grape asks if the policegrape has any leads, to which he responds.
"I'm sorry Ma'am, I can't comment on currant investigations"

Why is it dangerous to have more than one violin in your house?

Because it leads to domestic violins.
(From my 9 year old...)

m**... always leads to s**.......

It's a gateway tug...

What do you call the passage that leads to Indian guys' apartment?

A currydoor!

TIL: Powdered Sugar Is Combustible

...which leads me to believe that saccharin could cause a healthy e**....

Police are investigating who stole the Thanksgiving turkey...

Right now there is no leads... But they suspect FOWL Play..

Love leads to amazing things. I'm 21 and my gf is 8..

Months pregnant

How do you make sure the God of Death wins a foot race?

Start smoking. It leads to a quicker Death.

What military officer leads the nation of corn?

The kernel


leads to forking

A guy and a girl meet at a bar……

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....
"Didn't feel a thing."

My dad died last year. among the things he left us in his Legacy :

were some jump leads,
a tartan blanket
and the original subaru owners manual.

Many years ago I tried to get into the local nightclub on a saturday night, but the guy on the door wouldn't let me in because I wasn't wearing a tie.

Many years ago I tried to get into the local nightclub on a saturday night, but the guy on the door wouldn't let me in because I wasn't wearing a tie. So I went back to my car and wrapped my jumper leads around my neck, and tried my luck again. The guy on the door said "o.k, you can come in, but don't start anything"

A man checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.

Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?
The desk clerk says, Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?
The person says, Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it.

A woman visits a monastery

She asks the head monk a few questions about improving her concentration in her daily life, but the monk says the answer is too long. He offers to e-mail her later, which leads her to ask, "Are monks allowed to use e-mail?" to which the monk replies, "Sure, as long as they don't have any attachments."

A crazy guy went inside a police station

A crazy guy went inside a police station and stole all the K-9 units' leashes. Police says they have no leads

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the m**... case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

I never really like going to funerals

Every conversations i had leads to a dead end

20 dogs were stolen from a pet store

Police say, there are no leads.

I live near h**..., Michigan. Driving home today, we went past a sign pointing down a road that leads to h**....

My dad pointed to it and said, That road goes to h**.... Know how you can tell? This is asphalt and that's good intentions.

You walk into a bar and see Rick Astley sitting alone

You sit next to him and start talking
Eventually, the conversation leads to talk of your favorite Pixar movies
Rick tells you that his favorite of all time is Up, he even owns a physical copy of the movie with bonus features
You say that you've always wanted to see it but never have
He says it's a great movie, you have to see it
Nervously, you ask Rick if you can borrow his copy of the movie
He says no
He's never gonna give you up
In doing so, he has let you down
*This is the Astley paradox*

A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

I've recently started investing in stocks

I hope this leads to me finally becoming a bouillonaire someday.

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the h**... have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'

Very thin tie

A guy was stopped at the door of the club by the doorman.
Sorry no tie, you can't come in, says the doorman.
The guy ran back to his car, got a set of jump leads, wrapped them round his neck and retuned to the club.
I've got a tie on now, so can I go in? He asks the doorman.
Ok, he says, but don't be starting anything.

I can't stop watching movies with strong female leads

I'm a heroine addict

A man broke into Battersea Dog's Home and released all the dogs.

Police are desperately searching for leads.

WANTED: A mysterious man keeps waking me up whenever I'm about to sleep!

25,000 dollar reward for information if it leads to a rest.

What s**... position leads to ugly babies?

Idk ask your mom

Leads joke, What s**... position leads to ugly babies?

jokes about leads