Leading Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

What's the leading cause of dry skin

...towels
Credits:dads

What's the leading cause of obesity in women?

Wedding rings

Depression in Mexico

There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.

Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.

The world's leading scientists build a lie-detecting machine...

...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.

They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I thinkβ€”" and drops dead.

Tour guide in the mountain

A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours. The descent, again depending on your skill level, takes anywhere between 4 hours and 30 seconds."

Parish priest

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the FIRST ONE to go to him in Confession."

Biochem professor told me this one today... Who is the all time leading scorer in hockey history?

-(Answer)

-No, no its not him. Its a Japanese guy, the name's Eshutsi.

-Eshutsi? I've never heard of him....

-You haven't? How many times have you heard the announcer say "He shoots he scores!!!"

Shower Sex in Detroit

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries outfit, 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had, if not enjoyed, sex in the shower. The other 14% said they haven't yet served any time in prison.

Stalin, a secretary, and a general

It's the height of World War II. In a Kremlin briefing room, a leading Russian general has just been given direct orders from Stalin to advance on his front, presumably a suicidal command. Upon leaving, the general mutters under his breath the words "Murderous Mustache".

Stalin's secretary, who is nearby, overhears these words and dashes into the Vozhd's war office. "Comrade Stalin, Comrade Stalin! That General, do you know what he just said! He said murderous mustache!".

Stalin, incensed, calls the general back into his office. "Comrade, I've been told you just said the words "Murderous Mustache". Who were you referring to?"

"The despicable Fascist scum, Adolf Hitler. That was who I was talking about, Comrade Stalin." replies the general in a cool, collected manner.

Stalin turns to his secretary.

"And who did YOU have in mind, Comrade Secretary?"

Splitting the Red Sea

Moses was leading the Jews while being chased by the Pharaoh and his men. In a moment of foolishness, he walked right up to the Red Sea. They were trapped.
"God dammit," said Moses.

So God did.

A man saw an unusual funeral procession

At the head of the procession was a man leading a labrador on a leash, following 2 slowly moving hearses. He cannot contain his curiosity and walks alongside the man at the head of the procession to offer his condolences.

"Sorry for your loss, who's in the hearse in front?"

"My wife"

"How did she die, if you dont mind my asking?"

"See this dog?" Says the bereaved man pointing to his labrador, It attacked and killed her."

"Dear me, who's in the second hearse?"

"My mother in law, she was trying to shield my wife from the dog and it attacked and killed her too."

They walk on for a little while longer in silence, when he asks

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

So an elderly golfer dies on the course and arrives at the pearly gates...

St. Peter looks upon his life and deems him worthy to enter heaven. But first, St. Peter asks him to recall the moments leading to his demise.

"I went out to the golf course, like i do every so often, and I was having a particularly great round. I was even on target to set a new personal best!"

Peter, confused, asks him, "So what happened? how did you end up here?"

The golfer looks at him and states, "I had a bad stroke..."

Leading a horse to water is easy. How do you make a horse drink?

Put it in a blender with some ice.

Two men sit collecting donations on either side of the walkway leading up to the church...

One wore a giant cross on his chest, the other wore a giant star of David on his chest.

Every day people would look at the guy with the star of David, smile and give an extra donation to the guy with the cross. Every now and then, someone would toss a few cents to the guys with the star of David.

After a few months several of the congregants approached the man with the star of David and asked him - we don't mean to be rude or anything but perhaps you'd do better at the synagogue down the road.

The guy looked across towards his fellow begged and yelled - Moishe, they're telling us how to run our business!

Recent study shows leading cause of dehydration in children:

Bedtime.

How is the Middle East not leading the world in wind energy...

... they have almost one turban per person.

In the weeks leading up to my grandfathers death he had to use a wheelchair.

After that he went downhill very quickly.

What is the leading cause of divorce?

Marriage.

Why do people think its a good idea to buy natural products?

After all, isn't the leading reason for deaths "natural causes"?

You know what the number one leading cause of pedophilia is, right?

Sexy kids.

(Pro Tip: I tell this to every single one of my First Dates. It's my Late 20s testing threshold for whether or not they'll tolerate me for very long.)

What is the leading manufacturer of vibrators?

Genital Electric

A drunk man is pulled over by a policeman at 2am

The policeman asks, "hey there, may I ask where you're headed?"

"I'm off to a conference about the effects of alcohol. How it affects relationships, the economy, how it has an effect on my children."

"And who, may I ask is leading this conference at this hour?" Asks the policeman.

"My wife when I get home."

What's the leading cause of pedophilia?

Sexy children.

What's the leading cause of death among wizards?

Staff infection

Michigan is leading in rates of both marital infidelity and depression.

It's a sad state of affairs.

Shower Sex in Detroit

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower. In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries outfit, 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had, if not enjoyed, sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they haven't yet served any time in prison.

To be fair Theresa May warned of a coalition of chaos propped up by extremist terrorist sympathisers

She just didn't say she'd be leading it

They say suicide is never the answer...

But what if the question is, "what is the leading cause of death for men in the military?"

International Contest

Great Britain and the USA are having a contest about who can mess up their country the most. Britain is leading, but the USA have a Trump card.

What's the leading cause of death for wizards?

Untreated staff infections.

Two Soviet commandos were crawling through a minefield.

Ivanka was leading Vladimir through a belly-crawl in a minefield.

Vladimir spoke, "Ivanka, your mother must have been a ballerina."

"Why?"

"Because of your beautiful legs."

Ivanka replied, "And your father must have been a farmer."

"Why?"

"Because of the deep furrow you're leaving."

A group of crows framed my friend, ultimately leading to his death

I swear I'll find the murder who criminalized him!

Two old Irishmen

are sitting on their porch watching the people walk by. One nudges the other and points to the Rabbi going into the brothel up the street. Such a tragedy to see a religious leader leading such a sinful life! he exclaims.

After a while they watch the Protestant pastor also going into the same house. There's another man of the cloth succumbing to the sins of the flesh!

More time passes before the Catholic priest comes along and follows the same path. Both men sadly remove their caps. Tis a sad thing, one of the poor lasses needs last rites.

There's this shopkeeper named John...

His business is doing beautifully. One day, a heavenly voice calls out to him, "John, sell your shop."

He says, "What?"

"John. Sell your shop."

John, not going to question a heavenly voice calling out to him, does so for several hundred thousand dollars. Then, "John, go to Vegas."

John has no idea what this is leading to but goes to a casino in Vegas anyway. "Go to a Blackjack table." Ok. He goes to the nearest Blackjack table. "Put all of the shop's money on this next hand." John, confident in the voice, puts down all of his money in this next hand.

John is dealt a 19 with the dealer showing a 6. It looks good for John. Then, "Take a hit, John."

"But-"

"Take a hit, John."

John hits. An ace turns up. 20. John's going to win. "Take another hit."

John gets really nervous. "Take another hit." John takes the hit. He can't even bare to watch. The card comes down. He opens his eyes. 21.

The voice exclaims,"Un-fucking-believable!"

Why shouldn't you follow female leader?

because she's "Miss Leading"

A woman wants to test her boyfriend

She thinks he may be unfaithful, so she asks her sister to help her with something.

As the boyfriend pulls up to the house and enters to find a trail of roses leading up to a closed door. He opens the door to find his girlfriends sister, laying on the bed.

"So, do you fancy it? You know you want to", she asks.

The boyfriend spins round immediately and heads back down stairs towards the front door only to find his girlfriend beaming, "I knew you would never do it!"
She runs over to hug him.

The moral of the story? Always keep your condoms in your car.

I had a great conversation with the world's leading brain surgeon..

Best cab ride ever

Why did Hannibal invade Rome? [OC]

Well it was kinda hard to avoid, what will all roads leading there and what not.

I'm leading the singing at Keith from the Prodigy's funeral

I'm the choir starter

That Patriots player that just got tackled in the crotch....

Is he their new leading sacker?

Question about baby expert Dr. Spock

Given that Dr. Benjamin Spock was one of the leading experts in pregnancy and early childhood, having written a famous book (BABY & CHILD CARE) for expecting & new mothers on taking care of their babies...

Would it be correct to call Dr. Spock a Mother-FAQer?

Have you heard of the Austrian man Duerf?

He was the world's leading reverse psychologist

Is climate change leading to more wildfires?

Without a drought

What's the leading cause of death of Pilots?

The Flu

How does a Canadian demand an apology?

Leading by example.

What's the difference between roadkill and a viola in the middle of the road?

There are skid marks leading up to the roadkill.

Researchers have found the leading cause of dry skin.

Towels

Men's Room, Men's Rules

A long line leading to the ladies' room greeted my friend's wife. Since desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend took her 
into the empty men's room, then stood guard. When she exited a few minutes later, a man waiting his turn called out, I hope you remembered to put up the toilet seat.

I was with some friends and we started talking about movies.

One of my friends mentioned that the sets in old Westerns were often built slightly smaller than normal to make the leading man appear larger. I said that that would make sense because I heard that John Wayne, while filming a scene with his co-star, complained that the town wasn't big enough for the two of them.

30th Anniversary

A man decides to buy flowers for his wife for their 30th wedding anniversary. He walks in the door and finds rose petals leading to the bedroom. Curious he walks in and finds his wife spread eagle on the bed in a brand new negligee. "What's all this about?" he asks. In her sexiest voice she says, "Well, I knew you would bring home flowers like you always do. This is for the flowers."
"Don't be silly," he says, "I'm sure we have a vase for these somewhere."

Why was the department of alcohol tobacco and firearms created?

To regulate the 3 leading causes of death in rural America.

A leading rabbi has ruled that marijuana is kosher

Now we know what kids are gonna be doing for the Jewish High Holidays...

If you see a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, you know what that means...

I dropped them trying to carry all my laundry in one load

Why dogs don't marry?

Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

Today I learned that burning fossil fuels...

is one of the leading causes of statistics.

How do you know there are no Asians leading the White Walker armies in Game of Thrones?

Because two Wongs don't make a wight.

Have you heard about Dr. Ohm?

Last I heard he was leading the resistance.

TIFU from my dyslexia leading me on the wrong transit.

Oops, wrong bus.

I heard the band Europe wrote a song about the days leading to the end-of-semester exams.

It was the finals countdown.

:D

What is the world's leading cause of hearing loss?

Religion.

My dearest friend died a few days ago from extreme heartburn and indigestion ultimately leading to heart failure.

I still can't believe that Gav is gone.

What's the leading cause of Nigerian immigration?

The wind.

Cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness.

Religion and politics remain the first two.

I heard Tron 3 will actually be out of this world...

For the leading role, they found a new Tron star.

What's the leading cause of violence in America?

Volkswagen Beetles.

What are the funniest leading jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Leading? Well, here are the best Leading puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Leading pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes