Laying In Bed Jokes

93 laying in bed jokes and hilarious laying in bed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about laying in bed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Laying In Bed Short Jokes

Short laying in bed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The laying in bed humour may include short lying in bed jokes also.

  1. A programmer began to cuss Because getting to sleep was a fuss.
    When laying in her bed
    Looping round in her head
    Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;
  2. A chicken and an egg are laying in bed... When the chicken sits up, lights a cigar and says " Well I guess that answers that question."
  3. Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He lay awake in bed all night, wondering if there was really a dog.
  4. I remember laying in bed as a child waiting for Santa Claus to come.... Then there was always that awkward silence afterwards as he put his pants on and left.
  5. A chicken and an egg lay in bed smoking cigarettes. The egg says, "well, that answers that old question."
  6. I remember laying in bed at night waiting for Santa to come and then he'd put on his pants and give me my presents.
  7. As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard. Is that how many men you've slept with? , I asked.
    Yes , she replied, One thousand, one hundred and eleven.
  8. Two utensils are laying in bed... One turns to the other and says "wanna spoon?"
    The other replied, "no, I'd rather fork."
  9. A chicken and an egg are laying in bed together The egg is smoking a cigarette. It turns to the chicken and says " I guess that answers that question"
  10. The chicken and the egg lay in bed together sharing a cigarette... The chicken turns to the egg and says, "well, I guess we answered that one."

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Laying In Bed One Liners

Which laying in bed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with laying in bed? I can suggest the ones about staying in bed and laying.

  1. How to get laid?? 1. Lay on bed.
    2. Wait two hours.
    3. Lay becomes past tense.
  2. My wife just lays in bed all day She's atrophy wife

Laying In Bed Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about laying in bed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lying bed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make laying in bed pranks.

A farmer walks into his bedroom carrying a lamb under his arm.

He walks over to his wife who's laying in bed. "See!" he yells, "This is the pig I have to have s**... with whenever you get one of your headaches!" The wife says, "You know that's a lamb under your arm, don't you?" The farmer says, "I wasn't talking to you."

One day Pebbles Flintstone got scared and hopped in bed with Wilma and Fred.

She looked under the covers on Wilma's side and asked what that was and Wilma said well Pebbles thas my rock.
After that Pebbles looked on Fred's side and asked what that thing was down there and Fred replied thats my rock grinder.
So Pebbles layed there for a few minutes then sat up and said so mommy puts her rock in daddy's rock grinder and out pops PEBBLES! ! ! !

There is a lady laying in bed.
At about midnight her husband comes walking in with a sheep under his arm and says ”That’s the fat pig I’ve been sleeping with when I’m not sleeping with you.”
His wife gets a confused look on her face and states ”but honey that’s not a pig its a sheep.”
Her husband says ”Shut up pig I’m talking to the sheep!”

Little Red Riding Hood went to her grandma's house and found her laying in bed.

Little Red Riding Hood said, "Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
Grandma: "The better to see you with, my dear."
Little Red Riding Hood: "Grandma, what big ears you have!"
Grandma: "The better to hear you with, my dear."
Little Red Riding Hood: "Grandma, what a big mouth you have!"
Grandma: "Of course I do, have you seen Grandpa's d**k?!"

A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "

How about you go brew us some coffee?"
Wife: "That's your job."
Hasband: "Says who?"
Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."
Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."

You aren't a monk.

A man is driving through a town and his car breaks down in front of a monastery. He decides to go up to the door and ask if he can stay the night and the monks let him. At night he is laying in his bed and he hears this extremely strange noise. In the morning he asks a monk what the strange noise was. The monk replied, "I can't tell you because you aren't a monk." The man accepted this fact, graciously thanked the monks for letting him stay, and went on his way. Three years later the man was driving through the same town and broke down in front of the same monastery. Again he asks the monks if he could stay the night, and they let him. And again at night he hears the strange noise. In the morning he asks and gets the same answer. Then he asks how he can become a monk. They reply, "Go count every blade of grass and every pebble in the world." The man comes back 43 years later and gives them accurate numbers. They let him become a monk and the first thing he does is ask to see what the noise was. They take him to a wooden door. He reaches for the handle and its locked. They give him a key, then he happens upon a stone door. Locked. He goes through every kind of door you could possibly think of as they give him keys for each. Then he gets to a diamond door and they give him a key and he unlocks it. Then he opens it and is completely amazed. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

A guy is laying in bed reading a book while his wife is sleeping...

Every so often he reaches over and tickles her funny spot. Eventually she wakes up and yells at him saying, "What are you doing, I told you I wasn't in the mood tonight!"
He responds back with, "I understand and respected your wishes".
Irritated she asks, "Then why do you keep touching me?"
and he retorts, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page..."

The bride asks her husband

The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a v**... and I don't know
anything about s**.... Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,

A couple are in bed...

Laying in bed, a husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."
"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would have to."
"What about playing golf, would you play golf with him?"
"I love golf, so sure, I would play golf with him."
"Would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"

A husband came home and found his wife laying n**... on the bed

and asks her "Why are you n**..., woman ?" "Because i have nothing to wear." "You have nothing to wear? You have a closet full of clothes !" He then goes and opens the closet doors and starts going through her stuff. "Look, you have one dress, two dresses, three dresses, Hello neighbour, four dresses !"

What does an insomniac agnostic dyslexic do?

Lays awake in bed all night, debating whether or not there really is a dog.

So a man goes to the doctor...

and is told that he has a terminal illness with only 24 hours left to live.
He went home and told his wife who was completely shocked. So later, as they're laying in bed, he asks if they can make love one last time. They do. Later, the man wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and asks if they can go at it again. His wife tired and irritable says, "Well that's easy for you to ask, you don't have to get up in the morning..."
Sorry for the lousy wording

Three homeless guys at a shelter..

Due to a shortage of beds to lay in at a homeless shelter, three men were set to be laying together in a California King sized mattress. That night, the three go to bed.
They wake up the next morning to the alarm clock going off, waking the three up.
The man on the left says "Hmm, I had the oddest dream. I had a dream that I was being given a h**...."
The man on the right says "Yeah. Me, too."

The man in the center says "Hmm, that's weird. I dreamed I was skiing."


A blonde and a brunette are having a conversation at work one day, when a delivery of flowers are dropped off for the brunette.
The brunette sees the flowers and appears unhappy.
"What's wrong?," asks the blonde, "I wish my husband cared enough to send me flowers for no reason!"
The brunette explains, "It means I have to go home and lay on the bed with my legs in the air for him tonight.
The blonde, surprised, asks "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

A student goes up to his professor after class...

A student goes up to his professor after class and asks him to define a dilemma. The professor says "I'll do you one better and give you a perfect example. You're laying in bed n**... with a gorgeous n**... g**... the right of you, and a n**... gay guy on your left. Who do you turn your back to?"

An old ugly wife is looking in the mirror...

Listing all the things wrong with her old flabby hairy body while her husband lays on the bed watching an ocean documentary on TV.
"I'm disgusting, aren't I?"
He doesn't respond.
"Hey! Answer me! I look like a whale, don't I!?"
He responds, "No! Absolutely not, you don't look anything like a whale, my dear..."
Before she could get out an "aww thanks", he says "Have you *seen* how stunningly beautiful those creatures are!?!"

A dilemma

A student asked his english professor, "What is the definition of a dilemma." "The professor said, "well, there's nothing better than an example to illusrate that! "Imagine that you are laying in a bed with a beautiful n**... young woman on one side and a gay man on the other." "Who are you going to turn your back on?"

The Chicken or The Egg

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette.
The egg rolls over in satisfaction and says, "Well, I guess we answered that question."

Chicken and the egg

A chicken and an egg were laying in bed and while the chicken was smoking a cigarette feeling satisfied, the egg rolls over frustrated and says "I guess that answers the question"

A man is laying in a hospital bed...

He has just taken a few tests, to find out what is wrong with him. He is feeling pretty awful, so he has an IV, and oxygen mask, etc. So the nurse walks in to see if the man needs anything.
Would you like anything? She says.
The man says, Yes, are my t**... black?
The nurse is very confused.
I don't know, sir. She says.
Please check, He says, if my t**... are black .
The woman is still confused, but she decides to check. She lifts up his hospital gown, sees that everything is in order, and puts it back down.
Well, sir, she says, you are fine. Your t**... are not black .
That's great, now listen closely, the man says, removing the oxygen mask from his face, *are my test results back?*

A man lay on his deathbed...

He had maybe a day left to live when he suddenly smelled his wife's prizewinning chili! He dearly loved her chili more than anything else in the world, especially the way his wife cooked them which was known throughout the state of Texas.
With every last bit of energy left in his mind and body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, crawled across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of chili from the stovetop. As he reached with a spoon for a taste from the p**..., his wife smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon.
"Leave it alone, Charlie!" she yelled. It's for the f**...!"

Clueless husband

A woman was laying in bed with her husband at night when she said:"honey i m cold" , he said: "wear warmer clothes", then she said "i m still very cold" he responds "cover yoursef with another blanket" ,the wife who seemed displeased said:"when i was cold my mother used to hug me tightly and cuddle til we slept" her husband says in an angry voice:"Are you telling me we should bring your mother to sleep with us,why do you always say unromantic things in bed!".


Laying in bed, a husband asks his wife, "If I die, will you remarry?"
"Of course not darling" she replies, "I'll live with my sister. And if I die, will you remarry?"
And the husband replies "Of course not honey, I will also stay with your sister."

Made this up while laying in bed and yes it's bad. I apologize in advance

A 35 year old house painter walks out of his home on a snowy winter day but quickly scurries back inside and says with a grin on his face "It likes like I'M the one that needs another coat today"

A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...

- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all...
- Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.
At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"
She hangs up and turns towards her lover :
- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.

I was laying in bed with a hangover

It's awful when your c**...'s so big it won't stay in the bed.
-lee Mack

The answer to the most pressing question in human history

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette and has a smile on its face. The egg is staring at the ceiling with a frown on its face. The egg mutters under its breath 'well, I guess we answered That question.'

An elderly man was laying in his hospital bed...

... A nurse came in the room to administer his daily medication. Suddenly, the elderly man took a turn for the worse. He began turning red, gasping for air, and sweating profusely. He grasped for a pen and paper on the nightstand next to him, scribbled something quickly, and was gone. The nurse thought it best for his last words to be seen first by his family and loved ones, so she folded it up and put it in her pocket.
Later that day, they arrived, and the nurse handed a sobbing wife her husband's note. She read out loud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube, m**...!"

An old couple is laying in bed...

The woman turns to the man and says "George, it's been ten years. Will you get me off?" George turns to look his wife deep in her eyes and rips the nastiest f**... he can, saying, "if that won't get you off the bed, I don't know what will."
I'll see myself out

As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed...

As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.
"Is that how many men you've slept with?", I asked.
"Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven."

A Chicken and and Egg are laying in bed. Egg is smoking a cigarette...

Chicken says "Well I guess we know who came first."

Did you hear about the insomniac, dyslexic, obsessive compulsive butcher?

He used to lay in bed at night worrying about why he constantly weighed a steak.

I was laying in my bed looking up at the stars and thinking....

Where the f**k has my roof gone?!?

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken pulls out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, upset, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

The Dying Man and the Cookies

An old man was on his death bed and had less than a day to live. As he lay there reflecting on his life, he smelled his favorite cookies in the kitchen. So using his last bit of will and effort, he dragged himself out of bed and crawled to the kitchen for a cookie. He sat down at the table and reached for one when his wife popped his hand with a wooden spoon: "Don't touch it! Those are for your f**...!"

The god Thor is bored one day and decided to try out having s**... with a mortal woman...

He heads down to earth and finds a beautiful young woman. Pouring on the charm, he convinces her to go to bed with him. He goes back to her place and enjoys her in every possible way, absolutely plowing her with all his god-like strength and endurance. 7 hours later, he rolls off. She's laying there, gasping and panting, shaking, and exhausted from the most incredible s**... she's ever had in her life. She can't even speak. All she can do is s**... his chest with a trembling hand. He understands her point, though. He was amazing.
"I've got a confession to make," he says. "I'm actually Thor."
"You're thor!? I'm tho thor, I won't be able to thit down for a week!

I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.
It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.
I ask him "What are you doing?"
"I'm measuring your patience."

One Night, as a couple lay down to bed,

the husband gently starts rubbing his wife on the arm. The wife turned over and said "Sorry honey, I have an OBGYN appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Dejected and rejected, the hubby tries to sleep. After a while he turns over to his wife and says "Do you have a dentist's appointment too?"

Einstein quietly lays in bed next to a obviously disappointed partner..

After a few minutes of awkward silence he turns to her and says, "You see, it was fast to you..."

An old man sets up three beds in his room...

and lays out three chairs. One day, a friend comes over and the old man serves three bowls of porridge.
The friend asks "Why do you have all this random stuff in your room?"
and the old man replies "Well, it worked for the 3 bears!"

Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom one morning with a note on his bed reading I can't take the critism anymore.

She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said emotionally my dear…that's NOT how you spell criticism!

An old couple is laying in bed when the old lady remembers that she needs some money for groceries...

She whispers into the old man's ear: "Can you lend me $100? ".
The man answers: "Sorry dear but I can't hear you. You know this ear of mine is deaf, try the other ear".
The old lady scoots and whispers into his other ear: "Can you lend me $200?".
The old man is astonished and replies: "Can you whisper into my $100 ear again?"

Whilst laying in bed with my girlfriend I turned to her to say "I love you so"...

She replied, "I love you so too!"
We then proceeded to discuss how one could not love Yoo So, for our Chinese friend is nothing but a delight to be around!
*Works better said aloud.

What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac spend most of his time doing?

Laying in bed wondering is there really is a dog.

A dying man lie in bed with his wife beside him

As he lay, he turned and looked to his wife and said "My dear wife, I must make a confession"
"There is no need." She said
"No" the man replied. "I must tell you before I die."
"If you must." She said.
"I slept with not only you but your mother, your best friend, her best friend, our daughter, and many other women." He told her.
His wife, not angered by this, turned to him and said.
"I know. Now just rest and let the poison do its work."

I noticed that youtube video thumbnails now play an animated gif when you hover over them.

When i noticed this, i was laying in bed with my conservative, traditional girlfriend, but without thinking, i say out-loud, "Oh, youtube finally caught up to pornhub with that awesome feature."
My girlfriend: What?
Me: What?

I've got good news and bad news

"I've got good news and bad news," said the doctor as I lay in my hospital bed.
"What's the bad news?" I asked.
"We have to amputate your legs."
"Oh God, no!!! Well what's the good news?"
"The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers"

The chicken and the egg

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed together after having s**.... The chicken lays back on a pillow and sighs, saying, "well I guess that answers that age old question."

An old man is about to die.

While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.
One week later the old man dies.
At his f**... the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.

Rest in Peace - Ron B. U.C. Berkeley

A man is holding his wife's hand as she lays on her death bed.
"j**..., I, . . ., I have something to tell you before I pass on."
"No, no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well."
"No, j**.... I've been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you. I, . . ., I've been unfaithful to you. I slept with your best friend, Phil. I'm so terribly sorry."
"Yes, dear, I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

A man is laying on his death bed, with his wife next to him

He tells his wife
"Honey, you have always been there for me. When I got in that terrible car accident and lost my leg, you were right there by my side. When my business failed, you were still right there by my side. Even last week, when the Dr gave me the terrible news, you were by my side and refused to leave. I don't know how to say this honey, but I'm starting to think you are bad luck."

How to get laid in 3 simple steps

* Lay on your bed
* Wait 2 hours
* Lay becomes past tense

There was this girl I used to sleep with

One night we're laying in bed, and I ask her how many people she's slept with, just out of curiosity. She said she didn't know, she doesn't keep track. I asked why not. She said "Because it's the thot that counts"

I was laying in my hotel room bed, n**... and spread eagle, when the cleaning lady comes in.


I brought home a bouquet of roses for my wife

She looked at me in disbelief and asked "what did you do wrong"
"What? I just wanted to do something nice for you, buy you a gift, and this is how you act?" I respond
"Yea right, you think I don't know any better, now you want me to lay in bed n**... all week with my legs spread"
"Why" i asked, " you don't have a vase?"

sometimes when i get lonely i just get hard in bed and lay there

it's nice to act like there's a hand on my shoulder
(discla8mer i'm drunk i'm sorry if this doesn't make sense)

As I was laying in bed last night

My wife looked at me and said,
Honey, make me scream with one finger.
So I poked her in the eye.

A married couple was laying in bed one night

A married couple was laying in bed one night, when the wife turned to the husband and asks,
"What do you like best about me, my pretty face or my s**... body?"
The husband turns to her and says,
"I like your sense of humor the best"

Dave and his girlfriend check into the hotel room.

As soon as they walk in, the girl immediately jumps up on the bed and lays in a spread eagle.
She asks - Dave, do you know what it means?
Dave - yeah, that you wanna sleep on this bed all by yourself.

Sad dad joke

2 dads are laying side by side on their death beds in the hospital, ome dad turns to the other and says
"how are you holding up buddy?"
"Not good, the doctor said im dying"
"huh the docter told me same thing, I cant belive a medical professional would mess both our names up like that!"

Early One Morning

Woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still.
When suddenly a tiny bird, perched on my window sill.
It sang a song so lovely, so carefree and gay.
That slowly all my troubles, began to slip away.
It sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun.
It seemed his very song, brought out the morning sun.
I pulled back the covers, and crept slowly out of bed,
and gently shut the window, and crushed his head.
I'm not a morning person

A girl and guy are laying in bed after s**...

She turns to him and says,
"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."
He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"
She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

A girl and guy are laying in bed after s**...

She turns to him and says,
"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be Christian."
He said: "That doesn't bother me any!"
She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being Christine."

A Hot Thai Nurse

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service in the UK, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual he was asked to s**... off, he lay n**... on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an e**..." said the nurse.
"I haven't got an e**..." said the man.
"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

I was laying in bed this morning, staring at my skin color when I realized:

I'm on the spectrum.

Not a joke more of meme but to lazy to make it so here it goes

Me watches spirited away as a child
Me:how can they forget who they were thats just s**...
Me gets depression
Someone:can you remember what you used to do before just laying sad in your bed?
Me:...............oh so thats how....

Yesterday i was laying in my bed, looking at the stars...

And I thought "huh, where'd the roof go?"

Which came first?

Late one night, a chicken was laying in bed with an egg.
The chicken was laying back, smoking a cigarette, and feeling quite pleased with himself.
The egg was clearly upset and huffed as she rolled onto her side. As she was pulling the blanket over herself, she said in a very annoyed tone of voice...
"Well I guess we finally answered *that* question now didn't we?"

Sometimes I lay awake In bed and stare up at the sky then think

Where the h**... did my roof go?

So, I went and got a vasectomy today..

So, I went and got a vasectomy today. The nurse came into the room and told me to take me clothes off and lay in the bed. I did. Then she jumped on me, did me, then said let's go to the operating room. I said,"What was that all about?" She said, "It's better to have some kind of s**... before the operation so the doctor can find the vein to plug up." As I'm walking down the hall wall, I noticed 5 guys in a room m**.... I said to the nurse, " what are they here for." She said, Vasectomies. I said,"So am i, but I didn't have to do that!" She said,"you have blue cross and they have Obamacare!"

A man in his 60s h**... to a brothel

... constantly shaking from his Parkinson's.
He tells the madam I want 5 girls.
The madam says are you sure? 5 girls might kill you. But the man is adamant and soon enough he's in a room with 5 girls.
Shaking from every joint as he lays on the bed, he tells 2 girls: you two, hold down my arms.
Then he tells 2 more girls: you two, hold down my legs.
Finally, the last one, you get on top.
Now, you 4, let go!