She got knocked up, but she got down again.
I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".
"Is that your real name?", she asked.
I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."
...towels
Credits:dads
To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.
"Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".
Start a war.
but in Flint the water will be lead.
So here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.
Pasteurization.
but it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle,
but it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle,
but it steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a copper whistle,
but the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a tin whistle,
now I can whistle.
The Police still have no lead.
... and upon reaching a corner, we saw six men beating up someone. I was going to turn and lead my wife away from the crime happening before us, but suddenly she exlaimed
"Oh my god it's mom! Quick quick! Go and help!"
I turned to her and said
"Nah. I think 6's enough."
...but it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle. And it steel wooden whistle.
Then I bought a lead whistle. It steel wooden lead me whistle.
Finally, I bought a tin whistle. Now I can whistle.
We buried him with a heavy heart.
So a man is walking a penguin down the street on a lead. A policeman sees him and stops the man.
The policeman says, "what are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"
A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
He says, "hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
The man replies: "I did! He loved it! We're going to the theme park tomorrow!"
Hitler blew an 11 country lead during World War 2
He tried to make himself a Pb&J sandwich
One day, I went to the store, and I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.
So I went to the store again, and I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.
After a lot of frustration, I went to the store again and I bought a lead whistle.
I was really mad at this point. It steel wooden lead me whistle!
Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.
So I went to that store again and got a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.
Frustrated, I went to that store one last time and bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle!
Wedding rings
I bought a wooden whistle...
But it wooden whistle
So I bought a steel whistle...
But it steel wooden whistle
Then I bought a lead whistle...
But it steel wooden lead me whistle!
Silver yells " au, get outta here! "
I got the lead role!
...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.
They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I thinkβ" and drops dead.
Is trick question. If Comerad Stalin appears late, it is only because we were early. All glory to mother Russia.
... with nearly one hundred men following a man and his dog behind the two hearse's. The man goes up to the lead man and asks what happened. He is answered, "My dog killed my wife and her mother." With a slight grin, the man covers his mouth and says, "You think you might be able to lend me that dog?" To which he is answered, "Get in line."
They can't find the right key and don't know when to come in.
You can actually negotiate with a terrorist.
There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."
lead, copper and anything else they can get their hands on.
...one's got a german shepherd and the other's got a chihuahua.
They get hungry so the german shepherd guy suggests they grab a bite to eat at the restaurant on the corner, but his friend says, "They won't let us into a restaurant with our dogs!"
"Just follow my lead," says the first guy.
He walks up and the maitre'd says, "What are you, nuts?! You can't come in here with a dog!"
"But it's a seeing eye dog," the guy with the german shepherd explains.
"Oh, excuse me, now I understand. Go right ahead," says the maitre'd.
The next guy walks up and the maitre'd stops him too. "You can't come in here with a dog!"
Following his friend's cue the guy says, "But it's a seeing eye dog!"
The maitre'd looks skeptical and says, "Sir - that's no seeing eye dog. It's just a chihuahua."
The guy jumps back in shock... "WHAT!? They gave me a chihuahua!!?"
Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized the time and jumped up with a start. Running around getting his clothes on, he said, "What am I going to tell my wife?" "Wait, do you have any baby powder" he asked. "Certainly" she replied. He dusted his hands with the powder and headed home.
Walking in the door, he was greeted by his wife demanding to know where he had been. So he told her the truth, how he had stopped to change a woman's tire then wound up spending the afternoon in bed with her.
His wife looked at him for a moment, then grabbed his hands looking at them. She screamed at him, "You SOB, you spent the day playing pool again, didn't you?"
So she tells the father to talk to him. Father walks in to the boys room and tells him "Son, you do know that doing that too often will lead to blindness...".
The son says "Dad, I'm over here."
... at home, and he summoned the doctor.
"She's gone," said the doc after examining the woman. "I'm very sorry. I'll call the funeral home for you."
The morticians carried the body down the porch steps and started to round the corner of the house into the driveway when the lead bearer suddenly lurched to avoid a holly bush, lost his balance, and dropped his end of the stretcher. The jolt brought the woman back to consciousness. In a week, she'd made a full recovery and was back at the farm.
Several years later she went into a coma again. This time the doctor sadly assured her husband she was unquestionably dead.
The undertakers were summoned. As the stretcher bearers inched down the steps and headed for the driveway with the corpse, the farmer cautioned, "Watch out for that holly bush."
BOY: But I don't know how to pray
DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.
BOY: "Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work.
...foreign tour, had lots of cash lying with him. He thought it would be safest to keep it with a Senator and requested him to keep it until he returns. The Senator agreed but insisted the transaction be witnessed by two of his senior advisors. Money matters can lead to serious misunderstandings. said Senator. It is always wise to have two witnesses.
The Governor saw the wisdom of the advice. The cash was handed over to the Senator in the presence of two of his senior advisors.
Some weeks later when the Governor returned home, he called on the Senator and asked for the return of his money.
What money? asked the Senator. I don't know what you are talking about.
The cash I left with you. pleaded the Governor. You even had two of your senior advisors as witnesses.
Let's ask them. replied the Senator. The senior advisors were called to the Senator's office.
Do you know anything about this Governor leaving money with me? asked the Senator.
No sir, I know nothing replied one. No sir, he didn't leave any money with you. said the other. The senior advisors left the room. The Senator opened his safe and gave the Governor his cash.
Why did you first say you knew nothing about my money ? Asked the bewildered Governor.
I just wanted to know what kind of senior advisors I have. Replied the Senator.
Because it will bring down the price of iPhone 6, which lead to iPhone 5's price to drop too. Finally, i'll have enough money to buy an iPhone 4
When it's the priest's turn,
the executioner pulls the rope on the guillotine and the blade gets 1/4 inch away from the priest's neck before snapping back up. The priest is unscathed.
The crowd roars, "It's a miracle! Let him go!" And the priest goes free.
Then it's the rabbi's turn. The executioner pulls the rope on the guillotine and the blade gets 1/4 inch away from the rabbi's neck before snapping back up. The rabbi is unscathed.
The crowd roars, "It's a miracle! Let him go!" The rabbi goes free.
Just before they lead the engineer to the guillotine, he looks at it and says, "I can fix that!"
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head get caught stealing the Emperor's pig. The punishment for such an offense is obviously death by firing squad. In the holding cell, waiting for their fate, Red head says to the other two, "I have an idea! follow my lead!"
Upon being called, Red head walks up, stands in front of the wall facing the line of rifles pointed at her head. The Emperor yells "Ready! Aim!" and the red head shouts "TORNADO!!" The men with the rifles are so scared of the impending natural disaster they drop their weapons and run away. Red head gets away!
Impressed, Brunette says, I get it! I'll go next.
The troops come back into their line and call out the brunette, embarrassed at their gullibility.
Again the Emperor yells "Ready! Aim!" Immediately, the brunette yells "TIDAL WAVE!!" The brainless troops drop their weapons and run and hide yet again. The Brunette is free!
Finally it is the blonde's turn. The troops and the Emperor are furious at being deceived and are ready for anything this time.
They aim their weapons at the blonde and the Emperor yells "Ready!!! Aim!!!" and the blonde yells "FIRE!!!!"
..are in the trenches surrounded by the enemy with no way of escaping The Englishman sees three sacks and says right boys follow my lead.
They each get in a sack and as the enemy approaches they poke the bag with their bayonetted.
"Meow meow" says the Englishman.
"Ah it's just some kittens, leave them be were not that cruel. "
They poke the Scotsman.
"Woof woof"
"Ah just puppies leave them be"
Then they poke the Irishman
"Potatoes!"
100; 1 to do it, and 99 to say "I could do that."
The amount of lead put into black people.
(It was funnier over the radio)
The husband let out a resounding fart and said, "Touchdown. Seven points.".
Immediately his wife ripped her own and went, "Touchdown. 7-7!"
The husband responded with another colder and said, "14-7 my game."
Just then the wife came back with another fart and declared, "14-14. I'm staying right with you!"
She then let out a little toot and said, "That must be a field goal. 17-14 my lead!"
Not to be outdone by his wife, the husband pushed as hard as he could to win this game. Unfortunately, he pushed too hard and shat the bed.
His wife asked, "What the heck was that?"
"Half time. Switch sides."
One rancher has the largest bull in Texas and the second rancher has the best milking cow in the county. They decide to mate the two and split the offspring between them.
They lead the bull to the cow, but the cow walk away disinterested. The bull tries to mount the cow, but the cow walks away and won't let the bull get near her. The owners watch as the bulls repeated attempts are met with a cold response.
The bull's owner leans over to the cow's owner and asks,"Did you get your cow from Ft. Worth?"
The cow's owner, astonished, replies, "Yea, I did! How did you guess?"
"My wife is from Ft. Worth."
He was surrounded by all of the lead managers and advisers of his entire Reich. His main adviser told him how amazing and efficient Germany was.
"All of ze industries are over performing and creating enough resources for ze new world. Except perhaps ze mining industry, sir. Zey are performing so vell, ve have TOO much ore! Should ve cut ze number of ores ve mine?"
Hitler thinks for a bit and agrees with "Yes, then ve shall mine less ore,"
Just then, another adviser barged into the room and yelled: "MINE FEWER!"
True story: I was at a bar with a group of friends a few summers back. We were all working in research labs at the time, and 2 girls both named Amy happened to be assigned to the same project which lead to their schedules being nearly identical. You rarely saw one without the other. Someone brought this up after we'd all had a few drinks, and one of the Amy's said something along the lines of "yeah, we're always together; we're practically joined at the hip." This is turn resulted in me saying, "I guess you could say you're si-Amys." Then I went home.
all of a sudden he grabs his guide dog (seeing eye dog) by the lead and starts swinging it round his head. Horrified a store clerk runs over and says "sir what are you doing?" The blind man replies "just having a look a round" :)
The lead story is a man threatening to jump off a building. Before the end of the bit, the news breaks to commercial.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $10 he jumps."
"Okay, I'll take that bet," replies the blonde.
The news comes back from break and the story ends with the man tragically jumping to his death. The blonde pulls out a $10 bill and holds it out to the brunette.
"I can't take your money," says the brunette.
"You won. He jumped," insists the blonde.
"But I cheated," replies the brunette. "I already saw this story on the 6 o'clock news."
"So did I," says the blonde. "But I didn't think he would be dumb enough to jump twice."
To stop it from falling out.
With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY" and then jumps off the plane. Then, the English one come to the door, screams "RULE BRITANNIA" with a UK flag in hand and jump off too. Then, it's the time of the American assistant. He calmly walks to the door, pick a American flag and screams "FOR AMERICA"
And throw Donald Trump out of the plane
Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
Guy: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."
Two men, tom and bob were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent. "You smell that?" tom asked. Bob replied, "the heck I do, let's find where it's coming from! . After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said "let's get something to eat!" they both were hungry but bob reminded him that they couldn't enter with their dogs! so tom said "it's cool, follow my lead!" he puts on shades and is stopped at the door "no dogs allowed sir!" tom insisted "oh it's my seeing eye dog let me in" "it is? But that's a dachshund !"
"Yes they're using them now because of their amazing sense of smell"
"Very well come in." bob puts on shades and also stopped before entering
"No dogs allowed sir!" the waiter heckled.
"Oh please forgive me, it's my seeing eye dog" bob apologized.
"A chihuahua?!!!" the waiter shouted
"what??? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
Everybody's practicing their parts, except for the bass players - they barely have any notes at all, just at the very beginning and the very end. So they hatch a plan: during the performance, they'll all sneak out and go to the pub for some brews. The lead bassist ties a string to the last page of the conductor's score, to alert them so they can get back in time.
Performance night rolls around, and the curtains roll up to a magnificent opening segment. The bassists duck behind the percussion and run to the nearest bar. They order a couple of drinks and joke to themselves about how ridiculous they look in tailed, double-breasted tuxedos when suddenly they are approached by a man dressed even more formally, wearing a crown and long gown. He introduces himself as the Count of Bavaria, a true regal fellow. Before they know it everybody is chatting it up and the Count orders a *huge* plate of nachos. This is a massive plate - big enough for three men - but the Count, he must be starving because he eats every last bite. The bassists are enjoying their drinks and starting to get a bit drunk, when they notice they've got to rush back... Meanwhile, back at the performance, the conductor has turned the last page. He sees the string, and it dawns on him: it's the bottom of the ninth, the bassists are loaded and the count is full.
After WW2 in 1945 the leaders of the Big Three(USA, UK and the Soviet Union) respectively Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin met in Yalta for a conference to decide the fate of the world.
After the conference they wanted to have some fun. They decided to try and make the Persian cat in the residence to eat mustard.
Churchill started first. He took a silver spoon with some mustard and tried his best to feed the cat but failed.
-You british people don't understand, it should be done with democracy - said Roosevelt.
He took some chicken and put some mustard on it. The cat sniffed for a moment but walked away with no interest in the food he offered.
Without any hesitation Stalin took the cat and started to spread mustard on the fluffy tail. The cat started meowing loudly and lickΠ΅d the tail to wash out the mustard. Meowed and licked, meowed and licked... Then Stalin said wisely:
-That's how we do everything in our country, voluntarily and with a song.
Because if it didn't it would be Li-ion.
The 9 year old says to the 7 year old
I think that we're old enough to start swearing now.
The 7 year old says
Okay but when will we do it
The 9 year old just says
Follow my lead.
They walk into the kitchen and their mother says
What would you like for breakfast?
The 9 year old says
I'll have some Cheerios, b*tch.
The mother proceeds to slap the boy across the face, turns to her other son and asks
What would you like for breakfast?
The boy, scared, just says
I don't know, but clearly not the f*cking Cheerios!
Don't they know that people die from lead poisoning?
Put it in a blender with some ice.
for fingering a minor
A reporter is looking for a new story and thought an asylum for the insane would make a nice story. There, his first question is how they know who is sane and who's insane. "Well," the woman working there replied "We give everyone a teaspoon, a tablespoon and a bucket. Then we lead them to the bathroom and ask them to empty the bathtub as fast as they can". "Obviously, the sane people would use the bucket" the reporter says.
"No, the sane people would use the plug..."
..distract you from the fact that the British blew a 13 colony lead in 1776
But it wooden go
Then I made a steel car
But it steel wooden go
Then I made a lead car
But it steel wooden lead me go
Little Johnny lives on a farm with his family. One evening the family notices that one of the donkeys had manage to get out of the stables.
Johnny's dad tries to lead the donkey back into the stables but the stubborn animal will not budge. Johnny's mom tries to coax the donkey with carrots and hay, but the donkey just ignores the food.
Seeing his parents becoming increasingly agitated at the stubborn animal, Johnny offers to try and get the donkey back into the stables. He quickly fetches a pail of water from the trough and proceeds to dump it over the donkey's head. Both of his parents stare in awe as the donkey calmly saunters back into the stables and gently closes the door behind itself.
Still in disbelief at what he just saw, Johnny's father asks Johnny, Son, how did you know to do that?
Johnny replies, I was walking past y'alls bedroom last night when I overheard ma telling you, 'If you wet the head first, it'll go right in.'
"Look at this photograph"
At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the family into prayer...
Little Boy:Β But I dont know how to pray
Dad:Β Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc
Little Boy:Β "Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again.
Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work."
Because they're always in the lead.
A tourist group is lead over a mountain path.
One of the tourists gets extremely nervous and says to their native guide:
"You really could have put a handrail on the side"
The guide answers:
"There was a handrail, but it became too expensive, the tourists always took it down with them when they fell"
i never let my kids listen to jazz or classical music...
Too much sax or violins can only lead to treble!
One day, a drunk man went into a bar. When the bartender asked the drunk what he wanted, the man just said, "I'm Jesus Christ!" The bartender said, "No, you're not, now what do you want to drink?" So the drunk just ordered a beer.
After being kicked out of the bar for destruction of property, the drunk man stumbles down the street and walks into a priest. "What are you doing!?" the priest exclaimed. "I'm Jesus Christ!" the drunk said. "No, you're not!" the priest told him. "I'll prove it!" the drunk said. "Follow me."
The drunk lead the man back to the bar. "Now watch this." the drunk said. He walked into the bar, and the bartender yelled "Jesus Christ you're back!?"
We have collected gags and puns about Lead to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Lead? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Lead pick up lines to share with friends.