lead Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious lead puns

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

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I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.

I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".

"Is that your real name?", she asked.

I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

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What's the leading cause of dry skin

...towels
Credits:dads

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Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

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For all you non-native English speakers out there...

"Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".

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How do you turn lead into gold?

Start a war.

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Using Tinder when you're horny is like going food shopping when you're hungry.

Both lead to unintended obesity.

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

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You can lead a horse to water,

but in Flint the water will be lead.

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I bought a wooden whistle

but it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle,

but it steel wooden whistle.

So I bought a lead whistle,

but it steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I bought a copper whistle,

but the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I bought a tin whistle,

now I can whistle.

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I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

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Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped!

The Police still have no lead.

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I was walking down the High Street with my wife...

... and upon reaching a corner, we saw six men beating up someone. I was going to turn and lead my wife away from the crime happening before us, but suddenly she exlaimed

"Oh my god it's mom! Quick quick! Go and help!"

I turned to her and said

"Nah. I think 6's enough."

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I bought a wooden whistle

...but it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle. And it steel wooden whistle.

Then I bought a lead whistle. It steel wooden lead me whistle.

Finally, I bought a tin whistle. Now I can whistle.

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My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

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So a man is walking a penguin down the street...

So a man is walking a penguin down the street on a lead. A policeman sees him and stops the man.

The policeman says, "what are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"

A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.

He says, "hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"

The man replies: "I did! He loved it! We're going to the theme park tomorrow!"

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Roses are red, Violets are blue

Hitler blew an 11 country lead during World War 2

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Did you hear about the chemist who died of lead poisoning?

He tried to make himself a Pb&J sandwich

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Whistle Puns

One day, I went to the store, and I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

So I went to the store again, and I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.

After a lot of frustration, I went to the store again and I bought a lead whistle.
I was really mad at this point. It steel wooden lead me whistle!

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I like metal bands with female lead singers...

Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

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The English language

If you ever think English is not a shit language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead.

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If a cannibal ate a comedian...

...that could lead to some funny shit

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The leaders of 3 European countries hold a contest to see which one of them has the biggest penis.

The king of Spain lowers his trousers and the audience gasps, then cries "Viva Espana!" The king of France does the same, and his is even bigger. The audience shouts, "Vive La France!" The king of England disrobes, and after a moment of stunned silence, the audience yells, "God save the Queen!"

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One day, I went to a store and bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

So I went to that store again and got a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.

Frustrated, I went to that store one last time and bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle!

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What's the leading cause of obesity in women?

Wedding rings

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Whistles

I bought a wooden whistle...
But it wooden whistle

So I bought a steel whistle...
But it steel wooden whistle

Then I bought a lead whistle...
But it steel wooden lead me whistle!

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Silver and lead are sitting at a bar and gold walks in.

Silver yells " au, get outta here! "

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I auditioned for a musical about the periodic table

I got the lead role!

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The world's leading scientists build a lie-detecting machine...

...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.

They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I thinkβ€”" and drops dead.

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Why's the leader of Russia always late?

Is trick question. If Comerad Stalin appears late, it is only because we were early. All glory to mother Russia.

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A man sees a funeral procession...

... with nearly one hundred men following a man and his dog behind the two hearse's. The man goes up to the lead man and asks what happened. He is answered, "My dog killed my wife and her mother." With a slight grin, the man covers his mouth and says, "You think you might be able to lend me that dog?" To which he is answered, "Get in line."

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Last night I came out of a nightclub and was approached by a Thai woman.

She gave me a cheeky wink and said, "Blowjob, $20?"

I said, "Yeah, alright," and lead her into the alley.

I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two $10 notes and started pulling up her skirt.

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How do you know when there's a lead singer on your porch?

They can't find the right key and don't know when to come in.

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What's the difference between a lead guitarist and a terrorist?

You can actually negotiate with a terrorist.

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What are the most funny Lead jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Lead? Well, here are the best Lead dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Lead pick up lines to share with friends.

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