leaders Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious leaders puns

If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

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The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot.

It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to

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Arthur Guinness

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a bud, the Ceo of Miller gets a Miller, the head of coors orders a coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn, he orders a soda. "Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks. "Nah" Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer,then neither will I.

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If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then...

... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.

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When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."

This, too, was recorded. The man drew one more letter and read,

"D, eh."

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I live in North Korea and I'm ready to tell the world what it's really like!

[Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.

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The leaders of 3 European countries hold a contest to see which one of them has the biggest penis.

The king of Spain lowers his trousers and the audience gasps, then cries "Viva Espana!" The king of France does the same, and his is even bigger. The audience shouts, "Vive La France!" The king of England disrobes, and after a moment of stunned silence, the audience yells, "God save the Queen!"

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Post Tortoise Politician

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.




The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''



Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.

The old farmer said,



" When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with

a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself,

he doesn't belong up there,

he doesn't know what to do while he's up there,

he's elevated beyond his ability to function,

and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

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What do you call it when somebody kills a perfect circle of religious leaders?

A 360 No-Pope

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Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20-story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.

Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.

Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"

Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"

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Our government leaders have obviously never played Civ....

If they had they would know that not investing in education science and the economy coupled with an unreasonably large military is a a good way to get worked over by Gandhi later in the game.

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Old Cold War joke

A Russian and an American are talking about their countries. The American said, " we have the most freedom in the world, I can march into the White House bang on the president's desk and say sir I do not like how this country is being run." The Russian replied," I can do that too, I can march into the Kremlin, go up to our leaders desk and say sir I do not like how the US government is being run."

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So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.

During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.

"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"

"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"

Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.

"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"

Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."

The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"

The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"

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Martians arrive on earth...

They're peaceful and happy and everyone loves them. Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask them so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions. Finally it is the pope's turn to ask a question...

"I was wondering...have you ever heard of our lord and savior Jesus Christ" the pope asks.

"Jesus? Yes of course! He stops by our planet every couple of years and we all have a big party" the aliens respond

The pope looks baffled and says "You must be mistaken...Jesus Christ was here about two thousand years ago but he left and we've been waiting for his return ever since...why would he visit you so often?"

"well..." they look at each other "...maybe your chocolate wasn't good" the aliens offer

"Pardon me?" the pope asks

"Well, when Jesus first showed up on our planet we gave him really great chocolate...what did you guys do?"

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Defense supercomputer

A large defense contractor finally succeeded in building a supercomputer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders assembled in front of the new machine and were instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They described a hypothetical situation to the computer and then asked the pivotal question, "Attack or retreat?"

The computer hummed away for a minute and then came up with the answer, "Yes."

The generals looked at each other, stupefied.

Finally one of them submitted a second request to the computer, "Yes what?"

Instantly the computer responded, "Yes, Sir!."

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God gathers the leaders of every nation

to tell them that the world is going to end in a week, and that they must inform their countrymen and women. Shocked, the leaders return home wondering how to best break the news. The next day, they all hold press conferences.

Barack Obama: "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that God exists, but the bad news is that the world will end in less than a week."

Robert Mugabe: "I have only bad news. God exists and the world will end in less than a week."

Kim Jong-Un: "I have great news! I am on a first name basis with God, and He told me I would rule until the end of the world!"

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The Snail

Two nations get into a pissing contest, each boasting it's military might. A third nation notices them, and being fed up, challenges them. Whoever wins this secret challenge will be known as the greatest nation.
Willing to show off around the world, the two powerful nations agree.
The leaders of the three nations meet on an island in the middle of the ocean to see what the secret challenge was. The leader of the third nation says "Whoever can destroy this here snail, wins the challenge."
A bit confused they leave the island on a ship. The first nation sends a barrage of missiles from his flag ship to obliterate the snail. Heading back to the island they find that the snail is still there. Raging, the leader of the first nation takes his ship back to his capital. Heading away from the island the others look as 50 planes pass by and drop thousands of bombs filled with napalm and chemical gas. The group heads back to the island to find the snail still there. Smiling, the third leader takes a gun and shoots the snail up into smoking bits. Astounded the second leader ask: "How did you do that?"
Still smiling, the third leader says: "Assault rifle"

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Donald Trump is said to have lack of foreign policy experience to be president, but in fairness, he has spent time meeting with foreign leaders around the world.

Ms. Sweden, Ms. Argentina...

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The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY" and then jumps off the plane. Then, the English one come to the door, screams "RULE BRITANNIA" with a UK flag in hand and jump off too. Then, it's the time of the American assistant. He calmly walks to the door, pick a American flag and screams "FOR AMERICA"



And throw Donald Trump out of the plane

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Out of all the enemy leaders during World War II, who could run with the most speed?

Mussolini, because he was the fascist

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Funeral wishes

Three buddies die in a car crash and go to heaven for the orientation. They're all asked, "When you're in your casket being mourned, what would you like to hear your friends and family say about you?"

The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher who made a big difference in America's future leaders."

The last guy replied, "I'd like to hear them say β€” Look, *he's moving!*"

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The leaders of the Big Three after the conference in Yalta

After WW2 in 1945 the leaders of the Big Three(USA, UK and the Soviet Union) respectively Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin met in Yalta for a conference to decide the fate of the world.

After the conference they wanted to have some fun. They decided to try and make the Persian cat in the residence to eat mustard.

Churchill started first. He took a silver spoon with some mustard and tried his best to feed the cat but failed.

-You british people don't understand, it should be done with democracy - said Roosevelt.

He took some chicken and put some mustard on it. The cat sniffed for a moment but walked away with no interest in the food he offered.

Without any hesitation Stalin took the cat and started to spread mustard on the fluffy tail. The cat started meowing loudly and lickΠ΅d the tail to wash out the mustard. Meowed and licked, meowed and licked... Then Stalin said wisely:

-That's how we do everything in our country, voluntarily and with a song.

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Why do quantum computers make terrible community leaders?

Because you can never be sure of their true values.

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How do you cure aids?

You put it into world leaders.

Note - This is an old joke I've heard when I was a kid, but seeing how Jimmy Carter was cured by a drug that was just released recently, it feels like a sad reality.

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Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids...

The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.

The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

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Christian Aliens

A race of aliens visits earth one day; they come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the pope's turn, he asks: **"Do you know about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?"**. **"You mean J.C?"**, responds the alien **"yeah we know him he's the greatest isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok"**. Surprised, the pope follows up with **"He visits every year?! It's been over 2 millenia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"**. The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize **"maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"**. The pope retorts **"Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"**. The alien says **"Yea, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?"**

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Did you know that the best leaders are born and bred in the capital of Taiwan?

They all have Taipei personalities.

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Obama and Putin die and go to hell.

As former world leaders, they were being given a tour of hell. While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call his daughter and talks to her for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Obama gets his turn and talks to his daughters for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Obama got to call USA so cheaply. The devil smiled and replied: " Trump took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

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There is going to be a battle royal between religious leaders

I would put $20 on the Dalai Lama if I were a Tibetan man.

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Russian history joke, maybe not for everyone but my Soviet studies professor told it in class and I had to share.

Josef Stalin, Nikita Khruschev, and Leonid Bresnev are riding together on a train headed towards Communism.

Suddenly the train grinds to a halt. The three leaders are annoyed, most of all Stalin, who immediately orders the train's personnel executed. Still, the train does not move.

Khruschev stands up and tells Stalin he is wrong and his way is the best way to restart the train. He has the crew posthumously reanimated. Still, the train does not move.

Now some time has gone by and the leaders are becoming irate, that is, except for Bresnev, who now believes he knows exactly how to restart the train and arrive at Communism.

He stands up and moves to the window of the train. He lifts the curtain and says, "Comrades, the best way to make it Communism is to look out this window, and pretend the train is moving."

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(Ukrainian joke). Leaders of three countries discuss their economies and taxes.

US President says: we tax our people at roughly 30%, and what they do with the rest, is not of my business
UK prime minister says: we tax our people at 50%, and what they do with the rest is none of my business.
Ukrainian president says: we tax our people at 130%, and where they get the rest, is none of my business

This is a joke from the 1990s.

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A small church became infested with rabbits...

A small church became infested with rabbits. Pest control professionals were called as soon as the problem was discovered, but nothing could stop the rabbits from overtaking first the basement, then the grounds, then the kitchen and offices, and finally the meeting hall. Realizing that nothing could be done, the leaders and the congregation tried to go on as usual, but the smell of rabbit droppings was overpowering even after thorough cleanings. Worse, inevitably a rabbit would be accidentally harmed or killed during the service, which would always lead to many children bursting into tears.

Finally, a solution was discovered. Sprinkling holy water throughout the building, they baptized the rabbits in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Now they only see the rabbits on Christmas and Easter.

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Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.

Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running
toward the window.

Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"

Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"

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Post tortoise

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of stupid arsehole put him up there to begin with."

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Three religious leaders are golfing.

After the fourth hole, they are told that they need to wait to continue in order to accommodate a group of blind golfers. [One religious leader] opines, "To see people overcoming their disabilities to do something they love truly demonstrates the compassion of [diety]." "It's wonderful to see that they have a chance to experience this wonderful day that [other diety] has created," answers [next religious leader]. [Leader of religion to be deprecated] responds, "Ah, fuck 'em, why don't they golf at night?"

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What are the most funny Leaders jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Leaders? Well, here are the best Leaders dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Leaders pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes