Lead Jokes

154 lead jokes and hilarious lead puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lead that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Do you want to get your team lead, tech lead, or jump lead laughing? Check out these hilarious jokes about extension leads, forcing things, and horticulture on a global scale!

Funniest Lead Short Jokes

Short lead jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lead humour may include short headed jokes also.

  1. For all you non-native English speakers out there... "Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".
  2. My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week. We buried him with a heavy heart.
  3. why do monarchs feel so important? Because small changes in their initial conditions can lead to large-scale and unpredictable variation in the future state of the system.
  4. Did you hear about the chemist who died of lead poisoning? He tried to make himself a Pb&J sandwich
  5. I like metal bands with female lead singers... Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.
  6. Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.
  7. How do you distinguish between a news reporter and a chemist.... Ask them to pronounce "lead".
  8. Whistles I bought a wooden whistle...
    But it wooden whistle
    So I bought a steel whistle...
    But it steel wooden whistle
    Then I bought a lead whistle...
    But it steel wooden lead me whistle!
  9. Why are programmers so good at poetry? Well, all words rhyme in binary.
  10. Silver and lead are sitting at a bar and gold walks in. Silver yells " au, get outta here! "

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Lead One Liners

Which lead one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lead? I can suggest the ones about lean and laden.

  1. What's the leading cause of dry skin ...towel
  2. How do you turn lead into gold? Start a war.
  3. You can lead a horse to water, but in Flint the water will be lead.
  4. Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped! The Police still have no lead.
  5. Did you guys know Sting has gone missing? The Police have no lead.
  6. Why do archaeologist lead sad lives? Because their career lies in ruins.
  7. What's the leading cause of obesity in women? Wedding rings
  8. I auditioned for a musical about the periodic table I got the lead role!
  9. Sting was kidnapped last night... The Police are looking for a lead.
  10. Do you know the leading cause of homelessness among Eskimos? Housewarming parties..
  11. Recent study shows leading cause of dehydration in children: Bedtime.
  12. Why do the best swimmers come from Flint, Michigan? Because they're always in the lead.
  13. How does the lead singer of Nickelback prove his identity? "Look at this photograph"
  14. What is the leading cause of divorce? Marriage.
  15. What's the leading cause of dry skin? A towel

Lead Singer Jokes

Here is a list of funny lead singer jokes and even better lead singer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How do you know when there's a lead singer on your porch? They can't find the right key and don't know when to come in.
  • What did Dave Grohl, lead singer of the Foo Fighters, say after his sandwich was stolen? There goes my hero!
  • Why did the lead singer of system of a down get in to the food industry? Because of his self-righteous soup-n-sides
  • The lead singer of Disturbed has Covid-19 He is really down with the sickness
    Thanks for the gold!!
  • I like rock bands named after their lead singers Like Marilyn Manson, Alice Cooper, and Tool.
  • I have a photograph of me and the lead singer of REM .... That's me in the corner and that's him in the spotlight.
  • Why did the lead singer of Drowning Pool lose his job at Starbucks? HE LET BISCOTTI HIT THE FLOOR
  • I just met the lead singer of Mushroomhead He seems like a fungi
  • A bunch of 80s action stars dressed up as Skid Row for Halloween but they couldn't figure out who would be the lead singer. But Arnold Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"
  • Why is Perl Jam's new lead singer fat free? They couldn't find a Butter Man!

Lead Lined Jokes

Here is a list of funny lead lined jokes and even better lead lined puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Everybody knows Rudolph the Red Nose leads Santa's sled team... ...but few know that Bruno the Brown Nose is the second in line.
    He can run as fast as Rudolph, but he isn't as quick to stop.
  • The new Alien movie is being reshot with a different male lead Because then the catch line would have been "In Spacey no-one can hear you scream"
  • Do you know what's over 100m long and eats only potatoes ? A line leading to a butcher's shop in the Communist Bloc.
  • Jerusalem by Don McLean I think the song could be greatly improved if at the line: All roads lead to you, the singer shakes a fist and yells out Take that, Rome!
  • Did you hear about Whitney Houston's f**...? The line leading to the coffin stretched into the street. A few people showed up too.
Lead joke

Jump Lead Jokes

Here is a list of funny jump lead jokes and even better jump lead puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My dad died last year. among the things he left us in his Legacy : were some jump leads,
    a tartan blanket
    and the original subaru owners manual.
  • A bad detective will never be able to jump start a car... They can't find any leads!
  • Doc: Yes, there's some swelling in the area and it could possibly lead to bruising... but I don't want to jump to contusions.
  • What do mechanics skip rope with? Jump leads...

Team Lead Jokes

Here is a list of funny team lead jokes and even better team lead puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What does a Maple Leads fan do after his team wins the Stanley Cup? He turns off his Xbox and goes back to bed.
  • Have you heard about the Flint, Michigan football team? Their lead is unstoppable!
  • Why can't the England team have a dog? Because they can't hold on to a lead.
  • Who would win a football game between the 1989 Raiders and a team full of U2 lead singers? Bonos.

Extension Lead Jokes

Here is a list of funny extension lead jokes and even better extension lead puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • "Suspect is an elder female with an extensive criminal background..." "We don't have any leads, but we'll search every crook and nanny until we find her."
Lead joke, "Suspect is an elder female with an extensive criminal background..."

Hilarious Lead Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter

What funny jokes about lead you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lined jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lead pranks.

You can lead a horse to water...

but you cant force her to star in s**... in the City 3.

So a man is walking a penguin down the street...

So a man is walking a penguin down the street on a lead. A policeman sees him and stops the man.
The policeman says, "what are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"
A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
He says, "hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
The man replies: "I did! He loved it! We're going to the theme park tomorrow!"

There were three friends...

There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."

A mom catches her son m**......

So she tells the father to talk to him. Father walks in to the boys room and tells him "Son, you do know that doing that too often will lead to blindness...".
The son says "Dad, I'm over here."

A little girl lives next to a fire house...

She admires the fire fighters so much she makes her own firetruck. It consists of her wagon, with the team of her cat in front with a string tied to his t**..., and her dog which lacks the testicular string, however has a harness and reins for her to lead him with. The firefighters see it, and have to ask why the string on the cat. She replies "I need a siren too."

After one week of the Olympics, the Romanians have taken gold, silver, bronze

lead, copper and anything else they can get their hands on.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

100; 1 to do it, and 99 to say "I could do that."

A man sees a f**... procession...

... with nearly one hundred men following a man and his dog behind the two hearse's. The man goes up to the lead man and asks what happened. He is answered, "My dog killed my wife and her mother." With a slight grin, the man covers his mouth and says, "You think you might be able to lend me that dog?" To which he is answered, "Get in line."

What's the leading cause of p**...?

s**... children.


A reporter is looking for a new story and thought an asylum for the insane would make a nice story. There, his first question is how they know who is sane and who's insane. "Well," the woman working there replied "We give everyone a teaspoon, a tablespoon and a bucket. Then we lead them to the bathroom and ask them to empty the bathtub as fast as they can". "Obviously, the sane people would use the bucket" the reporter says.
"No, the sane people would use the plug..."

The world's leading scientists build a lie-detecting machine... powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.
They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I think—" and drops dead.

Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?

Because all the roads lead to Rome.

Two guys and their dogs are walking down the street...'s got a german shepherd and the other's got a chihuahua.
They get hungry so the german shepherd guy suggests they grab a bite to eat at the restaurant on the corner, but his friend says, "They won't let us into a restaurant with our dogs!"
"Just follow my lead," says the first guy.
He walks up and the maitre'd says, "What are you, nuts?! You can't come in here with a dog!"
"But it's a seeing eye dog," the guy with the german shepherd explains.
"Oh, excuse me, now I understand. Go right ahead," says the maitre'd.
The next guy walks up and the maitre'd stops him too. "You can't come in here with a dog!"
Following his friend's cue the guy says, "But it's a seeing eye dog!"
The maitre'd looks skeptical and says, "Sir - that's no seeing eye dog. It's just a chihuahua."
The guy jumps back in shock... "WHAT!? They gave me a chihuahua!!?"

A blind man walks into a store

all of a sudden he grabs his guide dog (seeing eye dog) by the lead and starts swinging it round his head. Horrified a store clerk runs over and says "sir what are you doing?" The blind man replies "just having a look a round" :)


They wanted me for the lead role in Twelve Years a s**... but id only been married for 10

"m**... can help relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self-esteem, as well as reduce the risk of prostate cancer."

And apparently that is not the correct answer to give when being questioned by the police as to why I was jacking off while riding the bus.

Fella rescued a damsel in distress.

Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized the time and jumped up with a start. Running around getting his clothes on, he said, "What am I going to tell my wife?" "Wait, do you have any baby powder" he asked. "Certainly" she replied. He dusted his hands with the powder and headed home.
Walking in the door, he was greeted by his wife demanding to know where he had been. So he told her the truth, how he had stopped to change a woman's tire then wound up spending the afternoon in bed with her.
His wife looked at him for a moment, then grabbed his hands looking at them. She screamed at him, "You s**..., you spent the day playing pool again, didn't you?"

Symphony of puns

i never let my kids listen to jazz or classical music...
Too much sax or violins can only lead to treble!

Why do they make bullets out of lead?

Don't they know that people die from lead poisoning?

I was walking down the High Street with my wife...

... and upon reaching a corner, we saw six men beating up someone. I was going to turn and lead my wife away from the crime happening before us, but suddenly she exlaimed
"Oh my god it's mom! Quick quick! Go and help!"
I turned to her and said
"Nah. I think 6's enough."

Why didn't the two slices of bread talk?

Because there was beef between them!
> I was arguing with my girlfriend about what constitutes a sandwich. One thing lead to another and this corny joke was born. It's probably been said before. Enjoy!

Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?

To stop it from falling out.

What does the flint water crises and Chicago PD have in common?

The amount of lead put into black people.
(It was funnier over the radio)

Why did the lead acid battery have to tell the truth?

Because if it didn't it would be Li-ion.

Star Trek Discovery is going to have a female lead which will ruin the series.

The male captains wandered around aimlessly getting into trouble.
She will just ask for directions and head straight to the destination.

Anyone exciting about the iPhone 7? I do

Because it will bring down the price of iPhone 6, which lead to iPhone 5's price to drop too. Finally, i'll have enough money to buy an iPhone 4

Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "j**...".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

Did you hear that Google has tied every single one of their programs to their browser?

I guess you could say that *all codes lead to Chrome*.

What's the difference between a lead guitarist and a t**...?

You can actually negotiate with a t**....

I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since.

I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne.

What is h**...'s least favorite letter?

C, in fact he lead an entire group called the "Not C's"

Don't let the Golden State Warriors blowing a 3 - 1 lead in the nba finals..

..distract you from the fact that the British blew a 13 colony lead in 1776

TIL that although Sting has been missing for a week...

The Police still have no lead

A guy shoots a random man on the street.

Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
Guy: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."

Roses are red, Violets are blue

h**... blew an 11 country lead during World War 2

The Flintstones

One day pebbles took a shower with Fred and Wilma. Her curiosity lead her to ask questions
Pebbles: Mama what's that between your legs?
Wilma: oh honey that's mommy's rock cutter.
Pebbles: Dada what's the between your legs?
Fred: oh sweetie that's my rock.
Pebbles: oh I get it, when daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock cutter out comes Pebbles!

World War 2 fans have their own set of complaints....

"I can't believe h**... blew an 11 country lead!"

If the current Russian president is preparing to lead a series of swift military offensives...

...does that mean he's Putin on a blitz?

I bought a wooden whistle

but it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle,
but it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle,
but it steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a copper whistle,
but the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a tin whistle,
now I can whistle.

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.

I ran into a salesman offering me a pencil with invisible lead.

I almost bought it, but I couldn't really see the point.

A tourist group

A tourist group is lead over a mountain path.
One of the tourists gets extremely nervous and says to their native guide:
"You really could have put a handrail on the side"
The guide answers:
"There was a handrail, but it became too expensive, the tourists always took it down with them when they fell"

Do not let the fact that today is July 4th distract you

From the fact that England blew a 13 colony lead

I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.

I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".
"Is that your real name?", she asked.
I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman..

..are in the trenches surrounded by the enemy with no way of escaping The Englishman sees three sacks and says right boys follow my lead.
They each get in a sack and as the enemy approaches they poke the bag with their bayonetted.
"Meow meow" says the Englishman.
"Ah it's just some kittens, leave them be were not that cruel. "
They poke the Scotsman.
"Woof woof"
"Ah just puppies leave them be"
Then they poke the Irishman

Breaking news : ISIS has surrendered

As soon as they read that Hugh Hefner has died , they realized there won't be any more virgins left for them in heaven, and have laid down their arms and will lead peaceful lives with their current wives .

A pair of Arms, a pair of Legs and a head have a swimming race...

All contestants dive in, the arms take the lead with the legs just behind, however the head has sunk to the bottom. The arms eventually win, with the legs in second.
They recover the head and they asked what happened? The head replied "I've been training for 6 months using my ears and just before we start, some c**t put a swimming cap on me"
*Edit, spelling mistake

Whistle Puns

One day, I went to the store, and I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.
So I went to the store again, and I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.
After a lot of frustration, I went to the store again and I bought a lead whistle.
I was really mad at this point. It steel wooden lead me whistle!

The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of Anne Frank's Diary was so bad

That the scene where the n**... entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

Did you know that the best leaders are born and bred in the capital of taiwan?

They all have Taipei personalities.

Why did it took so long to investigate Flint water crisis?

They never appointed a lead detective

One day, I went to a store and bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

So I went to that store again and got a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.
Frustrated, I went to that store one last time and bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle!

I bought a wooden whistle

...but it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle. And it steel wooden whistle.
Then I bought a lead whistle. It steel wooden lead me whistle.
Finally, I bought a tin whistle. Now I can whistle.

Why's the leader of Russia always late?

Is trick question. If Comerad Stalin appears late, it is only because we were early. All glory to mother Russia.

Women are the only physical entity that defy the laws of gravitation.

Increase in mass does not lead to an increase in the orce of attraction.

Leading a horse to water is easy. How do you make a horse drink?

Put it in a blender with some ice.

Memes have come a long way since they appeared on the internet.

They used to be funny pictures you sent to your friends, now they lead countries.

Why did the lead guitarist get sent to prison?

for f**... a minor

I made a wooden car

But it wooden go
Then I made a steel car
But it steel wooden go

Then I made a lead car
But it steel wooden lead me go

An English test question asked us to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence.

I wrote, "You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."

Why do s**... cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

My wife told me this one...

Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make.
DiCaprio says I'll be the lead actor
Clooney says I guess I'll be the director then
McConaughey says I'll write, I'll write, I'll write

If water with ice is iced water...

... milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?
>!(This one works better out loud. If you don't get it, maybe say the answer out loud to someone you know and they'll probably agree even though they haven't heard the lead in.)!<

Lead joke, If water with ice is iced water...

jokes about lead