Leading Jokes
90 leading jokes and hilarious leading puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about leading that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Leading Short Jokes
Short leading jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The leading humour may include short leads jokes also.
- For all you non-native English speakers out there... "Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".
- My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week. We buried him with a heavy heart.
- why do monarchs feel so important? Because small changes in their initial conditions can lead to large-scale and unpredictable variation in the future state of the system.
- Did you hear about the chemist who died of lead poisoning? He tried to make himself a Pb&J sandwich
- I like metal bands with female lead singers... Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.
- Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.
- How do you distinguish between a news reporter and a chemist.... Ask them to pronounce "lead".
- Whistles I bought a wooden whistle...
But it wooden whistle
So I bought a steel whistle...
But it steel wooden whistle
Then I bought a lead whistle...
But it steel wooden lead me whistle! - Why are programmers so good at poetry? Well, all words rhyme in binary.
- Silver and lead are sitting at a bar and gold walks in. Silver yells " au, get outta here! "
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Leading One Liners
Which leading one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with leading? I can suggest the ones about headed and ahead.
- What's the leading cause of dry skin ...towel
Credits:dads - How do you turn lead into gold? Start a war.
- You can lead a horse to water, but in Flint the water will be lead.
- Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped! The Police still have no lead.
- Did you guys know Sting has gone missing? The Police have no lead.
- Why do archaeologist lead sad lives? Because their career lies in ruins.
- What's the leading cause of obesity in women? Wedding rings
- I auditioned for a musical about the periodic table I got the lead role!
- Sting was kidnapped last night... The Police are looking for a lead.
- Do you know the leading cause of homelessness among Eskimos? Housewarming parties..
- Recent study shows leading cause of dehydration in children: Bedtime.
- Why do the best swimmers come from Flint, Michigan? Because they're always in the lead.
- How does the lead singer of Nickelback prove his identity? "Look at this photograph"
- What is the leading cause of divorce? Marriage.
- What's the leading cause of dry skin? A towel
Hilarious Leading Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about leading you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean prime jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make leading pranks.
What's the leading cause of p**...?
s**... children.
Biochem professor told me this one today... Who is the all time leading scorer in hockey history?
-(Answer)
-No, no its not him. Its a Japanese guy, the name's Eshutsi.
-Eshutsi? I've never heard of him....
-You haven't? How many times have you heard the announcer say "He shoots he scores!!!"
The world's leading scientists build a lie-detecting machine...
...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.
They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I think—" and drops dead.
What's the leading cause of violence in America?
I was with some friends and we started talking about movies.
One of my friends mentioned that the sets in old Westerns were often built slightly smaller than normal to make the leading man appear larger. I said that that would make sense because I heard that John Wayne, while filming a scene with his co-star, complained that the town wasn't big enough for the two of them.
30th Anniversary
A man decides to buy flowers for his wife for their 30th wedding anniversary. He walks in the door and finds rose petals leading to the bedroom. Curious he walks in and finds his wife spread eagle on the bed in a brand new negligee. "What's all this about?" he asks. In her sexiest voice she says, "Well, I knew you would bring home flowers like you always do. This is for the flowers."
"Don't be silly," he says, "I'm sure we have a vase for these somewhere."
Tour guide in the mountain
A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours. The descent, again depending on your skill level, takes anywhere between 4 hours and 30 seconds."
Men's Room, Men's Rules
A long line leading to the ladies' room greeted my friend's wife. Since desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend took her into the empty men's room, then stood guard. When she exited a few minutes later, a man waiting his turn called out, I hope you remembered to put up the toilet seat.
Shower s**... in Detroit
In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had s**... in the shower.In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries outfit, 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had, if not enjoyed, s**... in the shower. The other 14% said they haven't yet served any time in prison.
What's the leading cause of Nigerian immigration?
The wind.
Splitting the Red Sea
Moses was leading the Jews while being chased by the Pharaoh and his men. In a moment of foolishness, he walked right up to the Red Sea. They were trapped.
"God d**...," said Moses.
So God did.
You know what the number one leading cause of p**... is, right?
s**... kids.
(Pro Tip: I tell this to every single one of my First Dates. It's my Late 20s testing threshold for whether or not they'll tolerate me for very long.)
Have you heard of the Austrian man Duerf?
He was the world's leading reverse psychologist
I had a great conversation with the world's leading brain surgeon..
Best cab ride ever
ISIS commander to troops
ISIS commander: Do you guys know what the leading cause of goat r**... is?
Troops: No, what?
ISIS commander: s**... Goats ;)
I heard the band Europe wrote a song about the days leading to the end-of-semester exams.
It was the finals countdown.
:D
A leading rabbi has ruled that m**... is kosher
Now we know what kids are gonna be doing for the Jewish High Holidays...
How is the Middle East not leading the world in wind energy...
... they have almost one turban per person.
What's the leading cause of death among wizards?
Staff infection
Why did Hannibal invade Rome? [OC]
Well it was kinda hard to avoid, what will all roads leading there and what not.
International Contest
Great Britain and the USA are having a contest about who can mess up their country the most. Britain is leading, but the USA have a Trump card.
A group of crows framed my friend, ultimately leading to his death
I swear I'll find the m**... who criminalized him!
TIFU from my dyslexia leading me on the wrong transit.
Oops, wrong bus.
Two Soviet commandos were crawling through a minefield.
Ivanka was leading Vladimir through a belly-crawl in a minefield.
Vladimir spoke, "Ivanka, your mother must have been a ballerina."
"Why?"
"Because of your beautiful legs."
Ivanka replied, "And your father must have been a farmer."
"Why?"
"Because of the deep furrow you're leaving."
Have you heard about Dr. Ohm?
Last I heard he was leading the resistance.
Depression in Mexico
There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.
Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.
Why dogs don't marry?
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
How does a Canadian demand an apology?
Leading by example.
A drunk man is pulled over by a policeman at 2am
The policeman asks, "hey there, may I ask where you're headed?"
"I'm off to a conference about the effects of alcohol. How it affects relationships, the economy, how it has an effect on my children."
"And who, may I ask is leading this conference at this hour?" Asks the policeman.
"My wife when I get home."
To be fair Theresa May warned of a coalition of chaos propped up by extremist t**... sympathisers
She just didn't say she'd be leading it
How do you know there are no Asians leading the White Walker armies in Game of Thrones?
Because two Wongs don't make a wight.
Question about baby expert Dr. Spock
Given that Dr. Benjamin Spock was one of the leading experts in pregnancy and early childhood, having written a famous book (BABY & CHILD CARE) for expecting & new mothers on taking care of their babies...
Would it be correct to call Dr. Spock a Mother-FAQer?
Why do people think its a good idea to buy natural products?
After all, isn't the leading reason for deaths "natural causes"?
What's the difference between roadkill and a viola in the middle of the road?
There are skid marks leading up to the roadkill.
Which country is the world's leading exporter of rulers?
Ecuador
Why shouldn't you follow female leader?
because she's "Miss Leading"
That Patriots player that just got tackled in the c**.......
Is he their new leading sacker?
I heard Tron 3 will actually be out of this world...
For the leading role, they found a new Tron star.
They say s**... is never the answer...
But what if the question is, "what is the leading cause of death for men in the military?"
What's the leading cause of death of Pilots?
The Flu
Today I learned that burning fossil fuels...
is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Michigan is leading in rates of both marital infidelity and depression.
It's a sad state of affairs.
Cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness.
Religion and politics remain the first two.
My dearest friend died a few days ago from extreme heartburn and indigestion ultimately leading to heart failure.
I still can't believe that Gav is gone.
Leading a horse to water is easy. How do you make a horse drink?
Put it in a blender with some ice.
Is climate change leading to more wildfires?
Without a drought
In the weeks leading up to my grandfathers death he had to use a wheelchair.
After that he went downhill very quickly.
Did you hear the one about the Logical Induction paper?
I don't know if it exists, but there are good papers leading up to it.
Researchers have found the leading cause of dry skin.
Towels
Why was the department of alcohol tobacco and firearms created?
To regulate the 3 leading causes of death in rural America.
I'm leading the singing at Keith from the Prodigy's f**...
I'm the choir starter
If you see a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, you know what that means...
I dropped them trying to carry all my laundry in one load
Difference between a corrupt government getting hit by a car and a deer being hit by a car?
There where skid marks leading up to the deer...
How do you call the actor in the male leading role from the X-files if he commits a m**...?
a Mulderer .
I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs…
If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…
So I heard that the stock prices of fertilizer companies around the world started dropping about two months ago.
Apparently it has something to do with donald trump becoming the world's leading supplier of b**....
The perfect gift for her? Let her come home to candles leading up to the bedroom, let her open the door to find you lying completely n**... on a rose-petal covered bed, and let her hear those three magic words...
'welcome home grandma'
What is the leading cause of divorce in long term marriages?
A stalemate.
The leading cause of dry skin
Towels
I was fired as a paralympics commentator.
Turns out you can't say "the blind leading the blind".
Reasons to Avoid Water
* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people exposed to water will die
Scientists have recently discovered that 3 out of 5 habitual m**... users developed over productive saliva glands.
When asked if anything can be done, one leading scientist advised, "Yes, you can either spit, or get off the p**...".
Leading entomologists experimenting with ant larvae have reported that while the introduction of milk-born disaccharides increased their height by 31%, it also inhibited tarsus growth by 47%.
The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.
How do you keep Texans and their politics in Texas?
Place a "Welcome to California" sign on every road leading out of Texas. They'll turn right around.
*Edit*: Hey, hey, hey. If you don't like the joke, downvote ME. Leave my commenters alone!
A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career
He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.
In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job security.
"I'm as surprised as you are," wrote the vampire. "It was not a job I could see myself doing."
Did you hear about the depressed hipster?
They found him in his garage, with a hose in his drivers side window, leading to the charging port of his Tesla.
What is the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer?
Skid marks leading to the skunk!
Doc Brown and Marty McFly travel back in time to Northern England in 1298
They park behind the bushes near a field, just in time to see two armies about to clash.
"This is the Battle of Falkirk, Marty." says Doc, handing him a pair of binoculars.
Marty watches a man leading the charge into battle and asks, "Who's that guy in the face paint?"
With a tear in his eye, Doc replies "A Great Scot."
A dry fact
Towels are the leading cause of dry skin