Following is our collection of nipple puns and weight one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Lbs jokes for adults, dirty weigh jokes and clean mil dad gags for kids.
"No way. That's impossible!" she said.
"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."
It was Won Ton.
I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.
I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.
After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
only 13 lbs. to go!"
By getting a divorce.
The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.
"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a sexy striptease for you."
Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."
or 5 Tinder matches...
To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.
Put a nipple on it.
A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5' 6", about 120 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress."
*this was forwarded to me by my dad just now, never heard before, thought was worthwhile for a chuckle.
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was
My cousin has two tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.
If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St. Joseph Church, in Warwick, RI at 3 p.m. Her name is Amanda. She's 5'2, about 130 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.
The worker replied, "No, they're all dead."
Finally signed the divorce papers
10 lbs of pressure on the back of the head.
Both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St Christopher's Church, in Baldwin at 3pm. Her name is Ashley, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.
That's a lot of wait!
The divorce papers are finalized today.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Those drug lords are gonna kill me.
She lost 120 lbs.
I've only got 40 lbs. to go
If she's over 180 lbs, she's already Plan B!
My wife is down 80 Lbs.
Not sure where to post this.
About 6 months ago, my now 5 year old daughter came into mine and my fiance's room, and started screaming saying she was missing her thumb. It took me a minute to realize what was going on.
A little backstory, my 5 year old daughter was born about 6 weeks early, and weighed 3 lbs even, she was and is also missing her thumb on her right hand.
This girl is going to have a very twisted sense of humor, just like me.
They're a four-chin teller.
The flu.
...so I stopped eating cameras.
Anyone know how I can lose 50lbs in an hour and fifteen minutes?
That weighed 280 lbs on Tinder
but it costs an arm and a leg
Nipples.
Divorce
7 lbs. 9 oz.
I guess that would make him a metamorphic Rock.
I've heard he's a man-a-tea now.
To which she replies without hesitation: "Yeah too bad the fuse is too short..."
The 10 pounds of feathers is heavier. Because you have to carry the burden of what you did to those poor birds.
You monster!
- "What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches."
- "I've realized the importance of black. If you want to know how important black is, go to Las Vegas and get some white chips and get some black chips. You could have 70 lbs of white chips and can't get out of town. You get 2 lbs of black chips, you can go to Madrid."
- "We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with."
...Is the freshman 9 lbs., 3 oz.
Won ton soup
Turns out I'm diabetic...
The other 50% is telling you how to lose 5 lbs in a week.
Divorce.
Stick a nipple on it.
A Shiite ton.
You are literally 2% milk.
I weigh 335 lbs.
I told my doctor that I was 20 lbs over weight, and my sex life was no good...he said, run 10 miles a day for 2 weeks and call me. I did, and told him how happy I was that I had lost the 20 lbs, he said good, but what about your sex life? I said, I dunno, I'm 140 miles away from home.
He was studying mole-ton lava.
Too bad we're not together anymore
Not sure why the dial spun a full 360 before it stopped on 150 though.
That's the diet where you let someone with more of a stomach for it do all the eating and then you take the credit for it.
There is an abundance of gram jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 53 funniest jokes and lbs puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any ton witze you can hear about lbs.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.