The Best 74 Lead Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Lead jokes. There are some lead chiefs jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these lead lead guitarist puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Lead Jokes and Puns
How do you know when there's a lead singer on your porch?
They can't find the right key and don't know when to come in.
So a man is walking a penguin down the street...
So a man is walking a penguin down the street on a lead. A policeman sees him and stops the man.
The policeman says, "what are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"
A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
He says, "hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
The man replies: "I did! He loved it! We're going to the theme park tomorrow!"
There were three friends...
There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."
A mom catches her son masterbating...
So she tells the father to talk to him. Father walks in to the boys room and tells him "Son, you do know that doing that too often will lead to blindness...".
The son says "Dad, I'm over here."
After one week of the Olympics, the Romanians have taken gold, silver, bronze
lead, copper and anything else they can get their hands on.
Silver and lead are sitting at a bar and gold walks in.
Silver yells " au, get outta here! "
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
100; 1 to do it, and 99 to say "I could do that."
A man sees a funeral procession...
... with nearly one hundred men following a man and his dog behind the two hearse's. The man goes up to the lead man and asks what happened. He is answered, "My dog killed my wife and her mother." With a slight grin, the man covers his mouth and says, "You think you might be able to lend me that dog?" To which he is answered, "Get in line."
How do you turn lead into gold?
Start a war.
Asylum
A reporter is looking for a new story and thought an asylum for the insane would make a nice story. There, his first question is how they know who is sane and who's insane. "Well," the woman working there replied "We give everyone a teaspoon, a tablespoon and a bucket. Then we lead them to the bathroom and ask them to empty the bathtub as fast as they can". "Obviously, the sane people would use the bucket" the reporter says.
"No, the sane people would use the plug..."
The world's leading scientists build a lie-detecting machine...
...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.
They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I think—" and drops dead.
You can explore lead global reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean lead conduct dad jokes. There are also lead puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Two guys and their dogs are walking down the street...
...one's got a german shepherd and the other's got a chihuahua.
They get hungry so the german shepherd guy suggests they grab a bite to eat at the restaurant on the corner, but his friend says, "They won't let us into a restaurant with our dogs!"
"Just follow my lead," says the first guy.
He walks up and the maitre'd says, "What are you, nuts?! You can't come in here with a dog!"
"But it's a seeing eye dog," the guy with the german shepherd explains.
"Oh, excuse me, now I understand. Go right ahead," says the maitre'd.
The next guy walks up and the maitre'd stops him too. "You can't come in here with a dog!"
Following his friend's cue the guy says, "But it's a seeing eye dog!"
The maitre'd looks skeptical and says, "Sir - that's no seeing eye dog. It's just a chihuahua."
The guy jumps back in shock... "WHAT!? They gave me a chihuahua!!?"
A blind man walks into a store
all of a sudden he grabs his guide dog (seeing eye dog) by the lead and starts swinging it round his head. Horrified a store clerk runs over and says "sir what are you doing?" The blind man replies "just having a look a round" :)
HOLLYWOOD
They wanted me for the lead role in Twelve Years a slave but id only been married for 10
Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped!
The Police still have no lead.
Fella rescued a damsel in distress.
Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized the time and jumped up with a start. Running around getting his clothes on, he said, "What am I going to tell my wife?" "Wait, do you have any baby powder" he asked. "Certainly" she replied. He dusted his hands with the powder and headed home.
Walking in the door, he was greeted by his wife demanding to know where he had been. So he told her the truth, how he had stopped to change a woman's tire then wound up spending the afternoon in bed with her.
His wife looked at him for a moment, then grabbed his hands looking at them. She screamed at him, "You SOB, you spent the day playing pool again, didn't you?"
Why do they make bullets out of lead?
Don't they know that people die from lead poisoning?
What's the leading cause of obesity in women?
Wedding rings
Did you hear about the chemist who died of lead poisoning?
He tried to make himself a Pb&J sandwich
I was walking down the High Street with my wife...
... and upon reaching a corner, we saw six men beating up someone. I was going to turn and lead my wife away from the crime happening before us, but suddenly she exlaimed
"Oh my god it's mom! Quick quick! Go and help!"
I turned to her and said
"Nah. I think 6's enough."
Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?
To stop it from falling out.
You can lead a horse to water,
but in Flint the water will be lead.
Why do the best swimmers come from Flint, Michigan?
Because they're always in the lead.
What does the flint water crises and Chicago PD have in common?
The amount of lead put into black people.
(It was funnier over the radio)
Why did the lead acid battery have to tell the truth?
Because if it didn't it would be Li-ion.
Anyone exciting about the iPhone 7? I do
Because it will bring down the price of iPhone 6, which lead to iPhone 5's price to drop too. Finally, i'll have enough money to buy an iPhone 4
Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night
To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.
For all you non-native English speakers out there...
"Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".
What's the difference between a lead guitarist and a terrorist?
You can actually negotiate with a terrorist.
Don't let the Golden State Warriors blowing a 3 - 1 lead in the NBA finals..
..distract you from the fact that the British blew a 13 colony lead in 1776
A guy shoots a random man on the street.
Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
Guy: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."
Roses are red, Violets are blue
Hitler blew an 11 country lead during World War 2
I bought a wooden whistle
but it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle,
but it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle,
but it steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a copper whistle,
but the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a tin whistle,
now I can whistle.
What's the leading cause of dry skin
...towels
Credits:dads
I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."
So here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.
Pasteurization.
I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.
I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".
"Is that your real name?", she asked.
I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman..
..are in the trenches surrounded by the enemy with no way of escaping The Englishman sees three sacks and says right boys follow my lead.
They each get in a sack and as the enemy approaches they poke the bag with their bayonetted.
"Meow meow" says the Englishman.
"Ah it's just some kittens, leave them be were not that cruel. "
They poke the Scotsman.
"Woof woof"
"Ah just puppies leave them be"
Then they poke the Irishman
"Potatoes!"
I like metal bands with female lead singers...
Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.
I auditioned for a musical about the periodic table
I got the lead role!
Whistle Puns
One day, I went to the store, and I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.
So I went to the store again, and I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.
After a lot of frustration, I went to the store again and I bought a lead whistle.
I was really mad at this point. It steel wooden lead me whistle!
One day, I went to a store and bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.
So I went to that store again and got a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.
Frustrated, I went to that store one last time and bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle!
Whistles
I bought a wooden whistle...
But it wooden whistle
So I bought a steel whistle...
But it steel wooden whistle
Then I bought a lead whistle...
But it steel wooden lead me whistle!
I bought a wooden whistle
...but it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle. And it steel wooden whistle.
Then I bought a lead whistle. It steel wooden lead me whistle.
Finally, I bought a tin whistle. Now I can whistle.
Why's the leader of Russia always late?
Is trick question. If Comerad Stalin appears late, it is only because we were early. All glory to mother Russia.
My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.
We buried him with a heavy heart.
Leading a horse to water is easy. How do you make a horse drink?
Put it in a blender with some ice.
Why did the lead guitarist get sent to prison?
for fingering a minor
I made a wooden car
But it wooden go
Then I made a steel car
But it steel wooden go
Then I made a lead car
But it steel wooden lead me go
An English test question asked us to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence.
I wrote, "You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
My wife told me this one...
Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make.
DiCaprio says I'll be the lead actor
Clooney says I guess I'll be the director then
McConaughey says I'll write, I'll write, I'll write
If water with ice is iced water...
... milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?
>!(This one works better out loud. If you don't get it, maybe say the answer out loud to someone you know and they'll probably agree even though they haven't heard the lead in.)!<
Sting was kidnapped last night...
The Police are looking for a lead.
Don't let this election distract you...
From the fact that Slytherin blew a 472 to 312 point lead to Gryffindor for the House Cup during the trophy presentation ceremony at Hogwarts back in 1992.
Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make.
DiCaprio says I'll be the lead actor
Clooney says I guess I'll be the director McConaughey says I'll write, I'll write, I'll write
Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...
Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."
Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."
Leading entomologists experimenting with ant larvae have reported that while the introduction of milk-born disaccharides increased their height by 31%, it also inhibited tarsus growth by 47%.
The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.
Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring
Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The attendant notices he only writes down one name, and asks why, to which Dexter replies:
"I'm just a shucker with no shellfish team"
I saw a man with a penguin on a leash
I saw a man walking with a penguin on a leash
I said to him "That penguin is a wild animal. You need to take it to the zoo."
The man thought for a moment and said "You are absolutely right. I'll take him now."
The next day I saw the man again. He was still walking the penguin on a lead.
I said "I thought you were taking that penguin to the zoo?"
He replied "I did, he loved it. Now we're going to the movies."
Why did the chemist die after making himself a Pb & Jelly sandwich?
He got lead poisoning.
Why do archaeologist lead sad lives?
Because their career lies in ruins.
English is so easy to learn...
You just need to remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead.
Do you know the leading cause of homelessness among Eskimos?
Housewarming parties..
As leader of the USSR, Gorbachev was allowed to conduct weddings
He liked to keep them brief:
Gorbachev: You want to marry her?
Groom: Da
Gorbachev: You want to marry him ?
Bride: Da
Gorbachev: Then so be it.
He was a master of the So-be-it union
Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.
The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.
How do you distinguish between a news reporter and a chemist....
Ask them to pronounce "lead".
I can lead a horse to water...
But the police told me if I drown another one they'd arrest me.
Bullets
Why do they still use lead to make bullets?? Don't they know that lead is dangerous??
What do Peter the Great and Vladimir Putin have in common?
They both lead Russia to the 18th century.
why do monarchs feel so important?
Because small changes in their initial conditions can lead to large-scale and unpredictable variation in the future state of the system.
My friend is a smoker and decided to read about the health risks of smoking.
He went online and read about how smoking can lead to cancer, and other health risks.
A few days later I meet up with him and find him overjoyed and full of energy, so I asked him what did he do to become so healthy.
He tells me while lighting a cigar: "I quit reading."
Putin goes to fortune teller to find out his future.
She says:
"I see you on the car, arriving to a parade, there's an enormous crowd, they're crying for happiness when they see you, everybody is happy".
"Great! I'll lead the parade, who I will handshake with?"
"Nobody, your coffin will be closed".
Did you guys know Sting has gone missing?
The Police have no lead.
I love this time of year, the lead up to Christmas
When your partner walks into the room you can slam your laptop shut and you don't get any disgusted looks.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the lead hearthstone puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working lead flint piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.