The Best 86 Lays Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Lays jokes. There are some lays takes jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these lays hen puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Lays Jokes and Puns

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

Edit1: a typo

Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

- Leviticus 20:13 ESV

Redneck Birth control

A redneck took his daughter to the Gynocologist.

They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"?

The father answered: "to get my daughter on birth control, Doc".

"Well, is your daughter sexually active?", asked the Doctor.

"No", answered the redneck, "she just lays there like her mother".

Lays joke, Redneck Birth control

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an atheist, an insomniac?

A person that lays awake late at night and ponders if there's such a thing as a dog.

A guy is sitting in a bar when a great looking woman comes over to him.

He's really excited, but it immediately comes clear that she is a hooker. She says, "Hey, handsome. Want to play a game? Here is how it works. I'll do absolutely anything you want for three hundred dollars, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy thinks for a minute. Then he pulls his wallet out of his pocket, lays three hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says, "Paint my house."


It all makes sense now, gay marriage and marijuana being legalized on the same day...

Leviticus 20:13 - "If a man lays with another man he shall be stoned"

We've just been interpreting it wrong all these years.

Blonde at the doctor's office

A gorgeous blonde pays a visit to a gynecologist. She undresses and lays down waiting for the doc. The doc enters the room and he's mesmerized by her beauty, totally loses his mind, and soon, starts having sex with her.

She's quiet and not responsive, and the doc asks: You do realize what I'm doing, right?

She says: Of course, taking out my herpes.

Lays joke, Blonde at the doctor's office

A man goes to see his doctor.

Man: Doc, I need to get some birth control for my daughter.

Doctor: Is she sexually active?

Man: No. She just lays there like her mother.

How many Kardashians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, but it just lays there while Ray J does all the work.

Quadriplegic jokes I've gathered from over the years.

What do you call a quadriplegic that hangs on your wall?

Art.

What do you call a quadriplegic that lays on your porch?

Matt.

What do you call a quadriplegic that is in a hole?

Doug.

What do you call a quadriplegic in a ditch?

Phil.

What do you call a quadriplegic doing water ski jumps?

Skip.

What do you call a quadriplegic floating in the water?

Bob.

What do you call a quadriplegic playing in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

What do you call a quadriplegic inside of your mail box?

Bill.

What does an insomniac agnostic dyslexic do?

Lays awake in bed all night, debating whether or not there really is a dog.

You can explore lays lifts reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean lays lying dad jokes. There are also lays puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


The saddest joke I've heard

My wife ran off with my best friend...
Now, when I throw the stick, it just lays there.

A guy meets a hooker in a bar

She says to him, "this is your lucky night. I've got a special going, for $300 i'll do absolutely anything you can think of but the catch is you have to be able to say it in 3 words or less."

The guy replies, "thats a great deal" then slowly lays out 3 &100 dollar notes and says "Paint... My... House."

My friend told me this gem the other day

A man walks into a doctor's office with his 8 year-old daughter. Looking at the nurse he asks "Excuse me, miss? I need to see someone about getting my daughter on birth control."
The nurse replies, "My god! Your daughter is sexually active?"
"Nah, she just lays there like her Mom."

Man walks into a pharmacy . . .

. . . and asks the pharmacist for birth control for his twelve-year old daughter. The pharmacist looks shocked and asks incredulously, "Your TWELVE year-old daughter is sexually active?!" The man responds emphatically, "Hmmph, I wish! She mostly just lays there and cries."

An old ugly wife is looking in the mirror...

Listing all the things wrong with her old flabby hairy body while her husband lays on the bed watching an ocean documentary on TV.

"I'm disgusting, aren't I?"

He doesn't respond.

"Hey! Answer me! I look like a whale, don't I!?"

He responds, "No! Absolutely not, you don't look anything like a whale, my dear..."

Before she could get out an "aww thanks", he says "Have you *seen* how stunningly beautiful those creatures are!?!"

Lays joke, An old ugly wife is looking in the mirror...

A man asks the pharmacist for birth control for his 11-year old daughter.

Shocked the pharmacist asks, "11-years old! Is she even sexually active?"

The dad shakes his head saying, "No, she just lays there like her mother."

Tom Jones' Disease

A Man goes to the Doctor and lays out his problems. He says whenever he sees a cat he yells "What's New, Pussycat?"
If he sees a woman while on the street, he exclaims "She's A Lady!" which is really driving his wife crazy.
And speaking of his wife he keeps calling her Delilah, when her name is Susan!

The doctor says "Considering your symptoms, it sounds like you have Tom Jones' Disease"

"Tom Jones' Disease? I've never heard of that! Is it rare?"

"It's not unusual"

A man from Oklahoma takes his daughter to the gynecologist...

He tells the doctor that he'd like to put her on birth-control pills. The doctor asks him how old she is.

"She's thirteen." the man says.

The doctor is somewhat startled, "That's seems a bit young, is she sexually active?"

The man replies, "Naw... she jus' lays there like 'er mother."


A Jew is on his deathbed.

Summoning his last strength, he says: "Is my wife Sarah here with me?" And she says "Yes, I am here." He then says :"Are my children here with me?" And they reply "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he smiles and says:"Is my father and siblings here with me?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the Jew lays quietly for a while and replies "Then who is the light on for in the kitchen?"

So a guy goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "What can i help you with today?"

Guy: "I need to get some birth control for my daughter."

Doctor:" Well, is your daughter sexually active?"

Guy: "No, she just lays there."

A man walks into the doctors office....(NSFW)

...and tells the doctor he would like to put his daughter on birth control. The doctor of course asks how old the daughter is.
The father responds "She's 13".
With a sense of shock, the doctor replies "Is she sexually active?!?!?!"
Without batting an eye the man replies "No.....she just lays there like her mother!"

A Man Goes Into A Pharmacy

And asks for birth control for his wife and seven year old daugher.
The pharmacist, shocked, exclaims "You're seven year old daughter is sexually active?!"
And the man just shrugs and says "Nah, she just lays there"

Another jewish gag

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and falls onto the pavement and lays there groaning in agony. A young man rushes up to help. He takes off his coat, folds it up into a pillow and as he gently places it under the old mans head he asks "Are you comfortable ?
The old man looks up into the guys kind eyes and says "Eh...I make a living"

A dog lays by the railroad tracks..

And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.

Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.

I walked into the pharmacist's office and asked for condoms for my 12 year old son.

The pharmacist asked "is your son sexually active?" I replied with "no he just lays there and cries."

If a rooster lays an egg on a triangular roof, which side does it roll down?

Neither! Roosters don't lay eggs!

Scientists thought we would never have enough air to survive on the moon...

...then they opened a bag of Lays chips.

A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap...

and spots a speeder.

He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."

The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."

What's brown, black and blue and lays at the bottom of a ditch?

A brunette that's told one too many blonde jokes.

What brand of potato chip do Matadors prefer?

"Oh Lays"

Man in a pasture face down

A man lays face down in the pasture with a backpack on his back and flies buzzing around him.

Question: Whats in his backpack?

Answer: Parachute

A woman was 9 months pregnant...

...and she didn't wanna go to the hospital no matter what. One day she is walking up the stairs inside her home when her water breaks, she then lays down Right there and gives birth with the assistance of her husband. Once the baby is born the mother is holding her baby and says to her husband "I don't think this is yours..." He looks at her confused and asks "what do you mean?", she looks him in the eyes and says "because it's a step-child"

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, 'This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for Β£300 as long as you can say it in three words.' The guy replies, 'Hey, why not?' He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays Β£300 on the bar, and says slowly. 'Paint…my….house.'

Just three words . . .

A middle-aged man meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $100 as long as you can say it in just three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"

He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $100 on the bar, and says slowly, "Paint . . . my . . . house."

What moment is Batman History was the worst for Batman?

Christmas.

He lays an egg, smells bad, and Joker gets away.

Also his parents are dead.

A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms.

He approaches the desk and says to the pharmacist "excuse me, do you have non latex? I need condoms for my 12 year old daughter but she's allergic to latex"

The pharmacist replies "yeah they should be right over.... wait.. did you say 12 year old daughter? .. your 12 year old daughter is sexually active?"

The man says "eh, not really. She just kind of lays there like her mother."

Einstein quietly lays in bed next to a obviously disappointed partner..

After a few minutes of awkward silence he turns to her and says, "You see, it was fast to you..."

An old man sets up three beds in his room...

and lays out three chairs. One day, a friend comes over and the old man serves three bowls of porridge.

The friend asks "Why do you have all this random stuff in your room?"

and the old man replies "Well, it worked for the 3 bears!"

A nacho enters the stomach

A nacho enters the stomach, lays down near the duodenum and falls asleep. A chunk of pizza also arrives and falls asleep too. Then a shot of tequila joins and says: We're having such a party up there and you prefer to just sleep here? Get up, we're going back.

A robot walks into a bar, orders a drink, and lays down some cash.

The bartender says, "we don't serve robots." The robot replies, "oh, but some day you will."

A man from Tennessee takes his daughter to the doctor and tells the doctor his daughter need birth control.

The doctor asks, "How old is she?"

He replies, "15."

"And she's sexually active," the doctor asks.

The man replies, "Naw, she just lays there like her mother."

Junk foods are so versatile!

A bag of Lays can be used as fuel for a fire in an emergency, you can have finger sword fights with Bugles, and now, a Cheeto has won the United States Presidential Election!

A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...

The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered

"Oh, is your daughter sexually active?" Asked the pharmacist.

"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"

Asked a hen how many eggs it lays daily?

It said: two eggs

I said: Oh strange!

It said: what's strange? the fact that I lay two eggs?

I said: no, the fact that you talk

A man brings home flowers to his wife

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"

His wife replies "For the flowers of course"

He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"

What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac?

Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.

My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

A guy walks into the bar and looks the bartender in the eye and says "I need 10 shots"

The bartender lays them out and the man takes all 10 shots back to back.

In shock the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink like that before."

The man replies, "You'd drink like that too if you had what I had."

Sounding concerned, the bartender asks "Oh I'm sorry to hear that, what do you have?"

Man quickly says "2 bucks" and ran out of the bar.

So Jesus walked into a hotel...

Walks up to the registration desk, lays down a few nails and says "can you put me up for the weekend? "

Daughter

A middle aged man takes his 14 year old daughter to the doctor.
"And what do we need today young lady?" The doctor asks.
The father answers for her "She needs to start birth control".
The doctor gasps "She's sexually active at 14!?"

The father replies "Nope, she just lays there, just like her mother.

A guy is approached by a hooker in a bar. She says, "This

A guy is approached by a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three one hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint...my...house."

Approached by a hooker

A guy is approached by a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special for you. I'll do absolutely anything you say for $400, as long as you can say it in four words." The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays four one hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Do anything I say."

A bag of Frito Lays and a bra are the same...

Once you open them you realize there's only half of what you thought inside

Chocolate, icecream, cookies, mars bars, doritos, popcorn, milky ways, kit kats and lays!

i wrote this joke to reach a wider audience.

What kind of tree lays eggs?

A poultry.

Pharmacist: "Are you sexually active?"

My wife interrupting: "No, he just kind of lays there."

A man brings his 12 year old daughter to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he needs birth control for his daughter.

Raising his eyebrows the doctor replies "Is your daughter sexually active?"

The man replies, "Sexually active? No. She usually just lays there and cries."

The chicken and the egg

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed together after having sex. The chicken lays back on a pillow and sighs, saying, "well I guess that answers that age old question."

Horse race

A man has a racehorse who never won a race.

Man in disgust says," Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning."

The starting gate opens, the horses take-off, they move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track.

He kicks the horse and asks, "WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING"

The horse, half asleep says, "I have to get up at three in the morning."

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13]

What sound does a French hen make when it lays an egg?

Oeuf.

What jacket lays down the best farts

Wind breaker

Rest in Peace - Ron B. U.C. Berkeley

A man is holding his wife's hand as she lays on her death bed.

"Jerry, I, . . ., I have something to tell you before I pass on."

"No, no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well."

"No, Jerry. I've been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you. I, . . ., I've been unfaithful to you. I slept with your best friend, Phil. I'm so terribly sorry."

"Yes, dear, I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

One for the Mathematicians

Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flagpole.
They only have a measuring tape, and they have not been able to slide the tape up the pole.

A mathematician asks what they are doing, and they explain.
The solution is easy, she says. She pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it.

After she leaves, one of the engineers says,
That is so typical! We tell a mathematician we need the height – and she gives us the length!

What does a chip do when it's late but can't sleep?

It just lays there.

An Arkansas man takes his 12 year-old daughter to the doctor to get her on birth control

The doctor then asks the man, Your 12 year-old daughter is sexually active!?

The man replies, No, she's like her mother. She just lays there.

I thought air was free.

That was until I bought a bag of lays

My friend brags about having sex with potato chips

He keeps on telling me how many lays he's had.

What chicken lays the most?

A dead one.

A guy picks up a hooker

She says, This is your lucky night. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300.00. as long as you can say it in three words.

The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300.00 on the table and says slowly.

Paint…my….house.

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on a hill...?

An eggroll.

The president of America, the president of Russia, and the Queen of England are playing cards.

Elizabeth the Second lays a full house and sips daintily upon a cup of tea. A Russian agent puts a finger to his ear momentarily and approaches the table with a sleek briefcase, which Putin opens to reveal a marvelous hand. Donald then smiles and shows five trump cards.

Dave and his girlfriend check into the hotel room.

As soon as they walk in, the girl immediately jumps up on the bed and lays in a spread eagle.

She asks - Dave, do you know what it means?

Dave - yeah, that you wanna sleep on this bed all by yourself.

Old number 51628

A man is taking his giraffe for a walk downtown. He gets tired and stops at a bar. As the man sits down the giraffe goes and lays down in the corner.

The bartender says to the man: Hey! You can't just leave that lyin' around!

Man: It's not a lion. It's a giraffe.

Three men are sitting by the pool on vacation.

One of the men says: "Last night I had sex with my wife three times, and in the morning she said that was the best sex we've had"

One of the other men proclaims: "We'll yesterday I had sex with my wife 5 times and do you know what she had to say this morning?"

The two other men shook their heads.

"That I was the best she has ever had!"

The first man coofs and says to the third guy: "well how many times did you bang your wife?"

The third man says "once!"

The two other men laugh and one of them asks:
"Well what did your wife tell you in the morning then?"

The third man lays back and says:

"Don't stop!"

Europe lays there like a prostitute.

England is finished but won't pull out.

The Bible is not against marijuana

It says," if a man lays with another man, he must be stoned".

Anything you want!

Β A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, 'This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.' The guy replies, 'Hey, why not?' He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly. 'Paint…my….house.'

Dracula walks into a bar.

He orders a cup of boiling water. The barman pours a cup from the kettle and gives it Dracula; he says "No bloody Mary today?"

Dracula reaches into his pocket and pulls out a string. Then a used tampon pops out of Dracula's pocket and he lowers the tampon by the string into the cup of water. Then Dracula carefully lays the string over the side of the cup and says "No thanks. Today I'm just having tea."

TIL there is a rooster that lays eggs.

The breed is Himalayan.

2 Native American animal trackers sit on their horses.

One gets down, lays his ear to the ground and after a moment he says "Buffalo come."
His friend asks "How you know?"
Then he stands up and touches the side of his face, "Sticky."

A man in his 60s hoes to a brothel

... constantly shaking from his Parkinson's.

He tells the madam I want 5 girls.

The madam says are you sure? 5 girls might kill you. But the man is adamant and soon enough he's in a room with 5 girls.

Shaking from every joint as he lays on the bed, he tells 2 girls: you two, hold down my arms.

Then he tells 2 more girls: you two, hold down my legs.
Finally, the last one, you get on top.

Now, you 4, let go!

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

Two men are playing a round of golf.

The third tee is close to a road, and just as one of the players is about to tee off he sees a funeral cortège driving slowly by. He breaks his shot, lays down his club, takes off his cap and bows his head as the procession passes.

'Wow' says his friend, 'That was very respectful.'

'I suppose so' says the first man, 'Mind you, I was married to her for 40 years.'

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the lays layed jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working lays chicken piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes