Lbs Jokes

Following is our collection of nipple puns and weight one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Lbs jokes for adults, dirty weigh jokes and clean mil dad gags for kids.

The Best Lbs Puns

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour

"No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.

It was Won Ton.

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

"I wanted to lose 10 lbs. this year....

only 13 lbs. to go!"

I lost 189 lbs in one week.

By getting a divorce.


Weight losers

The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.

"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a sexy striptease for you."

Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."

A standard elevator can hold 1700 lbs

or 5 Tinder matches...

I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with marijuana today.

To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.

How do you make a few lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

Super bowl tickets

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

 

 

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5' 6", about 120 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress."


*this was forwarded to me by my dad just now, never heard before, thought was worthwhile for a chuckle.

BodyBuilder and a Blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was


So my cousin screwed up bigtime

My cousin has two tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St. Joseph Church, in Warwick, RI at 3 p.m. Her name is Amanda. She's 5'2, about 130 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

A woman was shopping for turkey at her grocery store. She finds a 12 lbs one and a 13 pound one, frustrated she asked a shop worker, "Do these get any bigger?"

The worker replied, "No, they're all dead."

Lost 160 lbs recently...

Finally signed the divorce papers

What's the difference between a spitter and a swallower?

10 lbs of pressure on the back of the head.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2018 Super bowl.

Both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.  If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St Christopher's Church, in Baldwin at 3pm. Her name is Ashley, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

The most patient man in the world is 500 lbs!

That's a lot of wait!

I got rid of 300 unnecessary lbs after 6 months.

The divorce papers are finalized today.

Difference between GF & WIFE

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.


I lost 20 lbs in a month...

Those drug lords are gonna kill me.

My wife and I lost 100 lbs combined.

She lost 120 lbs.

My New Year's Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer

I've only got 40 lbs. to go

I don't get why women are complaining that Plan B doesn't work if you're over 180 lbs

If she's over 180 lbs, she's already Plan B!

My wife and I started dieting together and we have a combined weight loss of 60 Lbs!

My wife is down 80 Lbs.

True story

Not sure where to post this.


About 6 months ago, my now 5 year old daughter came into mine and my fiance's room, and started screaming saying she was missing her thumb. It took me a minute to realize what was going on.


A little backstory, my 5 year old daughter was born about 6 weeks early, and weighed 3 lbs even, she was and is also missing her thumb on her right hand.

This girl is going to have a very twisted sense of humor, just like me.

My psychic is 500 lbs and morbidly obese.

They're a four-chin teller.

Doctors hate this one easy trick to lose 15 lbs fast!

The flu.

They told me that cameras add 10 lbs...

...so I stopped eating cameras.

My resolution last year was to lose 25 lbs.

Anyone know how I can lose 50lbs in an hour and fifteen minutes?

I reeled in a 6 foot 1 inch catfish

That weighed 280 lbs on Tinder

I know how to lose over 20 lbs instantly

but it costs an arm and a leg

What can make 5 lbs of fat look good?

Nipples.

What's the fastest way to lose 130 lbs of dead weight?

Divorce

TIL I'm hung like a baby.

7 lbs. 9 oz.

I heard that for his role in the Baywatch movie Dwayne Johnson dropped down to 238 lbs from 260 lbs so he could look more ripped than 'big'.

I guess that would make him a metamorphic Rock.

Anyone heard of the guy who gained 300 lbs just by drinking sweet tea?

I've heard he's a man-a-tea now.

A man looking at himself in the mirror exclaims to his wife "Check out these 200 lbs. of pure dynamite!"

To which she replies without hesitation: "Yeah too bad the fuse is too short..."

What's heavier 10 lbs of bricks or 10 pounds of feathers

The 10 pounds of feathers is heavier. Because you have to carry the burden of what you did to those poor birds.
You monster!

Redd Foxx Classics (not too dirty)

- "What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches."

- "I've realized the importance of black. If you want to know how important black is, go to Las Vegas and get some white chips and get some black chips. You could have 70 lbs of white chips and can't get out of town. You get 2 lbs of black chips, you can go to Madrid."

- "We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with."

The only thing worse than the freshman 15...

...Is the freshman 9 lbs., 3 oz.

What do you call 2,000 lbs of steaming broth?

Won ton soup

I lost 10 lbs a week!! My secret???

Turns out I'm diabetic...

50% of a woman's magazine is telling you to accept yourself - you're beautiful just the way you are!

The other 50% is telling you how to lose 5 lbs in a week.

I lost the 120 lbs that were weighing me down really fast with one simple trick

Divorce.

How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?

Stick a nipple on it.

What do you call 2000 lbs of Muslims?

A Shiite ton.

If you are 150 lbs and drink 3 lbs of milk a day...

You are literally 2% milk.

I'm a heavy smoker.

I weigh 335 lbs.

I told my doctor that I was 20 lbs over weight, and my sex life was no good...

I told my doctor that I was 20 lbs over weight, and my sex life was no good...he said, run 10 miles a day for 2 weeks and call me. I did, and told him how happy I was that I had lost the 20 lbs, he said good, but what about your sex life? I said, I dunno, I'm 140 miles away from home.

Did you hear about the Doctor that boiled 2000 lbs of gophers alive?!?!

He was studying mole-ton lava.

My twin and I lost 180 lbs with one simple trick

Too bad we're not together anymore

I stepped on the scale today and I only weighted 150 lbs.

Not sure why the dial spun a full 360 before it stopped on 150 though.

I've lost 50 lbs in five days on the Susan Atkins Diet!

That's the diet where you let someone with more of a stomach for it do all the eating and then you take the credit for it.

There is an abundance of gram jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 53 funniest jokes and lbs puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any ton witze you can hear about lbs.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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