Lbs Jokes
73 lbs jokes and hilarious lbs puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lbs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Lbs Short Jokes
Short lbs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lbs humour may include short weight jokes also.
- I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour "No way. That's impossible!" she said.
"trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is." - The human soul weighs 1.2lbs... I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into work.
- 250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury No, I'm not fat. I'm just not on the right planet.
- My New Year's Resolution was to lose 30 lbs. by the end of summer I've only got 40 lbs. to go
- I don't get why women are complaining that Plan B doesn't work if you're over 180 lbs If she's over 180 lbs, she's already Plan B!
- Client: I want a cup of tea, please. Waiter: 2 teaspoons of sugar ?
Client: No, I want 5. Is it the same price ?
Waiter: Yes, sugar is free.
Client: OK, don't bring the tea, I want 2 lbs sugar. - My new girlfriend thinks I'm a player because I told her I slept with a ton of women.. I didn't tell her they were each 500 lbs
- My resolution last year was to lose 25 lbs. Anyone know how I can lose 50lbs in an hour and fifteen minutes?
- I know how to lose over 20 lbs instantly but it costs an arm and a leg
- TIL I'm hung like a baby. 7 lbs. 9 oz.
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Lbs One Liners
Which lbs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lbs? I can suggest the ones about weigh and ton.
- Why did Ben Shapiro go on a diet? To destroy the lbs.
- I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
- "I wanted to lose 10 lbs. this year.... only 13 lbs. to go!"
- I lost 189 lbs in one week. By getting a divorce.
- A standard elevator can hold 1700 lbs or 5 Tinder matches...
- Lost 160 lbs recently... Finally signed the divorce papers
- They say the camera adds 10 lbs. To which I say, Stop eating cameras.
- The most patient man in the world is 500 lbs! That's a lot of wait!
- I got rid of 300 unnecessary lbs after 6 months. The divorce papers are finalized today.
- How did Mary know that Jesus weighed 7 lbs 6 oz? Because there was a weigh in the manger.
- My wife and I lost 100 lbs combined. She lost 120 lbs.
- My psychic is 500 lbs and morbidly obese. They're a four-chin teller.
- Doctors hate this one easy trick to lose 15 lbs fast! The flu.
- They told me that cameras add 10 lbs... ...so I stopped eating cameras.
- I reeled in a 6 foot 1 inch catfish That weighed 280 lbs on Tinder
Hilarious Fun Lbs Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about lbs you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gram jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lbs pranks.
A blonde girl walks into a gym and sees a guy.
The guy takes off his shirt she says, "Oh what chest!"
"That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."
Then he takes off his pants she says, "Oh what legs!''
He says, "That 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."
After that, he took off his underwear. The blonde girl starts running he catches her and says, "Why were you running?"
She said I didn't wanna be in there once I've seen how small the fuse was."
My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.
I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.
After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Weight losers
The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.
"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a s**... striptease for you."
Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with m**... today.
To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.
BodyBuilder and a Blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was
Super bowl tickets
A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5' 6", about 120 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress."
*this was forwarded to me by my dad just now, never heard before, thought was worthwhile for a chuckle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a s**... and a s**...?
10 lbs of pressure on the back of the head.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the Trumper go on a diet?
To own the lbs!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I lost 20 lbs in a month...
Those drug lords are gonna kill me.
My 5 year old daughter was a preemie, she was born 6 weeks early, and was 3 lbs even when she was born.
A couple days later, my fiance said that she is definitely my daughter, I asked her why she said that, and she responded with, cause she came early.
True story
Not sure where to post this.
About 6 months ago, my now 5 year old daughter came into mine and my fiance's room, and started screaming saying she was missing her thumb. It took me a minute to realize what was going on.
A little backstory, my 5 year old daughter was born about 6 weeks early, and weighed 3 lbs even, she was and is also missing her thumb on her right hand.
This girl is going to have a very twisted sense of humor, just like me.
I heard that for his role in the Baywatch movie Dwayne Johnson dropped down to 238 lbs from 260 lbs so he could look more ripped than 'big'.
I guess that would make him a metamorphic Rock.
Anyone heard of the guy who gained 300 lbs just by drinking sweet tea?
I've heard he's a man-a-tea now.
A man looking at himself in the mirror exclaims to his wife "Check out these 200 lbs. of pure dynamite!"
To which she replies without hesitation: "Yeah too bad the fuse is too short..."
I lost 10 lbs a week!! My secret???
Turns out I'm diabetic...
50% of a woman's magazine is telling you to accept yourself - you're beautiful just the way you are!
The other 50% is telling you how to lose 5 lbs in a week.
Redd Foxx Classics (not too dirty)
- "What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches."
- "I've realized the importance of black. If you want to know how important black is, go to Las Vegas and get some white chips and get some black chips. You could have 70 lbs of white chips and can't get out of town. You get 2 lbs of black chips, you can go to Madrid."
- "We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with."
The only thing worse than the freshman 15...
...Is the freshman 9 lbs., 3 oz.
What do you call 2,000 lbs of steaming broth?
Won ton soup
I lost the 120 lbs that were weighing me down really fast with one simple trick
Divorce.
If you are 150 lbs and drink 3 lbs of milk a day...
You are literally 2% milk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm a heavy s**....
I weigh 335 lbs.
I've lost 50 lbs in five days on the Susan Atkins Diet!
That's the diet where you let someone with more of a stomach for it do all the eating and then you take the credit for it.
My twin and I lost 180 lbs with one simple trick
Too bad we're not together anymore
I stepped on the scale today and I only weighted 150 lbs.
Not sure why the dial spun a full 360 before it stopped on 150 though.
What do you call a 400 lbs FtM that just finished an eleven course meal?
A saturated transfat
My girlfriends new years resolution has already made me lose 130 lbs.
Please take me back. I miss you.
What do a man who lives in a watch tower by the sea and a 85 lbs hotel maid have in common?
They're both light house keepers.
I used to weigh over 330 lbs...
But then I put down my 150 lb duffle bag of gym weights and boy was that a load off.
What did Jack Skellington say when he cut down 2000 lbs of wood?
TIMBER-TON
You would not believe what this fisherman used to get a 200 lbs fish!
Clickbait
What is the population of Somalia ?
About 10kg (22 lbs).
My wife lost 200 lbs!
I divorced her.
My wife and I have lost 150 lbs combined!!!
The search team are taking longer than expected to get her body back from the river though.
